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Matoran? Or Monster. The Review Topic

Review Topic Matoran Monster Gratoraxe

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8 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Phantom Terror

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Posted May 16 2013 - 07:34 AM

Hi guys, reviews for Matoran? Or Monster go here.

 

STORY TOPIC


Edited by Phantom Terror, May 16 2013 - 08:23 AM.

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#2 Offline Van Hohenheim

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Posted May 16 2013 - 08:05 AM

....I don't think MOCs need a separate thread for reviews...


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#3 Offline Phantom Terror

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Posted May 16 2013 - 08:06 AM

....I don't think MOCs need a separate thread for reviews...

I wrote an epic. ._.


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#4 Offline Van Hohenheim

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Posted May 16 2013 - 08:10 AM

....I don't think MOCs need a separate thread for reviews...

I wrote an epic. ._.

woops. sorry. I feel dumb now >-<

I don't really see any problem here. keep up the good work. the chapters seem a wee bit short though.


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#5 Offline Darth Kranie

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Posted May 16 2013 - 08:12 AM

....I don't think MOCs need a separate thread for reviews...

I wrote an epic. ._.

Hehe. That was funny.

 

Anyhow, you should add a link of your epic to the review topic first or people might think it's about MOCs (jk :P).

 

EDIT: I see you are already finished with the link thing. Well keep up with chapter two!


Edited by Kranan: Rider of Rohan, May 16 2013 - 08:27 AM.

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#6 Offline Taipu1

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Posted May 16 2013 - 11:35 AM

First I'll get a few nitpicky grammar/spelling things out of the way.  Spelling seems pretty well done, the only thing that jumped out at me was:

 

[color=#610202;font-weight:bold;]f you come with us, the we'll let your lover go.[/color]

 

Assume it's just a typo, should be 'then'.  1 typo in a single chapter though is a pretty good rate. 

 

The speech doesn't flow so well, you need to start a new line when the speaker changes, so it becomes more obvious.  A lot of people (myself included) leave gaps between each line of speech, to push this.

 

[color=#610202;font-weight:bold;]"Not good." Gratoraxe said. "Hold your fire." A mysterious voice said. "I propose a deal, Gratoraxe. If you come with us, the we'll let your lover go." "No Gratoraxe, don't do it." Reyna pleaded. [/color]

 

This should be more like this:

 

[color=#610202;font-weight:bold;]"Not good," Gratoraxe said. [/color]

[color=#610202;font-weight:bold;]"Hold your fire," A mysterious voice said. "I propose a deal, Gratoraxe. If you come with us, then we'll let your lover go." [/color]

[color=#610202;font-weight:bold;]"No Gratoraxe, don't do it." Reyna pleaded. [/color]

 

 

As for the story you've got going, its interesting.  There's an element of mystery, which you might want to push this further, get the reader asking 'Who are these robots?', offer some hint as to where the mysterious voice might be coming from.  As Strack said, it's a bit short.  My thoughts are this is because you're setting up.  You know where you want to go, and thats where you want to be.  It perhaps comes off as a bit rushed.  It's not bad quality rushed, its more that you've only put what's necessary to set things up.

 

Finally I've got a quibble with Reyna's final line, I didn't really believe it.  In that situation, I wouldn't be thinking "I'll always remember you", as that implies a totally hopeless situation.  I would have thought she'd hope to see him again.  If anything she'd be more overcome with the selfless move he made by taking her place.  If anything it's not the people involved that matter, it's the act of what Gratoraxe did that's important, and Reyna's emotions about this act should be obvious from this line. 

 

This reviews probably comes across as pretty negative, for which I apologise.  Don't be disheartened, writing an epic is as much about bettering your skills as it is about telling a story, and constructive critiscism is the key to this. 


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#7 Offline Phantom Terror

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Posted May 16 2013 - 11:40 AM

First I'll get a few nitpicky grammar/spelling things out of the way.  Spelling seems pretty well done, the only thing that jumped out at me was:

 

[color=#610202;font-weight:bold;]f you come with us, the we'll let your lover go.[/color]

 

Assume it's just a typo, should be 'then'.  1 typo in a single chapter though is a pretty good rate. 

 

The speech doesn't flow so well, you need to start a new line when the speaker changes, so it becomes more obvious.  A lot of people (myself included) leave gaps between each line of speech, to push this.

 

>>

[color=#610202;font-weight:bold;]"Not good." Gratoraxe said. "Hold your fire." A mysterious voice said. "I propose a deal, Gratoraxe. If you come with us, the we'll let your lover go." "No Gratoraxe, don't do it." Reyna pleaded. [/color]

 

This should be more like this:

 

[color=#610202;font-weight:bold;]"Not good," Gratoraxe said. [/color]

[color=#610202;font-weight:bold;]"Hold your fire," A mysterious voice said. "I propose a deal, Gratoraxe. If you come with us, then we'll let your lover go." [/color]

[color=#610202;font-weight:bold;]"No Gratoraxe, don't do it." Reyna pleaded. [/color]

 

 

As for the story you've got going, its interesting.  There's an element of mystery, which you might want to push this further, get the reader asking 'Who are these robots?', offer some hint as to where the mysterious voice might be coming from.  As Strack said, it's a bit short.  My thoughts are this is because you're setting up.  You know where you want to go, and thats where you want to be.  It perhaps comes off as a bit rushed.  It's not bad quality rushed, its more that you've only put what's necessary to set things up.

 

Finally I've got a quibble with Reyna's final line, I didn't really believe it.  In that situation, I wouldn't be thinking "I'll always remember you", as that implies a totally hopeless situation.  I would have thought she'd hope to see him again.  If anything she'd be more overcome with the selfless move he made by taking her place.  If anything it's not the people involved that matter, it's the act of what Gratoraxe did that's important, and Reyna's emotions about this act should be obvious from this line. 

 

This reviews probably comes across as pretty negative, for which I apologise.  Don't be disheartened, writing an epic is as much about bettering your skills as it is about telling a story, and constructive critiscism is the key to this. 

Okay, thanks! Will fix spelling/grammatical errors. I am setting it up for something bigger that ties into the Adventures of Sandstorm. This might turn out a  little like Total Recall or the Matrix. Reyna  said "I'll always remember you." Because it is a key element for later in the story and the strength of the robots is INSANE. There is only one way to defeat/destroy them, and it is not brute strength. 


Edited by Phantom Terror, May 17 2013 - 05:43 AM.

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#8 Offline Toa Of Anarchy

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Posted Aug 12 2013 - 10:21 AM

Chapter One. Ordinary

Chapter Two. Extrodinary

Chapter Three. SPECTACULAR!

Good Story(s)!

Really looking forward to more.

Once you are done though, you might want to write a prequel so we understand the settings better.


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#9 Offline Phantom Terror

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Posted Aug 12 2013 - 10:36 AM

Chapter One. Ordinary

Chapter Two. Extrodinary

Chapter Three. SPECTACULAR!

Good Story(s)!

Really looking forward to more.

Once you are done though, you might want to write a prequel so we understand the settings better.

I would like to know what makes these chapter ordinary, extraordinary, and spectacular.

 

EDIT: Thank you to the staff member who moved these posts out of my story. :)


Edited by Wasp, Aug 13 2013 - 07:29 AM.

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