Jump to content
  • entries
    316
  • comments
    1,489
  • views
    200,200

My Emotional Fall From Grace


Makuta_of_Oz

872 views

As all of you know, I am insane. However, despite being eccentric and immature my entire life, my personality as a child is nothing like it is now. Something happened around the time I reached adulthood, which started my downward spiral.

 

When I was in Year 12, I was the most popular student at my high school. Everyone, students and staff alike, loved me, and I was happy. I also did Scouts for 12 years, finishing that same year, where I was never happy.

 

After I graduated from high school in November 2008, my sole focus shifted entirely to Scouts. As I stated in a previous entry, my group's leader was cruel. One of the biggest bullies I had to deal with. I don't know what I did wrong, but she started trying everything in her power to keep me from getting y Queen's Scout, one of the highest awards in Scouts. She would pile on work, she would tell lies about requirements for getting the award, and she all-in-all was a total (you get it. She was a bully).

 

She failed, and I got the award. However, her antics hardened me. I became cold-hearted, I became horribly stubborn (believing that if I could stop a tyrant like her and get my Queen's Scout, I could do anything), and my whinging worsened tenfold. I became but a shadow of my former self.

 

When I started TAFE, I took my cold-hearted self with me, including my whinging. That whinging made me an outcast, and I was bullied by my peers because of it. Because of this, not only was I unable to recover for a whole year, but I got worse. I became colder, and my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I sincerely wanted to tell the bullies why I was how I was, that I hadn't always been like that, but they had set me on ignore irl. They ignored nearly everything I said, even when I was trying to be nice to them, and they pretty much completely pretended I didn't exist. A day when they spoke to me, even when it was abusive, was a good day.

 

That year, the Pokemon Video Game World Championship series began, and Australia wasn't invited. Because of my new stubborn streak, I decided to challenge The Pokemon Company International about why we were, as I put it even then, banned from participating. They told me it was because it was still in its early years, and that Australia might be invited next year (making me the very first fan to find out about 2010's championships). After finally being told the latter after continuing to challenge what I was told, I finally backed down. In the end though, I had failed. Australia was not invited, and has still never been invited since. In fact, we got NOTHING for three years, until we got four local tournaments last year. After the incident, the acronym "VGC" (short for Video Game Championships) became a swearword to me.

 

By the end of the year I had practically reached the point of no return. And then LEGO made their infamous Announcement. THAT was the straw that broke the Kikanalo's back. As a result, to this day, LEGO has been forced to feel the wrath of a victim of deep corruption.

 

The emotional damage caused by my Scout Group leader and the TAFE bullies will never fully go away. However, if LEGO brings back Bionicle, I can finally begin to TRULY recover from my emotional scars. Even if they said it wasn't going to come back until, say, 2020, I would still begin to recover, because then I'd know when it would return, and I'd truly have something I can look forward to.

9 Comments


Recommended Comments

Okay, I'm not trying to be mean here. I'm being serious here, so please don't get all mad.

 

I believe you, when you say you won't stop till Bionicle is brought back by Lego.

It seems like it may be an obsessive disorder.

Your life seems to have turned bad, so you turned to a point in your life when life was fun and amazing for you. The only ways into that time, for you, would be Pokemon, and Bionicle. But after the incident with VGC, Pokemon could no longer hold innocence for you. So, you turned to Bionicle. And after Lego cancelled Bionicle, you had nothing left.

And because of that, you'll fight to get it back no matter what.

Link to comment

Being depressed, or even obsessed with a harmless cause, doesn't make you insane. They're not good things, but insanity in the context of law is typically something that keeps you from being able to tell right from wrong. In terms of medicine, the word insane has fallen out of favor (largely because if everyone with even the slightest mental disorder or deficiency were classified as insane, you'd find that the insane outnumbered the sane by a wide margin).

 

From your previous entries you strike me as being perfectly functional in day to day life. You sometimes post crazy-sounding stuff online, but who doesn't? It's hard to diagnose people with anything over the internet, but I'm pretty sure that whatever issues you may have don't call your sanity into question. Keep your chin up; you don't have it that bad.

Link to comment

It's nice to understand your feelings about BIONICLE in a broader perspective. Knowing that BIONICLE was a sort of a "lifeline" for you when you felt that your life and emotional well-being was spiralling out of control helps your desperation for the theme's return make a lot more sense. I can definitely understand how much it can hurt when you get used to taking refuge from the larger world in something that makes you happy, but then that something goes away or otherwise stops working for you.

 

I still strongly feel, though, that you're not going to recover from this emotional state just by waiting and hoping. Since there's so much more making you feel upset than just BIONICLE's cancellation, I'm certainly not equipped to claim I have a solution for your problems. But the one you seem to have chosen doesn't seem to be helping you, so I recommend seeking advice from those closer to you-- especially someone in your family you can trust.

 

If anyone who knows you well suggests meeting with a professional counselor/therapist then I encourage you to follow that advice. I know a lot of people don't like therapists, psychologists, and the like, but I have had good experiences with them during my teenage years when I have been feeling like a wreck-- or even, as you put it, insane.

 

Posting your feelings here on BZPower is very brave, but it will be much more helpful to get some feedback from someone who won't judge you and who has experience either with you personally or with other people who have felt similarly. That's the only advice I can offer, and as always, there's no reason you have to follow it. I'm not an expert on emotional things by any stretch of the imagination, and if I were then I would probably not struggle so much with my own emotional issues. Still, I hope you keep looking for new solutions instead of putting all your faith in one that you can't control.

Link to comment

What Aanchir said sums up the majority of my thoughts, really.

 

The only thing that i'm really going to say, and don't take this as me trying to be mean, is that you need to grow a bit of a thicker skin.

 

Now i know everyone takes things differently, but i was bullied by my best friends for the first eight years of my in-school life. One year's kinda hard to compare. But really, who cares if someone doesn't like you when you'll be miles away and won't have to think about them once sometime in the future.

 

If all you have to live for is the Return of Bionicle, then you're letting stuff get to you too easily.

 

 

EDIT:

 

And again, not to be mean, but your whole thing about Pokemon championships not inviting australia, and you thus hating them forever, and stuff like that... Even your incessant use of the word "banned" in relation to the end of Bionicle, just makes me think one thing.

 

Now correct me if i'm wrong and i'm only stating what I see, but that kind of attitude i usually attribute with people who've been spoiled their whole lives and are only realizing the truths of life when they get older and have to go on their own.

 

In short... Spoiled Brat. :/

Link to comment

I am spoilt. I admit it. :P Not as bad as what's-her-name from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory though, so please don't go there.

 

I never said Lego was corrupt. It's Scouts that's corrupt, as I said in a previous entry (you'll know it when you see it). Scouts is the reason my emotional fall from grace started. No doubt the tyrant of my group is proud of herself. :annoyed:

Link to comment

Again though, you said "lego has been forced to feel the wrath of a victim of deep corruption." If you were referencing scouts in that, then maybe i'd be less inclined to believe you meant Lego was corrupt, but as it stand it's basic english - don't say something when you don't mean it towards the subject of the sentence.

 

And regardless of whether or not your scouts leader was a Tyrant or not, and regardless of whether or not she's proud of herself, You won in the end. You overcame her. You're still letting it eat away at you after you won. You weren't hardened by it if you still care that much.

 

My parents got divorced, my dad mentally abused me and did things that i can't even mention on this site. When I was younger my life sucked, but it hardened me - and it does't eat away at me every day. Just like you Bionicle was my getaway from reality; you wouldn't believe how many stories i wrote, or started to, for Bionicle. But i didn't let it change me, and i most definitely don't dwell on it, or use it as an excuse.

 

I'm not a nice person, and i can be really hard to get along with. Do i blame my dad and the events in my early life for it? ###### yes.

 

But do i use them as an excuse for my own actions? No. No matter what happened in my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my actions are my own, and I can't hide behind the events of my earlier life for them in the end.

 

Blame your scouts leader for the way you are all you want, but in the end no one's responsible for here and now but you. Bionicle isn't going to help you heal or give you something to look forward to in life - the only way you're going to heal is if you stop dweling on previous events and start looking at yourself for what's wrong. You can't hide behind those events forever.

 

I'm fifteen, my birthday was two days ago. My parents got divorced when I was thirteen and before that, every day i was with my dad was like being in a personal ######. You're twenty two and the stuff that happened only ended as long ago as mine did. But these events you're blaming for your actions didn't occur through eight or nine years of your life... they aren't happening now.

 

So please, please, just try to look at yourself and see what's wrong. Because if you refuse to even attempt a change to get things back to the way they used to be in your life, they never will. You'll always be able to say that your scout leader was horrible, that'll never change - but what can change is the way you say it changed you. You can either say that it changed you for the better, making you a stronger person, or it changed you for the worse, making you weaker.

 

And no offence, because i never mean any... but right now, if i were you, i'd be hard pressed to say it changed me for the better.

Link to comment

I was just going to say, the fact that your quite aware of your "emotional scars" and how "cold hearted" you've become, means you know exactly how you feel about matters and the only person from stopping you to change, is probably you.

 

Either that, or you're looking for attention. I'm sorry and I know I sound harsh, but I seriously can't feel any sympathy for you. And if you're allowed to post this long huge speech about how horrible your feelings are right now, I'm allowed to be strictly honest.

Link to comment

Look, MoO. I think you need a new hobby. Not to say that you should give up on BIONICLE, you just need something else that you can "look forward to."

 

That and/or a hypnotherapist.

Link to comment
Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...