Jump to content

  • Log in with Facebook Log in with Twitter Log In with Google      Sign In   
  • Create Account

Welcome to BZPower!

Hi there, while we hope you enjoy browsing through the site, there's a lot more you can do if you register. Some perks of joining include:
  • Create your own topics, participate in existing discussions, and vote in polls
  • Show off your creations, stories, art, music, and movies
  • Enter contests to win free LEGO sets and other prizes
  • Participate in raffles to win LEGO prizes
  • Organize with other members to attend or send your MOCs to LEGO fan events all over the world
  • Much, much more!
Enjoy your visit!


Tale of a Traitor (review)

review tale traitor

  • Please log in to reply
1 reply to this topic

#1 Offline Clue: The Traitor

Clue: The Traitor
  • Members
  • Tohunga

  • 23-March 13
  • 31 posts

Posted Apr 30 2013 - 10:19 PM

Well this is the review topic for Tale of a Traitor.

Edited by Clue: The Traitor, Apr 30 2013 - 10:21 PM.

  • 0

clue.png The one who hunts your soul.             


#2 Offline ARMS

  • Premier Member
  • Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
  • Exo-Armored Toa

  • 31-January 10
  • 752 posts
  •   Outstanding BZPower Citizen

Posted May 04 2013 - 11:22 AM

Hello, Clue, I am going to be reviewing your first chapter in this epic here in a few minutes, but first I want to say a few things. When I review, you won't be getting a number value or just a list of grammar mistakes, but instead something a little different. I try to spice it up a bit by focusing on a couple of different things, your grammar as it relates to the reader, and your storytelling. Grammar as it relates to the reader means that I will only mention any grammar mistakes that ruin the experience for me, as a reader. Storytelling is pretty self-explanatory.


Your grammar was fairly good, there were a couple of places that brought me out of your story pretty badly. The first one was when Triglax lets Clue go, and he says "Your'e excused" when it should be "You're". Another one was your repeated saying of your eyes "Narrowed down", which doesn't roll off of the tongue very well. A better phrase would just be "My eyes narrowed at...", but make sure to shake it up with some different phrases throughout as well. When TSO talks about Terrorist he says that he is one of the "Most greatest," which is like a double negative, in my mind. I would replace it with just "greatest," or something similar to that. When TSO says "Not only he will be your partner but he will also be your mentor.", you should switch up the two bolded words so it has a consistent tone.


As for storytelling, you certainly have something strange going on. Some crazed Skakdi, Clue being tied to Lariska for some reason, and a mysterious mission? Sounds like a recipe for some fun, to me. I am interested to see where you go, why Clue eventually becomes a traitor, and to be honest I am really curious on what Lariska did to get Clue into the Dark Hunters. I really think you should continue this, as I would do my best to try and keep up with it.


So, basically, you have some funky grammar, but nothing hard to fix, and a couple of furtive plotlines that could be very interesting to see play out. Good job!

  • 0

0 user(s) are browsing this forum

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users