Review: Glitch In The System Options

[Lady Kopaka]

Glitch in the System is still under construction. But you can still review the story here, and I'm trying my best to get it all up again.

::Link to Epic::

This post has been edited by Lady Kopaka: Sep 5 2009, 02:50 PM

[Uncle K.com]

You have a talent for writing the most un-campy stories ever.
It's amazing. Can I eat your brain so I may gain this power too?

I especially loved the two character's way of playing off each other. You gave them great chemistry, which is one of the big things this epic has going for it. It might be cliché, but it's still awesome. I look foreward to how you portray the amnesia part as something original to the story, because frankly, someone needs to take a new spin on it, and I assume you'd do a better job than most. I also love goggle-guy's attitude, but when he introduces himself it seems a bit rushed. I dunno if a mercenary or the like would be so quick to jump to formalities and names. Even if he is 'flamboyant.'
I think the best part of all though, was that you made them human. Well, human-ish. The way bust-lady fell unconscious was extremely realistic, instead of the main characters always grunting and them acting like they never got hurt. I almost clapped out loud, but you weren't there to almost hear me.
GRAMMAR
you know what? screw it
go get an editor, I aint fixin all your mistakes



... :P

This post has been edited by Sirius Black: Jul 15 2008, 03:28 PM

[Swert]

...

*hugs*

It was worth the wait, LK. I can honestly not wait to read the next chapters.

I also love how you build up to a small battle with only one chapter. Believe me, I could never do that. It usually takes me 3-4 to explain it all.

Bravo. I'll anticipate the rest soon. -Swert

Very interesting, I liked it... it's like what a real battle would look like, and feel like. Plus, there was good introductions to the characters, and action, plus descriptive uses of the powers. I like it Hope you get to write more of it...

[Tahuri]

Bravo,

The description was amazing, and the characters personalities fit very well. You really know how to grasp the readers attention with the opening sentences, which is a job well done. ^^ I can't wait to read more!

[Toa Inari]

Wow, Just amazing. Its like your painting (or drawing ) a picture of every scene in the readers head. 9/10 because both parts looked a little smushed. But other than that it was a great story.

[corocoro]

I think this epic will turn out to be a great story. The descriptions are very well done, it's like you drew every scene and put it in front of the readers face. Everything fits nicely together, personalities, attitudes, and all that. Hope next chapter will come soon

z



This post has been edited by Zebrow: Jul 16 2008, 07:05 PM

[Lady Kopaka]

You have a talent for writing the most un-campy stories ever.
It's amazing. Can I eat your brain so I may gain this power too?

No you cannot eat my brains. I’ll let you borrow it sometime though, but there isn’t much in there. D;

I especially loved the two character's way of playing off each other. You gave them great chemistry, which is one of the big things this epic has going for it. It might be cliché, but it's still awesome. I look foreward to how you portray the amnesia part as something original to the story, because frankly, someone needs to take a new spin on it, and I assume you'd do a better job than most. I also love goggle-guy's attitude, but when he introduces himself it seems a bit rushed. I dunno if a mercenary or the like would be so quick to jump to formalities and names. Even if he is 'flamboyant.'
I think the best part of all though, was that you made them human. Well, human-ish. The way bust-lady fell unconscious was extremely realistic, instead of the main characters always grunting and them acting like they never got hurt. I almost clapped out loud, but you weren't there to almost hear me.

Yeah I’m a bit worried how cliché this story will be, but I’m seriously trying my best to make sure it doesn’t be like that. The amesia part is a challenge, but I think I have an idea how to spin it around so it’s a tiny bit original.
I also kind of agree, about Komas rushing to introduce himself. But I wanted to keep the story up beat and not get too slowed down on conversation yet. And another thing… about the heroes never getting hurt drives me crazy! So don’t be surprised if these characters get knocked around a lot before the story is over. :3 Thanks for the review!

...

*hugs*

It was worth the wait, LK. I can honestly not wait to read the next chapters.

I also love how you build up to a small battle with only one chapter. Believe me, I could never do that. It usually takes me 3-4 to explain it all.

Bravo. I'll anticipate the rest soon. -Swert

Oh man doing the action is so hard, but I’m glad it came out decently acceptable, hopefully the whole story will be just as good. Thanks swert! ^^;

Wow, Just amazing. Its like your painting (or drawing ) a picture of every scene in the readers head. 9/10 because both parts looked a little smushed. But other than that it was a great story.

Thanks a bunch, I tried to be very descriptive in my writing. Also pardon me, but what parts? My format writing looked smushed?

Once again I love reading your work and I shall always do so. It's been an honour helping you write out ideas to write up into excellent stories such as these. I cannot wait to see what is in store for them next.

Rapi-Toa of Elements

Yeah seriously thanks so much for all the suggestions and keeping my brain on the right track. Speaking of which you need to get on MSN sometime cause I have some ideas I need clearing up on. xD

.... Does Komas wear those goggles for a special reason, or for fun? KUTGW!

At the moment, Komas wears them cause he think he looks awesome with them on.

One chapter and I'm hooked. Wow, I'm glad I clicked.
This has great potential, and to make sure it comes along, I'll be following it closely.
Tachi has amnesia? Oh dear. Like Sirius Black up there, I do hope you put a spin on it and make it interesting.
Komas was an instant favorite for characters, in my book. i always liked the flamboyant, gentlemanly types of people.
And I picture Komas with a cloak and a top hat. Isn't that odd.

Thanks for the review, and like I told UK I’m going to try my best hand at pulling some original ideas up for the amnesia. And I love Komas, he is extremely fun to write about. Sadly I think I will pass on the cloak and top hat, but I can imagine it too.

Oh, but at one point...

“I knew sooner or later that someone would come for me.” The Makuta spoke out bitterly, and turned to face the Toa. His black and golden rusted face stared at them. ..... “Makuta that get there claws in too deep will get much worse than what most peaceful beings could offer as punishment.”

Wouldn't that be a their?
Besides that, no grammar mistakes found.

I believe you are correct, thanks for pointing that out.

Thank you everyone for the reviews and critique, Chapter 2 will be put up sometime today.

[EETOXED]

This is great! I don't usually read Epics that often, but this Title looked interesting. And it was MUCH better than expected. I personally liked the fast-paced action, and all that. Any idea if you will be making more? Cuz now I'm hooked. Again, this was amazing, and I look forward to part 2 (if there will be one).

~LN~

[Populus]

As I've said, it's awesome. Got me interested.

Plus I just love the GitS references

<3

[Toa Xenronn: Mas...]

This is a great (and possibly the best) epic I've read in a while. you had me interested when "toa of electricity" was mentioned. I've considered making an MOC of Tachi, ever since I saw the first sketch of her. But it may not work on account of the fact that I have no purple pieces.... If I ever make it work, I'll post a link or something in here.

_Xenn

This post has been edited by '`Xenronn`': Jul 26 2008, 03:02 PM

[Swert]

I liked #3.

You did an excellent job of showing a true threat coming from everywhere around them, even from above it seems.

I do want to point out -one- flaw, in that the Calix doesn't make something impossible become possible, it merely enhances the user's ability. If he could jump rather high, the mask would allow him to jump even higher. However, the other depictions are accurate enough (dodging bullets and whatnot). In fact, kinda reminds me of the Dune series how the good guys have the ability to dodge anything in quick speeds.

Also, I love the idea of them fighting off Rahkshi without any problems. Considering it took 6 Toa Nuva plus a Toa of Light to defeat 6 of them, having two Toa fight off 8 or more of them just adds to their coolness factor.

Plus, I'm envisioning all of this when I read it in a scene with the Ghost in the Shell-esque scenery and color schemes, and so far it looks awesome. I'm just wishing someone could animate this and make it an awesome short movie. I'd totally voice-act for one of the characters. And no, doing sprites would not do it justice, it'd have to be flash drawn. -Swert

[Rapi-Toa of Elem...]

Wow, just...Wow.

From the slow and peaceful pace at the start it suddenly sped up to a race to survive for the 2 toa.

I look forward to reading more of this!

Oh and be careful of them snipers!

Rapi-Toa of Elements

[-//Vorksie]

I'm liking Komas more and more as this story progesses.
And i'm liking Tachi almost as much...
As Swert said, the way they fought off the rahkshi was excellently done. Reminds me of the opening scene from Lost Odyssey.
And I like the way you slowed down through section 2... Held it there for a second... And then threw us into a lengthy, punchy fight scene that reminded you that the story was a fast-paced cyberpunk one.
It was brilliant.
And are you entirely sure that Tachi's fighting style isn't based off Ryu Hayabusa's? Though you probably have no idea about who i'm talking about, it fits perfectly.

I do look forward to reading more of this, and I want to see what Komas does. It's bound to be fatal, judging by the situation.

This post has been edited by -Black Storm-: Jul 29 2008, 03:52 AM

[Fightman]

....

*eats lady k's brain*

An artiste.. and a fantabulous writer? I feel so outclassed by you now. The descriptions it begins with are very gripping, to say the least. It is a positively wonderful story, and I expect much greater things to come after.

Lady Kopaka, you are like brilliance and versatility embodied.

EDIT: Not really relevant at all to anything, but looking at your Komas sketches, the words "Italian demolitions expert" are flashing in my mind. How strange.

This post has been edited by F!GHTY™: Aug 2 2008, 08:24 AM

[Rapi-Toa of Elem...]

*eats lady k's brain*

You may feast AFTER me.

Unless I of course prevent you from doing it in the first place...

Anyway I loved your new chapter KL, I especially like how Komas was beginning to get more angrier and nearly ripped apart the servant's head!

I can't wait to see what Chapter 5 has in store for the duo, and hopefully Komas can keep his pickup lines to himself otherwise Tachi may have to stop him (And I doubt Komas would really want that...)

Once again great chapter, I expect more ownage from the both of them!

Rapi-Toa of Elements

[Satua]

I find very few epics on BZP that are actually good or interesting, this is definitely among thet number.

So we're waiting for chapter 5.




~KS~

[Uncle K.com]

I adore the rocky relationship between Tachi and Komas, but I was elated to see her finally smile at him.
Relationships are the best parts of stories and movies and everything else, and so you better not disappoint.
I can't really comment on anything else, just because the end of chapter four blew everything thing else away.

At least for me.

[-//Vorksie]

I'll agree with everything Sirius said.
And Komas just talks smooth. Like, really smooth.
And I'm just going to bookmark this already.

Eagerly anticipating the next chapter and all.

[Lady Kopaka]

I usually post when I'm going to show a new chapter within the next hours, but I'll just clarify this debate now. [Next chapter will be up tomorrow if anyone is curious]

Komas is a mercenary. He is not tied to the Dark Hunter organization in any way. In fact I'm not sure if he has done any work for them, I'd have to look back in his profile and figure that out. Anyway, Komas just works solely and gets hired by various companies and groups to do dirty work, apparently just for money.
But even so, Komas still is 'technically' a good guy, he doesn't do flat out murder jobs and stuff, so concluding he isn’t an evil character, even if he is a bit dubious.

The business that hired to kill the Makuta isn’t very significant to the story, but it does get some further explanation later in the story to those who are curious.

[The Power that I...]

Ah, so we are given a little glimpse into why Komas is Komas. He's laughing at the darkness by the looks of things...
Makuta Szian gets more mysterious each time. He's turning into a sort of Frankenstein figure, with Tachi as his Creature...

[Lady Kopaka]

Thanks for the comments guys. Chapter 7 is now up; we now get insight on who the group of pirates are. =)

Edit: On second thought, more people than I suspected want to eat your brain. So I'll just settle for whatever's left. After all, they called dibs.

My poor brain. ;;

I meant that he might be bleak and miserable inside, and the only thing left for him to do is laugh. Or laughing because it makes things seem more bearable.

Oh I get you now, but yeah you have a good eye about how he could be.

I wonder who the captain is and why Komas knows him. I'm reminded of the scene in Stardust when we find out that Captain Shakespeare is actually a nice chap after all.

Though I never really liked the movie Stardust, Captain Shakespeare was pretty cool! ^^

And Uchik... What an odd name. Szian, Uchik, Jiahk. They all have some sort of, uh... Well, they all have the same sort of sound to them.

Sorry about that; it’s hard to keep creating original names, so sometimes they may sound similar. >< Though I admit, there may be a reason a name or two could sound similar… so be open about that.

Kind of a real pity he's dead now, too. I would have loved to hear more of Tachi's backstory, even if it was cryptic. Ah well, just need to wait until next time.
I thought the bandits were pirates at first, sailing on a ship, not in an airship. But, either way, they're still interesting. Least we won't be reading "Arr!" five hundred times, then, right?

Well just because he is dead doesn’t mean we’ll never see him again. He’ll probably show up in flashbacks. And these are air pirates, but they don’t do the annoying ‘arr’ thing I assure you. xD

I really liked this chapter. It didn't have any action or really very much suspense, but a good story doesn't need those to be appealing. It made me wish I was on board the ship, minus the horrible food and song XD .

I really enjoyed this chapter, it introduced a lot of good characters


Keep writing!

[The Power that I...]

Nice set up with Yuuzian and Vheon. They have that piratey camaraderie in spades, you did a good job with their characters.
Also a good job in strengthening Tachi and Komas's relationship. Despite her supposed indifference you can tell he's having some effect (espeially with the singing )

[Uncle K.com]

Yo-ho, yo-ho,
A Pirate's Life for me.

Besides the obvious PoTC reference that is pardoned for being from the first one, I loved the most recent chapter. Granted, not as much as the end of chapter four (dunno why, just do) but it's great. I'm glad the focus and perspective was still Tachi's, as her reaction to the Pirates and Komas's relationship with the captain if pulled off expertly. Drunken pirates are always the best pirates.
Looking back to the sixth chapter, this was one of the best written ones. The way Tachi lashes out at Komas is pretty darn realistic to how a lot of us would respond, and it was entirely believable. The Glitch is more widely known... hmm. Maybe we'll get more hints as to what the glitch is later. (Well, I guess to wrap up the story you'll eventually have to come out with it)
Chapter five; a good chapter. Looking back, am I safe to say that the bit before the narrative was talking about Tachi being in a similar state like her brother? Will there be another flashback explaining the glitch, or was that a one-time thing to start off the journey to Szian's island? And man! When you said a loooong time ago one of them used to be a cop, I had my money on Tachi, until I forgot about that and then read this chapter. Hopefully we'll hear more about why the circumstances turned Komas like he is. Secondary character origins are just as important you know.
Anyway, wonderful, excellent writing.
Moarmoarmoar.
Nownownow.
Please.

[-//Vorksie]

Of all ways to end the chapter, Komas starts singing. It somehow reminds me of SPIRIT's PSA's.
So Komas is on good terms with the captain? I was with Tachi, I thought it was a botched job too.
The new names are nice. Though you sorta have to read and re-read them to properly pronounce one or two of them, they roll off of your tongue very nicely.
And I meant to say the tone of voice with which you say those names (Uchik, Szian and Jiahk), not the sounds themselves. They're all quick and punchy-like, is all.
And for some reason air pirates seem more awesome than sea pirates. Raid from the skies!

Love the new chapter, but loathing the waiting that follows until the next one.

[Vezok's friend]

Hehe...it's been a while since I read an epic. But Komas goggles really got me into it again. I only read to section 3.0 now, but I reall enjoy it. It's awesome.
My favourite parts: Mood. The one thing I look forward to the most. And you nailed it down here. Dark dreary, and overall just something that makes you want to have a cup of warm tea and a blanket to fight of the winter-feeling.
Second: Names. Oh how I love them ^^ Some other epic characters, or any fanfic charries have names that do not really fit in the universe...but this..this is really good.
Third: Scenery: The way Szian looked at that glasscontainer with the green liquid? Whoa...it's...awe and art inspiring.
Fourth: It's stretched a little. With lots of room for small revealing dialogue, letting me find out about the charies without actually talking about them in depth but not making it too superficial and only action. The action itself was pretty awesome too. And I swore I could almost hear the sound of Tachi running across those rooftops.

So, I will read the other 5 sections asap, then I'll be back here This is and will be great!

[Toa Xenronn: Mas...]

Ep 7:

For the entire Cabin scene (with just Tahci & Komas), all I was thinking was:

"Come on! kiss! kiss! kiss! kiss!"
And that song was AWESOME. I'm gonna memorize and sing it, you can count on it. Lady, you have truly taken my breath away (yet again).

_Xenn
PS: And good job with the Pirate vocabulry.

Edit:

Yonder it is!
My fairest sweetheart, the Vortixx lady dances and prances!
She sings and swings, yet alas to our pain,
Before the end of the day, my fairest Sweetheart had us all in chains!
Now I sit in the dark, wrapped in steel's cold embrace,
With the scars of scorn painted over my face!
When will thier torment cease to be? Oh,
that sweet Vortixx Lady who hath scarred me!
Heh!
yo ho and all that stuff.

This post has been edited by '`Xenronn`': Sep 7 2008, 11:44 AM

[Raia- Warrior of...]

It's 'Raia stopped being too lazy/busy to review' time!=D

“She’s rather… atypical, is she not?”
.....Komas grinned, leaning back in his seat as he looked at Tachi.
.....“No captain, more along the lines of… appealing.”

Daaaaw.=3 I'm still squeeing over those lines; is way too adorable. Bwah. I love Komas.<3 Goshdarnit, get together with him already, Tachi!

I'm fond of Vheon, though he doesn't seem the pirate-y type. A smidgen of background on him would be nice. He's way too...whatchacallit...well let's just say he's too formal and composed to be a normal pirate. And gracious, his vocabulary...

What? No arrr's?! *Pouts*

Tachi's emotions and all are down-pat, the pirate crew adds a nice new element to the story...yadda yadda...a few grammar errors, but nothing that really bothered me all that much. So yeah, thumbs up and all that, yo ho. Get another chapter up before the weekend, and I'll be a happy chickadee. If not, well, I'll just pout a bit.x3

I'd go back and review the other chapters, but I don't have that kind of time...rest assured that they are made of win. Glitch is on my list of favorite BZP writings, up there with Dirty Window and all that jazz.^^

-Raia-

[Lady Kopaka]

Wow, reviews galore, thank you everyone!

Now I'd usually be responding to questions and whatnot now, but I'm just making this post announcing a slight delay in the next chapter. Well actually, it's already late and I was planning on updating this week, but I decided to do a major change at the last second. :/

Just for the record I am ahead of myself with chapters, but I looked back and noticed that the Sky Pirates didn’t really get enough screen time. So I’m squeezing in another chapter to fit more in, and that will take some rearranging too. So… delays until I finish chapter 8.

Ahah, sorry. xO

Hang in there guys, thanks for the support!

what...what happend?!
90% OF THE EPIC IS GONE!
NOOOO!!!!!!!
curse the MiB to karzahni, they will pay for this (I know its them cuz they delted all her art as well and replaced it with a little notice saying the MiB did it)....

--Ak

Hey, just calm down, it'll be okay.

If anyone does want the epic, I do have the whole thing saved on my computer, so I could get that to you. Maybe I could even have B6 or someone edit in every chapter. I won't be able to post any images, though, because I don't have those saved, and, unfortunately, her majhost was hacked, too. I'm pretty sure I have the whole story, though. Just let me know if you want it. :]