Life without color

Entry posted by Kaleidoscope Tekulo April 10, 2016

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I can't sleep tonight.

I dunno, lately I've just felt... well, I'm really not sure how to put it. I guess a word that comes close is "uninspired." I've just noticed that lately I just don't feel as passionate about things that I used to. The things I used to love are just sort of there now. Like white noise.

I'm not sure if it's depression or if it's just me changing or what. I mean, I know I'm not normal or anything. Like I've always been rough on myself, telling myself that I'll never be able to have things like a relationship or ever be a guy that's happy-go-lucky. I mean, what if my illness came back, and I'm with someone that has to deal with me rocking back and forth while I'm panicking for no reason... And it's not like I'm attractive or ambitious or will ever be successful or all that smart. And yeah, that's a pretty poor attitude to have and all, but hey that's what those years of bullying in school made me start thinking and it's turned into a pretty nasty habit, so what are you gonna do?

But even with all of that aside, things never quite felt like this before. To be honest I've felt this way since my dog died last year. I dunno, I guess even when I went through being bullied or even when I got really bad depression she was always there. She was my best and oldest friend. And you know, being home still and not having her around to share my food with and not seeing her paw prints in the snow and not having her around, I really notice her not being here.

It sort of feels like life without color. I used to be the guy who, against all odds, wanted to spite the world and be happy anyway. But now it just feels like I've lost that fight in me. The only thing that really felt emotionally rewarding was when I got offered my summer job.

Eh, I think I'll have a talk about this with my doctor when I see them next.

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