Dropping in again for no reason, seeing who's about. Still a few folk I remember doing similar now and again, kind of nice.

Been doing some self-reflecting recently, bit of therapy and that, you know how it is. Probably should've been doing that as a teenager but eh, better late than never. Actually brought up this place during a few sessions, was very much a place I turned to to be 'validated' when I wasn't getting that elsewhere in my life. Growing up I had nobody around who shared my interests and a lot of folk who just thought I was dumb - so BZP gave me a place to have shared interests, and be seen as 'smart' for knowing a lot of Bionicle lore. And then the 'popularity' and 'fame' I'd get leaking set pictures or kicking off for gay rights or whatever was giving me the attention I wasn't getting elsewhere. And there'd be a bit of a 'fight' mentality in all of that because of dissatisfaction elsewhere in life. A lot of the motivations and brain loops involved back then have persisted over the years - getting quieter, but when I step back and look I can still see that stuff is cycling around in my head a lot. People's opinion of me informs a lot, I do a lot to be valued by people and react badly when I even get the WHIFF that people think I might be dumb or not understand something - it's like I have to 'prove' myself in those situations. It's all able to be traced back, and seeing this stuff laid out like that and mapping it all back just makes it all a lot easier. I can see how my brain naturally functions, and why.

Wiped this blog because I mentioned it to a few people IRL and they tracked it down, them seeing how I used to be was not a comfortable thing so I panic deleted as they started reading. Bad times. It's tricky with new people, you get the fresh start with them, but having a previous version of yourself 'preserved' online for them to also see is....yeah it's weird innit.

Anyway, things are good overall. It's cool analyzing myself a bit more - always growth to be had, just trying to actively dig for it a little bit more at the minute. Pretty fun and cool. 

Also, you know what I'm desperate for? A run-down of like, what happened with every BIG NAME person from BZP back in the day. I wanna know where everyone is and when they dropped off the site and why etc. I live for the GOSSIP.