Bells

[Kanakalackin]

Hi guys, this is what I wrote for yesterday's write-off. The subject was bells.

 

Lewa was strolling through the jungle one day when he heard a new sound. It was unlike any other that he had heard before; it was too high to be a drum, but to metallic to be a flute. He cut down some underbrush and found Tamaru expressing his love for music with a very strange piece of metal. “What happy-fun are we having here?” Lewa asked. “Oh, nothing really.” Tamaru replied. “Just thought what new clang-noise a funny-shape piece of metal would make.” “It sounds nice.” Lewa said. “May I play-try?” He asked. “Yes, but it was hard to make. Please be careful.” Tamaru said as he handed the new instrument to Lewa. Lewa tapped it lightly with his finger. “It made no sound-noise.” Lewa said. “Did I break it?” He asked in dismay. “No, you swing it like this.” Tamaru said as he brought the piece of metal up and flicked his wrist. The bell responded by making a melodious sound. “That’s a pretty noise-sound.” Lewa said. “May I try again?” He asked. “Sure.” tamaru said as he handed the bell to Lewa. Lewa then flicked his wrist the same way that Tamaru did, only he wasn’t holding on tight enough. “The bell flew out of Lewa’s hands and hit a very scared Tamaru. Tamaru then flopped onto the ground unconscious. “Well, have happy-fun with your new noisemaker!” Lewa said as he hurried away. Hopefully Tamaru wouldn’t remember what happened.

Edited May 19, 2013 by Phantom Terror

[fishers64]

That's a little morbid, but here's to hoping Tamaru is okay. It's a slight chuckle. ("Watch it, Lewa!") Nice work.

 

But you need a new paragraph every time a new character starts speaking. For example:

 

 

“What happy-fun are we having here?” Lewa asked.

 

“Oh, nothing really.” Tamaru replied.

 

“Just thought what new clang-noise a funny-shape piece of metal would make.”

 

“It sounds nice.” Lewa said. “May I play-try?” He asked.

 

“Yes, but it was hard to make. Please be careful.” Tamaru said as he handed the new instrument to Lewa.

 

Lewa tapped it lightly with his finger. “It made no sound-noise.” Lewa said. “Did I break it?” He asked in dismay.

 

“No, you swing it like this.” Tamaru said as he brought the piece of metal up and flicked his wrist. The bell responded by making a melodious sound.

 

“That’s a pretty noise-sound.” Lewa said. “May I try again?” He asked.

 

“Sure.” tamaru said as he handed the bell to Lewa.

 

Lewa then flicked his wrist the same way that Tamaru did, only he wasn’t holding on tight enough. “The bell flew out of Lewa’s hands and hit a very scared Tamaru. Tamaru then flopped onto the ground unconscious. “Well, have happy-fun with your new noisemaker!” Lewa said as he hurried away. Hopefully Tamaru wouldn’t remember what happened.

 

Makes it a little easier to read. You also don't need to say "He asked." every time Lewa speaks, like here:

 

 

“It sounds nice.” Lewa said. “May I play-try?” He asked.

Should be "'It sounds nice.' Lewa said. 'May I play-try?'".

 

It's a nice little story, but a couple things will help.

Edited June 6, 2013 by fishers64