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New Horizon

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#1 Offline Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa
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  • 13-December 08
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Posted Apr 09 2013 - 04:06 PM

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today . . ."


. . .


"We've known each other for a long time, haven't we?""It's been a week."


"I believe it has been eight days--but never mind. It seems so much longer. As if we had known one another always. . . . Whatever our souls are made of, they seem to be of the same."


"Where did you read that?"


"Wuthering Heights. Or part of it. But that--never mind that. Since we met at the train station that day--"


"And you kissed me."


"If you want me to apologize for that--""Oddly, I do not."


"It was impetuous, I admit--"


"Why did you do it?"


"Will you let me speak without interruption? Thank you. Yes, I kissed you. When I saw your profile as you read the timetable, when you turned to me and I heard your voice as you asked for directions . . . something came over me. Maybe it was the light on your hair--but no, it was not that, or not only that. It was as if I was seeing an angel . . . I know it sounds foolish . . . but I had two choices: I could fall down and kiss your feet, or stand up and kiss you on the mouth. I chose to rise and touch the angel's lips."


"And where did you read that?"


"On my heart. Listen . . . I have--you see--there is--I would like--"


"Are you trying to ask me something?"


"Yes, I-- Will you--that is-- How would you like it-- Would you--agree to joining me in courtship?"


. . .


"I do."


. . .


"Seven months to the day, is it not?"


"It feels more like years."


"Doesn't it . . ."


"Is anything wrong? Are you feeling all right?"


"Perfectly . . . Why?"


"All day you've been very distant."


"I'm sorry. I have had something on my mind . . . It has, however, been a very good day, hasn't it?"


"Of course it has."


"I thought so, but I couldn't quite remember. I haven't been paying attention-- No, no, don't hit me! I jest!"


"What's on your mind, then?"


"I have been thinking about us: about these seven months, and how wonderful they have been; about how happy our walks, such as this, make me feel."


"I love it too. There is something--I don't know--oh, magical about walking together like this."


"Through day and gathering dusk, into the shadows beneath the starlight . . ."


"You're such a poet."


"Only when I'm with you. When I walk with you, I feel all the wisdom of the stars. I enjoy walking with you--very much. . . . "


"So do I."


"I love you."


"I know it. I love you too--you know that?"


"Of course. I--I want to tell you--well-- That is--if you would--you see-- Listen here--I-- There's something important--"


"I love it when you stutter. You don't do it often. Only when you're nervous . . . You have another question to ask me, don't you?"


. . .


"I do."


. . .


"It will be seventy years tomorrow . . . if I make it that far, my love. The doctors don't think I will. But I--I have never trusted doctors. Not since--but never mind . . .


"One more morning--just until the dawn. I can make it that far. To see that dawn one more time . . . One more day. Then I will join you.


"I hope you're listening to me. Otherwise I'm just a foolish, senile old man muttering to myself . . . But no--I'm not senile.


"Ah! that's it now! The sunrise. I hope you can see it. It's beautiful . . . almost as beautiful as it was all those years ago. . . . I remember it perfectly. One more glimpse of the sun. One more glimpse--of the same sun we saw that morning. Then--then . . ."


. . .


"I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride."


Light, lovely and rosy, was being restored once more to the world as the sun climb into view across the darkened sea. It was as if the universe was being reborn as their lips met, and their new lives together dawned. 



Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith :smilemirunu:

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When I know I can't live without a pen and paper, when I know writing is as necessary to me as breathing . . .




I know I am ready to start my voyage.


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#2 Offline Jean Valjean

Jean Valjean
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Posted Apr 10 2013 - 01:43 AM

:kaukau: [color=#0000ff;]This was an interesting experiment.  I daresay that something told completely through dialogue would befitting for a slightly different story, though.  Even though it's a daring attempt, I can't say that it's perfect for what story you were trying to tell here.  On the other hand, it wasn't necessarily wrong.[/color]


[color=#0000ff;]There are some interesting thoughts, although stories about growing old...those really depress me.  I swear, the most depressing movie I've seen in recent memory was Up.  Anyway, before the part about growing old, I thought that the bit about how they met was...Oh my goodness, incredibly awkward.  Like, please, never ever write a scene like that again!  It sounds so much like a romance that, if it were a film, would be difficult to watch, and I would have to cover my eyes for that scene, and then cover my ears for the explanation later.  Love at first site is one thing, but it takes pitch-perfect chemistry to pull off a kiss at first site to go with it.  Also, why does a thought such as "our souls are made out of the same substance" sound like it comes from a book?  Of course, it doesn't seem out of place for me because it's the type of thought that I am inclined to have.[/color]


[color=#0000ff;]Overall, so much of this is impressionistic.  I do like that you depart from your normal style and experiment, but I guess that there's not much of a sense of story.  It reads like a dream, specifically one of those very short ones that psychology text books say that you have in the middle of the night that last for only a few seconds, and then you never remember them or knew you had them.  And it's just as memorable.  That's not saying it's bad, though.  After all, we have these dreams for a reason, and this story has a purpose, I am sure.  The brain plays through information in your sleep and analyzes it over and over again and...bleh, what I'm saying is that this serves an analogous purpose for the reader-writer that short dreams do for John Smith's daily mental freshness.[/color]



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#3 Offline Naina

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  • 06-March 09
  • 222 posts

Posted Jun 17 2013 - 07:08 AM

Hi Nuile.

Interesting story, a bit confusing with all the time switches... but interesting. I like your varying the time, like splicing flashbacks together.

Using only dialogue makes it sound like a radio program transcript (no offense); it does make it lack descriptive quality a bit. It's a bit short and rushed, as a result, but it still manages to create a picture, which is praiseworthy.

t's not lovey-dovey, thank heavens, but at the same time, it sounds more like a pair of close friends than husband and wife (or a variant). I know that lovers are first best friends, but there tends to be a deeper understanding... or should be. It's a sentiment hard to convey using dialogue, actually.

Also, if a guy kissed me upon our first meeting, I'd slap him and storm off. Just saying. :P


(Clearly, I have no idea how to write reviews. Please don't take a offense.)

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I'll take your part

When darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

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