So, just an update here on some of what's currently going on in my life: I started working out! (Finally, you jerk)

Just around an hour daily of walking on a treadmill machine thing. My plan is to start small with this along with leg stretches. Once I build up my stamina (and by singing in the shower more much to my family's dismay because I'm tone deaf -in order to exercise my lungs a bit more-) I plan on moving on to a more taxing regiment. I kinda want to invest in a punching bag. I still have loads of frustrations, so I think it could help with a healthy outlet for stress relief. Besides, I hear it's a good workout from people who box.

I could also start dancing, maybe practice Hare Hare Yukai like I did forever ago.

The point of this isn't to solely lose weight, though. I've seen first hand how damaging neglecting a body can be. Physically, if I keep being lazy and keep eating terrible foods, it's entirely possible my brain's serotonin levels will get out of whack again, then I'll spiral back into a depression and then I'll have to go back to antidepressants to correct it like what happened in my youth.

I honestly don't want to live a life where I feel like my only option is to constantly go back and forth being depressed, overly happy and then normal after treatment. And, yeah, it can still come back even if I am healthy and there's no guarantee that it will come back either if I remain a total slob. But here's the thing: this is long overdue. I want to be healthy, I want to stick around for a while, and if I have grandkids or great nieces and/or nephews, I kinda want to meet them. And I know I can't have that if I keep neglecting myself and deprive myself of my own happiness.

Let me be clear here: this choice is totally selfish. I'm not doing this for bragging rights, I'm not doing this because I want to feel superior or shame anyone else in a similar position because that's a really terrible thing to do. I'm doing this because I have felt insignificant and ashamed of myself for far too long. It's time I stop treating myself like garbage and start to realize I have actual self worth. Because, you know what? I'm sick of it.

I don't feel strong, I feel hopeless. I don't feel inspirational, I feel ashamed. I don't feel like I'm worth it, I feel like a total screwup that should never have existed in the first place.

I'm done.

It's time to move on from that mentality and that terrifies me. It also makes me really, really excited, though.

Goal for 2015: Become healthy physically. One hour of exercise per day minimum, continue to drink enough water and don't push yourself too far. You can do it, jerkface.