Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. The process is easy and you can use your Google, Facebook, or Twitter account to make it even faster. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies and play member and staff-run games
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes, and vote to decide the winners
  • Participate in raffles, including exclusive raffles for new members, and win free LEGO sets
  • Send private messages to other members
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!

Photo

A Rebirth of a Hero

OTC FFFC Me

  • Please log in to reply
2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Captain Caboose

Captain Caboose
  • Members
  • Stone Champion Nuva

  • 07-December 12
  • 1,543 posts
  •  

Posted Apr 08 2013 - 08:33 PM

A Rebirth of a Hero

 

If anyone knows war, it’s the sole body that’s lying on the grey ashed ground. War was taken over the city of New York, and the sky is ash grey. Who knows why the sky is like that? The light penetrating the sky is the dim burnt orange rays of the sun. Buildings on fire, people screaming and the sound gun fire pierce the air.

 

The lone young soldier lays their motionless. He was shot in multiple times in the chest by machine gun fire. His gun is nowhere to be found. Only his pale ash body and ash covered clothes are on him. His age appears to be around 16, with a slight mustache growing on him. His hair is a black to dark-brown color. He only has a brown trench coat, finger-less gloves, jeans, and a grey t-shirt.

This lone body was the fighting hope of a rebellion that has now been reduced to nothing. His name is Ricardo, born into a world where corruption and dishonesty run rampant. It wasn’t until the UN decided to take complete control of the nations that an uprising began. Ricardo vowed that this wickedness will end soon with his power, for it seemed that he wielded a power that no man could ever possess the power of fire. He aided the rebellion in numerous victories across the US. Thus ending his life here, in a park filled with trees and a small lake or pond.

 

Then suddenly the wind starts blowing to the east, then to the north. Has unknown force known to man has come to aid humanity in its darkest hour? The winds then blow to the west, then to the south. Each gust of wind going faster and faster, soon the wind comes in all directions towards his body. He rises from the earth and stands limply as he is picked up by the winds. His blood starts recirculating and his heart starts beating. Slowly then faster and faster, as soon as it reaches the maximum heart rate, it drops. His heart rate returns to normal.

 

A new dawn has risen. A hero resurrected. Revenge now flows through his veins. His hands turn to fists, and then he releases them, showing the bright fire flowing across his hand, like a smooth flowing river. His eyes begin to close tighter, signaling his reawakening. Rise savior of Earth. The world needs you more than ever. He then opens his eyes, revealing a dark brown color, and then they turn a shade of red.

 

“I’m back.”


  • 0

BZPRPG Profiles

Flaredrick Seria - Potas -'Jet Fire' -'Razor'- 'Infector' - Reso 'Vo - Kasrar 'V- Ludvin va Betravo - Vallen Tor - Molvr Kalr

#2 Offline Kragghle

Kragghle
  • Premier Member
  • Premier Members
  • Nuhvok-Kal Attacks!

  • 02-January 07
  • 3,079 posts
  •  

Posted Apr 13 2013 - 03:25 PM

A Rebirth of a Hero

 

If anyone knows war, it’s the sole [color=#0000ff;][this word doesn't really work as a description here][/color] body that’s lying on the grey ashed ground. War was taken over the city of New York, and the sky is ash grey [color=#0000ff;][you repeat the same description here, and twice more later on, and it's overused][/color]. Who knows why the sky is like that?  [color=#0000ff;][this sentence doesn't fit and disrupts the flow][/color] The light penetrating the sky is the dim burnt orange [color=#0000ff;][perhaps this works with "ash gray", but at the same time I would b weary of this decription because it overdoes things, and descriptions of burning already set the scene][/color] rays of the sun. Buildings on fire, people screaming and the sound gun fire pierce the air.

 

The lone young soldier lays their motionless. He was shot in multiple times in the chest by machine gun fire. His gun is nowhere to be found. Only his pale ash body and ash covered clothes are on him. His age appears to be around 16, with a slight mustache growing on him. His hair is a black to dark-brown color. He only has a brown trench coat, finger-less gloves, jeans, and a grey t-shirt.

[color=#0000ff;][I inserted a paragraph break here][/color]

This lone body was the fighting hope of a rebellion that has now been reduced to nothing. His name is Ricardo [color=#0000ff;][It doesn't seem necessary for his name to be dropped in the middle of the story when before he was set up at being an anonymous figure.  Giving him a name makes it sound as if I'm supposed to invest in him as a unique character, but he isn't.  You don't even mention his name anywhere else except for a couple of sentences later.][/color], born into a world where corruption and dishonesty run rampant. It wasn’t until the UN decided to take complete control of the nations that an uprising began. Ricardo vowed that this wickedness will end soon with his power, for it seemed that he wielded a power that no man could ever possess[color=#0000ff;][,][/color] the power of fire [color=#0000ff;][The way this was wedged in here is confusing and doesn't work.  First there was the need for a comma, but it's also vague and doesn't seem to have anything to do with the story, and it's completely out of nowhere.  I had multiple interpretations of this line when I first read it, most of them put within the context of the story thus far so that they would make more sense, and my last, and least favorite interpretation, was that he was a human Toa of Fire.  Don't through this line in like it's only natural, because it's not.  It needs some explaining, and it needs for you to build up to it.][/color]. He aided the rebellion in numerous victories across the US.  [color=#0000ff;][end that sentence with a comma, and then change the capitalization of "Thus"][/color] Thus ending his life here, in a park filled with trees and a small lake or pond.

 

Then suddenly the wind starts blowing to the east, then to the north. Has [color=#0000ff;][an][/color] unknown force known to man has come to aid humanity in its darkest hour? The winds then blow to the west, then to the south. Each gust of wind going faster and faster, soon the wind comes in all directions towards his body. He rises from the earth and stands limply as he is picked up by the winds. His blood starts recirculating and his heart starts beating. Slowly then faster and faster, as soon as it reaches the maximum heart rate, it drops. His heart rate returns to normal.

 

A new dawn has risen. A hero resurrected. Revenge now flows through his veins [color=#0000ff;][And that's supposed to be a good thing?][/color]. His hands turn to fists, and then he releases them, showing the bright fire flowing across his hand, like a smooth flowing river [color=#0000ff;][Nope.  Sorry.  This description makes no sense.  I understand fire looking like a smooth, flowing river.  I understand that the fire is in his hands.  What I do not see im my mind is a smooth, flowing river in someone's hand.][/color]. His eyes begin to close tighter, signaling his reawakening. Rise savior of Earth. The world needs you more than ever [color=#0000ff;][Wait, where is this voice coming from?  You introduce so many things out of the blue, and this isn't even presented as if it's supposed to be a mysterious story.][/color]. He then opens his eyes, revealing a dark brown color, and then they turn a shade of red.

 

“I’m back.”

 

:kaukau: [color=#0000ff;]I could start with the main character.  Or I could start with the premise of the story.  There is also the flow of the story, the conclusion, and so much more.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]But I will start with the main character.  You must have seen something in him, but had troble getting it out.  I like getting invested in main characters, but this missed the mark, almost becoming a Mary Sue.  My reasons for coming to this conclusion started with the overly specific descriptions given to how he looked and how he was dressed.  The color of his hair, the type of T-shirt he was wearing, and so forth all came out in a single "I want to describe how cool he looks because I think this looks cool".  There is also his depiction as a savior of the Earth.  There's nothing wrong with that as a characterization.  That can make for an interesting story, so long as I can legitimately see that person as a savior.  This is just some teenager who's described as having extraordinary fantasy feets out of nowhere, and nowhere is exactly where this story shows any comprehension of what that's supposed to be like.  There was no imagination that went into realizing the world that he lived in.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]Then there are the issues of his powers, which deserve a whole new paragraph.  When you characterize him as a savior of the Earth and possessing the ultimate power, I was expecting for him to have something like Superman-tier abilities.  Either that, or he would be of the Captain America type of superhero, where he simply possesses incredible strength for a human, since strength is a pretty standard way of setting someone apart as an exceptional human being, going back even to the days of old, long-winded novels that are so sophisticated and high-brow that nobody ever reads them.  Just look at Jean Valjean from Les Miserables.  Or he could have had some sort of variant of the Force, or a link to a magical world with a personal device that has a special meaning, like Harry Potter, and you could have said that there was simply something very mystic about him.  Or you could have said from the very beginning that he was immortal, which would have fit better with the description of "something no one thought was possible".[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]Instead, you said he had the power of fire.  I'm still not sure what exactly that means.  Just how much can he manipulate fire?  Can he only throw it?  Can he create shapes out of it and armies of fiery minions?  I guess that the power of fire has its archaic significance in Greek mythology for its association with the gods, yet it has always been depicted as a characteristic trait as humanity as a whole.  Everyone is able to create fire.  It just so happens that he has it as a superpower, but it's a real letdown from the description you gave to his powers prior.  It doesn't flow.  Instead, it sounds very much like the oddly specific description you gave to his clothes, and reads as "I personally really like the 'power of fire', think it's cool, and would choose that power if I could have any special ability, so naturally, any character who is cool and is the savior of the world must have that power."[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]Apparently there's more to him, because he's resurrected, but I really don't get the significance to this character.  Why was he selected by this otherworldly power (who I read using Cate Blanchett's voice) to save the world, and why was he given the power of fire?  Are there other people out there with the powers of water, air, and earth (or stone, earth, ice, water, and air, should we take the Bionicle way of categorizing things)?  That would make more sense.  Otherwise, I don't see the correlation.  It would personally make more sense if he was the Chosen One without any powers, except for a guaranteed victory thanks to Destiny powers, or if he was essentially something like Superman, capable of performing all sorts of miraculous feats.  I actually have nothing against these sorts of characters because they more naturally fit into the Savior/Chosen One archetype.  The power of fire?  I'm not seeing it.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]This is to say nothing of how limited its uses would be in modern warfare, let alone the future.  It would look good, but would ultimately just be a gimmick.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]Then, of course, he can't die.  His death was apparently selfless, but the main thing that comes to his mind when he's resurrected is revenge.  This is apparently a very saviorly trait.  He also drops a gratuitous one-liner at the end that's supposed to sound cool but has no place in the story.  First, there was no dialogue leading up to that, and the entire story was narration.  Second, he has nobody to talk to.  Third, he sounds rather full of himself.  Fourth, he says it while he's apparently on a high from his powers.  Fifth, the moment isn't cool because he didn't earn that "I'm back" moment, because those only work for characters people have a high familiarity with and have proved to be endearing.  Sixth, it's a blatant line to end on, which is something I've noted of several of the FFFC stories.  Seventh, it sounds a little corny.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]The other thing that got me scratching my head about the story was the use of the U.N. as a bad guy.  If you have an understanding of what the U.N. is, then this is an incredibly far-fetched idea.  Science fiction is the art of taking the possible and making it probable, except this isn't really even possible.  The U.N. is a political body, but it isn't an entity.  It doesn't have any sovereignty or final authority.  It's essentially a body of representatives from various different nations who pass resolutions, consult with each other, hold each other accountable.  Where the fear of the U.N. trying to conquer the world comes from, I have no idea, but using them in a story basically just makes them a generic bad-guy with no real soul or depth, existing purely for a reason to victimize the hero and his nation in order for them to have a reason to be heroic.  I don't like that.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]Then there's the flow of the story in general.  The exposition was too blunt, and it tries to be dramatic, yet nothing there takes place within any strong context.  I'd loved to have known about the person's background, but it needed to be told in a more heartfelt way.  It's stated that there are higher causes to fight for and that the world is terrible and corrupt, but what are the higher causes?  The hero is brave and leads rebellions with many victories, even giving up his life in the fight, but that's something you tell me, not something that I see for myself.  This is big.  Really big.  Many of the complains that I have about the story would go away if there was a lot more showing and a lot less telling.  There's no need to tell me that someone is heroic, because I as a reader know when someone's supposed to be that way, because that's just the nature of protagonists.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]However, I got the impression that you were pretty young, and I checked out your age on your profile, so I see why this is the way it is.  What I suggest is that you should definitely read as many books as you can, particularly ones that utilize stories similar to this, and take note of their style.  You don't have to imitate them, but there's something to be said for their flow and how they present information.  I'll admit, I'm not as good of a writer as I could be right now because I haven't been reading enough.  I have no idea how much you read, but in my experience "read more and write more" is the golden rule for writing.[/color]

 

[color=#0000ff;]What did I like?  Actually, I liked your description of the winds coming about as he resurrected.  This is some cool, creative visual imagery that could have been used throughout the story.  This is why people are interested in action scenes, because of that particular form of storytelling.  I also like that it's implied that his fire powers are a gift from a higher power, which makes his powers seem less gimmicky.  It makes me think of the story of Prometheus taken to the next level.  That still doesn't amend for how that power was presented initially, which was out of nowhere, as if of course the ultimate power would be to shoot fire from your hands.  At least we know now how that sentence can be easily rewritten, so that the higher implications within this world can be brought up before you mention their effects.  I also like that he's resurrected, even though the dialogue from Cate Blanchett is is bit campy.  That's cooler than shooting fire from his hands, because to me, shooting fire from his hands is really just an indication of somethin even greater, such as immortality or a godlike stature.  So apparently his ultimate power, as far as I know, is that he is beyond death, which indicates the source of his power.  It just would have been nicer, again, if the source of his power was implied much earlier on.[/color]

 

24601


Edited by Jean Valjean, Apr 13 2013 - 03:37 PM.

  • 0

Posted Image
Will you give all you can give so that our banner may advance?

Profiles


#3 Offline Captain Caboose

Captain Caboose
  • Members
  • Stone Champion Nuva

  • 07-December 12
  • 1,543 posts
  •  

Posted Apr 13 2013 - 03:39 PM

If you haven't guessed by the name, and by my name, it's me. Also I'm happy to make changes to seem more interesting. When I do FFFC stories, it puts me out of my zone, and makes me feel like I'm taking my state test. If I were to make a short story right now, it would have a better description and more well thought.

 

i wanted to make a Confederate party (U.N, C.o.E) and change what they really are, and into a part of the nation. I plan on making a story on how it all happened. All the governments of the world suffered an economic breakdown, which caused the Economy War (reference to Metal Gear Solid). They could not support themselves, so the U.N stepped in to make a super power nation.

 

I would go on but that would spoil it. :P

 

So thanks for the review, and I'll keep that in mind.


  • 0

BZPRPG Profiles

Flaredrick Seria - Potas -'Jet Fire' -'Razor'- 'Infector' - Reso 'Vo - Kasrar 'V- Ludvin va Betravo - Vallen Tor - Molvr Kalr




0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users