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Bionicle News

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13 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 10:56 PM

Edit: Apparently the format got really screwed up since I was last here, so I'm fixing everything.  You're welcome america.

 

Bionicle news at 6:00

Solek: Release the hounds? Wow, Frezon is the worst writer ever. Who even uses that horrible quote anyway?

Shadow leech (SL): You fool! Release the hounds! (A swarm of wiener dogs attack Solek, yipping hysterically)

Announcer (AN): Really? You’re trying to kill Solek already? It’s the first chapter and there hasn’t even been any character development yet. How can you possibly know what your former character was like?

Cameraman (CM): How did Solek know to be rude?

Ehlek: Touché.

Carapar: Ehlek, don’t use foreign languages. They hurt my head. And when my head hurts I tend to hurt the heads of others.

Producer (PR): But seriously, who the heck told our characters what their former versions were like?

Weapon: I blame my lawyer. It’s easier that way.

Lawyer: who blamed me? I’ll sue you!!11!1!

Kirop: Huh?!?!? What was up with the exclamation points?

Carapar: Up? Okay, you can go up! (Smacks Kirop into the roof of the dome, he is annihilated by the hovering Eldrazi titans)

SL: I sense the continuation of a disturbing trend.

Solek: What, Kirop dying? No one cared in the beginning and no one will care now.

PR: Wait a moment, where are those two guest stars?

* El flashbacko, Inception music playing*

Hammox: OH MY GOD< WE”RE GOING TO DIE!! (Pit of lava opens under them)

Osram: WHY GOD WHY????

*End el flashbacko*

AN: Seriously? Frezon is nearly fluent in Spanish, and he continues to butcher it? What is wrong with him?

Frezon: many, many things.

SL: I have more. Things wrong with me, that is. (Kirop hits ground, makes impact crater)

Ehlek: Hey, we have 400 words. That’s enough, right?

Solek: No, you brain dead fool. The word processor is counting Frezon’s carp intro in its calculations. Honestly, don’t you ever break the fourth wall?

Carapar: hey, isn’t this Bionicle NEWS?

CM: Way to get us back on topic, crab boy. (Laser emitted from Carapar’s jaws, CM steaming) owie.

PR: Seriously, we should tell some sort of news.

Ehlek: sure. This is the first day of the last day. Yes, it’s true, it’s December 21, 2012. Let’s turn to our sports guy to see how things are going. Carapar: Silly Ehlek, I annihilated Brutaka last comedy. Also, Trix are for kids.

AN: Please shoot me. Or at least end this chapter.

Weapon: Your wish is my command.

Click click boom!

-Commercial break- Was AN just shot? Will Carapar have ultimate power? Will I ever break out of this stupid mold of asking three questions at the end of each of my chapters? Find out next time on…. BIONICLE NEWS! !!!!

Yeah, random, whatever. Stay tuned for better content.


Edited by Frezon, Nov 10 2015 - 10:46 AM.

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Bionicle news #2 Click it, you know you want to. It's a comedy. With awesome humor. And contests. And a shadow leech. Who's evil.
 

Snail Hydra


#2 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 11:01 PM

Day two

Ehlek: Good morning, fine people of Earth! I’m Ehlek, and this is BIONICLE NEWS!!! With…

Solek: A bunch of #$%^%$ who have no brains.

Ehlek: A bunch of #$%^%$ who have no brai- HEY I see what you did there.

SL: Hey Solek, can I have your isolation?

Solek: Uhhhh sure.

SL: How about your light? (he dives for Solek’s exposed throat, hits Carapar)

Carapar: RESPECT MY PERSONAL SPACE!! (smacks the leech into a wall)

PR: CUT!! Ehlek, what happened there? There was a great intro, then it descended into madness.

*awkward silence*

AN: (with a bullet wound on his arm) So…. Do you think we can try again?

Weapon: With the comedy? No, Frezon’s too lazy to write it again.

Frezon: Hey! That’s…not… yeah, it’s true. Carry on.

SL: I used to think I had a voice. And I still do! A golden voice. So Ehlek, I’m challenging you to a host battle.

Kirop: wait, it the leech is a parasite, and he wants to become a host, does that mean that he’d have to host a party, or does it mean that he’d have to drink his own light, or does it mean tha- (Carapar smacks him)

Carapar: That Carapar hits you for being annoying? Yes.

SL: so, Ehlek, prepare for the smack down of your life, fool!! (grows black Mohawk)

AN: How did the leech just turn into Mr. T?!?!?!?

Solek: drugs, most likely. He probably gave all of us them.

Weapon: Sounds plausible. Now, let the battle begin! (a giant wrestling ring lowers dramatically from the ceiling)

Ehlek: Ok, this isn’t even sporting. The leech is like, six inches tall. I can just squish him with my massive foot.

SL: But then you’ll have leech fluids on your foot. And that’s gross.

Ehlek: (squishing leech) I’ll have to figure out some way to get over that.

SL: COME ON!! REALLY?!?!? (reforms body and oozes away, defeated)

Solek: Good riddance.

Solek: Wait, did Frezon just make me say “good riddance”?

Carapar: Yep. Solek: that’s it, I’m killing him. Who’s with me? (Everyone, as do the other people in the studio raise their hand) perfect.

Frezon: You cannot destroy me. For I am nothing.

Everyone: Your brain’s nothing, I can tell you that much.

AN: Didn’t we already use that joke last comedy?

CM: probably. But who cares? It’s not like this comedy is going to get less hits. I mean, all the ones so far are from Frezon just looking to see if anyone commented yet. Poor guy.

Solek: guys, let’s stop feeling sorry for him and get ready to kill him. Remember?

Carapar: yep. (pulls out masks of life, creation, and time out of his chest plate and puts them all on) let’s ride.

-commercial break-

Solek: Oh, way to stop the comedy right before we kill you, you @#$%^&^%$.

Will Frezon be killed? Will there be a plot? Has the mark been made? Find out next time on…………….. BIONICLE NEWS! !!!! !!!! !!!!!


Edited by Frezon, Nov 10 2015 - 10:59 AM.

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Bionicle news #2 Click it, you know you want to. It's a comedy. With awesome humor. And contests. And a shadow leech. Who's evil.
 

Snail Hydra


#3 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Oct 19 2011 - 08:16 AM

Day 3

*Angry mob forming at the breach in dimensions of author world and story world*

Solek: Nice job, Carapar.

Carapar: No prob bro. Anything to rip out Frezon’s spleen.

Frezon: Really? You’re still trying to kill me?

Ehlek: Well duh. You’ve ruined all our lives by creating this comedy.

AN: I’m not with these guys.

CM: I so totally am. (Pulls out camera, begins filming)

Kirop: (hits ground, steaming slightly) huh? Wha- what’s going on?

Solek: (reading dimensional breach manual) Apparently we have to make a sacrifice to form the bridge to the Authorverse. Hey! We’ve got Kirop. Great job guys.

Weapon: I’ll take care of this (lasers a hole in Kirop’s gallbladder)

Kirop: ach uhg kach (dies)

*huge shadowy bridge forms, dark creepy rock music playing*

Solek: sweet! Let’s cross.

PR: (Mouth gaping) WHAT THE @#$%$#@?!?!?!? You just killed Kirop so you could perpetuate further murder?!?!?!? Do you even HAVE souls?

Axonn: I sold mine to rock and roll. (does heavy metal on guitar)

Solek: Soul? What is this that you speak of?

PR: Forget it. I’m leaving. You’re all fired.

Ehlek: Fine with me. I’ve got an Oprah interview lined up right after Charlie Sheen.

SL: hey guys. (crawling from Authorverse to Newsverse)

Solek: What were you just doing?

SL: Attempting to drain Frezon’s light. But then I found out that he was just another scion of darkness, so I decided to strap missiles to his legs and launch him at the moon.

Carapar: Awww, I always miss the fun.

Frezon: ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH! !!!! !!!! !!!!! (crashes into a volcano, dies)

Solek: (long string of expletives deleted. Fezon’s proto reduced for each one.) !!!! !!!! !!!! !!! I so totally wanted to kill him myself. Oh well. PR, you were saying?

PR: That you’re all fired for not having souls.

Carapar: Oh come on. It’s not that big a deal.

AN: Not that big a deal!?!?!?!?!? OF COURSE IT IS! !!!!!!

CM: I don’t see what the problem is. I mean, most singers these days don’t have on, and they’re perfectly successful.

Lady Gaga: Did I hear someone request the meat suit?

AN: HOW DID SHE GET IN HERE?!?!? AND WHY IS CM ON THEIR SIDE???!?!??!?!? AND WH- (has heart attack)

SL: oh, that still happens. So, who wants to revive him?

Mysterious voice: I’ve got it. (shoots lightning at AN, he gasps and wakes up)

SL: Hey! It’s that Guest Star.

Weapon: Hammox! !!!! !!!!! Buddy, how are you doing?

*commercial break*

Is Hammox really alive? Is Osram alive too? Why am I obsessed with souls? Find out next time on……….. BIONICLE NEWS! !!!! !!!!!


Edited by Frezon, Nov 10 2015 - 11:12 AM.

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Bionicle news #2 Click it, you know you want to. It's a comedy. With awesome humor. And contests. And a shadow leech. Who's evil.
 

Snail Hydra


#4 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Oct 19 2011 - 03:10 PM

Just realized 3 exclimation points is coded. huh. Whatever, enjoy chapter...4

Day 4

Hammox: Hey guys! How’s it going?

SL: (Now wearing sunglasses and a trench coat). I’m fine.

Solek: Yeah, everything’s about normal. Frezon’s dead, though, so that’s new.

Carapar: He already knew that, silly. He read the last chapter.

AN: HUH?!?!?!??! How does space and time even work in this world, anyway?

Hammox: Hey, I think I can help with that.

Ehlek: How, hambone?

Hammox: Well, that weird Greg guy messed up my character by making the mask of creation legendary, so Frezon decided to compensate me with a mask of relativity. Using it, I can summon Einstein and he can help us out.

PR: That seems moderately plausible. Quick, do it before anything else insane happens.

Mysterious voice numba 2: Did I hear insanity? (Laser blaster rips hole in cyberspace through Kirop’s chest)

CM: Hey, it’s that other GS who Frezon never developed as a character.

Osram: My name’s Osram, puny mortal. Can’t you read my script tag?

CM: Oh, sorry, forgot to look.

PR: Didn’t we get a flashback of you two dying a horrible death?

Weapon: Yeah, it was pretty entertaining.

Hammox: Well, we almost fell into the gaping mouth of Mount Doom after finding the one Rin-

Osram: Uh, Hammox, that’s still under copyright.

Hammox: Oh yeah. Well, we’re alive, and here to kick rectum. And I’m a toa now!

Solek: yeah, I noticed that. Just thought it was a clerical error.

Osram: Nope, just grabbed some toa stones and ka bam, superpowers. Dang, that was easy. Now, if only I could grow facial hair…

Carapar: Why would you want that?

Osram: Cause the miru was made for the beard of Rasputin.

Weapon: He’s got a good point there.

Ehlek: Well, now that we’ve got the introductions done, what do we do for the remaining third of a chapter?

SL: Steal your light. (hordes of shadow leeches surround them)

Solek: Oh great, not this again. Dude, do you remember what happened when you drained my light last time?

SL: Uhhhh…. Massive changes in personality and behavior? Mood swings? Hormonal imbalance? Shortness of breath? I’m drawing a blank on this one, just reading off my antidepressants.

Solek: Nothing changed. I was still as uncaring and rude as normal. All that changed was that my armor turned darker and I could shoot shadow. So, bring it little dudes. I’ll take you all on at once and go down fighting without a care, cause you are useless.

Ultimate Rhakshi (UR): Am I useless?

*commercial break*

Will Solek’s light be drained? Who’s this UR guy? Will I stop varying my punctuation due to my complete and utter laziness (the answer’s yes). Find out next time on….. Bionicle news.


Edited by Frezon, Nov 10 2015 - 11:33 AM.

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Bionicle news #2 Click it, you know you want to. It's a comedy. With awesome humor. And contests. And a shadow leech. Who's evil.
 

Snail Hydra


#5 Offline King of the Madness Isles

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Posted Oct 19 2011 - 09:28 PM

This comedy is actually funny. Maybe a little too much randomness at times, but then again, this is a normal comedy, not the epiccomedies I normally write and read.I like the fact that everything kills Kirop, like the portal appearing in his chest, and the sacrifice was hilarious.Try to watch your words though, it seems you lost proto. Don't wanna run out of that...But a very funny comedy, ironic, with a nice touch of dark humour. I'll definitely keep up with this one!This comedy is actually funny. Maybe a little too much randomness at times, but then again, this is a normal comedy, not the epiccomedies I normally write and read.I like the fact that everything kills Kirop, like the portal appearing in his chest, and the sacrifice was hilarious.Try to watch your words though, it seems you lost proto. Don't wanna run out of that...But a very funny comedy, ironic, with a nice touch of dark humour. I'll definitely keep up with this one!This comedy is actually funny. Maybe a little too much randomness at times, but then again, this is a normal comedy, not the epiccomedies I normally write and read.I like the fact that everything kills Kirop, like the portal appearing in his chest, and the sacrifice was hilarious.Try to watch your words though, it seems you lost proto. Don't wanna run out of that...But a very funny comedy, ironic, with a nice touch of dark humour. I'll definitely keep up with this one!
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"The moral of the story is, I chose a half measure when I should have gone all the way. I'll never make that mistake again. No more half measures Walter."


#6 Offline Lewa0111 Nuva

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Posted Oct 20 2011 - 12:16 AM

I don't seem to remember reading this comedy on the old forums. (Then again, I wasn't as active on the old forums). But now that I'm reading it here, I wonder how I could possibly have missed this! This is great! I loved everything to do with Solek's hilarious injuries, and I thought the characters were an interesting idea. (Avtoran and Barraki, not a pairing you see very often!) I also like the concept of Bionicle News, although we don't seem to have seen much actual "news" going on in the comedy. But that's okay, I assume the actual "news" part of the comedy will come later. I'll give this an 8/10. I'll be watching this! :mirunu: Lewa0111 Nuva :mirunu:
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#7 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Oct 20 2011 - 06:26 AM

Yay, comments! Just a few quick comments to the comments.killing kirop is my version of the south park joke where they always kill kenny. except in here, no one cares.Also, all thses chapters have been wrien for a while. I'm just reposting them. so plot suggestions will take a while to be implemented.@purple when it says "long string of expletives deleted..." thats actually something i wrote into the story. i haven't lost proto... yet.@lewa You'll be seeing some news not this chapter, but the next one. today its time for revenge...

 

Day 5

*fire and brimstone rain from the heavens, SL laughing maniacally*

SL: Oh, revenge is sweet. Like the pudding that I stole from Solek.

Solek: You monster!! Wait, revenge for what?

UR: My defeat, of course.

AN: Oh yeah. That.

*comedy flashback*

UR, aka Ultimate Rhakshi, was created by Brutaka through an act of pure violence. He went on a rampage in his attempts to defeat the Makuta and later the news team. But he lost. A lot. And apparently now he’s back.

*end el comedy flashback*

Ehlek: wait, Frezon hated UR. Why is he here now?

Carapar: maybe cause Frezon’s dead?

Solek: Yeah, should have thought that plan through a little more.

Carapar: But Frezon had no control over the comedy. I do.

Frezon’s ghost: Yeah, that’s pretty weird.

UR: Well, it matters little in the long run, as all of you will be in shallow graves by the end of my tyrannical reign.

Kirop: Eh, don’t care much. I’ve been in a grave before.

UR: SILENCE!!! (launches lightning blast at Kirop, he dies)

PR: Sigh. Really, do you really have to keep killing him? I don’t think that whenever Kirop speaks he should be killed.

Weapon: You’re right. (resurrects Kirop)

Kirop: hey I’m alive!

Kirop: And no one killed me when I spok- (gets killed by weapon)

AN: (grinds teeth) well, UR, get whatever diabolical plan you have over with, so we can all go to comedy otherworld.

SL: His diabolical plan? Oh, I don’t think so. (jumps onto UR, leeches power out of his body) MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! !!!! !!!!

UR: Darn. Should have seen that coming.

SL: Quite. Well, you know what’s coming, a new show! !!!

Solek: What’s it going to be this time? You went through soap operas and talk shows. Now what? The Shadow Leech sit-com? News flash loser, you wouldn’t be changing anything.

SL: No, the SHADOW LEECH NEWS SHOW! !!!! !!!! !!!!!!

Ehlek: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! !!!!

CM: Please, we’re begging you! Show mercy! !!!

SL: Mercy is for the weak. Now, Ehlek, you’re the host as normal. Solek, you’re the executive producer, aka the director’s slave, aka my slave. So get me some lemonade. Now, where’s that weather guy?

*meanwhile, in some far better comedy*

Vican: LOL Lewa just threw a pie at me!

Lewa: LOLZ

*Massive wormhole rips Vican from comedy, drops him in the studio*

SL: Ah, excellent. Here he is.

Vican: Oh, no, not here again!!! I did my penance for my mutating days by being in here for the last comedy, I’m not doing it again.

CM: Suck it up and be a man. It’s good comedy, watching scenes of torment.

UR: hey, can I be the sports guy? I think it would only be fitting, as I defeated Brutaka.

SL: Of course. Now let the show begin! !!!

*commercial break*

Will I actually be forced to write news? Will SL’s plot succeed? Who will be kidnapped next? Find out next time in…. Shadow Leech News! !!!! !!!!!!


Edited by Frezon, Nov 10 2015 - 12:24 PM.

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Bionicle news #2 Click it, you know you want to. It's a comedy. With awesome humor. And contests. And a shadow leech. Who's evil.
 

Snail Hydra


#8 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Oct 20 2011 - 04:36 PM

Day 6

AN: Welcome to Shadow leech news! Featuring Ehlek, UR with sports, and weather with Vican. Now, here’s Shadow leech news!

SL: Oh, beautiful!

Solek: (throwing up) wow, that was horrible.

Carapar: The fact that we have to actually tell the news?

Solek: No, SL talking. (gets lasered) ouch.

SL: Silence producer! Now continue.

UR: Okay, the time has come for better things. Namely, me. Now, in a recent Spikit fight, the reigning champion Mrs. Skrallz was defeated by Tru Dat. Unfortunately for the winner, it was disqualified on a technicality, as it only had one head.

Tru Dat was executed, roasted, and fed to three Skrall, all of whom were dead and resurrected by the Ignika in an attempt to entertain itself.

SL: Sweet, that’s a third of a chapter. Now all we need is weather.

Vican? Vican: (moping) it’s raining. Fire and brimstone. Because it’s the apocalypse.

*everyone looks outside, sees he’s telling the truth*

Hammox: Whoa, what the #$%^& is going on out there?

Weapon: Whatever it is, it looks fun! (runs outside, begins playing)

PR: really, what is happening?

Cahdok: Oh, nothing.

Gahdok: Just the beginning of our conquest of this universe as well. No biggie.

Osram: Oh, not you two. You were the causes of minor plot changes in the last comedy. You were effectively pointless.

SL: Quite true, but they make great news. So I decided to throw you guys some bones and get them over here.

*comedy flashback. Again. Get used to them*

Cahdok and Gahdok were the heads of a massive industrial conglomerate, Bohrok Inc. They conquered the minds of every customer in the universe, with a combination of cheap goods and krana, which actually took over the minds of the people. They were rather violent, and recruited many awesome people to their organization. Including Carapar, the most powerful being ever, who can slam a revolvin- hey, no manipulating the mind of the narrator.

*end el flashback de comedy*

SL: oops that’s the comedy. 300 words, wrap it up.

Carapar: Oh I don’t think so. (rips hole in the internet, pulls out over 100 words)

Kirop: wait a moment, if you ripped those words out, then where did they go?

Carapar: I’M NOT LISTENING TO LITTLE PEOPLE! !!!! (rips Kirop’s head off)

PR: (slams head on wall) I need a vacation.

Kirop’s head: Yeah, you’re telling me.

Ehlek: So in other news, Carapar recently decided to take an IQ test. He failed. However, after millions of widgets in bribes, he was raised a few hundred points so he could get at least a 48.

Carapar: I was wondering where all my monies went to.

SL: hey! We use proper English in here. No monies. And make sure you use your whos and whoms correctly.

Solek: To who?

SL: Like that. That should have been to WHOM.

Solek: I know. I just like annoying you.

Grammar nutcase: Hey! I like this SL guy. I’m joining your comedy.

-Commercial break-

Is Grammar nutcase a Guest star? (news flash, he isn’t) Will I use good grammar in the rest of the comedy? (tell me if you want it in the comments. Otherwise the next chapter is written by a 4 year old) What’s up with my obsession with parentheses? ()()()()()((()()))(()((()( Find out next time on… BIONICLE NEWS!! ! !! !! !! !!


Edited by Frezon, Nov 10 2015 - 12:28 PM.

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Bionicle news #2 Click it, you know you want to. It's a comedy. With awesome humor. And contests. And a shadow leech. Who's evil.
 

Snail Hydra


#9 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Oct 22 2011 - 07:25 PM

Day 7

SL: (Missiles raining from his fortress) MUHAHAHAHAHAH

Solek: What the #$%^& is going on here?

AN: The leech has gone off the deep end again. He built a giant citadel that he expects us to come in and do the news.

Carapar: Is there pizza in there? Cause I like pizza.

SL: Uhhhh… sure. (rips Pizza Hut out of dimensional space) Now start cooking, pizza dudes!

Pizza man: Hack ach retch blek (dies of oxygen deprivation).

Ehlek: Oh yeah. Our atmosphere is different than that of earth.

SL: Yeah, my bad.

PR: Oh god. We kill more people off than The Vampire Diaries.

Weapon: Yeah, pretty much. It’s a great show, so we stole some ideas. Like killing people and bringing them back as vampires.

Hammox: Wait, who’s a vampire?

Kirop: Me of course. Didn’t anyone notice my fangs?

SL: And me. Really, you guys never notice these things.

AN: Good point. So, are we going in?

UR: No. It’s a trap! (Gets shot repeatedly by Osram’s lightning, Hammox’s lasers, and weapon’s lowest staff setting) Sorry. It was too good an opportunity.

Jigsaw: Relax. I’m his interior decorator, so you know nothing can go wrong.

CM: Nothing to worry about then! (Marches into skull shaped gates past blackened skeletons, Nine Inch Nails music playing in the background)

Cahdok and Gahdok: Gave up trying to figure it out now but my head got lost along the way!

Ehlek: Hey! You aren’t Trent Reznor. (Gates shut behind news team)

Osram: This is a horrible idea.

SL: Sure Osram, be a party pooper. Everyone else is having fun, why not you?

Solek: I’m not having fun you #$^#$ !!! (giant tentacles wrapped around him, crushing him to the wall)

Weapon: Whoa. That might hurt. Not as much as getting shot at with my staff, but still, that probably hurt.

Carapar: I’ll save you! (launches energy blast at the wall, rips a hole in dimensional space, sucks the News team through)

AN: Great, not another one of these. *team in massive pixilated world filled with cubes of varying colors and stacked in weird formations to form shapes*

Weapon: hey! If it weren’t so pixilated, this would look like a tree.

Ehlek: What’s this blue speckled rock? (Hits it a few times, it shatters and forms 4 lapis lazuli pellets) LAPIS LAZULI?!?!?!? What is this useful for?!? This is #$%^&^%$.

Kirop: Yeah. (Weird rectangular prism with cube feet and a weird head comes up behind him, blows up) urgh ack :dies:

SL: Still no emoticon for death, guys. Come on, code that already.

Carapar: Oh, Kirop, watch out for the Creepers. We’re playing on hard right now.

PR: Playing what? Carapar: Minecraft, of course. Now, (Pulls out obsidian pickaxe, axe, shovel, hoe, and armor) let’s build our house! The skeletons come out at sunset, and their arrows hurt.

Solek: of course they do.

-Commercial break-

Will the news team ever get out of Minecraft world? Will the leech try to take over Minecraft world too? Will I come up with a not-so-witty abbreviation for Minecraft world? Find out next time on….. BIONICLE NEWS! !!!


Edited by Frezon, Nov 10 2015 - 01:20 PM.

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Bionicle news #2 Click it, you know you want to. It's a comedy. With awesome humor. And contests. And a shadow leech. Who's evil.
 

Snail Hydra


#10 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Oct 23 2011 - 08:22 PM

Note: if you don’t play Minecraft, you will find the beginning of this chapter unintelligible. You have been warned.

Day 8

Solek: You know, I just realized something.

AN: What’s that? That Minederverse really sucks? I mean, everything comes in cubes around here, even the water. It sucks. (tries drinking cube of water, almost drowns)

Solek: No, that every chapter is headed by a day, but that makes no sense, as Frezon isn’t writing these on consecutive days, and we sure as heck aren’t going through that many days.

Carapar: Well, thinking time is over. Now, our house is ready! Everything is right where it belongs.

Ehlek: Thank Zeus. I need a nap. (tries to sleep) What the?!?!? “You can only sleep at night”? What is this?

Weapon: What it seems like. You have to stay awake all day. You should go mining!

CM: Oh, go underground and get killed by creepers? Yeah, great plan.

Kirop’s had to respawn like 20 times already because of them.

Kirop: No, I was killed by a ghast once. It spawned outside the Nether just to kill me.

SL: Suxs to be you, dude.

PR: Why did you spell sucks like that?

SL: So the grammar police come and arrest me, getting me out of this universe and starting my next plan to conquer the universe.

AN: Makes sense. I’d do that too if I were you.

Grammar police: Freeze! This is the police.

Hammox: Wow; that was fast,

GP (see how lazy I am?): You’re going down too hambone, for improper use of semicolons and commas!

*Minederverse ripped apart by the force of the grammatical errors*

Osram: Oh, isn’t that convenient. Every time Frezon is away for too long or just wants to stop writing he just destroys the universe we’re in currently. Smooth move, dude, smooth move.

Frezon’s ghost: yeah, but at least I pay attention to past events when I write and don’t contradict the laws of physics.

*entire universe howls in laughter*

PR: Well, let’s get to some news. Ehlek?

Ehlek: Well, while we were busy randomizing it up in Minederverse, Bohrok Inc. took over the universe again. Their most recent product release was the new and improved Flood pets. These little guys no longer attack you with vicious hunger in their attempts to assimilate you into the consciousness of the Gravemind, and instead play backgammon with you. Let’s go to product tester Kirop to see how it works out.

Kirop: AHHHHH THEY’RE EATING ME ALI- grak urgh blat (gets turned into Flood-Kirop)

AN: Cut to commercial.

-Commercial break-

Will the Flood take over the world? Will I run out of ideas? Why the heck was bzp down so long? Find out next time in….. BIONICLE NEWS!! !!


Edited by Frezon, Nov 10 2015 - 01:29 PM.

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#11 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Feb 04 2013 - 04:16 PM

Day (

 

PR: Frezon, you hit the shift key too much.  That should be 9, not opening parentheses.

 

Ehlek: Does that even matter?!?  The flood are taking over our universe, killing and zombifying everyone in sight!

 

AN: Well, we’ve barricaded the doors so they can’t get in here.

 

Carapar:  Flood?  Awww, those guys are so cute.  Here, you should play with them. (opens box of Flood, they begin to attack)

 

Hammox: *High pitched scream*  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES1!!

 

*everyone barricades himself in the broom cupboard, locking out the news team*

 

Solek: Oh, thanks everyone for taking our only way of survival.

 

Hammox: Ok, we need to fight the flood off.  So I’ve designed DMR’s which we can use to kill these parasites.(hands out weapons while Flood coalesce)

 

Weapon: This isn’t too shabby.  I guess I can lower myself to using it.

 

Vican:  (Still moping) In weather, there are showers of slime throughout the studio from the recently created Gravemind.

 

Gravemind: man, I really need a shower.  So, how’s life?

 

AN: You’re kidding right?  Frezon can’t hate us that much.

 

Frezon’s Ghost: Hey, you killed me.

 

Solek: well, technically, the leech killed you.  We just were plotting your demise.  Speaking of which, where is that parasite?

 

Gravemind: Hey, parasite is an offensive term.  We prefer “people who rely on the unwilling generosity of others.”

 

SL: Hey, I see you’ve met my old friends, G-man. 

 

Ehlek: You’re friends with this thing?!?

 

Gravemind: That’s not nice either.  (wraps tentacle around Ehlek, misses, crushes BZP server)

 

SL: Well, they’ll probably fix that soon

 

*4 months later*

 

 

 

 

Solek: WHAT THE #^$^*^?!?!?!?  4 MONTHS?!?!?

 

Gravemind:  oops.  My bad.  Didn’t think that would take so long.

 

Solek: well, the lovely readers at bzp were denied 4 months of me, so I need to get my face out there more (teleports into alternate comedy reality)

 

SL: Well, since he’s gone… I AM INVINICIBLE!!!!!! (gets squished by Ehlek yet again) Come on!

 

Gravemind: hey, that’s not very nice.  Stepping on people is very insulting.

 

Hammox: This guy is gonna get on our nerves.  So, any news up?

 

UR: Well, in sports, the Po-Metru Avengers were crushed by the Nynrah Ghosts in  a recent football game.  Literally.  Unfortunately for the ghosts, they took so long building the crushing machine they lost, 49 to 7.

 

Ehlek: thanks for that UR.  Now Vican, I hear we are getting some rain later tonight?

 

Vican: No.  Global warming has caused a massive drought and we’re all going to die of dehydration.  Life is meaningless.

 

CM: Vican, you need to become happier.  You’re killing our ratings.

 

Weapon: Seriously bro.  Get on some antidepressants or something.

 

Gravemind: Woah, I am appalled at your approval of the use of drugs.  They’re, like, so mainstream.

 

AN: Are you a hipster now?  A minute ago you were just insulted by everything.

 

Gravemind: Hey, Frezon stopped writing this comedy for over a year, there’s bound to be some characters that he forgot to develop that he needs to completely change.

 

Frezon’s Ghost: Yeah, and on the topic, I need to kill some of you off.

 

-Commercial Break-

 

 

Who will Frezon kill?

 

Where did Solek go (hint: Look up “Solek’s Story”)

 

Is the Gravemind really a hipster?

 

Find out next time on… Bionicle news!!!!


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#12 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Dec 08 2015 - 09:37 PM

Day 10

 

Solek: Look who decided to show up.

 

SL: Me?  I’m always here, watching you.  Every move you make, every breath you take…

 

Solek: No, our glorious deceased author, Frezon.  Apparently he got bored of watching anime and decided to read some fanfics.  Horrified at the blatant sexualization of beloved characters and cringing at the terrible writing, he decided to come back here and write us some chapters, ignoring the blatant hypocrisy contained in the action.

 

Carapar: I didn’t read any of that.  Way too long.  Make me a TL;DR please.

 

AN: Basically what he said is that we’ve been brought out of limbo by Frezon to perform as his puppets once more.

 

PR: Which means we need everyone to get back in their places.  Frezon’s dismembered body doesn’t take kindly to randomness anymore, ever since the great fiasco of October ’13…

 

Ehlek: Ooo, what happened then?

 

Gravemind: Beats me.  I didn’t even think I was an actual character until this line.

 

Frezon: Yeah, neither did I.  Well, I’m still going to kill one of you off soon.

 

Solek: Really?  Do you remember what happened the last time you killed someone off?

 

Vican: They died a horrible painful death that led to them not going to any sort of afterlife because existence is meaningless?

 

SL: Wow, that was a downer statement.  No, the last person Frezon killed was me in another comedy, and I just came back as a ghost and took over the universe. 

 

Frezon: And then you all killed me in revenge.

 

CM: Well, you kinda deserve it.

 

AN: Listen idiots, our ratings are terrible, mainly because of Vican and the fact that we’re never on air, but also because we never tell the &*%$(^& news

 

Weapon: I’ve never told the news in my entire life.  To be honest, I’m not actually sure why I’m here.

 

Kirop: Yeah, same here.  Am I only good for a comedic relief character that dies a lot?

 

Carapar: No, no, nooo… yeah (Kirop dragged out of the studio by a horde of flood infested Hero Factory guys).

 

Ehlek: Listen guys, I’m the news anchor and all of you are first Carapar's slaves, but then mine.

 

Solek: Yeah, not happening loser.  You might be able to trick idiots like UR into listening to you-

 

UR: Hey that’s mean.

 

Solek: -but the rest of us are only in this because Frezon decided at one time to toss us into this comedy because he thought it would be funny.  And now he can’t get us out.

 

Frezon: Actually I can kill you off (with Carapar’s permission).  If I do that, thanks to the Necromonger rules I put in here I get your place because you keep what you kill.

 

Gravemind: I can attest to that.  I get the memories of all those posers I absorb into my collective.  Also, Frezon, dude, you really don’t know how to write hipsters.

 

SL: Seriously man.  But I see 2 flaws in your logic Frezon: first, we kill Kirop daily and none of us suck.  And second, I killed you and didn’t get any of your powers.  Or maybe I did and my lack of any sort of functioning reason prohibits me from using them.  Huh.

 

Carapar: He never had any powers to begin with silly.

 

UR: IN SPORTS TODAY I PLAYED SOME BADMITON VERSUS THE BAHRAG QUEENS.

 

AN: Wow, I never thought I’d say this, but good work keeping us on track UR.

 

Solek: Why bother staying on track? Frezon doesn’t even know what “track” we were supposed to be on.  Seriously, Vican might have the right idea here, our reality sure is pointless.

 

Vican: Told you so.  Life is naught but pain.  I know it best.

 

Ehlek: Well this got depressing fast.

 

*Commercial Break*

 

Will the show descend in sadness?

 

Will Vican reign supreme?

 

Is this updating thing going to be a regular occurrence?

 

Find out next time on…. BIONICLE NEWS!!!!

 

 


Edited by Lord Frezon, Dec 08 2015 - 09:39 PM.

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#13 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Dec 09 2015 - 01:16 PM

Day 11

 

Solek: Darn it I was just getting used to my pension.

 

AN: Well we’ve been called out of retirement.  Frezon has a paper to write and obviously he doesn’t want to do it so we have to get back on TV and tell the news, or spew randomness, or whatever it is we do these days.

 

SL: We’ve been on TV? Good lord, I thought the FCC had some say over us, aren’t we supposed to at least have a rating of some sort?

 

Gravemind: Actually that’s a common misunderstanding, the FCC doesn’t actually limit what can be said as long as you’re on a non-public station, so we could be completely nude telling the news and no one would care.

 

SL: I am completely nude.

 

Ehlek: Awkward…

 

PR: You’re telling me.  Look guys, I know we’ve been free for a while, but Frezon pays good money for our suffering so come on out of your holes and tell the news with us.

 

Frezon: That’s LORD Frezon now, I changed my name.

 

Carapar: You can change your name all you want, I still rule over this godforsaken husk of a realm, observing the crawling insects in the dir-oh wait, I’m supposed to be stupid in this comedy.  Anyone have pizza?  Ignore that previous stuff, it’ll make your head hurt like it made mine.

 

UR: Really?  It looks pretty sus-

 

*previous minute removed from everyone’s head*

 

Everyone: Woah, how’d I get here

 

Weapon: Oh yeah, I had forgotten he was a character Frezon brought in from time to time to make that terrible joke.

 

*Previous minute thirty removed from every single being’s mind*

 

Lord Frezon: That’s LORD Frez- oh it already got added to my speech tag.  Cool.

 

CM: Yep, it’s showing up on screen.  Anyway, can we get some mindless violence up in this place?  The reviews are tanking because only old people watch the news these days, you need excitement to bring in the youth.

 

Solek: Good point, KIROP WE NEED YOU!

 

Kirop: What is it?  Are you going to brutally murder me again?

 

Solek: No, I’m not.  Weapon will though.

 

Weapon: Haven’t used my staff in a while (vaporizes Kirop, reforms him, and vaporizes him again) Ahhhhh good times.

 

Ehlek: I still can’t believe how short 300 words is.  Is that even still a rule around here?

 

Lord Frezon: Don’t know, don’t care.  I’m not risking getting banned 8 years after I started my service here.

 

Osram: Yeah, that would be a REAL shame (rolls eyes)

 

Hammox: It’s good to know we’re still characters though, buddy.  I was worried we were the ones Frezon was going to kill.

 

SL: Oh you just HAD to bring that up, didn’t you?  I’m at the top of the chopping block buddy, he’s tried it before; he’ll try it again.

 

Lord Frezon: Actually I killed Vican already, he was killing our ratings.

 

Solek: Yeah, that was what killed the ratings, I’m sure.

 

Vican: I’m still alive though.  Sadly.  Though I read this great author name Nietzsche, let me tell-

 

Carapar: nononononono I tried reading him once and my brain exploded.

 

Ehlek: Yeah, and we actually have news for once.  Our universe got retconned.

 

 

-Commercial Break-

 

Was this chapter actually funny? (no lol)

 

Will I actually respect continuity? (lolol no)

 

Will I post more chapters? (Sadly, most likely)

 

Find out next time on… BIONiCLE NEWS!!!!!

 

 

Now sponsored by Apple

 

Gravemind: Sellout.


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#14 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Jan 09 2016 - 05:25 PM

Day 12

 

SL: So, none of us exist?

 

Ehlek: Apparently so.  Ever since we kicked out all the original toa and Teridax, they must have gotten mad and decided to make a new universe, with blackjack and-

 

AN: ALRIGHT we get the picture. 

 

PR: More importantly, how will this affect our viewership?  Because I need a paycheck to keep this going, I’m not a charity.

 

Lord Frezon: Actually you seem to have forgotten you’re all primarily Carapar’s slaves, but also my slaves.  So you don’t get paid.

 

SL: Dude, that’s like against the 33rd amendment or something.  I should sue.

 

Ehlek: I think you mean the 13th.

 

SL: No, the 33rd.  It’s the 13th in America, but in our universe it’s the 33rd.

 

Solek: Let me check this… (flips through Bionicle Constitution) Oh.  What do you know.  The leech was right for once.

 

AN: The leech is right a depressingly large amount of the time.

 

Carapar: But what are we going to do about our whole universe not existing anymore?

 

Weapon: What we do best, buddy.  Threaten and bluster until we get our way.  Or at least we’ll threaten.  Everyone else will bluster, for they lack our all-consuming power.’

 

Hammox: whoa whoa buddy, you’re not the only one with weapons of mass destruction.

 

Osram: Yeah, Iraq has them too.

 

Hammox: I’ve got myself multiple augmented exo-toa that I’ve been waiting to test out on unsuspecting civvies, but using them on someone we can threaten to get our universe back sounds like a valid use.

 

Kirop: Well, at least they’re not being used on me.

 

Weapon: Bad news buddy, we need to make sure everything is operational. (Blasts Kirop with staff set to max power, disintegrates him, then atomizes the ashes)

 

AN: Can we PLEASE keep the violence to a minimum?  We’re already toeing the line of PG-13.  Lord Frezon uses way too much dark humor.

 

Lord Frezon: These *REDACTED* mods won’t take away my proto, they’re a bunch of *REDACTED* (Lord Frezon’s proto reduced by 50.  Taunt us more little man)

 

Ehlek: Haha get banned n00b.

 

AN: Stop laughing, if he gets banned we lose our tenuous hold on reality, and more importantly, our paychecks.  So we need to ensure that our reality remains anchored to the new Bionicle reality in whatever way possible.

 

Solek: I don’t like where this is going.

 

PR: Face it Solek, we need a new character.

 

SL: Like, a new character from the new Bionicle? This is gonna be fun!

 

Vican: New things are terrible.  Much like life itself.

 

Osram: Dude, you really need to chill out.

 

Solek: So, who’s it gonna be? More importantly, who the ^&*#$@ are these characters?  I haven’t been paying attention at all.

 

Lord Frezon: Woah woah woah! We’re not having any more cheap knockoff characters in my amazing comedy.  I built this around a core group of characters-

 

Ehlek: Who you mainly killed off.

 

Lord Frezon: Irrelevant! I only include characters I like.  Along with those Carapar wants.

 

Carapar: And I want new buddies.

 

PR: That’s settled then.  We’re having tryouts.

 

 

-Commercial Break-

 

Who will be the unlucky character selected for this terrible comedy?

 

Why have I wrote this for over 8 years now?

 

How will I kill Kirop next time?

 

Find out in the next thrilling episode of… DRAGON BIONICLE NEWS Z!!!!!

 

Now sponsored by Android.

 

Gravemind: Bigger sellout.


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Bionicle news #2 Click it, you know you want to. It's a comedy. With awesome humor. And contests. And a shadow leech. Who's evil.
 

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