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RPG Forum Contest 28 Reviews

RPG Contest RPGC28

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62 replies to this topic

#41 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Jun 20 2013 - 01:51 PM

Sshhhh, that island is Kron now :P

 

Might be interesting, then, to see what event led to the island's name change. Or Brotherhood actions.

 

You saw the notes on travelling right? At most its going to take you eight paragraphs to get from Xeros to Zo Halas, and whether that makes you days apart from the event you're trying to reach or hours is basically up to how you space those paagraphs. Give them a post each and yeah you're going to wind up late a lot, but as people are unlikely to be travelling that far all the time and I'd certainly like to think the players round here can manage more than one paragraph per post, I don't see travel time as much of an issue

 

I'm not talking about travel time out of game; I'm talking about travel time within the game universe itself. It would be rather skewed.

 

Kind of wanted to leave that up to the players, really. If they want to say that they're the Grand Admiral to the Lord Archduke of Golgarish, this way they can :P

I do say after all that the Free Folk are a varied bunch and letting the players do what they like rather than define every single aspect of every square mile of the map like a certain someone seemed the best way of doing that

 

Defining the map is one thing; giving a rough briefing on geography, another entirely. For example, just a short description. "Heavily forested" or "mostly barren" or "mountainous" gives a rough definition for the majority of the island, but one can still imagine spots differently. Perhaps the volcanic nature of the islands could be hinted at more? Stuff like that.

 

Given how chaotic the place is anyway, I'm not entirely sure how much people would notice that :D

 

True. I guess it's something I can just have characters complain about IC or something. Just a few comments added into the RPG about how freak the weather in is recently could be useful as a way as a nod to more knowledgeable players, and as a way to lead astray those less so.

 

Hmm, good point. LaYarteb and Zavarian both want it because massive wealth will allow them to hire warriors, bribe officials and buy all the best equipment for ships and troops. Essentially whoever gets hold of Jaqkli's hoard is probably going to wind up controlling the isles

 

If they can hold onto it....

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#42 Offline The Lorax

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Posted Jun 20 2013 - 04:12 PM

Erm, how sure on these times are you exactly? Because from what I can tell there's no set date for the Hagah teams, they just seem to be around. There's no connection to Jovan. Likewise I can't see a more concrete origin for the Dark Hunters other than "before the Matoran Civil War".

To clarify though, as Bitil is only just asserting himself as custodian of the southern isles, it's safe to assume the order to do so was recently given, placing Miserix in charge. I'd estimate the RPG to take place some time between 79,500 years ago and 79, 000 years ago (Or 78,500 BGC and 78,500 BGC if you want it in your measurements :P). I'll stick that somewhere, along with a mention that Skakdi don't have any special powers other than being big, strong and spiky

 

Quite sure, actually.

 

For the Dark Hunters, there's this from the BS01 timeline:

Sometime between 80,000 Years Ago and 70,000 Years Ago

  • ██ The being codenamed Ancient rebels against the strict laws of his home island, hiring himself out to others to perform tasks. As different beings compete for Ancient's services, the island's society gradually shifts from being peaceful and structured to segregated and war-torn.
  • ██ At the conclusion of the civil war caused by Ancient's actions, another native of the island approaches Ancient with the idea of forming an organization whose members would offer their services to others in return for profit and power.
  • ██ Ancient and the native, who adopts the moniker "the Shadowed One", develop the idea and form the Dark Hunters.
  • ██ Together, the Shadowed One and Ancient travel in search of a base of operations for their new organization. They discover Odina, forcibly displace its native inhabitants, and establish the Dark Hunter fortress.

 

The Hagah teams had to have been founded before Spiriah left, because he had a team (75,000 to 70,000 years ago), but they also had to have come up after Miserix left (79,100 years ago). I get this from the Dwellers in Darkness serial where Miserix met Teridax's Toa Hagah team, but didn't know what Toa Hagah were and had to have their history and purpose explained to him. He even sounds surprised that such teams would ever be created. If he'd been leader of the Brotherhood when they were, he wouldn't have reacted like that.

 

The connection to Jovan and his team comes from the BS01 timeline again. Those events are also listed at 79,100 years ago, right between the archives massacre and the Convocation of Makuta. If there are Toa Hagah, then the convocation is already history, and so Jovan's mission must be too.


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#43 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Jun 22 2013 - 10:37 PM

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Levacius Reviews – The Trial of Nations[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Well, I certainly am glad for that coding, KNI. Trust me, it’s a lot more helpful than you think it is. :P So, this is the collaborative work of ToD and Lloyd… now that’s a big surprise, that one there. I thought for sure we were waiting up on two more RPGs, not one...[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]… or are we?[/font]

 

My target of address is going to jump around quite a bit, unfortunately. I should probably work on that.

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Storyline[/font]

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Formatting or no formatting, the story jumps around a little much and dances around the main topic an equal amount. The first problem is that of the Agony. Now, there are a few canon breaking issues I could address about the origin given here, but that’s hardly the true problem. No, the true problem is trying to figure out why it’s here.  It’s too far back for anyone to remember or have knowledge of it, and it doesn’t affect the plot at the moment. If it does in the future, then this is the equivalent of opening Mass Effect with a detailed history of who the Reapers are.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]The best solution would be to either scrap the section, or rephrase it. Have it set in a different tone, as though you’re describing a myth of some sort. “In the time before time, there was Agony.” Something like that.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]What I don’t understand – what happened to every single character from canon, besides Teridax? Did they all die off as well, in this short span of 300 years? There seems to be no mention of practically anyone. No mention of where the Ignika went, either. This seems like a reasonably big deal.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]I’ll admit that the whole thing about Nuclear Kanohi somewhat confuses me. Namely, if masks are controlled by will, then who would have that much willpower? Tahu was a Toa Nuva, able to use Nuva level masks, and he could barely use the Vahi at even its weakest level.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]There is mention to the wars giving rise to a creature similar to the Agony, but it never gets mentioned again.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Graekoda and Arinth Magna are both given almost no characterization asides from being a footnote, despite seeming to be these major nations. Then they kill each other off in what’s basically nuclear war. This would be a good place for canon characters to be mentioned, as it could be used to generate some care for what’s going on. With regards to their conflict – if the leader of Graekoda sent fake copies, and the Arinth Magna leader didn’t – and these weapons were to be destroyed, supposedly – then how did Arinth Magna have a means to retaliate to the attacks?[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]So, how exactly did all of these countries gather up the military strength to enforce their big plan to stop war? People have tried that in the past in the real world as well. The League of Nations, now that there was a success. Another thing I don’t understand is the purpose of the trust. These people, who were responsible for the war, were supposed to stop another one with some big plan. Why these people? These people who caused the war in the first place. There’s a much easier way to deal with them then locking them away for five years and then giving them power and authority. It’s called a firing line.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]I respect these people and all, but how did they come up with the great idea of stopping war? Unless they committed a mass genocide of the Skrall, Steltians, and Skakdi, that might be a bit harder than they realize. Oh, and it would appear that my analogy in the above paragraph wasn’t too far off.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]I’m glad that they decided the best way to stop people from fighting each other was to force people to fight each other and then blow them up if they refuse to do it. And shut up Flenen you big old hypocrite.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Back to the serious stuff, what’s the point of these masks, exactly? Other than for the entire Agony sub-plot. It just seems weird that a facelift brings about doomsday instead, of say, a giant cannon of death, or the sword of a demi-god, or a book of ancient lore, or a nuclear weapon, or a nova blast amplifying piece of technology, or hip-hop. They have a lot of mention to their use, but we know almost nothing about them. The only passing mention we get is they’re made in Energized Protodermis or something, which is rather unexplained. Masks become Kanohi Nuva in EP. And considering how hard it is to find a good mask-maker (the only person  in canon who we still know has the knowledge to forge Great Kanohi is Vakama, since everyone else who was a mask maker got mind wiped and the technique using protodermis seemed contained to Metru-Nui) I doubt people threw them in by the bucket load, on the off chance that one of every hundred Kanohi was destined to be more than a Kanohi Nuva. Since only five beings in the universe could use those Kanohi Nuva, and plenty of others could use the regular masks, this seems like a waste.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Setting[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]I cannot see any parallels to real world nations. I cannot see any links to anything, really. I cannot see the… oh forget it, I cannot see anyone getting this pun no matter how many times I say it.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Oh look, everyone got rid of their weapons and are now getting conquered by a nation who doesn’t care about their rules. Bet they wish they still had their nuclear masks of death now, huh?[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Okay, so, a problem. It’s the microchips. How does the average person use these suckers? The species able to use Kanohi Mask powers isn’t exhaustive, and is probably less than 20% of the population. And plenty of them can’t use masks at all, because of their facial structure. Poor Gladiator… kicked out of the arena, just like that, because his face is ugly. And on that note, the animated constructs… how many can you have? How long do they take to build? What happens to you when they die? None of this is really explained.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]I also don’t understand another issue regarding the masks – can people leave the arena by taking their masks off and going back to their daily business, or are they stuck to their face, forcing them to remain there the whole time?[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Post Teridax… why. After Battle of Bara-Magna. After Reformation. After Matoran Universe. Just… anything. Please. :P[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]The problem I have with the big old suggestion list of things to be is that there are virtually no other plot points of interest to follow outside of the arena and events taking place there. The only interesting thing seems to be reserved for arena combatants.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Another thing – what the heck. Bara Magna had almost no people, and was the center of Agori civilization. Bota Magna may have had a few, but not an exhaustive population. There were only about 100,000 people when the Matoran Universe collapsed. How did these people extend out and cover the entire surface of the planet with so small a population? Unless Matoran Universe characters can breed in this universe, and do it faster than rabbits… then there’s a problem.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Pecua-Magna[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Almost unanimously a kindly people. Huh. Well that makes lots of sense. What exactly is Gratia Magna, by the way? We just happen to know Pecua Magna used to be part of it. Seems like a pretty big thing to lose out on.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]How exactly did Pecua Magna get into national debt? They been getting money loaned to them by China or something? We also know almost nothing about this places government other than that it’s apparently pretty nice.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Minor nitpick – blacksmithing is way too specific a task. Crafters might be a better job description. Or even artisans, if you’re feeling fancy.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Jelcoma[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]I still cannot see why I was making those comparisons earlier. My question here is, are you allowed to play as an inhabitant of Jelcoma or not? The opening made it seem as though we were meant to be players from Pecua-Magna, but it’s never completely addressed. Not that anyone who can see what I see is exactly jumping to side with these guys.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Trial and League[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Did they really need arenas? Couldn’t they have played Risk or Catan or something instead? Well, at least it’s better then the last game they played. Thermonuclear mask war is fun for nobody.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]The arenas are pretty cool, I have to admit. Even if they seem a bit unnecessarily elaborate and near impossible to create.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Learning a bit more about the politics of the League, the nations of the world, who leads them, and so on… there’s a lot of stuff that isn’t simply skipped over, it’s almost forgotten.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]People, Rules, Etc.[/font]

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]This is where my biggest problems with this RPG come from. Why is it always the profiles that get me angry?[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]These descriptions should not be here. Not only are they pretty much wholly inaccurate in almost every case presented, but they skip over the only reason a species description should ever be present – to explain what their role is in the society or explain a new one. And again, some of these power descriptions just butcher canon. I’ll use the Glatorian as an example. Where did they get elemental abilities? A small group of them had access to them because it was a gift from Mata-Nui to be able to do so, and they were given specifically enhanced tools to focus them.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Where did elementals come from and what point do they serve?[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Contradiction – it says any canon element is allowed. It also says we can’t be a Kra-Toa or an Av-Toa. So it kind of opposes itself there. The[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]I question the reason a Makuta has access to the element of Psionics instead of Shadow. Especially since only two Makuta are left after Teridax killed every single one of them with his powers, save Alternate Teridax and Miserix. Who were only alive for very special circumstances, mind you. I have a theory as to this anomaly, but no reason to let the masses know. That aside, I still have to ask why.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Thanks[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]ToD, I think you were RPing before I was. The only thing most people should learn from me is an exhaustive “how NOT to do X” list.” I always thought I was trying to learn more from you back then. Those other two guys, though… they’re some of our true vets. We all learned from them.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]In Conclusion[/font]

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]This RPG is a rather interesting concept, and has a few cool ideas. I do like the arenas quite a bit, and they might be an interesting concept to introduce. The problem is, the RPG doesn’t emphasize this very much… or, for that matter, much of anything. Stuff just seems to be in a bit of a jumble here, all falling together so you have to seriously think about it to put a lot of the stuff together.[/font]

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]The history, for example. I mention how it dances about. A lot of this topic moves around a lot on the timeframe, which makes it hard to keep everything in a linear mean. The fact that a lot of things seem to be very different from canon, with almost no involvement from canon characters or any familiar names in general, makes this a lot harder to keep trace of.[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Unfortunately, things like this keep it from being in my top three out of the contest. It’s still a decent RPG, but it’s just a little too confused about things and where it places descriptions or fails to, and suffers quite a bit from this. It also suffers from having almost no hanging plot strands – we know there’s a war coming and the people of both countries are on happy gas, but that’s almost all there is to follow. Some sort of plot hook, anything…[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]That’s what I have to say. Whatever happens, I wish (all three of) you best of luck in the contest. :)[/font]

 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:[/font]


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#44 Offline Toa of Dancing

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 10:12 AM

To Lev and his review of ToN:

 

Whale than. Harsh as ever. =P I admit, I've been a bit busy with everything I have on my plate atm, and Lloyd is having computer/internet problems, so... Not nearly as polished as I'd like. Lloyd was in charge of the mechanics, rules, etc.; and that kinda didn't happen, so the current set had to be thrown together. Still, I will address a few issues, and if KNI could fix a few things, that would be cool. I gtg for the week in a few minutes, or I'd do it myself. XD

 

Storyline: I myself am not quite sure where the Agony appeared. Kinda an addition that I thought sounded good at a glance.

 

Characters will be addressed asap if they can. The Ignika, from my understanding, went poof when it repair the world of Spherus Magna. This could also explain the population boom. I'll have that addressed too, if it can be.

 

Maybe I didn't give enough time. I don't know. I've tried to stress technological advances here, but I guess I didn't do so correctly.

 

The League is basically the League of Nations/United Nations, but actually working - for now.

 

Why was the Trust formed? Remorse. The former leaders of dead nations. Those who were sane were shocked, and wished to prevent such horrible things. What the League did with the masks is to be discussed in the story. ;)

 

Other stuff is other stuff, can't really go into detail, sorry.

 

Setting: The microchips are now the be implanted in the skull, not masks. They can be used by anyone. Same situations on improper use, though.

 

Well, Post Teridax was the only thing I could think of. Sorry. =P

 

And the Ignika population boom thing might be explained, if KNI can edit all of this in this short time. XD

 

Nations and Governments: Shoooosh. I'm bad at government. XD But yeah, sorry, I couldn't give much characterization, I guess. Crafters, sure. Whatever. Guess I should've said they were good smiths. Shoot me for second guessing myself.

 

Yes, players can play as Jelcomans.

 

BECAUSE I'M A SUCKER FOR ARENAS. But yeah that's pretty much why. And also the whole RPG kinda hinges on the economy surrounding the arenas and what's happening in the arenas themselves.

 

People, Rules, etc.: That's exactly why I added the descriptions. The Ignika gave slight elemental abilities to all Glatorian in this universe. And I'm not seeing how anything else is off-kilter. Also, I already said that pretty much anyone could be pretty much anything.

 

Elementals have been canon for quite a while, and I have always had a personal affection for them. They're basically just bundles of sapient elemental energy.

 

Yeah, again, the rules were thrown together. XD

 

Shhhh, spoilers. =3

 

In Conclusion: Yes, well, that doesn't mean that you haven't pushed me to be a better RPer, bro.

 

Well, it was thrown together pretty fast and without much time for thought. My brainchild that was birthed far too quickly. KNI did what he could, Lloyd would've done what he could. XD

 

But anyhow, thanks for the review, man. Appreciate it. =3


Edited by Toa of Dancing, Jun 23 2013 - 10:13 AM.

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The League of Draaaaaven is too stronk.


#45 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 12:54 PM

Whale than. Harsh as ever. =P I admit, I've been a bit busy with everything I have on my plate atm, and Lloyd is having computer/internet problems, so... Not nearly as polished as I'd like. Lloyd was in charge of the mechanics, rules, etc.; and that kinda didn't happen, so the current set had to be thrown together. Still, I will address a few issues, and if KNI could fix a few things, that would be cool. I gtg for the week in a few minutes, or I'd do it myself. XD

 

Harsh. ._.

 

Best of luck wherever you're going, ToD. Though I doubt you'll be seeing this if it's for a week.

 

Characters will be addressed asap if they can. The Ignika, from my understanding, went poof when it repair the world of Spherus Magna. This could also explain the population boom. I'll have that addressed too, if it can be.

 

Just a correction here; the Ignika didn't really go poof. At the end of Journey's End, Mata-Nui says goodbye to everyone and tells them to find the Great Beings, leaving Tahu to give his speech with Kiina carries the mask around with her.

 

Setting: The microchips are now the be implanted in the skull, not masks. They can be used by anyone. Same situations on improper use, though.

 

Okay, that's good to have clarified then.

 

People, Rules, etc.: That's exactly why I added the descriptions. The Ignika gave slight elemental abilities to all Glatorian in this universe. And I'm not seeing how anything else is off-kilter. Also, I already said that pretty much anyone could be pretty much anything.

 

Elementals have been canon for quite a while, and I have always had a personal affection for them. They're basically just bundles of sapient elemental energy.

 

Eh, I guess. There are the Ice Penguins and Vatuka.

 

Corrections, then. The wording makes it seem as thought Matoran can use elemental or mask powers. I could buy the elemental power thing for them, even, because of the Ignika explanation (though it does seem a bit strange for Mata-Nui to do that); the masks, however, are a different matter. It takes a certain amount of mental will and discipline that only Toa and Tuarga can use. The Skakdi elemental power is a bit inappropriately explained; their tertiary power is skipped. The Zyglak have no mention to their disease.

 

I might have been overstating the problem, but there still are a few. The main problem is that some of these races didn't need powers clarified; other ones just have new powers. Mentioning the Ignika part might be a good edit for KNI to make.

 

But anyhow, thanks for the review, man. Appreciate it. =3

 

Alright then. And hey, if it doesn't get through this contest, there's always more. Hopefully one with a little more time available.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#46 Offline Canis Lycaon

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 06:33 PM

Ah. Here is this contest's last minute entry. Always have one pop in five hours before the time ends.
 
Sunken Cities
 
Plot:
So, Great Cataclysm happens, Mata Nui slides into a trench, and now he is much deeper than he was in the canon and is now completely flooded.
 
So, I'm guessing that the RPG takes place floating above the Mata Nui. It must be a long way down to the Pit.
 
Who the Karz is Johon? Or Mairan?
 
So, how is there several eyewitness sightings, and yet only a small part of it was seen?
 
And where did Aqua Nui come from? You never mention it.
 
Locations:
The locations are ships. Interesting move. Not sure about it, but it works.
 
The Locations are standard, but why didn't the Tarakava and the Provider just ally themselves? Weapons and food is a good combo.
 
Now that I think of it, why does the Tarakava even need weapons? Who are they fighting?
 
Factions:
Seekers- These guys are fine. But why did Lesovikk need to regain his sanity if the Underwater City and Crescent Island are real? Which we, as players, know they are, but not the characters. Also, the only reference to Lesovikk breathing air is in this paragraph.
 
Council- I think you called these guys the Toa Council in one spot. Are they acting as police for the other ship-factions?
 
Brotherhood- You know, those two goals are only completely opposite in nature. How is the Brotherhood still one faction? And how does Gorast hope to rescue Teridax? Does she even know where he is?
 
Creators- The smallest faction has the giant, mega huge, floating island boat. Seems legit.
 
Lost- Do they have other mutations? The Pit Mutagen does more than make water breathers.
 
Profiles:
The profile is pretty long, but for for the love of Mata Nui, please right align it! I know you have this whole thing going for the rest of the RPG, but it is just annoying and hard to read!
 
Hm. The ship profile looks good, but does a ship really need a history? I mean, wouldn't it be best for the history to be included in the captain's?
 
So, why is the Zatth banned? Something to do with the Monster? (Which I think is the Ancient Sea Behemoth.)
 
Important NPCS:
I don't see anything particularly wrong with Levan, but the fact he is the only Important NPC and his history make it a bit too obvious he is the puppet.
 
Rules:
All the rules are fine, but what about seven? Do we put: 'Water', 'water everywhere' or 'Water, water everywhere.' I don't really like these kinds of rules, but the last might be a little hard to work into a profile.


Edited by Canis Lycaon, Jan 03 2014 - 09:14 AM.

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I used to have a banner here.

 

But that RPG is dead.

 

What now?


#47 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 07:14 PM

Well, first off. Johon and Mairan are two characters invented entirely for that letter and the rules.Why?Because I didn't want to just say "There's a gigantic monster, all y'all go after it."The monster is big. All that was seen was tentacles. The rest was underwater.The nickname for the world is Aqua Nui. Because obvious reasons.This takes place /in/ the MU. I edited in something that makes that clearer.Factions:Please restate the criticism about Lesovikk via pm please. Not really sure what you mean.The Tarakava is technically aligned with the Provider. But the Provider is a private business, not owned by the Council. Also, the cannons: Pirates. Sea Rahi. The Monster.As for the Creators, think of it this way: everyone else has fleets. The Creators have /one/ ship and they control the food.The Makuta are held together by dislike of Mata Nui. Gorast doesn't know where Teridax is, she's just looking for him.Profiles:Ship history: What about the person that owned it before?Zatth: Mask of Summoning. A swarm of sea rahi. In the ocean. Think about that, please.Important NPCs: Hmmm.Rules: I said it had to appear. Not be worked in.

Edited by The Fourteenth Doctor, Jun 23 2013 - 07:17 PM.

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"They're smarter, faster, and stronger than us. Fantastic."


#48 Offline Aiwendil

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 07:26 PM

 (for sunken cities)I would just like to put in that there's no 'personality' in the profiles.


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#49 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 07:31 PM

I dislike personality. With a passion.

 

It's been edited in as optional, because I know some people like having it, but mine are always edited in the long run.


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#50 Offline The Lorax

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 08:41 PM

I'll throw in a bit about Sunken Cities, adding to what others have said.

 

The Makuta are held together by dislike of Mata Nui. Gorast doesn't know where Teridax is, she's just looking for him. 

 

Dislike of the Great Spirit is all very well, but when the universe you planned to rule is dying, other concerns don't seem as big. At this point, death of the universe means death of all the Makuta as well, so they shouldn't really want that. Remember, they wanted to rule the universe, not kill Mata Nui. It is very much in the Makutas' interests to see the ignika found and used.

 

Also, Gorast should have a pretty good idea of where Teridax is. He went to Metru Nui to enact his plan, and never returned. That would be a very good place to start looking.

 

 

Zatth: Mask of Summoning. A swarm of sea rahi. In the ocean. Think about that, please.

 

A swarm of sea rahi that cannot be controlled once summoned, so are just as likely to sink your own boat as your adversary's. A mask of rahi control, on the other hand, would give one control of both the summoned rahi and the monster. Think about that, please.

 

Other races will be done on a case to case basis.

 

Aren't all characters done on a case-by-case basis?

 

I don't object to the "water, water everywhere" rule. It seems like a good idea to make sure players read the rules, though this may not be the best way to do it.

 

But since the Monster made its first appearance, he's acted strangely. Always a bit on edge, always looking around corners before he walks out.One might think he's hiding something, but no one's found it yet.

 

I fail to see how this is suspicious. When you are responsible to keeping the universe safe from a giant, unknown monster, it is understandable to act a bit stressed. Looking around corners could be easily interpreted as being worried about the monster attacking, or the other factions doing something.

 

As general feedback, I would say that what you have here is a good concept/outline for a game, but not the full game itself. With a bit of thinking around the story and fleshing out the factions, locations and important characters, this could be a very good game. At the moment, though, it is full of holes, like the MU in this scenario. It gives the basic setup of the game, but not much else.

 


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#51 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 09:00 PM

The Makuta are antidermis. Teridax can breathe underwater, we've seen that in canon. At this point, ruling an underwater world of mutants is better than waking up the god that you put to sleep in the first place. The Gorast knowing where he is... Valid.As for the Levan thing... There's a name for what I mean to do with that, but I can't say it, because it will oppose the point.Races on a case by case basis: That's basically what I meant, just that we'd have to approve that race and the char. Using a race in that list is one less unknown.The Mask of Rahi Control wasn't raised as an objection. That mask isn't really allowed in any rp, for obvious reasons.Temple Squid, anyone?
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#52 Offline The Lorax

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 09:10 PM

The Makuta are antidermis. Teridax can breathe underwater, we've seen that in canon. At this point, ruling an underwater world of mutants is better than waking up the god that you put to sleep in the first place.The Gorast knowing where he is... Valid.As for the Levan thing... There's a name for what I mean to do with that, but I can't say it, because it will oppose the point.Races on a case by case basis: That's basically what I meant, just that we'd have to approve that race and the char. Using a race in that list is one less unknown.The Mask of Rahi Control wasn't raised as an objection. That mask isn't really allowed in any rp, for obvious reasons.Temple Squid, anyone?

 

Makuta point: No need to wake him up, just save his life and repair the damage to the universe. That is exactly what using the ignika would do - remember it would take the Toa Mata going to Karda Nui to actually wake him up. Saving his life won't wake him.

 

The mask of rahi control is actually allowed in most contest RPGs. If it isn't in this one, you'll need to say so. Controlling temple squids and the like isn't normally that overpowered, because the characters are safe on land, not relying on fragile ships for survival. Also because very large and powerful rahi are difficult to find in order to control them.


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#53 Offline Toa Kovolta

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 09:35 PM

[color=#008000;]My comments in green.[/color]

Review of Trapped in a Map: First up, wow, the banner and map for this game are fantastic. How much time and effort went into making them? A lot, obviously, and it was definitely worth it. They are great.[color=#008000;]I can't remeber how long I spent on the map, it's been too long since I made it (nearly three years now), but thanks! I originally sketched it out on paper and then traced over it in adobe illustrator.[/color] Aside from my initial wonder at the pictures, I see that this is a very well put-together RPG, with the great story, the locations (short but effective nonetheless), the factions and everything else. One thing I would change, however, is the order in which they are placed. The overview, containing a central conflice about the edges of the map breaking up, is hidden in between the profiles and NPCs, and other important information like the timeperiod and mechanics of the map don't come in until the very end, almost. I would advise you to put these things in much earlier, probably after the locations. The gameplay section could easily be merged with the overview, to give all that important exposition early. The rules are much less important in setting up the story and creating interst, so there's no real need to bring these in until the end. I'd drop the NPCs down a bit as well. [color=#008000;]Very good points. I always find it a challenge trying to figure out how to layout all the information in an interesting and engaging way while maintaining good order and oraganization throughout the document. I'll see what I can do in terms of reorganizing some of it.[/color] Maybe the outcasts could have their own entry in the factions section? If they're home to rogue citizens and rebels, maybe the rebels could have some sort of  organised group/leadership structure? Or is this supposed to be one of the player factions that gets made? [color=#008000;]I was seeing it more of just a mixed bag of non-organized people spread out throughout the city who just dont follow the laws layed out by the Worshippers, and if, when the game starts, any players want to start organizing them into factions with specific goals, that's what they can do. I was trying to go for a little more of a sandbox type feel at the start of the game in that respect.[/color] A few questions I have: Where in the MU does the carver live, mainly, if he's not travelling all over the place? This will be quite important in crafting character backstories so that they can be in the right place to get trapped. [color=#008000;]He travels all over the MU, not really staying in one spot all that often. That way he can get a larger variety of "dolls" for his collection.[/color] Among those who disagree with the worshipers rule, and live in the outcast towers, tunnels and such, are there any prominent organisations/groups/leaders? Maybe they could have thier own entry in the factions section, unless this was meant to be one of the player-made factions? [color=#008000;]As I said above.[/color] What, aproximately, is the population/area of the map? You say that it is getting full, but some numbers would be nice. [color=#008000;]I guess that would be a good idea. Lets say that the city is about half the size of Metru Nui with about 3/4 of the population. I'll add these numbers to the rpg.[/color] That's about all I can think of for now. You have a very good entry here and one I'd very much like to play. And, with CotD pulling out, there's a very good chance that you'll have my vote. Good luck getting more of those. [color=#008000;]Thank you very much![/color]

    

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Levacius Reviews…[/font][font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Trapped In a Map... [/font] 

[font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Trapped In a Map[/font]

 [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]I believe I have reviewed this RPG before, and actually still remember most of it well. So I won’t really be doing too much commentary on it, considering there is actually another here on the table…[/font][color=#008000;]Oh good. :)[/color][font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]….[/font] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]NOT. [/font][color=#008000;]......... <_<[/color][color=#008000;] [/color][font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Storyline[/font] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]I’m going to start off with something of a question regarding the Map, and the viewing of names. Exactly what defines a name for the mask, again? If someone has adopted a second name, which one applies? What if they have two personalities, due to split personality or something? Does that component of their personality or whatever go in, rather than their whole person? This isn’t really important, but if something like that was the case it could make for some interesting scenarios. For example: “I need to get out of here because my evil half is going to run off and kill people!” or something like that.[/font][color=#008000;]Both the mask and the Map work with the name a physical being was given at it's birth/creation. If the split personalities you're talking about are both a part of the same physical being, then both personalities would be transported to the map along with their body.[/color] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Factions[/font][font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]The only problem here is that the only factions at the start of the game are all on the same side. It may be a better idea to start off with an opposed or, at the very least, neutral group/organization just from the get-go that would serve as a counterbalance.[/font][color=#008000;]Well since everyone seems to want another faction, maybe I'll try and think something up.[/color] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Locations[/font] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Let’s see if… nope. I still love the map.[/font] :) [color=#008000;]<-this is green[/color] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]I have one question – can players start out with knowledge of any of the other exits into the tunnels. Perhaps with one in their basement, even? And can players begin the game outside of the city, as some of the rogues or whatever. Also, can one fly over the wall?[/font][color=#008000;]Yes, yes and yes. Though the walls are heavily patrolled by the City Law Enforcers, some of whom can also fly.[/color] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Characters & Gameplay & Rules[/font] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Okay, I know that you want to try to keep as large a player base as possible, but this is ridiculous. Do you really need a rule against killing other players? I mean, sure, I’ve gotten upset before, but I don’t really know if that rule is necessary. I mean, that’s murder. It’s illegal anywhere.[/font] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]… okay, bad joke.[/font] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Other[/font] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]… are there stars? Or a moon? I like stars. They’re very pretty.[/font][color=#008000;]There are stars but no moon.[/color] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Question #1: What are the affects of mental shields on the Carver’s influence? Order of Mata-Nui members, for example, who are immune to any type of mind control normally. Or Ce-Toa/Matoran, who are by nature mentally shielded. Or pretty much anyone who receives the proper training and has a strong willpower.[/font][color=#008000;]The Map pretty much has complete control over it's own world, so no mental shields can stop the Carver from controlling them[/color]. [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Question #2: The Carver has trapped quite a few people, right? The RPG makes it out to be in the hundreds, easily. Has nobody honestly noticed that something like that happened?[/font][color=#008000;]Oh I'm sure people have noticed that there have been disappearances, but the Carver is contantly moving throughout the MU and he doesn't exactly leave a trail to follow, so no one can figure out what's causeing the disappearances.[/color] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Just a few quick questions there.[/font] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]In Conclusion[/font] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]The RPG has a pretty interesting and creative set-up, and has a lot of potential to be really good if it wins. I’ve had a few little minor gripes about it, of course, but overall I think the multiple contests its been entered in – along with a firm opening base – have made it pretty strong, and it stands up well to review.[/font][color=#008000;]Thanks![/color] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]If anything, I think the ‘Other’ section could be… I dunno. It just seems like it was tacked on. Finding some way to spread the information presented throughout the text itself would make for a more professional look, but as is, it’s fine.[/font][color=#008000;]Yeah, I wasn't very proud of the layout of that section, but I felt the need to include that info and I couldn't think wherelse to put it. Maybe I'll look into moving it throughout the rest of the sections somehow.[/color] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]With that said, I wrote a 1200 word essay about how the other flaws in this RPG. I certainly hope that I remember to paste it in here before I start the next review…[/font] [font="arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"]Buffering…[/font]-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:

 

[color=#008000;]Thanks for the reviews, I'll go and make some changes now.[/color]


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#54 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Jun 23 2013 - 10:33 PM

I made a few edits, Lorax.

 

That'll probably be all I can do. XD


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#55 Offline The Lorax

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Posted Jun 25 2013 - 05:18 AM

Well, I'll be honest here - I didn't expect Sunken Cities to do half as well as it has so far. Now that it looks to be in serious contention and I'm contemplating characters, I have a few more questions to ask. I know it's too late for edits to the game, but this still seems like the best place to ask. So, in no particular order:

 

Why was Lesovikk in the Pit during the GC? In the canon universe, he didn't go there until after the Inika had been transformed and begun their quest. Was he just there by chance in his universal wanderings, or is there some other reason for him turning up from there, where he didn't have any real reason to be?

 

The introduction talks about Vortixx and Nynrah ghosts making huge ships to survive on, but none of the three established factions seem to be affiliated with either of them. The Artakhans made their own boat, the Toa wouldn't need their help and the Brotherhood already have their own navy. Did they just make boats for the "everyone else" of this game, like the ordinary citizens of the universe, the Dark Hunters, the OoMN and many others who don't get mentioned?

 

Back to Lesovikk and Voya Nui: Wouldn't the entire Southern Continent have noticed a huge piece of land breaking off and rocketing upwards? The characters should all have heard about this, so Lesovikk's story shouldn't be all that surprising to them. It has backup from millions of witnesses after all, and anyone who doubts can go take a look at the hole it left. Also, did the population of Voya Nui survive in this universe as they did in canon? There could be people already living there!

This makes me wonder why the Council would be opposed to the Seekers. There is clear evidence available that Voya Nui is not just a fool's errand, and surely anything that could repair the universe would be worth investigating anyway, even if the chances are slim. After all, everybody's going to die soon if nobody fixes the universe, right? Protection from sea-monsters is all well and good, but useless if no long-term solution to the bigger problems is found.

 

Is it possible for characters on ships in one dome of the universe to sail into another dome? Because since the domes are now partially filled with water, the sea gates to the inter-dome connections (located at the bases of the domes) would now be underwater.

 

Lesovikk again - if he's been to Mahri/Voya Nui once, why can't he find it again? For that matter, why can't anyone else who knew the location of the Southern Continent - the biggest landmass in the Matoran universe? It went straight up from its original position there and lodged in the dome's ceiling, so it shouldn't be too hard to find, and such a big chunk of land would be pretty hard to miss. Either the Seekers are all geographically challenged cool dudes, or there's something weird going on here. I should also note that Voya Nui and Mahri Nui were one and the same place for 400 years after the GC in the canon universe. I suppose it would make sense for MN to break off earlier on this universe that had a more severe GC, but that should probably have been noted somewhere.

 

And finally, what have the OoMN been doing about all this? As the one faction in the universe solely dedicated to preserving Mata Nui and carrying out his will within the universe, I'd expect them to be at the forefront of any efforts to rescue him, whether by finding the ignika on Voya Nui (they already have two agents there, after all) or by some other means.


Edited by The Lorax, Jun 25 2013 - 05:22 AM.

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#56 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Jun 25 2013 - 09:57 PM

This isn't canon, first off. Lesovikk was there because he wanted to investigate the main torrent of water coming through.Things that went up in canon went down. Southern continent and voya nui fell.The domes took enough damage during the initial fall that it can be assumed there are multiple ways in and out of each, if not a large number.Lesovikk can't remember because of the insanity.The Order is around, but they're not especially prominent right now. Axonn and Brutaka are a bit tied up.The Nynrah ghosts have their own ships, they and the vortixx are the primary alternatives to the creators for ships and parts.The Council... That's up to players to figure out.
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#57 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Jun 25 2013 - 10:22 PM

Things that went up in canon went down. Southern continent and voya nui fell.

 

This doesn't make any sense.

 

Okay, there's a few ways to look at this. The way things are set up, it appears there are still mountains and stuff sticking up according to posts you've made, so it's not like the entire universe is upside down. Even if that was the case, you never say so

 

Otherwise, you're saying that the Continent and Voya-Nui collapsed downwards. That would mean that Voya-Nui collapsed into Karda-Nui instead of rocketing up. I don't think there's enough space in Karda-Nui for the entire Continent, so it's better to just assume just that specific Voya-Nui area went down (I would mention Mahri-Nui, but that area was actually created by lava flow following the island rocketing to the surface). If this is the case, then Voya-Nui would also be drowned underneath the Swamp of Secrets.

 

Another issue to dig up, while I'm here.

 

The concept is that the Great Spirit crashed into the planet, but ended up crashing in a place that cause him to fall off a shelf and suffer increased damage from the Cataclysm. The problem here is that the damage caused by this would be negligible. I find it hard to believe that a 40 million foot long space robot crashing into a planet would find falling what's basically the equivalent of a couple feet for a human being if you look at things from relative size. To put it in terms for the inhabitants, I'd like you to imagine if you were in a football shot across an entire field and experienced the impact. Compare that to setting the thing down on a table. That's how much impact this would have on the inhabitants.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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#58 Offline Infamous Ironic Iguana

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Posted Jun 25 2013 - 10:31 PM

Not necessarily damage from the fall. Extra water pressure and a rip in the wall, like the Titanic.(all rhyming unintentional)This isn't canon, I've said before. Voya Nui fell, yes. Southern Continent may have broken apart on Karda Nui.Either way, result is the same. It's under water.I'm not pulling everything out now, because, if I, say, told you where Brutaka and Axonn were, that's one less surprise i have for players.
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#59 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Jun 25 2013 - 10:49 PM

The Titanic was the setting of an overhyped movie and Russel T. Davies having David Tennant fly like the messiah, not a giant robot with armor plating of likely a few miles in thickness. While I will give that the MU Robot was most likely not designed to resist pressures on a regular basis, it somehow did. And just to point out something - at the depth that the robot would have needed to be at in order to have all but its head under the water, large areas of it were deeper than the Marianas Trench.

 

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#60 Offline Simon the Digger

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Posted Jun 25 2013 - 11:18 PM

I would point out that the GSR was designed for space travel. In other words, probably designed to resist the pressure of one atmosphere, maybe a little more. It wasn't meant for combat, so no extra armor. Which means that the pressure needed to cause a rupture through common sense alone isn't that significant. A bit more than a standard atmosphere. We also know nothing of the robot's dimensions, so.we cannot accurately gauge the depth at which it rested in canon.Plus, we know next to nothing of Aqua Magna's oceans, and even less of the GSR's construction. It's pretty much open to interpretation. Perhaps it fell on an underwater mountain. The damage, though perhaps minimal, made it susceptible to.pressures it was not designed to withstand. And since it is not canon, it never rested the way it did in canon, and thus we do not know what it can withstand.The Great Beings were short on funds in this universe, so they outsourced and used low-quality metal. Questions; answered.
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#61 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Jun 25 2013 - 11:42 PM

I would point out that the GSR was designed for space travel. In other words, probably designed to resist the pressure of one atmosphere, maybe a little more. It wasn't meant for combat, so no extra armor. Which means that the pressure needed to cause a rupture through common sense alone isn't that significant. A bit more than a standard atmosphere. We also know nothing of the robot's dimensions, so.we cannot accurately gauge the depth at which it rested in canon.Plus, we know next to nothing of Aqua Magna's oceans, and even less of the GSR's construction. It's pretty much open to interpretation. Perhaps it fell on an underwater mountain. The damage, though perhaps minimal, made it susceptible to.pressures it was not designed to withstand. And since it is not canon, it never rested the way it did in canon, and thus we do not know what it can withstand.The Great Beings were short on funds in this universe, so they outsourced and used low-quality metal. Questions; answered.

 

Truth to some things. It is most certainly a fact that space shuttles cannot hold up in high pressure environments. But the thing is, we do know about what the GSR was created from. It was made of solid protodermis, perhaps even some amounts of protosteel in the alloy and exsidian. The purpose of the robot was as much to get the Energized Protodermis - which all protodermis was made from - into a state that wouldn't bring about the Shattering. Too late for that.

 

When I say the GSR likely had miles worth of armor, I'm referring to relative size. Assuming that the robot has 'skin' that is relative to the thickness of our own, if not far greater as it honestly should be. Since the Great Beings likely dealt with Glatorian and the like, who probably have thicker skins than people based on the beatings they take, even more "armor." It's not really armor; it's just the hull of the craft.

 

Even counting the pressure, that's a lot of defense to put up. I admit to not knowing enough about physics or engineering to know how much of an impact it would have, but I'm fairly certain we usually give our vehicles pretty good plating when we dump them so far down in the deep blue sea. Don't cite me.

 

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#62 Offline Simon the Digger

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Posted Jun 26 2013 - 09:36 AM

Lev, can you tell me the melting point of protodermis? Tensile strength? Compression strength? Does it react with anything?We know what protodermis is called, we know it is a metallic substance, and we know some ways it is used. But we do not know nearly enough about it to make any reasonable analysis of its strength. Second, you're failing to take into account that there is a literal world inside, with high skies, and lots of space. Most of the space that you say should be plating is reserved for the worlds within.Now, since you love canon, let's put it this way; The GSR was felled by a meteor to.the head. Taking that into account, I think that it's pretty reasonable to say that the tumble it took and the subsequent pressures (Refer to my above post for the explanation of why it would withstand only a bit more than one atmosphere) at depths that are entirely unknown due to lack of knowledge of Aqua Magna would cause a hull rupture.
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#63 Offline Toa Levacius Zehvor

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Posted Jun 26 2013 - 12:18 PM

Lev, can you tell me the melting point of protodermis? Tensile strength? Compression strength? Does it react with anything? We know what protodermis is called, we know it is a metallic substance, and we know some ways it is used. But we do not know nearly enough about it to make any reasonable analysis of its strength. Second, you're failing to take into account that there is a literal world inside, with high skies, and lots of space. Most of the space that you say should be plating is reserved for the worlds within.

 

I don't think anyone could. The only things we know is that until we find it, Bionicle doesn't have to follow real world physics, and that when the Onu-Matoran of Mata-Nui found protodermis under the islands surface such as that used on the robots hull, it was the single hardest thing that they had encountered (including the other metal substances that already had). Pure protosteel is even stronger.

 

The robot is 40,000,000 feet high. It's safe to say that putting a few miles into plating would cause almost no impact on the size of the domes.

 

Now, since you love canon, let's put it this way; The GSR was felled by a meteor to.the head. Taking that into account, I think that it's pretty reasonable to say that the tumble it took and the subsequent pressures (Refer to my above post for the explanation of why it would withstand only a bit more than one atmosphere) at depths that are entirely unknown due to lack of knowledge of Aqua Magna would cause a hull rupture.

 

A giant hunk of planet is hardly the same as high pressure.

 

Whatever. This debate is basically pointless because, as you said, we don't know the supposed depth of Aqua Magna. The amount that you're proposing to be subtracted from what we already know in order to increase the depth any further than it was in canon is, however, impossibly immense in the real world; improbably so in Bionicle.

 

-Toa Levacius Zehvor :flagusa:


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