Steelsheen
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Posts posted by Steelsheen
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NOTICE: Cederak is back! We are currently transitioning the necessary positions internally, but your beloved (somewhat snarky) Head Critic has resumed his seat in the library halls.-Steelsheen
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My review is actually ready, (and long) but for some reason, every time I try to post it or PM it to you, I get an error message."Fatal error: Allowed memory size of 134217728 bytes exhausted (tried to allocate 523800 bytes) in /home/bzpower/public_html/board/converge_public/sources/classes/text/parser.php on line 434"I'm trying to figure out how to fix this, but in the mean time, please hang tight, okay?-SteelsheenMy patience has almost run dry...
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Charity review for Glatorian Chronicles # 9 is fin. Sorry about the super delay - I got a full time job about two weeks ago and it's been crazy making the adjustment.-S
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ECC Charity Review
TNTOS,First off, I have a very good reason for turning this in so late - I have a job in real life.
But seriously, sorry about how long you've waited for this, and I've tried to make it worth your extra time.Let's start with dialogue, which is generally one of your strongest points. In the first two chapters, Ackar and his fellow fire soldiers speak with a refined, somewhat old-fashioned tone. By contrast, Kiina uses a lot of contractions and slang. This is a great way to show a cultural difference and up until Ackar starts using occasional slang as well (I believe that's in chapter 3) it works. Beyond tone, each of your characters have a lot of logical reactions or responses in their dialogue - I read it aloud and it flowed like a real conversation. Of course there are a few rough spots, but overall, you did well here. Your original insults between Ackar and Kiina are particularly good.Next, your characters come under the microscope. Ackar, being the narrator, is naturally the most fully developed character and has a balanced personality that varies between dedicated soldier and sarcastic satirist. He has his faults, too - impatience, chiefly - but he at least tries to minimize those.By contrast, Kiina has more of a bluntly written character, but then again, this may be just how the narrator see her. She has less of a balanced air, seeming to be quite uncivilized and at times obnoxious.And of course there's the sadistic and confusing Ice Lord, Xocion. He says he values honesty and provides his "pawns" with enough food to tantalize their hopes, then attacks a day before he promised. He saves their lives just to watch them die. He freezes his own Agori and leaves them around for centuries. I'm not an expert, but he might need to see a psychiatrist. As a villain, he's alright, but I would have really loved to have seen more real motivation from him, instead of Arkham Asylum bloodlust.There is one thing I think make this epic not quite up to your usual standards, and sadly, it's Ackar's fault. While I have no complaints about chapters four through six, I have to say that some of the narration in one through three is a bit grating. This is mostly because he thinks in "quantum time". For example, in the middle of a battle, where he's about to die by enemy attack or an avalanche, Ackar still manages to analyze every single detail of the surroundings while it's happening. He thinks about the logical reaction of his soldiers, his enemies' natural assumption that the fire soldiers are retreating, and even analyzes his own analysis.If you've read The Hunger Games you'll remember that Katniss hardly ever analyzes her actions while she's making them. It's afterwards that she stops to think why she did just what she did. Now, granted, Ackar is much more of a soldier and has a gift for noticing detail. But that doesn't make him Sherlock Holmes; many of his reflections would feel much more natural if he thought them while trudging for hours through the snow.Generally, this is where I have two pages worth of quotes pulled from your story, but this time, I picked out just a few little nuggets of goodness that I liked, or had questions about.From chapter 1:
Isn't that exactly what people generally have concerns about when they question plans?Then again, I thought, there wasnt much to question about this plan, except perhaps the wisdom of it.
I'm not an expert on Glatorian canon, but I thought no one but the Elemental Lords wielded elemental powers up until Mata Nui came? It's not an issue, however, if you simply don't want to follow canon - I hardly ever do.Assuming nothing will go wrong, as soon as the Water army reaches the center of the canyon, my men will use their elementally-powered weapons to create an avalanche.
Just thought I'd bring it up.
I loved this bit - a reversal (or perhaps a logical end?) of extreme environmental protection. Maybe you weren't going for satire, but the dry wit here is great.From chapter 3:I looked around the place. Aside from the occasional dead tree dotting the landscape, there really didnt seem to be any life at all. I saw no footprints in the snow and heard no animals. Killing all of the life in a place just to protect the environment . . . somehow that seemed backwards to me, but I was careful to keep my opinions to myself lest Xocion decided to make me a part of his palace statuary.
Two questions; first, I realize that Elemental Lords can do a lot, but how did the Elemental Lord of Ice manage to keep the water hot if it was hidden under a dead tree? Second, couldn't Ackar and Kiina just drink melted snow (which they wouldn't have to carry) or use Kiina's elemental power?Supplies, Xocion replied. It should be enough for one day, maybe a day and a half if gluttony is not your sin. There are also two full bottles of hot water; cold water would freeze in this weather.
Heh, a guy's gotta have some self-respect when falling several hundred feet and screaming like a little girl.And then, without warning, we suddenly dropped like stones. I hate to admit it, but I started screaming for my life as we fell, but Kiina did too, and arguably her screams of terror were worse than mine.
She really is a stubborn nut.As I doubted any of my words could pierce that thick, stubborn skull of hers, I chose not to explain it to her. Shed have to learn from the master teacher: Experience.
Ah! Earlier question answered.From chapter 6-The water itself was easy enough to deal with; we just filled our empty bottles with water from Kiinas trident and then I heated them up to a drinkable temperature with my sword.
Someone, please give this girl lessons in tact!Altogether, your characters are really what makes this one a good story, and I liked the open ending - neither too much foreshadowing or too little closure.-SteelsheenWe could run away together, Kiina suggested. Run away from the armies, the war, everything, just so we can be together and not have to fight each other.Whoa, Kiina, I said, feeling alarmed and, for some reason, embarrassed. Thats a little extreme, isnt it? I mean, I like you, Kiina, but the way youre talking, we might be lovers.Oh, said Kiina, looking very embarrassed. Oh, er, youre right, Ackar. I . . . sorry. It was a stupid idea. I didnt really mean it. It was just a joke, you know?
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Interesting grammar? Uh... Thanks... I think. Sorry if this story made you melancholy; I'm not intending to write depressing stories, but some things happen to be sad. That doesn't need to diminish the joy in life, but to choose to ignore sadness means missing the chance to learn. And yes, they are constructing a memorial for Matoro - an interactive one where they have stored all their memories about him. It functions much like the Chronicler's book.-SWell this is interesting that it is a form of memorial... And side note: why are people writing depressing stories... Anyways, at first I was a little confused on what was going on until the very end. Also, very interesting use of grammar. I'm kinda confused are they trying to make something for Matoro for his memorial?Lehvorak -
The Esoteric Athenaeum I'll be honest; I didn't write these stories because I wanted them to have an astounding number of views or the most comments - I wrote them because they were like caged shadows, longing to get out and play in the flickering firelight. Because by writing them, I set them free from those cages and get to watch their mesmerizing dance. But if only for the convenience of finding them easily myself, I suppose the Athenaeum was inevitable. Well, that's quite enough of the archaic ramblings. Without further introduction, my ensemble of literary seedlings.-SteelsheenDefinitions:Esoteric - understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interestAthenaeum - an institution for the promotion of literary or scientific learning; a library or reading roomEpics:Life is a Blank: a Story of Metru-NuiCruel Toa who serve the Great Spirit control the city, while the matoran are little more than slave labor. The Mendarii, the Madness, grips those who betray the Great One. In the City of Shadows, a small group of matoran, Toa and strange creatures called Rahaga are determined to unravel the mysteries and unmask the Great Spirit.This story is set in a non-canon universe.Number of Chapters: 29 (still in progress)Short Stories:EqualityThe inspiration for / prologue to a future epic called "Legends of the Ara". The musings of two Great Beings on why so many of their creations cause pain and suffering.This story is set in a non-canon universe.MonstersMatau Hordika isn't a coward by any stretch of the imagination, but even he is ready to yell "Please save me from the monsters!".This story is set in the canon universe.SeerIn the frozen land of Avernii, evil creatures called Jarakh-Gul roam the tundra and special matoran called Seers have the power to bring their dreams to life.This story is set in a non-canon universe.Remember MeIn the aftermath of the war with Teridax and the founding of a new life on Bara Magna, some people have forgotten Toa Matoro. His teammates intend to change that.This story is set in the canon universe.Chroniclers' SpiritThe current Chronicler Takua meets a future Chronicler, and recognizes the storyteller spark in her. A story about friendship and what matoran do when they're not saving the world.This story is set in a non-canon universe.Here Come Those Eyes - SongficA romantic songfic recalling one of my favorite subplots of the Bohrok War - Hewkii and Macku. Lyrics by Chris Rice.This story is set in the canon universe. Completely Off-Topic:Lay it Down - SongficA songfic about a father / daughter relationship and the lies that are hurting them both. Lyrics by Nichole Nordeman.
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Hewkii drew his hand carefully over the chunk of granite, shaping it with his elemental power. A perfect sphere was beginning to emerge from the rough stone. He hoped it was impressive enough. The former Po-matoran sighed, resting from his labor for a minute. "We're sure about this?" he asked his companion. "Just a sphere? Toa Lhikan got statues kio high." Nuparu looked up from the circuitry he was repairing and nodded. "You heard what Jaller said. Besides, those statues of Toa Lhikan didn't last very long." "I guess." The kohlii player in Hewkii wanted to see merit given a greater reward than a simple headstone. It didn't feel right, after everything the Toa Mahri of Ice had given, that his sacrifice should just drop into obscurity. But on a Toa team, apparently the majority ruled. So he went back to his tasking of smoothing stone while Nuparu welded in silence. "Can I interrupt for a minute?" An Onu-matoran stood in the doorway of the makeshift workshop, his arms full of tools and gizmos. "Here's the stuff you wanted, Nuparu. Took us a while to scavenge it, what with everything going on out there." "Thanks, Unletu," Nuparu smiled at his former co-worker. "Just put it down anywhere." "Okay." Unletu dropped the unorganized heap in a corner. The neat freak in Hewkii winced at the sight before returning his focus to the sculpture. "Hey, that's gonna look good, Hewkii!" The Onu-matoran ran his hand over a section of the granite. "Finish off all the pores and that'll last a thousand years." "That's the idea," the Toa of Stone answered briefly.* * * "You're really sure that's it?" Hewkii asked one more time, as the five Toa Mahri surveyed the finished creation. "He deserves a lot more than this, you know." Hahli shook her head. "This isn't about what he deserves. This is about remembering." "Yeah, well I think he'd like us to remember a little more than just a grave," Hewkii grumbled. Nuparu carefully fitted the last wire into the socket and slid out from underneath the sculpture. "Trust me, this is a lot more than just a grave. Some of my best work is in there. Hand me the heatstone, someone?" Kongu obliged, then turned to Hewkii. "Back in treebright Le-koro, we had a specialcertain way of deepburying the ones who darkdied. We made treewood boxes and hungtied them to a hugebig tree so they lookseemed like fruit." His face had a bittersweet expression. "It pathshowed how the fallendeath helpgived to others new leafdawn. They were not just oldbone and gone; their hero-acts keptmade them alive and happycheer forever." Hewkii let the confusing explanation hang in the air for a few seconds before asking, "Your point is...?" "My point-thought," Kongu answered slowly, uncharacteristically solemn, "is that to realtruly honorgive a cold-dead hero, you have to speakshow what they gaveleft. Matoro can live spiritblessed forever, if we tellshow how he madegave us a newbetter life." Nuparu shook his head and attached the heatstone to the generator he'd contrived. "That's the most confusing obituary I've ever heard." "Treespeak is very specialimportant to me, now that so fewsmall still singspeak," Kongu answered. Jaller was tempted to roll his eyes, but in a way, he understood the Toa of Air's logic. Yes, maybe everything they had known on Mata-Nui was a lie, but that world had shaped who they were. It had made them strong and brave enough to face the impossible dangers of the past few weeks, and given them the tools to survive in this new world. To completely forget that culture, that history, felt like betraying a friend. Like forgetting Matoro, as so many had already seemed to do. He brushed off his metaphysical musings as Nuparu flicked a switch on the small control panel. "Is it ready?" The inventive Toa nodded. "Everything's a go." Hewkii looked their joint creation over with a critical eye. The sphere, suspended a third of a bio off the ground by four elegant protodermis legs, was about two bio in diameter, perfectly smooth and glistened white in the sun. The thick stone shell protected an advanced kind of recording device, similar to the Chronicler's book. The sphere was laced throughout with veins of protodermis to conduct electricity. A simple touch on the surface could activate the device, but a thousand years of howling winds would hardly chip anything away. He grudgingly nodded his approval of the structure. "Let's try it." Nuparu put his hand on the sphere, stroking it like he would a pet Ussal crab. "Let me go first, in case there's a bug." For several minutes, he kept his hand on the stone, his eyes closed in concentration. "There. Someone else try it." Jaller pressed his palm to the granite, followed by Hahli, Kongu and Hewkii. Each of them poured all their memories of the Toa Mahri of Ice into the stone, the recorder soaking up every second of their trials together. It was nearly half an hour before they were all finished, each exhausted by the experience. Nuparu bent to reach the control panel again and flicked a second switch. "Perfect! Now, anyone who touches this is going to see everything he did." The Toa of Fire nodded his approval. "I think he would have liked it." Kongu looked over at Hahli, who was staring into the sky absently. "You want to speaksay a few solemnwords?" The former Chronicler nodded, bringing her eyes back down to earth. "Sure." She paused for a second, collecting her thoughts. At last, she shook her head. "No. No, I can't. He didn't need speeches or songs. He never wanted praise or recognition; he wanted his friends to be safe. He lived with lies and deception every day as Turaga Nuju's aid, but he just wanted the truth to come out. And when it did, and we left to find the Toa Nuva, he probably knew more about what we were getting ourselves into than any of us. But he came anyway, even if he did have nightmares every night and woke the rest of us." Kongu chuckled ruefully at the memory. Hahli seemed not to hear and just kept on talking. "Matoro just wanted to have a normal life, one where he could get up in the morning and not hear the warning horns. He wasn't a genius, or a weapons expert or a fighter. He was just a matoran in a world made by powerful beings who didn't care if we lived or died, people who saw us as insects. And he proved them wrong, because he was greater than they'll ever be. He gave everything to save a future he'd never see." She paused for breath and was startled to feel Jaller's hand slip around her own, squeezing it tight. "Nice speech," he smiled. She gave a shaky laugh. "I give my best ones without realizing I'm doing it." Hewkii exhaled softly. Maybe they're right. Maybe he really doesn't need a monument or a museum. It's enough that we remember.
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Before I say anything else, I have to tell you that I vehemently oppose anything canon that occurs after Matoro's death. I don't like multi-verses, I don't like the Mata-Nui robot thing, and I don't like Bara Magna. But I loved this story, anyway. Which just goes to prove what everyone already knows - GSR, you're brilliant.Hahli is portrayed here as a war-scarred but still dedicated Toa. She still sees the world in black and white, and even though she's been through *ahem* Karzahni, she hasn't allowed it to change who she is. Her brief scene with the only other Toa Mahri to appear, Jaller, is simple but real. Not much else needs to be said between them - they understand that the universe may have changed, but their moral compass is steady. As Teridax points out, her character just won't allow her to fall into darkness. Unless she's talking about him, of course - then it's Sarcasm City. ;)And here is the real genius of this story: Teridax himself. Like Hahli, I always think of him as "the Makuta", the archnemesis and antagonist of every matoran. He's a villian, and he'll always be a villian... But what if he wasn't? What if he had the same grandiose style, the same narcissistic and cunning personality, but he never turned evil? This "Light Teridax", as Cederak calls him, is one of the best examples I've seen on BZP of character developement. He's got a slightly philosophical bent in his speech, which makes him seem less dangerous than he is at times. He has a control over shadow despite the fact that he eagerly serves the light. But he's not a Toa; he doesn't have the mercy that Hahli shows. He's just enough like his darker self that I can imagine they are one and the same.Out of this was born the one thing I take issue with in your story: personal choice. Teridax tells Hahli at one point that he and Dark Teridax are different merely because they come from different worlds. Does he mean to imply that he didn't consciously reject the dark? That it was just random chance that he had not ended up the same way as the Teridax Hahli knew? If so, wouldn't there be some world out there where Hahli herself is the dark tyrant, and it was mere luck that it wasn't in this reality? Because Teridax doesn't go into the subject much deeper, I'm inclined to believe that is just his viewpoint, not the true nature of reality, but I'd like to pick your brain on the subject.I also have a question concerning the ending - Hahli clearly believes that people can change (unless they're Teridax) and she proves it by saving Dark Takanuva. But to do so, she had to give up some of her own light. Does this make her evil now? Is the only way to redeem someone else to plunge yourself into the dark?-HH
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Stave 29Kendrall felt his pulse pound in his ears. Every muscle and gear in his body was tense and ready to jump at the slightest provocation. He barely even allowed himself to breathe. Wait for it, he told himself stubbornly. Wait. A few bio away, a squad of four Vorzakh were overseeing a group of some thirty Le-matoran as they constructed a Vahki transport. They seemed unaware of his presence, but some instinct, a sixth sense only a native of the island would understand, told him that the enforcers of Metru-Nui were not so easily fooled. As he watched, one of the Le-matoran began quietly humming in time with the rhythmic beat of his tools. One of the Vorzahk cooly stepped over the the offending matoran and lashed out at him. The Vahki's staff connected solidly with the Le-matoran's head and a small flare of energy sparked behind the matoran's Kanohi Komau. A moment later, the Le-matoran had lost all control of his higher brain functions and wandered off, babbling nonsensically. The other Le-matoran increased their speed and worked as noiselessly as possible - a few glanced after their friend sadly. The "shambler" was out of site in a few moments, ignored by everyone he passed. Kendrall felt a small hand clasp his tightly. He turned his head just enough to see Leyana huddling up against him, looking fearfully at the Vahki. She was not so young that she could not remember living in Le-metru, hounded and corralled by the Vorzahk; he could see the old fear in her eyes. Behind her, Jaatiiko stood quietly, waiting for his brother to act. There was muted dread in his face, too. In the second that Kendrall took his eyes off the Vahki, disaster struck. The leader of the squad, designated by the stripe of silver protodermis that ran lengthwise over it's "jaws", gave off a high-pitched shriek and swung it's staff in his direction. The Ga-matoran shoved Leyana back and ducked to avoid the blow. He felt a painful shock as the staff just grazed his mask, but the contact wasn't enough to release a full blast of the staff's mind erasing power. "Run!" he yelled. The three siblings turned and raced down the street, clinging to the shadows. Leyana took the lead, weaving through the alleys and back ways that she had once wandered. Jaatiiko and Kendral, less sure of the way and a little slower, stayed barely a bio out of the Vahki's reach. "Ley, we need a blind corner," Kendral panted, checking the disc in his launcher. The code read 664 - a decent level of power against a Vahki, but shrinking one of the machines wouldn't damage their staffs in any way. "And a sewer grate," he added quickly. The Vahki squad's gears and pistons whirred loudly as they pushed their top speed. One tried to swipe at Jaatiiko with it's staff, miscalculated and tripped. A mere second later it was back on it's feet and running again. The leader took several holographic images of the three matoran as it continued the chase, intending to search it's database for prior offenses. One too many times disobeying the Great One could get a matoran killed instead of made a "shambler". Curiously, none of these matoran had on their standard-issued metru identification arm badges. That made two offenses, the Vahki noted. "Up-coming!" Leyana shrieked as she ducked into a broader street, crossing over a grate-covered vent. Kendrall glanced over his shoulder long enough to fire the disc at the closest Vahki as he ran. He didn't dare take another look until he had put some distance between himself and the machines, but from the small clatter and high screech, he guessed that his plan had worked. Okay, now figure out a way to lose three more. '"Tiiko! Any ideas?" The squad leader added two more crimes to it's current target - possession of illegal weapons and wanton destruction of metru property. Strangely, though, it could not find any match in it's database for these three matoran. Metru-Nui records of them simply did not exist. The Vorzakh's eye's narrowed. These were no mere lawbreakers; they were Outsiders and possibly the highest offending criminals this particular squad had ever seen. The leader chirped it's discovery to it's two subordinates as they continued the chase. This information meant the running would end much sooner - the rules about "no killing if the lawbreaker is still useful" did not apply to illegal matoran from other islands. All three Vahki bent their heads down to touch their chest plates, clamped down on a disc in the storage compartment and brought their heads up to aim again without any pause in their speed. By their calculations, the three illegals had about ten seconds left in this life. The Ga-matoran fired another disc, but it was ill-aimed - an Ussal cart levitated into the air harmlessly. The lead Vahki plotted the course of the fleeing criminals and fired. It's companions followed suit. Without warning, a fourth disc flew in from the side and blocked all three of the Vahki's shots from converging on their target. It was a nearly impossible shot, even using a Po-metru disc with the power to deflect other kanoka. The Vahki's discs flew wildly and hit the nearby walls of buildings. The lead Vahki hissed in disgust and turned in the direction of the new lawbreaker. A matoran wearing armor from Ta-metru and a blue mask had already loaded another disc and was about to fire. "Hey, wirebrains!" he yelled. "I think I'm worse than the kids are." One of it's subordinates chirped that the distraction had caused the other three lawbreakers to escape. The lead Vorzahk calculated the weight of the offenses before replying that obstructing a pursuit and threatening a Vahki carried a worse punishment than running. Accordingly, all three struck offensive poses and lowered their staffs at this new matoran. Takua smiled. All the technology of Metru-Nui and Vahki are still so predictable. He quickly fired into the air, then double-checked the code on his last disc. It read 1574 - a medium powered Disc of Shielding. He slammed it as hard as he could against his own chest armor, and the force was enough to trigger a weak shield around him. Just in time, too, he chuckled in relief as three Vahki staffs slammed against his head. The shield flickered, but did not break yet. He risked glancing up at the sky as the Vahki lifted their arms for a second try. Come on; down! The Ga-metru disc he had fired in the air came hurtling back down, driven by his thoughts. The explosion triggered right at his feet, blowing him backwards a few bio and sapping the last of his shield. For a few minutes, all he could do was blink and try to hear anything but the ringing in his ears. He thought he felt someone tugging at his arm, and a far away voice. His eyes came back into focus slowly and he saw Leyana had grabbed his hand and was trying to pull him out of sight. If he hadn't been in pain, her efforts might have struck him as comical. "Takua?" Leyana called again in a tremulous voice. "Takua?" He shook his head, trying to focus his senses. "Yeah, yeah; I'm fine." "Proto rats, you are," said a firm voice. It took him a moment to identify the speaker as Kendral. "Even with a shield, that blast should've killed you." Takua laughed, trying to ignore the shooting pains in his neck. "Just whiplash and maybe some cuts." He winced a little as the Ga-matoran helped him sit up. "I promised your sister I'd look out for you guys." "Great job of that, by the way." The green Rahaga spoke up from the shadows of a building across the street. "But can I suggest we get out of here? Somewhere safe?" Kendral's face was grim. "There isn't any safe place for us now. Those Vahki will have transmitted holographs of us to their local hub - pretty soon, the whole island will be out looking for us four." "Are there any... Any more sea caves?" Takua asked, panting a little. "Places we could hide?" Jaatiiko, standing behind his brother, kicked at a piece of twisted metal that had been a Vahki a few minutes ago. "It wouldn't matter," he commented. His voice was cold and held a note of suspicion. "The Vahki found where we live; you can bet they'll scour the coastline for weeks now." "Um, not to rush you, but - get out of the street, for Mata Nui's sake!" Iruini hissed. Jaatiiko took Leyana's hand and Kendral half-carried, half-guided Takua out of the sunlit street. They followed the small green Rahaga down two smaller alleys until they came to a large warehouse used to store the wrecks of failed vehicles before they were shipped to Ta-metru and melted down. Iruini easily picked the lock on one of the side doors and all five slipped inside. "So who are you, really?" Jaatiiko lifted his head to meet Iruini's gaze. "How did the Bordahk find the cave? Who are you working for?" A small blade gleamed in his hand threateningly. "You think this was me?" the Rahaga asked in surprise. "This could only be you," Takua said coldly, shaking his head to clear the white dots swimming before his eyes. "The truth, now. Who are you, and who sent you?"Review
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Enigma has been reviewed at great length. My apologies for turning this in so late; my baby sister got a hold of my iPad and deleted a bunch of apps, my writing app among them. The moral of the story is turn in your review early and keep your electronics locked!
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ECC ReviewKarzahni,Let me first apologize for how late this review is in coming. I have a legitimate excuse in that my baby sister deleted my writing app on Monday and consequently, my review with it. However, I've recreated it for you, and it is nearly as long as your epic itself, I believe.
Let's start with characters.Synheith - a calm, calculating Toa of Fire - is certainly not stereotypical of his people. He comes across as fairly detatched most of the time - I'm not even always clear on his motivations for working for the Order. He seems to be somewhat morally ambivalent. Likara at one point says, "You only talk when something or someone is in danger, don't you? You seem more like a Toa of Ice." And I think she hit the nail on the head there. Though not always a likable hero, Synheith makes a good protagonist. The only thing I would say is that his dialogue is so inconsistent that I have to read everything he says twice. At times, he speaks librarian; sometimes he just talks high school slang. Oftentimes just reading his lines out loud will help you figure out what he would say.Likara is a chipper Toa of Water who seems to be a sort of amalgamation of Macku and Hahli. While Synheith is very three dimensional and a mould-breaker, she seems flat and stereotyped by comparison. Mostly, this is because she doesn't seem to have any flaws. Remember that a balance of flaws and virtues make a character both relatable and likable.Gresh hasn't had much conscious screen time, but he seems very much as I remember him from the movie. Nice job on that.Surel instantly struck me as an Obi-Wan Kenobi figure... with a Texas accent. Like Synheith, his mode of talking switches constantly, making it hard to understand or follow his point. However, for the old mentor/storyteller role, he does very well.And that's a good segue into a discussion of dialogue. Most of your grammatical errors and story problems come from parts where characters are talking. It can be very hard to make words on a page sound like a believable conversation, but here are a few tips, based on your specific issues. First, use slang. Not everywhere, obviously, but a contraction or a "cool" thrown in make it feel more real. That's how people talk, after all. Second, pick a mode and stick with it. Surel is a good example of this. He starts with a cowboy accent, transitions to a Harvard manner of speaking and finishes it up with "y'all". When real people talk, they have a set speech pattern, a predictable set of words that everything else is based on. You as the author have to do that for your characters, too. And finally, make sure to separate long sentences into shorter ones so people don't get confused while reading.Alright, onto the really long quoting section!From the prologue -
There's some really good imagery here, but it's worded in such a way that comes off as confusing and/or ostentatious. Try to remember that emotion is best shown through simplicity. Here's one way to rephrase it:Synheith, Toa of Fire, stood shrouded in the shadows of his new residence. The only light source in the room was a single window to his left - as the twilight rays of sunlight dimmed, the dusky light glinted on the surface of his armor.Toa Synheith, Toa of Fire, stood, shrouded in shadows in his new residence. The only light source in the room was a single window to his left, and now the twilight rays of Spherus Magna's sun were dimming, and whatever light was left glinted off the surface of his armor.
Unless north belongs specifically to Synheith, it should read "not giving a consistent reading of north".The device, however, was behaving unusually - the needle jumped back and forth, not giving a consistent direction for his North.
I thought he was sure it was an ambush before this point...Now almost certain this was an ambush, Synheith exited the hallway with caution, Pulse Staff primed and ready, yet no foes materialized.
Neither of these sentences have ending punctuation, and Synheith's line is actually two sentences, so it should look like this: The Brotherhood would never leave such an object unguarded, he thought. Something's wrong.The Brotherhood would never leave such an object unguarded, he thought, something's wrong"Indeed, something is"
The comma after "the being said" does not need a space placed between it and the preceding word."That would be correct," the being said , demonstrating his mind-reading capabilities once again, probably just for his own amusement. "To pay respect to a simple formality, my name is Makuta Treperath. What might yours be?"
Again, missing a period at the end."In hours, this fortress will be overrun by the Order. You will surely fail in defending this Crystal from our hands"
After "listen", there should be a comma, and the last sentence feels a bit too redundant.Listen little Toa - this is no mere trinket. But I suppose there are secrets you were never meant to find out, and there are places in this world your superiors don't want you to discover.
Synheith didn't seem like a rule breaker up to this point, so I must assume that his encounter with Makuta Treperath has disturbed him deeply. However, if you're trying to show that his faith in his superiors has been shaken, that doesn't really come across well because we haven't seen him interact with them before.Also, the second sentence has a break in the wrong place; it should read:"Yet Treperath's words continued to resound in his mind, haunting his dreams - until a month later, when Teridax gained control of the universe, and the words that the Makuta had laid out to him in the chamber became far more consequential than he had ever imagined."Even done this way, it's pushing the limit on how long a sentence should be. But it is all one thought and flows well, so you don't really have to change it.Of the dark room and of Makuta Treperath, he made no mention. Yet Treperath's words continued to resound in his mind - haunting his dreams, until a month later, Teridax gained control of the universe, and the words that the Makuta had laid out to him in the chamber became far more consequential than he had ever imagined. The storm did indeed come.
It should read "back on the Southern Continent". Also, as a quick note, good use of adjectives to manipulate how the reader views the scene. I don't normally think of a need for success as being "cold", but because you used it, I now see Synheith as detached from emotion.Back in the Southern Continent, failure to defend his city meant certain death for many unfortunate Matoran, and this cold instinct to succeed was what drove him to perform as a Toa.
I always misspell "curiosity", too.Normally, Synheith was not an inquisitive Toa. But a line is drawn when something is done out of curiousity, and when something is done out of the possible urgency and exigency of the situation. Synheith decided the line had been crossed.And so, he turned around, exited his room, and went to search for Helryx. Try running the whole chapter through spell check before you post it - it helps catch little things like these. The second sentence feels awkward; you might try rewording it as "But there is a fine line between an act of mere curiosity and an act born of possible exigency."From chapter 1 -
An excellent example of good scenery description - not too much, and not too little. If this were a painting, I think it would be a watercolor; not photographic, exactly, but an elegant and clear rendition.The arid sands of Bara Magna burned in the midday heat. Despite what both Matoran and Agori geologists had predicted, the melding and lowering of average global temperatures had done little to alleviate the painful heat of the desert. Every now and then, a diminutive Zesk would appear from beneath the surface, scan the area for prey, and disappear back into the ground. The barren landscape continued as far as the eye could see, broken occasionally by a patch of trees or an oasis, until the flat ground gave way to massive sand dunes in the distance.
Again, this is two sentences, not one. Put in a period after "continued"."You came just in time though," the large armored warrior continued, "I was planning to summon you for a task."
True to the enigma that is the English language, "battle hardened" is actually a compound word and needs a hyphen.This was a job for a novice Toa training to fight, not a battle hardened veteran like himself.
Two sentences here; put a period in after "said" and capitalize "always"."I never liked canyons," the Glatorian said, "always an ideal spot for an ambush."
Change the period after "ambush" to a comma. And I love the sarcasm."Maybe if you spent less time talking, we could avoid something like, I don't know, an ambush." Synheith replied.
Oops, you got your comma stuck outside your quotations marks there.From chapter 2 -"Yeah. I'm fine. My name is Synheith", he said, shaking Gresh's hand.
This is really all one train of thought and should be one paragraph.Why do beings like ourselves need to have a predetermined future, or a duty codified for us? My duties depend on exigencies, and my destiny on my own successes or mistakes. And most importantly, why unity? Why must we work with others to succeed? I defended my village for more years than I can remember; yet never needed the help of another warrior. He glanced at Gresh. Other warriors also tend to be annoying and slow things down.
I have a couple points for this one. First, you've got a couple simple grammatical errors, like uncapitalized letters and missing punctuation. Second, when you talk about flying in your dreams or a video game, do you specify that you view it in the third person? Do you say things like "a force possessed me"? Most people don't. Granted, if you wanted Gresh to have an unusual speech pattern, this would be okay, but up until this point, he's been perfectly normal. By contrast, his speech here has gone very librarian... Or Jedi."I saw myself flying, as if in third person, to that mountain!" he pointed towards the north, towards a tall mountain which summit was obscured by clouds "there, I saw myself enter a cave, near the top. The cave was dark, humid - and almost endless. And at the end, I saw a large coffin, and suddenly a force possessed my hand to open it - and lying within was an entity who I know. somehow, is a Great Being. He told me to free him, so that he may bring peace and the perpetual existence of Spherus Magna through his inventions. This isn't a mere dream, I'm certain the Being was communicating to me through a vision. We must look for him!" Here's one way you might re-write it to sound more like Gresh."I saw myself flying to that mountain!" He pointed towards the north, towards a tall mountain, the summit of which was obscured by clouds. "I saw a cave, near the top and flew inside. The cave was huge - I thought it'd go on forever. And at the end, I saw a big coffin. I... I couldn't stop myself, and I opened it. The body - I knew him, somehow. I think he's a Great Being. He told me to free him, and he'll bring peace." He paused for breath. "I don't think it was just a dream. The Being was giving me a vision. We have to find him!"
Just a few more grammatical errors. Corrected:"Sounds mighty dubious to me; you sure?" said Likara, echoing his thoughts. She continued mischievously, "You sure the lightning didn't fry your brain for a while?""Sounds mighty dubious to me, you sure?" said Likara, echoing his thoughts. She continued mischievously: "you sure the lightning didn't fry your brain for a while?"Gresh got to his feet, and fixed his eyes on Synheith, "do you believe in duty? Or in destiny?"
You can either make Gresh speak elegantly or not, but it's pretty incongruous to put an incorrect "me" (it should be "Likara and I") next to "proceed". If you want Gresh to speak well, then fine. Just choose one style and stick with it."Sure," said Gresh, "you can escort Kyry back to the Matoran City, while me and Likara proceed to the mountain to find the Great Being."
Likara is actually saying two separate sentences and needs appropriate punctuation.From chapter 3 -"Worth a shot," said Likara, with a hint of curiosity in her voice, "who knows what we'll find?"
Just goes to show you that short cuts don't always justify the amount of time saved.They had opted to take a faster, but more dangerous route, in order to return to the Order Headquarters before sunset.
The sentence break should be completed on both sides by a hyphen, instead of a comma after "armor".His voice dropped to a whisper. "In those days they say the Glatorian didn't just fight for their tribe - a mere color of one's armor, but defended powers and principles greater than us all, and fought for battles that would determine the fate of the universe."
Haha! I love this line!Then the Agori straightened himself and smiled. "Nothing like an dusty old legend to brighten up your day."
It's actually spelled "whoa".Woah, woah, careful!" cried Kyry...
"Tire", not "tyre".His answer came as something quick, sharp and powerful tore through the back wheel of the vehicle, which skidded and ground to a halt as the tyre deflated.
"Years" does not need to be capitalized here.He had heard stories from the Glatorian he had talked to about the Baterra. They were fully mechanical beings, designed by the Great Beings to stop the Core War 100,000 Years ago.
Two sentences in the dialogue and it's rightfully all one paragraph. It should read: "Nice target practice, huh?" said the mysterious Glatorian. "Beginning to think I didn't have it in me anymore. Don't bother with those wolves, son; they're friendly with me." He walked over and petted on of the Iron Wolves on the head. The beast responded cheerily, wagging its tail, as if acknowledging its master. Then his expression turned serious. "Never seen Baterra so far south before, lad. This could mean something dreadful is going to happen. Got time to listen?""Nice target practice, huh?" said the mysterious Glatorian, "beginning to think I no longer had it in me. Don't bother with those wolves, son, they're friendly with me."He walked over and petted on of the Iron Wolves on the head. The beast responded cheerily, wagging its tail, as if acknowledging its master.Then his expression turned serious. "Never seen Baterra so far south before, lad. This could mean something dreadful is going to happen. Got time to listen?"
It still should be "tire", not "tyre".The unknown Glatorian gestured towards the Thornatus, its back tyre deflated and useless.
A few more grammatical errors. Corrected:I've got a nice cave; it's not too far away. You two can sit in for the night and hear a good 'ol story from me.I've got a nice cave, its not too far away, and there you two can sit in for the night and hear a good 'ol story from me.
Corrected:"Nope, don't understand it," said Gresh. "Saw similar writing a year ago when Mata Nui and some friends and I found a big laboratory underground that belonged to the Great Beings. Maybe this place was made by them, too. Why is the writing important?"From chapter 4 -"Nope, don't understand it," said Gresh, "saw similar writing one year ago when I and Mata Nui and some friends found a big laboratory underground that belonged to the Great Beings. Maybe this place was made by them, too. Why is the writing important?"
(Sorry, the whole paragraph was too big to quote) This is a really inventive way of looking at the Great Beings. It has a sort of Asguardian feel - they're not people like us, but most of them watch out for us and a few visit.Long before the Core War...
Hair?! Up until now, I though this was following a fairly canon story as far as biology goes, but I guess I was wrong.Over the years, his hair had slowly whitened, and his expression had hardened.
Incorrect punctuation and capitalization again. Corrected:The Pedagogue leaned forward. "Listen, Verectorian; this plan won't just change the government, or who the Agori pay taxes to.The Pedagogue leaned forward, "listen, Verectorian, this plan won't just change the government, or who the Agori pay taxes to.
It may just be Verectorian's style, but he sounds very redundant. Corrected:Verectorian remained unswayed. "You dishonor the Code of the Great Beings," he growled. "What you are advocating is a conquering dictatorship."Verectorian remained unswayed. "You dishonor the Code of the Great Beings," he growled, "what you are advocating is an imperialist, conquering, and repressive dictatorship."
Wow, hair and and kids. This is not what I was expecting based on the beginning of the story. Do Glatorian and Matoran have the same family structure?Verectorian sighed, refusing to meet Arkalogus' gaze. He was not married, and it was true that in the event of his death, no one would be left to succeed his clan of Illumus. He had no siblings, and he had no children.
Corrected:"I shall let you live, this time," Verectorian said, turning slowly. "Go back to whatever foul place you came from. I have won.""I shall let you live this time," Verectorian said, turning slowly. "go back to whatever foul place you came from. I have won."
The pistol's safety, not "safeties".From chapter 5 -He turned only to see the Pedagogue, standing, pointing a previously hidden energy pistol at his face, its safeties off.
Corrected:"After the battle with Verectorian, the Pedagogue was pretty badly wounded," replied Surel. "No one knows what happened to him. All I have to go on is rumors, y'know?"After the battle with Verectorian, the Pedagogue was mortally and severely wounded," replied Surel, "no one knows what happened to him, all I have is rumors, y'know?
Corrected:Kyry turned and whispered to him, "We have to return to Fortitude and find Gresh and Likara before it's too late!"Kyry turned over and whispered to him, "we have to return to the village of Fortitude to find Gresh and Likara before its too late!"
Corrected:"What about the Pedagogue's armies?" asked Synheith, prodding further. "Are they in a position to do much harm?""What about the Pedagogue's armies?" asked Synheith, prodding further, "are they in a position to do much harm?
This gets a little confusing towards the end; I had to read it twice to understand that Verectorian had succeeded, not the Pedagogue. (Great name for him, by the way) One way to fix this - and the capitalization and punctuation - would be:Surel stared into space for a while, then firmly concluded, "No. His original armies of sentient Baterra were mostly expelled onto Bara Magna's two moons, after that Shattering thing. And if your Mata Nui robot is back, it means that Verectorian succeeded in his mission to destroy the armies."Surel stared into space for a while, then firmly concluded, "no. His original armies of sentient Baterra were mostly expelled onto Bara Magna's two moons, after that Shattering thing, and if your Mata Nui robot is back, it means that he succeeded in his mission to destroy the armies."
Corrected:"I fought for Verectorian, and was there at his last battle," Surel's voice lowered. "Saw his body tumble off the side of the mountain into the canyon, a huge hole through his helmet. Poor chap never saw it coming."And just so you know, "chap" feels a little awkward here, considering that Surel generally speaks American slang. "Guy" might work better."I fought for Verectorian, and was there at his last battle," Surel's voice lowered, "saw his body tumble off the side of the mountain into the canyon, a huge hole through his helmet. Poor chap never saw it coming."
Corrected:"Whoa, easy; it's just me," said Likara. The Toa of Water was clearly exhausted, and Synheith could tell she was trying hard to maintain the characteristic spunk in her voice. "Where's Gresh? What happened?" asked Synheith, a rare undertone of anxiety seeping into his voice. "Did you find the coffin?" Likara nodded and lowered her head. "We found a sarcophagus, hidden deep in one of the mountain caves. Some guy in dark armor was inside; he looked dead. Gresh touched the guy's arm and there was a flash of light. When my eyes stopped seeing white dots, Gresh was on the floor out cold, and the dead guy was standing in front of me, staring at me with these cold, hollow eyes. Then he pressed something on his gauntlet, light flashed again and he vanished.""Woah, easy, its just me," said Likara. The Toa of Water was clearly exhausted, and Synheith could tell she was trying hard to maintain the characteristic spunk in her voice. "Where's Gresh? What happened?" asked Synheith, a rare undertone of anxiety seeping into his voice, "did you find the coffin?" Likara nodded and lowered her head, "we found a sarcophagus, hidden deep in one of the mountain caves. Some being in dark armor was inside, seemingly dead. Gresh touched the being's arm, then there was a flash of light, and after my vision cleared he lay prone on the ground, and the being was standing straight in front of me, staring at me with these cold, hollow, eyes. Then there was another flash of light, as the being in black armor pressed something on his gauntlet, and he vanished."
Corrected:"Ah, my old friend Verectorian," the black armored being said, as if to empty air. "Even in death, it looks like some people still respect the virtues of your family. I will make sure those people are no more." From chapter 6 -"Ah, my old friend Verectorian," the black armored being said, as if to empty air, "even in death, it looks like some people still respect the virtues of your family. I will make sure those people are no more."
Corrected:"Quiet, Agori," replied Synheith coldly. "Unless you want me to crash into the next boulder.""Can you two stop squabbling?" appealed Likara. "We need to get Gresh back to the Matoran City and warn them, before the Pedagogue decides to act!" "Looks like he already has.""Quiet, Agori," replied Synheith coldly, "unless you want me to crash into the next boulder.""Can you two stop squabbling," appealed Likara, "we need to get Gresh back to the Matoran City, and warn them, before the Pedagogue decides to act!" "Looks like he already has"
Corrected:"You're someone from the time before time, aren't you?" she said, cautiously. "Before the Core War, before Glatorian civilization."From chapter 7 -"You're someone from the time before time, aren't you?" she said, cautiously, "before the Core War, long before Glatorian Civilization"
Corrected:"Are you hurt?" Likara asked softly. "Who took you out?""Are you hurt?" Likara asked softly, "who took you out?"
This paragraph tell me nothing I didn't already know based on Synheith's previous deductions. It's not really necessary to do a recap here.So you are linked to the Pedagogue, thought Synheith, and I am now more convinced than ever that the Decryption Crystal is linked to his plan of world domination. You practically gave it all away when you said it would help you "bring the world to its knees", the day I met you on Destral.
Corrected:"Tobduk, we need to bring you up to speed on a few things," said Synheith. "But before that, I need to ask you; what is the Decryption Crystal? And what is it for? I have a feeling it might be linked to what the Baterra are after." He wasn't sure, at this moment, if he was putting his own selfish desire for knowledge in front of the security of the entire Matoran City, or if it was in reality the other way around."Tobduk, we need to bring you up to speed on a few things," said Synheith, "but before that, I need to ask you - what is the Decryption Crystal? And what is it for? I have a feeling it might be linked to what the Baterra are after."He wasn't sure, at this moment, if he was putting his own selfish desire for knowledge in front of the security of the entire Matoran City, or if it was in reality the other way around.
Corrected:"You do know what its for." Synheith started speaking in a more hurried tone. "You sent me to Destral to look for it!""You do know what its for," Synheith started speaking in a more hurried tone, "you sent me to Destral to look for it!"
Since Verectorian is long since dead, this should read as past tense:Verectorian seems to have had a complex mind, mused Synheith.Verectorian seems to have a complex mind, mused Synheith.
Corrected:"A nice story, Toa," he said in his usual confident tone. "If it's true, then it looks like the Pedagogue is back, and he's made the first move.""A nice story, Toa," he said in his usual confident tone, "if its true, then it looks like the Pedagogue is back, and he's made the first move."
Really good mental imagery here - it must be a new thing for a Makuta to feel helpless!From chapter 8 -Treperath didn't hear those words as much as he felt them, resounding through his mind. Whoever was giving him this vision didn't just have the power to engulf a Makuta in a convincing illusion, but had the power to enter his thoughts, too.
Corrected:"What could they possibly want in our basement?" Tobduk questioned. "And, come to think of it, what do they want here?"What could they possibly want in our basement?" Tobduk questioned, "and, come to think of it, what do they want here?
Corrected:"Put the Toa down and hand us the Crystal," said Tobduk slowly, as if giving instructions to a child. "We have you outgunned. Or would you prefer to experience what I did to your old friend Tridax?""Put the Toa down and hand us the Crystal," said Tobduk slowly, as if giving instructions to a child, "we have you outgunned. Or would you prefer to experience what I did to your old friend Tridax?"
All of these have the comma-instead-of-period problem that I've brought up a couple times now.From chapter 10 -"Guys, this is serious," Likara said, "Kyry, why are you here?" "I want to join you," Kyry said, his voice cautious, "the Makuta, with his Rahkshi destroyed my village, Fortitude. I want to him get his payback." "This isn't the time!" Likara exclaimed, "we're on a high-priority task that Tobduk needs us to complete! You're just an Agori, and we can't have you along. Just because you spent a night in a desert cave listening to Surel doesn't make you qualified to come!"
Again, there should be a period after "casually". Since this is a problem that turns up pretty consistently, you should watch out for it. Aside from that, this has a philosophical turn that I love, especially considering that most of the story up until this point has been action.Am I a star, then? he wondered casually, do I exist on my own, in this unfair boundless world, a singularity among many others, free of any true burdens or responsibilities? Am I free to pursue my own ends, regardless of whether it fulfills the tenets of Unity, Duty and Destiny?
An excellent question. Why indeed?Overall, I'd say you have a good idea here, but your form clouds that good story. The adventures of this new world, your enginuity with the society of the Great Beings and your witty quips all suffer from a few minor grammatical errors. You have good narration and scenery, but the characters sometimes fall short. My advice is to keep working on your dialogue and really flesh out your protagonists more. Of course, if you have actually made it this far in a review that takes over 5,000 words, you have proven beyond a doubt that you are dedicated enough to turn this into the polished story it deserves to be.-HH"Why serve the virtues of Mata Nui when Mata Nui is no more?" -
Assigned to our resident flatterer, Cederak.Hi, I would like my epic to be reviewed as well. Though I know there will be a lot of critisim. 1) Epic Title: A Hero Rises 2) Review Topic 3) Currently 2 Chapters (if you count the prologue) The review is due by January 25th, but will probably be turned in long before that. Thanks for coming to the ECC, Forgotten!-HH
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Congratulations to our newest critic, The Wretched Automaton!-HH
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The review of The Dystopian Island is posted.-HH
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ECC Charity Review of The Dystopian Island
Lord Koji,This is a really mixed bag you've given me. On the one hand, I've heard this plotline a hundred times before; an island under siege in stages by an evil villainess who controls mindless minions, and a group of heroes who all have tragic backstories. For that, and for the style it's written in, I feel inclined to dislike the epic. But at the same time, you have scattered moments where I can see you could be so much better. And for that, I'm inclined to write a very long review trying to cover as many subjects and moments as possible, so you can live up to that potential.Just as a side note, I really like that you put in links wherever there was something that had been explained in the chapter on the old forums. Good thinking.So, if you're ready, let the long review commence! (Seriously, it's so long, I couldn't use bbc code for quotes)From chapter 9Dai rested the tip of his sword at the back of the figure’s neck, “If you encounter the Toa of Earth, Agri, you had better not touch him.He’s mine.” Dai hissed, “He’s my student.”This is an incorrect paragraph break, a frequent problem within your writing, but since all your other paragraphs are spaced by a clear line, I think this may just be a typo.From chapter 9“You have your free will, do you not?” She questioned.“I am not bound to your Kanohi Zeyat.” He confirmed.“Just wondering.” Bandiaca said, “Fine; go.” When a character is speaking and you end the quotation marks, that doesn't mean the sentence is over. So this section should read -“You have your free will, do you not?” she questioned.“I am not bound to your Kanohi Zeyat," he confirmed.“Just wondering,” Bandiaca said. “Fine; go."Notice that where you had periods in the dialogue, I have changed them to commas and switched some commas to periods. The question mark, however, stays because it is the only way to denote a question.From chapter 9 The figure rose, “I will bring you the Toa of Fire’s head.” He said, lifting his heavily modified arms. Both of them ended in mechanical ends from the elbow up. They were blocky and clearly mechanical, with various blades emerging. The bottom of the left arm had a blade, while the right had a dagger. There was a curved blade coming out of the outer side on each, as well as a normal blade next to it. He had small mechanical fingers for manipulating objects and the like, but they were mostly covered by the mechanical bulkiness of his weapon arms.He had two black wings on each leg, pointed down. He had a flat, black chest that appeared to have a shine to it, as well as a black Kanohi or helmet ended in teeth or fangs. This is an excessively wordy and redundant description, has the incorrect punctuation in dialogue as aforementioned and it's also an incorrect paragraph break. One way to rewrite it would be -The figure rose. “I will bring you the Toa of Fire’s head,” he said, lifting his heavily modified arms. Both of them appeared to be mechanical from the elbow up. There was a curved blade coming out of the outer side on each, as well as a straight blade next to it. He had opposable fingers for manipulating objects and the like, but they were mostly camouflaged by the bulkiness of his weapons. On his legs, black wings curved downwards. He had a flat, black chestplate, and a black Kanohi - or helmet - that ended in large fangs.From chapter 9 “No; mine.” The black figure said, “The black one is a better swordsman, as far as Dai could tell. Fight him. You don’t even have to fight them; I only need you to stop the others if they come. If. I just need to eliminate the Toa of Fire.” Again, the incorrect dialogue punctuation. Also, this seems like an odd strategy. Kill just the leader and all of a sudden, the other Toa are completely helpless?From chapter 9 “Did I?” Hoji questioned, spinning around. He crumpled to a single knee from the wound across his chest. Hyak turned, laughing at him. The description is very confusing in this part - I had to read it twice before I figured out what you meant. You could say it several different ways: "He fell to one knee in pain", "The pain of his chest wound made him fall to one knee", "The chest wound he had received was too painful to keep standing - he fell to one knee"... Well, you get the idea. The point is, just because a word sounds sophisticated doesn't make it a good fit for the sentence. I always recommend saying your dialogue out loud, to see if it feels natural, but you might want to do that for some of your descriptions, too.From chapter 9 He blocked the blade with the folded blade of his weapon, twisted his firearm, and opened fire on Hyak’s chest, causing him to stumble back from all of the continuous blows. Most writers lean towards either wordiness or extreme brevity - you and I are in the former group. Try to cut your sentences down to what they need to say, then add in a little flourish. For example, "all of" is not necessary in the sentence; it flows better to just say "... Causing him to stumble back from the continuous blows".From chapter 9 They looked each other in the eyes. Hoji pushed on his weapon, sending Hyak a few steps back. He span around, delivering a spinning kick to Hyak’s chest.- emphasis addedThis is a recurring problem. Almost everywhere that you mean to put "spun", you have the word "span".From chapter 9 “Making me fight this way.” Hoji said, bringing the blade out again. He ran forward and ducked the two swings of Hyak’s weapons. He plunged the tip of his weapon into Hyak’s chest, applying all of the force and power he could into it.He shouted, shoving even harder. Hyak started to lose his footing as he was pushed back from the overwhelming force being applied. First, this should all be one paragraph. And since that is also a recurring problem, let's stop for a second to talk about it. Generally, a paragraph should be four to six sentences long. The reason those sentences are grouped together is because they all have a common theme or idea. These two paragraphs are both about the same fight; in fact, they are almost about the same moment in that fight. Therefore, they belong together.From chapter 9 Hoji ignored him and continued talking, “You aren’t the man you used to be." .This is another recurring point. You refer to characters as "men" and "women" at many points in your story. Since this is not a canon epic, you can make your own call about this, but as they are biomechanical creatures, not humans, the words "man", "woman", "child", etc. are all meaningless to BIONICLES.From chapter 9 Hyak said nothing, made no sounds. As his body slammed into the sloping wall, all Hoji heard was a crunch sound as his body was smashed. Hoji released his semi-sentient weapon and let it go. He ran towards Hyak’s falling remains, watching as rocks came down as well, burying them. Corrected -Hyak made no sound as his body slammed into the sloping wall. All that Hoji heard was a solid "crunch" as his former friend's body was smashed into shards. Half in shock, the Toa of Fire released his semi-sentient weapon. He ran towards Hyak’s falling remains, watching as rocks came down, burying him under a pile of debris.From chapter 9 But sitting almost atop the wreckage was something in an odd whitish color. He crouched down and picked it up, pulling it free.It was elongated, almost like the hilt of a sword. That was the way Hoji saw it. He held it as such, feeling odd carvings on the body of it. Corrected -But sitting almost atop the wreckage was a strange, whitish object. He crouched down amid the rubble and pulled it free. It was elongated, almost like the hilt of a sword. He held it as such, feeling odd carvings on the body of it.From chapter 10 A grim smile came to her face, “I have a plan.” The description/narration is awkward here. A smile can't come anywhere; it has no free will or life. I think what you mean is that a smile crept over her face.From Chapter 10 As he was walking among the trees, collecting leaves, turning them all over, looking for the best looking ones – even though nobody actually could see any details on the leaves, or anything – for the sake of his vanity, for the sake of his personality and desire to keep a good appearance, he heard something. He span around, watching as something dark came through the trees. This is one of the longest run-on sentences in the entire epic. The sentences breaks are a good idea, but not well executed. Try to find the end of a thought and let the sentence stop there.Corrected - As he was walking among the trees, collecting leaves, turning them over, looking for the best ones – even though nobody actually could see any details on the leaves, his vanity demanded such attention to the little things – he heard something. He spun around, watching as something dark came through the trees.From chapter 10 The thing didn’t speak. It was a machine, that was obvious.A floating black machine. It had a clawed bottom that helped it to float somehow. It had a winged section over its chest, while similar wings were on the claws on its back. It had a thin waist with a wide chest at the top, and had large armored portions on its arms.It had fairly thick arms, with segments shooting down like tubes on each arm, but only one per arm. Instead of hands, it had large shield-like portions that could have also been blades. For a head it had a large black section with more wings coming off of the back, and two crimson eyes that came off like separate offshoots.“So, you don’t talk.” Magis said, lifting his weapon. He leapt forward, kicked off of a tree, and leapt at the machine from the side, swinging his weapon in. The sentence "A floating black machine" is incomplete - every sentence must have both a subject (a noun) and an action (a verb). A floating black machine.... What? Now, I do want to point out that using an incomplete sentence is sometimes okay or even necessary in dialogue, because that's how people speak. But it should never occur in narration.Also, the first three sections should be all one paragraph, and it has the overly-wordy descriptions we discussed above.From chapter 10 He could feel things going off inside of his new body, and things like that, but couldn’t figure out what any of it meant. He couldn’t tell if any of it had to do with the mind swapping, or if they were just normal things in his new body that were needed. There are a few phrases that should never be used in third person narration. And one of them is "stuff like that". This is an abstract, slang saying that tells the reader nothing. One of the possible ways to rewrite this is -He could feel things shifting and turning on and off inside of his new body, but he couldn’t figure out what any of it meant. He didn't know if any of it had to do with the mind swap, or if these were just the normal things that his new form did.From chapter 11 “What is this warrior?” Cesare questioned.“Not a warrior, per say.” Bandiaca replied, “A beast.”“Beast?”“A beast, yes.” She replied.He gave a small smile, “I fought a beastly warrior once, on Recla Nui.” He said, “Is that what you’re referring to? A beast warrior? Or an actual beast?”“An actual beast.” She replied. This is a prime example of awkward character interaction, which seems to happen with some frequency. Bandiaca has clearly stated that she will give Cesare a beast to work with, but he questions the meaning of her obvious statement for two more sentences. If someone told you you were getting a beast to work with, you wouldn't try to super-clarify everything. Think of how you interact with people face to face when writing dialogue. Use phrases or slang that your friends say (tweaked for BIO, of course). Consider each character's motive and thought process as you read the conversation. All of a sudden, you'll find yourself thinking, "Oh, well of course she'll say this" or "pretty obvious what he's going to do". If you can make your characters real people in your head, then your readers will believe they are real, too.From chapter 11 Hoji span around with a shout. From atop the temple came a beast. A black hound-like being. First, once again, it should be spun, not span. I'm starting to think that might be a problem with your auto-correct, since I haven't found any other obvious misspellings.Second, the two last sentences are really one sentence. The only reason for a dramatic pause is when a character is describing something. Third person narration should be elegant and flowing, not jerky and disorienting. Always try to create a description that sounds like it flows.From chapter 15 He didn’t look opposing, but he was one of the most dangerous of Bandiaca’s warriors. One of the very few misspellings or typos; I think you mean to say "he didn't look very imposing".From chapter 15 “I can try.” Hoji hissed, swaying to his feet despite the pain, “I am the leader of the Toa Cyril! I am supposed to lead us to your defeat! I will see to it that you lose!” Corrected -"I can try,” Hoji hissed, getting to his feet despite the pain. “I am the leader of the Toa Cyril! I am destined to lead us to victory! I will see to it that you lose!”Since most of the above are repeating problems, I'm not going to showcase every instance of their occurrence. Just be aware that these problems exist and will be fairly easy to spot once you know what you're looking for. In figuring out ways to fix them, you'll be forcing yourself to a higher level of writing.For the rest of the review, I want to focus on the plot and the characters. I've taken a few excerpts that best showcase the highlights and low points of your story.From chapter 9 “For what purpose?” ‘'Forte'’ demanded. Okay, I have to ask - why is Forte's name French and always in quotation marks? Again, it feels very much like a graphic novel to me.From chapter 9 “I know.” Hyak replied, “But our friendship is in the way.”“Of what?”“My gaining power.” He said, “I’m a Kabarn. A greedy man who wants treasures. You stand in the way of my greed. I desire your head!”“That doesn’t make sense.” Hoji hissed.“Of course it does. I have my free will, so I can detest you for not saving me.” He looked at his arms, “They ripped my arms off for what they thought I did.” He hissed, “Fortunately, my brethren were more than capable of helping me. I became an effective treasure hunter, by the way.” Stop for just a minute and say these lines to a friend, Koji. No real person would ever say, "I'm doing this because I'm evil". If they're real friends (and they clearly were, based on earlier chapters), then Hyak's species and even getting his arms ripped off are not sufficient excuses for wanting his best friend's head on a plate. The character evolution from best friend to arch nemesis is not impossible, but it is simply not explained enough here. We, the readers, see no real reasons for Hyak to turn. Hoji is right: it doesn't make sense.From chapter 9 “I have more blades!” Hyak shouted, slamming his left arm forward, getting ready to run Hoji through. Seriously? He sounds like a four-year-old. "My dinosaur is bigger than yours!" Hyak as a character feels very undefined; he needs to be more grounded in reality, rather than whatever soap opera he stepped out of.From chapter 9 “Hyak…I’ll have no qualms about ending your life. Not anymore.” Hoji hissed. Wow, his attitude changed quickly. I suppose he's caught up in the heat of the fight, but even so, he's a Toa. Not only that, but a highly experienced Toa. I feel like he shouldn't give in to hate so easily.From chapter 10 Hoji threw his right arm forward, snapping his fingers, “The burning heart of passion! Toa Hoji!” Of all the things that make this epic read like a comic book, this is front and center. Yes, this even beat out the chant of "Cyril Buster" in chapter 11. A role call every time they get into a fight? Try have a wrestling match sometime and do a roll call while your opponent is charging at you. You'll find it's a severe handicap. A battle cry would be fine here, given by one Toa, or even a single phrase they all repeat. But the complete roll call every single time is simply too much.From chapter 11 “One of my other warriors?” Bandiaca questioned, “What for?”“I’m not going to reveal my plans.” Cesare said, “Just send someone, if you would.”“Fine.” She said, “But who? What type of warrior?”“It doesn’t matter. Someone who can afford to be killed by the Toa Cyril.” Cesare replied. Bandiaca is a real pushover, for an evil witch control freak. This strange Toa barges in the door on a private meeting and she just gives him what he demands without wanting to find out what his plan is?! She never considers the possibility that he could be a spy sent by the Toa Cyril? She doesn't even want to know his plan before wasting one of her minions on it? I'm sorry; she is becoming less and less realistic and believable.From chapter 11 “Does it honestly matter?” Magis asked. This was the first time he had actually spoken to the team since the incident with Kyuu the previous day. He had kept to himself and been in isolation for the most part since the forced body switch with the machine, when the machine, in his body, had destroyed some trees, and he had been forced to wound his own beautiful body. Okay, I understand that you want to emphasize Magis' vanity, but no Toa can afford to be so vain that they don't want to get injured for fear of damaging their beauty. They would simply never head into a fight, if such were the case. Why risk a scratch, if you're that worried about perfection? This is just a step too far in trying to showcase the Toa of Air's character flaw.From chapter 11 He slashed them across the blade one at a time. A voice rang out from his weapon, signaling each swipe. After each swipe, the object vanished, returning to light and hitting his guard, as if returning.“Lightning”“Mach”“Kick” This is one of the strangest weapons I've ever heard of. I hope it gets some more spotlight and a longer description, because currently, I am confused. At best, all I can guess is that it has voodoo-doll-like powers.From chapter 12 “I do want you to fight.” ‘Forte’ replied, “Nin, you are a fast warrior. I’m sure you can get out there and kill the Toa Cyril for us before they can react fast enough.” Forte is proven right very quickly; Nin manages to find opportunity to kill each and every Toa except Rei by sundown. Except, she chooses to spare them almost subconsciously because she did not receive her orders directly from Bandiaca. This is such a horrible case of deus ex machina. If she's such a great warrior, why wasn't she Bandiaca's first choice? If she has more people like Nin just lying around, why does she bother sending in a bunch of robots and inferior minons to take Cyril Nui? Nin's appearance and sparing of the Toa is way too convenient, and it doesn't advance the plot in any way at all, except to show that Rei is fast. Come on, Koji; you're clever enough to think of a better way to showcase that.From chapter 13 Arguably the most powerful warrior of Bandiaca’s, even over ‘Forte’ himself, who acted as Bandiaca’s bodyguard and right hand, or former right hand, now that Cesare had taken that position. Putting aside the fact that this really belongs with the previous paragraph and not on it's own, this brings up a good point. Twenty-four hours after he walks onboard her ship, when Bandiaca knows absolutely nothing about his past, his motives, or how he knows so much of her plans, Cesare is her right hand. Sorry, suspension of belief only goes so far.From chapter 13 “I’m sorry, I forgot the new terms.” He replied, “Well then, should Cesare go? I don’t like the idea of giving the Toa any breather room.” Bandiaca nodded, “Yes, you’re quite right, ‘Forte’. Cesare, I want you to go and eliminate the Toa.” Honestly, has she given any strategic thought as to how to take the island? She seems very lackadaisical about the whole thing, for someone who is dying to control Cyril-Nui. From chapter 13 Mirai nodded, “As you wish, Toa.” “Agri.” Agri said. “Mirai.” Mirai said. Why do they say their own names out of the blue?From chapter 14 “You used the word ‘might’.” Rei pointed out, “Where’s the Hoji that believes we could win any battle? Who always shows confidence in combat? Who leads us to victory?” One of the best lines so far. It has depth and realism; I can picture one of my friends saying something similar. This is how good dialogue sounds.From chapter 15 She [Eri] had told this information to Cesare when they had fought each other. What Cesare was currently doing was almost like what she had done in the past. She had done it for security; so she knew she would have an actual life, even if it was one filled with killing and savagery. Cesare was siding with and fighting for Bandiaca for the sake of getting stronger; the sake of training himself against worthy opponents, such as the Toa Cyril. He was making the same mistakes; the same sins. The simple desire to be strong is not, in my opinion, enough motive to try to kill members of your own species. Cesare needs more depth to his motivation. If he just wants to be strong, have him do pilates.From chapter 15 "This is Geki.” Bandiaca said, “He is arguably my greatest warrior." This description does not have nearly as much punch to it when you introduce a different warrior this same way in almost every chapter. There can only be one greatest; pick one and stick with it.From chapter 16 When he saw Geki transform into Gekisou, Cesare realized that Geki was lost. Surely Bandiaca would realize her control had been defeated, somehow, by using her powers on him. Surely that when her control went out to him now, she would feel her influence was very weak, if existent at all, on him.She never showed realization of anything. As plot twists go, this is a decent mystery. You have given us enough information to make us wonder why Bandiaca doesn't seem to realize that her control is weakening, but not enough information to be sure of our guesses. Good job on this.From chapter 18 He ran from the shore. He had to locate the Toa Cyril, explain the situation to them, and warn them that Bandiaca would likely send a more powerful attack soon. He had changed; he had made up his mind, thanks to help from Eri and her words. He was going to join the Toa Cyril, if they would have him. If I were one of the Toa Cyril, that would be a very big "if". Also, just as his motive for trying to kill the Toa was weak and two-dimensional, Cesare's first reaction to a changed heart is irrational. Why in Mata Nui's name would he go to the guys he just tried to kill? These Toa are much more lax about the "no killing" part of the Toa code, and he knows that.From chapter 18 Cesare held his hands up, “You don’t understand! I’m being hunted! Bandiaca is after me, and I’m here to join you Toa!” Magis slashed his weapon, sending a blast of Air to throw Cesare to the ground. He landed next to the downed Toa of Ice, holding his scythe to Cesare’s throat, “Likely story. But you are wounded; I give you points for trying.” Yes! This is an instance of a reasonable reaction - not trusting the guy who tried to kill you and your best friends last week!From chapter 18 “Five Toa destined to rid this island of the accursed witch. We are the Toa Cyril.” He said, but then shook his head, “No. Now, we are six Toa now one, determined to destroy the evils plaguing this island. We are the Toa Cyril!” Cesare nodded and bumped fists with Hoji; now a member of the Toa Cyril. The dialogue is not natural-sounding, but I like the fact that you brought out the good, old-fashioned "six is a complete team" idea.From chapter 20 As the forces of Bandiaca raged unchecked through the streets of Cyril Nui, the Toa Cyril were getting to work. They gathered their weaponry, mounted on their Anverius X3 vehicles – with Cesare riding with Eri – and headed off into the battle. The huge battle scene right at the end is overused and again, gives the story a comic book feel.From chapter 20 ‘Forte’’s body drifted in the ocean, damaged, unconscious. The body disappeared beneath the waves, with bubbles rising around his body as it was sucked down into the depths. And right at the end is what I consider the best description you give throughout the whole 20 chapters! The sentences have flow and purpose; they are concise, but elegant. Taking out "with" is the only thing I recommend on this paragrah.In summation, this story would by much better told in a comic book (or possibly an anime). The plot is mostly predictable, the characters are very two-dimensional, and the narration is wordy. In the bright side, you do have some moments that show you could do much better, and your spelling is almost impeccable. Keep working to improve on your weaknesses and shore up your strengths.-HH
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Welcome to the Epic Critics Club!
This topic is the special place for epic authors here on BZPower to have their work read, reviewed, and critiqued.
WE ARE CURRENTLY ACCEPTING EPICS
Note: Because of things like holidays or staff absences, we will not always be accepting requests. Check this post to see if we are accepting new requests.NOTICE: Cederak is back! We are currently transitioning the necessary positions internally, but your beloved (somewhat snarky) Head Critic has resumed his seat in the library halls.Guidelines and Regulations for Writers
1.) Only one of your epics will be reviewed at a time. We will make every attempt to read through your work as quickly and thoroughly as possible, but for the sake of fairness, other authors will be on our agenda as well.2.) An epic will be reviewed one time by the ECC. However, because many of the reviews we do are for in-progress epics, if you believe a substantial amount of work has gone into your epic since its first ECC review, PM me to ask for a second. In your appeal, simply describe why you think you have done enough to garner another review and you will be notified of our decision.(Note that ECC critics are exempt from this rule.)3.) Requests for a review will be in a standard format. What you say within that form is your choice, but it must contain the format* if you expect a review.4.) Questions, comments, and general concerns should be sent directly to my PM box where I can handle them personally. Any complaints about a critic's review of your work go to Eponine. Please do not, however, PM me with a review request - I'll just direct you to this topic.5.) You cannot request a particular critic to review your work. That is a matter best left to PMing them directly. And even then, it's their call to say whether they have the time or not.6.) Be polite. We are kind enough to offer to help you grow as a writer - it seems only reasonable that we receive a degree of respect for our efforts. I am holding everyone to a high level of maturity on this matter.7.) Each request will receive a Tier Designation. Tier 1 requests are from writers, Tier 2 requests are appeals, and Tier 3 requests are from critics. A request's Tier Designation number also determines the number of weeks a critic has to complete the assignment.8. We will accept requests to review COT epics, but they are not included in the charity review cycles.*The following is the Review Request Format I mentioned earlier. Your post will contain the three listed requirements. If it does not, I will disregard your request.1.) Story name and link2.) Review topic link3.) Number of chaptersThis concludes the author-based portion of my post. The Epic Critics Club is looking forward to reading your work and assisting you in becoming a stronger writer. Reading on will allow you to learn more about our critic staff and the requisites for becoming a critic yourself.Q.) You want to become a critic? (NOT CURRENTLY ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS)A.) That's fantastic! A selfless volunteering service is always excellent news. Regrettably, we cannot accept every hopeful out there. To ensure quality reviewing among our staff, I simply ask that you fill out the application below and PM it to me under the subject: Critic Resume.Application Form
Username/Nickname: Most of you will prefer your username, I'm sure, but reviewing under a nom de plume is absolutely fine.Why do you want to be a critic? - It doesn't have to be a long reason, but I do need to know.Describe yourself - Outline your personality for me, and tell me a little bit about what you've done around the BZP Library.After you send me this basic application, I will respond with an excerpt of work from one of the ECC members that you will critique. Your critique will be a major deciding factor in whether or not you are accepted.Staff Bios
Cederak: ECC Director, MentorAbout Me: I'm a fairly sarcastic person at times, something I distance myself from when I need to be serious. I am particular according to some, but I think I just know what I like. And what I like are nice things. ...And there begins the sarcasm.On Critiquing: I'm looking for flow. Spelling errors are quick fixes, but grammar can outright ruin the flow to a story and break immersion for the reader. I try to be helpful though, and I'm constantly looking for alternative ways for a writer to express what they want to say.Velox: ECC Co-Director, Human Resource Management, Intern TrainerAbout Me: I am currently the Curator of the Short Stories Critics Club and a Forum Assistant here on the forums, Previously I have held the positions of Curator of the Comedies Critics Club and Co-Curator of the Epics Critics Club. Unfortunately, my time is very limited nowadays, and as such I am not able to be a critic here at this time -- I will, however, be helping out on the administrative side of things, so feel free to PM me with any questions. I enjoy reading, writing, and a bunch of other things -- take a look at my blog, profile, or staff bio on the main page if you want to know more about me.On Critiquing: Probably the main thing I look for is proper grammar/spelling, along with awkward-sounding sentences and the like. I'm a big fan of characterization, great plots, and a good flow of writing, and so I try to comment on those as well. Basically when I review something I'm just trying to find every single thing I dislike -- even if only slightly -- in order to help writers become the best they can be. Because let's face it: we can all always get better.Steelsheen: ECC Lieutenant, Public Relations CoordinatorAbout Me: I read classic books from two centuries ago and spout off obscure facts that no one really cares about. I peruse my old science text books for fun and don't spend enough time outdoors. I suppose you could categorize me as a card-carrying geek, but that's okay. Geeks are cool.On Critiquing: I'm looking for the spirit of your work, the ideas you're attempting to flesh out on paper. If you have a story worth telling, there's going to be a way to make it a good one. Characters, personality, and plots are what's important to me. While grammar is definitely important, it's also something that can always be fixed later. But trust me, spell check is not evil. Eponine: ECC Internal AffairsAbout Me: Well, let's see... I have a soft spot for ducklings and cheesecake brownies. But that's not exactly relevant. Okay, so I've been writing in the Bionicle fandom since sixth grade, and let me just say, I am not proud of my first attempts of an epic. That being said, you will have to write something truly atrocious to faze me. Back in the day, before I joined BZP, I was more of the "Yay, nice story, update soon, keep up the good work *smiley face* " type. But really, what help is that? I've had enough of those types of reviews in my past to make me barf. So don't worry about shallow reviews (though you might still see a smiley face or two )On Critiquing: Okay, you got me. I confess, if I see a story that takes up a gazillion pages (and a gazillion hours to read), yes I'm intimidated. The only way I'll keep reading is if the story is gripping from the start and has enough flow to keep me reading through and wanting more. But reviewing as part of the ECC, ditching the story if I lose interest isn't a choice. So what I look for is flow, character development, intrigue, and plot advancement, outside of the usual spelling/grammar etc. What really makes a good story is an author who knows just how to guide their readers through their imagination and make them see things their way. Give me an all around good story, you'll get a good review, but give me a story that needs work, you'll get an even better review.TNTOS: ECC Charity Review CoordinatorAbout Me: I've been writing BIONICLE fanfiction on BZP almost since the day I first joined, so I think I have a bit of experience when it comes to writing. Because I wish to be a novelist someday, I am always looking for ways to become a better writer myself.On Critiquing: I will basically point out anything I think is a flaw, but I primarily focus on character and plot. Another major thing I look at is point of view (POV) and consistency with the POV of your story. Dialogue is another aspect I focus on, too.GSR: ECC Review LibrarianAbout Me: Occasionally I sit down, lay my head on the keyboard, and then sort of roll it back and forth for a while before running spellcheck. I've been informed that this is apparently called "writing". In any event, it's quite fun. I have joined the ECC to help others master the art of smashing letters onto a page and then passing it off as meaningful. On Critiquing: Solid prose and wordplay is a huge, huge plus - a good story should never make you feel like you're working to get through a paragraph. If your story is clunky or just doesn't gel for some reason, I'll probably pick up on that. That isn't to say plot and characters and the like are unimportant; you can write some very fancy, enjoyable-to-read descriptions, but without a strong plot or character or something to back them up you're not writing a story, you're writing advertising copy. As for orthography, I'm not really the kind of guy to track down every single spelling or grammar slip-up - instead, I'll try to ID patterns in any mistakes I see and let you know about those. Furthermore, I do try to provide examples and reasoning for my critiques so you can have a good starting point for addressing them in the future. And if I seem harsh, just remember - I critique because I care.Nick Silverpen: ECC CriticAbout Me: Once in a blue moon poster, I'm always browsing, seeing what's going on in these forums. A member of these forums for almost 9 years, I've not been the most active, but I've always been into writing, but I tend to plan my writing more than I actually write. A writer betters himself by reading, and I feel like I should get to know the other authors of the forums.On Critiquing: I like to look for flow. I'm looking for a good story, one i can roll around in my head. A page turner. While I say I like to see stories on a consistent posting schedule, I don't do what I preach- whenever a writer can get something written in the time that they have is good. Keeps the reader waiting anxiously. Style is a biggie that I look at; whether you're long and descriptive, or short and quick, or even somewhere in the between, I like to see the perspectives people have on storytelling. Grammar is good, but not overly important. Vocab is helpful, but over fluffing it is unnecessary.The Affably Evil Automaton: ECC CriticAbout Me: Cynical, snarky Brit by day. Cynical, snarky Brit by night. Basically I guess I'm an all-around sarcastic bloke. You'll generally find me roaming around the BZP blogs and CoT, along with the library from time to time. Once in a blue moon you may even see me updating my own epic or posting a short story, though I wouldn't get your hopes up.On Critiquing: What I enjoy looking at is how writers use their characters to affect the tone of the narrative. When reviewing I put the most focus on the story, as thats what the writers trying to get across in the first place, though I do help as and when I can with grammar and spelling. I find it easiest to evaluate what the writer has done best and then see how it can be applied to any areas that I feel might need improving.Critic Rules
All critics will be held to the following rules. If you feel a critic has overstepped one of these boundaries, please PM Eponine and action will be taken accordingly.1.) Your reviews will be constructive. This is open to interpretation, but if I am alerted that your criticism was entirely negative in scope with nothing to offer, Velox and I will work to correct the issue and PM you regarding it.2.) Post in this topic once you have finished reviewing an epic. Including a direct link to your review post is appreciated, though optional.3.) Any information on changes, new hires, or departures will be shared with all critics. I want to keep you in the loop as much as possible.4.) Termination is a possibility. I'd like for everyone who leaves to do so of their own accord, but termination will be on the table if a critic has a history of problematic behaviors.5.) Being a critic means being available. If you are busy, tell me. If I never hear from you, I don't know your situation and termination may become a possibility.6.) Be the model of maturity. I want this club to be fun, yes, but it is intended to help other people. I'm trusting you to act your age.7.) If you are a critic assigned to review an epic by a fellow member of the ECC, you will have 3 weeks to complete the task. A request placed by a critic to the ECC will be treated like any other - with professionalism.Once again, welcome to the Epic Critics Club! Best wishes to all writers and a big thank you to the critics!-Steelsheen (ECC Lieutenant)Previous Clubs
Epic Critics Club 6 - Leader: Cederak (October 21, 2011 - September 29, 2012)Epic Critics Club 5 - Leader: Alena Spirit of Hyperness (March 9, 2011 - April 24, 2011)Epic Critics Club 4 - Leader: (July 31, 2010 - February 15, 2011)Epic Critics Club 3 - Leader: (May 5, 2007 - July 31, 2010)Epic Critics Club 2 - Leader: Twenty-Two (July 27, 2006 - May 5, 2007)Epic Critics Club 1 - Leader: Sws4 (May 6, 2006 - July 27, 2006)Request Agenda
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Thanks! Characters being the backbone of this particular SS, I'm very pleased you connected with them. No one was exactly supposed to be "the bad guy" (or girl); it was about familial love or a lack of it. And yes, I didn't want to end it in a sad way, so I'm glad it has a little hope right at the end. It's really more of a vignette than a story, so moods and characters were what I tried to focus on over descriptions and backstory.I read this the other day, but I'm glad I was able to get a chance to look over it again. First I'm just going to say that the plot for me, isn't anything new. It's done well, but it's not something that's really that original. But, that's a good thing, I'm going to get to that in a minute. The settings and descriptions are nice, and I love the small things such as Lacey licking the spoon, and how she talks about her bedroom being small. The thing is, concerning the plot and surroundings, you didn't place a ton of detail into them. HOWEVER you gave just enough of a realistic feel for the reader to picture something in their own life to relate to. And really, that's what this story did for me. The story was so familiar, in little ways about people I may know, or people I know who know about people like Lacy and April and Josh. Not to say my family's like this one... But it was the little things that the characters said and how they thought that really touched me and felt very realistic. It's all ambiguous in plot and surroundings, which adds to that well.So, what I'm trying to say is that I really really want to praise the characters here. I think some of the dialogue is a little heavy on the drama at times, but man, the relationship between Josh and April, was just so spot on for the type of relationship they had. I really enjoyed the part where he's telling Lacey why he doesn't fight back any more, because no matter how much that must tear at him, I can see how he would calm himself for his daughter. I also really liked Lacey and felt some sympathy for her. You're not sure at the end just how badly she has gotten herself into trouble, whether the mom was overreacting or not, but it's more the point that she has in some way and whether or not she's going to confess to her dad. I liked the overall message, that a little love goes a long way even if the characters weren't sure how to express it, or have been the wrong way. Even the mom shows real concern for her daughter and though she was antagonistic, I can't consider her a bad mother, just flawed like they all are.Anyway, the story does a great job because as I said, it's just realistic in its reasoning. I liked it a lot. Great CoT story, and can I say I'm impressed this story wasn't horribly depressing and ended on hopeful ending? Awesome job!
Yay!This is an SSCC Charity review of Lay It Down by Hahli Historian (review by Proud Stigma).In terms of spelling, grammar, and general flow I encountered no problems.
I think it is a subconscious stab, because while I didn't write it with that message in mind (again, think vignette, not story) I can see how it does sort of have that tone. I have several family members who are divorced, have children, etc., and it breaks my heart to see the kids end up with the parent who can't or won't do the best job of raising them.Now when it comes to your story, it does something that I like with the wife. She has self-serving bias, bigtime, with her refusal to accept that she could possibly be at fault. I say that because I know what it is like to deal with someone like that, where despite everything they insist it is "your problem" or "your fault" or how circular arguments somehow "don't apply" to them. This is good because that experience allows me to empathize with the male protagonist and what he goes through with the mother.But what I like more is the character of the daughter, who notices and agrees with the fathers complaints. But most of all it is that she knows that her father does not believe all she has been accused of and she does not want to abuse this. Even though it will disappoint him and she may be punished, she feels that being honest with him is more important then preserving a good lie, and at least in the way that concept is portrayed here, it is sweet to watch it play out.Whether this was intended or not, it could be a stab at how child custody is handled in divorce cases, where the wife usually has a higher chance of winning even when she is not trying to get the child, or in this case, where the daughter is clearly more happy with the father. Intended or not, I found it interesting.
Thank you for the reviews, guys; I appreciate it.The level of detail in the writing itself is quite nice, and your using of the song lyrics as a transition is certainly creative.Anyway it is a good story and I enjoyed reading it, I especially liked the sympathetic characters you placed in there. All in all it was a pleasure to read, we here at the SSCC await your next story.-HH
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Pharmakon, by Aderia, has recieved it's review!Also, welcome to Nick Silverpen! Great to have you on the team!-H Historian
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ECC Charity Review
Aderia, First of all, as a follower of your works and a particular fan of your latest epic, Faux, I am well aware that your writing skills have increased considerably since you wrote/abandoned Pharmakon. Therefore, many of the errors I point out do not exist in your current writing and are addressed only to past Aderia. So, if you could just seal this review up and send it to yourself about a year ago, I'd be much obliged.
And yes, I did go back and read all the chapters you posted on the old forums - post 14 is missing, just in case you weren't aware. Let's start with some positives. I really liked your "creation of the world" bit, and you gave us both originality and creativity in it's execution. Your MOC characters show promise with regards to originality and three-dimensionality, although they may at times lapse into acting stereotypically. You have excellent spelling throughout the whole epic and I found only one error in this latest post. Your descriptions are generally well-worded and you have better than average dialogue, although it's not stellar. Now that I've made you at least a little sad that you abandoned this literary seedling, I need to tell you that I agree with your decision entirely. I am not a fan of taking MOCs and adding them to mainline canon plots - it almost always leads to plot holes. Your writing itself shows great promise as an author, but the story's middle was almost completely written out for you. Having said that, it is my job to critique the past you, so on to the nitpicks!
She began to take her leave, not make; moved with her, not moving. And by the way, I really like the verbal picture of her reflection moving along the stones, although it may not really fit with the rest of the sentence.... You could easily be playing me for a fool and I won't let you." She began to make her leave, her armored boots clanging rhythmically against the cold stone floor, and her distorted reflection on the polished craggy stones of the fortress wall moving with her.
You have Yistran's dialogue and action in one sentence, then you hit enter and have Varia's reaction just one line lower. Based on how you separate the other paragraphs in this story, you're missing a line in between the two. Also, it feels redundant to read "Varia didn't even stop in her tracks" followed immediately by "before she could even stop to think twice". You might try restructuring the sentences to be more flowing and less repetitive. One such way might run -Varia did not hesitate in her stride. In one fluid motion, she turned on her heel and was mask to mask with Yistran, shouting at him before she had time to think twice."Believe what you want, sister. But your beliefs don't change the facts." Yistran called after her.Varia didn't even stop in her tracks. In midstride, she turned on her heel and was mask to mask shouting at Yistran before she could even stop to think twice.
"In a mere instant" or something like it would flow more with the rest of the sentence.But in a matter of an instant, the lights went down and all three pairs of eyes were drawn to the large window...
You really don't need to spoil your metaphor by telling us that the lights were not really how you described them. When you liken one thing to another, it's pretty clear that's not what's actually happening. One way to re-write it would be -"... where Varia's bursts of energy were dancing like insects around a light. As the lights moved and flickered, Varia could see a tall shadowed figure standing in their midst."... where Varia's bursts of energy were dancing like insects around a light. But instead of insects around a light, the lights were around a tall shadowed figure.
Quite honestly, I can only guess at what word you meant to type there. Naive, perhaps? Also, after using a comma to break your quotation marks, "she" should not be capitalized, and the next sentence should not be it's own entity. One way you could fix it would be something like -"Even after all these years," she began, her voice young, almost naive (?)..."Even after all these years," She began. Her voice was young, almost naïve...
Again, paragraphs not completely separated. And "but" does not really belong in this sentence, because there is no surprise in the stranger continuing to talk. Nothing Varia has done or thought so far should prevent it.Out of all the things running through Varia's mind, the fact that Yistran had been telling the truth was what kept her attention. But the newcomer continued.
Nothing to correct here; I just like how you implied that Kellium is not her true name."Since Yistran's allusion to me and my workings didn't seem to go over all that well, I'm here to back him up. You may call me Kellium."
Change the period at the end of her speech to a comma and don't capitalize "she"."You three have a lot to learn. I can teach you." She replied without skipping a beat.
"Came" should not be capitalized. Sometimes a question mark or even an exclamation point do not mark the end of a sentence so much as give you an indication of how the sentence was spoken. For example -"Mark rode my horse!" Caroline yelled, "without even asking me!"All one sentence, but two exclamation marks because of the break in dialogue.Why?" Came Varia's demanding question.
So, to the Great Beings, the Matoran Universe is detention? Kellium basically put them there to prove that they were worthy companions of their creators? This image is a bit in conflict with the beginning chapters on the old forums. Of course, this may simply be how Kellium is spinning it to her, um, old... pals?"Of course we were afraid we might have created more corruption and evil that the world didn't need, but you have proven us wrong. You deserve to live a normal life, become part of a society. And with my help, that can happen." Kellium smiled, satisfied, and folded her hands in front of her as she took a seat at the table.
"She" should not be capitalized, and the period following "afterwards" should be changed to a comma; it's all one continuous sentence. I was at first confused by the phrase "to quote on quote", but after reading it through a few times, I realized it was a typo for "to quote-un-quote". However, that doesn't really fit grammatically with the sentence, or - what is more important - resemble how someone would really talk. I think if I unscramble your sentence, what you meant was -"All this stuff you talk about sounds great. But I hardly live a life of quote-un-quote 'seclusion', and I am very much a part of a society, thank you.""Look," She said, resisting the urge to tag on a slightly mocking "Ma'am" afterwards. "All this you talk about sounds great. But, to quote on quote, I hardly live a life of seclusion, and I am very much a part of a society, thank you."
To keep the sentence more concise, you could just say "keeping count with her fingers". Also, just wanted to point out that this is a rare occasion where repetition of a phrase (specifically "I need time") is a good thing. When talking, people sometimes repeat themselves to make a point and it's good that you used this here."I need time to think things over. I need time to wrap up loose ends. I need time to organize myself. And most of all, I need to get back to that society I left, they'll be missing me." Varia rattled off, keeping count of what she needed with her fingers.
This is in line with Kellium's character as I understand it, so this is not a correction, just a reaction. "Thank you, Captain Obvious!""You need more time, is what you're saying." Kellium shot back. It wasn't a question.
The punctuation after "soon" should be a period, not a comma, and I think you forgot to insert "she" at the beginning of the next sentence.In summation, I see the value of what this experience did for you as a writer, and you did show us some neat and creative characters and scenes. But on the whole, this story should be viewed as a marker for how much you've grown in the past year, and you have gotten better by leaps and bounds since then. I'm really proud of how far you've come!-Hahli Historian"Thank you." Varia said, nodding her acknowledgement. She turned on her heel, caught Vorx's eye and said, "I'll talk to you soon,"Took three strides and flashed out of one existence and into another. -
"The Herald", by Lewa Krom, has been reviewed.-HH
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ECC Charity Review:
Lewa Krom,Sadly, there is only one post of what I assume was planned to be an epic covering the friendship of Jaller and Takua/Takanuva. I wish you had posted more of this, because one thing you are good it is getting inside a character's head and running through all their emotions. I didn't even really mind that the chapter you posted had no original story in it. Of course, I assume you were meaning to write some original scenes later, but never got around to it. It's a shame, because I think your angle really has potential. There's just a few things I would recommend tweaking before you do a reboot.First thing, take a look at your paragraphs. These are meant to be sentence "buddies"; ideas that like to hang out together, because they're similar. A new paragraph is not a substitute for an ellipsis (which is ...). If you need a pause in the reader's mind, have the actual narration pause, not break. Here's a good example.
All of these sentences are "buddies"; similar or related ideas, so they belong in the same paragraph. Do you see? It's easy, when you know what you're looking for. I realize you have a different writing style, but think of the paragraph rule like a sonnet. A sonnet is a very strict form of poetry; everything has to follow the rules exactly, or it simply isn't a sonnet. But at the same time, that sonnet can talk about anything you want it to. Your writing is like that - there are some rules to follow if you want it to be good, but within those parameters, you can make it uniquely yours.The second thing to do is look for simple errors that detract from your story.Fear was everywhere.Fear was in the shadows – the shadows that were cast both upon the physical world as well as upon his own mind.Fear was in his fellow Matoran – Matoran who were relying on him to complete his mission and restore light to their lives.
I think you mean "unique by every definition of the word".Takua, the true Herald of the Seventh Toa - unique in every definition of the word...
With no power to prevent it.... with not the power to prevent it, only to avenge it.
The imagery is pretty slapdash and redundant here. I think you mean to say that Jaller's sight dimmed, not "he watched dimly"; that would mean he wasn't very smart. Both sentences feel disjointed and awkward. You might try rewriting it something along these lines:Jaller was hurled through the air as the Turahk hissed in triumph. His sight dimmed as he felt the fear energy course through his entire body.Jaller was hurled through the air, the Turahk hissing in victory. Jaller watched dimly as he felt the effects of the Rahkshi of Fear’s staff course through his entire being.
Corrected-Not even the air rushing past his ears.... hearing not a sound – not even that of air rushing past his ears.
Seriously? The guy is dying and in pain - I highly doubt he's going to take his own pulse and notice it's slowing down. You might try saying that he noticed the pulse in his ears slowing or that he felt his muscles straining for oxygen.The Ta-Matoran noted the slowing of his pulse. There were other signs as well – the sputtering of his heartlight, the struggle to draw air into his lungs.
Again, it's very disjointed and jerky, as well as over described. It's we're seeing the whole scene in super slow motion. I realize it's an emotionally charged moment, and that you want the drama to come across, but you are sadly convoluting your own writing.His collision with the ground made his swiftly approaching fate final, a sharp gasp of air rushing to fill his struggling lungs.
Jaller is dying; we kind of figured he wouldn't be up for an island-wide search. The funeral pace of the action is not helping me to feel for Jaller. Think of your story as a movie playing in the reader's mind. You wouldn't watch a real movie if it was all slow motion, would you? The same principle applies to writing. You need to make it interesting, keep the action flowing. It doesn't take five minutes for Jaller to cling to the staff, get thrown to the ground and die. The suddenness of it is part of what makes his death so horrifying.From this point on, Jaller could do little to seek out the Seventh Toa. The legendary hero would make himself known now or the Toa of Light would never come.
Cast shadows, not casted.The Mask of Light casted shadows upon the blue Pakari of the Matoran who clutched the mask – the hope of all Matoran - in his hands.
These sentences seems like they might be better used as Jaller's thoughts instead of narration, given the sudden change in tone. Also, since it is a continuous thought, they should be in the same paragraph.Sometimes you have to slow down and notice the little details in life.Sometimes they mean the most.
This might be better phrased as "He spoke his last words". Try not to repeat the same words too many times in a sentence; it makes the reader feel bored.Now, like I said at the beginning, I do believe you have a good grasp of how your characters should think. The dialogue itself is, of course, not original, although I do think you missed a chance to put your own spin on it. But with regards to the characters themselves, I just think you write it a bit too clearly. When people experience a rush of pain or emotion (or both), they don't often stop to track and think about what they're feeling. You, as the author, do and should track it. But that doesn't mean the reader needs to - they see the show, the amazing disappearing act. You are the magician, and even though you know how it's all done, you'd never give it all away.So, overall, you have good character development and some technical glitches. Keep writing, learning and improving; you'll be the best writer you can be if you are your own toughest critic.-HHAnd he spoke the last words he would speak. -
Song: Lay it DownLyrics by Nichole Nordeman
To every son and daughterWayward and long goneThe love of a FatherWill leave the light on
Josh buried his face in his hands as April shut the front door behind her. How did it get so out of hand? he pleaded. Was it something I said? Did? Didn't say; didn't do? Could I have stopped her? He felt his eyes watering and struggled against the unmanly urge to grab the tissues. His ex-wife's words echoed in his mind, rattling every corner of the world that had seemed so secure just this morning. This is your fault. There was no heated anger of an argument in her voice; it was a collected, premeditated speech. She had been waiting a long time to say those words to his face. She had even waited until their daughter was visiting the neighbors. "This is your fault," April had said calmly. Too calmly for the shocking sentence that followed. "Lacey's only 16, but she's uncontrollable. She hangs out with that boy the police looked into for drugs, and she somehow gets cigarettes into the house. She stays out late, doesn't call and comes home smashed. She's practically dropped out of high school this year. But you don't seem to notice or even care. Our daughter is going to pieces, and you can't be bothered to even look up from your stupid work schedule." He had tried to protest, to say something. But what could he say? Whenever Lacey stayed with him, she seemed so happy and innocent! They still played board games together and spent dad-daughter dates at the mall. She was his pal, his go-to friend, even if her raging hormones and sense of humor were sometimes beyond his realm of comprehension. Those precious weekends were the highlight of his life, ever since April had taken Lacey and moved an hour away. "I've done everything for her," April had continued, her neatly painted nails tapping the dining table. "Everything I could. But whatever you're doing to her here, it's changed her. I hope you're happy, Josh - you've ruined my life and now hers." He remembered the exact way she tossed her head, looking just as self-righteous as she sounded. Josh shook his head. April was a pain he had managed to forget, but to watch her sitting across the table, calmly blaming him for everything their daughter was doing, had opened an old wound. It was never good enough for her. No matter what I did, she'd think of a way to do it better. He shook his head. Stop it! Lacey is what's important right now. My baby girl... I have to save her. I can still help her, figure out what to do.
I tried to throw you off trackA needle in the haystackAnd I don't know how you found meOr why you let me come back
He glanced up at the mantlepiece. Several framed pictures of himself and Lacey decorated the shelf, showing various vacations or just those snapshots he had teased her into posing for. Josh was a confirmed shutterbug and he loved nothing better for a subject than his beautiful dark-haired daughter. She looks so happy, he thought sadly, standing up and touching one of the frames. A single tear rolled down his cheek. Oh, God, he thought, meaning the word as a name for the first time in years. Whatever I've done, whatever mistakes I've made in my life, please don't let Lacey repeat them. Don't let my baby be hurt. He wiped the saltwater off his chin with his sleeve. "Don't worry, Lace," he whispered. "I promise, we'll get you through this. Whatever happens." "Get me through what?" came the light-hearted response. Josh turned around to find Lacey leaning coolly again the doorway, smiling at him. "Lace, honey." He practically ran to her before hugging her tightly. He felt like he never wanted to let go. Lacey laughed. "Lay off, dad; you're gonna smother me." The calmness of her voice reminded him cruelly of his conversation with April just a few minutes before. In many ways, she was her mother's daughter, he reminded himself. He saw so much in her of what he used to love in April. This was going to be the hardest thing he would ever do. "Sorry, kiddo." He tried to smile at her as he let her go. Lacey cocked her head to one side. "Hey, your eyes are red! Was mom giving you a hard time again?" "Yeah... Sort of." He instinctively wiped his eyes on his sleeve again. If only he could get rid of this feeling that he was too weak to handle this false laughter, this facade of happiness. "She has her pain-in-neck days." Lacey snorted. "Lately, she's been all over my case. 'Why didn't you do this? Why did you get home so late? Why'd you buy this? Why didn't you clean your room?' It's getting so stupid. She thinks she owns me." "I'm sure she's just trying to help you, honey." he said, making a move for the kitchen. They usually made some sort of super-sugary snack while she stayed over, April's passion for health food being not regarded in this house. "Why are you always like that?" Lacey sounded suddenly very serious. "Like what, baby?" The teenager shrugged. "So nice to her. She was horrible to you, and you never say anything, never lay into her." Josh scratched his head. "I used to, Lace. I used to pitch into her every chance I got. But every time I did, it scared you. One time, when you were six, you came up to me after your mom and I had a fight and you asked me if I'd ever yell at you like that." He paused, getting out the marshmallow fluff from the pantry. "I guess it scared me that my baby girl could think I'd ever yell at her like that. So I stopped. Doesn't mean I stopped thinking a bunch of flowery words at April, but I swore I'd never say them again." Lacey opened the brownie mix slowly. "Hey, dad? What if I deserved it? Like, pretend I held up a Qwik-Mart, or something; would you yell at me then?" Josh swallowed hard. "I'd try not to. I'd just be scared you were hurt and wanna protect you." "Thanks." Lacey smiled naturally, cracking eggs into the bowl with the brownie mix. "You knew that; didn't you, Lace?" he asked anxiously. "If you're in trouble... If you need someone to talk to--" She laughed. "Oh, geez, dad. It was just a 'what if'. I'm doing fine." Josh stared hard at the tall girl. Never before had he been so sure that she was lying to him. "Okay, honey. Just... If you ever need someone, I'm here for you." "Sure. When I get arrested for lifting candy bars, I'll call you." she teased, licking the chocolate-covered spatula.
Cuz it's a long way homeWhen all you're left to carryIs a heart of stoneAnd the weight of most the worldAnd I'd like to
Lacey stared at the ceiling of her room. Her dad lived in a townhouse, so space was tight, but he always kept one bedroom ready for her on the weekends. He was so sweet, even if he did worry too much. Her cell phone vibrated quietly on the nightstand. She checked the screen and frowned. She didn't feel like answering her boyfriend's text just now. Mom told him, she thought, turning over in bed. She told him about school, the parties, Alex. He knows. How could she do that to me? It's not fair! I'm sixteen - I'm old enough to make my own choices! Somewhere, in the far corner of her mind, she wanted to cry. She hadn't wanted her dad to find out. The partying and acting out, that was all stuff she did to get her mom's attention. She had never wanted her dad to know what a different person she was away from him. He had always loved her, always tried to protect her, even through the messy divorce. And while sometimes she found that protection restricting, tonight she just wanted him to tell her forgave her and it would be okay.
Lay it down a littleLay it down a lotI don't want to hold it anymoreLay it down in pieces orLay it down in wholeEverything I've carried on my ownLay it down, lay it downLay it down, lay it down
As she lay in the dark, scrunching her pillow to relieve her feelings, Lacey heard a soft knock on the door of her room. "Lace? You awake?" Josh whispered. "Yeah; c'mon in, dad." she answered, sitting up. Josh opened the door quietly and sat down on the foot of her double mattress. In the dark, his deep brown skin blended in with the night, making it hard to read his expression. "Hey, baby. I thought you might be awake, so I just..." He trailed off, unsure of what to say. How could he possibly bring up what April had told him without sounding like he was accusing Lacey? The teenager frowned. "You wanna know if what mom said is true? If I do drugs, hang with gangs and hit old ladies?" "No, no, Lace." he said quickly and firmly. "I know you'd never hurt anybody." He still trusts me? Lacey wondered in amazement. He's not upset I lied to him? Josh shook his head, trying to shape his words carefully. "I don't even believe most of what your mom said. I know you, honey; whatever little thing you've done to freak her out every now and then, it's no big deal. I just... I needed you to know that. It's not a big deal." For the first time in who-knew-how long, Lacey's conscience pained her. She had never felt guilty about doing anything to show her mom how little she cared. But her dad... Even when faced with evidence to the contrary, he believed in her, took her side. She felt her eyes watering and blinked to hide it. She had lied this long; she could lie a while longer. She couldn't shatter his blind faith in her. "Thanks, daddy. That means a lot."
I spent your moneyLiving on the fringesBut you threw a party for meInvited all your big friendsAnd I have learned a little bitAbout a heavy loadAll that gleams and glittersIs not worth its weight in goldAnd I know I should
Josh only stayed a few minutes after that; he wanted to make sure Lacey got enough sleep. But he was too worried to get any rest himself. I'll make a quick sandwich or something, he told himself. I need to give Lacey some space. If there's anything to tell, she'll say it when she's ready. I won't force her. He walked into the kitchen and began making a quiet snack, disregarding the sickening feeling in his stomach that his daughter was hiding from him. Doesn't she trust me enough to tell me? Is she scared to say whatever she's done? he wondered. Doesn't she know I'd forgive her? He half-consciously pictured all the horrible things teenagers did on the ten o'clock news. He saw his little girl being dragged down by the slippery pit of self-damage and almost stabbed his hand with the bread knife by accident. Josh was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but that moment, he came as close to it as he ever would. "Look, God or whoever's out there," he muttered, "I just wanna save Lacey. Could you help me do that? Just save my little girl. I don't want her to be hurt." There was no light or voice that answered, no choir of singing angels or even a loud gust of wind. But Josh felt something snap in his heart, some barrier that had been closed for so long he didn't know there was anything on the other side. A new feeling, a tangible, inexplicable calm, came over him. Whatever happened, he knew it would be okay. Lacey was going to be saved.
Lay it down a littleLay it down a lotI don't want to hold it anymoreLay it down in pieces orLay it down in wholeEverything I've carried on my ownLay it down, lay it downLay it down, lay it down
Lacey listened to the sound of her dad in the kitchen, probably making a midnight snack. She blinked rapidly against the stubborn tears in her eyes. Why am I feeling so guilty?! This isn't my fault; it's mom's. She should have kept her big mouth shut. She shut her eyes, trying to block out the noise, the dark, her own pricking conscience. Just go to him, that annoying corner of her mind whispered. He'll forgive you; he'll understand. She gave a sharp, quiet laugh. I'm too far gone. He can't forgive me for lying to him and pretending to be someone else. He doesn't love me; he loves the kid I used to be. You don't really believe that, the other thought answered. He loves you, Lacey. He loves you and he's waiting. Just go. She shook her head. "No." she said aloud. "I can't." Go. Lacey sighed in exasperation. She wanted nothing more than to get this feeling of heavy guilt off her chest. She wanted to feel her dad's too-tight hug again and hear him call her "honey", knowing who she really was. She slipped out from under the covers, brushed her hair into some semblance of order and opened the door.
To every son and daughterWayward and long gone...
-HH
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Hurrah for you, Tolkien! Karzahni's realm was so swept over and wasted in the books - a fallen place like that is a great medium with which to paint. Good choice for a SS.The emotions that Uil goes through are beautifully done. The progression from broken to hopless to desperation feels very natural. At the same time, I felt a little explanation might be in order for why the older matoran does not leave with him. If brokeness is all you have to look forward to in Karzahni's realm, dying in an attempt to escape doesn't seem so bad by contrast.
Sweet, poignant summarization. This whole story reminds me somewhat of Dante's Inferno. Again, great job, and good luck in the LSO!-HH"I... I..." he stammered at first, but finally the words came. "I have come out of the darkness and into the light. I have come to...remember." -
I'm going to cry. Seriously, I never tear up when reading, but this reminded me of a friend I love very much and... And I'm losing it. *reaches for the tissues*Okay, I'm better now. On a grammar level, of course you did excellent, although I have to admit, I was too busy reading to watch very closely for spelling errors. The characters are realistic without being harsh. 'Tina is particularly adorable. And the story itself is so beautifully real and sad - you said this story was inspired by actual friends? As much as I love Faux and your exciting fanfics, this is what you do best, Aderia - scenes from everyday life, the quiet heroes who never wear Kanohi or save the world. I applaud you.-HH
Epic Critics Club VII
in Epics
Posted