Search the Community
Showing results for tags 'rewrite'.
Found 3 results
-
EDIT: today, August 10th 2021, I've finally come back and posted some small revisions to this story based on the feedback I received. Call it a little 810NICLE Day celebration. Hey, so re-reading some of the Bionicle story, I remembered that the way the fight between the Toa Mata and the Shadow Toa went down in Chronicles #1 (Tale of the Toa) isn't officially canon. At least according to Greg Farshtey, that fight really ended with the Mata realizing that the shadow was a part of themselves, and they reabsorbed the Shadow Toa into their own bodies. With that in mind, I've written this: an alternate version of chapter 16 of Tale of the Toa, based on Greg's short description of the canon version of the fight. I've included the very beginning and end of the chapter, even though they're unchanged, to give some context (for those of you who have access to Tale of the Toa, I recommend re-reading the end of chapter 14, and all of chapter 15, before this if you want the full fight). The text between the horizontal lines is what I wrote. Also, just a note: this references some events from MNOG which were not recounted in Tale of the Toa. I don't think this has been done before, but let me know if it has! I'd be interested to see how others pictured this happening (though I'll be a bit embarrassed if I find out there's actually a canon, fully-written version of this fight somewhere that I wasn't aware of. EDIT: ha, there is, from the Bionicle Style Guide. Oh well ). Anyway, without further ado: 16 Kopaka hit the ground hard as the quake rumbled beneath him. His enemy was on him in a flash. He managed to block the blow with his shield and then swing his ice blade upward. If he could just aim... SKREEEEEEEK! Kopaka smiled as he saw that his enemy was frozen in place. Kopaka sent the frozen enemy skittering across the ice until it smashed into the cavern wall. The creature shattered into hundreds of icy shards. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Suddenly, the shards began spinning through the air towards Kopaka. After just barely managing to block them with his sword and shield, the Toa of Ice looked up to see the icicles merge back into the form of his shadowy double. “Looks like we're even, Kopaka. You shattered me, and I've shattered your aspirations of victory.” Nearby, Lewa wasn’t faring any better, despite having quickly recovered from the quake. His doppelganger danced around him, impossible to strike. “Come now, Toa of Air,” said the shadowy being, continuing to evade Lewa’s every blow. “This isn’t really what you want. I know how much you enjoyed your time on the side of darkness.” “You lie!” said Lewa, wildly swinging his axe to no avail. The shadow Lewa looked into his eyes, a sickly smirk just barely visible on its face. “I wonder, what would your friends think if they knew what we know about your time with that mask?” Lewa’s expression was grim. Of the other Toa, only Onua knew about his time under the control of one of Makuta’s infected Kanohi. But that’s just it, Lewa thought. While I was under its influence, it didn’t feel like I was being controlled -- rather that I had just given in to my deepest darkthoughts. Lewa stared into the glowing, malevolent eyes of his mirror image. Could it be true...? Is this... what I truly am...? Tahu’s rage was beginning to boil over. His foe refused to yield to even his most powerful blasts of flame, and continued to goad him. “Yes, that’s it. Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted, Tahu? To let loose, to destroy?” The shadow Tahu ducked deftly under a fireball, deflecting another with its sword. “You are fire unleashed, Tahu. You have no reason to help these pathetic ‘teammates,’ or the useless Matoran. Your power is beyond all that. Give in... give in to the flame.” Tahu simply growled in response, unleashing a massive wall of fire. Gali was caught off-guard by the sudden heat behind her. Glancing over her shoulder, she saw Tahu had created a wave of fire that had just barely missed her. Before she could say anything, her double was on top of her again, catching her arms in its hooks. A quick burst of water freed her from its grasp, but didn’t slow it down at all. Twin pairs of hooks met in the air, each pushing hard against the other. The shadow Gali’s face leaned in close. “Come now, Gali,” it said, in a sickly-sweet voice. “We both know you’re limiting yourself by working with these idiots.” The doppelganger suddenly spun, catching both of Gali’s hooks in one of its own. It gestured with the other at the rest of the Toa. “They all think with their muscles, not their brains. You’re the only one here with any wisdom.” Gali pulled free and moved to strike, but hesitated: she didn’t want to acknowledge it, but deep down, she had thought the same things this evil duplicate was saying. She suddenly shook her head. “You’re wrong. Tahu and Kopaka can be a bit headstrong, but--” “But what? You’ve seen into two of their minds, Gali. Think back to your time as Wairuha: from whose mind do you think that being’s wisdom was drawn? Kopaka? Lewa?” The shadow’s laugh was like the bubbling of a fetid swamp. “These others are beneath you, Gali. Not only that: their rash behavior is a danger to the island, and its people. You are the only one fit to save Mata Nui.” Gali was frozen in place, conflicting emotions tearing at each other inside her mind. How did this imitation seem to know so much about her deepest, innermost thoughts and fears? Suddenly, she heard Pohatu’s voice, shouting over the noise of rocks hitting the ground around him: “I don’t understand! How did Makuta create beings just as powerful as we are?” “Indeed,” Onua shouted back as he attempted to raise a wall of earth between himself and his foe. “Why would Makuta need to enslave the Rahi if he were capable of creating beings this powerful from thin air?” Gali considered what the others were saying, still grappling with her double. Onua and Pohatu had a point - Makuta would certainly have made an army of these beings long ago if he could, and menaced the island with them. He must have needed something in order to create them... but the only things new to the island in recent days were... Us, Gali thought, as her eyes lit up. “That’s it!” she yelled. She stepped toward her doppelganger, who she could’ve sworn looked almost... nervous. “Makuta could not have created these shadow Toa from nothing. And he didn’t: he created them from us.” “What are you talking about?” said Tahu angrily, his whole body now aglow with flame as he continued his fruitless assault against his foe. “These enemies know everything about our darkest thoughts, fears, and desires,” continued Gali, still moving toward her own, now slowly retreating, counterpart. “Because that is what they are.” Suddenly, Gali leapt forward. Before the shadow Gali could escape, the Toa of Water wrapped her arms around it, and then -- to the other Toa’s astonishment -- it began to fade, melding into Gali’s body. She stood very still for a moment, then turned and looked up. “Fellow Toa! Just as much as light is a part of us, so is shadow. These beings are nothing but a part of our very selves -- and one that we already overcome every day.” Kopaka, Pohatu, and Onua nodded with understanding, and began calmly walking toward their own copies. Tahu glared at his for a moment, then lowered his sword and did the same. All embraced their shadowy counterparts, and Gali watched, relieved, as they re-absorbed their own shadows back into themselves. Suddenly, she realized one was missing. Looking around, she saw Lewa in a far corner of the cavern, on his knees before a grinning shadow Lewa. “Lewa!” she shouted, running toward him. “It is nothing more than a part of you! You are strong enough to overcome it!” “No, I’m not,” muttered Lewa. “I wasn’t heartstrong enough before, and I’m not now. I can’t fight the deep-darkness...” “He’s true-right,” cackled the shadow Lewa. “The darkness was tough-stronger than him before, and it’s tough-stronger than him now.” “What are you talking about, monster?” demanded Tahu. The shadow laughed again, sounding like dead branches snapping. “Oh, just the span-time your ‘teammate’ here spent enslaving his own tree-people.” It looked toward the Toa of Earth. “I’m sure Onua could speak-tell you all about it.” The other Toa all looked at Onua, a mixture of confusion and concern on their faces. He sighed, then explained: “Lewa was forced to wear an infected mask -- like those Makuta used to control the Rahi.” The shadow Lewa grinned as Onua continued. “Makuta used Lewa to make the Le-Matoran do his bidding. I had to save Lewa by knocking the mask off of him” The Toa of Earth suddenly glared at Lewa’s double. “But he did not do those things of his own volition! He was under Makuta’s control!” The grin on the doppelganger’s face did not falter. “Maybe it appeared that way from the outside, Onua. But inside, Lewa here was simply acting on his own dark desires. He can feel it in his heart.” “He’s true-right,” said Lewa, still kneeling on the ground, sounding utterly defeated. “I’m not strong enough to fight my own soul-darkness.” He looked back up at his shadow. “This is what I am. And I can’t do anything to halt-stop it.” “Yes, you can,” said Onua, putting a hand on Lewa’s shoulder. “I heard you when you wore the infected mask. You said that your mind, your body, was not your own: even then, you were fighting the shadow. And you are stronger now. Stronger than you admit.” The Toa had now gathered in a semi-circle around Lewa, facing his duplicate. The dark Lewa’s grin wavered for a moment. “They know nothing about what you’re true-capable of, Lewa. They barely know you. They’ve barely seen you quick-fight.” “We don’t need to have seen you fight to know how strong your heart is, Lewa,” said Pohatu. “You’re more than this darkness.” The shadow Lewa now looked slightly nervous. “I don’t watch-see your ‘friends’ trying to help you halt-stop me, Lewa. They’re just still-standing there, waiting for you to fail!” “This is something only you can do, Lewa,” said Gali. “We cannot fight this evil for you. But I believe that you can do it on your own.” Lewa lifted his head, looking around at his companions. He then closed his eyes, thinking of all the Matoran who were depending on him. Slowly, he rose to his feet, then opened his eyes, staring directly at those of his mirror image. Their eyes locked, and for a moment that felt like an eternity, they stood, unmoving. Suddenly, the Toa of Air dropped his axe, stepped forward, and embraced his shadow. As it slowly disappeared into his body, he staggered forward, but remained standing. He looked toward the other Toa, and a small smile appeared on his face. “It’s over-finished. We’ve succeeded.” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once again, the cave was nearly silent. The Toa stood there for a long moment, staring at one another. Then, as a group, they collapsed wearily to the ground. After catching his breath, Tahu sat up and glanced at Onua, who was watching the others thoughtfully. “What do you think, brother?” he asked the Earth Toa. Onua smiled, though there was a hint of weariness in his eyes. “I think,” he said, “that we have won an important battle, and of that we can be proud. But there is more to come.” Tahu nodded, his grin fading as he gripped his fire sword more tightly. Yes, Onua was right. He could feel it, burning in his mind like a half-remembered dream. There was much more to come. END ...and that's it! I'd really appreciate it if you take a minute to leave some feedback. Thanks!
-
In Bionicle's later years, one of the things that bugged me was the tangents - 2008 had several titan sets of random matoran in three-legged tanks and jets and whatnot. 2009 had Sahmad and a bunch of other guys with speeder bikes. I still have no idea how Mazeka and Vultraz were even remotely relevant to the goings-on in Karda Nui, and so ignored them. It worked too, because they didn't really come up outside of a serial I haven't read. But this also got seriously problematic in places. While I read the comics and whatnot, I mainly followed the Bionicle storyline through the books, as those were the most centralized and consistent media that included pretty much everything you needed to know. Until 2008, that is, as the books there require reading Gali's Blog serial thing to understand how the Toa got their adaptive armor, knew to go to Karda Nui, actually got to Karda Nui, ect. It was evidence that Bionicle's story was starting to grow too big and become unsustainable, and that of course was what eventually ended it. During the five years between then and the announcement of the Reboot, I've been putting some thought into how I would rewrite it, both paring it down to the central storyline whilst improving on and detailing said central story, and part of that would be in taking all the serials, comics, and other tangents, and either ruthlessly cutting them (really, was that stuff with the Mahri and the Golden Being even necessary?) or integrating them into the main story. (Gali's Blog, the Federation of Fear, ect.) Basically, Adaptation Distillation with just a bit of Adaptation Expansion for the sake of better character development and whatnot. On top of that, I wanted to keep the later year's important elements intact while giving them some of the mythical, mysterious feel of the Mata Nui arc. Particularly, leaving the Makuta race as-is (purely for the sake of Krika, I'll admit) whilst making Teridax align more closely with that shadowy figure that once uttered "You cannot defeat me, for I am nothing..." So in short, I've pretty much built up a whole continuity in my head, remaining loyal to the original storyline while reworking it into something less bloated and more thoughtful. (I'm kind of glad G2 is going in a completely different direction, actually; I was afraid there would be some mutual stepping on toes going on between my rewrite and the Story Team's plans.) My question is this - do you think I should do a broad discussion of my rewrite and the general thought process behind it in this thread, or should I move it over to the fanfic archive and actually write it all out serially?
- 5 replies
-
- 2
-
-
- rewrite
- discussion
- (and 3 more)
-
Review TopicChapter 1 - Fish Kreth pushed himself to his feet, coughing.He drew his sword and span on the spot, in time to see a single bomber soaring over the south-west horizon.Their attempts to cover their tracks had failed; the Brethren clan had destroyed the selection of tents and shacks that they called a base camp.Kreth turned away from the horizon, examining the wreckage. His close friend Slohaz was clambering out of the rubble, keeping a tight grip on a single fish.Food was hard to come by on Barrawahi, and even then it was mostly crops grown on the coveted fertile land.Slohaz was not bright, and he knew of the value of the food the clan had managed to buy from the Rockfoot Clan.He had personally guarded the food supply once it arrived, and even when the camp was in flames, he had made that last attempt to save one bit of it.Some would have found it amusing Slohaz had gone to such trouble to save a single fish, but to Kreth the sight of the bulky Skrall standing there with the fish was just a depressing reminder of the clans desperation to leave this world, and the deal that had cost them everything they had worked to gain.The clan was a small and informal one. It was known as the Escape clan, with no official title. No coat of arms, or motto, and only one code of honour.‘This is not the way to live’As the clan ‘title’ suggested, they simply wanted to leave the planet-wide warzone for somewhere better.Unfortunately, the clan system was severely flawed.The lack of true honour in the group was inconvenient; there was no sense of comradeship.All the members were determined to leave the planet. Many ended up jumping in Olmak anomalies, while possible, it was considered suicidal.The more successful escapees sold out their clan for a totem trip to freedom, some of the more insane ones thinking they’d be better off on Tanuuk or Izumal.On this occasion, Kreth was the sell out. Not for his freedom, but for the clans well being.He had given information to the Rockfoot Clan in return for food.This was a bad move, as the Escape Clan lay on the borders of the Brethren clan, who up until now they had had a mutual agreement of peace.Kreth became aware that Slohaz was limping towards him, and that his leg seemed fairly severely injured.Kreth quickly bent down and picked up an enormous Protosteel axe out of the dust. He passed it to Slohaz, who used it to take the weight off his injured leg.Slohaz had the look of a true warrior in battle. He had elite Skrall armour, and the enormous axe gave him the look of a Barrawahi champion.As far as Kreth knew at least, he wasn’t.Slohaz certainly didn’t have the skill to be a champion; his combat abilities consisted of swinging the axe as hard as he could at his enemies, usually with no awareness for his own safety or surroundings. Occasionally though, he had surprising bursts of unprecedented skill, but these vanished as quickly as they came.Kreth looked away from Slohaz, seeing the rest of the clan helping each other out of the rubble, one Toa of water was extinguishing a burning tent.He was sad to see some people in the wreckage had been left. On Barrawahi, moving your dead was usually an unwise way to spend your time.He was glad to see an Ice Agori picking his way through the wreckage towards them.His name was Gapii and he had been with the clan for 10 years, having arrived through an Olmak anomaly from Tanuuk.Kreth felt sorry for the Agori, as he was often dwarfed in the area, with very few of his own species for company.Gapii had spirit though, arriving from a place as terrible as Tanuuk, most people would give up hope arriving on an equally derelict planet, but he had a constant will to make his life better.Kreth expected others to join Gapii in gathering around him, Kreth was the leader of the clan, and they should look to him for their next move.Instead, they were walking away, heading north, towards Iron Hawk territory.“Where are you all going?” Kreth yelled after them.There was no response, so he looked to the two beings that were walking towards him.“Some honour still left then,” Kreth said.“We’re all in the same situation,” said one of them, a Toa of fire. “I say we stick together.”The other, a Skrall laughed at this.“I just stayed to do this,” he sneered. And he spat at Kreth’s feet. “You’ve brought this clan to destruction, and you only lead it for a week.”Slohaz hobbled between the two of them, staring his fellow Skrall down.“Bring it on, Brainless!” the Skrall said, laughing manically.He kicked the handle of Slohaz’s axe, and the Skrall toppled onto the floor.“You think you’ll last out here like that?” Kreth said, drawing his sword. “It’s honour that gets you places here, and you don’t have a shred of it.”Kreth was uninjured and armed, and the Skrall could see that. The Toa of Fire was also now standing at Kreth’s side, conjuring a fireball in his hand.Even Gapii had picked up a piece of timber and was glowering at the Skrall.Recognising defeat, he backed away.“Are you coming?” asked the Skrall. This was directed at Slohaz.Slohaz shook his head, and Kreth snapped, “Why would he come with you?”“We’re Skrall brethren. We stick together. And he can’t think for himself, he needs to be with his own kind.”“Slohaz can make his own choices,” Gapii said.“Yes,” Kreth said, though this was not entirely truthful.Anyone else in a campsite would forget their orders to protect the food while it was being bombed, and instead take cover. Slohaz just continued with the orders he was given.“I’m staying,” Slohaz growled. “Wherever Kreth goes, I go.”The other Skrall swore under his breath, and turned and ran after the others who had left.Gapii threw his timber to the floor, and the Toa of fire flicked the fireball away.“Azlok isn’t it?” Kreth said, turning to the Toa.“Yes,” he replied.“I’m grateful for your loyalty,” Kreth said. “You too, Gapii. And I always know I can count on you Slohaz.”Kreth knew that it might have been fear of ‘the reign of Slohaz’ that partly led to most of the clan deserting him.The longest serving member of the clan was always the leader. If Kreth was killed, or forced to leave the clan, Slohaz would be in charge.Kreth wasn’t sure if this rule would stand, but many members probably wouldn’t want to be around to find out.“What’s the plan Cap’n?” asked Gapii, upbeat as ever.“Seek sanctuary in Zien,” Kreth said. “There’s never full on wars going on there, and we might be able to join up with another clan.”“The escapes over?” Gapii said, saddened.“For now, yes,” Kreth said, equally down heartened.Azlok also looked disappointed, but Slohaz simply looked confused.Kreth had concluded Slohaz didn’t really want to escape. Again it was a case of his inability to think for himself, Kreth had recruited the Skrall and explained the clan’s aims and why they were good.Slohaz was part of war-like species though, and was unlikely to find himself any kind of occupation on another world. He was the purest of Barrawahi warriors really, and part of Kreth regretted making him think he would be happy elsewhere.“So Zien?” Gapii said, with only a slight trace of enthusiasm. He gestured to the northeast.The four of them headed that way, aware that the constant slight upward slope would make their life seem much worse.They quickly formed a procession, Slohaz at the front ploughed on at a constant speed, untroubled by the pain in his leg or the irritating gradient.Kreth and Azlok mostly kept pace with each other, occasionally falling back to the rear to walk alongside Gapii, who struggled to keep pace with his longer legged fellows.It was a pretty unique selection of beings, Kreth thought to himself.Slohaz seemed to have some mysterious past, but the earliest thing he admitted remembering was being sent by Hand of Faith to rescue Gapii from Shadow Honour.Shadow Honour had locked up Gapii soon after he arrived on the planet.Matoran and Agori were often used to sneak behind enemy lines, and Gapii’s sudden transportation to Shadow Honour territory had been far too suspicious to just let him leave.Kreth himself used to be a Red Skull champion. He had idolised the Legendary Bajnok, but had fled the clan a few years before the Skakdi champion’s disappearance.He did not like to relive that day.Azlok was a fairly normal Barrawahi inhabitant. A strong sense of honour and loyalty and as a Toa of Fire with a mask of Parabolic vision, he was a strong asset to any side.Azlok was also unique in his choice to very rarely use Toa tools. He was a master of simply conjuring his element and manipulating it to his advantage.The group suddenly came over a crest, and found themselves looking out over a cliff edge.The sight was impressive, not because of the height of the cliff and the view all around, or the imposing archway of Zien to the east.What was impressive was the battle they could see raging below, the Iron Hawk clan locked in a brutal fight with the armies of the Brethren clan.Bombers flew overhead, and the landscape looked like it was on fire.Gapii stood and gaped at what he saw before him, before Azlok dragged him back.“People on top of a hill over a battle field,” he said, “could be on anyone’s side if you don’t know who they are. If I were down there, I’d assume we were the enemy, and fire.”“Agreed,” Kreth said. “We’ll try and stay away from the cliff edge.”The group headed east for a while, but quickly came to a long, rocky, ridge down to the ground, the only way down from here to Zien.By now the echoes and flashes of the battle were distant, but walking along this ledge, silhouetted against the glowing blue sky was incredibly risky.Nevertheless, it was the only option available, so they made as fast a pace as possible over the rough terrain.They were halfway down, when there was a whistling sound, and Slohaz yelled, throwing himself to the ground.They were under fire.
