Learn To Fly :: Review, the journey continues Options

[ToM Dracone]

Learn to Fly

There you go, the story. As I said in the story topic, this is an alternatative to Dark Mirror – no Toa of Light and Shadow, no Toa Empire, no Empress Tuyet, no dimension-hopping. Instead this focuses on Takanuva as he trains under the Order of Mata Nui and then the journey he takes to Karda Nui, and also the means of getting there. In my version of things Takanuva 2008 is not a giant; he's a normal-sized Toa packaged with... something else that I will eventually reveal once I'm done designing it.

But anyway, read on, and tell me what you think! Don't worry about being harsh with me. If you don't think something works or you don't like a certain part, tell me. It's the only way I can make it better. (And of course please do point out typoes when you find them.)

I'm sure I'll find something more interesting to put here eventually... Oh, one last thing, remember to use spoiler tags if you're discussing something in the story that was revealed in BL10.

~ ToM

[-ReVenge-]

A bit confusing, but good! I had to read it twice to figure out what was happening. I'm very eager to read on.

Yes. I love this.


And typo I believe-- when you split the story as he loses conciousness (right?) there should be a period.

Awesome story here ToM! As usual, I found no mistakes ( ).

I really like this though, and I think it's much better than Dark Mirror, only because Dark Mirror was sort of weird on how it was written, etc.

I am also very glad that you decided to make Takanuva the normal-Toa, rather than the not-so-Toa-but-titan-thing. The whole thing though is very well written, the description is supurb, as usual! I do wish the chapter was at least a little longer. I myself like the longer chapters, as long as it's written by a great writer like you! Speaking of which, are you ever going to finish QfLD?

Ah! Wait! I did find a mistake! ( )

“No!” shouted a female voice.

According to Takuta-Nui, if there's a exclamation point or question mark ending the quote, the next word needs to be capitalized. So, it should be: "No!" Shouted a female voice. Still, your writing is excellent!

If I may suggest though, I would write the whole epic before posting it. Then, you can post chapters every week, and you'll never not post [like with QfLD]. Takuta-Nui, Cederak, and others all do that. I try to too.

Well, since there's not much more to say, I await the next chapter!!

[ToM Dracone]

Wow, thanks everyone. Posting early to say that the second chapter won't be added until July 15th, when BL10 spoilers are allowed. I had forgotten that BZP and BS01's spoiler policies are out of sync, so I can't post it until then. Ah well...

Ecto ~ Not sure exactly where you're referring to... A quote, perhaps?

Velox ~ Thanks! The second chapter's longer than the first, at least, by about a page. I should at least have a few chapters written in advance by the time I post the second. One reason I don't finish epics before I post them is that it sometimes takes me quite long to write, so it would be ages before I could post anything at all... but I think I've broken my QfLD writer's block, so there will be a new chapter to that today or tomorrow, definitely.

I'm afraid it's Takuta-Nui who's wrong there – even though there's a different punctuation mark than a period (which becomes a comma) at the end of the quote, the "said" part isn't a new sentence, so it isn't capitalized. It's exactly the same situation as a quote that would end with a period, where the period becomes a comma ending the quote, only there's a different punctuation mark.

ShadowBolt ~ Um, since it says "Chapter 1", that makes it the first chapter quite explicitly. I actually did think somewhat of Harry Potter at that part... don't remember exactly which scene...

Black Storm ~ Nope, no dimension-hopping at all. Brutaka's off with the Federation of Fear already. So there should be nothing going horribly wrong... Yeah, later chapters will be longer.

Zee Toa of sonics ~ I'd love one.


To all I didn't address directly, thankees much as always!

Wow that was good. If i didn't know better i'd say you were Gregf.

[ToM Dracone]

The second chapter is posted! But since it deals heavily in spoilers from the BL10 prologue (and epilogue), remember to use spoiler tags when discussing it, won't you?


Velox ~ Well, this chapter's longer. And we'll see about updating, however busy I end up being this week... Your post did surprise me with the blue at first.

Toa Mazeka ~ Thanks! Remember to post in the review topic, not the epic, though, won't you?

[toa of shadow-fi...]

Well I already love this story. This is exceedinly well written, you've actually made me like Takanuva again!

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

You did a good job describing Helryx even if we don't know her actual mask, what gave you the idea to give her an eyepatch?

Seeing as this is an alternative to Dark Mirror I wonder how you'll continue keeping it like the story while making it all your own? Well KUTGW.

Just to be safe and neat, I'll just spoiler my entire review if you won't mind.

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

I liked this chapter a lot and I enjoyed all the references to Bionicle Legends 10 especially in the beginning, but to be honest, I thought the first part was too similar to the book and it seemed that you copied some sections straight from the book.

Anyways, I liked your description of Helryx, and just one question -- does her mask look like Gali Mistika's mask? It was pretty funny to read Takanuva's thoughts on the mouth hole.

I look forward to reading this epic and do me a favor -- don't let this turn into your other epic Quest for Lost Dreams...

~SB~

This post has been edited by ~ShadowBolt~: Jul 15 2008, 02:50 PM

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I liked your description of Helryx, but the mesh thing on her left eye makes her seem like a pirate.

A homage to Ninjo, perhaps?

Anyways, I liked the chapter, but it seemed a bit clinged to Bl10's prologue and epilogue.

Next chapter will detail Taka's training on Daxia, correct?

~MX

[Ol' Dlakii]

I think I can safely say that I like the look of this.

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

I must say, I really like your description of Helryx; how you made her armour and Kanohi seem prototypical and the blue and black colour scheme. The glittering effect you mentioned makes me think Inika for some reason.

You've done an excellent job of the descriptions.

I'll be back for the next one...

I loved the latest chapter Tiome! I really don't mind at all about Takanuva not being in it, and I love that it was six pages long.

One thing:

You six are the only ones in this city who know of the Order’s existence

Wouldn't it be seven, because he's addressing the Toa Mahri and Turaga Vakama?

I also hate how Kongu is a Mahri . . . that just doesn't fit my impressions of a Toa of Air. Well, it's not your fault - you can't really do anything about it. I mean, shouldn't Air Toa be sleek and straight-backed so they can fly easier? Ah well.

I love the dialogue, and the details around it. I'm not sure why, but I just love this sentence:

“Safely, yes,” said Krakua, returning his stare. “I have delivered my message, and it is unwise for me to speak more than I was told to.”

You always have the right words to say, which makes it so much better.

I also love the Kongu-slang part. Even in times like that you always put the sentence(s) together nicely.

Once again, your description of characters is also quite impressive, especially Krakua, who I really don't know much about.

Lastly, I pulled out my Return of the King soundtrack, and I couldn't find a song called Houses of Healing. Is there perhaps another name for it?

Wouldn't it be seven, because he's addressing the Toa Mahri and Turaga Vakama?

Matoro's dead...

Well, that was a really good chapter ToM, and I really don't see a big deal about Takanuva not being in the chapter. As Lady K said, Krakua seems to be a little too confident and experienced for a new Toa.

~SB~