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Solek's Story

probably my best work ever

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2 replies to this topic

#1 Offline Lord Frezon

Lord Frezon
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Posted Oct 17 2011 - 11:08 PM

My name is Solek.  If you have any cerebral matter left, you’ll recognize me as the amazing main character of the “Bionicle News” series of comedies by Frezon.   If you don’t recognize me, whatever.  I’ll be conquering the world soon with my charm and good looks.

Now, after hacking Frezon’s account and stealing his computer, I decided to post a comedy under his name.  This is it.  So enjoy, or else.

Also, go to review Bionicle news v2, mock Frezon, praise me, and then request that the comedy be replaced by just me talking.  Now enjoy.

Super Solek Fighter Man

            Solek stood up from the trenches of Metru Nui, wielding a covenant carbine and holding a plasma cannon with one hand.  “I love the smell of kraata in the morning.” He announced, setting his weapons down on the decomposing bodies of several Rhakshi.  He was about 8 feet tall and was ripped out of anyone’s mind.   He grabbed a few Rahkshi heads and began to practice his juggling skills, as he was to demonstrate his skills at the camp talent show the next day.

As he surveyed the field of carnage, Solek’s far less fit assistant Kirop emerged from the trench, coughing and hacking.  “Wow, this place sucks,” he said when he finished, “Where’s all the babes that you said would be coming Solek?”

            Solek sighed.  Oh, the stupidity of the cannon fodder.  “I told you, Kirop, the babes are at base.  Now shut up and carry my weapons.”  With that, Solek the Magnificent dropped all his supplies on Kirop, then proceeded to walk away slowly and purposefully, while myriad explosions raged in the background.

*          *          *

            The dynamic duo (alright, the Dynamic Solek and lame-o Kirop) walked into the main city, which had been taken over by the military.  Vahki roamed the streets, alerting the kill squads of any potential Rhakshi invaders.  Solek, knowing the enemy best, was the leader of Alpha Squad, which consisted of Him, Kirop, and 4 other now deceased members, all of whom had been killed by Solek for their ammo.  They were bad shots, so he had considered it a good plan.  But now he needed a new team.  One with passion, with bravado, with power.-          

            “Hey Carapar,” Solek said to his new second in command.  Carapar was a beast, with ridiculous muscles and two massive machine guns strapped to his shoulders, and could count to infinity, twic- HEY!  No manipulating the minds of narrators.  Anyway, Carapar was pretty good.

            Carapar made some grunting noises, clicking and speaking much like the guys from District 9.  He kinda looked like them too, but whatever.  “I hear you man,” Solek replied, really having no idea what the savage said but agreeing with him anyway. “Look, do you want to join my team?  We’re first in line at Pizza night.” Carapar perked up.  He loved pizza, so Solek’s promises went straight to his brain, at least what was left of it.  He nodded vigorously, and Solek smiled.  “Great.  Come down to the airfield tomorrow.  We’re taking it to them.

            As Solek walked, he nodded seductively at several of the babes standing around.  It was a good life he had.  But it had been better.  He had been king of the world (figuratively speaking), with tons of 3chicks and no worries.  But then the evil Dr. S. Leech, king of the world (literally), began his conquests, using the remaining Rhakshi to carry out his deeds, which mainly included kidnapping Solek and bringing him to the Dictator’s lair.  So Solek had a plan.  He would offer up himself as bait to find the location of this lair, then escape, come back to the Nui, and lead a team to go and kick rectum, ending the reign of this terror.

*          *          *

            It was morning, and Solek and Kirop were waiting for Carapar.  He entered, followed by an equally as brutish fellow, a large creature completely covered in armor, carrying a massive staff and a ridiculously large scythe.  “Who’s that guy?” Solek asked Kirop, not familiar with all the lesser warriors of the force.  “Oh, that’s Weapon.   Legend says, that no one has ever seen his face.  He only shows it to the people he’s about to kill.  And he never talks.  Legend says-”

            “Yeah, whatever.” Solek interrupted, measuring up this Weapon fellow.  He seemed good enough, and looked to be pretty strong.  “Alright, you three,” He said confidently and manlyly, “You will be in this craft.  I want you to follow the Rhakshi patrol that captures me.  When I give the signal, you are to come and pick me up.  The we leave.  Any questions.”

Kirop raised his hand. “Yeah, boss, what’s the signal?”

“A burst of thunder.  It’ll be my fist taking off a Rhakshi’s head and pulling out the orange hand piece.  Anything else?”  There was nothing, so Solek smiled. “Good.  Now let’s boogie.”


To be continued….

Edited by Frezon, Nov 10 2015 - 01:31 PM.

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Bionicle news #2 Click it, you know you want to. It's a comedy. With awesome humor. And contests. And a shadow leech. Who's evil.

Snail Hydra

#2 Offline Lord Frezon

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Posted Oct 18 2011 - 10:19 AM

“Hey Solek, I think they’re shooting at us.”

            “No, really, you think?  How about you go outside and check?”

            As observant Kirop had discovered, their hovercraft was being bombarded by a barrage of bohrok.  Aside from being alliterative, the projectiles were taking quite a toll on the armor of the ship.

            “Okay, here’s my stop,” Solek announced, racking his carbine.  “Now remember, drop back, then follow me from a distance.  You know when to pick me up.”  With that, Solek dived from the ship, shooting random Rhakshi with a Glock, screaming like a banshee.  Of course, he was killed instantly.

            “Oh, $%&%,” said Weapon, breaking the whole not talking thing, and looking at Solek’s body lying lifeless on the ground.  “Should we pick him up now?”

            “URghsbgak” replied Carapar, steering the ship back.

            “Yeah, but Carapar,” Kirop said, “He never said anything about dying.  Maybe he changed the plan.”  He was silenced by the crab man with a quick look, then meekly sat down.  “Just saying.”

            Solek was indeed dead when he was picked up by the Rhakshi.  No man, no matter how awesome, can survive a 500 foot fall while being shot at with bohrok.  Luckily, one of the Rhakshi that captured him was of the lightning type, so he was resuscitated with a quick jolt.   Awakening, he noticed two things.  One, that he was inside a dark room with no hovercraft in sight, and two, that he was tied down with kraata. 

            “Hello Solek,” said a booming deep voice, “It’s nice to see you.”

            “Leech,” Solek yelled, “Show yourself!”

            “Nah.  Not feeling it.  I mean, it’s not truly a dark atmosphere yet.  Give it a few seconds, let my legions of terror fill the room, maybe a few Skakdi, then we’ll talk.  You want some tea?”

            “Never!” Solek struggled as Rhakshi poured into the room from several very large faucets.

            “Psych!  You ain’t gettin- wait, you didn’t want any?”  the leech sounded rather hurt.

            “No.  I accept tea from no evil dude.”

            “Wow.  That really hurts my feelings.”

            “You wouldn’t have given it to me anyways, “Solek pointed out as he found his mini knife and began to saw through the kraata.

            “Please.  I’m a gracious host.  Like you will be in just a matter of minutes!!” The leech laughed maniacally as a beam of light shown done from the very far away ceiling.  Solek and the Rhakshi stared upward as a dark elevator descended in the beam of light.  The elevator completed its descent, and a small cape-wearing creature exited the device. “Wow.  You’re taller than I imagined said the great S. Leech,” said the leech.

            “Huh?” Solek asked, now free but concealing it, when the hovercraft blew a massive hole into the citadel.  Huge chunks of rubble fell from the hole, crushing several Rhakshi.  The remaining servants of darkness proceeded to fly up to the craft, which began firing bolts of plasma at the approaching creatures.

            “Hey boss!” Kirop yelled as he shot at a Rhakshi, which shrieked as it fell from the sky, smushing one of its compatriots.  “We’re here to pick you up.”

            “DESTROOOOY THEMMMMMM!!!” shrieked the leech, unintuitively grabbing a fallen staff with his little armless body.  He began firing bolts of energy at the ship and Solek, but Solek, with his really athletic body, kicked a Skakdi into the leech, preventing all the blasts from doing damage.  He then proceeded to jump into the craft, and screamed at all the people in it to take off before someone killed them.

            “TAKE OFF BEFORE SOMEONE KILLS US!!!!!!!” Solek yelled, and Weapon proceeded to do just that, smashing the accelerator with his giant fist and rocketing them through the other side of the citadel, leaving the leech screaming behind them. 

To be continued….

Edited by Frezon, Nov 10 2015 - 01:31 PM.

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Bionicle news #2 Click it, you know you want to. It's a comedy. With awesome humor. And contests. And a shadow leech. Who's evil.

Snail Hydra

#3 Offline Lord Frezon

Lord Frezon
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  • 05-November 07
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Posted Oct 22 2011 - 07:14 PM

The craft was utterly demolished.  Only through the sheer force of will, a blue spell, and one life were they able to bring it back to the Metru.  Once there, general Axonn met with Solek in the hangar as random Matoran scavenged the ship for any scrap metal that they could sell to look for more scrap metal. 

“Get away from here,” commanded Axonn in the voice of a rock star, “and bring me a large cup of energized protodermis.  I have much thirst.”

“Hey sir,” Kirop said, saluting, only to be pushed out of the way by Solek and his much more important conversation.

“General, we have the location of the leech’s citadel.  We have to strike now while they are still unprepared,” Solek announced, saluting the general.

“Whoa, brosef, how did you figure this out?” Axonn asked, letting out a sweet blast of rock on his ax/guitar.

“Didn’t you read chapter two?  We don’t have time to explain now!”  Solek was exasperated and hungry, just a minor side effect of dying.  “Look, let me lead the crusade against the leech.  We can crush him now, while he’s repairing his fortress.”

“Oh, I tore that dump down,” said the leech casually from a giant balloon in the sky, raining Rhakshi and Skakdi down onto the land, “I really hated the décor.  Too black for me.  Pastels are all the rage now.”

“How did you find us?” yelled Solek, somehow getting his hands on a megaphone instantaneously. 

“You have a flashing sign pointing to the city that says “Home of the Resistance to the Leech”.  And I thought I had a huge ego.”

“Good point there.  So, now what?”

“Now, you and I have a fight to the death to determine the fate of the universe while our armies who really hold the key to the universe clash uselessly.”

“Sounds cool!” Kirop said excitedly, grabbing a machete and running carelessly into battle, where he was slaughtered instantly by an Elite with an energy sword.

“Oh, no, please, help him someone blah blah,” Solek muttered by rote as he rose toward the leech’s balloon on a solid light escalator. 

When he came to the top, he was nearly deafened by the Lady Gaga that the leech had blaring.  “Baby I was born this way!” screamed out of the speakers while the leech danced with a mace tucked under his… flipper? Appendage?  Seriously, what does he hold stuff with?  Anyway, Solek pulled out his katana, which had seemed a good weapon until he figured out that he would be fighting a mace, which was like the worst matchup in the world, worse than control vs Cloudpost (hugely in favor of Cloudpost).  And Solek was on the side of the control now.

“Dang,” he muttered, “Well, guess I have to cheat.”  With that, he pulled out a cordak blaster and shot the leech.

“HEY!” Yelled the omnipresent Frezon, “No Deux ex machinas in my stories.”

“Whatever loseron.  This is my story, not yours.”

“Under my account.  I’m not always inactive, you know.”

“Lies.  You’re never here.”

Unfortunately for the plot of this story, while this argument occurred, the leech, who had only been stunned by the blast, squirmed away.  Thus, when Solek looked to finish off his mortal enemy, he saw only a small note.


I.O.U. one epic battle

-Lord leech, the magnificent, who rules over all of space and much of time, the conqueror of the following realms: The southern continent, Daxia, earth, mars, Hershey, nestle, pretty much all of mata nui’s body, brain, and soul; Cuba, Reach, Hoth, Soviet Russia, where strangely everything seems to do its action to me instead of me doing the action to the thing; I’ve assumed most of you have stopped reading by now, so here’s some blatant religious flaming, oh snap fooled you there, ever considered I’m more awesome than your  breakfast; the Aeons torn, Infinite Gyre, Butcher of Truth, master chief, master chef, etc. etc.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Screamed Solek in frustration.

The rather anticlimactic end

Part 2:


Edited by Frezon, Nov 10 2015 - 01:34 PM.

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Bionicle news #2 Click it, you know you want to. It's a comedy. With awesome humor. And contests. And a shadow leech. Who's evil.

Snail Hydra

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