Unknowledge =l= Review Topic, EC #7 Options

[Tolkien]

A link to the epic: Unknowledge

This is the first epic I've ever written and finished, mostly because this time I actually had an idea, plus proper incentive. It's pretty short--only about five chapters (not including the prologue), so I hope it's in-depth enough to have any sort of chance. I'm also afraid that it's a bit dialogue-intensive.

The inspiration of this story, if you're familiar with the MNOG animations, comes from Makuta's statements about "The Void". I've always liked that piece of the story, and am rather disappointed that nothing ever came of it. Oh well.

Anyways, hope you like it. Any comments are always appreciated.


JRRT

This post has been edited by Tolkien: Jun 22 2008, 04:32 PM

[BCii]

Oh. My.

I am impressed. Amazed. Dazzled. Haunted.

It's rare to see such a masterpiece. It truly is rare.

What you have created defies description. The writing reveals an advanced intellect and a wisdom born of... I don't know... lifetimes' worth of experience.

The metaphysics of the story, which play such an important role in it, border on extreme. I mean that in the awesomest sense of the word. Extreme metaphysics. Awesome.

The story also contains much in the realms of philosophy, emotion, politics, and forensics, all seamlessly woven together into a paramount murder mystery.

And I haven't even gotten to the best part: the ending!

To be frank, I expected this to be much longer. In a word, I expected to see the good guys to win through. To solve the case. To show the scheming Makuta their place. But that didn't happen, at least not by the time the story abruptly stopped. You know, I'm a big fan of the surprise ending. You've pulled it off masterfully: set it up, played it out, and twisted it around in a way THAT ABSOLUTELY EPITOMIZES THE SUBJECT! The "Unknowledge," the "Toa of Nothing" doesn't merely destroy two Toa, beginning and ending with the murderous act -- this "Void" character or force actually pulls the story itself into an event horizon. Full circle. No escape. No happy ending. UNBELIEVABLE.

This story is getting a place in my blog, pronto.

-BC

[ToM Dracone]

This is amazing.

I don't even really know how to describe it. I guess I'll start at the beginning – an excellent one if there ever was one. It draws you in, discussing the mysteries of the stars and the future, and then the unusual combination of two prophetic elements: a new star, but a dead one. It's intriguing, and then of course we have Moihu's murder as if anything else were needed to get one interested...

I shall mention here that I love your style of writing, using both paragraphs and single lines of narration... it's very engaging and effective, especially at setting the mood in the first and last chapters.

And there are even red herrings! Ioro's callousness made me wonder if he would end up being the culprit. And I loved the interactions between the Toa, as well as the investigation itself. And the arrival of Toa Niva. I'm not sure why; I just like that scene. Probably partly because of the history you hint at throughout the story, and the setup of the Makuta's potential involvement, and Ioro's decision not to allow them... the whole thing flows very realistically, really.

Oh, I really like the name Kuitakanui. Long Maori-esque names are delightful.

The last chapter was a treat to read. Actually, slightly before it, I love when the clues start to come together at the end of III with Niva's mention of the backwards-ness of the destruction... Then the description of Moihu's room and library are quite excellent, as is the little bit about Ros's Mask of Understanding.

And the confrontation between Ros and the... Opposite was brilliantly done. It is indeed very reminiscent of Makuta's speech in the MNOLG, and that's no doubt part of why I like it so much. Again, it sweeps you up and doesn't let go, even when it's almost entirely dialogue, because it's so mysterious and revealing all at once... and then the part with Ros's Element in full force. I could visualize it perfectly, even with the scant narration you give. It's a wonderful ending, and as BCii said, not at all what you'd expect...

...in fact, it's so much not what I'd expect that I didn't realize it was over at first. It's very sudden, ending with Ros giving in as it does, so I'd like to see something after it. Not something explaining things or anything like that; the lingering mystery is quite excellent; but something with Ioro and Aahn afterward, or some narration, as a "what happened after" epilogue. It just seems too... abrupt. Although (as always happens when I review things like this) it's growing on me, and it's still a very effective end as it is...

I did notice a couple sentences to comment on, so I'll end with those...

But, in spite of this, there are still some things that no will can foresee; some happenings that cannot be anticipated; some evils that cannot be stopped until it is too late.

I think the semicolons should be commas, since neither of the last two phrases is a complete sentence and they're both continuations after "there are."

Skimming low over the clouds below, the orange light glinted off its tinted black armor and the faint blue armor of its rider's.

The apostrophe is bothering me. I think it should be either "of its rider" or "the faint blue of its rider's," without "armor", because otherwise you have a possessive that doesn't seem to be referring to anything.

NO! I am Opposite. The figure laughed! And if I were, you would call me Toa of Nothing—Toa of the Void!

The narrative excalamtion mark caught my attention. It seems slightly out-of-place given the lack of such in the rest of the story, but it also works perfectly well given the line, and Ros's surprise at the laugh. Just an observation.

And I noticed one other thing: in quoting multiple paragraphs, as in Niva's message and the translation Ros reads, there has to be a quotation mark at the beginning of each paragraph. Although those passages look a bit odd broken into multiple paragraphs, without a space between them, as it is...


All in all, a most excellent story. It definitely goes above and beyond the typical murder mystery story with the focus on the Void element. I sort of wish they had used that again, too, but at the same time it would have to be handled exactly the same way as Makuta talked about it... and this story does it so much better than the current style of the storyline could. Highly enjoyable to read, and again especially with your style of writing.

[bonesiii]

This isn't a proper review but just a quick question since I am loving this -- is this epic actually finished? You said there might be five chapters, but by my count there's only four. (Just wanna know if this is a finished work or if there's one chapter left to go before I review.)

Preliminary comment is just that this story roxorz.

[Tolkien]

This isn't a proper review but just a quick question since I am loving this -- is this epic actually finished? You said there might be five chapters, but by my count there's only four. (Just wanna know if this is a finished work or if there's one chapter left to go before I review.)

Er...well...I guess...I'm not sure. I'll comment on some things first:

In general reply: Wow...thanks, guys. I'm really glad you both liked it. My fear was that it might be a bit too much dialogue and not enough action, but it seems to have worked out. I'm actually pleasantly astonished at the positive-ness of your reviews. Again: many, many thanks.
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Okay...here's the thing: I was, in fact, planning on one more chapter. It's actually all written and ready--it's very much a total, happy resolution to everything. However, now that I'm looking at this last chapter...I may not go that route. In fact, I've already rewritten a short epilogue to finish it off--quite different from what I originally intended. But we'll see, I guess. I haven't decided quite yet.

(That should answer your feeling of the epic being a bit too abrupt, ToM)

JRRT