Nine years ago, my brothers and I collaborated to write the single greatest Bionicle fanfic ever written. True, most of us didn't know how to write at the time and we had absolutely no experience writing any sort of fiction at all, but gosh darn it we didn't let those minor inconveniences get in the way of us writing the greatest Bionicle fanfic ever written (and yes, the italics are totally necessary. Why? Because it's the greatest Bionicle fanfic ever written that's why).
You must understand that this is the greatest Bionicle fanfic ever written. It's a deep postmodern look into the 2004 story, with biting political satire and a daring experimental literary form. It's quite short, but I can assure you that this story will become an instant classic, beloved by all Bionicle fans and lovers of great literature (in fact, I believe that this fic alone will show LEGO why Bionicle should come back, but that's getting ahead of myself).
Enough of my rambling. The only way to understand why this is the greatest Bionicle fanfic ever written is to read it yourself.
Unfortunately, the original story was written on paper. Thankfully, I have the original copy on hand, so I shall faithfully reproduce it down to the last period and comma in this blog post. Read on:
(WARNING: This is the greatest Bionicle fanfic ever written. If you are allergic to great literature and/or achieving enlightenment, then you may proceed.)
(WARNING #2: The original story is written in ALL-CAPS. Therefore, in order to accurately convey the atmosphere of the original piece, I have transcribed the entire story with caps lock on. My apologies to your eyes.)
BIONICLE: TALE OF THE MATOA
GATHERED FRIENDS, LISTEN TO A NEW CHAPTER OF THE BIONICLE IN THE TIME BEFORE TIME IN THE GLORIOUS CITY OF METRU-NUI, THERE WERE TWO MATORAN PO-TU AND LE-TU. PO-TU IS A PO-MATORAN LE-TU IS A LE-MATORAN. ONE DAY WHEN THE MATORAN WERE CALLED TO THE GREAT COLLISEUM THEY WITNESSED THE SIX TOA THAT PROVED THEMSELVES AS TOA TURAGA DUMA SAID THAT THEY WERE IMPOSTERS RESPONSIBLE FOR TOA LIKAHNS DEMISE ALL OF A SUDDEN THE MATORAN STARTED HATING THE TOA ALL EXCEPT FOR PO-TU AND LE-TU PO-TU THOUGHT UP AN IDEA. "WHAT IF WE BECOME TOA" HE SAID "THAT'S A GREAT IDEA" SAID LE-TU. SO THEY WENT BACK TO PO-METRU BECAUSE PO-MATORANS ARE BUILDERS PO-TU WORKED ALL DAY AND THEN FINALLY THESE NEW SUITS WERE FINISHED THEY BOTH PUT THEM ON AND THEN THEY BECAME THE MATOA. SO THEY ADVENTURED THROUGH METRU-NUI AND THEN THE TAXES AND GAS PRICES ROSE! SO THEY DECIDED TO LEAVE METRU-NUI SO THEY WENT NORTH AND SO LE-TU NOTICED SOME ICEBERGS AND IN THEM WERE FROSTELUS WHO BROKE OUT WHEN THEY SAW THEM THEY CAME TOWARD PO-TU AND LE-TU. "AHHH!" SAID PO-TU AND LE-TU THEN THE FROSTELUS DESTROYED THEIR BOAT THE LAST THING PO-TU SAW WAS LE-TU GOING DEEPER INTO THE WATER PO-TU AWOKE ON AN ISLAND HE GOT UP THIS IS WHERE I'M GOING TO STOP NARRATING SO PO-TU AND LE-TU CAN TALK PO-TU SAID: "WHAT IS THIS ISLAND?" "BEETS ME" SAID LE-TU WHO HAD ALSO WASHED UP ON SHORE ???: "YOU ARE ON THE ISLAND OF MECHA-NUI" BOTH TOA: "AHHH!" PO-TU: "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU SMELL LIKE CHEETOES?" ???: "MY SNACKING PREFERENCES AREN'T IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW BUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS MY NAME I AM TURAGA MUH-KU" (INSERT CHOIR GOING "AAHHHHHH") I'M BACK AND I'M ALSO THE NARRATOR AND SO TURAGA MUH-KU SHOWS THE TOA AROUND THE ISLAND AND THEN THEY SEE A MATORAN PO-TU ASKED: "WHO IS THAT?" TURAGA MUH-KU: "THAT'S REE-REE" AND THEN THEY NOTICED ANOTHER MATORAN AND THIS TIME LE-TU ASKED WHO IT WAS "THAT'S FORREST" SAID TURAGA MUH-KU. FORREST: "HI" AND SO TURAGA MUH-KU TOLD THE STORY OF THE TATOOA HE TOLD THE TWO MA-TOA THAT THE TATOOA WAS A MEMBER OF THE BROTHERHOOD OF MAKUTA