Reviewing For "the Strength Unbound", Terra Nui Talkback II Options

[Ballom Toa of Da...]

This was quite an interesting chapter. I really like how you switched off between the Torika and Daigolva, and the way you incorporated both of those happenings into the end had a great affect.

Thanks. I try to do stuff like that.

BToD:

I really like this chapter, it flows well together despite being two largely separate stories.

I'm lovin' the various names of the Quntaino we've seen thus far and their modes of operation.

Oh, and when Machi is discussing Ikki's awkward behavior I think you meant to use the measurement bio, much like the distance a cliff diver survives, and not kio, since 20 kio would be a fall of roughly 90,000 feet!

As always keep up the excellent work.

~ Åusår

*** Kemet Nui Epic Story Topic ~ Kemet Nui Epic Review Topic ~ Kemet Nui Epic MOC Topic ***

Okay, I changed that a while ago. Thanks for alerting me.

Yay for volcanic eruptions!! mabe i shouldnt of said that, anyway i think this chapter was brilliant.
the ending reminds of one day i said something like that and the schools fire alarm went off
keep up the good work!

Really? Then I guess that things in Bionicle do happen in real life.

Sorry i was gone a bit. I really need to keep up with reviewing...

So, the last to chpaters... The Toa got themselves a adventure. In the last epic, it foucsed on the Toa saving there island.Jst that.

In this epic, the Toa are saving another island, visiting another where they might encounter more problems, while the Torika and TGO be the heroes back home.

That's alot for one epic! Seriously, if you do all that and keep this an average epic lenght, i'll nominate you as one of the best writers on BZP (Besides Greg)

Keep it up man! There might not be so much action now, but i can now tell it's just waiting to burst...

Yeah, I know. But since this is the second epic, I wanted to broaden its scope a little bit.

You r a very good writer!
I can't wait to read more of your stuff!

Thanks.

Of course, I have a new chapter up, back on Punt Nui. Go read it!

~B~

[Fikou-Man]

Chapter 11: I really like Daigolva's introduced powers, really something original we haven't seen here. And yay, more Matoran! Hope to see how they'll fit in the story, maybe we'll see some interesting personalities. Some more of Daigolva would be awesome, he's just wicked, erupting a volcano with his mind.

Chapter 12: Oh, typical little henchmen. So silly you wanna pet them, so annoying you wanna club them if they would stop dodging. I gotta hand it to you, you have a knack for really bringing fiction plots to life. Strangely, I do begin to fear what the Vorukaia are like.

Epic chapter! The Vorukan are hilarious; they remind me of the Goblins or orcs of the Lord of the Rings. I am very excied to see the Vorukaia, especially their MOCs.

[Toa_Ausar]

~Ballom~:

Great new chapter here my friend.

I especially like how you concentrated on just one of the several groups patrolling the Punt Nui jungles instead of trying to cover all four in a short period of time.

The descriptions and dialog for the Vorukan was certainly excellent as well.

As always keep up the fabulous work.

~ Åusår

*** Kemet Nui Epic Story Topic ~ Kemet Nui Epic Review Topic ~ Kemet Nui Epic MOC Topic ***

This post has been edited by Toa_Ausar: Jun 22 2008, 04:58 PM

[Lieutenant mikeu...]

Ooh, nova blast time! Nice fight to! Glad we got some action!

Sweet chapter, lovin' all the rahi fights, and that was epic! Attar is one of my favorites in your story, so I like how you focused on him for most of the chapter. The end was awesome, I'm preparing for the first ever ice nova blast! Keep up the awesome work!

[biogio]

Quick mention on Chapter 11: What Toa Velox said is incorrect. "Wailed Kofu" is not a new sentence; it is the "tag" for the dialogue. As such, it should not be capitalized. Imagine using a comma there. It would still be a full sentence wrapped in quotation marks, but the capitalization would not be needed. (Also think that the period is changed to a comma to show it is one sentence.) Finally, the Word spelling/grammar-check software agrees with me.

On Chapter 12: I thought so because it is not a complete quotation (no comma, etc.) and is to show a word -- so if I were to mention looking up a word in a dictionary, I would say: "I looked up 'majestic,'" not: "I looked up 'Majestic.'" See?

Now Chapter 13: Komo's dialogue is a bit strange at the end.

Many thanks Mata Nui we now have you to protect us!

The grammar seems to have a mistake. "Many thanks Mata Nui," specifically seems like it should be reconfigured slightly. (I'm not saying he talks strangely, you know.)

As Attar crashed down on a mat of leaves and branches, the Ariakudo shot silvers threads out from its maw, while rolling Attar at the same time.

I think you mean "silver threads."

Finally, I applaud you. The word choice was top-notch, as usual. I liked the scientific vocabluary (e.g. "thorax"). Good job.

Bio BioGio Gio

EDIT: I re-read Chapter 11. There is no comma also. I am very, deeply sorry if I was confusing.

This post has been edited by biogio: Jun 24 2008, 07:57 PM

Alright, here are my review for Chapter 12 and 13. Sorry for not getting to this sooner, but I've had a lot to do.

I doubt that all six of them would attack us in broad daylight" Chompshi

I believe you missed your punctuation mark. . .

"It's been so quiet this morning, it's almost like we're being . . ."

I believe it would be more appropriate to use a '--' rather than the dots. . .

"Me gonna take Toa." The crimson and black leader of the Vorukan, Rojax, hefted his drill at Chompshi. "Youse got Matoran for selves, urg." As

On both of these quotes, I think you should use an exclaimation point or a comma, rather than a period. Then, if it's a comma, don't capitalize 'the' and 'as'.

Chapter 13:

On the other side of the rain forested area, near the edge of the Puntapau Plateau,

'Rainforested'? You need a space between 'rain' and 'for. . .' Also, I think it might be better just to say: “....'rain forest area. . .”

"So how exactly did this Aso assume control of Punt Nui?" he asked. "I mean, this war couldn't have started automatically."

'he' needs to be capitalized. After a exclamation point or question mark in a quote, you have to capitalize the next letter.

"I see." Attar

After 'see' you need a comma, not a period.

Be very, very, very quiet, y'all," she wispered. "I fear we may be in a sticky situation. Literally."

'ya'll' I hate that word And, it's 'whispered'.

Feinging unconciousness,

Neither of those words are words. . .

----------

Nice job ~Ballom~! I really enjoyed these two chapters, and I hope you write more soon! Anyway, just PM me when the next chapter is up!!!

[Lieutenant mikeu...]

Hmm, well, i'm sure that beasty is looking for more than just the Turaga's laundry.

Lol, the Green One i think is a hilarious character! Does he ever sit outside and exclaim over the shiny sun all day long?

Still wonder what that monster was looking for...

[Zorrakh]

Still wonder what that monster was looking for...

I have an idea, although I think I'll keep it to myself for now...
Could the eruption have been a signal, or was it used for some other means of comunication? I like the way you discribed the monster, it made me think of something like Pridak. Great job!

- Zorrkah, Over and Out -

Sorry I haven't posted here yet.

I like the way you used the Gatosuchys, though I invisioned them more as lake-dwellers than swamp-dwellers. Though the surprise attack fit perfectly.

Will the Scorporaka ever make a full appearance? How about my other 2 Rahi?
'
The Quintaino seem pretty cool, it's interesting that the Keystones were in fact eggs rather than being, well, just stones. Are they all based off of Barraki in appearance?

P.S. A tame Gatosuchys would be awesome. I just imagine it swimming rapidly through the lake, dragging a Bohrok-Va after it, with the Va whacking it with something to try to get it to slow down.

@ Ballom:

2) Yeah, at least, that's what I think.
3) Oh ok, in that case, its' fine.
4) We'll never know
6) Yeah, you're right. Sorry, I didn't quite catch that.
7) NEVER!!!!

No prob! Here comes another one! [if I can find mistakes. . . ]

Yay! More chapters!

"Look." The Geen One, who stood in front of the group, was pointing toward the volcano.

I think this one could use a comma, rather than a period. Unless, that's how he talks ()

And, I can't find anything else . . . Great job though! I see the improvement, the way you're using '--' more, etc. It all seems to be flowing more smooth than the last chapter, so good job!

Well, I'll be back for the next chapter!!!

[Tehina-toa of la...]

MONSTER PANTY RAID!!!!!!!


Shininess notwithstanding, another great chapter. Mountain go boom.

This post has been edited by Tehina-toa of lava: Jun 29 2008, 04:54 PM

[biogio]

Great! We get to see Lyse and Nuukor this time!

Obviously Talau's attack had not gone exactly as planned. As the Matoran began to back off, however, she screamed and leaped at Nuukor.

I think there should be a comma after the word "obviously." It is an introductory word, and needs it.

"You are very evil-bad, Vorukaia, and that battle-attack was badly planned." Lyse sternly stared at her with a look that made her wince. "You will leave this jungle-forest now, and report to your boss-superiors. Understand."

Here you probably want to have a question mark after "understand." Especially because Talau nodded afterward.

I too like the names. The Ko-Matoran Ogigi's name mainly. Is it, by chance, derived from "Ogigia," a mythical island?

Vuata Maca

Muata Vaca

Did I miss that these are different trees? Because I have not heard of a "Muata Vaca."

Bio BioGio Gio

[Ballom Toa of Da...]

~Ballom~:

Outstanding action involving this pair of Toa and their jungle cat foe Talau.

I can't wait for more from the Vorukan, as well as the rest of the Vorukaia.

Oh, and I also wanted to point out that I really like the names of the latest Matoran.

Plus the fact that they aren't just yet more Matoran of Water or Air (aside from Whetar) was refreshing.

By the way, what elemental tribe does Senko belong to?

As always keep up the excellent work.

Until next time.

~ Åusår

*** Kemet Nui Epic Story Topic ~ Kemet Nui Epic Review Topic ~ Kemet Nui Epic MOC Topic ***

If I get all of the pieces I would like from you, then there will be 2 Matoran of each of the 6 original elements on Punt Nui. So it just ended up that I've made 2 Le and Ga-Matoran appear first, that's all. By the way, Senko is a silver Ko-Matoran.

Great! We get to see Lyse and Nuukor this time!

Obviously Talau's attack had not gone exactly as planned. As the Matoran began to back off, however, she screamed and leaped at Nuukor.

I think there should be a comma after the word "obviously." It is an introductory word, and needs it.

"You are very evil-bad, Vorukaia, and that battle-attack was badly planned." Lyse sternly stared at her with a look that made her wince. "You will leave this jungle-forest now, and report to your boss-superiors. Understand."

Here you probably want to have a question mark after "understand." Especially because Talau nodded afterward.

I too like the names. The Ko-Matoran Ogigi's name mainly. Is it, by chance, derived from "Ogigia," a mythical island?

Did I miss that these are different trees? Because I have not heard of a "Muata Vaca."

Bio BioGio Gio

I edited the things you suggested, the first two were no-brainers! And you're right, I did intend for that to be a Vuata Maca tree, which is the real ones, as I looked up. Oops.

Sorry about the mistakes. At least I'm not misspelling anything.

~B~

This post has been edited by ~Ballom~: Jul 1 2008, 10:06 AM

[Zahaku Toa of Ra...]

Ballom:
In reply to your reply to my reveiw
Well I be smart enough to retreat from someone who could create portals and used them in battle. Also I dont think that keep charging an enemy that could make you sudenly fall from the sky or into the water is a very good idea.

This post has been edited by Zahaku Toa of Rahi: Jul 16 2008, 08:40 AM

[Ballom Toa of Da...]

~Ballom~:

Simply a wondrous introduction of the other four Vorukaia.

It's easy to tell that the battle for Punt Nui is certainly going to be interesting.

Now, I'm not too fond of the Toa getting in one last "cheap" shot, but then again, maybe it was the only means by which they could prod their foes out of Pe-Koro's limits?

Regardless, the surrender seemed all too easy, so I'd watch my back if I were the Toa Terra.

As always keep up the excellent work.

~ Åusår

*** Kemet Nui Epic Story Topic ~ Kemet Nui Epic Review Topic ~ Kemet Nui Epic MOC Topic ***

I wouldn't say it was a cheap shot, more of like a final attack on the Vorukaia. You know, just to warn them not to mess with Toa.

What a fight! Brief, but interesting and niecely detailed. Glad that Matoran once again prove themelves more than just helpless villagers.

The fight in the chapter before last was also quite decent. I enjoyed all the "Surprise!" portals popping up, immobilizing the Rahi. Man, evil Rahi are everywhere

Keep up the excelent work!

They are evil Quntaino, not evil Rahi.

Fantastic job on the new chapter, Ballom, and the fight scene was...delicious. I really like the vorukaia, and how they each represent some kind of rahi. Your descriptions of them are flawless as well, but I still look forward to seeing your mocs of them. Well done, once again.

Thanks. I await getting the MOCs to make them with too.

I think there is only one word to describe this chapter and that word is amazing.
Honestly I cant wait to see the vorukaia in Moc forms.

See above post. But yeah, thanks.

Gosh! You are fast! Now I've missed a chapter!

Chapter 17: We really need names for these Quntaino. I don't like calling them "the white and red Quntaino." It gets boring.

On the other hand, this chapter was really fast-paced. It seemed like a real, good battle. I like seeing the Torika and Matoran proving that they are not completely reliant on others. Mind you, I do not like Matoran like those of Voya Nui that are totally independant, but that's just personal preference.

And the ending was nice. I like the almost . . . soft ending. For some reason, trails of purple blood are soothing to me.

Chapter 18: So now we know that Senko is a Ko-Matoran. I wanted to see you work that answer into the story. Nice work ethic he's got. "Work all day." Dang!

Wow. I love the appearance of the Vorukaia. They're like Matoran-Rahi hybrids.

Gurza seemed . . . angry. Beat 'em to a pulp. Gosh! Anger management, man.

Hmmmm, the retreat does seem suspicious. Maybe it was for a trap at the Citadel! The Vorukaia probably realize the Toa want to reach the Citadel. Uh Oh.

Bio BioGio Gio

I'd say more like Vorukan/Rahi hybrids. And Gurza is your typical brawny character in comparison to Amun's brains. He just wants to fight and win, then ask questions later. And yes, he is a bit of a berserker.

Ballom:
In reply to your reply to my reveiw
Well I be smart enough to retreat from someone who could create portals and used them in battle. Also I dont think that keep charging an enemy that could make you sudenly fall from the sky or into the water is a very good idea. ;)

Probably not. As I said before, the Quntaino are not stupid, they just aren't aware of all of the Torika's powers or how to avoid them yet. Later on, once they become more experienced, the Quntaino will become quite the foes, I can tell you.

Speaking of which, the blue and white ones get named; or rather, names they always had, in the current chapter.

~B~

[Fikou-Man]

Sorry for missing two chapters, I haven't been feeling well. Having the Niagara Falls coming out of your nose and your eyes watering isn't the greatest.

Chapter 17: I noticed more use of violence here, but hey, I'm not complaining. Makes it more realistic, if anything. But I'm just wondering, are the Quntaino in charge of the Snimurai, or have any relation at all?
Chapter 18: So, Vorukaia got new upgrades, but it seemed like the battle was a bit short-lived. A casualty or two would've been realistic, even a death, though probably on the Vorukaia's side. Now about Aso's Citadel, what is it more like, Victorian or Roman style? Looking forward to it!
Chapter 19: Predacron? Sounds like some sort of Transformer. Well then, it'd be cool to see the Torika go all Optimus Prime on them. But I like his character, really suits his environment of water. Though the more dangerous waters, harsh, forceful waters near jagged rocks, between two cliffs, with the clouds casting a penumbra. Wonder what the Torika's next plan will be.

..V,()

Wow, great new chapter. I am very anxious to hear the matoran and torika's plan, and the new names for those Quntaino are very cool. I especially like Predacron, it just sounds cool and new, and it kinda reminds me of pteradactyl. Anyways, well done, and as always I can't wait to hear more.

[Zahaku Toa of Ra...]

Well done Ballom, another great chapter.
Cant wait for your next chapter or your next moc update.

Wow, awesome new chapter! The Quntaino certainly do like to stalk the matoran and Torika, don't they? I wonder if this will end in some court case, . I like the new name, Nosfernox. Very creative. Can't wait to see what happens next, especially with the Toa and of course, Ballom.

[Toa_Ausar]

~Ballom~:

As always, another fabulous chapter.

My main comment would have been, "a claustrophobic Ta-Matoran, how interesting" had I stopped at the first interlude, however I pressed on and thus my review is as much more in depth.

Ah, so Nosfernox is the Black Quntaino and he appears, like the rest of his brethren, to be incredibly adept at staying out of sight. I would like to point out the that fact being so close to the Matoran disturbed him is very interesting and should give members of your audience something to ponder.

I love that the entire chapter had a bit of a CSI: Terra Nui feel to it and like other aspects of your storyline was very scientific.

Lastly, swimming the caldera to catch up was a nice touch.

In terms of EDITS:

The second to last sentence of Chapter 20 should probably be rewritten to include "of" as the fourth word just prior to "ashen".

By the way, did you mean to say the flesh was "pale & sickly" when you used the word "ashen"? If so, outstanding mental image created, if not and you intended to say "covered in ash", then you might be better served to use either the word "blackened" or better yet "charred" since "ashen" has nothing to do with ash.

Oh, and I just noticed that you misspelled "Acko" in the character bios for the Ta-Matoran Matoba as well as in the description of the Rahi Magraka in your Inhabitants Topic.

Well that's all for now.

Until next time, keep up the excellent work.

~ Åusår

*** Epic Story Topic ~ Epic Review Topic ~ Epic MOC Topic ***

[Zahaku Toa of Ra...]

And another exellent chapter from ballom!
but wouldnt swiming in lava not kill him

[Lieutenant mikeu...]

Poor Nosfer... Having to go across the lava ...

Torika against Quantio... This is good...

but wouldnt swiming in lava not kill him

If he drowned in it, mabye.

[Zorrakh]

Lewa's right, something bad always happens when you go underground. I like how you wrote the part where Nosfernox buried himself into the soil and acted like a rock, and it worked a little too well.

Again, I hope I'm not being rude, but I reallly, really really want to see the new bad guys, because I think you're going to make them look good. But I guess I'll have to be satisfied with your good discriptions. I'll be waiting for more.

- Zorrakh, Over and Out-

[biogio]

So you have "filled" the name of Nosfernox. It makes sence that he is the black Quntaino. Do I see "Nosferatu" and "nox" in the name? (Nosferatu being a monster in a German play and nox meaning "night" in Latin.) He seems very connected to the Earth.

Again, you switch from one character to another. Since we have warning, this increases the story's depth, and we get two sights and opinions in one chapter. You also add some humor, which is nice. "Then in that case we'll soon have some peace." Ouch.

What a mystery! Although we all know what caused the eruption, I saw a lot through the Matoran and Torika's eyes. Very nice!

Nosfernox entered the calendra?! It sounded necessary, but I dunno. . . How would he not be burned badly, or even die?

And you end on a perfectly suspenseful note. Very good work!

Bio BioGio Gio

[biogio]

Toa_Ausar:

My guess in post #161 was half a joke. I just said it because my initial response was that Kheperå battled Aso, so I went against it in something of a joke involving your ability to surprise your readers.

As for my initial response, the way that ~Ballom~ had in the chapter that Akito wanted a rematch made me think that Akito probably indeed had battled Aso in the past. However I had always thought that he stayed on Kemet Nui with his friend Atemu. So, knowing (or thinking) that a Toa Sah had fought Aso at some time was simply a misinterpretation caused by Akito's statement in Chapter 21.

Whew! (Now I feel like Bast. )

Bio BioGio Gio

[Fikou-Man]

Chapter 21: Oh, it's gonna be harder than you think, Ballom(character). Hm, and looks like we found out here(unless I missed it earlier) that Akito had a former knowledge of Aso. Only wonder if he knew she was a Makuta. Probably not, though, since he wouldn't leave the islands with her alive if he knew. Looks like this battle's gonna be cool.

Chapter 22: Some of us probably already knew the Quntaino's objective, or guessed, but I'm still wondering if they have a connection with Ballom or Aso. Perhaps they were hired to capture the Mask of Nature. Although Ballom or Aso probably would've hired more powerful bounty hunters, to face the Toa, unless they somehow knew the Toa and Akito would be leaving. It's hard to say which group I like more, the Quntaino or the Vorukaia. I'll probably make my decision once I see them in real action.

[Ballom Toa of Da...]

~Ballom~:

And thus the most important battle in the Punt Nui Civil War has begun.

The description of the Citadel itself was very detailed and awe inspiring to read, fantastic job there.

I also like the foreboding feeling that you intertwined with the actual tale itself implying that this is all too easy.

So, do you think anybody guessed Akito had been there before and knows his way around?

Man I wish Akito hadn't told the Toa to kill Vorukan though, wouldn't "incapacitate" have been a better command?

Anyway, spectacular job yet again and I look forward to future elucidation of the Toa Terra's plan.

Until next time, keep up the excellent work.

~ Åusår

P.S. Don't worry, I plan on revealing many a secret to you soon enough at least as many as are necessary to ensure congruent storylines. ;)

***Epic Story Topic ~ Epic Review Topic ~ Epic MOC Topic ***

You're right, Ausar. I never planned for the Toa to kill Vorukan, so I changed Akito's line. Besides, the only three deaths that the Toa did cause (those of the Dark Lord, Ruhktar, and Kyraikk) were accidental, with the last two also being in self-defense. Sorry.

Nice... The Toa are insdie the fortress.

And a big battle is about to begin outside. I aslo think you described the citdel pretty well.

And when they sat "For Terra-Nui!", shouldn't they have said "For Punt-Nui!", since it was Punt-Nui they were rescuing, not Terra-Nui?

Keep up the good work!

That line is their motto, which was conceived in The Power Within. They're just using it in this situation.

Great chapter ballom.Now we have two battles about to rage inside and outside the citadel though wouldnt it be easier to take down the citadel first. Kinda lowers the chance of suprise attacks if theres no citadel left to hide in. No complaint though, because they are going to be exelent fights.

The Toa don't know the Matoran are being attacked. Besides, they want to defeat everyone in the Citadel before they blow it. Speaking of fights, there are some good one in the current chapter.

Another awesome chapter. The best parts in my opinion were the charges with all the toa doing their own things and the description of the citadel. Very well done with those, and I am uber excited to see the final battle for Punt-Nui. Keep up the awesome work, and as always I cannot wait to hear more.

Thanks.

Nice new chapter.

A have a complaint about dialogue. When Whetar speaks about the Vorukan, I get the impression that this was written some time ago, back when people still said "alas" on a regular basis. However, when he spoke to himself, I laughed (in a good way, of course).

Too bad Akito wanted the Toa to kill the Vorukan. It seems bad enough that he's going against the "Toa don't kill" rule, and worse that he's a Turaga going against that rule.

Anyway, "For Terra Nui" does not fit here, so maybe you could change it to "For Punt Nui."

Bio BioGio Gio

First of all, see what I said to Vaka Nui on the last part. And second of all, what's so bad about what Whetar said? It's not as if he told the Toa, "Prithee convey me to the Citadel post-haste!", is it? Finally, I agree with you on that line, like Ausar said. I changed it, never fear.

So yeah, there is a new chapter up on Punt Nui, with lots of action and suspense!

~B~

This post has been edited by ~Ballom~: Aug 2 2008, 05:19 PM

That was an awesome chapter. The fight with Ballom, Aso, Vrael, Chompshi, and Akito should be very interesting. I wonder though, why Ballom singled out Vrael? Anyways, I cannot wait for the next chapter and the battle for Punt Nui.

[Toa_Ausar]

~Ballom~:

Nicely done my dear friend.

It'll be so very interesting indeed to see how the two confrontations in the Throne Room progress.

It's good to see the other six Toa Terra working so well together and I certainly hope they remember the importance of Unity during the impending conflict with the Vorukaia.

Until next time, keep up the excellent work.

~ Åusår

***Epic Story Topic ~ Epic Review Topic ~ Epic MOC Topic ***

This post has been edited by Toa_Ausar: Aug 2 2008, 06:54 PM

[Fikou-Man]

Chapter 24: I always have a soft spot for ancient castles and citadels! And somehow, I knew that the Vorukan would do that. First strategy that came into mind. A Toa-Makuta battle in a citadel? Now that's something I'm not missing!

Chapter 25:

Drip, drip, drip.

A Vorukan Royal Guard sat in a small watch room of the Citadel, looking out of a small window at the battle that was taking place outside. Like most of his guard-bred counterparts, he was covered in black armor with a gold chest plate and shoulder pads, carried a pair of short gold dirks, and had a head covered in a broad, flat helmet with a flap over his toothed mouth. And like his species was prone to be, this Royal Guard was bored out of his skull. Lady Aso had told him to be prepared for a Toa coming, but so far he hadn't seen anything.

If he's so bored, I'd fix that leak.

As he sat, the guard began to tap his fingers to the rhythmic dripping sounds that were issuing down from the slitted window looking out onto the Citadel grounds. Suddenly, he paused, realizing that water doesn't drip out of windows. Turning his head, the guard was just in time to have his helmet cracked against the hard blade of Heaka's aqua axe, swung with all her might. He crumpled to the floor unconscious.

Or, nevermind.

"Well, well, look what the Muaka dragged in."

Love that line. Wait, does that mean Matoran actually keep Muaka as pets?

"As you wish." Cracking the knuckles on her large claws, Aso began to circle in front of her two challengers, as Ballom prepared to fight Vrael in the background. "I've been waiting for this for a very, very long time!"

And you've grown very, very old.

As for the second part, they might want to bring a really big gun. Just in case.

[Zee Toa of sonic...]

That chapter was amazing, i simply loved the battle and creative use of element's. -zee :tohu:That chapter was amazing, i simply loved the battle and creative use of element's. -zee

[biogio]

Sorry I'm late. Good chapter for me to review here.

Drip, drip, drip.

Just a suggestion: you may want to italicize the first sentence. I always do that to onomatopoeia.

And as for your great line about what the Muaka brought in, one has to remember that a Makuta said that. Maybe Makuta keep vicious guard cats in their palaces. Who knows?

Gasping, Chompshi and Akito suddenly knew: this was the Toa that had controlled the mind of Lyse!

Two things: what about Vrael? And this implies that they already knew it was a Toa. Maybe "being" would be better.

Good job. I liked this chapter. It combined some humor with fast-paced battles and extrodinary literature. And, of course, some suspence.

The battle for Punt Nui had begun.

Bio BioGio Gio

[Zahaku Toa of Ra...]

Exelent Chapter Ballom.
I patiently wait for the showdown with the Vorukai and to see what ballom can do.
Hows the battle outside going anyway or will we learn about that in a other chapter.

[Toa_Ausar]

~Ballom~:

Well rather than edit Post #188 then I'll just review both 25 & 26 here, as well as help clear up a few things.

First off, the word "amun" is Kemetic for "hidden", which I believe suits the dastardly dark villain quite well.

Secondly, the first three parts of The Annals of Kemet Nui all take place several thousand years prior to The Strength Unbound.

I have posted an Integrated (Non-Spoiler) Timeline in the primary post of my review topic to help clear this all up.

Now, onto your latest story, I really enjoy the fact that their are battle within the battles by multiple factions at various locations, yet it's all part of the same effort to liberate Punt Nui from the grip of Makuta Aso and her minions.

I'm glad that you're beginning to give Matoran a greater role in your stories because it is my belief that they are central to what really makes BIONICLE great.

Honestly, did a single Toa, even with the help of an aged Turaga, really believe that he could defeat a Makuta alone? Man Chompsi's got a lot to learn.

I love the flashback that Ballom had, to the days when he was just a Matoran hostage to the Realm of Karzahni, and how he used his insight from that time to turn the outcome of the situation in his favor as best he could, that was fantastic.

Can't wait to see where the Epic goes from here.

Until next time, keep up the excellent work.

~ Åusår

***Epic Story Topic ~ Epic Review Topic ~ Epic MOC Topic ***

This post has been edited by Toa_Ausar: Aug 29 2008, 08:22 PM

[Ballom Toa of Da...]

Man, I've been meaning to get to this!

First off, I've been trying to read ALL THREE CHAPTERS of your main Epic... talk about lengthy reading ..

Anyway, I'll just... start off with the latest entry...

Seems great, I LOVE the Green One's speech! Something about the pwophesy... er, prophesy, tells me it has to do with the natural order of Terra Nui... Anyway, I'll be reviewing this on a more regular basis. Also, on a quick note, I updated the TimeLine that I updated from Toa_Ausar's so that there are only four colors. I guess this an answer to the post in my Epic's Review, Yes, I have officially read & reviewed The Strength Unbound.

Oh, and I did read a few tidbits prior to actually reading the Epic, otherwise I probably would've made those Atemu and Akito MoCs!

I guess that this is the best time to reveal to you (and to Toa_Ausar) that I've made some changes in my Epics and that Chapter Three of "The Chronicles of Ouir Nui" is not to be written in journal-format, rather third-person omniscient. The beginning takes place a year before the GC, then a whole two entries will be about the destruction and mirgation of Ouir Nui and it's people. Afterwards, it will start off around the time The Power Within begins, focusing on... well, can't spoil it! Just a little outline to keep you up to par. Oh, and I didn't know if I asked you this already, but can I use some of your Rahi in my Epic? Augh, now I feel like Bast!

Thanks, and happy writing!

-Kohilå

Thanks for replying, Kohila. Yeah, I like the almost pidgin quality to the Green One's speaking. I'll be sure to check out The Journal of Vrail later too.

Oooh, what a suspenseful chapter. I find it interesting how the Green One was the only on who this was revealed to, I would have expected Chompshi and Vrael to know as well. Then, I got chills when I read they were being watched the whole time.

Once the Green One finished his guide several minutes later, the shadow vanished, returning to its master. Soon, it gloated, they would posses everything they needed to win.

Is this being one of the Quntaino, or some other being?
Anyways, great job, and as always, I can't wait to hear more.

Yes, this being is one of the Quntaino. I can't believe you guys think it's someone different. They can be sneaky, like Predacron. And as for Chompshi and Vrael knowing, they do too. It's just they don't know the current circumstances back on Terra Nui, nor when the prophesy would best be revealed.

Chapter 26: I found Ballom's conflict with Vrael the most interesting. It was weird, seeing Ballom as a little Matoran. I wonder when his light was drained from him. Might I also mention that Ballom's vaporization of his left calf was probably the most violent thing we've seen in this epic. Wonder what'll happen to him.

Chapter 27: I wonder where The Green One came from, or even if he has a birth name. I'm supposing there'll be an adventure similar to the one in the first epic, and we'll see a (new?)enemy on their tail.

Ballom actually has been a Shadow Toa for a long time; there's a whole story about him in his MOC topic, even if it's now dead. But yeah, aside from some blood and gore, that would be the most violent scene. And I'm sure we will see him again somewhere, someday . . .

See the above post for the bit about the Quntaino. The third epic will have an adventure on Terra Nui, but they will still be the main antagonists. Trust me, there are no new enemies.

But there are old enemies on Punt Nui, and the current chapter will deal more with the battle at the Citadel. So go ahead, read it!

~B~

That was one epic chapter. It was rather disappointing, though, that the Vorukia died before we could see their mocs. I bet this is not the last we'll see of the Vorukan, Ballom, and Aso. I found it quite interesting how Amun died, it kind of made me think of the word karma.

Awesome job and as always, I can't wait to hear more.

[Zahaku Toa of Ra...]

Yes, very good chapter ballom. Especially liked the Vorukia accepting death though i dont know why Poor amun though.
I know you said it so far as a mabe but i hope we will see Ballom in the future, hes to cool to leave out.
Great job and i cant wait to see more

[Allanon Loke]

Great sequel. I’ve enjoyed reading it. The descriptions were very good, especially of the battles. So, Amun’s dead and Aso escaped, but it doesn’t mention that Ballom died. I’m assuming that he’ll show up in the future. I can’t wait to see what happens next.