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Maybe in Time

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#1 Offline dotcom

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Posted May 21 2013 - 11:30 PM

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Maybe in Time[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]       It’s curious, don’t you think?          Life is all about waiting. From the moment a Matoran’s heartlight begins glowing, he waits until he finds a purpose. Once found, he waits and works until he can master this purpose. He waits for recognition. He waits for success. The life of a determined Matoran is nothing but a test of patience.      For most, their greatest strife will be in trying to be remembered. To be that great Archivist who discovers great and exciting new Rahi. To be that skilled mask maker, commissioned by the Turaga himself to forge Kanohi. To be the best sculptor, the best pilot, the best teacher, the best scholar. To leave a mark on history so great as to withstand the trials of time and fire.       So they wait, tuning their skills, refining their work, waiting—hoping—that, in time, they will gain recognition.      And so, they wait.      Even those with greater goals wait. He that dreams of being a hero waits, endures, all the while hearing the great tales of Toa already existing.      And he waits, because he must. He feels his Destiny drawing near.      All he has to do is wait.[/font] 

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]***[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]       Keahi was tired of waiting.      He toiled day after day, working around every district of Ta-Metru, transporting and disposing of furnace waste. He was a trusted and responsible friend to many, yet he could not be any less happy with his situation.      Keahi had always wanted to be a Mask Maker, but that option had been eliminated early in his career. He was not skilled enough for that sort of delicate work. He was too rough, too strong. He worked for years at mask making, waiting and working to improve his skills so as to one day become successful. But it had been a fruitless effort. Years went by, and he had nothing to show for it but dozens of cracked and useless masks.      More than anything, Keahi wanted to protect Metru Nui. He wanted to make great masks to help the Toa protect the Metru, but that had become impossible. What could he do?      Keahi wanted to be a hero more than anything. But he was still only a Matoran. Too strong for the work he desired, but too weak to be of any use in enforcing the law or protecting his fellow Matoran.      So he swallowed his pride and began a part of the waste disposal system of Metru Nui, working under Kalama at the Protodermis Reclamation Yard. After all, most of his work had ended up at the Yard as well.      But still he waited. Deep inside, he believed he was destined to do more. He had to believe that this toiling in a job he did not enjoy was all in preparation for something better. He had to believe that the feeling he still had—the desire to protect—would one day be fulfilled.      He would one day become a Toa. He was sure of it. He would join the Toa and the Vahki and protect Metru Nui.      All he had to do was wait.      Time was his trial, through which the Great spirit tested him, challenging him to endure even in the conditions he found himself in.      Do all you can for your neighbors as you are now. And in time, you will do even more.       He would one day become a Toa.      He would be remembered. He would endure the tests of time and disaster and become a true hero. His situation was beyond ordinary. But not for long, he felt. All he had to do was wait.      Because one day he would become a Toa.      He was sure of it.[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]***[/font]

 

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Not a very actiony or trialy piece, even though it's a Trial by Fire theme...Hmmm[/font]

Also why did I ever stop doing these contests.


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#2 Offline The Phantom Terror

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Posted Jun 13 2013 - 05:04 PM

First of all, before I start criticizing, very nice job! You used a real concept, and included a character for others to relate to! Now on to the criticizing...

 

1. When you have a list of concepts (i.e. The Archivist, the mask-maker, etc.), you can sepparate the concepts with semicolons.

 

That's the only thing that bugged me really. Everything else looked awesome! Oh, and just a suggestion, because of the way that you wrote this magnificent piece, you can continue it. Telling what happened to Kaahi afterwards, did he get captured by the Vahki? Did he escape, or did his dream come true and did he become a Toa? There are endless possibilities!

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(128,0,0);]~Phantom Terror[/color][/font]


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#3 Offline dotcom

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Posted Jun 13 2013 - 08:06 PM

First of all, before I start criticizing, very nice job! You used a real concept, and included a character for others to relate to! Now on to the criticizing...

 

1. When you have a list of concepts (i.e. The Archivist, the mask-maker, etc.), you can sepparate the concepts with semicolons.

 

That's the only thing that bugged me really. Everything else looked awesome! Oh, and just a suggestion, because of the way that you wrote this magnificent piece, you can continue it. Telling what happened to Kaahi afterwards, did he get captured by the Vahki? Did he escape, or did his dream come true and did he become a Toa? There are endless possibilities!

 

[font="'times new roman', times, serif;"][color=rgb(128,0,0);]~Phantom Terror[/color][/font]

 

 

Thanks. Regarding the concepts, I guess I just wanted to go asyndeton style. A Semicolon might have worked better.

 

Keahi is in a fact a character from the MNOLG, who was described by Jaller as the most courageous and strong member of the Ta-Koro guard (Excluding, I guess, himself). He doesn't have much of a character, but I based this piece vaguely on him. So he, sadly, really didn't do much until he reached Mata Nui.


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#4 Offline Aderia

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Posted Jul 07 2013 - 01:23 AM

Hey! Guess what! I liked this story!! Good work has been done here. I'm guessing this piece was for one of the Ambage Contests? Admittedly, it's been a while since I've poked my nose into the Library here, and this piece caught my eye. Its short and sweet, I think, in a good way!

 

One thing that really stood out to me was your introduction. The style of narration was....mmmm, what's the word? It was like, welcoming. It drew me, as a reader, in. I like that. And the other thing I saw you mention in your post above, you took a minor character, a really minor character from the background, and gave him a life. I like to think its the little things like this that keep Bionicle around, all the detailing and fleshing out of the existing storyline via us, the fanbase. So this wasn't so much of a review, sorry about that, just some commentary. But I've seen your other work around, such as in the currently running Flash Fiction Marathon (good luck!) And keep up the good work!


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#5 Offline dotcom

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Posted Jul 07 2013 - 01:56 AM

Hey! Guess what! I liked this story!! Good work has been done here. I'm guessing this piece was for one of the Ambage Contests? Admittedly, it's been a while since I've poked my nose into the Library here, and this piece caught my eye. Its short and sweet, I think, in a good way!

 

One thing that really stood out to me was your introduction. The style of narration was....mmmm, what's the word? It was like, welcoming. It drew me, as a reader, in. I like that. And the other thing I saw you mention in your post above, you took a minor character, a really minor character from the background, and gave him a life. I like to think its the little things like this that keep Bionicle around, all the detailing and fleshing out of the existing storyline via us, the fanbase. So this wasn't so much of a review, sorry about that, just some commentary. But I've seen your other work around, such as in the currently running Flash Fiction Marathon (good luck!) And keep up the good work!

 

Thanks, I appreciate this a lot. I try to experiment a lot with my writing. I didn't know how the introduction here would work, but it's good that you liked it. As for Keahi, I guess he just fit the story I had in mind, but I do enjoy taking minor characters and doing something different with them. I was going to try something like that with one of the last Flash Fiction Themes, but ran out of time to develop the idea.

But really, thanks for the kind words. I don't get many second opinions, so most of the time I have basically no idea what anyone thinks of my stuff.


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