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Bionicle: Year One Reviews


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9 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Scrash

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Posted Apr 30 2013 - 10:45 PM

Did you have a thought on this fanfic that you'd like to type out? This would appear to be the place to do that sort of thing.Here's the topic in case that's still how the rules work
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#2 Online Protalgift

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Posted May 01 2013 - 09:52 AM

Welp, I just wrote out a review and accidentally closed the window. -.-

Let's try this again.

 

This project may not be the most unusual, but you certainty did great on it so far. You captured the perfect balance between mystery and the desperation of 2001, and I am looking forward to the rest of the story immensely. But, since this is a review, I will touch on two subjects. One, your grammar, and two, the storytelling.

 

I saw no problems with your grammar, and I made it all the way through the story without a hitch. You had me pulled it right away, and your grammar never got in the way, which is the biggest problem for fanfics, in my opinion. I also saw no problems with your style of writing, and in fact I loved the small text. It gave a feeling of tone infliction, but without breaking up the dialogue and pulling the reading out of what your characters are saying. It also gave a welcome tone to the narrative as a whole, giving you a specific writing voice in a world full of similar sounding fanfics. Which is something I struggle with immensely.

The second part I wanted to talk about was the storytelling. I am loving the way this story is going, because it isn't normal. Most "Year One" projects I have read tend to take a super-gritty approach to the story, but you tend to stay away from that. Is it darker then the canon story? Yes, but it already shows much of the lighter side of the story already. Due mostly to the small text, honestly. I liked the tension between Vakama and Jaller, as it seemed very fitting and it made so much sense. I also loved how every one of the Matoran already has more of a personality then they did in the canon story. Plus, you had Tiribomba in the story. Tiribomba!

 

This is certainty a well put together project, and I will certainly be tuning in every week. That is how you are doing it, right? Like a TV show? =P


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#3 Offline Athmos

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Posted May 01 2013 - 02:22 PM

That was pretty legit.I agree with Portalfig, your writing and grammar were no problem whatsoever and had me instantly attached to reading it.Tahu's personality is a little different then canon, but I think it works. I also love the fact that you're touching the whole high-tech part of Bionicle with the canister.I'll be "tuning" in next time as well. :P
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#4 Offline Scrash

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Posted May 01 2013 - 05:40 PM

Wow, firstly, thank you guys! I thought the length might put some people off, and it might've, but yeah wow.

Welp, I just wrote out a review and accidentally closed the window. -.-Let's try this again. This project may not be the most unusual, but you certainty did great on it so far. You captured the perfect balance between mystery and the desperation of 2001, and I am looking forward to the rest of the story immensely. But, since this is a review, I will touch on two subjects. One, your grammar, and two, the storytelling. I saw no problems with your grammar, and I made it all the way through the story without a hitch. You had me pulled it right away, and your grammar never got in the way, which is the biggest problem for fanfics, in my opinion. I also saw no problems with your style of writing, and in fact I loved the small text. It gave a feeling of tone infliction, but without breaking up the dialogue and pulling the reading out of what your characters are saying. It also gave a welcome tone to the narrative as a whole, giving you a specific writing voice in a world full of similar sounding fanfics. Which is something I struggle with immensely. The second part I wanted to talk about was the storytelling. I am loving the way this story is going, because it isn't normal. Most "Year One" projects I have read tend to take a super-gritty approach to the story, but you tend to stay away from that. Is it darker then the canon story? Yes, but it already shows much of the lighter side of the story already. Due mostly to the small text, honestly. I liked the tension between Vakama and Jaller, as it seemed very fitting and it made so much sense. I also loved how every one of the Matoran already has more of a personality then they did in the canon story. Plus, you had Tiribomba in the story. Tiribomba! This is certainty a well put together project, and I will certainly be tuning in every week. That is how you are doing it, right? Like a TV show? =P

I did definitely want to capture some of the familiar feel of the old story, but I'm really glad you like what I decided to change. I think one of the things I wanted this to be, and hopefully it'll show more in future chapters, is that this isn't so much abbout the mask hunt (which, again, I'm doing away with) and less about the villain as it is about the heroes. Because heroes have conflicts! And they can be interesting, and I think the old story left a lot of those potential conflicts and character moments untouched. So hopefully I'm able to make this a more character-driven story than a plot-driven one.The smalltext came from me basically having no idea how to convey and "under the breath" sentence without, as you said, breaking up the dialogue. Some comics just have "mumbled" text smaller than the rest and I thought it worked wonderfully there, so I why not give it a shot here. I'm glad that not only you knew what it was supposed to mean, but that you actually liked it!As for more Matoran showing more personality, I think that comes from the old game where you played as Takua and ran around Mata Nui. This is "their" island and so that also makes it their story in a way. I'm going to try to split future chapters between both the Toa trying to find their place in a strange new world with no recollections (well, I shouldn't really say no recollections) of what's happened before and the Matoran trying to survive and adjust to a suddenly hostile island (with Takua acting as the audience surrogate).Lastly, on the conflict between Jaller and Vakama - I feel like the old story wasn't very realistic since you never really got the feeling that anything bad happened before the infected Rahi. Here, I feel like having someone like Vakama becoming an incompetent leader (and we as Bionicle fans know he wasn't, at least not always) kinda hints at things from the past affecting him right now, and it asks questions like "what is going on with him?" and "why is there tension between him and Jaller?" There's a large cast to develope between Toa, Turaga, and Matoran, but Vakama is definitely one I want to really flesh out here. 

That was pretty legit.I agree with Portalfig, your writing and grammar were no problem whatsoever and had me instantly attached to reading it.Tahu's personality is a little different then canon, but I think it works. I also love the fact that you're touching the whole high-tech part of Bionicle with the canister.I'll be "tuning" in next time as well. :P

Actually, I don't plan on Tahu straying too far from him normal self. Here, we're mainly seeing him react and he's not had time to think. He has to react to the canister, he has to react to Takua, and in the next chapter he has to react to throwing himself into a fight that isn't his. I guess I can tease at some future plans, so I'll say that each Toa does not have the same amount of memory loss as another, and I want this to have a big part in developing them, Tahu especially.And lastly, I know a lot of people, especially people that have a lot of nostalgia for the old story, liked the mystic aspects to the story, but I think that as in the real world, not everyone really shares the same view on what we don't know. Some Matoran really believe in Mata Nui as "the divine" and they see everything with the mystic view that we saw Bionicle through at first and they really buy into U.D.D., but why should everyone? Takua obviously doesn't, and that gets him in trouble, and Jaller sees how messed up that is. I think the old story sometimes let us forget that these guys are individuals that have their own goals and feelings and beliefs by often lumping them as one big collective "the Matoran" and I hope I get to explore that even/especially if I ever do post 2001-2003 stuff.EDIT: I hope you guys don't mind the lack of description for the characters, either. That was intentional 'cause I don't want to force a "look" on them, and some people might see Tahu and Takua and Kopaka differently than others do. Some might like them looking like they did in the Miramax films, some might like the toy look, some might want to see them as humans in armor (or aliens, even). All that's totally cool. See these guys as you want to.

Edited by Swindle, May 01 2013 - 05:48 PM.

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#5 Online Protalgift

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Posted May 01 2013 - 06:18 PM

To be honest, I didn't even notice that you didn't have any. All of these characters have had so many depictions that there isn't really a need to. Now, if you wanted to introduce new people to BIONCLE then you would have to add some descriptions, but for your current audience there isn't a need. =P


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#6 Offline Scrash

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Posted May 04 2013 - 09:07 PM

So I have started the next chapter. My original plan was to have as much stuff crammed in it as possible, but the more sensible side to me has opted to have this chapter and the next be a two-parter. I'm about 40% done right now, ignoring editing and revision time. But I figured I could tease it a bit, so here is the chapter title and a quote to buy some time until I get to post it.

 

---

 

Chapter II: "Six Heroes, One Destiny?" Part One

 

“How do you plan on finding them? Do you have a designated meeting plan for when you got split up?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do you have a flare or some way of letting them know where you are?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do you have a plan in case they’re not here or if you’re in the wrong place?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do you-?”

 

No.

 

“I’m sensing a pattern here.”


Edited by Swindle, May 04 2013 - 09:08 PM.

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#7 Offline Athmos

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Posted May 09 2013 - 08:08 AM

There was a drop in quality in the latest chapter. It was missing quotation marks and the like. The story was good, but it was really hard to read. Real distracting.
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#8 Offline Scrash

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Posted May 09 2013 - 01:20 PM

Yeah, the actual thing I had typed up in Word had everything. I don't really know what happened during the formatting for the forums? They were there a couple nights ago, but then I edited a thing yesterday and then they weren't. I mean, I do know that the quotations and the apostrophes are supposed to be there and I made a note before the chapter saying "hey they're missing and I'll fix that when I can."
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#9 Online Protalgift

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Posted May 09 2013 - 10:07 PM

So, I saw you posted the next chapter this morning, and I was very excited! Then I opened it, and I saw what happened with the quotations and such. Then I told myself that I would wait until you fixed it so I could enjoy it to the fullest extent possible. I am glad I did, but that doesn't change the fact I had to do school knowing that their was another chapter of this and I couldn't read it yet!

 

This chapter was good, and there wasn't any grammar problems that really stood out to me while reading. Once you fixed the quotation marks, that is. =P

 

Pohatu and Lewa know much more then expected, and both of them seemed pretty canon personality-wise. Lewa's almost military-minded thoughts seemed like a good turn for the character, not unbearably naive and immature like in the canon, but yet it still worked in my mind. I also enjoyed Pohatu's initial annoyance with Hafu, and the fact you brought the contaminated Po-Koro up so fast. I also am somewhat mad because you never returned to Tahu or the rest of Ta-Koro, even after that cliffhanger in the last chapter. But I guess that is okay. =P

 

And did Takua just semi-quote The Last Airbender? xD


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#10 Offline Scrash

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Posted May 09 2013 - 11:14 PM

So, I saw you posted the next chapter this morning, and I was very excited! Then I opened it, and I saw what happened with the quotations and such. Then I told myself that I would wait until you fixed it so I could enjoy it to the fullest extent possible. I am glad I did, but that doesn't change the fact I had to do school knowing that their was another chapter of this and I couldn't read it yet!

 

This chapter was good, and there wasn't any grammar problems that really stood out to me while reading. Once you fixed the quotation marks, that is. =P

 

Pohatu and Lewa know much more then expected, and both of them seemed pretty canon personality-wise. Lewa's almost military-minded thoughts seemed like a good turn for the character, not unbearably naive and immature like in the canon, but yet it still worked in my mind. I also enjoyed Pohatu's initial annoyance with Hafu, and the fact you brought the contaminated Po-Koro up so fast. I also am somewhat mad because you never returned to Tahu or the rest of Ta-Koro, even after that cliffhanger in the last chapter. But I guess that is okay. =P

 

And did Takua just semi-quote The Last Airbender? xD

 

Yeah, I still have no idea what was up with the quotations, but I'm glad you held off on reading it 'til they got fixed (and even then some of the spacing got mangled without my noticing. Hopefully I fixed all that now).

 

My original plan was actually to start in the middle/near-end of the Ta-Koro fight scene, but it wasn't coming out well at all, so I figured I'd just scrap it and start elsewhere. There were a couple other ideas, including with a sort of intro to Makuta, but none of them worked as well as I'd have liked. Like I said earlier, even if the Toa don't quite resemble their canon selves right now, I'm hoping that they do end up becoming more familiar over the course of the story. Po-Koro's ending was actually a super last-minute addition 'cause I started liking the idea of the attacks on the villages happening simultaneously so I bumped it up. I don't think the resolution will be dealt with really early, but the plague hitting off-screen should be able to work.

 

Thanks for checking up, by the way. I've started on the next part already, so you'll definitely get the Ta-Koro resolution then, along with meeting the rest of the Toa.


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