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  1. With a mournful cry Wenglestum cradles his fiance's body and vows that he WILL have a funeral (and it's going to be AWESOME. I mean, that wedding budget has to go SOMEWHERE right?) He's barely placed his beloved's body on the ground when there are MORE things to shoot (which honestly is pretty good, because he's kind of ticked. I mean not only did he lose his first squadmate EVER, but it just happened to be his FIANCE. What are the ODDS?) Anyhow he walks a bit, shoots a bit, yells at Kaidan a bit (dude will NOT be quiet) and then sees some crazy robot flashlight eye things. WHAT WILL HE DO, oh wait, they killed a human so I guess it's time to shoot them. So he does and they're dead, and then--oh dear. Oh dear is that human seriously wearing pink and white armor? Like pink and white armor? As in PINK? Yes unfortunately she is. Also she apparently got her entire squad killed by the robot geth flashlight things. Or at least her entire squad got killed by those things, and she maybe blames herself? Honestly, Wenglestum is kind of tired of all these people talking about things. HOW DOES HE RESPOND. (Also this one is a threefer because I AM NOT WAITING AROUND FOR ASHLEY) 1. Are you okay? - I mean seriously, she is willingly dressed in white and pink armor. If nothing else that is a sign of mental damage. 2. What happened here? - Pink. Armor. Wenglestum has to know how this happened. 3. We're on a Mission - Wenglestum can't stand to be around her, let alone look at her. I mean that armor. BONUS POINTS IF YOU ANSWERED 1. 2.1. What Happened to the rest of your unit? - Yeah, did your wardrobe scare them off? 2.2. Fighting these things? - I guess flashlight robot geth death machines are somewhat important maybe. BONUS POINTS IF YOU ANSWERED 2.1 3.1. Don't blame yourself - I Mean I guess she shouldn't feel bad about killing her squad. Her choice of uniform on the other hand... 3.2. What killed them? - Wenglestum reveals that he hasn't actually been paying attention to anything this entire time, or subtly indicates that he thinks that Ashley is a serial killer. 3.3. You abandoned them - Wenglestum is a butt, who does buttlike things because he doesn't like Ashley. Her and her pink armor. (It offends him because it will look so much better on him) "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn" "Brush your teeth after every meal--this moral brought to by the American CANADIAN Dental Association"
  2. Being that last entry was totally non-canon and didn't count at all (what, did you actually think it was that easy to get the bad end? NO) let's move on with the amazing adventures of Commander Wenglestum Sparklepants Shepard After a moment of thinking, Wenglestum has perfect clarity of thought and responds to the Doctor, explaining quite clearly what her job is, and how soldiers get hurt because of reasons. She naturally snaps at him and gets all upset. Jeese, how rude? It's then that Wenglestum looks into Jenkins face and suddenly he can't control himself anymore. The secrets, the lies--it's all too much. What he feels must be public and to heck with the consequences! With sweaty palms Wenglestum bends down to pop the question.... ...and promptly gets dragged into the Captain's office by some Turian Spectre thing. JEESE DOESN'T ANYONE BELIEVE IN ROMANCE ANYMORE? Anyhow the Spectre proceeds to blab on about how the mission isn't really just boring stuff, but maybe exciting stuff will also happen, and then without warning the Captain appears in his quarters (What are the odds???) and explains that it's even BETTER, Wenglestum himself is under review for Spectre status himself! He supposes he'll let the whole yanking-away-from-his-fiance slide this time--I mean he might get the power to do whatever he wants! One could almost say he would get to skirt the rules--perhaps because of his money! But suddenly Wenglestum is snapped out of his reverie, as the navigator patches through a feed from Eden Prime (the planet they were going to visit I guess?) and lots of people are dying. Wenglestum also has to suppress a giggle at what seems to be a soldier dressed in white and pink armor? I mean, how Gauche! Shortly later Kaidan and Jenkins are on the surface of Eden Prime--and it has certainly seen better days. They wander around for a bit (because seriously, Wenglestum's sense of direction is terrible. There's a reason he's not the navigator of the Normandy--and also why people don't let him drive the Normandy) before Jenkins lets his PASSION get the best of him and runs ahead of the rest of the team--and is cruelly cut down in his prime. Wenglestum stops for a moment, his entire world ending as he watches his fiance fall under a hail of bullets. Full of rage and sadness he shoots the floating robot things before running over to inspect the body of his beloved. It's time to make a choice--the entire mission is counting on him. 1. He deserves a burial - It was Wenglestum's fiance for heaven's sake--he at least deserves that much, right? 2. We can't help him now - The cold hard reality is that they're in the middle of an active war zone, and as much as he meant, he's done. 3. Forget about him - Wenglestum can't deal with what just happened. He has to rationalize the damage that's been done to his life and treat him like any other soldier. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn" "WIN A FREE TRIP TO TAHITI" (We won, we won, we won!)
  3. After a moment of soulsearching Wenglestum has come to the conclusion that he is Commander Wenglestump Sparklepants Shepard. There's no way anyone would or could command him to talk to everyone in the universe! Or at least he hopes that really, really hard. However it has barely been a moment when he hears two of his underlings talking. Loudly. Like seriously, do they want the whole ship to hear them? Wenglestum rolls his eyes thinking it might be a lovers quarrel before hearing the word "Spectre" usually that doesn't come into a lovers quarrel--or at least Wenglestum hopes. (He doesn't actually know. Wenglestum has lived a surprisingly sheltered life for growing up in the wasteland that is earth. Nobody has taught him anything there is to know about the thing they call "love") Standing creepily close by, Wenglestum allows them to finish their conversation before leaning in. It appears a young soldier and the ship's resident doctor are in an arguement. The Doc is whining about doing his job, and the kid is whining about not shooting stuff. UGH WHINERS. HOW WILL WENGLESTUM RESPOND. 1. Relax, Jenkins - Jeese man, the game has barely started yet. There will be plenty to shoot (spoiler alert, there is plenty to shoot) 2. The Doc's right - The doctor has every right to whine about actually doing her job. And the kid is pretty dumb. 3. Part of the job, Doc - APPARENTLY nobody told this DOCTOR that being a DOCTOR meant DOCTORING people. Especially people who get SHOT. JEESE WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR IS THIS. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn" "Vote early, and vote often."
  4. Wenglestum has taken a long time to think about his response--about seven days honestly--which kind of begs the question of how/when he: went to the bathroom, ate, slept, showered, trained, brushed his teeth, styled his hair, shaved, and a multitude of other things. But pushing aside those logistical nightmares Wenglestum responds to Joker with such a well-crafted passive aggressive attack that if you hadn't been paying attention you almost would have taken it for genuine concern. Joker of course misses the entire thing and responds with "The captain always sounds that way when he talks to me" DRAT. Another passive aggressive zinger foiled by Joker's semi-awareness. It's at this time that Wenglestum (leaving the cockpit now) really starts to realize just how many people are on this ship--and thinking in broader terms, just how many people are in this entire galaxy. I mean, surely nobody would expect him to talk to all of them and want to sift through every element of his conversation like some sort of insane micromanager. WOULD THEY? These thoughts weigh heavily on Wenglestum as he moves closer to the captain's quarters. 1. Will Wenglestum only post questions dealing with Renegade/Paragon options 2. Will Wenglestum post questions dealing with Renegade/Paragon options and anything he thinks is funny or interesting? 3. Will Wenglestum talk to everyone in the entire Galaxy. NO. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn" "If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents."
  5. Our brave commander Wenglestump Sparklepants Shepard has come across two of his squad mates discussing the presence of a Spectre aboard their super shiny new spaceship. Wenglestum, having not had his coffee that morning and being in no mood to hear the ironically named "Joker" spout off conspiracy theories grouchily snapped "Cut the Chatter" and satisfyingly both Kaidan Alenko and Joker did so--until Joker decided to open his fat mouth again and try to talk to the captain to warn him about the Spectre heading back to talk to him... Only for the captain to respond "He's already here" as in "He's already here you dork, he heard you warn me about him. Way to make our ship look like it's full of super geniuses" Wenglestum has also been commanded to go discuss certain things with both the Spectre and Captain Anderson. Joker wants to make sure Wenglestum heard, but Wenglestum can't resist leaving one final comment 1. Is He Upset? - Wenglestum wants to make sure Joker understands that was a silly comment in the most passive aggressive way possible. 2. I Heard - Wenglestum is boring. So boring. 3. You made him mad - Wenglestum doesn't even bother being subtle. Joker you messed up. Dork. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn" "Elvis lives on in our hearts, in his music...and in a trailer park outside of Milwaukee."
  6. Ladies and gentlemen--may I introduce you to.... COMMANDER WENGLESTUMP SPARKLEPANTS SHEPARD (Or Wenglestum for short. Because character limits are no fun) ANYHOW our new found commander is on board the Normandy SR-1, the highest techest piece of space shippery this side of the galaxy. And he hears two PEONS I mean crew members talking about the Spectre aboard their ship. More specifically he hears the navigator talking about how only a fool believes the official story. HOW WILL WENGLESTUM RESPOND: 1. I agree - Agree with the navigator that something doesn't feel right 2. You're overreacting - maintain that cool demeanor that you might be well known for if you are known for that. 3. Cut the Chatter! - SHOW HIM WHO IS BOSS. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn" "If you can't say something nice--you're probably at the icescapades."
  7. What a completely unexpected amount of support on this completely silly idea! THANK YOU GUYS AND GALS. Anyhow, now that our Shepard is named (the best possible name) and assigned, it's time to decide what he looks like. I will do this in the simplest possible way: WHAT IS SHEPARD'S RACE: - Asian -Caucasian -African-Canadian (+10 points because my wife wants it) WHAT IS SHEPARD'S COMPLEXION: - Yes Wrinkles - No Wrinkles - Maybe Wrinkles DOES SHEPARD HAVE A SCAR: - Yes - No DOES SHEPARD HAVE SOME PUDGE ON HIS FACE: - LOTS - Maybe a little - He is a skeleton WHAT SIZE ARE SHEPARD'S EARS: - Bigguns - Littleuns - Middlesizeuns WHAT KIND OF EYES DOES SHEPARD HAVE: - Squinty - Popping out - Boring WHAT IS SHEPARD'S OVERALL MOOD: - Happy - Sad - Zoned out - Neutral - Angry WHAT IS SHEPARD'S EYE COLOUR: - Look just tell me a colour because I'm not going to list all of them okay. There's a lot of colours I have to scroll through and I've already been through this character creation screen like eight times. DOES SHEPARD HAVE LUSCIOUS HUSSIE LIPS: - Yes - Yes HOW HUGE IS SHEPARD'S NOSE: - So Huge - Maybe not so huge? DOES SHEPARD HAVE FACIAL HAIR: - Yes - No WHAT COLOUR IS SHEPARD'S HAIR: - Blonde - Reddish - Brownish - Black - Mix'n'match (One for hair colour, one for beard colour) AFTER THIS WE WILL BE DONE WITH LOTS OF CHOICES. ONCE THE GAME STARTS IT IS PRETTY MUCH BINARY. OKAY I LOVE YOU ALL BYE. "Wheel of Morality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn" "Brush your teeth after every meal!"
  8. Janus

    Mass Defect 1

    Okay guys, here's the deal. I've been wanting to play Mass Effect again anyhow (especially now that I know that MaleShep is from CAYNADA) but I've been kind of hemming and hawing about it. I mean I already beat ME1 and ME2 using a Femshep and playing a full paragon like I wanted to--but I know there's so much I'm missing. So here's where you come in! I will play Mass Effect (and maybe Mass Effect 2) according to your choices. I will leave each entry up for ONE DAY in which you can vote for the response I should take. The only rules here are: 1. It will be Manshep, I already played Femshep and I love her dearly, I want to try something different. 2. I will not romance Liara. I already did, we had numerous blue children and they are adorable. 3. If there is no clear majority I will decide whatever I want so nyeh. THAT'S IT. So let's start off with the first round of Options: WHAT IS SHEPARD'S NAME: - Commander __________ Shepard WHAT IS SHEPARD'S BACKGROUND: - Spacer Both your parents were in the Alliance Military. Your childhood was spent on ships and stations as they transferred from posting to posting, never staying in one location for more than a few years. Following in your parent's footsteps, you enlisted at the age of eighteen. - Colonist You were born and raised on Mindoir, a small border colony in the Attican Traverse. When you were sixteen, slavers raided Mindoir, slaughtering your family and friends. You were saved by a passing Alliance patrol and you enlisted with the military a few years later. - Earth Born As an Earthborn, you had a rough childhood in the slums on Earth and have a gritty edge to your personality. WHAT IS SHEPHARD'S MILITARY HISTORY: - Sole Survivor During your service, a mission you were on went horribly wrong. Trapped in an extreme survival situation, you had to overcome physical torments and psychological stress that would have broken most people. You survived while those around you fell, and now you alone is left to tell the tale. - War Hero Early in your military career you found yourself facing an overwhelming enemy force. You risked your own life to save your fellow soldiers and defeat the enemy despite the impossible odds. Your bravery and heroism have earned you medals and recognition from the Alliance fleet. - Ruthless Throughout your military career, you have held fast to one basic rule: get the job done. You've been called cold, calculating, and brutal. Your reputation for ruthless efficiency makes your fellow soldiers wary of you. But when failure is not an option, the military always goes to you first. WHAT CLASS WILL SHEPARD BE: - Soldier The Soldier is your pure combat class, they are those who use guns to solveall their problems. They can use all 4 weapons without relative ease, the onlyclass that is able to use Heavy Armour and they have the ability to use FirstAid. This is the best option for first time players because its easy to use,point and shoot. The class of a default Shepard or a quick Shepard. - Engineer The Engineer is like the Soldier, a pure user, but of Tech this time. Theyare the masters of cracking locks and hacking into systems, and also hackingand disabling enemy units. Since the Geth are electronic, you can hack intothem to render them useless. They are going to be a support unit, since thisisn't Battlefield 2 and you don't get a Shotgun. - Adept The Adept is the last pure user, the user of Biotics, or Jedi. With this,you will be able to defend yourself with Barrier, or throw your enemiesto render them useless. However, they will lack the offensive power or thetech power that would be required for an all round unit. - Infiltrator The Infiltrator is a combination of Combat and Tech. They have the offensivehacking powers of the Engineer and the long range and close range stoppingpower of a Soldier. They are a very powerful class, the other being theVanguard. With Combat and Tech, they can easily go through the game withoutneed for a support squad. - Sentinel The Sentinel is the combination of Techs and Biotics. This can be quite usefulbut there lies a problems. You don't have the combat capabilities of bringingdown the enemy. This class is again a support class since you can't take theenemy down. - Vanguard The Pure Jedi class, the Vanguard is one of the most powerful classes, theycan combine Biotics and Combat together. They however, lack the Tech powers totake down locks and that will seriously undermine your support squad. Theycan easily knock down foes, throw them and fire. HOO BOY THAT WAS A LOT OF STUFF BUT WE'RE NOT DONE YET. TUNE IN TOMORROW WHEN WE GET TO PICK WHAT SHEPARD LOOKS LIKE! "Wheel of Morality turn, turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn"
  9. Janus

    Gray Morality

    So as everyone already knows I've been playing Mass Effect 2. And while for the most part I really enjoy it. I've been having some problems with the choices. Not just the "click something you think Shepard would say only for her to say something completely different, accidentally earn renegade/paragon points" but more specifically with the whole binary system in the first place. Spoilers to follow. Liek whoa. Mordin's Loyalty Mission Legion's Loyalty Mission Collector Base Again, none of these things were a deal breaker, in fact for the most part I far preferred Mass Effect 2 to Mass Effect 1. However in ME1 I never felt this huge problem with the binary choice system. The problem with the weightier choices of ME2 is that they don't lend themselves to the binary choice structure that's been built up this entire time.
  10. So yeah, after the season 2 opener of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, I felt the need to give Twilight Sparkle a special accolade medal. It's the No One Left Behind medal from Mass Effect 2, which you only get through hard work, loyalty and friendship, for instance. I hope she likes it...
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