The Bionicle RPG You Never Wanted

[Pahrak Model ZX]

BZPower Presents

A Pahrak Productions Game

SUPER EPIC MEGA VAHKI QUEST

(AKA THE BIONICLE RPG YOU NEVER WANTED)

>NEW GAME

LOADING CHAPTER 1…

In the land of Old Cliché, the Lego races live alongside one another in peace. But because that wouldn’t make for an interesting game, there is a…prophecy, maybe? Yeah, a prophecy about a, um…a mad Turaga who will…do…bad things…yeah. Oh, and it also mentions something about a hero. Ooh, better yet, an unlikely hero! Yeah, that’ll bring in a profit.

Anyway, the age of light is over. Now comes the age of shadow…

 

 

A cutscene opens overlooking a grassy plain, with simplistic cottages visible in the background. Two beings—a Zadakh and a Bordakh—walk down a dirt road toward the bottom of the screen.

 

Zadakh: And that’s why I’m afraid of Ghekula.

 

Bordakh: …Okay then…guess we won’t be visiting the lake anytime soon. Quick question: is there anything you aren’t afraid of?

 

Zadakh: Well…I’m not afraid of you.

 

Bordakh: Aw, Zadakh…

 

Zadakh: Except for when you get angry.

 

Bordakh: …Right.

 

Zadakh: Seriously, when you’re angry you’re, like, the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen.

 

Bordakh: I get it.

 

Zadakh: But anyway, I brought you out here because I wanted to ask you something. We’ve known each other for years now, and blah blah blah. Marry me?

 

Zadakh produces a diamond-encrusted Kanoka disk.

 

Bordakh: Even though we’re robots and Bionicles can’t canonically feel love, sure.

 

Zadakh: Woo! Key relationship established within the first minute of the game!

 

Bordakh takes the disk and the two head back for their village.

 

Narrator: Just two small-town Vahki—

 

Zadakh: I’m getting a feeling that’s the opening of a really bad song parody.

 

Narrator: What? No, don’t be ridiculous! We’d never do that!

 

Off-Screen Band: Awwww…

 

Narrator: Shh! Just go!

 

Off-Screen Band: We’re still getting paid though, right?

 

Narrator: Take it up with the director! Ahem…two Vahki, completely insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe—

 

Bordakh: Well don’t we feel special…

 

Narrator: --enjoying a happy moment in their quiet life. Little do they know, their bliss is not to last.

 

Zadakh and Bordakh come to a quick stop.

 

Zadakh: Huh-what?

 

Bordakh: Now we know.

 

A rumble can be heard as a shadow falls over the land. The camera shifts up, revealing a massive airship emerging from the clouds.

 

Zadakh: …Maybe they’re friendly?

 

Bordakh facepalms.

 

Bordakh: Yeah, let’s just ignore the 100% ominous nature of this situation and be optimistic.

 

Hatches open on the ship’s sides, releasing a flock of Nivawk that swarm over the village. Bordakh races back to see what’s going on, with Zadakh following a bit more reluctantly. Before they reach the settlement, a Nivawk swoops in and grabs Bordakh in its talons, carrying her off to the airship.

 

Bordakh: ZADAAAAAAAKH!

 

Zadakh: BORDAAAAAw crud, now what am I gonna do?

 

The bottom of the airship transforms into a viewscreen and displays the image of a Kiril-wearing Turaga of Fire.

 

Turaga: Attention citizens of…wait, does this village even have a name? Er, it matters not, because now it’s MY village!

 

Zadakh: Who are you?

 

Turaga: I’m so glad you asked. I am—

 

Zadakh: Wait, you can actually hear me? How is that possible?

 

Zadakh doesn’t notice the Nivawk hovering behind him with a microphone.

 

Turaga: Um…I have many mystical powers beyond your mortal comprehension?

 

Zadakh: Oh, that sounds legit. Continue.

 

Turaga: I am Turaga Dume! Soon all of Old Cliché will be under my rule, starting with this village of…no-name-currently-province…we really must work on that. Anyway, in order to strengthen my army against the fools I just know are going to challenge it, I will be randomly kidnapping members of each Lego race, studying them, and using the data to build duplicates loyal only to me!

 

Zadakh: Now, when you say “studying them”…

 

Dume: Really, I’m just going to x-ray them. No pain or trauma involved.

 

Zadakh: Oh, that’s a relief.

 

Dume: But they will never be able to return!

 

Zadakh: …Can we at least visit them?

 

Dume: No! What kind of villain would I be if I let you visit my captives?

 

Zadakh: …A nice one?

 

Dume: Sorry, I’m too one-dimensional a character to consider that.

 

Zadakh: But—

 

Dume: LALALA CAN’T HEAR YOU TOO ONE-DIMENSIONAL!!

 

Zadakh: Well dang, this is officially a problem!

 

Dume: And what are you going to do about it, silly little Vahki?

 

After a very long pause, Zadakh shrugged, so the narrator had to step in.

 

Narrator: Emboldened by his love for Bordakh, the normally cowardly Zadakh charged towards the airship!

 

Zadakh: I did?

 

Narrator: Didn’t you read the script?

 

Zadakh: That sounds inconsistent with my character.

 

Narrator: Who cares about consistency? We need to move the plot forward!

 

Zadakh: Well can’t we just skip the running part? My legs are tired from taking this hike.

 

Narrator: Oh fine.

 

Suddenly the ground gives way beneath Zadakh. When he lands, he looks up to see a giant red Lego brick floating a few feet in front of him.

 

Lego Brick: Zadakh, I am the essence of Old Cliché’s life force. You were conveniently standing right above my cavern when the ceiling gave way.

 

Zadakh: And…the Nivawk aren’t following me down here?

 

Lego Brick: No, they won’t go underground.

 

Zadakh: Oh, that’s even more convenient.

 

Lego Brick: I know, right? Anyway, Dume’s conquest was foretold in an ancient (if vague and somewhat forced) prophecy. You are the chosen one who must defeat him!

 

Zadakh: Wait, a wimpy Vahki with no skills or powers whatsoever is the only, predestined hope to defeat a great evil? Something’s not right here.

 

Lego Brick: You’re the chosen one! Deal with it! Now, I am going to grant you the strength of a Toa in order to accomplish your destiny!

 

Zadakh: You’re going to turn me into a Toa?

 

Lego Brick: Well…sort of.

 

Two arms of energy grew out of the Lego Brick and grabbed Zadakh. A rock wall slid away to reveal a headless Toa body, and the Brick popped Zadakh’s head out of its socket and attached it to the socket on the other body.

 

Zadakh: If we weren’t made of Lego that would be incredibly disturbing.

 

Lego Brick: You are now an Exo-Vahki, with power enough to slay any monster!

 

Zadakh: Question: wouldn’t Mega Vahki be more consistent with the title?

 

Lego Brick: Too late—we’ve already started printing merchandise. Now go forth, chosen one! Defeat Dume, rescue Bordakh, and save the world!

 

In a flash of light, Zadakh finds himself back at the surface. The airship and Nivawk are gone, and the village is left in ruins.

 

Zadakh: Wait, what do I do now?

 

No one responded.

 

Zadakh: Really?! I’m told to save the world but given no hints on how to actually accomplish it?! Oh that’s just great. Guess I have to buy the strategy guide and shell out an extra $20 to have any idea what I’m doing. Wait…Pahrak Productions must have planned this to make more money!! Why those—

 

 

PAUSE

Edited April 25, 2013 by Pahrak #0579

[Voxumo]

So wait is this a story or an actual rpg?

[Pahrak Model ZX]

It's a story intended to parody the RPG genre of video games. Kind of a spur of the moment thing...

[Voxumo]

oh ok well that makes more sense. I honestly was not sure and figure i would ask

[Phovos]

That was... That was great.

[Pahrak Model ZX]

>LOAD GAME

>FILE 1

LOADING CHAPTER 2…

 

 

 

Zadakh: Drat…the strategy guide is sold out. Well, I guess I should just head back to town and see if that does anything.

 

Zadakh takes one step. The screen shatters and goes dark.

 

Zadakh: WHOA! WHAT’S HAPPENING?! DID WE GET THE RED RING OF DEATH OR SOEMTHING?!

 

The screen lights up to show Zadakh, now holding a sword, standing a few yards away from a Nui-Rama. Catchy music starts playing.

 

BATTLE TUTORIAL

 

Zadakh: Oh…I was worried for a second…wait, where’d this sword come from?

 

Tutorial Box: Let me explain every detail of this incredibly standard battle system that you could probably just wing.

 

Zadakh: Can’t I skip it?

 

Tutorial Box: This meter labeled HP is your HP. Do not run out of HP. If you run out of HP, the game will be over. Keep a close eye on your HP. HP is important.

 

Zadakh: Okay, I get it, can’t I just—

 

Tutorial Box: This option is Attack. Selecting Attack will make Zadakh use his basic Attack to attack monsters.

 

Zadakh: This is going to take a while…

 

10 minutes later…

 

Tutorial Box: Repeat battle tutorial?

 

>NO

 

Zadakh: Thank God that’s over. Now…

 

BATTLE

Zadakh Lv 1

>Attack

>>Nui-Rama

10 damage!

 

Nui-Rama attacks Zadakh. 2 damage!

 

Zadakh

>Attack

>>Nui-Rama

10 damage! Nui-Rama defeated!

BATTLE WON! GET 25 WIDGETS, 3 EXP

 

Zadakh: Well that wasn’t so bad.

 

Zadakh takes another step. The screen shatters again.

 

Zadakh: Another battle? Alright…

 

After slaying another Nui-Rama, Zadakh turns to the side. The screen shatters again.

 

Zadakh: I BARELY MOVED!! Why is the encounter rate so high?!

 

Eleven battles later…

 

Tutorial Box: Zadakh leveled up!

 

LEVEL TUTORIAL

 

Zadakh: Oh come on, who needs a level tutorial?!

 

Tutorial Box: When Zadakh kills something, he gets EXP. EXP is good. When Zadakh gains enough EXP, he gains another level. Gaining a level will boost Zadakh’s statistics and may allow him to learn new Skills. Be sure to get as much EXP as you can. That way you can gain many levels and become much more powerful. If you die in a particular battle, try getting more EXP and leveling up more before trying again. Repeat this tutorial?

 

>NO

 

Zadakh: Well that was unnecessary. At least I finally made it to town.

 

TOWN TUTORIAL

 

Zadakh: You have got to be kidding me!!

 

Tutorial Box: A town is an area where NPCs (Non-Player Characters) live. You can talk to NPCs. Talking to NPCs may reveal helpful information. Enemies do not attack in towns. Towns also have shops where you can buy things, and Hotels where you can heal Zadakh. You can also save your game in towns. You cannot save your game outside a town. There are items that will let you save outside a town, but you do not have those yet. For now, you can only save inside a town. Repeat tutorial?

 

>NO

 

Zadakh: Let’s see if I can go five minutes without prompting another tutorial…

 

Zadakh walks around the town, which is mostly destroyed. The Hotel and Shop are somehow unscathed. An NPC Nuurakh approaches Zadakh.

 

NPC Nuurakh: Zadakh? Is that you?

 

DIALOGUE CHOICE: Zadakh? Who’s Zadakh? / Yeah, it’s me.

 

Zadakh: Um…

 

>Zadakh? Who’s Zadakh?

 

NPC Nuurakh: Oh…never mind.

 

The NPC walks away. A few seconds later, it walks back towards Zadakh.

 

NPC Nuurakh: Zadakh? Is that you?

 

DIALOGUE CHOICE: Zadakh? Who’s Zadakh? / Yeah, it’s me.

 

Zadakh: You already asked me that, don’t you remember?

 

NPC Nuurakh: …

 

Zadakh: …Fine.

 

>Yeah, it’s me.

 

NPC Nuurakh: Wow…what happened to you? And hey, weren’t you with Bordakh? Where is she?

 

Zadakh: She was kidnapped, and then I had a run-in with a magic brick.

 

NPC Nuurakh: Crazy…so, what are you going to do now?

 

Zadakh: Karzahni if I know! The brick told me I had to save the world, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to do that!

 

NPC Nuurakh: You’ve been through a lot. Why don’t you take a rest at the Hotel?

 

Muttering, Zadakh stalks into the Hotel and up to the Vahki at the counter.

 

A NIGHT COSTS 20 WIDGETS. STAY THE NIGHT?

 

Zadakh: What, it isn’t free? What if I run low on HP and Widgets, and I can’t win another battle to fund a stay at the Hotel?

 

Hotel NPC: …

 

Zadakh: Ugh, whatever.

 

>Yes

 

Suddenly it’s night. Five seconds later, it’s day again, and Zadakh feels strangely well-rested.

 

Zadakh: Well that was weird. I could’ve sworn it was still morning…

 

Walking outside, Zadakh sees that most of the town has been rebuilt. A Kranua approaches him.

 

Kranua: Good morning, young Zadakh. I see the rumors of your transformation were no exaggeration. Perhaps you really are the Chosen One…

 

Zadakh: I make no promises.

 

Kranua: Dume’s airship headed north, towards the city of Metru-Nui. If you move quickly, you may be able to catch him.

 

Zadakh: Hah. Quickly, when I have to fight a Nui-Rama every time I take a step?

 

Kranua walks away.

 

Zadakh: …Real helpful. But I have nothing else to go on.

 

Turning to the town gates, Zadakh tentatively steps out. The screen shatters.

 

Zadakh: SON OF A—

 

PAUSE

Edited April 30, 2013 by Pahrak #0579

[Phovos]

Hehe. I feel your pain with unnecessarily annoying tutorial boxes. And all those battles... Feels like Pokemon....

[Makuta of Time]

This RPG Comedy really makes me laugh. Every step makes him get attacked.

[Pahrak Model ZX]

>LOAD GAME

>FILE 1

LOADING CHAPTER 3…

 

 

 

After dozens of battles, Zadakh is about 4 steps away from the town gate.

 

Zadakh: This is ridiculous…there has to be some way to lower this insane encounter rate!

 

PAUSE

[uP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A]

RESUME

 

Zadakh takes another step, but does not enter a battle.

 

Zadakh: …I’m both relieved that worked and angry I didn’t think of it sooner. Off to Metru-Nui!

 

The remainder of the trip has much fewer battles. Eventually Zadakh spots a pile of wreckage with only two buildings standing. As he steps near it, a text box appears overhead reading “METRU-NUI.”

 

Zadakh: Something tells me I’m a little late.

 

???: Who’s there?!

 

Turning around, Zadakh sees a Toa of Water wearing a Kanohi Komau. She points a disk launcher at him and stares at him with blank eyes.

 

Zadakh: Whoa, take it easy! I’m Zadakh, from the Vahki village a little south of here. I was chasing after an airship, but I guess I missed it. Who’re you? One of the Toa of Metru-Nui?

 

Toa: Well yeah, now. I found a deus ex machina Toa Stone right after the raid. The other Toa were all kidnapped…including Nokama…

 

Zadakh: And…you are?

 

The Toa slowly lowers her launcher.

 

Toa: Vhisola. So, you’re going after the ship? I’m coming with you.

 

VHISOLA JOINED THE PARTY

 

Zadakh: That was…kinda sudden. Why are you—

 

Vhisola’s eyes burn with rage.

 

Vhisola: They took Nokama. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get her back.

 

Zadakh: …O…kay…uh…this place is in a lot worse shape than my village.

 

Vhisola’s expression returns to normal.

 

Vhisola: Dume used to be Turaga here until we kicked him out. He’s still sore about it.

 

Zadakh: Hm…but those buildings?

 

Vhisola: The Hotel and the Shop. Somehow they avoided all damage.

 

Zadakh: That’s strange…

 

Vhisola: Speaking of which, we should visit them before we leave. A rest would be good, and new equipment can’t hurt.

 

Zadakh: You’re starting to sound like the tutorial box.

 

Vhisola: Yeah, it gave me this index card so I wouldn’t forget to tell you. See?

 

Zadakh: …Let’s just go to the shop.

 

SHOP TUTORI—

 

Zadakh: NO! I know how to buy things from a shop!

 

Zadakh punches the tutorial box and it runs away crying.

 

Vhisola: That was uncalled for.

 

Zadakh: Trust me, it was definitely called for.

 

After purchasing some new armor at the shop, Zadakh and Vhisola head for the Hotel.

 

A NIGHT COSTS 30 WIDGETS. STAY THE NIGHT?

 

Zadakh: It gets more expensive with each town?! Ugh…

 

>Yes

 

Zadakh: *thinking* Maybe I’d better sleep lightly. Vhisola seems a little—

 

Night falls for approximately 5 seconds.

 

Zadakh: …I think Dume messed with the rotation of the planet. The day/night cycle is completely out of whack.

 

Vhisola: Come on—Dume’s airship continued north after attacking our city. We need to hurry.

 

The party leaves the city. Before long, the screen shatters and a battle against a Nui-Rama and a Tarakava begins. The tutorial box slowly creeps onto the field.

 

…VHISOLA TUTORIAL?

 

Zadakh: …Sure, go ahead.

 

Tutorial Box: Vhisola’s standard attack will fire Kanoka at the target. This has greater range than Zadakh’s sword, and also higher accuracy at the expense of lower power. By equipping new Kanoka, you can give Vhisola’s attack special properties. Being a Toa of Water, Vhisola will learn several Water-based Skills that can be used at the expense of SP (Skill Points) and are much stronger than her basic attack. Repeat tutorial?

 

>No

 

Zadakh: Okay, let’s see what you can do.

 

BATTLE

Zadakh Lv 2

>Attack

>>Tarakava

13 damage!

 

Vhisola Lv 2

>Skills

>>Water Jet

>>>Nui-Rama

15 damage! Nui-Rama defeated!

 

Tarakava attacks Vhisola! 10 damage!

 

Zadakh

>Attack

>>Tarakava

13 damage!

 

Vhisola

>Attack

>>Tarakava

5 damage! Tarakava defeated!

BATTLE WON! GET 50 WIDGETS, 14 EXP

ZADAKH LEVELED UP! NEW SKILL “ENFORCE BREAKER” LEARNED!

 

Zadakh: Cool, my first skill!

 

Vhisola: …Ahem?

 

Zadakh: Huh? Oh, yeah, good job. Now, let’s check out this skill!

 

MENU

>SKILLS

>>ZADAKH

>>>ENFORCE BREAKER: 5 SP. Zadakh charges his blade with energy and then slams it down on the foe. Always results in a critical hit, may break enemy armor.

 

Zadakh: Sweet! Let’s find some Rahi to kill with it!

 

Vhisola: We need to keep moving if we’re to have any chance to catching up with Dume. Hurry up!

 

A few minutes later, the party discovers a large tower. When they come close to it, a text box appears reading “COLISEUM”. An energy barrier prevents them from entering the gates.

 

Zadakh: This just screams “villainous hideout.”

 

Vhisola’s eyes go blank.

 

Vhisola: Nokama is here…I can feel it…

 

Vhisola begins assaulting the gate to no avail. Zadakh takes a few steps back. Soon, a gold and blue armored giant appears on the other side of the shield.

 

???: Hahaha! You’ll never break through this shield!

 

Zadakh: Let me guess: you’re the Dragon in this game, right?

 

???: I am Brutaka, Right Hand to Turaga Dume. As long as I—

 

Vhisola glares directly at Brutaka.

 

Vhisola: Where is Nokama?

 

Brutaka: *shudder* I-I…uh…you cannot rescue Dume’s prisoners, for even if you could somehow defeat me, this shield is impenetrable! It is fed by citadels from all four major countries of Old Cliché!

 

Zadakh: Citadels, huh?

 

Brutaka: Yep. You can’t miss them—they look like smaller versions of the Coliseum here, and they radiate so much doom and gloom that even a blind Rahi could find them.

 

*Silence*

 

Brutaka: In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have told you all that. Well, it’s not like I told you that there’s a specific order you need to destroy them in!

 

Zadakh: Specific order?

 

Brutaka: Yeah—first the one in Slizer Country, then the one in RoboRider World, followed by the one here in Bionicle Land, and lastly the citadel in the Hero Factory District.

 

*Silence*

 

Brutaka: I am so fired.

 

Zadakh: Ugh, Slizer Country? But that’s so far away!

 

Brutaka: Hahaha! You puny warriors have no hope of reaching Slizer Country without a Toa Canister!

 

Zadakh: Toa Canister?

 

Brutaka: Yes, Toa Canisters, like the ones hidden in the Mangaia dungeon west of here.

 

*Silence*

 

Brutaka: SON OF A BRAKAS!

 

Zadakh: Well, I think we’ve got all we need. Vhisola?

 

Vhisola: But…Nokama…

 

Zadakh: This ridiculously long quest is the only way to rescue Nokama.

 

Vhisola gradually returns to normal.

 

Vhisola: Fine. Let’s get to the Mangaia dungeon.

 

The party leaves the Coliseum.

 

Brutaka: Something’s not right with that blue Toa…

 

Intercom (Dume): Brutaka! Get up here! My sandwich isn’t going to slice itself!

 

Brutaka looks at his sword sadly and sighs.

 

Brutaka: Yes, sir, I’m on my way.

 

PAUSE

Edited May 3, 2013 by Pahrak #0579

[Canis Lycaon]

I can't believe I haven't commented here yet. This is really funny.

[Pahrak Model ZX]

>LOAD GAME

>FILE 1

LOADING CHAPTER 4…

 

 

Zadakh and Vhisola find a temple-like structure and enter it, finding a series of tunnels. A textbox reading “MANGAIA” appears.

 

Zadakh: Since this is a dungeon, the Toa Canisters are probably at the deepest level, with a boss guarding them. We’ll have to conserve our items, understand?

 

Vhisola: Who put you in charge?

 

Zadakh: The developers. I’m the main character, remember?

 

Vhisola: Well, still, won’t we find more items here in the dungeon? There’s a treasure chest right over there.

 

Zadakh: You never know what items you’re gonna find. Plus, some games put traps on treasure chests. Watch.

 

Zadakh slowly walks over to the treasure chest, uses his sword to flip the top open, and leaps back. Nothing happens. Vhisola walks up and inspects the chest.

 

Vhisola: Oh yeah, these Amana Volo Spheres look really dangerous. Careful, they may restore our HP all on their own!

 

Vhisola takes the spheres and continues down the tunnel. Three Nui-Jaga suddenly fall from the ceiling between her and Zadakh.

 

Zadakh: You were saying?

 

BATTLE

Nui-Jaga attacks Vhisola. 10 damage!

Nui-Jaga attacks Zadakh. 8 damage!

Nui-Jaga attacks Vhisola. 9 damage! Vhisola has been poisoned!

 

Zadakh Lv 3

>Skills

>>Enforce Breaker

>>>Nui-Jaga

Critical hit—40 damage! Nui-Jaga defeated!

 

Vhisola Lv 3

>Skills

>>Water Jet

>>>Nui-Jaga

20 damage!

Vhisola is poisoned! 5 damage.

 

Nui-Jaga attacks Vhisola! 10 damage!

Nui-Jaga attacks Vhisola! 10 damage!

 

Zadakh

>Attack

>>Nui-Jaga

19 damage! Nui-Jaga defeated!

 

Vhisola

>Skills

>>Water Jet

>>>Nui-Jaga

22 damage!

Vhisola is poisoned! 5 damage.

 

Nui-Jaga attacks Vhisola! 10 damage! Vhisola passes out!

 

Zadakh

>Attack

>>Nui-Jaga

19 damage! Nui-Jaga defeated!

BATTLE WON! GET 100 WIDGETS, 30 EXP!

 

Zadakh: Ugh, now I have to waste items to heal you…

 

MENU

>ITEMS

>>IGNIKA FRAGMENT

>>>VHISOLA

VHISOLA HAS BEEN REVIVED!

>>AMANA VOLO SPHERE

>>>VHISOLA

VHISOLA’S HP HAS BEEN RESTORED!

 

Zadakh: Now are you going to listen to me?

 

Vhisola: …Fine. But how do you know so much in the first place?

 

Zadakh: The player owns a lot of RPGs, and I inherit the knowledge of whoever holds the controller.

 

Vhisola: Really?

 

Zadakh: Yeah, but it’s a pain sometimes. It also transfers over all their unpleasant memories, so now I have two troubled childhoods to reflect on.

 

The party continues and reaches a fork in the tunnel. Upon taking the right tunnel, they reach a door with a hole carved into it. Zadakh walks up and examines the door.

 

Text Box: IT SEEMS TO REQUIRE SOME SORT OF KEY…

 

Zadakh: Oh great, a dungeon puzzle. What’s worse, it’s a fetch quest.

 

Vhisola: Can you explain this to those of us who don’t absorb nerd knowledge?

 

Zadakh: There’s a key hidden somewhere else in the dungeon, so we need to go find it and then trek all the way back here before we get to go forward.

 

Vhisola: What?! Can’t we just break it down?

 

Zadakh reaches for his sword, but his hand suddenly moves to the side to prevent him from grabbing it. He tries to punch the wall, but the same thing happens.

 

Zadakh: …Apparently we can only wield weapons or attack things in battles and cutscenes…on to the fetch quest, I guess.

 

The party backtracks and takes the left tunnel. After traversing forty more rooms and fighting a hundred more battles, they end up at a dead-end with a fancy treasure chest sitting against the wall.

 

Vhisola: Okay…so…this is the key, right? It has to be—we’ve looked everywhere else.

 

Zadakh: I sure hope so. Still, this just screams “IT’S A TRAP!”

 

Vhisola: Thank you, Admiral Ackbar, I had no idea.

 

Zadakh: That’s what I’m here for. Now, we’re all healed up, so let’s get that key!

 

As soon as the chest is opened, a Muaka appears in the room.

 

BATTLE

Zadakh Lv 5

>Skills

>>Enforce Breaker

>>>Muaka

Critical hit—50 damage!

 

Vhisola Lv 4

>Skills

>>Water Jet

>>>Muaka

40 damage!

 

Muaka attacks Zadakh! 20 damage!

 

Zadakh

>Attack

>>Muaka

25 damage!

 

Vhisola

>Skills

>>Water Jet

>>>Muaka

35 damage!

 

Muaka attacks Vhisola! 30 damage!

 

Zadakh

>Attack

>>Muaka

30 damage!

 

Vhisola

>Skills

>>Water Jet

>>>Muaka

40 damage! Muaka defeated!

BATTLE WON! GET 200 WIDGETS, 50 EXP!

 

VHISOLA LEVELED UP! NEW SKILL “SUPER WAVE” LEARNED!

 

MAKOKI STONE OBTAINED!

 

Zadakh: Why the fancy name? It’s just a rock.

 

Vhisola: Forget the name—we’ve got it. Let’s go unlock the door.

 

After much backtracking, the party returns to the door and places the Makoki Stone in the niche. The door slides away, revealing a small chamber with a pillar of light at the center.

 

SAVE POINT TUTORIAL

 

Tutorial Box: This is a save point. A save point is a point where you can save. You usually can’t save when not on the world map, but here at a save point, you can save. You can also use the Hut item to fully restore the party, which you can only use on the world map and at save points. Always look for save points. Repeat tutorial?

 

>NO

 

Zadakh: I think I need to punch that thing harder next time.

 

MENU

>ITEMS

>>HUT

PARTY HEALED!

>SAVE

>>FILE 1

DATA SAVED!

 

Zadakh: The boss is probably right beyond this chamber. Ready?

 

Vhisola: Now you sound like the tutorial box.

 

Zadakh: …Come on…

 

The party advances through the door and arrives at a large, dark chamber. A Toa Canister can be seen buried in rubble on the far side. As the two of them attempt to cross the room, a Manas crab crawls out of the darkness.

 

BOSS BATTLE

Zadakh Lv 5

>Attack

>>Manas

5 damage!

 

Zadakh: 5?! Are you kidding?

 

Vhisola

>Skills

>>Water Jet

>>>Manas

7 damage!

 

Vhisola: Alright, who hacked the game?

 

Zadakh: I don’t know, but—MAN, THAT THING’S ARMOR IS TOUGH! I WONDER IF I COULD PIERCE IT WITH MY ENFORCE BREAKER…?

 

Zadakh shakes his head.

 

Zadakh: …That was weird…

 

Vhisola: What do you mean?

 

Zadakh: I mean my speech being taken over by the game engine. I would’ve figured it out myself sooner or later, you know!

 

Vhisola: Whatever, just use your Breaker skill!

 

Manas attacks Zadakh! 25 damage!

 

Zadakh

>Skills

>>Enforce Breaker

>>>Manas

Critical hit—11 damage! Armor break!

 

Vhisola

>Skills

>>Water Jet

>>>Manas

30 damage!

 

Zadakh: Glad that worked. Now let’s grind it to a pulp, loot its corpse, and steal everything it has here in its home!

 

Vhisola: …When you put it like that, it just sounds wrong.

 

Zadakh: Don’t blame me, that’s the way video games work.

 

Manas attacks Zadakh! 25 damage!

 

Zadakh

>Skills

>>Enforce Breaker

>>>Manas

Critical hit—55 damage!

 

Vhisola

>Skills

>>Super Wave

>>>Manas

70 damage!

 

Manas Skill: Carapace Charge on Vhisola! 50 damage!

 

Zadakh

>Items

>>Amana Volo Sphere

>>>Vhisola

Vhisola’s HP restored!

 

Vhisola

>Skills

>>Super Wave

>>>Manas

70 damage!

 

Manas Skill: Carapace Charge on Zadakh! 45 damage!

 

Zadakh

>Skills

>>Enforce Breaker

>>>Manas

Critical hit—50 damage! Manas defeated!

 

BOSS DEFEATED! GET 300 WIDGETS, 75 EXP!

ZADAKH LEVELED UP!

VHISOLA LEVELED UP!

 

The Manas withers away and dies. Zadakh and Vhisola walk up to the Toa Canister and unseal the hatch.

 

Vhisola: Is this the only one? There’s no way we’ll both fit in here.

 

Zadakh: Dibs!

 

Zadakh jumps into the Canister. A few seconds later, he comes back out.

 

Zadakh: It’s…bigger on the inside! I’ve always wanted a TARDIS! Forget this quest—let’s take the easy way out and travel through time to the end of the game!

 

Vhisola: What’s a TARDIS?

 

Zadakh: …I’m ashamed to be associated with you. Just get in.

 

PAUSE

 

[Canis Lycaon]

Wait, there going to skip the whole game? I was looking forward to seeing them encounter RoboRiders and Slizers. Aw. Or at least see some more people join the party.

 

Also, you know you can double post in comedy topics if you're posting another chapter, right?

[Pahrak Model ZX]

They're not actually going to skip, it's just the first thing Zadakh thought of when he realized the Canister is (supposedly) a TARDIS. Spoiler: it's not. He will be very disappointed. I'm planning on five party members--Zadakh plus one member from each theme. Slizer Country is next on the list, although I may insert a side-quest chapter first...

 

Yeah, I know I can double post, but I'm not always so talkative.

[Neelh]

Yes perfect.

 

Will we be seeing some Nokama/Vhisola interaction in the future? BD

[Pahrak Model ZX]

Some, but it won't happen until they rescue her at the end, unless I do a flashback. Which I might do. To be honest I'm kind of making this up as I go along.

[Neelh]

Don't we all?

 

But I can help please let me help it's to make up for the fact that I no longer RP Nokama with you?

[Pahrak Model ZX]

What did you have in mind?

[Keizah the Kaleidoscope]

A comedy about RPGs featuring Exo/Pahry's signature sarcasm? HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THIS SOONER? Some of my favorite parts so far:1. Nice comedic timing, plus plenty of gamer humor. 2. Yes, the big bad can hear you through the screen. Don't ask how.3. Good point about how dismembering characters gets downplayed in Lego. I remember being really disturbed the first time I saw the Piraka animations.4. Yandere Vhisola. That is all.5. I always did find it funny how the badguys always give the heroes tips, especially in the form of an oddly specific denial. "It's not like you could ever collect the artifacts to defeat me, hidden in key points of interest on the world map. Here, let me point them out to you. I'll just stay here and give you the time to find them before carrying out my evil plan...mwahaha?"6. The tutorial box is going to turn out to be the secret boss, isn't it?

Edited May 29, 2013 by Keizah the Kaleidoscope

[Pahrak Model ZX]

I was being kinda quiet about it since my attempts at comedies don't usually work out so well. Seems there's an audience for this one, though! I was considering having a secret boss if the story went well, but I hadn't picked who. I just might have to use the tutorial box now that you've suggested it.

[Neelh]

Shh! No spoilers, hear?

[25K Now!]

The Konami Code was not used properly!Where was select and start?

Edited June 2, 2013 by ZHX

[Pahrak Model ZX]

The developers of Super Epic Mega Vahki Quest didn't really think anything through, so is it really surprising that they messed up the Konami Code?

 

>LOAD GAME

>FILE 1

LOADING CHAPTER 5…

 

The Toa Canister appears on the overworld.

 

Zadakh: Wait…whenever I touch the console, it just takes us to the map.

 

The Canister moves a short distance before stopping.

 

Zadakh: …This isn’t a TARDIS, is it?

 

Vhisola: How should I know? I don’t even know what a TARDIS is.

 

Zadakh: Curses…well, let’s bring up the map.

 

Vhisola: We can do that?

 

Zadakh: Yeah. There wasn’t anything anywhere in the game to indicate that we could, but it’s in the manual.

 

The world map comes on screen: a square with four dot-shaped continents, meant to resemble a Lego brick viewed from above.

 

Zadakh: Okay, we’re in Bionicle Land right now. Slizer Country is…wait, which one is Slizer Country?

 

Vhisola: I don’t know, they’re not labeled. I thought you checked the manual?

 

Zadakh: Well this wasn’t in the manual! Hold on, the player’s Googling it…

 

A half hour passes.

 

Vhisola: Does it really take this long to Google something?

 

Zadakh: You know how it is. You look up one thing about a game, then you see something related that you want to look into, and the next thing you know a half hour has gone by.

 

The Toa Canister lurches forward.

 

Zadakh: Okay, he’s back. Hopefully it won’t take too long to make the trip.

 

Five minutes pass.

 

Zadakh: …Why is this map so large when there’s nothing between the continents?!

 

Vhisola: You’re not as much of an expert as you think, are you?

 

The Canister lands in Slizer Country and the party climbs out onto land. After fighting their way inland, they eventually reach a city.

 

Text Box: ABANDONED VILLAGE

 

Zadakh: Abandoned, huh…?

 

He pokes his head into the Inn and Shop. Slizers can be seen at both desks, but nowhere else in the entire city.

 

Zadakh: Well, almost abandoned. Anyway, let’s—WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS…? Oh great, this again…

 

A nearby house collapses, and Brutaka steps out of the wreckage.

 

Brutaka: Ah, there you are!

 

Zadakh: Brutaka? What are you doing here?

 

Brutaka: Isn’t it obvious? I’m here to stop you before you use the information I gave you to take down Turaga Dume!

 

Zadakh: No seriously, how did you get here with enough time to destroy the whole village?

 

Brutaka: Oh, well, first I went to check Mangaia, and once I saw you in your Toa Canister, I took my own here to lie in wait for you. You were taking a really long time, though, so I attacked the town for fun.

 

Zadakh: And…you didn’t get lost?

 

Brutaka: Villains get labeled maps.

 

Zadakh: …Of course they do.

 

BOSS BATTLE

Zadakh Lv 8

>Attack

>>Brutaka

0 damage!

 

Zadakh: 0?! Are you kidding?!

 

Vhisola Lv 8

>Skills

>>Super Wave

>>>Brutaka

0 damage!

 

Vhisola: Do we need to break his armor again?

 

Zadakh: Worse…it’s an event battle.

 

Brutaka: Hahaha! So you realize your predicament, then?

 

Brutaka attacks Vhisola. 9999 damage! Vhisola passes out!

 

Zadakh: Well at least they’re not wasting any time…

 

Brutaka attacks Zadakh. 9999 damage! Zadakh passes out!

The party has been defeated…

 

Brutaka: That’ll teach you to be within earshot when I foolishly reveal secrets!

 

Zadakh and Vhisola collapse on the ground, and Brutaka walks away laughing. A short time later, a heavily armored Slizer walks on-screen and holds out his arms. Zadakh and Vhisola slowly get up.

 

Vhisola: Ow…what just happened?

 

Slizer: You were knocked unconscious by the monster who destroyed our town. For whatever reason, he didn’t finish you off, giving me a chance to heal you.

 

Zadakh: Did you say…heal?

 

Zadakh springs to his feet.

 

Zadakh: We’ve found the healer!! YES! Every party needs a White Mage! What’s your name?

 

Slizer: I am Millennia, Slizer of Time. My entire—

 

Zadakh: Yeah, tragic; you want to join us and take revenge, or maybe just move on since there’s nothing left here for you anymore, or something, right?

 

Millennia: Um…I was training for the day I would assist the Chosen One—

 

Zadakh: I’m the Chosen One.

 

Millennia: Okay.

 

MILLENNIA JOINED THE PARTY!

 

Zadakh: Time to find that Citadel…

 

Millennia: Oh, you mean that thing?

 

Millennia points to a large Coliseum lookalike radiating dark energy.

 

Zadakh: Yeah, that’s probably the place.

 

After visiting the Inn and Shop, the party sets out. Not far from the city, they are attacked by a Muaka.

 

MILLENNIA TUTORIAL

Tutorial Box: Millennia’s armor is designed to take hits for his allies. Using his unique time-based abilities, he can heal the party’s wounds and even remove status ailments! His attacks are not very strong, but his Disk skill can cause moderate physical damage from long-range. As he levels up, he will learn more helpful skills to keep your party alive. Repeat tutorial?

>NO

 

Zadakh: Thank God. Most healers are so fragile they go down in one hit.

 

Zadakh Lv 8

>Attack

>>Muaka

40 damage!

 

Vhisola Lv 8

>Skills

>>Water Jet

>>>Muaka

45 damage!

 

Millennia Lv 8

>Skills

>>Disk

>>>Muaka

30 damage! Muaka defeated!

BATTLE WON! GET 175 WIDGETS, 40 EXP!

 

Vhisola: That was a lot weaker than the Muaka in Mangaia.

 

Zadakh: Some bosses get demoted to random encounters. They don’t always keep all their power.

 

 

Muaka: Well I hope you’re happy.

 

 

Zadakh: Wha?!

 

 

Muaka: After my demotion, I barely have enough money to support my family! What’s worse, my insurance won’t cover my injuries because they were caused by you, Mr. Main Character! You want to know why I’m so much weaker? I’m losing the will to go on!

 

 

The Muaka starts sobbing.

 

 

Vhisola: Um…isn’t this a little dark?

 

 

Zadakh: Only if you take it seriously.

 

 

The party sneaks past the Muaka while it’s crying. After more exploration, they make it to the Citadel and head inside. The stone walls are covered in grime, and there’s a faintly glowing pillar at the very center.

 

 

Text Box: SLIZER CITADEL

 

 

Millennia: The energy here is…unnatural. You say this powers the force field of Turaga Dume’s Coliseum?

 

 

Zadakh: Yeah. Busting all these citadels is the only way to get inside, so we can kick his butt and rescue Bordakh.

 

 

Vhisola: And Nokama…

 

 

Millennia: …Is she alright?

 

 

Zadakh: Just don’t make eye contact.

 

 

Millennia: Well…how do we deactivate it?

 

 

Vhisola: Uh, guys?

 

 

She points to a sign reading “A reminder to Citadel staff: the emergency shutoff switch is on Sublevel 3!”

 

 

Zadakh: Where is the staff anyway?

 

 

Vhisola points to another sign, this one reading “Enjoy your vacation, everyone!”

 

 

Zadakh: Well that’s convenient.

 

 

The party boards a nearby elevator. There is no button for Sublevel 3, so they head for Sublevel 2. When they exit the lift, they find a massive globe divided into seven sections at the center of the chamber. A balcony can be seen up above, upon which sits a giant cannon aimed at the ceiling.

 

 

Millennia: That door over there says Sublevel 3, but it’s locked. This must be the security system to open the entrance.

 

 

Zadakh: How do you know all that?

 

 

Millennia: Uh…just a guess?

 

 

He tucks away an index card while the Tutorial Box runs down a corridor.

 

 

Zadakh: Whatever. How do we crack it?

 

 

Millennia takes out his index card when Zadakh isn’t looking.

 

 

Millennia: The side corridors lead to switches that will rotate the globe. Once it is in the right position, go to Sublevel 1, aim the cannon, and then fire.

 

 

Vhisola: And how do we know what the right position is?

 

 

Millennia: Um…I don’t know.

 

 

Zadakh: I can feel the player going to Google it right now.

 

 

A half hour passes.

 

 

Zadakh: Okay, got it. We’ll be attacked by maintenance drones along the way, but they aren’t super-tough. Let’s go!

 

 

The party fights their way down an absurdly long corridor to find a switch. Upon examining it, the globe in the main chamber rotates slightly.

 

 

Vhisola: How can we see what’s going on in the main chamber when we’re so far away…?

 

 

Zadakh: Never mind that. To Sublevel 1!

 

 

The party backtracks to the elevator, goes to Sublevel 1, and fights their way down another absurdly long corridor to find the switch that lowers the cannon. After backtracking again they arrive at the cannon and examine the firing mechanism. A giant ball of fire shoots out of the cannon, destroying three of the seven sections of the globe.

 

 

Millennia: Such a destructive security system…

 

 

Zadakh: I know, isn’t it great?

 

 

The door to Sublevel 3 unlocks, so the party takes the elevator and approaches the door. A save point is inside.

 

 

Zadakh: Okay, boss time! I wonder who it’ll be?

 

 

After healing and saving, the party descends a staircase and arrives in a small chamber with a gigantic red lever.

 

 

Vhisola: It’s too easy.

 

 

???: Indeed.

 

 

A massive yellow and black Slizer steps out of the shadows.

 

 

???: I am Blaster, Guardian of the Emergency Shutoff Switch!

 

 

Zadakh: I thought the staff was on vacation?

 

 

Blaster: I’m a workaholic.

 

 

Millennia: Blaster! What are you doing here?

 

 

Zadakh: My backstory senses are tingling.

 

 

Blaster: Ah, Millennia, my brother. I see your training has finally paid off. You’ve met the mighty “Chosen One.”

 

 

Millennia: Blaster, why? Why have you sided with Dume?!

 

 

Blaster: I think it’s something about being valued since our parents chose you to receive the training instead of me…hold on, let me check the script.

 

 

Blaster pulls out a packet and starts flipping through pages.

 

 

Vhisola: Can’t we shut the power off while he’s not looking?

 

 

Vhisola tries to move but finds herself frozen in place.

 

 

Zadakh: That’s not in the cutscene. Just be patient.

 

 

Millennia: Blaster…you may be my brother, but it is my destiny to help the Chosen One. If you are my enemy…than I shall not hold back!

 

 

Zadakh: You’re a healer—you won’t even be attacking him.

 

 

Blaster: Come to your death, then!

 

 

BOSS BATTLE

 

Zadakh Lv 10

 

>Skills

 

>>Enforce Breaker

 

>>>Blaster

 

Critical hit--70 damage!

 

 

Vhisola Lv 9

 

>Skills

 

>>Super Wave

 

>>>Blaster

 

80 damage!

 

 

Millennia Lv 10

 

>Skills

 

>>Veil of Time

 

>>>All

 

The party’s defense increased!

 

 

Blaster: You think yourselves powerful? I am gifted with the Double-Throwing Arm of Slizer legend!

 

 

Blaster Skill: Disk Storm! Zadakh takes 40 damage! Vhisola takes 50 damage! Millennia takes 20 damage!

 

 

Zadakh

 

>Skills

 

>>Canyon Cleave

 

>>>Blaster

 

85 damage!

 

 

Vhisola

 

>Skills

 

>>Super Wave

 

>>>Blaster

 

90 damage!

 

 

Millennia

 

>Skills

 

>>Vaheal

 

>>>All

 

The party healed by 50 points!

 

 

Vhisola: “Vaheal”? That’s an awful pun.

 

 

Zadakh: Shh! Don’t insult the healer! They hold the lives of the entire party in their hands!

 

 

Vhisola: But you’d normally be the first one to—

 

 

Zadakh: Vhisola! Don’t. Insult. The healer!

 

 

Blaster: …If you’re quite done?

 

 

Blaster Skill: Disk Storm! Zadakh takes 40 damage! Vhisola takes 55 damage! Millennia takes 15 damage!

 

 

Zadakh: Anyway…you have a Weaken Kanoka equipped, right? Use a standard Attack this turn.

 

 

Zadakh

 

>Skills

 

>>Enforce Breaker

 

>>>Blaster

 

Critical hit--80 damage! Armor break!

 

 

Vhisola

 

>Attack

 

>>Blaster

 

20 damage! Armor break!

 

 

Millennia

 

>Skills

 

>>Vaheal

 

>>>All

 

The party healed by 50 points!

 

 

Blaster Skill: Disk Storm! Zadakh takes 50 damage! Vhisola takes 60 damage! Millennia takes 20 damage!

 

 

Zadakh

 

>Skills

 

>>Canyon Cleave

 

>>>Blaster

 

200 damage!

 

 

Vhisola: Huh…nice plan.

 

 

Millennia: Brother…please, stop this.

 

 

Blaster: Never! I have the Double-Throwing Arm! It should have been ME who received the training! I will show you how weak you are…let’s see your precious training defend you against my ultimate technique!

 

 

Zadakh: Oh, so he has something other than Disk Storm.

 

 

Blaster Skill: Meteor Disk! Zadakh takes 70 damage! Vhisola takes 100 damage! Millennia takes 40 damage!

 

 

Vhisola: What the…?! Why did he wait until we’d already put work into fighting him before unleashing a move that can devastate an unprepared party?!

 

 

Zadakh: You really have no idea what genre you’re in, do you?

 

 

Millennia: I’m sorry, brother. I offered you a chance, and you have refused it. Good bye.

 

 

Vhisola

 

>Skills

 

>>Super Wave

 

>>>Blaster

 

220 damage!

 

 

Millennia

 

>Skills

 

>>Disk

 

>>>Blaster

 

140 damage! Blaster defeated!

 

BOSS DEFEATED! GET 500 WIDGETS, 100 EXP!

 

ZADAKH LEVELLED UP!!

 

VHISOLA LEVELLED UP!!

 

MILLENNIA LEVELLED UP!!

 

 

Blaster clutches his chest and collapses on the ground.

 

 

Blaster: Gaaah…! How can…this be…? Dume…you said you would give me enough power to…urk!

 

 

Blaster stops moving. Millennia closes his eyes and turns his back.

 

 

Millennia: My family…my village…and now, even my brother have been taken from me…

 

 

Vhisola quietly tiptoes towards the lever and pulls it. The power goes off, and the Citadel ceases to glow.

 

 

Zadakh: Hey, Millennia—

 

 

DIALOGUE CHOICE: COME ON, LET’S GO/LISTEN…I’M SORRY.

 

 

Zadakh: …The heck kind of choice is that?

 

 

>LISTEN…I’M SORRY.

Edited April 12, 2014 by Pahrak #0579

[Neelh]

What even is the General Suva?

[Pahrak Model ZX]

It was a crack at soap operas, parodying General Hospital. Not my best joke.

[Makuta of Time]

Poor Mil, but that was funny with Brutaka on the phone.

[Radagast367]

 

Vhisola: What the…?! Why did he wait until we’d already put work into fighting him before unleashing a move that can devastate an unprepared party?!

I agree completely Very funny, keep up the good work!

[Pahrak Model ZX]

>LOAD GAME

>FILE 1

LOADING CHAPTER 6…

 

In the Coliseum cells, Bordakh walks up and kicks the bars.

 

Bordakh: This is ridiculous! You can’t keep us here forever!

 

Across the hall in another cell is a Toa of Water.

 

???: Actually, I think that’s his plan.

 

Bordakh: Shut up, Nokama! I’m not giving up!

 

The door to the prison opens loudly, and Dume walks in.

 

Dume: My, aren’t you making a ruckus.

 

Bordakh: Let me out of here you coward!

 

Dume: Nah, I don’t think so.

 

Nokama: Did you just come here to tell us that?

 

Dume: No, I just needed to clear out while the electrician installs some more lights in my office. Oh, and I heard someone’s been out foiling my plans, and I couldn’t help but think of that Vahki…the one who was arguing with me when I raided the city.

 

Bordakh: What, you mean Zadakh? He’s a pushover—there’s no way he’s actually trying to do anything.

 

Dume: Really? Cause that’s what they called him. Although they said he now looked more like a Toa than a Vahki…

 

Nokama: Wait…could it be? That sounds like the legends of the Chosen One!

 

Dume: …Chosen One…? Somehow that’s just vague enough to worry me.

 

Bordakh: Zadakh, of all people, is the Chosen One? That inspires so much confidence…

 

Dume: W-Well, um…they said he wasn’t working alone, and why would a Chosen One work with other people?

 

Nokama: The prophecy mentions that too.

 

Dume: Dang it.

 

Bordakh: He’s actually made friends? Now I know you’re not talking about Zadakh.

 

Dume: But I am! Let’s see, who were they? Something about a Slizer, and a Water Toa named Vhis-something or other?

 

Nokama’s eyes widen.

 

Nokama: Vhisola…?

 

Dume: Ooh, yes, that’s it!

 

Nokama shudders

 

Nokama: You know what, to Karzahni with the prophecies. Good luck taking them out!

 

Dume: Oh…thanks! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check the electrician’s progress.

 

Dume leaves. Bordakh stares at Nokama, who is shivering in fear.

 

Bordakh: And…why is it that you suddenly want Zadakh to get killed?

 

Nokama: I’d rather be trapped here than be rescued by Vhisola, especially if she’s a Toa now.

 

Bordakh: Is she that bad?

 

Nokama flashes through a montage of Vhisola stalking her.

 

Nokama: Yes, she’s that bad.

 

Bordakh: …Okay…well, if it is Zadakh, then maybe he’s changed. I bet he won’t rest on his journey!

 

Back in Slizer Country…

 

Zadakh: Side-quest complete! Huh, only took 3 hours out of our schedule. That’s not bad at all!

 

Vhisola: Remind me again why we’re wasting time with NPC requests rather than getting closer to freeing Nokama…

 

Zadakh: Time is weird in RPGs. No matter how much time we spend on side-quests, the actual plot events won’t advance until we want them to.

 

Millennia: Fascinating…I’ve been training with time for years, and even I wasn’t aware of that.

 

Zadakh: That’s because I’m not limited by the Fourth Wall.

 

Vhisola: But…

 

Zadakh: Come on, Nokama and Bordakh are fine, and now we’ve all got some snazzy new armor! I bet we won’t have to buy any until late in the game. Not to mention the surplus of Widgets and EXP—we can breeze through the next couple dungeons.

 

Vhisola: Fine…are we done now?

 

Zadakh: Yeah, we should get going. On to RoboRider World!

 

Vhisola: Can I just say that name sounds like a department store?

 

Zadakh: I was thinking pizza shop.

 

Millennia: What’s pizza?

 

Zadakh: …Nevermind.

 

The party returns to their Toa Canister and sails to RoboRider World. Upon arrival, they locate a highway that leads to what appears to be a rest stop where several RoboRiders have gathered.

 

RoboRider 1: Hey y’all, welcome to RoboRider World! Y’all don’t look like y’all are from around here.

 

Zadakh: Uh…no, we’re not.

 

RoboRider 2: Hey, maybe they’re the people that big fella was looking for?

 

RoboRider 1: Oh, good thinking! Y’all wouldn’t mind telling us yer names, would ya?

 

Zadakh: Something tells me we shouldn’t—

 

Millennia: This is Zadakh, the Chosen One. We are his companions—I am Millennia, and this is Vhisola.

 

RoboRider 2: Shoot, that’s them! Go get the big fella!

 

RoboRider 3 goes indoors.

 

Zadakh: …Gee, I wonder who it is…

 

RoboRider 3 returns with Brutaka in tow.

 

Zadakh: See, Millennia, the next time someone asks for our names, let’s not give them our names.

 

Millennia: …Agreed.

 

Brutaka: Oh, it’s you…do you think you could come back later? I was enjoying a delicious pie while I waited for you, and I’d like to finish it.

 

Vhisola: If we leave, we’re not coming back.

 

Brutaka: So…I have to choose between pie and silencing you?! Oh no…how am I to decide?

 

RoboRider 1: Wait, if he’s the Chosen One, then that means y’all are the good guys, right?

 

Zadakh: Yes.

 

RoboRider 2: And yer trying to silence them, big fella?

 

Brutaka: Yes.

 

RoboRider 2: So…that means yer a bad fella. Bad fellas don’t get pie!

 

RoboRider 3 goes inside to throw away the pie.

 

Brutaka: NOO!! Curse you, Chosen One—you have cost me my pie!

 

Zadakh: How is this my fault? Your big mouth is what got you in trouble. Again.

 

Vhisola: Do we really have to fight this guy again?

 

Zadakh: Yeah, looks like. But chances are we’ll be able to damage him this time.

 

Vhisola: Oh, good…so, this is the last time we’ll have to fight him?

 

Zadakh: Somehow I doubt it. I’m getting a Gilgamesh vibe…

 

Brutaka: Enough expository banter!

 

Zadakh: Yep, that’s the Gilgamesh vibe.

 

BOSS BATTLE

Zadakh Lv 20

>Skills

>>Canyon Cleave

>>>Brutaka

100 damage!

 

Vhisola Lv 19

>Skills

>>>Super Wave

>>>Brutaka

120 damage!

 

Millennia Lv 19

>Skills

>>Veil of Time

>>>All

The party’s defense rose!

 

Brutaka: A healer? No, I don’t think so.

 

Brutaka Skill: Banish

 

Brutaka uses his Olmak to open a gate around Millennia, sending him away from the field.

 

Zadakh: Wha?! That’s not fair!

 

Brutaka: It’s in the script! I only sent him to the shore—he’ll be back by the time the battle is over.

 

Vhisola: Still, without Millennia this is going to be more difficult.

 

Suddenly, RoboRider 3 launches onto the field and knocks the Olmak off Brutaka’s face.

 

RoboRider 3: Need a hand?

 

Zadakh: Wait, RoboRider 3 can speak? And doesn’t have the same dialect as the others?

 

RoboRider 3: The name’s Lava, actually. I’m all for getting into a fight!

 

LAVA JOINED THE PARTY!

 

LAVA TUTORIAL

 

Lava is all about dealing out heavy damage. His strength is high, just like Zadakh’s, but his attacks are much more accurate and much more likely to deliver a critical hit. Aside from his axes, Lava can deal long-range physical damage with his Wheel skill, and as he levels up he will learn several fire-elemental skills. Repeat tutorial?

>NO

 

Zadakh: Cool! Welcome aboard, Lava.

 

Zadakh

>Skills

>>Canyon Cleave

>>>Brutaka

95 damage!

 

Vhisola

>Skills

>>Super Wave

>>>Brutaka

110 damage!

 

Lava Lv 20

>Attack

>>Brutaka

Critical hit—190 damage!

 

Brutaka attacks Vhisola! 90 damage!

 

Zadakh

>Skills

>>Enforce Breaker

>>>Brutaka

130 damage! Armor break!

 

Vhisola

>Skills

>>Super Wave

>>>Brutaka

250 damage!

 

Lava

>Attack

>>Brutaka

Critical hit—300 damage!

 

Brutaka: Ouch! U-Um…well, it’s not like I can beat you on an empty stomach! But I’ll be back!

 

Brutaka grabs his mask and warps away.

 

BOSS DEFEATED! GET 500 WIDGETS, 150 EXP!

 

Millennia rejoins the group.

 

Millennia: My apologies—I shall not be caught off-guard again!

 

Zadakh: Meh, don’t worry about it. Lava here stepped up as a new party member!

 

PARTY TUTORIAL

 

Zadakh: Wait what

 

Tutorial Box: You will make many friends on your journey, but you can’t have them all in your party. Maximum party size is three. When you have more than three potential party members, you must choose which three will be in your active party through the Party menu. You can change your party at any time. Repeat tutorial?

>NO

 

Zadakh: Darn…well, a healer is essential, and I’m the main character, so—

 

Vhisola: No.

 

Zadakh: What?

 

Vhisola: We don’t need two strength-focused fighters. The party would be much more balanced if we had Millennia for healing, me for magic damage, and then either you or Lava for physical damage.

 

Zadakh: …It seems I have taught you well. Okay then! Sorry, Lava, but as the main character there’s no way the player would—

 

MENU

>PARTY

>>SELECT MEMBERS

>>>MILLENNIA

>>>VHISOLA

>>>LAVA

 

Zadakh: What?!

 

Lava: Oh HECK yes! No way was I gonna take a back seat when there’s battles to fight! Okay, so what exactly are we doing?

 

Vhisola: We’re looking for a Citadel.

 

Lava: Oh, I know the way. Come on—we’ll fight our way through the legions of Dark Riders on the way there!

 

Lava drives off, Vhisola and Millennia following.

 

Zadakh: Um…I’m coming too! I’m the main character, remember…?

 

Several minutes later, the highway dead-ends in front of the Citadel. Inside is another glowing pillar, but this one has a computer terminal in front of it.

 

Vhisola: Will this give us instructions?

 

Vhisola presses a button on the computer. A laser shoots out of the screen, converts the party to data, and pulls them in.

 

Millennia: We’re…inside the computer?!

 

Lava: Um…yeah? We do this all the time, here. RoboRiders originated in cyberspace, y’know.

 

Zadakh: I am disappointed by the lack of Tron lines. I look exactly the same as before!

 

Lava: …Anyway, whatever’s controlling this Citadel must be in here. Let’s hunt it down and delete it.

 

Zadakh: I think you mean “de-rez.”

 

Lava: …Sure.

 

Zadakh: Also Millennia should use his Disk more often.

 

Vhisola: We get it, this is one big Tron joke for you. How many other people do you think actually saw that movie?

 

The party fights its way through several waves of enemies, ultimately reaching a sealed door.

 

Text Box: This door shall open to he who wields the Racer’s Title.

 

A racetrack is nearby. Zadakh slowly turns to face Vhisola.

 

Vhisola: Yes, I get it. Light Cycles. Except it’s a RoboRider racetrack, without the light ribbons or whatever.

 

Zadakh: Oh it’s not that—although that’s definitely a nice reference. No, I’m just infuriated that winning a mini-game is a requirement for progressing through the story. This is an RPG, not a racing game! Why do I have to be good at both genres to finish the game? It’s a terrible decision on the part of the developers.

 

Vhisola: …Okay…so, the racetrack?

 

Over at the track, several RoboRiders can be seen racing. A leaderboard can be found next to the door.

 

Millennia: I’m guessing we need to beat the time of whoever is currently in first?

 

Lava: That would be Ages, that blue RoboRider there. He’s the fastest thing in the program!

 

Ages: Gotta go fast.

 

Zadakh: Okay, I get it. So, how do we play this stupid mini-game?

 

RACING TUTORIAL

 

Zadakh: Ugh…

 

Tutorial Box: You will be in control of Lava for this mini-game. Steer with the analog stick. Accelerate with Button 1. Brake with Button 2. Launch Fire Bolts with Button 3. Beat Ages to open the door! Repeat tutorial?

>NO

 

Zadakh: Okay, let’s get this over with.

 

One race later, the door opens.

 

Zadakh: Okay, now that we’re done with the obligatory mini-game, let’s—

 

Lava finds himself going another race.

 

Zadakh: …Oh no. The player has become addicted to the mini-game.

 

Lava goes racing again.

 

Vhisola: Is that a problem?

 

Zadakh: Sometimes the mini-games in RPGs really hook players, causing them to completely forget the main game. There’s no telling how long this could take.

 

Lava goes racing again.

 

Millennia: Oh no…

 

Vhisola: What a waste of time…

 

Zadakh: Well, reaching specific scores gives you special armor and weapons. Usually you can get some pretty good stuff off these mini-games. I guess it’s less frustrating when the mini-game is fun. Otherwise, you’re spending hours on some ridiculous task that makes you rip your hair out if you want to get some of the game’s best stuff.

 

Lava goes racing again.

 

Zadakh: If the player gets it right, we could end up with some super-awesome equipment before even taking on the second Citadel boss!

 

Four hours pass. Lava manages to win some decent equipment, but none of the top-ranking prizes.

 

Vhisola: Oh thank God, he’s finally giving up.

 

Lava: My wheels are killing me…

 

The party goes through the door and uses the Save Point inside. Down another staircase is a chamber with a massive, shadowy glob at the center.

 

Millennia: What is that thing? Its energy is so…

 

Millennia shivers.

 

Lava: Is that…the Virus?

 

???: So…you remember me.

 

Two burning white eyes appear on the glob.

 

Virus: I am the Virus. I once ruled this land, until I was defeated by its greatest warriors. But Dume revived me, and now I am in control of the Citadel System!

 

Vhisola: So, this is a big deal, huh?

 

Lava: You have no idea…I get to fight the Virus!! Come on, battle start! Battle start!

 

BOSS BATTLE

Millennia Lv 24

>Skills

>>Veil of Time

>>>All

The party’s defense has been raised!

 

Vhisola Lv 24

>Skills

>>Super Wave

>>>Virus

130 damage!

 

Lava Lv 24

>Attack

>>Virus

90 damage!

 

Virus Skill: Tendril Slash on Vhisola! 70 damage!

 

Zadakh: So…I guess I’ll just watch.

 

Vhisola

>Attack

>>Virus

30 damage! Virus is frozen!

 

Millennia

>Skills

>>Vaheal

>>>Vhisola

Vhisola regained 100 HP!

 

Lava

>Attack

>>Virus

Ice broken! Critical hit—320 damage!

 

Virus Skill: Data Quake! Vhisola takes 109 damage! Millennia takes 87 damage! Lava takes 94 damage!

 

Zadakh: Oh, nice combo. I could’ve helped…

 

Vhisola

>Skills

>>Super Wave

>>>Virus

132 damage!

 

Millennia

>Skills

>>Vaheal

>>>All

 

Lava

>Attack

>>Virus

Critical hit—200 damage!

 

Virus Skill: Summon Tendrils

 

Four clawed tendrils pop out of the ground.

 

Zadakh: Oh, it’s one of those bosses. I would recommend—

 

Vhisola: Zadakh, we’ve got this! Just be quiet!

 

Millennia

>Skills

>>Disk

>>>Virus

70 damage!

 

Vhisola

>Skills

>>Super Wave

>>>All

Tendril 1 takes 140 damage! Tendril 2 takes 140 damage! Tendril 3 takes 140 damage! Tendril 4 takes 140 damage! Virus takes 100 damage!

 

Lava

>Skills

>>Wheel

>>>Virus

Critical hit—300 damage! Virus defeated!

 

Tendril 1 attacks Vhisola! 50 damage!

Tendril 2 attacks Millennia! 20 damage!

Tendril 3 attacks Lava! 40 damage!

Tendril 4 attacks Lava! 35 damage!

 

Millennia

>Skills

>>Disk

>>>Tendril 1

50 damage! Tendril 1 defeated!

 

Vhisola

>Skills

>>Super Wave

>>>All

Tendril 2 takes 120 damage! Tendril 2 defeated! Tendril 3 takes 119 damage! Tendril 3 defeated! Tendril 4 takes 124 damage! Tendril 4 defeated!

BOSS DEFEATED! GET 550 WIDGETS, 200 EXP!

ZADKAH LEVELLED UP!

VHISOLA LEVELLED UP!

MILLENNIA LEVELLED UP!

LAVA LEVELLED UP!

 

Zadakh: Good, I still get EXP when not in the active party. Looks like the developers did something right.

 

Virus: No…I have been defeated again…this…does not…compute!!

 

The Virus fades away, revealing a giant red button.

 

Millennia: Whew…the battle is over.

 

Zadakh: I think you mean…

 

Zadakh puts on glowing blue sunglasses.

 

Zadakh: End of line.

 

Vhisola: Nobody. Saw. Tron.

 

Zadakh: …Fine. But hey, that was an easy battle, right? The side-quests were worth it!

 

Vhisola: Save it. Go hit the button.

 

Grumbling, Zadakh walks over to the button and hits it. The party is teleported back outside the Citadel, which is no longer glowing.

 

Lava: So who are we going to destroy next?

 

Zadakh: The next Citadel is back in Bionicle Land. We’d better get go—

 

The party heads back into the Citadel computer, heading straight for the racetrack.

 

Zadakh: Oh come on! Haven’t you had enough?!

PAUSE

 

Edited April 12, 2014 by Pahrak #0579

[Makuta of Time]

I watched Tron, and those jokes made me laugh.

[Neelh]

I didn't see Tron. Is it good?

[Pahrak Model ZX]

I found the original hard to follow. Legacy wasn't bad. To be honest, the only reason I care is because it's in Kingdom Hearts.

[25K Now!]

Don't most traditional RPGs have a maximum party size of four?

[Neelh]

But didn't the game creators mess everything else up as well?

[Pahrak Model ZX]

Depends on the RPG. 4 is common, but 3 is also used frequently.

[Pahrak Model ZX]

>LOAD GAME

 

>FILE 1

 

LOADING CHAPTER 7…

 

After many hours of racing, the party finally heads back to the Toa Canister.

 

Zadakh: I thought he’d never quit…how are you holding up, Lava?

 

Lava: Need…oil change…

 

Zadakh: We can do that in the Canister. It’s a long trip back to Bionicle Land.

 

Vhisola: That name sounds like an amusement park.

 

Zadakh: An awesome amusement park.

 

After several minutes of sailing, the party arrives in Bionicle Land.

 

Millennia: So, where is the Citadel?

 

Zadakh: Um…I don’t know. I never noticed anything like that when we were here the first time, and the map isn’t detailed enough to show us where it might be.

 

Vhisola: Is the player going to Google it?

 

Zadakh: Actually, the strategy guide is finally in-stock, so he bought a copy and is now reading it.

 

One hour passes.

 

Vhisola: This is taking even longer than Googling!

 

Zadakh: There’s a lot of stuff to cover in RPG strategy guides. Well, the good ones, anyway.

 

Lava: Can we just go fight something? I’m getting bored.

 

Zadakh: Actually, while we have time, we should probably address your backstory. The three of us at least have something, but you just kinda popped up.

 

Lava: My backstory? Nothing special happened—I’ve led a pretty normal life.

 

Zadakh: That’s no good. RPG backstories need trauma that you can angst over!

 

Millennia: Zadakh, we can’t just change his—

 

Zadakh: Sure we can! It’s called a headcanon.

 

Vhisola: Right. You work on that. Speaking of party members, we’ve been getting a new one each continent. Are we going to get a new one now that we’re back in Bionicle Land?

 

Zadakh: Not in this version.

 

Vhisola: Version?

 

Zadakh: Yeah, this is the normal version. There’s also an enhanced remake, Super Epic Mega Vahki Quest: Uber Ultra Deep Fried Edition. Everything is the same, but way better, and it’s only available in Japan.

 

Vhisola: Only in Japan? So fans elsewhere have to sit through this mediocre version?

 

Zadakh: Yeah, Japan likes to remind us that they own video games.

 

Lava: Don’t people all over the world own video games?

 

Zadakh: No, what I mean is that Japan owns the concept of video games. Every time you even say ‘video games,’ Japan gets royalties.

 

Millennia: Well that doesn’t seem fair.

 

Zadakh: It’s kind of fair.

 

The party begins walking again. After fighting their way down the entire length of the continent, they arrive at a Citadel.

 

Vhisola: Couldn’t we have just landed the Toa Canister down here?

 

Zadakh: There are mountains blocking access from this edge of the continent.

 

Vhisola: But, Toa Canisters can turn intangible to—

 

Zadakh: Mountains. Blocking access.

 

Vhisola: …Couldn’t we just climb the—

 

Zadakh: Mountains. Block. Access.

 

Vhisola: You have stone powers, you could just destroy the mountains with—

 

Zadakh: MOUNTAINS!!

 

Lava: Hey, I just realized—if Brutaka’s the recurring boss, shouldn’t we have run into him by now?

 

Zadakh: He’s not in this chapter, actually.

 

Millennia: I wonder why that is…

 

Back at the Coliseum…

 

Dume: Brutaka, are you done with the laundry yet?

 

Brutaka: Not yet, sir. Do you think I could finish it later? I want to go fulfill my role as the boss who shows up in every chapter.

 

Dume: The laundry is more important!

 

Brutaka: Yes, sir…

 

Back at the Citadel, Zadakh pulls out a whiteboard.

 

Zadakh: Okay, here’s the layout of the Citadel.

 

Vhisola: Where did you get that whiteboard?

 

Zadakh: Science.

 

Vhisola: That doesn’t—

 

Zadakh: As you can see, there are eight floors to the tower. In each one, we have to track down a Krana and then use it to unlock the door to the next level. When we get to the roof, we’re gonna fight a boss, and then the dungeon will be clear.

 

Lava: Seems simple enough. Do we get to smash Bohrok along the way?

 

Zadakh: Yep, usually about 0579 in each run.

 

Vhisola: The 0 is unnecessary.

 

Zadakh: It’s very necessary.

 

Millennia: Strange…doesn’t the Tutorial Box usually tell us these things?

 

Zadakh stops to think for a moment. He then rips off part of the whiteboard, revealing the Tutorial Box.

 

Zadakh: Disguising yourself as a whiteboard? This is a new low.

 

Tutorial Box: And I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling Slizer!

 

Zadakh punches the Tutorial Box, sending it through the wall of the Citadel and off into the sky.

 

Lava: I get the feeling I’m missing something, but I’m cool with the violence.

 

The party destroys a bunch of Bohrok, makes a Boxor, finds the Krana, and eventually makes it to the roof.

 

Millennia: Legend has it that the Bohrok are controlled by twin dragons known as the Bahrag. I would expect them to be our opponents.

 

With a fierce roar, the Kardas Dragon flies up from behind the tower.

 

Millennia: …I could be wrong.

 

Vhisola: Why is the Kardas Dragon at the end of the Krana dungeon?

 

Zadakh: Because the Kardas Dragon is cool.

 

Vhisola: But it doesn’t have anything to do with—

 

Zadakh: Rule of Cool, Vhisola.

 

The Kardas Dragon rears back and exhales fireworks while an electric guitar-player on a flying motorcycle rides down its back and does three mid-air flips before exploding.

 

Zadakh: Rule of Cool. Well, none of my attacks can hit a foe flying over open air, so good luck!

 

BOSS BATTLE

 

Millennia Lv 33

 

>Skills

 

>>Veil of Time

 

>>>All

 

The party’s defense has been raised!

 

Vhisola Lv 32

 

>Skills

 

>>Super Wave

 

>>>Kardas

 

200 damage!

 

Lava Lv 33

 

>Skills

 

>>Wheel

 

>>>Kardas

 

Critical hit—400 damage!

 

Kardas Skill: Concussive Breath! Vhisola takes 130 damage! Millennia takes 90 damage! Lava takes 110 damage!

 

Millennia

 

>Skills

 

>>Training Accelerate

 

>>>All

 

The party’s strength has been raised!

 

Vhisola

 

>Attack

 

>>Kardas

 

70 damage! Kardas is weakened!

 

Lava

 

>Skills

 

>>Wheel

 

>>>Kardas

 

Critical hit—500 damage!

 

Kardas Skill: Jaws of Death on Vhisola! Vhisola takes 200 damage! Vhisola passes out!

 

Zadakh: Man, that thing has a lot of HP.

 

Millennia: Vhisola is down!

 

Zadakh: Yeah, but that happens all the time. You can just heal her, right?

 

Millennia: I do have a revival skill, but it will only restore a small amount of health. I will need to wait until next turn to heal her properly.

 

Lava: So, your healing spell won’t work on her when her HP is at 0? That’s lame.

 

Zadakh: It’s not his fault, that’s just the way these things work. But let’s be honest: we don’t really need Vhisola to win this. Millennia, you should focus on keeping yourself and Lava healthy, and Lava can take Kardas down.

 

Lava: Can’t you just take her place?

 

Zadakh: Not a chance.

 

Lava: But you’re right—

 

Zadakh: Nope, I’m not in the active party. Good luck.

 

Millennia: So…what about Vhisola?

 

Zadakh: We’ll wake her up when this is over.

 

Millennia: Well…alright…

 

Millennia

 

>Skills

 

>>Timeline Compress

 

>>>All

 

The party’s magic has been raised!

 

Lava

 

>Skills

 

>>Wheel

 

>>>Kardas

 

257 damage!

 

Kardas Skill: Concussive Breath! Millennia takes 100 damage! Lava takes 124 damage!

 

Millennia

 

>Skills

 

>>Vaheal

 

>>>All

 

The party’s health has been restored!

 

Lava

 

>Skills

 

>>Wheel

 

>>>Kardas

 

Critical hit—520 damage!

 

Zadakh: *Yawns* This is gonna be a long, boring fight, isn’t it…

 

Kardas suddenly roars and grabs Millennia and Lava in its claws.

 

Zadakh: What.

 

The Tutorial Box falls out of the sky and crash lands next to Zadakh. It slowly gets up, bruised and battered, and turns to Zadakh.

 

Tutorial Box: Press the following buttons to save your party members!

 

Zadakh: Oh gosh, it’s one of these…

 

The Tutorial Box begins spouting buttons and joystick movements. As the player executes these commands, Zadakh draws his sword, runs to the edge of the roof, and leaps directly at Kardas. A strike to the chest makes it drop Lava and Millennia, who land safely as Zadakh flips onto Kardas’s arm and attacks it again. Kardas snaps at him, but he slashes the dragon’s face, leaps into the air, and then brings his sword down on its head.

 

BOSS DEFEATED! GET 700 WIDGETS, 300 EXP!

 

ZADKAH LEVELLED UP!

 

MILLENNIA LEVELLED UP!

 

LAVA LEVELLED UP!

 

Millennia: Thank you for saving us, Zadakh.

 

Vhisola: Yeah, thanks a lot.

 

Zadakh: I thought you were unconscious?

 

Vhisola: I’m back on my feet for the cutscene.

 

Kardas sways a bit before its wings give out. It crashes into the roof. The scene cuts to show a full view of the Citadel as it crumbles beneath the weight of the monster, leaving a pile of rubble. The party is then shown standing next to said pile of rubble.

 

Lava: Boy, that sure was a daring escape!

 

Zadakh: Tell me about it! I thought we were goners for sure.

 

Vhisola: Okay, cutscene over.

 

Vhisola collapses instantly.

 

MENU

 

>ITEMS

 

>>IGNIKA FRAGMENT

 

>>>VHISOLA

 

VHISOLA HAS BEEN REVIVED!

 

>>AMANA VOLO SPHERE

 

>>>VHISOLA

 

VHISOLA’S HP HAS BEEN RESTORED!

 

Vhisola: Okay…in the interest of moving the plot along, I’m not going to kill you for just leaving me at 0 HP. New topic: weren’t there still a few treasure chests in the Citadel that we missed?

 

Zadakh: Yeah.

 

Vhisola: But…the Citadel is destroyed.

 

Zadakh: Yeah.

 

Vhisola: …So what, we can’t get those chests anymore?

 

Zadakh: Nope.

 

Vhisola: Does this kind of thing happen a lot in RPGs?

 

Zadakh: All the time. Although there is a way you can still open them in Uber Ultra Deep Fried Edition.

 

Vhisola: Of course there is. Let’s just go. It’s a long walk back to the canister, and then we’ve gotta head to Hero Factory District.

 

Zadakh: Oh, let’s try this out on the way!

 

Zadakh holds up what appears to be a hand-sized, balled-up Bohrok.

 

Lava: What the heck is that?

 

Zadakh: Apparently it’s called a Bahrag Beacon. We got it when we defeated Kardas. The description says you can use it in battle to summon a swarm of Bohrok to aid you!

 

Millennia: Fascinating…let us test it out, then!

 

The party heads back to the canister. Before long, they enter a battle.

 

Zadakh Lv 35

 

>Items

 

>>Bahrag Beacon

 

Zadakh throws the beacon into the air, where it hovers and radiates light. A swarm of Bohrok climb out of the ground…and completely ignore the enemies, instead running off to start clearing the landscape.

 

Vhisola: …You have got to be kidding…

 

Zadakh: Well, I guess it is what they’re programmed to do…

 

Lava: Let’s just finish the battle.

 

Zadakh: We can’t.

 

Lava: Why not?

 

Zadakh: We can’t move until the animation for the Bohrok stops playing.

 

Lava: What?! But that could take forever!

 

Zadakh: You think you’re frustrated, imagine how the player feels.

 

Eventually, the Bohrok disappear, allowing the party to finish the battle, agree never to use the Bahrag Beacon again, and continue back to the canister. As they depart, Brutaka arrives at the ruins of the Citadel.

 

Brutaka: This wouldn’t have happened if just had a dry cleaner at the Coliseum…

 

PAUSE

 

Edited April 12, 2014 by Pahrak #0579

[25K Now!]

Zadakh: Yeah, this is the normal version. There’s also an enhanced remake, Super Epic Mega Vahki Quest: Uber Ultra Deep Fried Edition. Everything is the same, but way better, and it’s only available in Japan.

 

I understand your pain.

 

Because the west cannot get the special edition of SMT III, with Raidou Kuzunoha.

[Radagast367]

deep fried edition? How do you... never mind... good stuff, keep it up.

[Van Hohenheim]

>Kardas Dragons are cool

 

was that an intentional Dr. Who reference?

[25K Now!]

Not all "things are cool" can be taken as DW references.

[Pahrak Model ZX]

It wasn't originally intended to be a Doctor Who reference, but I'm cool with that.

[Pahrak Model ZX]

>LOAD GAME

>FILE 1

LOADING CHAPTER 8…

Zadakh: Well, here we—

 

Vhisola: Whoa.

 

Zadakh: What?

 

Vhisola: It’s been a long time since the last chapter. Like…a really, really long time.

 

Zadakh: Well, sometimes players will get caught up in other things and not feel like getting back to the game for a while.

 

Vhisola: Are you saying that, rather than the author being lazy, this extremely long wait was actually a planned-out joke?

 

Zadakh: That sounds believable, right?

 

Vhisola: And if the player has been away from the game for so long, do they still remember how to play well?

 

Zadakh: Oh, I’m sure we’ll be fine.

 

The party takes a few steps forward and enters a battle. They die in seconds.

 

>CONTINUE

Zadakh: Well, here we—wow, déjà vu…anyway, here we are, the Hero Factory District! Such a futuristic, imposing city it is!

 

Millennia: Indeed. But with all these skyscrapers, it will be most difficult to find the Citadel.

 

Another Toa Canister lands nearby. Brutaka gets out, completely unaware of the party standing a few feet away.

 

Brutaka: Good, I made it. I must hurry to the Citadel to guard it before the Chosen One arrives!

 

Zadakh: How convenient!

 

Lava: Can’t we just beat him up?

 

Zadakh: No, we need to follow him. And I’ve got just the thing!

 

As Brutaka makes his way through the District, the heroes follow him while hiding inside a cardboard box.

 

Vhisola: This joke is overused. And how do we all fit in here, anyway?

 

Zadakh: Math.

 

Vhisola: But—

 

Brutaka laughs as he comes up to the Citadel. However, a robot with lime green armor stands in front of it, wielding two bladed Tonfa in her hands.

 

???: Hero or villain?

 

Brutaka: What? Uh…villain.

 

The screen shatters and a battle between Brutaka and the robot begins.

 

Brutaka: Wait, what’s going on?

 

BREEZ TUTORIAL

 

Brutaka: Ah! Who are you?!

 

Tutorial Box: This is Breez. Breez will join your party in just a moment. Breez is awesome. Breez has high strength, but also extremely high agility. While dealing incredibly high amounts of damage, Breez will evade many enemy attacks. Breez also learns several wind-based skills to deal magical damage. Repeat tutorial?

 

>NO

Breez Lv 40
>Attack
>>Brutaka
300 damage!

 

Brutaka attacks Breez! Miss!

 

Breez
>Attack
>>Brutaka
Critical hit—700 damage!

 

Brutaka: Wait, is the only reason I’m here for this new character to defeat me and get her power established?

 

Breez: Correct.

 

Brutaka: I don’t know what hurts worse: the physical pain, or how lazy that writing is.

 

Brutaka attacks Breez! Miss!

 

Breez
>Attack
>>Brutaka
324 damage! Brutaka defeated!

 

BOSS DEFEATED! GET 700 WIDGETS, 250 EXP!

 

Brutaka retreats, and the party steps out from under the box.

 

Zadakh: Main character.

 

Breez: Obviously.

 

BREEZ JOINED THE PARTY

 

Breez: The Citadel has a lock and switch puzzle. Two parties are required—the healer should go with in the same party as the mage. One party advances to a wall, hits a switch to open the way for the other party, and then that party advances to a wall to flip a switch to open the way for the first party, and so on and so forth. After seventeen switches we’ll meet back up.

 

Millennia: Your knowledge is impressive.

 

Vhisola: She’s even more genre-savvy than you, Zadakh.

 

Zadakh: Well…I’m still the main character! So, I say we follow Breez’s recommendations! Lava, you’re with me.

 

The party splits up and makes their way through the Citadel. Zadakh and Lava just go around smashing everything, while Vhisola, Millennia, and Breez take a more strategic approach.

 

Vhisola: Hey Breez, I’ve noticed that even though we’re in separate parties, we both still have access to all the items we’ve accumulated.

 

Breez: Both parties’ item bags lead to the same pocket dimension.

 

Vhisola: Ah, I see. Also…

 

As the party goes on, Vhisola asks a bunch of questions and Breez ends up explaining the mysteries of how RPGs work. When the two parties reunite, Vhisola stares blankly ahead.

 

Vhisola: I understand everything now…

 

Zadakh: Uh…okay? Well, we have to stick to a three member party limit now, so who’s—

 

MENU
>PARTY
>>SELECT MEMBERS
>>>BREEZ
>>>VHISOLA
>>>MILLENNIA

 

Lava: What? I don’t get to kill anything else?!

 

Zadakh: Welcome to the club, my friend.

 

The party heads into a room with a save point, then takes an elevator up to the top floor. When they step out, they find a dark room with glowing stasis tubes lining the walls.

 

???: At last you arrive…

 

A black hole opens up and Von Nebula steps out.

 

Von Nebula: I am Von Nebula, the—

 

The screen shatters.

 

Von Nebula: Wait, I didn’t get a chance to—

 

Breez Lv 52
>Attack
>>Von Nebula
570 damage!

Vhisola Lv 51
>Skills
>>Silver Typhoon
>>>Von Nebula
1295 damage!

Millennia Lv 52
>Skills
>>Veil of Time
>>>All
The party’s defense has been raised!

 

Von Nebula: As I was saying, I am—

 

Breez: Once a hero, fell to the dark side, now serving Dume while secretly plotting to overthrow him.

 

Von Nebula: …How did…argh, you spoiler my entire backstory! For this, you will pay!

 

Von Nebula Skill: Unleash Army

 

The stasis tubes open to reveal several creatures with Brains attached to their heads.

 

Von Nebula: These are creatures of my own creation, designed with enough raw power to—

 

Breez
>Skills
>>Fujita Ripple
>>>All
Pyrox takes 342 damage!
Bruizer takes 401 damage!
Frost Beat takes 392 damage!

Millennia
>Skills
>>Training Accelerate
>>>All
The party’s strength increased!

Vhisola
>Skills
>>Super Wave
>>>All
Pyrox takes 1300 damage! Pyrox defeated!
Bruizer takes 900 damage! Bruizer defeated!
Frost Beast takes 731 damage! Frost Beast defeated!

 

Von Nebula: …Dang it!

 

Zadakh: Lava, what are you doing?

 

Lava: I’m going to go smash those stasis chambers that still have creatures in them.

 

Zadakh: I don’t think we’re allowed to—

 

Lava: I MUST BATTLE!

 

Lava begins attacking stasis tubes and slaying Brain creatures. Zadakh sighs and watches the boss battle.

 

Von Nebula Skill: Gravity Crush! Breez dodges! Vhisola takes 800 damage! Millennia takes 400 damage!

 

Breez
>Attack
>>Von Nebula
Critical hit—2034 damage!

Millennia
>Skills
>>Vaheal
>>>All
The party’s health was restored!

Vhisola
>Skills
>>Siler Typhoon
>>>Von Nebula
1300 damage! Von Nebula defeated!

 

BOSS DEFEATED! GET 1000 WIDGETS, 700 EXP!
ZADAKH LEVELLED UP!
VHISOLA LEVELLED UP!
MILLENNIA LEVELLED UP!
LAVA LEVELLED UP!
BREEZ LEVELLED UP!

 

Von Nebula: That…that wasn’t even fair! You’re using cheat codes, aren’t you?

 

Breez: Cheat codes for this game don’t exist outside of external cheat software, which is not being employed.

 

Von Nebula: Liar! There’s no way anyone could defeat me without cheating! I’m reporting you for digital piracy!

 

Von Nebula takes out a cell phone, but Breez knocks it out of his hand with a Tonfa.

 

Von Nebula: Ow! Fine, forget you people! I’m going home!

 

Von Nebula creates another black hole and leaves. Breez flips a switch on the wall, deactivating the Citadel.

 

Zadakh: What an annoying character. Kind of surprised he wasn’t killed like the other bosses…

 

Breez: Hero Factory District has a “G-Rated Field” projected over it that severely reduces any and all forms of violence. Nobody ever dies here.

 

Millennia: But if the population keeps increasing, won’t that eventually cause some space issues?

 

Breez: That’s also been averted by the G-Rated Field. It’s an interesting paradox that bends reality and—

 

Lava: Can we go kill some more stuff? All these Brain creatures are dead.

 

Vhisola: That’s right—this was the last Citadel! We can go rescue Nokama now…

 

Zadakh: Hm, this would be a good time to wrap up any remaining side-quests, but considering how long it took us to get this chapter up we should probably just move on to the final battle.

 

Breez: The remaining side-quests are not worth our time at this point, barring post-game material which, of course, will not be unlocked until we defeat the final boss.

 

Zadakh: I see. Okay, then. Let’s head back to Bionicle Land and storm the Coliseum!

 

Back at the Coliseum, the energy barrier disappears. Dume stands in his office, which is now very brightly lit, and gazes at the monitor.

 

Dume: I can hear it beeping, but every time I open my eyes they burn. Those electricians put in too many lights! I’ll just have to find my way out to my Back-Up Office…

 

Dume stumbles across the room and trips once again.

 

Dume: I don’t have time for this—I need to prepare for the final boss battle! Now where did I put that thing I’ll refer to only vaguely…

 

>PAUSE