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How To Disagree Well


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Yo yo yall.

Longtime readers of my blog might recall I have admitted that I have a problem with being condescending when disagreeing, and that I'm trying to improve. Well, I have something to report.

I'm still struggling to find the right words to describe it, but I think at last I know what "it" is. I've tried to put it into a very concise list of "rules." I'll list them by themselves first.


How to Disagree Well

1 Listen fairly
2 Avoid negative labels
3 Be concise
4 Speak your mind


(If you like acronyms to help remember, "LABS".)


I don't want to do a giant blog entry today, but I do have more to say about these, so instead I'm going to expand on each of the four rules in seperate blog entries to come. :)

Obviously, when dealing with people, nothing is simple. These might not work in all situations, and there's a lot more I could add (much of it I've already repeated often though). But I've come to believe that if we all embrace and truly live out these four simple rules, the rest will flow naturally and we'll all be able to have a better community experience. ^_^

And if you're wondering, yes, this is somewhat sparked by recent BZP events over the last year or so; these are four very important principles I have seen barely anyone saying much, and I feel it's time for a reminder. :) On the other hand, I've found them to work well in all walks of life whereever I have a disagreement, so, try it out regardless!

At this point, I'm really in the "trying this" stage, but so far it seems to be working enough that I felt it was time to speak up. :)

Perhaps more importantly, I've collected scientific research, psychological principles, and sound logic to back these things up. Stay tuned for more in-depth looks at these things.

27 Comments


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Foolery

Posted

I think it's time for a practice argument, what's your topic of choice?

Tilius

Posted

Do I disagree well, bones?

 

- Tilius

believe victims

Posted

I'm afraid my problem is I do the last one too much. I end up insulting people because usually I express my thoughts in a way that seems like I'm explaining a complex topic like it was rather simple.

 

The problem is, to me, it usually is simple. Things that makes sense to me often end up being what confuses others.

Chols

Posted

I don't agree with this. :)

 

 

Haha, J/k. Someone just had to say that. :P This is an excellent list, Bones. It's clear, quick, and hopefully it works (not that I mean to doubt you, lol). It seems so easy to do, yet there are few who take the time to go about methods such as these. :|

Kayru

Posted

Perhaps more importantly, I've collected scientific research, psychological principles, and sound logic to back these things up.

I disagree.

 

 

 

How'd I do?

:]

 

 

Although I could pretend to be totally serious... after all, with you talking about effective arguments, you may want to review the the logical fallacy of suppressed evidence.

</dork>

 

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bonesiii

Posted

I think it's time for a practice argument, what's your topic of choice?

I dunno. Stone sets changing from brown to yellow and orange is a favorite subject of mine. :P

 

Do I disagree well, bones?

 

- Tilius

I'd say you're one of the best on BZP right now. :) Sometimes you do the negative label thing more than I'm comfortable with, but yeah. You speak your mind, you listen well, you're concise, and not usually overly negative. Actually, T, you're one of the main examples that helped me to learn these rules, to be honest. ^_^

 

I'm afraid my problem is I do the last one too much. I end up insulting people because usually I express my thoughts in a way that seems like I'm explaining a complex topic like it was rather simple.

 

The problem is, to me, it usually is simple. Things that makes sense to me often end up being what confuses others.

By the last one did you mean "be concise"? But regardless, yeah, that's a big hurdle. I run into that problem a lot too. I'll try to remember to work in something about it in the more in-depth entries. :)

 

I don't agree with this. :)

 

 

Haha, J/k. Someone just had to say that. :P This is an excellent list, Bones. It's clear, quick, and hopefully it works (not that I mean to doubt you, lol). It seems so easy to do, yet there are few who take the time to go about methods such as these. :|

Hey, I'm in the same boat, like I said, of hoping it works. :P So far it usually has, or at least better than the alternatives, but it might not always. :)

 

Perhaps more importantly, I've collected scientific research, psychological principles, and sound logic to back these things up.

I disagree.

 

 

 

How'd I do?

:]

 

 

Although I could pretend to be totally serious... after all, with you talking about effective arguments, you may want to review the the logical fallacy of suppressed evidence.

</dork>

 

signature.png

Well, it's concise. :P

Lady Kopaka

Posted

One thing I've always found pleasing when having a civil debate, is when the person views multiple angles. Nothing bothers me more than when people are close-minded and won't see all the different, or amazing points of view (is this sentence hypocritical...?).

 

I dunno. Stone sets changing from brown to yellow and orange is a favorite subject of mine.

rocks aren't really...orange or yellow by normal standards. '-'

bonesiii

Posted

One thing I've always found pleasing when having a civil debate, is when the person views multiple angles. Nothing bothers me more than when people are close-minded and won't see all the different, or amazing points of view (is this sentence hypocritical...?).

I agree. I've blogged about that before (I like to call it "possibilities attitude"). :)

 

I dunno. Stone sets changing from brown to yellow and orange is a favorite subject of mine.

rocks aren't really...orange or yellow by normal standards. '-'

Right, and neither is Air green or Water blue (though Water's is a stronger connection). Also, most rock isn't brown but gray. The principle used with Air was to use an association to get a more vivid color, and it sold well. Brown didn't sell well, so they applied that principle. It's a looser association, granted, but it does make some sense. Sandstone is a "dark yellow" color, for example, and most brown is "dark orange."

 

That said, I personally love brown, fave color behind blue... and third favorite is orange, heh.

EmperorWhenua

Posted

You answered Tils, so I don't feel so bad about asking. :P What about me?

 

~EW~

Bara no Mitsukai

Posted

Bones, do what I do...when someone disagrees, kindly state your point-of-view, why you feel that way, and that everyone has their own opinions...if they continue to harp on you, kindly tell them they're beating a dead horse and restate, obviously in different words, your previous points that they disagree with, and why you have them. If they continue to bug you...PM them with a image filled with the foulest, most degrading, most evil, most self-respect crumbling, most suicidal-thought inducing words you could ever hope to think up...and tell them to rhymes-with-a-certain-water-bird-whose-name-is-four-letters-and-ends-in-a-yuck-like-sound off.

 

Though, I wouldn't try it around moderators....

believe victims

Posted

or Water blue (though Water's is a stronger connection)

Actually, water is blue. Water being blue is why the sky is blue (at least I'm fairly certain it is) and why, no matter how deep in the ocean you go, it will be blue. ;)

Taka-Tahu-Nuva

Posted

or Water blue (though Water's is a stronger connection)

Actually, water is blue. Water being blue is why the sky is blue (at least I'm fairly certain it is) and why, no matter how deep in the ocean you go, it will be blue. ;)

Uh, I hope you weren't being serious here, because it's precisely the opposite AFAIK. =P

Tilius

Posted

Do I disagree well, bones?

 

- Tilius

I'd say you're one of the best on BZP right now. :) Sometimes you do the negative label thing more than I'm comfortable with, but yeah. You speak your mind, you listen well, you're concise, and not usually overly negative. Actually, T, you're one of the main examples that helped me to learn these rules, to be honest. ^_^

Aw. Thanks bro.

 

And tbh I've learnt from you, too. All this logic and stuff. I think before I talk a bit more, but not so much that I don't say what I actually think. I've achieved a balance, really.

 

- Tilius

Nuhrii the Metruan

Posted

So, let me reply to and partially disagree with bonesiii's blog entry in a fair and concise way, for I have spotted some errors in logic:

 

RE: 1) Listen fairly

While I have no idea what kind of system you use, but unfortunately, my notebook isn't able to read BZPower posts out to me, so I can't listen to them. I am, however, able to read the posts carefully myself, which is what I recommend my fellow members to do as well.

 

RE: 2) Avoid negative labels

I can't disagree with that.

 

RE: 3) Be concise

No objections, though I can't help but laugh, seeing as you, bones, of all people ask others to be concise. :P

 

RE: 4) Speak your mind

Feel free to speak your mind, but unless your PC is able to take notes while you speak, it may be recommendable to actually type what you want to express so the other members will be able to process your post as detailed in 1).

 

And with that, I conclude this over-pedantic test argumentation. I hope I was able to put all of your recommendations to good use, bones.

 

NtM:

 

P.S.: As a BSS member and occasional BZP visitor, I strongly approve of this blog entry.

bonesiii

Posted

Concise?

 

 

You?

I can try. :P Notice, BTW, that rules 3 and 4 sorta contradict themselves (on purpose :P) -- I think it's good to say everything you think needs to be said, it's just that often we use way too many words to say them, etc. Concise doesn't necessarily mean every post is super-short (although that's usually best). :)

 

 

You answered Tils, so I don't feel so bad about asking. :P What about me?

 

~EW~

You're good too. I think I'll stop answering that question though. :P

 

So, let me reply to and partially disagree with bonesiii's blog entry in a fair and concise way, for I have spotted some errors in logic:

 

RE: 1) Listen fairly

While I have no idea what kind of system you use, but unfortunately, my notebook isn't able to read BZPower posts out to me, so I can't listen to them. I am, however, able to read the posts carefully myself, which is what I recommend my fellow members to do as well.

 

RE: 2) Avoid negative labels

I can't disagree with that.

 

RE: 3) Be concise

No objections, though I can't help but laugh, seeing as you, bones, of all people ask others to be concise. :P

 

RE: 4) Speak your mind

Feel free to speak your mind, but unless your PC is able to take notes while you speak, it may be recommendable to actually type what you want to express so the other members will be able to process your post as detailed in 1).

 

And with that, I conclude this over-pedantic test argumentation. I hope I was able to put all of your recommendations to good use, bones.

 

NtM:

 

P.S.: As a BSS member and occasional BZP visitor, I strongly approve of this blog entry.

That's a good example. My response:

 

I did mention these seem to work well in most or all walks of life, so it would include literal speaking and listening. :) And where it wouldn't, those are common "figures of speech." ^_^

believe victims

Posted

or Water blue (though Water's is a stronger connection)

Actually, water is blue. Water being blue is why the sky is blue (at least I'm fairly certain it is) and why, no matter how deep in the ocean you go, it will be blue. ;)

Uh, I hope you weren't being serious here, because it's precisely the opposite AFAIK. =P

Actually, I'm fairly certain the sky is blue because the water particles in it reflect blue.

 

As I said, I'm not certain about this.

bonesiii

Posted

The sky refracts sunlight with a blueing effect. Water only reflects that blue light. Water by itself does not cause blueing effects at all. :) Put it under a grayscale sky (or ceiling, etc.) and you see no blue (or put it under red and it appears red, etc.) In other words, water is totally clear. :)

 

(At least in the real world. :P)

believe victims

Posted

The sky refracts sunlight with a blueing effect. Water only reflects that blue light. Water by itself does not cause blueing effects at all. :) Put it under a grayscale sky (or ceiling, etc.) and you see no blue (or put it under red and it appears red, etc.) In other words, water is totally clear. :)

 

(At least in the real world. :P)

Then why do large amounts of water, such as deep in the ocean, still give a bluing effect?

 

EDIT: From Wikipedia(and with a source cited, too):

Water is a tasteless, odorless liquid at standard temperature and pressure. The color of water and ice is, intrinsically, a very slight blue hue, although water appears colorless in small quantities. Ice also appears colorless, and water vapor is essentially invisible as a gas.[10]
bonesiii

Posted

Proving that the list of rules is incomplete, lol -- citing sources sure helps. I hadn't heard that one. Yayz. And yeah, that makes sense, especially about the blue hues of glaciers. (But I'm keeping the list this short anyways. :P)

believe victims

Posted

Actually, it's a bit of something that normally doesn't work in a good disagreement, and only happened by chance here- I was actually grasping at straws, and happened to find one that would help me.

 

Normally, grasping at straws works you into a terrible corner.

Ektris

Posted

Or we can all just go read Jay Heinrichs' Thank You for Arguing.

Mr. M

Posted

Very good information, bonesiii. But I don't agree with it 100%.

If you want to disagree, these are the (possibly) best instructions:

1) Listen for the duration.

2) State your mind.

Much more simple to remember, and it's been tested (by myself.).


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