War For Omnimata, Review for the Epic Options

[Toa of the Stars]

Okay, review War for Omnimata here!

War for Omnimata, the epic, not the review, is here.

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jun 23 2003, 08:18 AM

[Nighthunter]

It's a great start! I like it and I hope to read more soon!
I already tracked the topic! Keep it up!

[Toa of the Stars]

Wow, I wasn't expecting reviews that fast! I'm glad you like thae first chapter, the other chapters will be similar for a while. Mostly. Chapter two should be up tomorrow morning.

[<daydreamer...]

Good start, TS but will we know if the Mata-Nuian Toa survived on the next chapter?

[Toa of the Stars]

You will know what happened to at least one of them. I'm very glad you like my epic, by the way, and thanks for reviewing. The next chapter should be up in a few seconds, by the way.

[Toa of the Stars]

I think it is OK to DP in your own review, so to answer a few reader's questions, the mask Hanri found in the ruins was the Vahi. Orange, only covers half the face, has a bunch of holes, you know?

[HauNuva]

HauNuva Initial Review
Story: 'War for Omnimata'
Author: Toa of the Stars

Having already been familiar with the impressive 'Entering the Void,' which began in a pedestrian manner but quickly escalated into a wild ride of discovery, danger, and death, we expected to be impressed by the sequel, 'War for Omnimata.' And we were.

The story begins with an emotional bang; over the first few chapters, two Toa wake up, and both find things: dead Toa, with and without souls, a Toa, and a mask. Although the story has only reached its second chapter, I presume this mask - the Vahi- will play a major part in the story, and there are hints one of the Toa has traveled in time.

Knowing the author, the plot will be both intensely focused and very epic. During the last story, we learned of the origin of Mata Nui and the other islands around it; we cannot wait to see what this story will reveal.

Toa of the Stars is very good at describing both action, environment, and emotion; he might want to show some inter-character interaction, but already he has done this. We see Hanri's intense grief at the destruction of his .... twin?...although Kopaka's cold personality seems unaffected by the lugging about of two dead Toa.

The only other major flaw in the story is the fact that he does not post an introduction. This is an unconventional thing to do, but wise in a sequel; perhaps Toa of the Stars ought to consider summing up the end of the last story for those just coming back.

We look forward to another great epic. What we have seen so far seems almost professional-level in terms of writing and plot; I simply cannot say enough good things about Toa of the Stars when I stop and think about this story.

HN Points Earned: 5 (+1 reading, +1 ease of reading, +3 general)
-

[Toa of the Stars]

Wow! Quite a review! Okay, I'll post an introduction, or add one to my first post. It might not be right now, though. However, it is a bit too late to edit Kopaka's personality flaw, but oh well...

Edit: The intro is up.

Edit 2: and people tell me that Kopaka's personality was not a flaw. I thought it was alright myself, but I write for the readers. So, anyway...

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jun 26 2003, 11:15 AM

[HauNuva]

Naah, I thought you portrayed Kopaka perfectly. He wouldn't outwardly show distress- in fact, he might intentionally shove it aside in an effort to be more objective and efficient. Somewhat Vulcan-ish, in fact.

So...(slavering unintentionally)...when's the next chapter?

-

[Toa of the Stars]

Right now!

P.S. I thought Kopaka's description was Okay too, but you won't see much of him for a while, so it doesn't matter.

[Rangi42]

Wow! I read this epic, then check it again 10 minutes later, and there's a new chapter already! And it's a really good chapter, too! The way you describe everything is wonderful - I can really see the destroyed, lifeless Mata Kanja. Kopaka's personality was fine - it's just how I envision him. Your solution for Hanri's problem - his finding of the Vahi - was described excellently, and was just... well... a perfect scene in your epic! And now Mata Nui has returned... This is just as good, if not better, as your prequel! Well, there's your jumble of unrelated, cliched (Amazing, wonderful, good description, etc), over-exclamation-marked review!

[Toa of the Stars]

Cliched or not, (and trust me, yours wasn't cliche, it was useful. I didn't know how people would react to Mata Nui's return), a review is a review, and, well, reviews are nice.

Unfortunately, Hanri's problem is far from solved! You'll see what I mean in a few chapters!

[WeirdBionicleDud...]

Mmmm... that's good epic!
It's interesting how all the skies are different colors. Mata Kanja's arrival was scary, but then Mata Nui saved the day! Although it does make sense.
Once Makuta died, Mata Nui would return.
So is Mata Kanja dead? Keep on writing a great story!

This post has been edited by pohatufan678: Sep 24 2003, 05:50 PM

[Toa of the Stars]

No, he's not dead. He'll be back! Hahahaha! Erm... yeah. Glad you like the new chapters. The differently colored skies are explained by certain locations. For example, where Kopaka wakes up, in a normal period in time, the skies look the same as they always have. Where gali woke up is the lost island, Mata Erasyu, which sank under a sea of protodermis, so the skies are silver-gray. There is also a detailed and scientific explenation of why Hanri's skies of the future are red.

WARNING! ENTERING SCIENTIFIC DISCUSSION MODE! WARNING!

Actually, it's kinds simple. Animals inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide, and plants kinda inhale carbon dioxide and exhale oxygen. Plants can't really breathe, so they absorb these substances through a different process which I'm not going to explain now. But the final result is the same, and oxygen and carbon dioxide levels are kept in check. However, if all the animals on the planet were to die suddenly, no more carbon dioxide would be produced, and oxygen would no longer be used up. As oxygen's crystalline color is red, the skies, having so much more oxygen than anything else, probably would turn orange, if not completely red, themselves.

SCIENTIFIC DISCUSSION MODE CONCLUDED!

Besides, red is such a cool color. Wouldn't it be intresting if you woke up one morning and the skies were red?

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jun 27 2003, 06:51 AM

[Toa of the Stars]

I just posted chapters 4 and 5. 4 is a but short, but I think I make up for it with action in chapter 5.

Edit: Now I have posted chapter 6! 3 in one day!

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jun 27 2003, 06:32 PM

[Rangi42]

Nice scientific explanation for the red sky, TotS... anyway, I've read your new chapters and they're really good. Antai's personality is interesting - like Kopaka, but not quite as cold. The chapter with Omnimata and Makuta as a non-dark, non-light Matoran god is a surprising addition. Be careful not to get readers mixed up with the various places and time periods everyone is in (not that I am, just as a warning - that kind of problem isn't too hard to do). These are some nice chapters you've added, and I hpethere'll be some more as good.

[Toa of the Stars]

Dark Wairuha, thank you for reminding me to check this: Is anybody confused yet?

I thought I explained pretty well, but then again, I also wrote it, so I can't see it from the eyes of readers.

So, if you are confused, just post and tell me what you are confused about, and I'll try to clear it up.

If you are not confused, that's fine.

I know time travel stories can get confusing, so just tell me if it is.

[WeirdBionicleDud...]

AAAHH! Kill the Makuta matoran!
Anyways, great job with chapter 4, 5, and 6.
It does get a bit confusing, but I figured it out.
Maybe there's a reason Mata Nuru didn't tell the Toa about Desh Narizan. Or maybe he never knew anything about him.
Keep on writing a great epic!

[Nighthunter]

Wow...I imagened any name for the Matoran, but not Makuta...
Great chapters! I'm an Omnimata-Fanatic.

[Toa of the Stars]

Nighthunter, I'm happy to hear it! A little point I think I should make: Remeber, Makuta was alive until very recently. That means the toa could kill him in the past and the entire future would be changed, or, if you look at it another way, because Makuta was alive in the present, that means he must have survived the toa's onslaught in the past! So, which one could it be?

I'm actually not sure yet myself!

[<daydreamer...]

Woah, this story is good! I never thought time-travel could take place on Omninata! I'll be waiting for more chapters to come

[Toa of the Stars]

Thanks for the feedback, <daydreamer>! You might want to edit your posts a bit, though, it looks like you triple posted.

Good luck on your sequel!

[HauNuva]

This epic is simply incredible. Watching all the Toa, scattered across time and space and meeting or battling gods, is simply incredible. Your story has an aura of incredible epicness which I could never replicate. This is such an incredible story.

I can't really tell you enough good things. Your descriptions of the various environments are wonderful. You pay attention to emotion. Your battle scenes are well-described. Characters are deep and well-developed. The plot is thick but not nonsensical- quite the opposite.

Well, I'm stunned. Anything in particular you want me to review? Any particular part of your story?

-

[Toa of the Stars]

Chapter 7 is up! Kopaka struggles within his own element on Sawru.

HauNuva, the only thing I would like you to tell is how the time travel works out, and how I could make it less confusing if it is confusing in the first place.

Keep reviewing the new chapters though. That's been an enormous help.

[HauNuva]

The time travel works out fine. You might want to occasionally make everything clear again here in the review topic, but otherwise it's perfect. One of the better-written time travel stories I've seen (although it's not all time travel.)

The plot isn't confusing at all; surprisingly enough for such a deep epic, it works out very well. I haven't hit any major snags so far.

I also liked your descriptions a lot! That last chapter was wonderful. I look forward to more!

-

[<daydreamer...]

That's so sad! Mata Nui had to destroy his creation...I wonder what happened to the villagers... Did they die?

[Toa of the Stars]

Well, there weren't any un-voided villagers left on the island, but they did die. It is sad, but the chapter was supposed to be a sad one.

[Toa of the Stars]

Chapter 9 is up. This chapter delves into theoretical space/time distortion. I hope people understand it. If not, regfer to this handy explentation.

First, let us assume that time is cangable, and if you went back in time and changed something, the future would change.

Now, lets assume you invented a time machine, went back in time, and killed your parents. If you killed them, then you would never have been born. If you were never born, then you could never have made a time machine, so you could never had gone back in time and killed your parents. That means your parents would be alive. If they were alive, they would have given birth to you, and you would have grown up and built a time machine. Then you would ahve gone back in time and killed them.

You see, one event leads to another, and the cycle keeps repeating. You become trapped in time.

There is a second way of looking at this. This way is much more simple.

The second idea assumes time does not change. If you went back in your time machine, that means it already happened. Everybody in the past would know that you would grow up and build a time machine, so when you finally did it, the event wouldn't change anything, because it already happened.

I hope that clears stuff up.

[WeirdBionicleDud...]

Sorry for the delay of reviews. I was on a little trip, and then my computer didn't work but anyways, here is my (short) review.
The thing with Kopaka sounds strangely familiar. (Comic #10!)Were you trying to make it like that? I don't have much time here. I have to get going. Just one last question. Why did the Vahi shatter? Does this mean they can never get back to the future? Keep on writing a great epic!

This post has been edited by pohatufan678: Jul 4 2003, 08:00 AM

[Bolt: The Guardi...]

QUOTE (pohatufan678 @ Jul 4 2003, 07:59 AM)

Why did the Vahi shatter?

I have the same question. Was the mask under some kind of stress? Your great at writing an epic. Although I was disappointed when Lewa had to die,(he's my favorite character) I still think you're doing a great job. It was amazing how that time travel logic made so much sense.

[Toa of the Stars]

Ooh, new reader! Lewa will be back! Don't worry! Why did the Vahi shatter? Desh Narizan, who appears to be a cosmically powerful being, is alive and well in early Omnimata. Desh Narizan, a.k.a. the infamous Him, obviously wishes the death of the Toa, because they seek to destry his minions, and maybe even Desh Narizan himself. Of course, he doesn't want that. The mask breaking is just a small suggestion of his true power.

Did the scene come from comic ten? Can't say, I never read any of the comics. Kopaka trapped in an icestorm seemed like a good idea to me. I will read the comics now.

Will they get back to the future?

I don't know! Will they? (Maniacal laughter echoes throughout the forums)!

Edit: Glad the time travel made sense. I tried pretty hard to make it make sense. Thanks for reading!

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jul 4 2003, 04:32 PM

[<daydreamer...]

Wow, looks like the trio are trapped like rats! You're really getting very good at writing, TS. *checks nameless sequel* and by the looks of things, your writings are better than mine!

[HauNuva]

Oh, those last two chapters were great.

Mata Nui and Gali's sudden entrance and preservation of a few other Toa were great- very well-described. And then poor Mata Nui had to sink his namesake island. (Sniffle.) You described the emotion for that moment very well.

And the time-travel discussion with the back-time Toa was great too. You got the ideas across very well (I have studied time travel for quite a while.) And then there was the whole 'predestination' thing, which was great!

Looking forward to more...

-

[Toa of the Stars]

To clear up, in case people don't understand: The toa are only predestined through the second scenario, and that is because everything they do was done by them before. They are just proceeding to do what they did a while ago. They already did it in the past, and now that they are in the past, their past is now their present, so they must do it, because in the future, they already did it. If this confuses you, forget this. Just read the examples I gave in chapter 9. Still, predestination, or even only temporal predestination can be quite a problem...

HauNuva, I thought you would have studied time travel stuff. I could tell, somehow.

This post has been edited by Toa of the Stars -: Jul 6 2003, 08:24 PM

[Toa of the Stars]

Chapter 10 has arrived! I think this one is action packed and long and cool and everything, so enjoy!

[<daydreamer...]

I guess we're having roasted Antati tonight...
That chapter was great! I wonder if the melted body parts will remain like that...

[Toa of the Stars]

Whether Pohatu will be able to fix his legs or not, you can consider him badly wounded at the moment.

Glad you liked the current chapter, by the way...

[Nighthunter]

Great chapter! I hope Antati leaves the forest being blue...and not black and fried...

Keep it up!

~Omnimata-Fanatic~

[Toa of the Stars]

New chapter. This one is short and doesn't have much action. It brings up a serious problem, though...

[<daydreamer...]

Oh dear...amnesia I guess. I bet Chrunus will be having a big headache after finding the two missing Toa.