Review: The Journal Of Vrail, Review it here Options

[Auserv, Toa of E...]

So it looks like you've decided to do this epic in a journal format. Personally, I tend to dislike journal format writing because it limits how much you can get the reader in the head of the main character; it's more like a detached feeling as you read the journal after the fact. But you do bring an interesting concept to the table here--the journal itself is part of the story's mystery. I'll see where this goes before I make any negative assumptions. First, the grammatical errors:

Firstly, the whole second paragraph needs to be broken up. I know this is a journal, but that doesn't change the fact that each new speaker in the dialogue needs its own paragraph. It should look like this.

I was walking along the beach around the Cove of Plaious, named after an older Toa of Water, with my friend, Mezuah, when we spotted a gleaming, round object bobbing in the water. Since he was a Ta-Matoran and I had a bad experience once with water, we waited. We laid back on the sand, my Miru and his Jotar shinning in the sun beating down on us. Eventually, our friend Niali walked up to us.

"What are you two doing?" she asked.

"Look out yonder," Mezuah told her. I could tell that she saw it by the expression on her face.

"So you two are just gonna wait here for it?"

"That's the plan," I told her. She sighed, then started running toward the water. She jumped in, doing a mid-air summersault, then swam toward the object at full speed. She grabbed it, then swam back to us. She walked out of the sea, drenched in the water she was so accustomed to and handed it to me.

"It has your name on it... I don't know why, but this is realy kinda creepy."

Oh and as a side note, you made two spelling mistakes (the latter might be a typo) in that paragraph. "Summersault" should be "somersault" and "realy" in Niali's last line should be "really". Otherwise, good job on grammar.

Not much to say as far as the story goes since not much has happened yet, but I'll be looking forward to the next chapter.

I really liked it! I'm pretty suspicious that the Turaga are hiding something dark! like the MoCs as well! can't wait for the next entry!
KUTGW!

[Toa_Ausar]

Kohilå:

I have returned:

Entry 7 ~ Wow, you sure added in recently named characters fast. Anyway, having two Onu-Matoran find stones is very interesting and the twist with the package was quite unexpected.

Entry 7 EDIT Suggestions: The third sentence of paragraph fifteen should read, "The crowd let Mezuah and I through, but would only let Mezuah speak to them."

Well that's it for now, but you can feel free to let me know when you've posted new entries.

Keep up the excellent work.

~ Åusår

P.S. About how far into the Epic was the sneak peek you gave me the other day?

*** Kemet Nui Epic Story Topic ~ Kemet Nui Epic Review Topic ~ Kemet Nui Epic MOC Topic ***

[Kohila Piraka]

Toa_Ausar,

Because of two Toa being Toa of Earth, keep in mind that now they can't make a Proto Cage
We are really close to that sneak (about 5 more entries until), but could you send me that sneak please? It got deleted and... you know...

-Kohilå

[Kohila Piraka]

Auserv: Toa-Kal of Emotion: Thanks for the compliment! Also, Metu (the Toa Sah of Poison) populated the island with Matoran from all over. They then rebuilt themselves to match each other so that it would physically show their unity. Also, Tepamn was guided by the Great Spirit to give the Stone to Vrail, not decided. Oh, and this is DEFINATELY not Tepamn's final appearance. Yeah, I owe a LOT of peopl reveiws and I haven't had much time to do so, being sick... church camp... I will reveiw your Epic, and I need to give Toa_Ausar's a good reveiw too

-Kohilå

This post has been edited by Kohilå: Jul 16 2008, 10:32 PM

[Kohila Piraka]

~Ballom~: Ahh, I'm glad you like it! Though it bothers me that not many people have read it, or HAVE read it and haven't had the courage to review... But you, Ausar, and Auserv are my fanbase! Anyway, new entry today...

-Kohilå

[Zahaku Toa of Ra...]

Sorry Kohila, i wanted to read and reveiw your story for a while now but i keep forgetting so from tommorow I shall start reading your story, and reviwing it.

[Kohila Piraka]

Zahaku Toa of Rahi: Don't worry; Take your time... I'm just glad that I have more than 3 fans!

-Kohilå

[Kohila Piraka]

~Ballom~: In a way, you're correct. However, keep in mind about the menacing specter. As I'm reading this MYSELF, I see that I'm giving a LOT of hints to the explosive end of this part of the trilogy.(ends in Chapter 2) Anyway, stay tuned. Plus, I've added a visual representation of Ouir NUi to the MoCs Topic for your viewing pleasure.

Zahaku Toa of Rahi: It's okay, once you read more It'll all fit together...

-Kohilå



This post has been edited by Kohila: Sep 5 2008, 10:51 AM