All right, so this is the review page for Entering the Void. Post comments, praise, constructive criticism, etc. here. Please.

Oh, and I didn't mean to write "Stroy" in the little comment, I was attempting to spell "Story"

You can find the story here: http://www.bzpower.com/forum/index.php?act...ST&f=25&t=62125

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: May 23 2003, 05:04 PM

GAAAAH! This story is wonderful! Why aren't more people reading it?

In effect, it's flawless. Your writing style is perfectly suited to the kind of horror that begins the novel. I got chills just from reading the part where Lewa steps forward- and dies. Brrrr. Terrifying.

Your description of Tahu's personality is better than most people's- you make him two-dimensional, instead of the jealous, angry monster most people portray him as. Also, your description of the Toa of Star's reaction to his arrival is perfect!

This epic is incredible, and has the potential to be one of the best on BZPower. Keep up your high writing quality and I'll be a devoted fan forever!

PLEASE, PM me when new chapters are up! I can't say enough good things about this. Please, follow Konorus' First Law, and KEEP WRITING!

-

EDIT: You killed Gali! I hope you ressurrect the dead Toa somehow, because I'd hate to see this become another 'kill the Toa' fest, no matter how well it is written. Very good villain, though, chilling description!

Please post here again so I don't have to DP.

-

This post has been edited by HauNuva: May 24 2003, 07:05 AM

Don't worry, Gali isn't dead. But this will be very significant. I should have chapter 7 up in no time.

I though this would be about space when I got here, it's definetly more intresting then anything I've ever read. I wonder why no one else is posting?

I've got Chapter 7 up, and I'm working on Chapter 8. You probably won't get another update for a few hours though, I'm going somewhere soon.

Edit: Chapter 8 is up. It is a little bit long.

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: May 25 2003, 08:43 AM

Great new chapters! I'm glad to se e you are putting effort into your story and keeping it high-quality, despite your lack of reviews. Keep up the great writing!

-

I am about to add the next chapter. Thanks HauNuva and Dhik Nuva, you've both been a great help in making my story. Maybe you guys could tell some people about it or something. I would like some more reviews.

All right, thanks again!

Edit: Chapter 9 and 10 are up. 9 is long, while 10 is short, so they even out to about 2 chapters-worth of writing.

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: May 25 2003, 07:59 PM

Well, excellent new chapters! I think Pohatu's response to Lewa's disappearance was a bit callous, but other than that I see no flaws in your wonderful character portrayal so far! Anyway, I will try to spread the word about this great epic, and of course I'll look forward to what, precisely, this betrayal is that Antati was talking about.

By the way, are the Toa of Night and Day twins? They certainly act like it.

-

I guess Pohatu was being callous, but Lewa had just disappeared and he was surrounded by six creatures thirsting for his blood and his companions had jumped, so I can't blame him.

I actually wasn't intending to make Hanri and Punry twins, but they are now!

And I won't be able to post much for the following week, I get a lot of homework, (like a three page English essay that was assigned today and is due tomorrow ) But I'll try to update it when I can. I'm so glad you enjoy it.

this is the best story I've ever read (and I mean that)keep up the great work (please)

Well, I have chapter 13. 13 is an unlucky number, for both the superstitious, and for Pohatu! Read it and see what happens! Please!

I'd say I loved that chapter, but gaaah, the imagery of Pohatu's death was terrifying! Just how I like it, except I hate it when Toa die. Blast, you keep making this story so scary/sad. Of course, I said this last time and they were OK. Maybe he'll be back as a Voided - I guess that's what I've been mentally calling the Void-possessed. Or maybe 'voidlet?' No, sounds like a breakfast dish.

Anyway, the imagery in the last part of the story was wonderful! Panry and Hanri's astonishing transformation, Antati's spells (whee, a meteor swarm), and the journey into the mountains were all described in sharp, crisp, and very entertaining detail. Just the way an excellent story should be written. This had better go in the 'best ignored authors' topic.

BTW, your story is third in line for my 'Featured Story' in my signature. That's because it was the third great story I saw- not because of any preference of other stories over yours. They're all great!

Keep up the good work!

-

Good job! You just came up with a term I needed for the voidally corrupt. Voided it is! Thanks for the very positive feedback! It really makes feel glad to have somebody to write for.

Oh, and many toa seem to die, but don't worry. They're often revived. Or at least Pohatu is, as you shall see in chapter 14, which I am about to post. (Key word being "often".)

How to make the perfect voidlet:

3 eggs
1/2 can of darkness
1 woven metal sword

Beat the eggs and mash the sword to bits. Combine the half-can of darkness with the eggs and stir throughly. Spoon into pre-heated pan. When voidlet is cooked through, drop in the sword in small chunks for flavor. If you do not have a fondness for metal, or if your diet prohibits it, you can use salt and pepper to taste instead. Bon appetit!

Edit: If you can not find a can of darkness, as the are pretty rare to comeby, a can of coffee grounds will do as well.

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jun 4 2003, 05:39 PM

MMMMM...Mata-Nui.

I LOVE your story! The magical Mata-Kanja is wonderful! I'm not sure I'll ever be it satisfied with Mata-Nui again.
Your gory imagery in confrontations with the Voids, and in Gali's ghastly dream, were magnificent. Whoo, I shouldn't have read this at night.
Your ghoulish villains, the Voids, are great, although I half expect some vital character to die whenever one shows its black lump of a face.

Your Epic was recommended to me by HauNuva. Keep up the great work! (I'm glad you decided to revive poor Pohatu.) And, bravo for your terrific work, despite your lack of reviews. Believe me, I've experienced that before.

Yours Voided,
MakutaTypist

This post has been edited by MakutaTypist: Jun 8 2003, 07:30 AM

Wow, your last reply in here had me rolling around on the floor! Your replies are as fun to read as your stories.

Anyway, I love the dry humor you've interjected into your story. It really makes the atmosphere more amusing. And your dream sequence was a chilling, terrifying depiction of what Tahu was experiencing. Brrr...

And Makuta's behind all this! I shouldn't be surprised, but still. Having a god of illusion and deceit is also nice- Mata Kanja reminds me of Shar. This story just gets more and more exquisite! I will try to spread the word about it some more.

Please keep writing!

-

I got chapter 16 up. I hope this chapter explains a bit about what is going on.

Wow, this has to be one of the first epics that goes ahead and ruins Mata Nui. It just adds to the tension!

Your background for the universe is astonishingly well-developed and would make a suitable epic on it's own: 'The Rise and Fall of the Gods.' I also like your concept of a 'super-island', like Pangaea, and how it split apart, like Pangaea. Hey, maybe the same thing happened on our planet...

I also like your idea of how the 'voids' slip into our world when evil overpowers good. In fact, I'd like to use them in my upcoming epic SpellSong. Perhaps I could PM you with some ideas as to how I'll use them...

-

Good catch, HauNuva! Notice, Pangaea also divided into five main continents, North America and South America, Africa, Eurasia, and Antarctica. (You probably know that Australia and India used to be parts of antarctica, so I'm not going to count those). I was probably unconciously influenced by our own Earth's natural history. Pretty interesting!

Edit: I think you have just given me a new idea for an epic after I'm done with this one. "The Rise and Fall of the gods!" I can tell it form the point of view of Mata Nuru, or something! Thanks!

I hope you don't mid if I use the title you gave me. It wont be for a while, anyway, because this epic is going to go on for a while longer.

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jun 14 2003, 09:54 AM

Great story Toa of the Stars!
The descriptions are wonderful and the idea with the "void" is cool!
Keep it up!

P.S.: I tracked the topic!

Thanks, Nighthunter!

Chapter 18 is up. This one is immense.

Edit: Did anybody ever notice that Antati, the toa of the stars, is a bit like an alter ego for my BZP account? Antati even looks like my avatar. (The avatar was actually done by Timboman, and he named it something like "Pluno," but that is what Antati's body is designed after.)

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jun 14 2003, 08:06 PM

Chapter 18 was great, just like all the other chapters . So...will the Toa return? Or are they really, truly dead?

Are the toa going to come back? I can't tell you. It would risk something cool I have planned being revealed. But remember, a lot of my readers, (HauNuva, in particular), don't like it when toa die, and I'm trying to write to my reader's tastes, so that should be a hint.

Thanks for the review, pohatufan678, and welcome to BZP!

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jun 15 2003, 09:10 AM

As always, your last chapter was flawless. Your description of the 'chase' was terrifying, and Lewa's sudden death made me jump. Brr....

Anyway, perhaps the protodermis river will advance the Toa again. Who knows. I can't wait to see what happens next, because this story just keeps getting better...

I did notice the Antati/Avatar similarity, and thought it was cool. Speaking of which, the other Toa don't seem to use their elemental abilities much. Perhaps some of that...

Can't wait to see more flawless ETV! I hope my reviews have been encouraging.

-

You bet your reviews have been encouraging! If it weren't for your early feedback, this epic probably wouldn't have been written. Its people like you, and all you guys who have read my epic, that I'm writing for.

You are right, the other toa haven't used their powers much, have they? Thanks, for the advice, and prepare to see lots of other abillities!

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jun 15 2003, 06:07 PM

Uhh...Lewa is coming back, isn't he?
With him or without him, I like your story!
Keep it up, ok?

I have chapter 20 up, now. I hope its good, I put a lot of thought into this one. Tell me if there are any edits I need to make, because I was hurried through the proofreading process for this chapter.

Okay!

Wow. Oh, wow. That may be the last chapter of this book. Or not. Either way, it was astonishing.

Makuta was perfect. The 'Outside' was perfect. The concept of both was perfect. The writing was perfect. It was all polished to a glossy sheen, with tiny imperfections like jewels in a face of coal. They just made it all the more readable, all the more epic, all the more astounding.

Yes, that was the perfect chapter. Makuta's defeat made more sense and was a thousand times more epic than a tremendous battle or being stabbed by a sword. It was the only truly sensible end to the Lord of the Void that I have ever seen.

Wow. That was perfect.

Here. Have the halo of perfection. You've earned it. That was a last chapter equal to the finale of KopakaX's CoD, or Kopaka's sacrifice in Kirilin's Paradox.

Wow.

-

This post has been edited by HauNuva: Jun 17 2003, 06:54 PM

Its not the last chapter of the entire story, but it is the end of Book 1.
There will be plenty of stuff in Book 2, also. We still don't know what happened to the other toa, and, more importantly, just who "He" is! Stay tuned for "ETV: Book 2: Some Cool New Title Goes Here!"

Thanks for all your feedback, everybody! Its true, a few good fans are infinately better than a hoarde of readers who just reply "Cool!"

I'll post links to the new topic and review topic once I make them.

Once again, thanks everybody!

And thanks HauNuva, for my first review and a "Halo of Perfection!" Enjoy Book 2!

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jun 22 2003, 08:43 AM

You did a great job on Chapter 20 (as always)! You've done a great job on the story. Some epics have no story, just battling. I hope it's ok that I review twice.

i dont know why not many people post in this. it is awsome.

pohhatufan678, its always okay to post more than once in a topic, as long as you don't double post or say the same thing a second time. Citael bringer of death, I'm glad you think my epic is awesome.

Oh, and I need a little help. I've got a few titles in mind, but I would like some feedback for possible titles for Book 2.

War for Omnimata, Book 2 of this series, is here. You will find a link to the review in my sig and in the epic.

Enjoy!

Edit: Am I allowed to DP in my own review topic?

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jun 22 2003, 10:59 AM

The story was so nice but the deaths...creepy!

You really outdone yourself in this epic, i'm gonna read the next book!

Is it okay if I ask more than one question? Do you plan to make more than two books? Do you know yet? Good job with Chapter 1. It sounds like an interesting mask!

pohatufan678, you can ask as many questions as you want! I'm planning to write three books, and than follow them up with a prequel. I would like it if you would post reviews for War for Omnimata in the War for Omnimata review thread though, not in this one. As they are seperate stories, they also have seperate reviews. You can find it in my signature.

Wow.

Wow.

I am struck dumb by your intense writing ability.
This work is so good it gives me seizures.

This here epic is magnifique.

Pardon my french (hee hee).

Seriously, Mr. Of The Stars, this epic is worthy of a whole lot more than a commendation. Keep up the good work.


That said, I do have some thoughts. Try to stop mixing "old-style" and "new-style" language. It makes the story seem a little odd. You know, like, "As Pohatu slowly crept into the chamber, he said, 'Jeez, this is cool.'"

No complaints on the plot, though.

Amazing epic! I like the way you posted a section of a later chapter in the begining, as Gali's dream. The plot and details are very imaginative, too. And, of course, there's your writing style. Excellent! It's also very creepy, with the soul-eating and sentences like "Lewa took two steps - and died." I'm almost done, and am reading Book 2 right after. Once again, great job (don't believe me, listen to HauNuva - he reviewed first, and wrote the Exosphere trilogy!).

Amazing! Those were two very fast reviews! Glad you like my story, and I'm glad I don't need to bug poor divcotta anymore. Oh, yes, and welcome to BZP!

Remember, don't double post.

Dark Wairuha, thanks for reading my epic also.

Oh my goodness!! I read the first chapter just now and I'm hooked! I don't have time right now, but I'll definitely come back and read the rest of your amazing story.

- Cloud (a.k.a. Cloudy)

This post has been edited by Cloud_of_Storms: Jul 15 2003, 01:30 PM