Review For " The Annals Of Kemet Nui ", Please Post Comments & Talkback Here Options

[Toa_Ausar]

Raphael ~ Fear not, from here on out the subplots collide, starting with what Ånpu and the Av-Matoran have been up to during the first five chapters and then my cycle of six will interweave from there.

.:Toa Velox:. ~ Trust me, I plan to leave no mystery unsolved, although some may take longer to unravel than others. Oh, and there's mainly just six things, not thirty. Think of it this way, it's like most other groupings in the BIONICLE Universe, an even half dozen.

Thanks again to everyone for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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[ExoFat]

Exo-Fat ~ Nope, neither Åusår nor Åuset are Av-Matoran.

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

So that means that they don't survive the story. Because at the end only a bunch of Av-Matoran are left. Or at least that's what the prologue states.

[Toa_Ausar]

Exo-Fat ~ Are you 100% certain that's what it actually says? Oh, and who said the prologue takes place at the end of the tale?

Thanks again to everyone for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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[~ShadowBolt~]

Pretty good chapter. I have to agree with the poster above that these are going to be the Toa Neteru (SP?). Anyways, these chapters remind me of the Metru Nui Matoran that knew where the Great Disks were (they all got into bad situations).

I can't wait to see how all of the Matoran relate to each other...

~SB~

[Toa_Ausar]

~ShadowBolt~ ~ What good is a story if it doesn't compel you to want to know what's going to happen next? Oh, and the six main subplots will begin to interweave from here on out.

Thanks again to everyone for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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[Toa_Ausar]

Zee Toa of sonics ~ I'm really glad that you like it. Oh, and I guess you should know that it will be quite some time yet before the Terra Nui contingent finally lands on the Isle of Kemet Nui.

Thanks again to everyone for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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[Toa_Ausar]

~ShadowBolt~ ~ I guess that depends upon your definition of "on" the chariot. She was in the cargo hold which is beneath the rider's platform.

Thanks again to everyone for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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[Dorek]

Ah, finally, some continuation!

You've definitely woven an intricate tale, Ausar. One thing I'd like to see more of is action, though the set up is undoubtably leading to some.

[Ferhago]

Just thought I'd add that I'm still watching, Ausar, and still wanting to know how it all comes together. Keep it up!

[BioGio]

Oh goody! A new chapter! As always, it was great.

Gosh, the Rock Raptors sound smart! Realizing ventilation was needed is amazing for a Rahi.

Error:

After much consideration he had left behind the cumbersome spear and in it's place he now carried a bag of supplies.

“It’s” should be “its.” Don’t worry that is probably the most common grammatical error. Still, “it’s” means “it is” and should be changed.

And is it “aeons” or “eons?” I have seen it both ways and I think “aeons” is a variant. British is it?

You say “and the name Atemu” twice. I think Atemu should be wrapped in quotation marks. Same with Sah.

Also, “feldspar imbued” ought to probably be hyphenated.

There was the knock, the march, the race, the attack, and the attempted rescue, all flooding his thoughts and making his pulse quicken.

That was a great line. I simply loved it.

All in all, add a few touch-ups, and this chapter will, again, be high-quality. I await the future. Yes, patiently.

Bio BioGio Gio

[Tarth]

Nice new chapter. At last the mystery of Atemu is being discovered! Looks like someone's guess on the primary character was correct!

[ChocoLvr13]

Again, since you didn't answer it before; when is Tekhtekh coming into play? And is the contest winner going to be posted soon? Or has it already happened?

[Vorshk: Toa of E...]

Nice, Zee.

[ChocoLvr13]

Congrats to Zee and Biogio! Hope your prize is good!

[Toa_Ausar]

Tohunga Tahnok ~ Well, both the Benben that have been found thus far are associated with Toa Sah Atemu, but whether or not there are Benben associated with the other nine Toa Sah remains to be seen.

Thanks again to everyone for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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[Toa_Ausar]

-Akura- ~ Glad to have you hooked.

Vorshk: Toa of Energy ~ Nope. Guess again.

Zahaku Toa of Rahi ~ Tekhtekh is not exactly magic, it can harness the powers of Chaos. Thus, anything that's likely to go wrong around Tekhtekh becomes more likely to do so, especially if it's willing to exert the effort.

biogio ~ Tekhtekh and Sutekh both feel that they've tricked. Sutekh believed he had found something of great value, meanwhile Tekhtekh believed that someone very powerful had come to rescue him. In the end it may be that they both underestimated one another when first they met, but only time will tell?

Tohunga Tahnok ~ Well I read and reread these chapters dozens and dozens of times since I first wrote them seven months ago, thus I'm fairly certain that nobody (other than some of the Toa Sah) have transformed yet in my storyline. Oh, and of course the major Matoran will become Toa, it wouldn't make much sense if it were some side character I'd never mentioned before now would it?

Thanks again to everyone for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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[Aradia Megido]

Let me guess: the fifth side of the Benben have the Matoran's name and picture
GREAT new chapter, BTW!

[~Lord Zahaku~]

indeed Ausar

[Toa_Ausar]

Kohilå ~ No, that's the "third" side, didn't you read Post #244?

Zahaku Toa of Rahi ~ You got it!

Thanks again to everyone for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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[Tohunga Tahnok]

Tohunga Tahnok ~ Well I read and reread these chapters dozens and dozens of times since I first wrote them seven months ago, thus I'm fairly certain that nobody (other than some of the Toa Sah) have transformed yet in my storyline. Oh, and of course the major Matoran will become Toa, it wouldn't make much sense if it were some side character I'd never mentioned before now would it?

I know. What I mant to say was I knew one of the Matoran who.............. Ungh, I can't think of what to say.


And, as for the transforming, I know noone has transformed yet. The Benben sheds light on who MAY transform.

[~ShadowBolt~]

Nice chapter Toa_Ausar! Just to be sure -- is the Benben stone the pyramid shaped stone I see on the title page? Also is the Tekhtekh - The Cursed Wand of Chaos, the same intelligent being that appeared in Chapter Three?

~SB~

[Aradia Megido]

does the forth side have the word 'Neteru'?

[Vorshk: Toa of E...]

Darn! Um let's see...

Does it have to do with their personal destiny?

[Toa_Ausar]

Tohunga Tahnok ~ The Benben may shed light on many things.

~ShadowBolt~ ~ You're semi-correct, Pyramids are actually Benben-shaped, not the other way around. Oh, and yes, the Part I Cover Art, courtesy of BZPower Member Heir of the Chronicler, is in fact Åusår finding his Benben in the Rock Raptor's lair. Lastly, the intelligence awakened during the middle part of Chapter Three and Tekhtekh are indeed one and the same.

Kohilå ~ No matter how many things people attempt to guess, you'll all still have wait until the end of Chapter Ten to see if any of you were correct.

Vorshk: Toa of Energy ~ I would have to say yes it does in a bit of an indirect way.

Thanks again to everyone for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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[ChocoLvr13]

My my, no one's reviewed yet!

I saw this yesterday, but had no time. Sounds like Ånpu is in a load of trouble. I'm starting to like Ånpu more and more, not just because he has a purple mask. But... quick question- How do you make the Av-Matoran umm, loony? [/color] Those Serqet-Jagas sound really cool. Dangerous and mean, yes, but you describe them so vividly.
[color="#000000"]

[Vorshk: Toa of E...]

Anpu does indeed seem intresting, I like that guy.

[Toa_Ausar]

ChocoLvr13 ~ The word "loony" is defined as being "extremely or senselessly foolish", thus because he does not fully understand the ways of the Sisterhood nor Sekhet's strategy, Ånpu believes the girls have basically lost their minds.

Vorshk: Toa of Energy ~ You'll be pleased to know then that Ånpu ends up with alot of "screentime" due to the level of involvement I gave his subplot at the outset.

Thanks again to everyone else for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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[ChocoLvr13]

Ahh. I guess I could see them as loony, then.

[Toa_Ausar]

ChocoLvr13 ~ Indeed, poor Ånpu.

Thanks again to everyone else for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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[Mixtar Acid Toa]

Bravo!! *clap, clap, clap, continuous clapping* Well done, I just finished reading it and it was wonderful! Keep up the tremendously good work! I give it a 10 out of 5!

[Toa_Ausar]

Mixtar Acid Toa ~ Why thank you and welcome to my happy little audience. I can tell you that (not counting myself of course) you're the fifty-first different BZPower Member to post a review of my story in this topic, which, in my humble opinion, is simply amazing! Anyway, I hope you return on a regular basis and work to give more detailed thoughts on what you liked or disliked about each chapter in the future.

Thanks again to everyone else for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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[ChocoLvr13]

Mixtar Acid Toa ~ Why thank you and welcome to my happy little audience. I can tell you that (not counting myself of course) you're the fifty-first different BZPower Member to post a review of my story in this topic, which, in my humble opinion, is simply amazing! Anyway, I hope you return on a regular basis and work to give more detailed thoughts on what you liked or disliked about each chapter in the future.

Thanks again to everyone else for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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Yeah Mixtar! Better than the two people reviewing mine. So, Ausar, I must ask, which character is your favorite?

[BioGio]

Sorry it took me four days. You are evil, not sending a PM! (Oh well, now I know to check back every ten days or so.) Can I assume the MOC Topic will soon be updated?

"She's coming just like I told you she would and you doubted me and said I was wrong and tried to ignore me even though you shouldn't have 'cause I'm psychic,"

Loooong sentence. I would also believe Bast had lost her mind. Is "'cause I'm psychic" going to become Bast's catch phrase? And who in the world is "she"? That's what I was asking while reading this chapter.

You have good dialogue in this chapter. However, as I mentioned before, try to mix it up a bit. Start the sentences with saying "Bast responded" for instance. It will make the conversations much more interesting.

"Eeee Ee Eeee Ee Eeeeeeee!!!"

A battle cry?! I thought the Sisterhood was just a society of psychics. You never fail to amaze.

in these parts

When you said that, my mind flashed to an old television show I was watching the other day. A Western, it was. My point: you sounded like a Western.

The desert provide them with no cover

Do you think that the word provide would be better as "provided," in past tense?

and that wasn't much when you're up against a colossal creature looking for its' next meal.

This part of the sentence seemed choppy. The whole when "you're up against" part threw the sentence off. Maybe you could say, "which wasn't much against a colossal creature looking for its next meal".

She entered into a trance and began to make a series of chittering noises, convincing Ånpu for certain that Bast wasn't the only Av-Matoran to have gone completely crazy in the sweltering sun.

What ever is she doing? Talking with the Serqet-Jaga is my guess.

Bio BioGio Gio

This post has been edited by biogio: Jul 22 2008, 09:45 AM

[BioGio]

Toa_Ausar:

It was more of a broad statement, and I may have had a fact or two confused. I even half-forgot that there were five sides.

Zahaku Toa of Rahi:

That was indeed the picture on the third side.

Bio BioGio Gio

[Vorshk: Toa of E...]

Does it have to do with the Zlinj?

[BioGio]

Toa_Ausar:

Now I feel unitelligent!

Anyway, I got thinking, and now have a new prediction. First, the proof:

It's certainly a task, but not for Toa

Being close to the task, and spirit stars made me think.

What about the Toa Stones? Does it have to do with those little rocks Atemu hid? (And this is a broad guess, so it could be a written task, a map, or the Toa Stone itself.)

I await Wednesday.

Bio BioGio Gio

[Toa_Ausar]

biogio ~ You'll find out soon enough whether or not your prognostication is correct.

Everyone Else ~ Chapter Ten has now been posted and special thanks goes to to BZPower Members ChocoLvr13, Vorshk: Toa of Energy, biogio, & Zahaku Toa of Rahi for proving that they are the true core of my fanbase by answering the challenge set forth by my not sending reminders and their still reading & reviewing Chapter Nine in a timely manner.

Thanks again to everyone else for each and every one of the reviews.

I very much look forward to more of your future thoughts and constructive criticisms.

~ Åusår


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Epic MOC Topic

This post has been edited by Toa_Ausar: Jul 30 2008, 05:40 PM

[Aradia Megido]

Toa_Ausar:

Glad you got the next chapter up! Sorry I didn't review Chapter Nine. I read it, and I thought I reviewed it. Guess not...

Chapter Nine

I like how Anpu thught how he was going to die. That make me laugh. I see the Serkeht Jaga has made an appearance as well! GREAT chapter!

Chapter Ten

Look like my fourth side prediction came true! Well, half anyway. I'm going to make another prediction: The map leads them to a kind of Temple or Suva or the like, where the Benben unveil their Toa energy...

-Kohilå

[Valtika]

I didn't have much time so I only read the first chapter.
Wow! The Kur-Matoran are a rowdy bunch. There like Le-Matoran, but worse.
It seems that Asuar is very unlucky, with so many Rahi Asuar has had, & the Kur-Matoran taking him away.
It's a good Epic, I like it.

[Vaka-Nui]

Okay... I used to go check on your epic daily... But with the PM reminders, i finally stopped and relied un thm.

Apparently the new Toa are soon going to be awakened, i can see it... Cause i'm psychic, as Bast would say

It will also be an interesting battle, Matoran V.S scorpion...

Keep up the good work!