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The Legend of the Bionicle...Toys


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#1 Offline Null.

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Posted Apr 17 2013 - 04:16 PM

Season One: We're not in Mata Nui anymore!

 

Chapter 1: Giants, Geezers, and Great Spirits

 

Tahu: So what do we do now?

 

Kopaka: We could find a fair method of deciding which one of us is the leader and which one is the deputy.

 

Tahu: Dude, I won the coin toss. I'm in charge.

 

Onua: I think we have a great destiny ahead of us.  When it comes time for it to be fulfilled, it shall become clear what it is.

 

Lewa: Whoa, you spoke! But seriously what do we do until then.

 

Onua: *shrugs*

 

Lewa: We could try to get Pohatu on a diet.

 

Pohatu: I am not fat!

 

*stomp, Stomp, STOMP*

 

Tahu: Look, a giant! Everyone play dead.

 

Everyone: *plays dead*

 

Giant: Oh boy! My new Lego sets. *picks up the Toa and has them all fight each other.  All are left maskless. Most lose an arm or two, a few even lose their heads. The giant, who is actually a kid, puts down Tahu, the winner and walks away.*

 

Tahu: That was awful.  Has anyone seen my arm?

 

Pohatu: Found it. *tosses arm to Tahu*

 

***

 

Tahu: We've been doing nothing but avoiding that giant for a week and none of our memories have come back.  This stinks.

 

Gali: Hey look at that box. (reading)- "Turaga Nokama"

 

Tahu: Maybe there's more of these "Turaga" Let's split up and look for clues. If anyone finds a Turaga that shares their element, build it.

 

10 minutes later

 

Tahu: *puts Vakama's head on* Done.

 

Vakama: Gathered friends let us listen again to the legend of the Bionicle.

 

Tahu: Uh, hello.

 

Vakama: In the time before time...

 

Tahu: This is boring, I'm leaving. *leaves

 

Vakama: The Great Spirit Mata Nui...

 

Lewa and Pohatu: *run up to Tahu* Help, he's crazy, you gotta help me!

 

Tahu: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. One at a time. Lewa first.

 

Lewa: The old geezer I built won't stop rambling about "Back when I was a whippersnapper and lived in Metro city..."

 

Tahu: I get the picture. Pohatu?

 

Pohatu: He won't stop whacking me with his hammer telling me to "Get off my lawn!"

 

Tahu: Let's go find Gali and see if her Turaga is senile.

 

Tahu, Lewa, and Pohatu: *find Gali*

 

Gali: Turaga Nokama just finished telling me the legend of Mata Nui.

 

Lewa: My Turaga is rambling about Metru city or something like that.

 

Nokama: What?! I'll go straighten him out.

 

Later all of the Toa and calmed down Turaga gathered together

 

Vakama: And that is the short version of the legend of Mata Nui.

 

Tahu and Lewa: *snore*

 

End Chapter 1


Edited by ToaKapura1234, Apr 20 2013 - 11:24 AM.

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#2 Offline ShadowBionics

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Posted Apr 18 2013 - 05:06 PM

Interesting start. Also a unique take on how the toys are alive and they have their own thoughts and feelings that the "giants" don't know about. People have done a lot with the whole "senile Turaga" idea, but I don't mind and I like it. I can still imagine Onewa with the hammer hitting Pohatu. Well, good start. I shall keep an eye on this one.


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The Dimwit of Time Saga
[Skyward Stooge] [The Dimwit of Time] [The Moron's Mask] [Twilight Delinquent] [The Wimp Waker]

[Lewa's Mask Chronicles]

 

[Bionicle: Unsolved Mysteries]

No, I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!


#3 Offline Null.

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Posted Apr 18 2013 - 06:34 PM

Woohoo! I got a fan. P.S. Did you get the Metru Nui reference? P.P.S. Nokama and Whenua aren't senile, at least.

 

Chapter 2: FOOD!!!

 

Pohatu: Okay, since he's about to throw away the mysterious smiling box with food in it, I'm going to use my Kakama and err borrow what's left.

 

Tahu: Pohatu, how many times do we have to tell you that fried food is unhealthy?

 

Pohatu: But it tastes so good! *speeds away*

 

Tahu: *sighs*

 

Pohatu: *comes back with french fries, a mcnugget, and plastic bag with pieces of plastic in it*

 

Tahu: What's in the bag?

 

Pohatu: (while eating) I dunoo, ky don wou chek?

 

Tahu: I can't read these weird symbols. NOKAMA!

 

Nokama: What?! I was getting my beauty sleep.

 

Tahu: Translate this. *hands Nokama bag*

 

Nokama: Ahem.

 

Tahu: Translate this, pleeaase?

 

Nokama: Fine. It says "Tohunga Maku"

 

Nokama: Ooh, it's Maku. But what's a Tohunga?

 

Nokama: EVERYBODY MEETING!

*All of the Toa and Turaga who aren't present appear*

 

Vakama: What's a Tohunga?

 

Whenua: I think it's Tarakavan for Matoran.

 

Tahu: What's a Tarakava?

 

Matua: *chuckles* A proffessional boxer.

 

Tahu: Ooookay.

 

*Meanwhile Gali has already built Maku*

 

*Nokama then introduces Maku to the group*

 

Maku: I don't think we're in Mata Nui anymore To-, Turaga.

 

Matau: Amazing-great, first Tohunga now-currently Toturaga.

 

Lewa: Why are you so redundant?!

 

Matau: Why-how are-is you-Toa not-isn't?

 

Lewa: That doesn't even make sense!

 

Matua: Speak-says you.

 

Lewa: Whatever.

 

*Later the Toa recover Onepu, Huki, Jala, and Matoro from Happy Mea- I mean mysterious red food-boxes*

 

Kopaka: Look, another box.

 

Jala: Please be Hahli, please be Hahli, please be Hahli.

 

Tahu: You have a problem. Alrighty, Lewa it's your turn.

 

Lewa: *climbs up table-leg, err I mean tree and while the giant looks away climbs into food-box, builds Matoran and carries out...KONGU!*

 

Jala: Phooey.

 

Giant: *picks up Lewa* Oh there you are. I've been looking for you and your team all day.

 

Matua: Kongu over here fast-quick.

 

Kongu: *runs over to Matau and joins the group*

 

Giant: (still holding Lewa) Guess what? I got some vicious Toa-eating rahi for you to play with? Isn't that fun? Wait. Why am I talking to a Lego? Whatever, It will still be fun having the giant monstrous rahi trying to eat the Toa.

 

Lewa: *gulp*

 

To be Continued


Edited by ToaKapura1234, Apr 20 2013 - 01:19 PM.

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#4 Offline Null.

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Posted Apr 19 2013 - 05:14 PM

Chapter 3: Lewa Ruins Everything

 

 Lewa: So those boxes are those monster Rahi.

 

Vakama: Actually as long as we don't build the crabby thingys and put the rusty masks on the big ones, we should be fine.

 

Tahu: (looking at Rahi box) So that's a Tarakava

 

Nokama: Yes, yes it is.

 

*Nokama and Whenua divide up all of the Toa, Turaga, and Matoran into teams to build each rahi*

 

Lewa: Okay, now we just have to finish Mooka and Kaneera or whatever their names are by putting on the rusty masks. *puts Infected Kanohi on Muaka and Kane-ra*

 

Mostly everyone: Lewa, no!

 

Onua: *shakes head*

 

Nuju: Click

 

Matua and Onewa: We finished the Manas that Lewa told us to build.

 

Vakama: Run! *runs away*

 

Muaka: *tries to eat Lewa*

 

Lewa: Ah, it's eating my face!

 

Tahu: How many times do we have to tell you? It's a mask!

 

Lewa: No, I'm pretty sure it's eating my face too.

 

Pohatua: *saves Lewa from Muaka's jaws using his Kakama*

 

Lewa: I'm sorry I called you fat, now RUN!

 

Everyone but Vakama who already ran: *runs away*

 

Tahu: Lewa, didn't you hear Vakama tell you not to use the rusty masks or build the crabs?

 

Lewa: I thought he said only do that.

 

Tahu: *puts head in hands*

 

Matua: Look-see at what you have done you baboon-ape!

 

*The Toa, Turaga, and Matoran manage to escape the rahi and learn to avoid them over the next week*

 

Kopaka: The Manas have taken up guarding the entrance to the underground.

 

Vakama: If any of you had paid attention during my telling of the Legend of Mata Nui, you would have known that the Manas guard Teri- err I mean Makuta's underground lair, Mangaia.

 

Lewa: Does this mean Makuta is living in the basement?

 

Tahu: Well, since we've all manage to get all of our masks we should be able to face Makuta.

 

Nokama: No, we must wait for the Golden Kanohi.

 

To be Continued with an epic Kaita showdown where the fate of the storyline continuity rests in the balance.


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#5 Offline Null.

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Posted Apr 19 2013 - 07:33 PM

2 Chapters in one day, crazy right?

 

Chapter 4: The Great Masks of Shinyness

 

Tahu: Look, the giant left some boxes of Kanohi lying around.

 

Vakama: *opens one box* Agh, Kran-err strange organic masky thingys. We Turaga will lock these away and um, study them, yeah. So don't wear them, got it?

 

Everyone but Onua: Got it.

 

Onua: *gives a thumbs, err claws up*

 

Vakama: Lewa?

 

Lewa: Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't wear the weird organic masks, check.

 

Kopaka: Whoa! These bags contain the silver and gold Kanohi!

 

Gali: But some are doubles and some are missing.

 

Jala: Giant coming! Play dead.

 

Giant: *Stages a giant battle where Rahi eat all the Turaga, half the Matoran and Onua* Oh, well I guess I'll take the extra Kanohi to school and trade them for the ones I didn't get, just like with the other masks.

 

*One day passes*

 

Vakama: Now that you have the golden Kanohi, you can merge and become the Toa Kaita, Wisdom and Valor.

 

Tahu: Cool.

 

Tahu, Pohatu, and (gasp) Onua: Spirit of Valor, hear me.

 

Lewa, Kopaka, and Gali: Spirit of Wisdom, hear me.

 

*nothing happens*

 

Lewa: I think the spirits are deaf.

 

Nokama: Plan B

 

*The Turaga quickly disassemble the Toa, without asking, and use the instruction manuals to rebuild them into Wairuha and Akamai*

 

Akamai: Come brother, let us descend into the lair of Makuta.

 

Vakama: Wait, Wairuha take the silve Miru.

 

Wairuha: But I like the gold one.

 

Vakama: Too bad it's supposed to be silver.

 

Wairuha: Fine.

 

*As the Kaita approach the basement door, they are attacked by Muaka and Kane-Ra*

 

Jala: We'll hold them off.

 

*He and the other Matoran use their instruction booklets to merge into a Matoran Nui and hold off the Rahi*

 

*Akamai and Wairahu descend into "Mangaia" and meet the two Manas*

 

Akamai: CHARGE!

 

*An epic battle ensues, but the Manas gain the upper hand*

 

Wairuha: Look, the remote controls!

 

Akamai and Wairuha: *run up to remote controls*

 

Akamai: Hey, it's just like a video game.

 

*Akamai and Wairuha have the Manas fight.  The batteries die before one of them wins*

 

Wairuha: Ah, phooey. Well, I guess we better go find Makuta. *Trips and rolls into Akamai, destroying both*

 

*The Toa rebuild themselves*

 

Kopaka: That was Lewa's fault.

 

Gali: Lewa, so you're the one writing the creepy love notes. Please stop.

 

Tahu and Kopaka: *snicker and smirk*

 

Tahu: *uses super speed to grab everyone's golden Kanohi*

 

Lewa: Now, let's find Makuta.

 

*The Toa look around and can't find Makuta*

 

Tahu: Makuta's not here, let's leave.

 

Lewa: An epic battle with a totally anticlimactic ending. Woot.

 

End Chapter 4

Coming whenever I feel like it, Chapter 5: Beware the Swarm of Mosquitoes.


Edited by ToaKapura1234, Apr 20 2013 - 11:44 AM.

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#6 Offline Null.

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Posted Apr 20 2013 - 12:22 PM

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Note: When I say Narrator, I mean Vakama narrating, as opposed to Vakama in the flashback P.S. It's on purpose that Vakama calls the Toa Matoran, I mean I did it on purpose, not Vakama[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Chapter 5: Beware the Swarm of Mosquitoes[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: *slaps Mosquitoes that are buzzing around his face* Ugh, how did this place get so infested with Mosquitoes?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Lewa: Oh, boy story time! I'll tell you.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: Lewa, I was being rhetorical, I know how it happened.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Lewa: I'm gonna tell the story anyway. Once upon a time,-[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: Lewa, that's no way to start a story! We're not princesses! I'll start it. It all began 3 days ago when-[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: No, no, no! I'm the official storyteller, I'll tell it![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: Fine.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Lewa: Hey, everybody storytime![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]*All of the Toa, Turaga, and Matoran gather to listen to Vakama*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: A long time ago-[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: Actually, it was just last Tuesday.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: Who's telling this story?![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: Sorry.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: A long time ago in a land far, far away-MOSQUITO WARS[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: Actually, it happened here.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: That's it, one more word out of you, and I'm going to give you a timeout.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: Oh yay, then I don't have to hear the story![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: On second thought, if anyone else interrupts me, they have to listen to the long version of the Legend Mata Nui, write it down, take a quiz, and listen to it again.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Everyone:...[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Narrator Vakama: Good, now where was I? Ah, yes. Gathered friends, let us listen for the first time to the legend of the mosquitoes. In the time before time, six mysterious canisters arrived at this big giant mega-hut thingy. Oh, yes, Mega-Hut, I like that. These canisters contained mysterious creatures called Bohrok. Each Bohrok had a different power, but they all had one purpose- to destroy the Mega-Hut. The innocent Matoran unknowingly built these Bohrok, thinking they might be allies, but much to our horror, they were not.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]*Begin flashback*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Kopaka: There are six new canisters, perhaps they are more Toa?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: They look more like rahi.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Gali: Maybe we should ask the Turaga?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Lewa: Let's just build them, what's the worst that could happen?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Narrator: The Matoran then built the Bohrok and unwittingly...UNLEASHED THE BUTTERFLIES.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]All six Bohrok in unison: We are the Bohrok. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: What's assimilation?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Narrator: The Bohrok then began to destory the house, using their powers of acid, fire, water, and other stuff.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: Let's go warn the Matoran and Turaga, these Bohrok are out of control.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Narrator: The Toa then made a tactical retreat. That is to say, they ran screaming like little girls.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Nokama: You built the Bohrok?![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: It was Lewa's idea![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Lewa: You agreed![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: No, I didn't![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Lewa: Yes you did![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Narrator: Then, the wise Turaga broke up the cat fight.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Nokama: You two should be ashamed of yourselves, acting like newly formed Matoran.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Narrator: Then the brilliant Vakama came up with a plan to trap the Bohrok outside.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: I know, how about we trap the Bohrok outside in the giant garden![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: You mean the yard.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Pohatu: How shall we get them outside, oh wise Turaga?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: I don't know, must I think of everything!? Wait! I've got it! Live bait! Jala can stand outside and look appetizing and when the Bohrok go outside to eat him, we'll slam the door shut.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Jala: Eat me?![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: Uh, how does Jala get back inside?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Nokama: Or, we could use the krana as bait?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: That works too.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Gali: Wait, so those organic masks, or krana, as you call them control the Bohrok?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: Yes, we learned that by, um, studying them, yeah.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Narrator: Vakama's brilliant plan worked perfectly. But when the Bohrok ravaged the yard, they created a swamp, which attracted the mosquitoes.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]*end flashback*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: The end.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Giant: *picks up Bionicles and puts them in their canisters/boxes* Well, I guess we'll be back here in a week when the exterminator's gone. To the cabin in the mountains, hurray![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]End Chapter 5[/color]


Edited by ToaKapura1234, Apr 20 2013 - 12:23 PM.

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Posted Apr 20 2013 - 08:16 PM

Chapter 6: Billy the Goat-Dog

 

Tahu: Oh great, now we're trapped in a wooden "mega-hut" with six Bohrok intent on destroying it.

 

Kopaka: Pessimism is illogical and unhelpful. I have a plan to defeat the Bohrok.

 

Tahu: Ooh, what?

 

Kopaka: While you were complaining, I came up with the idea of removing all of the Bohrok's krana and then reprogram the Bohrok.

 

Tahu: How do we get the krana out?

 

Kopaka: I don't know yet. But, I've got to get ready for my date.

 

Tahu: Date?! You?! With who?!

 

Kopaka: Gali *walks away*

 

Tahu: *stares at wall with mouth hanging open in shock*

 

Matoro: Sound the alarm! They got more Bohrok and Krana packs!

 

Tahu: Oh, great.

 

*Everyone but Kopaka and Gali gather for a meeting*

 

Nuju: Click Clackity Clickity Clack

 

Matoro: Nuju says that the Bohrok now each have one of each type of Krana. He saw them open the boxes. He also says that they were building some small Matoran/Bohrok hybrids.

 

Maku: Matoran-Bohrok hybrids?

 

Onewa: Yes, they are the legendary Goat-dogs. It was foretold in the prophecies that they would aid in the destruction of the island and would would be led by Billy the brown.

 

Vakama, Nokama, and Whenua: What prophecies?

 

Matoro: Nuju says the boxes said "Bohrok Va"

 

Lewa: I think I'll just call them billy goats like Onewa said.

 

Onewa: The prophecies can only be seen from the Po-wahi desert when you stare at the sun.

 

Nokama: I think you've stared at the sun enough for today, Onewa.

 

Tahu: So-

 

*Tahu gets interrupted as the Bohrok and Bohrok Va crash the meeting*

 

Bohrok and Bohrok Va: We are the Bohrok. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

 

Tahu: Seriously, what is assimilation?

 

Tahnok Va: This! * runs towards the wall, bounces off of it and backflips over to Tahu*

 

Tahu: Hey, give back my mask!

 

Tahnok: *launches Krana at Tahu*

 

Bohrok, Tahu, and Bohrok Va: We are the Bohrok. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

 

Matau: Run-flee!

 

Lehvak Va: *grabs Matau*

 

Everybody else: *runs away*

 

Lehvak: *rolls into Kongu and knocks off his mask*

 

Lewa: I'll save you! *rushes in only to get assimilated as well*

 

To Be Continued


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Posted Apr 21 2013 - 08:12 AM

Note: No one is not a character, it just means that nobody did that P.S. Nobody isn't a character either

 

Chapter 7: Who Says Boxing is All Faked?

 

Vakama: It was a difficult time for our people. Mighty Tahu and Lewa had fallen and Kopaka now led the Toa with Gali as his deputy.

 

Pohatu: Why has no one made a snarky comment about him speaking in past tense yet?

 

Onewa: Tahu, Lewa, and Matau all got assimilated.

 

Pohatu: Oh, right.

 

Vakama: The Toa stared at their greatest hope and their greatest fear.

 

Kopaka: Please stop, I am trying to concentrate.

 

Gali: Well, I guess we just build the Boxor and Exo-Toa, but not the Bahrag?

 

Pohatu: Sounds good, I'm just glad we're out of that cabin.

 

Vakama: Wooden, Mega-Hut.

 

Onewa: I guess I'll take up the role of snarky comments. I give up. I can't think of one.

 

Onepu: Hey guys, Nuparu here says that he has memories of the Toa being on Mata Nui.

 

Vakama: You built Nuparu with the express permission of our great and powerful leader-ME!?

 

Onepu: He's just a Matoran.

 

Onewa: Vakama, why don't you just go pout in a corner while we come up with a plan to beat the Bohrok. Yes! Snarky comment!

 

Vakama: *walks away muttering to himself*

 

Nuparu: I finished building the Boxor.

 

Kopaka: Thank you Nuparu.

 

Nokama: Now, let's build that Exo-Toa! Move, people.

 

Everyone: *builds Exo-Toa*

 

Swarm: We are the Bohrok. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

 

Kopaka: Gali, use the Exo-Toa. Nuparu use the Boxor.

 

Jala: *tackles Matau and pulls off his krana*

 

Matau: I'm free-liberated!

 

Onua: *challenges Lewa and Tahu in an epic duel*

 

Nuparu: *starts fighting Bohrok*

 

Turaga: *fight Bohrok Va*

 

Onua: Take off the Krana, Lewa and Tahu.

 

Lewa and Tahu: NOOOOOOO!

 

Onua: Rejoin the light side.

 

Tahu: I'll never join you.

 

Lewa: DITTO!

 

Pohatu: *rips off Kongu's Krana*

 

Tahu: Argh! *rips off krana*

 

Lewa: *same as above*

 

*After the battle the Bohrok escape with the Bahrag*

 

Tahu: We must give pursuit! After them!

 

Vakama: Wait, you should wait until you're all knights in rusty armor.

 

Tahu: What?

 

Nokama: He means wait until there's six Exo-toa.

 

Lewa: Why not just say that?

 

Tahu: He's Vakama.

 

*Some undefined amount of time passes*

 

Hafu: Okay, during my recon mission I saw that-

 

Lewa: Since when did he live here?

 

Tahu: Don't you remember when the giant brought in that CD with him and a Rua right before the Bohrok came?

 

Lewa: No.

 

Hafu: Anyways, I saw that the giant is selling all of the Toa's extra great masks using the mysterious glowing box with an apple on it.

 

Tahu: He's selling our masks on ebay?!

 

Hafu: At least he's not selling the gold ones or the noble ones, right?

 

Lewa: It's the end of the world as we know it. And I don't feel fine. I don't feel fine-

 

Tahu: Lewa, stop singing.

 

Giant: *packs up Kanohi that he's selling* *puts down the boxes for and builds five more Exo-Toa*

 

Vakama: Now that the paladins all have their missile launchers, they can defeat the dragon and save the princess.

 

No one: *replies*

 

Vakama: The brave Toa then mounted up onto, err into the Exo-Toa and went off to defeat the Bahrag and save the Matoran and Turaga, especially brave Vakama.

 

Matau: Why do you speak-talk in past-before tense and third-notfirstorsecond person?

 

Pohatu: Actually Onua and I need to rebuild ourselves because we don't fit.

 

Lewa: I told you to go on a diet.

 

*Later*

 

Tahu: Well this is it. The Bohrok nests.

 

Lewa: How is it that the basement is Mangaia and the Bohrok nests?

 

Tahu: Where would you rather it be? The sewer?

 

*While Tahu and Lewa argued, the rest of the team was already headed down the basement steps*

 

Tahu: Wait for us!

 

Lewa: I think I'll just stay here, since they abandoned me.

 

Tahu: Come on.

 

*The six Toa reach the Bahrag*

 

Bahrag: We are the queens. When you kill us in the TV show, we inexplicably respawan for the movie.

 

Tahu: Whatever. Attack!

 

*An epic battle ensues, but the Manas Bahrag gain the upper hand*

 

Lewa: Whoa Deja Vu.

 

Gali: What?

 

Lewa: The whole starting off well and then losing. But I don't think these guys have remote controls.

 

Bahrag: GIRLS!

 

Lewa: Sorry.

 

Tahu: GUYS, and Gali, DITCH THE SUITS!

 

*The Toa then regain their elemental powers and make a Toa seal, blah, blah, blah. They then victoriously return to the surface*

 

Nuparu: I've reprogrammed the Bohrok to help rebuild the house.

 

Tahu: Aren't you the one that has memories of me on Mata Nui.

 

Nuparu: Yeah, why are you asking?

 

Tahu: *decides to go online and do a little research (he and Kopaka are the only ones that have figured out how to use a computer)*

 

*Another unspecified amount of time passes*

 

Jala: Hey, everybody, Toa Tahu has an announcement!

 

*Everybody gathers*

 

Tahu: Let me get right to the point. I just discovered some disturbing news that none of us had realized before. YOU ARE A TOY! You're a child's plaything!

 

To Be Continued


Edited by ToaKapura1234, Apr 21 2013 - 08:13 AM.

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Posted Apr 24 2013 - 05:15 PM

And now, the continuation

 

Chapter 8: The Toa Nooba

 

Tahu: "Tahu Nuva"?

 

Lewa: It's finally happenned. The irrational fear I developed when we discovered we were legos has come true. Lego is replacing us!

 

Tahu: Calm down, you don't know that for sure. Let's just build these "Toa Nuva" and see what they have to say.

 

*The six Toa each build their respective Nuva*

 

Tahu Nuva: What happened? *gets hit on the head with a rock* What's this thing? *picks up rock*

 

Vakama: According to the new comic and the Bohrok online animations, that's your Nuva symbol.

 

Tahu: The new comic got here and you didn't tell us!? Uh, anyway, I'm Tahu

 

Tahu Nuva: I'm afraid you're mistaken, little dude that looks like me. I am Tahu.

 

Tahu: No, you're Tahu Nuva, whatever that means.

 

Tahu Nuva: The last thing I remember is defeating the Bahrag and falling into a container of silvery liquidy stuff.

 

Vakama: That stuff transformed you and your team into the Toa Nuva. You now have increased power, foolery, and stupidity or whatever, et cetera, et cetera, blah, blah, blah.

 

Tahu Nuva: Oh, cool. TOA! ASSEMBLE!

 

Toa Nuva: *assemble*

 

Lewa Nuva: I don't see "a cymbal".

 

Tahu Nuva: How many times do I have to tell you?! None of your jokes are funny! No one likes you!

 

Lewa Nuva: Wow, harsh.

 

Gali Nuva: I like Lewa.

 

Pohatu Nuva: I think we should all be friends.

 

Onewa: Hippie!

 

Lewa: Hi fatty.

 

Pohatu: Am I as fat as this Nuva guy?

 

Lewa: Yes.

 

Pohatu: Oh.

 

Tahu: Hi, welcome to the house?

 

Kopaka Nuva: Are you clones of us or something?

 

Vakama: *explains in a very Vakama-esque style the concept of being toys*

 

Tahu Nuva: So we're like you, but better.

 

Tahu: Oh no, you didn't.

 

Tahu Nuva: Oh, yes I did.

 

Tahu: Oh, it's on.

 

Matau: U guyz r noobs

 

Tahu Nuva: Are not!

 

Matau: Yes u is

 

Tahu Nuva: Are not!

 

Lewa: I wish Matau had never discovered leet speak.

 

End Chapter 8


Edited by ToaKapura1234, Apr 24 2013 - 05:17 PM.

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Posted Apr 25 2013 - 05:29 PM

Chapter 9: The Day the Power Died

 

Tahnok Va: Okay, I finished organizing all the Krana, how are the Kal coming?

 

Gahlok Va: Almost done building them. By the way, they're Krana-kal

 

Pahrak Va: Are you sure, they'll awaken the queens?

 

Tahnok Va: Of course they will. Now let's finish them and get out of here.

 

Tahnok-Kal: Ah, it's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, I'm awake- I'm awake?! This means the Bahrag are asleep! Yo, Kal, listen up.

 

Kohrak-Kal: Whatever *goes over to drawer, finds ipod and earbuds and starts listening to music.

 

Pahrak-Kal: Uh, what's da problem, boss?

 

Nuhvok-Kal: Have any of you seen my calculator?

 

Gahlok-Kal: Oh, boys, aren't I just beautiful.

 

Lehvak-Kal: Yeah, whatever Gahlok.

 

Gahlok-Kal: Gahlok-Kal!

 

Tahnok-Kal: Quit fighting! Everyone listen up!

 

Kohrak-Kal: Stayin' alive. Stayin' alive. Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive.

 

Tahnok-Kal: Looks like someone's ipod needs to have a circuit fried. *blasts electricity at Kohrak-Kal which misses and hits an outlet causing a power outage*

 

*Earlier that day*

 

Tahu: He only likes you guys because you're his presents for his seventh birthday. You're new.

 

Tahu Nuva: va

 

Tahu: No, new, not nu. Whatever.

 

Tahu Nuva: Yeah, we're new and better than you.

 

*power goes out*

 

Tahu: Ah, this stinks.

 

Vakama: I propose a contest. Both teams try to restore the power and whoever doesn't fix the problem listens to the legend of Mata Nui.

 

Tahu: Count me in.

 

Tahu Nuva: I'm in. Besides the legend isn't that annoying.

 

Tahu: Unless he's telling his version .

 

Pohatu: Hey guys I found a flashlight.

 

Tahu: Okay, you use it since you're the only one of us with two hands. Toa: 1 Nuva: 0

 

Tahu Nuva: *conjures flame in front of him* I make my own light.

 

Gali: Let's head to the fuse-box.

 

Vakama: The two teams then separated. The Toa decided to start by going to the fuse box.

 

Onewa: Why are you narrating what's happening right now, you old coot?

 

Vakama: Who you calling coot?

 

Onewa: Eh, I don't know, I forgot.

 

Vakama: Oh, um what were we talking about?

 

*light returns*

 

Vakama: What happened?

 

Nuparu: *walks up from basement* I was right by the fuse box, so I just flipped the switch.

 

Matau: U noob! U ruined the contest!

 

Vakama: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I liked tree-speak better.

 

Pohatu: *rushes to the scene using his Kakama* The Nuva symbols are gone!

 

To be Continued


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Posted Apr 26 2013 - 11:40 AM

How is it that I have over 100 views and only one non-chapter reply? Oh, well. On to the next chapter.

 

Chapter 10: The Alarm Clock of the Bahrag

 

Vakama: Well, did you finish replacing all of the masks at yours suvas with the silver ones?

 

Tahu Nuva: Yes, we all did. But why did you want us to do that?

 

Vakama: Because your masks turned silver in the storyline.

 

Nokama: Since the Toa Nuva have stronger mask poweres and the Toa not-Nuva have stronger element powers, you should work together.

 

Tahu and Tahu Nuva: No way!

 

Nokama: The Matoran grow uneasy. They begin to think that a fight is inevitable and don't know who to trust anymore. Working together would gain both teams the confidence of the Matoran.

 

Tahu: Fine.

 

Tahu Nuva: Even though I still think it was you guys that tried to imprison us in our canisters, I guess I'll work with you.

 

*The Toa and Toa Nuva then split into teams of three to find the Kal*

 

Lewa Nuva: There, I see one.

 

Lehvak-Kal: Actually there's three of us. But honestly I'm too lazy to fight you guys, Gahlok's too busy staring at her reflection and Kohrak's listening to music. 

 

Gahlok-Kal: How many times do I have to tell you?! It's Gahlok-Kal.

 

Kohrak-Kal: Another one bites the dust. And another one down-

 

Gali Nuva: Kopaka Nuva and Lewa Nuva, I have an idea. Let's form a Kaita.

 

Lewa Nuva: I brought the instruction booklet.

 

Gali Nuva, Lewa Nuva, and Kopaka Nuva: Spirit of wisdom, hear me! 

Wairuha Nuva: I am Wairuha Nuva.

 

Lehvak-Kal: Well, if you want a fight-

 

Bohrok-Kal Kaita Ja: You'll get it! For I or is it we? Oh whatever. I am Bohrok-Kal Kaita Ja.

 

Wairuha Nuva: That's a mouthful. Why not just Ja-Kal?

 

Bohrok-Kal Kaita Ja: Because Bohrok-Kal Kaita Ja sounds cooler.

 

Wairuha Nuva: Whatever. Let's get this party started.

 

*meanwhile Tahu, Tahu Nuva, and Onua Nuva were leading all six of the Bohrok.

 

Tahu: Why do you fit in the Exo-Toa, but not my Onua.

 

Onua Nuva: *shrugs from inside the Exo-Toa*

 

Nuhvok-Kal: Hello, Toa. *uses gravity powers to make Bohrok fly into the air and Tahu Nuva get stuck to the ground*

 

Tahu Nuva: Let me guess, "You are the Kal. We will be assimilated. Resistance is futile"?

 

Nuhvok-Kal: No, I don't have time to assimilate you, I'll just destroy you!

 

Tahu: Onua Nuva, you go left, I'll go right.

 

Onua Nuva: *nods*

 

Nuhvok-Kal: The probability of you defeating me is approximately [(pi + i^2 - 128/64) x 1/(pi + i^2 - 128/64)/100000000000000000000000000]%. In short, the odds may not ever be in your favor.

 

*Ja and Nuhvok won their fights while Kohrak and Tahnok defeated the other two teams*

 

Tahu: Quick, follow the Exo-Toa.

 

Exo-Toa: *runs to basement without Onua Nuva in it*

 

*The 4 teams unite and decide to send the two Lewas on a scouting mission into the basement*

 

Lewa Nuva: The Exo-Toa are fighting the Kal!

 

Lewa: And losing. Let's go.

 

Tahu Nuva: After hearing the report of the Lewas, Tahu and I have decided we should go stop the Kal.

 

*The Toa and Toa Nuva then descended into Mangaia/the basement/the Bohrok nests* 

 

Tahu Nuva: They're about to awaken the queens.

 

Vakama: Use the Vahi, Tahu.

 

Tahu Nuva: Oh right.

 

Lewa: Vakama is that you?

 

Vakama: No. *Huna wears off* Heh, heh *runs away*

 

Tahu Nuva: *switches mask to Vahi and tries to freeze time.

 

Gali Nuva: Oh, no! They all have rare white metal Krana-Kal!

 

Tahu: Overload the Nuva symbols!

 

Tahu Nuva: You heard him! Toa Nuva, channel your power into the Nuva symbols.

 

Tahnok-Kal: *gets blasted into an outlet and electrocuted*

 

Gahlok-Kal: *gets magnetized to the fridge*

 

Kohrok-Kal: *gets blasted into subwoofer, which then activates and blasts his pieces everywhere*

 

Lehvak-Kal: *goes flying out window*

 

Pahrak-Kal: *gets blasted down a vent*

 

Nuhvok-Kal: *goes bouncing around the room until all of his pieces fly apart*

 

Tahu Nuva: Hey, nice job.

 

Tahu: You too.

 

Tahu Nuva: Hey, where'd you get the idea to overload the Nuva symbols?

 

Tahu: I came up with it.

 

Lewa: No, you didn't, you got it from the comics.

 

Tahu: Or that.

 

End Chapter 10

 

The Finale of Season 1 Approacheth


Edited by ToaKapura1234, Apr 26 2013 - 11:06 PM.

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#12 Offline Jalina T.T.

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Posted Apr 26 2013 - 10:41 PM

[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=#0000ff;]Hi There! I’m Jalina T.T. and I’ll be reviewing your comedy today! Sorry for the delay; I haven’t done this since...what, last August? And I don’t know how long before that...[/color][/font]
 
[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=#0000ff;]I’ll be reviewing your comedy in Three different Areas: Mechanics, Story, and Humor. Each area will go into detail about how they pertain to the five chapters I have been assigned to review. At the end, I’ll summarize, give my final thoughts, and let you know what you can do to make your comedy better.[/color][/font]
 
[font="'comic sans ms', cursive;"][color=#0000ff;]READYSETGO![/color][/font]
 
 
MECHANICS

 
First out of the gates are the mechanics. This includes spelling, grammar, word use, writing, format, ect... Your spelling and are really good, so your comedy is easy to read. I also like how you used the old names for the matoran, adding authenticity to your story (I’ll get into this more later on.)  You chose the Script format for writing this comedy, which I think is the more popular choice right now (forgive me if I’m wrong; like I said, it’s been a while.) It’s an interesting choice, and one that effects how you tell your story. Script format is handy if there’s a lot of dialogue. But if there’s plenty of action, you may want to consider switching to prose, which can cover those details better.
 
I have to remind myself not to chide on the short chapters, since apparently the old 300-word rule isn’t in effect anymore. Shorts chapters can also be a good thing; if written right, they can provide short, fun chapters that are easy to read if the audience is short on time. But if done wrong, they just feel forced and a waste of the reader’s time. Your comedy is in the former group; you’re doing a great job so far, so just keep it up and you’ll do fine.
 
STORY
 
This is where your comedy stumbles a little. I was almost completely lost reading the first chapter. I didn’t know where the characters where, what year it was, and how they were supposed to be reacting to their situation. It got better as the story went on, but there are still details that could be filled in. It’s very important, especially with a script format, to explain where the story is taking place, especially before the dialogue starts. Grab your favorite book from the bookshelf; chances are, the author sets the scene before the characters say more than a few lines.
 
Other than that, it’s got a great start; the main characters (in this case, the six Toa Mata) find themselves in the house of a child, trying to survive the child’s play sessions with them while still playing out their story. The minor characters (The Turaga, Matoran, and Rahi) are great additions...so far. They’ve been helping the characters out, and yet the Turaga still manage to be detrimental (damaging) to the Toa’s efforts, which is a great source of internal conflict. However, there were a few small continuity errors; for instance, most of the Turaga are referred to as senile, but don’t really appear to be. Are they really senile, or is this just the opinions of the Toa? Also, how old is the kid, and why haven’t his parents noticed all of his Lego toys running around? The Toa obviously have use of their mask powers; what about their elemental ones? (seriously, an episode about setting the rug on fire would be hilarious.)
 
Character development is another story feature that is important to remember. Some of your characters have unique quirks that make them stand out. (Onua being the one that rarely talks, Vakama’s senility, Pohatu’s love of food, ect...) But other characters, including Tahu, still feel generic. Spend some time and develop other quirks for these characters. (and from one author to another-don’t overdo the character list. Too many characters can really slow down the story.)
 
HUMOR
 
I confess, I read most of the other chapters to get a feel for the comedy, and it certainly does improve. More than once you’ve taken a common staple of comedies and turned it sideways into a new joke (I’m referring to Turaga Matau’s leet-speak; usually when it’s seen in comedies it’s a sign of either immaturity or bad spelling, but you manage to make it really funny.)
 
Most of your humor seems to come from the fact that the characters are living toys who believe they’re the real things, a la Buzz Lightyear (which is referenced at the end of one of the later chapters) Yet they also refer to happy meals, the front yard, and cabins like they are perfectly normal, everyday occurrences. And what do they think of the “giant” that logically shouldn’t exist in their story?
 
Conflict is a great source for humor. It’s those sparks that fly between characters that create such great one-liners and bizarre situations (referenced when Tahu and Lewa are captured by the Bohrok swarms) Not just conflict between the villains, but the main cast: we all know that no one gets along perfectly. 
 
CONCLUSION
 
You’ve got what I call the ‘bare bones’ of a great comedy. It’s the basic stuff, not very deep but full of potential. So now I’m daring you to go deeper. Describe the house the characters are currently living in. Do they have to hide from the parents? Have their elemental powers caused trouble before? Do they terrorize any pets? Think about what would really happen if your toys came to life in your house, even if your weren’t aware of it. And what about the characters themselves? How deep are their backgrounds, their personalities. What about the kid? Does he simply serve to provide plot points, or will he have a greater impact on the story (he’s obviously old enough to use eBay...) I know this slightly contradicts what I said earlier about the shorts chapters, but consider it a challenge. Or just do some longer, some shorter chapters based on what is happening in the scene.
 
This may seem like a tall order, but it will really help your comedy grow. Providing greater background also provides more opportunity for jokes, especially noodle incidents. I recommend diving into the archives and reading Dominus Temporis’ comedy My Life With The Bionicles. Not only is it similar to yours (living toys in a house) but it’s also a great example of writing overall. (WARNING: it will log you out in the process, though.) 
 
Long story short, you’re doing a good job so far: Now do better. :)
 
By the way, are you aware that (according to my calculator) the answer to the mathematical probability in chapter 10 is 0%? Was that intentional?

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Posted Apr 27 2013 - 07:56 AM

1.It’s very important, especially with a script format, to explain where the story is taking place, especially before the dialogue starts.

 

I'll try to do better about this, maybe add an introduction narrated by Vakama in each chapter.

 

2.However, there were a few small continuity errors; for instance, most of the Turaga are referred to as senile, but don’t really appear to be. Are they really senile, or is this just the opinions of the Toa?
 
The most senile Turaga is obviously Vakama, but I think Onewa and Matau are a little bit also. Everyone just thought Nuju was crazy until Matoro showed up and translated.  I'll try to flesh out their senility a bit more.
 
3.Also, how old is the kid, and why haven’t his parents noticed all of his Lego toys running around?
 
 "you're his presents for his seventh birthday" Tahu, Chapter 9. As for the parents, the legos just all instinctively play dead when humans of any age approach.
 
4.The Toa obviously have use of their mask powers; what about their elemental ones? (seriously, an episode about setting the rug on fire would be hilarious.)
 
Yeah, I guess, I'm kind of subconciously going the LoMN route there. I'll try to use their powers more.
 
5.But other characters, including Tahu, still feel generic. Spend some time and develop other quirks for these characters.
 
I'll do my best on this, but like you said, I'll try not to overdo it.
 
6.More than once you’ve taken a common staple of comedies and turned it sideways into a new joke (I’m referring to Turaga Matau’s leet-speak; usually when it’s seen in comedies it’s a sign of either immaturity or bad spelling, but you manage to make it really funny.)
 
Thank you, I'll be sure to keep doing this.
 
7.Most of your humor seems to come from the fact that the characters are living toys who believe they’re the real things, a la Buzz Lightyear (which is referenced at the end of one of the later chapters) Yet they also refer to happy meals, the front yard, and cabins like they are perfectly normal, everyday occurrences. And what do they think of the “giant” that logically shouldn’t exist in their story?
 
Actually, they never called it a happy meal and by the time they're talking about basements, ebay, yards, and cabins, they've learned a little bit about humans.
 
8.Do they have to hide from the parents? Have their elemental powers caused trouble before? Do they terrorize any pets? And what about the characters themselves? How deep are their backgrounds, their personalities. What about the kid? Does he simply serve to provide plot points, or will he have a greater impact on the story (he’s obviously old enough to use eBay...) I know this slightly contradicts what I said earlier about the shorts chapters, but consider it a challenge. Or just do some longer, some shorter chapters based on what is happening in the scene.
 
 
Again, I'll try to increase character development.
 
9.This may seem like a tall order, but it will really help your comedy grow. Providing greater background also provides more opportunity for jokes, especially noodle incidents. I recommend diving into the archives and reading Dominus Temporis’ comedy My Life With The Bionicles. Not only is it similar to yours (living toys in a house) but it’s also a great example of writing overall. (WARNING: it will log you out in the process, though.)
Long story short, you’re doing a good job so far: Now do better. :)
 
Thanks, but for some reason the archives don't work with my computer
 
10. By the way, are you aware that (according to my calculator) the answer to the mathematical probability in chapter 10 is 0%? Was that intentional?
 
Technically it's 0.00000000000000000000000001% (which most calculators will round to zero) and yes it was intentional.
 
Thank you for the review.

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#14 Offline Null.

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Posted May 03 2013 - 11:19 PM

Chapter 11: The Shadow Unleashed

 

Vakama: After defeating the Kal, the rebuilt Matoran arrived and joined our growing community. Today, the 03 Titans have arrived. Takua and Pewku, Gukko and Jaller-

 

Hahli: Hurray!

 

Vakama: Okay...there's also some Toa of Light and AUGH! It's Makuta! Run!

 

Makuta: *parts fly out of box and form big vortex* You cannot escape me. I am the ultimate Lego set. I will now take away your precious Toa of Light and create a lair for myself in the basement.

 

Tahu: How do you know that you're a toy? We had to explain that to everyone else.

 

Makuta: Unlike everyone else, I can be concious as just a collection of pieces. But Tahu, join me and together we shall overthrow the humans and rule the world side by side.

 

Tahu: I'm not big on world domination. Besides you killed my father.

 

Makuta: You have a father?

 

Tahu: Wait, you mean your reference wasn't on purpose?

 

Makuta: What reference?

 

Tahu: Never mind.

 

Makuta: Fine, but even if you don't want to rule, surely you must realize that our cruel human oppressors deserve to be destroyed. They have us fight each other in barbaric battles that we have no desire to fight, and they would attempt to destroy us if they knew we were alive. Think on it. All of you. *vanishes dramatically, taking Takanuva's box with him*

 

Onewa: Who was that?

 

Matau: It waz Makuta, u noob! How do u not no that?

 

Nokama: Peace, you mumbling fool.

 

Tahu: As much as I hate to admit it, I think Makuta has a point.

 

Gali: You're wrong Tahu-

 

Tahu: What?! How dare you say I'm wrong! I'm never wrong!

 

Tahu Nuva: Please don't throw another tantrum. Oh, too late.

 

Vakama: Ah, the Christmas tree's on fire! Again.

 

Tahu Nuva: Every time you have one of these tantrums, something catches fire. That's why I'm so much better than you.

 

Lewa Nuva: Why? Because you don't catch things on fire when you have tantrums.

 

Matau: ROTFLCOPTER

 

Lewa: What? Helicopter? Wher

 

Kopaka: This wouldn't have happened if the Christmas tree had actually been put away. I mean it's May for crying out loud.

 

Vakama: Put it out! Put it out!

 

Gali Nuva: Sure. *puts it out*

 

Vakama: Well, that giant scorch mark is totally noticeable.

 

Tahu: I'm going to test a theory. I'm disappearing for a week and seeing if the kid cares.

 

Lewa: Ooh, I wanna disappear!

 

Lewa Nuva: I-Me too!

 

Tahu Nuva and Tahu: Then it's settled. All of the the Toa disappear for a week.

 

Gali: Since when did all do something just because the two stooges want to do it?

 

Gali Nuva: Lewa Nuva isn't a stooge!

 

Matau: Y r u so defensive? O that's rite, he's yer boyfrend.

 

Gali Nuva: I only speak Engish.

 

Tahu Nuva: Ooh, burn.

 

Vakama: NO! No more burning stuff!

 

Tahu: I say we sneak into the kid's backpack and go to wherever he goes during the week. So that mystery shall finally be solved.

 

Lewa: Workin' on a mystery. Runnin' down a dream.

 

Lewa Nuva: *joins in and starts singing with Lewa*

 

Tahu: People, STOP SINGING!

 

Lewa: I get mad when you try to stifle my creativity. Ahem, let's go Nuva.

 

Lewa Nuva: Right.

 

Lewa and Lewa Nuva: Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of angry men...

 

Tahu: I give up! All right, my team, listen up. Everyone put on your Huna and get into the backpack.

 

Nokama: The Matoran finished building the new sets.

 

Tahu Nuva: Excellent. The Nuva shall ride the Gukko and follow the car!

 

*time passes*

 

Tahu Nuva: Come on! Can't this thing go any faster?

 

Lewa Nuva: This is as fast-quick as it goes.

 

Tahu Nuva: Plan B. We're running. Kakamas everyone!

 

Toa Nuva: Switch masks to Kakamas.

 

Lewa Nuva: Fly-glide home-house little-small Gukko-bird

 

Pohatu Nuva: Weaving in and out of traffic is harder than I thought!

 

To Be Concluded

 

Will the Toa survive the trip to school? Will they join Makuta in world domination? What about the Toa of Light? Why am I asking so many questions? Why should you care. Find out all most of this and more in the Season Finale: Rahkshi Stars! (no relation to Stars Rahkshi of 2010)


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Posted May 18 2013 - 08:37 PM

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Season Finale![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Chapter 12: The Thirteenth Toa[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: Okay, school is lame.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Gali: It's lunchtime! The children are heading to our position.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Kopaka Nuva: ETA?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Lewa: What?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: ETA, RIGHT NOW! Everybody hide.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Everybody: *hides*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]A big bunch of kids: *walk into the lunchroom*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]The owner: Man, I've been looking everywhere but I can't find my Toa.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Owner's friend: Aw, that's awful Bob.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Owner(who is apparently named Bob): Yeah, I've kinda been neglecting my Mata recently but now I realize I should play with all my toys equally. I miss them very much, I want to find them and I will play with all of them.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Bob's friend: That's the sappiest thing you've ever said.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Gali: *whispering*: See, he does care. Now can we go home.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: Mission accomplished men...and Galis.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu Nuva: Let's go home.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]*Meanwhile at the house*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: Agh! Back you slugs! Ever since Makuta collected this giant army of 200-something Kraata-[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Nuju: Click.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Matoro and Rebuilt Matoro: He said there are exactly 252.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: Whatever. But life has not been good since he got those 250 Kraata.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Nuju: Click[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Matoros: Two fifty-[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: 252, I know! Don't you try to educate me you whippersnapper![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Matau: Wat iz a wipersnaper nywa?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Onewa: I have no idea what a wiper snaper is. Does it relate to Snape from Harry Potter?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Matau: U guyz iz mean 2 me.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Onewa: Who are you anyways? Aw, well I guess you must not be important. And yes, we iz mean.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: Look, the Toa have arrived.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: We're back and ready to face Makuta.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Makuta: But are you ready to face-[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu Nuva: How did you get here?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Makuta: You just totally killed the moment. And I teleported. Now, are you ready to face...The Rahkshi?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Rahkshi: Screech![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vorahk: *starts playing guitar/staff*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Pohatu Nuva: *steals Pahrak's staff* Oh, it's on now![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Pohatu Nuva and Vorahk: *have an epic guitar showdown*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Jaller: Well this is...anticlimactic.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Bob: *walks into the room*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Toys: *play dead*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Bob: Yes it’s finally here! The Bionicle movie! *Puts it in DVD player and presses play*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]*Partway through the movie Jaller, Hahli, and Takua sneak away to go build the Toa of Light.*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Jaller: Of all the pieces to roll under the fridge, it had to be his neck.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Takua and Jaller: *Sneak back into movie*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Bob: *Snore*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Movie Turahk: *kills Movie Jaller*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Jaller: What? I die? No![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Bob: *snore*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Movie Takua: *becomes Movie Takanuva*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Takua: So I'm the Toa of Light? Cool! *puts on Mask of Light*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Nothing: *happens*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Hahli: I found his neck! *Finishes building Takanuva*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Takanuva: Where am I?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Movie: *Ends*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Makuta: Shadow Kraata Rahkshi: Attack! *runs away to basement*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Rahkshi: *attack*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu Nuva: We'll deal with the Rahkshi, you get Makuta.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Takanuva: *Hops on Ussanui and goes to Makuta's lair*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Makuta: No Kolhii matches today. We're having a good old fashioned showdown.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]*An epic battle ensues*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]*Meanwhile*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu Nuva: Someone pass me the easy button.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: We don't have one of those.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: Yes we do! *gives Matau to Tahu Nuva*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu Nuva: *presses Matau's head*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Matau: That was easy-simple.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu Nuva: It's broken. *throws Matau over his shoulder*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Onewa: He quit using Leet speak. Today should be a holiday.  [/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu Nuva: Let's all go see how Takanuva's doing.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Everyone: *goes to basement*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Takutanuva: Quick through the door![/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Tahu: What door? And who are you?[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Takutanuva: The door you came in through. And no time to explain.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Everyone: *exits basement*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Takutanuva: *gets crushed by door for some reason*[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Vakama: As soon as we rebuild Takanuva, we can celebrate today's victo-[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]Kongu: * runs into room* It's the apocalypse, guys! The owner started selling sets on ebay.[/color]

 

[color=rgb(34,34,34);font-family:Arial, 'sans-serif';font-size:10.5pt;]End Season 1 (with a cliffhanger, of course)[/color]


Edited by ToaKapura1234, May 18 2013 - 08:38 PM.

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#16 Offline Null.

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Posted Jul 20 2013 - 09:55 AM

To be honest, unless anyone shows interest in this, there probably won't be a season 2. I have no audience that I know about, therefore no motivation to write.


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#17 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Aug 01 2013 - 03:11 PM

Interesting comedy you've got here. The story's certainly a unique one, even if a bit hard to follow (which is a trade off you have to make sometimes). You've got no shortage of quirky characters, which is usually good, but I think in this case you may have too much of a good thing. When all or the majority of the characters are quirky, none of them really stand out as quirky, and it can make things a little difficult to follow.

 

I hope you keep writing, you've certainly got potential. I apologize for somehow completely missing this for its entire first season...probably just general laziness on my part.

 

-MT


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#18 Offline Null.

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Posted Aug 01 2013 - 09:25 PM

Your posting has given me just barely enough inspiration to create a Season 2 prologue. Just not now.  If it's not up by Saturday, you have my permission to spam my PM box reminding me.


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#19 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Aug 01 2013 - 09:34 PM

Your posting has given me just barely enough inspiration to create a Season 2 prologue. Just not now.  If it's not up by Saturday, you have my permission to spam my PM box reminding me.

Oh, um...I'll keep that in mind.

 

-MT


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#20 Offline Null.

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Posted Aug 02 2013 - 12:05 PM

Season 2: Suburb of Legends

 

Prologue: The Hoard of The Things

 

Narrator: Hello. I had this little introduction in the prologue of Season 1 but I lost it and was too lazy to rewrite.  Anyways I am not Turaga Vakama of 2013 telling the story of me and my friends on this website because toys are not alive. I am a human author telling a fictional story. So no need to panic and destroy your toys, kids and humans, err fellow humans.  Oh and this account is not named in honor of poor Kapura who never existed because he never got a set, because all Bionicle characters are fictional and toys are not alive.  Okay I think that covers it.  Here's the prologue with Toa Vakama, not me, er I mean not Turaga Vakama who isn't me because I'm a human.  New Paragraph!

 

Gathered friends, let us listen again to The Legend of the Bionicle...Toys.  Long ago in, like about ten years, wow has it really been that long? I feel old.  Anywho, there were some Bionicle toys who lived, yes LIVED in a house in the country. We're, err they're not in this chapter.  This chapter is 9 years ago in the civilized suburbs of 2004. A nine-year-old child had just bought the six Toa Metru. 

 

Toa, not Turaga Vakama: Uhh, where am I? The last thing I remember is putting that stone Toa Lhikan gave me in the Great Temple with Nuju and those other matoran and whoa hang on a second. Why am I so tall. I'm going to go find a mirror.

 

*Three minutes later*

 

Toa Vakama: I'm a Toa?

 

Toa Matau: You're still not as gorgeous-handsome as me.

 

Toa Vakama: Uh, that's great. But how did you get here?

 

Toa Matau: Well it looks like we all six turned-transformed into Toa-heroes, got cool-awesome weapons, and were teleported-transported here in weird-strange canisters.

 

Toa Vakama: Right. (muttering) What did he just say?

 

Toa Matau: Follow I-me!

 

Narrator: Matau then led Vakama to the other Toa Metru and proper introductions ensued.

 

Toa Vakama: Hey, Nuju, how ya doing?

 

Toa Nuju: Do I know you?

 

Toa Vakama: Don't you remember I put the eye-piece on your mask?

 

Toa Nuju: I forgo the past in favor of the future.

 

Toa Whenua: Past!

 

Toa Onewa: Present!

 

Toa Nuju: Future!

 

Narrator: Then the three Toa-stooges got in a free for all brawl. Wait I thought the Lewas were the stooges? Ah, well, who cares?

 

Toa Nokama: Boys. *rolls her eyes*

 

Toa Matau: Hey there, I'm Matau.

 

Toa Vakama: And I'm Vakama.

 

Toa Matau: Hey, I saw her first!

 

Toa Vakama: What are you talking about? I was just intro-

 

Toa Matau: *Tackles Vakama*

 

Toa Nokama: I can't believe this is the Toa Team I got stuck with.

 

Narrator: Little did Nokama know these Toa would soon be the least of her worries. *cough*Lewa*cough*

 

End Prologue

 

There. I did it. New chapter. I tried to do a better job of keeping their canon personalities. Did I?

 

(Maybe asking a question at the end will trick people into replying :evilgrin: :P)


Edited by ToaKapura1234, Aug 02 2013 - 12:08 PM.

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#21 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Aug 02 2013 - 03:04 PM

There. I did it. New chapter. I tried to do a better job of keeping their canon personalities. Did I?

 

Posted Image

 

Good chappy. The intro was pretty entertaining, one thing I would suggest though is perhaps cutting down a bit on randomness. It's not always quite as funny as we'd hope, and it can make things difficult to follow.

 

-MT


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#22 Offline Null.

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Posted Aug 02 2013 - 03:10 PM

Uhh, what's up with the cat? Is that a yes?


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#23 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Aug 02 2013 - 07:53 PM

..oh...I thought you were joking.

 

Well...if you were going for more strict Bionicle personalities...yeah, you succeeded, at least in capturing the personalties of the Metru from the two Metru movies. The problem there is that both of those movies were horrible...so trying to copy them doesn't make for very good characters.

 

-MT


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#24 Offline Null.

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Posted Aug 02 2013 - 08:30 PM

Eh it's the prologue. Everything can change in the first chapter, which will go back to the familiar.


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#25 Offline Null.

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Posted Aug 03 2013 - 04:39 PM

Narrator: Sorry everyone, I cut off too soon and never incorporated the title. Here it is:

The Hoard of the Things Part Two: The Actual Hoard.

 

Narrator: Then the Toa looked around the room they were in and saw a giant hoard of useless things.

 

The End

 

Narrator: I didn't say it was a long part.


Edited by ToaKapura1234, Aug 03 2013 - 04:39 PM.

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#26 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Aug 06 2013 - 11:42 PM

...uh...ok then...

 

...I guess looking forward to the next real part?

 

-MT


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#27 Offline Toa Of Anarchy

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Posted Aug 10 2013 - 11:55 AM

Even though the story idea is not new, you made sure that it didn't become boring or predictable. Good job!

Definitly would read another.


Edited by Toa of Anarchy, Aug 10 2013 - 11:55 AM.

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"The invasion of the universe core is proceeding well, my newest creations are spreading darkness and corruption, and in general, it is good to be alive."
— Mutran, The Mutran Chronicles

 

"And you still haven't answered any of my one-hundred ten questions, or my follow ups."
— Vezon to Trinuma, Destiny War

 

"Another Hafu original!"
— Hafu, Mata Nui Online Game 

 

The biggest sacrifice in bionicle. Its a tie between Matoro giving up his life to save the universe and Hafu knocking down his beloved pieces of nostalgia to save Po-Koro.

 


#28 Offline Null.

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Posted Aug 19 2013 - 07:36 PM

@ToA: It is still going on, its not over or anything

 

And sorry to everyone anyone that actually reads this that I haven't posted a chapter in so long. Expect one this weekend. Chapter in progress. About halfway-through-ish.  Expect it to be long-ish.

 

-ish :P


Edited by ToaKapura1234, Aug 20 2013 - 08:50 PM.

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#29 Offline Null.

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Posted Aug 21 2013 - 07:15 PM

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Surprise! I had some unexpected free time, so here goes:[/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Season 2[/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Chapter 1: The Great Journey[/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Narrator: And so all the Turaga and other less important sets packed their bags and said less-important minions carried all of the bags and we, err I mean they prepared for a long journey.[/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Jaller: (musically in a really deep voice) In dungeons deep, and caverns old[/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]The other twelve short matoran things that somehow got really deep voices, also musical: There lies our long forgotten gold.[/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);](Other Narrator?): I must interject,  that there were only twelve others because the girls were not singing as they didn't have deep voices and Kopeke was also not singing for obvious reasons.[/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Narrator: Get off the computer Nokama, it's my turn! I'm typing this instead of saying it to you because, oh I don't know, I'm old! What's a backspace key? Anyways you're killing the dramaticness. It's a word. Okay, please ignore that kiddies. So the 13 short guys, 14 if you count Bil, err Kopeke, and the tall one Takanuva the Grey set off to the Lonely Mountain or something like that. It was dramatic. "FORTH EORLINGAS!" and the fatness of Helm's Deep and Gondor and all that. Meanwhile the Toa were scouting out the attic as a potential hiding spot. Ooh I can't believe I forgot! I don't think I've done this before. Okay pretend it's still the beginning:[/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Narrator: Last time on Not Star Trek (Epic Montage plays)[/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Vakama: RUN![/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Akamai: CHARGE![/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Bohrok: We are the Bohrok. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.[/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Tahu: YOU ARE A TOY![/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Pohatu: The Nuva symbols are gone![/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Tahu: You killed my father.[/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Kongu: It's the apocalypse, guys! The owner started selling sets on ebay.[/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]And now, the continuation. [/color][/font]

 

[font="arial, sans-serif;"][color=rgb(34,34,34);]Narrator: Okay, so where were we? Ah yes, the Toa(and Nuva) in the attic.[/color][/font]

 

Tahu: There's nothing here.

 

Tahu Nuva: Nothing but

 

Voice: Dust and Echoes

 

Tahu Nuva: I was going to say cardboard boxes anyways.

 

Tahu: I've played the videogame that's from.

 

Tahu Nuva: Cardboard boxes?

 

Tahu: No, "Dust and Echoes"

 

Tahu Nuva: Those came from a videogame.

 

Tahu: It's a quote.

 

Gali: Who said that?

 

Tahu Nuva: Cardboard boxes?

 

Speaking parts AKA not the Onuas: NO!

 

Narrator: And then a weird Bionicle-looking robot thing crawled out of a cardboard box.

 

Robot-thing: It was I.

 

Tahu: So you play videogames?

 

Robot: What's a videogame? Anyways, I am Dust the Slizer, last of my people.

 

Gali: Who were your people?

 

Dust: Robots who-

 

Tahu: Wait, you're a robot who's never heard of video games?

 

Lewa: And more importantly, you're a person or a robot. You can't be both. Pick one.

 

Dust: We originally fought amongst ourselves. Then we discovered we were toys and realized the foolishness of our fighting and then we peacefully coexisted. But then one day Lego replaced us with-

 

Tahu: Slizer Nuva?

 

Tahu Nuva: What's that supposed to mean?

 

Tahu: Nothing.

 

Dust: Roboriders! Our owner, or rather his parents bought them.

 

Narrator: Okay this is boring, I'm not typing the rest of it. Fast-forward. While Tahu, Tahu Nuva, and Lewa ruined any attempts to be dramatic, Dust ignored them and said they fought the Roboriders,  all his buddies got sold, he hid in the attic, and later the Roboriders got sold. Play.

 

Dust: Remember, stay with your friends. Farewell.

 

Narrator: He then went downstairs, let himself get sold and looked forward to a better life than inhaling lint 24/7

 

Tahu: No, don't!

 

Lewa: Good riddance.

 

Tahu: *smacks Lewa* Don't you see, he's practically dead now!

 

Gali: Ridiculous. Now he will be played with.

 

Tahu: Last time I got played with, my head was almost swallowed.

 

Gali: Isn't it obvious what we must do? We must sell ourselves together.

 

Tahu: Does that include Makuta?

 

Gali: All of us.

 

Tahu: Fine.

 

Narrator: The Toa then went back downstairs and were met by Onepu.

 

Kopaka: Onepu, status.

 

Onepu: We've lost the Rahi, Bohrok, Bahrag, Boxor, and all but one Exo-Toa.

 

Gali: Did Nuparu...

 

Onepu: He made it out of the Boxor in time.

 

Tahu: Wait a minute. If the Bahrag are gone, that means....

 

Voice: This time we will not fail. For we are the Bohrok-Kal.

 

To Be Continued.


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#30 Offline MT Zehvor

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Posted Aug 22 2013 - 05:55 PM

(Other Narrator?): I must interject,  that there were only twelve others because the girls were not singing as they didn't have deep voices and Kopeke was also not singing for obvious reasons.

 

Not just interject...

 

YOU MUST OBJECT.

 

Posted Image

This was a pretty random chappy. Some of the humor worked well, such as the lint joke, and some of the humor bounced around too quickly to really make sense, at least to me. I think things would probably work a little better if there was bit more transition inbetween various lines and scenes in order to explain things a bit better to readers. An example would be: 

 

Gali: Ridiculous. Now he will be played with.

 

Tahu: Last time I got played with, my head was almost swallowed.

 

Gali: Isn't it obvious what we must do? We must sell ourselves together.

 

Tahu: Does that include Makuta?

 

Gali and Tahu jump immediately from discussing what happens when people play with them to suddenly having a plan formulated to escape from being played with. While the two topics are more or less related, they're still distant enough to where it's a bit jarring for characters to go from being immersed in one topic to directly immersed in the other in the span of a singe line.

 

So yeah, my suggestion would be to try and make scene transitions a bit longer, but other than that you're doing well.

 

-MT


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