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Matoran? Or Monster. The Review Topic


Kanakalackin

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....I don't think MOCs need a separate thread for reviews...

I wrote an epic. ._.

Hehe. That was funny.

 

Anyhow, you should add a link of your epic to the review topic first or people might think it's about MOCs (jk :P).

 

EDIT: I see you are already finished with the link thing. Well keep up with chapter two!

Edited by Kranan: Rider of Rohan
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First I'll get a few nitpicky grammar/spelling things out of the way. Spelling seems pretty well done, the only thing that jumped out at me was:

 

f you come with us, the we'll let your lover go.

 

Assume it's just a typo, should be 'then'. 1 typo in a single chapter though is a pretty good rate.

 

The speech doesn't flow so well, you need to start a new line when the speaker changes, so it becomes more obvious. A lot of people (myself included) leave gaps between each line of speech, to push this.

 

"Not good." Gratoraxe said. "Hold your fire." A mysterious voice said. "I propose a deal, Gratoraxe. If you come with us, the we'll let your lover go." "No Gratoraxe, don't do it." Reyna pleaded.

 

This should be more like this:

 

"Not good," Gratoraxe said.

"Hold your fire," A mysterious voice said. "I propose a deal, Gratoraxe. If you come with us, then we'll let your lover go."

"No Gratoraxe, don't do it." Reyna pleaded.

 

 

As for the story you've got going, its interesting. There's an element of mystery, which you might want to push this further, get the reader asking 'Who are these robots?', offer some hint as to where the mysterious voice might be coming from. As Strack said, it's a bit short. My thoughts are this is because you're setting up. You know where you want to go, and thats where you want to be. It perhaps comes off as a bit rushed. It's not bad quality rushed, its more that you've only put what's necessary to set things up.

 

Finally I've got a quibble with Reyna's final line, I didn't really believe it. In that situation, I wouldn't be thinking "I'll always remember you", as that implies a totally hopeless situation. I would have thought she'd hope to see him again. If anything she'd be more overcome with the selfless move he made by taking her place. If anything it's not the people involved that matter, it's the act of what Gratoraxe did that's important, and Reyna's emotions about this act should be obvious from this line.

 

This reviews probably comes across as pretty negative, for which I apologise. Don't be disheartened, writing an epic is as much about bettering your skills as it is about telling a story, and constructive critiscism is the key to this.

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First I'll get a few nitpicky grammar/spelling things out of the way. Spelling seems pretty well done, the only thing that jumped out at me was:

 

f you come with us, the we'll let your lover go.

 

Assume it's just a typo, should be 'then'. 1 typo in a single chapter though is a pretty good rate.

 

The speech doesn't flow so well, you need to start a new line when the speaker changes, so it becomes more obvious. A lot of people (myself included) leave gaps between each line of speech, to push this.

 

>>

"Not good." Gratoraxe said. "Hold your fire." A mysterious voice said. "I propose a deal, Gratoraxe. If you come with us, the we'll let your lover go." "No Gratoraxe, don't do it." Reyna pleaded.

 

This should be more like this:

 

"Not good," Gratoraxe said.

"Hold your fire," A mysterious voice said. "I propose a deal, Gratoraxe. If you come with us, then we'll let your lover go."

"No Gratoraxe, don't do it." Reyna pleaded.

 

 

As for the story you've got going, its interesting. There's an element of mystery, which you might want to push this further, get the reader asking 'Who are these robots?', offer some hint as to where the mysterious voice might be coming from. As Strack said, it's a bit short. My thoughts are this is because you're setting up. You know where you want to go, and thats where you want to be. It perhaps comes off as a bit rushed. It's not bad quality rushed, its more that you've only put what's necessary to set things up.

 

Finally I've got a quibble with Reyna's final line, I didn't really believe it. In that situation, I wouldn't be thinking "I'll always remember you", as that implies a totally hopeless situation. I would have thought she'd hope to see him again. If anything she'd be more overcome with the selfless move he made by taking her place. If anything it's not the people involved that matter, it's the act of what Gratoraxe did that's important, and Reyna's emotions about this act should be obvious from this line.

 

This reviews probably comes across as pretty negative, for which I apologise. Don't be disheartened, writing an epic is as much about bettering your skills as it is about telling a story, and constructive critiscism is the key to this.

Okay, thanks! Will fix spelling/grammatical errors. I am setting it up for something bigger that ties into the Adventures of Sandstorm. This might turn out a little like Total Recall or the Matrix. Reyna said "I'll always remember you." Because it is a key element for later in the story and the strength of the robots is INSANE. There is only one way to defeat/destroy them, and it is not brute strength.

Edited by Phantom Terror

20630367175_89803378cf_m.jpg19614359428_333d55fdd4_m.jpg20062539664_c9b483986a_m.jpg

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  • 2 months later...

Chapter One. Ordinary

Chapter Two. Extrodinary

Chapter Three. SPECTACULAR!

Good Story(s)!

Really looking forward to more.

Once you are done though, you might want to write a prequel so we understand the settings better.

I would like to know what makes these chapter ordinary, extraordinary, and spectacular.

 

EDIT: Thank you to the staff member who moved these posts out of my story. :)

Edited by Wasp

20630367175_89803378cf_m.jpg19614359428_333d55fdd4_m.jpg20062539664_c9b483986a_m.jpg

I have an Instagram page where you can see these pictures and more like them! Just click

HERE!

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