The Chronicles Of Velox Review Options

[Jedi Gali]

Ah, I finally got around to reading this. First off, I've got to say that this has to be the most massive prologue I've ever seen on Bzpower. I mean, it's huge! It's longer than some of my chapters put together.

But enough about its length. The idea is interesting but also seems a little scattered. At first I thought it was about Velox fighting the Makuta and then suddenly he goes on a quest to save himself which takes him through the Mangai Volcano. And then, he goes back to Mata-Nui to find his friend has become first a Toa and then a Dark Hunter. So now, he wants to save his best bud. All that could have made an entire epic. This was just super condensed.

I dunno. Maybe that's the way you wanted it. After all, this is the prologue for several books, right?

One thing I wanted to mention was description. There are times when you go into great detail and others when you merely skim over it. Such as the return to Mata-Nui after he became a Makuta. You barely described it at all. But then you mentioned a lot about the Lythek, the droids, and how they fought.

I really didn't want to be so negative, but those things bothered me a little. Tell me when you get the first chapter up!!!

-JG

This post has been edited by Jedi Gali: Jun 17 2008, 07:42 PM

@ Shadow Leech: Sorry I sized down your font, but as I've told you numerous times, it's quite annoying. . .

Here goes:

The next section is okay, but 'Toa Shanok Velox'? () Dont know why, it just seems a bit strange.

Yes, Shanok is my Toa-team name. So, it's like Toa Nuva Tahu.

1) Eh, whatever.
2) What do you mean? It's just a Cyborg, meaning a robot with one eye. . .
3) No.
4) Yes.
5) Yeah, I guess it does. I didn't realize that.
6) Who said they did? Teridax deserted that long ago, then Turaga Martek's team put the Charm of Light there, along with a few guardians. What they didn't put there was the Cyborg, Dragon, Lythek, and Arthrax.
7) Who said I did? His body exploded. It could have been a body similar to Maxilos
8) >_< You did not just think that. That's not even how you would write it for a sheep.
9) Obviously, he wasn't completely defeated, since he vanished. If he was defeated, he'd die, not vanish. Also, if you had just met your best friend, and found he was evil, wouldn't you too try your best to kill him?
10) Yes.

And I just realised something weird; your Elmental powers are Electricity and Shadow, your mask powers are Sheilding and Teleportation, well - that's the same as mine!

Oh, was the singing thing deliberate?

May I divert your attention here?

-=SL=-

It's only Shadow when I'm mutated, because I would then be a Shadow Toa, no longer having Electricity. And, Teleportation and Telepathy are my mask powers. I can switch to a Hau or Miru, but they're not my 'mask power' per-say. Teleportation=being able to go somewhere quickly, even far away. Telepathy=The ability to communicate through the mind. A mask power I receive after I become un-mutated, along with my Miru. I've had my Hau, but I get my Miru after. I may decide to have another mask or two, but I'm not sure what they'd be yet. I'm thinking a Akaku.

Singing?

Sure, I'll look at it.

Thanks for your input!

This post has been edited by .:Toa Velox:.: Jul 27 2008, 07:12 PM

[munkeymunkey]

Closing per request of author...