Dear Reader,

If you have paid attention to the world around you over the course of your life, you are probably well aware that certain unpleasant characteristics are to be found on the faces of many people, just as they are to be found on many people's left ankles. The Baudelaire orphans were exempt from many of these conditions, having inherited their mother's pleasant facial features, but sadly, there are many who do suffer from such unfortunate facial features. Shiny eyes, for instance, are typical of all sorts of people, including former presidents of large businesses, or certain well-renowned actresses. A frightening voice can be heard in most of Al Funcoot's plays, or at performances by people who take up yodeling in deserts as a hobby. Brilliant smiles have been seen on actors in toothpaste commercials, and on the city's sixth most important financial advisor, back when smiling was in.

However, the three aforementioned features, when together, will usually describe only villainous people, such as Count Olaf or one of the six Piraka, as the case is here. You are probably better off avoiding my latest story, Smile!, which contains such unpleasantries as poor working conditions, the Mask of Life, the mass slaughter of mining supervisors, comfortable lodging in the home of a notorious villain, a song by The Gothic Archies, and protodites. One can only hope that you will have the good judgement not to read this story, lest you add a perennial, a word which here means "eternal," frown to your personal guise.

With all due respect,

Aanchir: Rachira of Time