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Fruitful

Fruitful Bohrok Haecceity

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#1 Offline Haecceity Jam

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Posted May 28 2013 - 09:29 AM

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He was warm, so very warm...Rivulets of sweat poured down his arm-or was it his leg? He couldn't tell anymore. No, not in the whiteness-not in the pain that would not stop. Like the tides it came, slowly but surely every day. He remembered the tides, as he remembered the dark. He remembered that sweet musk that permeated the air, and how the Turaga would touch the flame and invoke its spirit, making it shine with a light that dispelled fear, dancing with the ripples of countless colours. Now the pain and the warmth were the only things left...Warmth...He chuckled to himself. Warmth couldn't begin to describe the searing sensation he felt every moment, the agony that burned with a fierce passion, the countless fires worming their way through his veins. He wished he had someone else to see, someone to share the pain and the whiteness with.Wait-there were others. They-it was so hard to remember...they fought the Shadow. He could remember the Shadow, he who took the form of Matoran, he of the endless destruction.Destruction...?Cleansing...The warmth ebbed away, leaving a dark void-but the pain remained, flooding his body, overtaking his mind. In the darkness shapes formed, swirling around him, piercing his flesh and morphing into grotesque shapes. The Hive beckoned...The Bohrok looked down at the incapacitated Matoran struggling with the Krana attached to it. The job was completed satisfactorily. The cleaning of the sector could continue. Waving its shield-plates at the others, it signaled for the new recruit to be moved to the other Joiners. Soon, murmured the Hive, soon the cleansing would be complete. Soon, oh so soon, Function would be fulfilled. Clicking in unison, the Bohrok raised their shield-plates to the sky, stamping as a hum filled the air. Each one communicated its pleasure to the others as the group silently chanted: Fulfill the Function! Obey the Purpose! Clean all!The Matoran looked up at this gathering, consciousness flickering back, yet still repressed by the Hive's control. It was somehow amusing to see Bohrok behaving like this, like so many spectators at a Kohlii game. Maybe they weren't as foreign as they seemed... As he marched with the others, he thought-and as he thought, he kept reaching the same conclusion. The Bohrok society was not so different from that of his own-perhaps it was even better.Time passed, and the lone Matoran labored side by side with the Bohrok, working and observing. As he watched, his mind fell into the patterns his Krana provided him-the presence of the Hive in his psyche a constant comfort. Every day that passed seemed to reinforce his belief in the advantages of a central mind, and each day he remembered less...

 

It didn't matter, though-the Matoran he once was could only be flawed, broken-he could see that now. All he needed was the Hive...all anyone needed was the Hive. The Hive was almighty-the Hive would show them the Purpose. Acceptance would free everyone-the Turaga and Toa were fools. How did the island even survive under the protection of those doddering leaders? Why, even now, the Turaga wouldn't even tell them where they came from, or how they knew of Mata Nui. This would never happen if the island embraced the Hive...embraced it as he did. For the Hive was the answer to all problems, the fruitful solution. It was...beautiful...it was...everythingIt was...gorgeous destruction...


Edited by Haecceity, Jul 05 2013 - 02:30 PM.

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9181001334_fd8cffbeed_o.jpg

Vile terror, fearless blight
Haunting ghast, piercing light
Glow or shine or radiate
Sparkle, creep, reveal to sight
Human eyes so weak
To see and then to seek
Meaning for their rights
 

#2 Offline Jedi Gali

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Posted Jun 01 2013 - 10:48 PM

Your description of the Tohunga's slow but sure transformation of mind and purpose was... eerie. But beautifully written. Beautifully haunting. Well done.

 

:kaukau: [color=#0000ff;]-JG[/color]


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Toa of the New Republic ~ The Collision of Two Worlds

The body of Orkham dangling from a vine. Shamiir’s corpse, his chest nearly split in half. One by one, the bodies of his friends and squad mates flashed by till he realized the horrible truth... They were all dead but two.
...

Murder From Within

#3 Offline Haecceity Jam

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Posted Jun 02 2013 - 12:39 PM

Why, thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed the story- it's a concept I've been toying around with for a while, and I wasn't sure how it would be received.
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9181001334_fd8cffbeed_o.jpg

Vile terror, fearless blight
Haunting ghast, piercing light
Glow or shine or radiate
Sparkle, creep, reveal to sight
Human eyes so weak
To see and then to seek
Meaning for their rights
 

#4 Offline DuplexBeGreat

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Posted Jun 06 2013 - 08:28 PM

Interesting concept and very well written, but do we know that Matoran sweat?
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bionicle_210x227_portalfranchisecard_sti
HYPE TRAIN IS PICKING UP SPEED
ALL HAIL THE HYPE

#5 Offline Haecceity Jam

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Posted Jun 07 2013 - 10:45 AM

Interesting concept and very well written, but do we know that Matoran sweat?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I seem to recall sweating being mentioned in the books, and I know it was mentioned by Brutaka in Into The Darkness... "Now I guess you could say my vision's improved and I just want to see you sweat." (Although he was referring to Teridax in this context, I assume his comment applies to most inhabitants of the MU, seeing as he brought it up offhand and in the middle of a battle. I doubt he was racking his brain for information about some obscure biological process specific to Makuta, implying that other beings- and possibly Brutaka himself - sweat.)


Edited by Haecceity, Jun 07 2013 - 12:16 PM.

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9181001334_fd8cffbeed_o.jpg

Vile terror, fearless blight
Haunting ghast, piercing light
Glow or shine or radiate
Sparkle, creep, reveal to sight
Human eyes so weak
To see and then to seek
Meaning for their rights
 

#6 Offline Dual Cee

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Posted Jun 14 2013 - 04:15 PM

A good story, it's style reminds me of one of my earlier stories on BZP, only this one is far better. I liked the way how the Matoran slowely transmitted into a real membrr of the swarm, and how he became to accept there habbits. There would be only one small thing to fully complete that plot point, and that would be just that the Matoran would first try to very much resist the krana, but slowely start to like it. But except for that little detail, it is perfectly fine.For the rest, I'm not so sure how I feel about bohrok chanting. On the first hand, the silent way they do it, and what they do, is very bohroky, but on the other hand, I just can't bring myself to the idea of them chanting. It just doesn't fit IMO. I can understand it however if you were trying to make the bohrok feel more human-like to make it easyer for the Matoran to blend in.

He chuckled to himself. Warmth couldn't begin to describe the searing sensation he felt every moment, the agony that burned with a fierce passion, the countless fires worming their way through his veins. He wished he had someone else to see, someone to share the pain and the whiteness with.

Well, the first sentence looks really odd, it looks like the "Warmth" itself is the subject of the sentence, which at a closer look does not appear true. I'd reccomend to make that more clear. Also I'm not sure what you're going for with the whole "warmth" idea here, I can understand what you are trying to say. I only think that recuires quite a bit imagination, and is not the first thing that pops up how I would feel when a parasite was attatched to my face. But yeah, I can guess what you are going for so yeah, it's ok.Also "Whiteness" , well, after you explained me, I eventually understood, but I could've never guessed what it stood for if you hadn't done that. So I'd reccomend to add a little bit to that word , and say like "the whiteness of the void" or "the whiteness, which was all he vould see." just to explain better about what kind of whiteness you're talking here. Also I liked you went a little creative and went for white instead of the more usual black, just a nice little touch.Just one more thing, and that was the word "hive", it appeared quite some time in your story, but, and this is just personal, everytime I read it I thought of Nui-Rama instead of Bohrok, who I believe where mostly descrined to came from a nest. I could however reccomend you to switch between the two, just to avoid word repetition you know...Last thing, I should've left the Matoran unnamed, I think if you're giving him a name, I believe we should get more background too, which we didn't get, so I believe it could've been left out.Well, overall, I liked the plot, I liked the style, I liked the character. Only a few things were a litle bit odd. But I liked the story.

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