The Wimp Waker

[ShadowBionics]

The REAL first chapter. I decided to maybe return here for a little bit and try to fix the problems the forum upgrade created when it took every chapter of all the stuff I've written and turned it into unreadable blocks of text. I've slowly started fixing it. I honestly don't care if no one reads my stuff anymore, it bothers me that this happened. It bothers me more that it seems I'm the only one this happened to. So I'm going to go on ahead and fix it all by myself.

In the mean time, here is the real first chapter for the Wimp Waker. I've honestly lost the will to make the Skyward Sword parody, not only because everyone on BZPower seems to hate it (I'm the only one posting in it and without feedback to go off, I don't know whether you all hate it or not), but I'm discouraged from writing it because I don't know if you all hate it or not. Plus, I didn't even WANT to start writing it. I wanted to start making the Wind Waker spoof because not only is it one of my most favorite games, but I already started writing it with a skeletal plot outline, which also got posted here as a "What-if" sort of script, but it also suffered the same fate and I don't really see a point in fixing that since it's not part of the main story. So I'm just going to post the first chapter. I will return to writing this when I feel like it. Until then, I'll be trying to fix the rest of the series so that it is actually readable again. Enjoy. Or don't enjoy. Seriously. I get the feeling no one likes my writing anymore. Either way, I love writing, so I don't care if no one likes my stuff or not.

This is but one of the legends the Matoran talk about. Just one. Not two. Not three. Not seventy-eight. Just one…

Long ago, there existed a kingdom where a golden power lay hidden… in the middle of the field for everyone to see. It was a prosperous land blessed with green forests, tall mountains, LOTSA Spaghetti, and peace. But mostly LOTSA Spaghetti. But one day a wicked burn victim of great evil found the golden power and took it for himself because he figured “Hey, why not?” and because it was just right there in front of him, ready and ripe for the taking. With its strength at his command, he spread darkness everywhere, all within the time span of exactly seven days. But then, when all hope died and the hour of doom seemed at hand…

A young Toa of Air appeared as if out of nowhere… when in reality he was just locked up in a temple for seven days. He brought fire with him. Wielding the blade of evil’s bane, he sealed the dark one away with some annoying Southern Belle girl and brought back light to the land… because taking him down right then and there to end his evil forever was not an option. Just seal him away in some realm of light with some hillbilly girl. The Toa who traveled through time to save the land was then named the Hero of Time. You know, because it made sense at the time. His tale was passed through generation until it became legend. Because no one wrote anything down, so no one could really recall things exactly. But then… there came a day when a fell wind began to blow across the kingdom. The great evil that everyone thought was gone forever and sealed away by the hero wasn’t actually gone forever. He and his mismatched partner returned, and he was eager to resume his dark designs. Big surprise there.

Faced by an onslaught, everyone could only appeal to the Great Spirit and his three subordinates… because no one likes Hylia apparently, but enough of her. In their last hour as doom drew nigh, they left their future in the hands of Fate. Unfortunately, Fate wasn’t in a good mood that day and she didn’t help them. What became of this kingdom? None remain who know… which brings up the question of how I’m able to relay this story to you all…

Bionicle: Wimp Waker -- Abridged

*Somewhere on Outset Island, there was going to be something big going down…*

Macku: BIG BROOOOOOOOOOTHEEEEEEEEER!!!

*The young and vibrant Macku ran down the ramp of the home she lived in, calling out for her big brother. As she ran, she got her favorite telescope handy.*

Macku: BIG BROOOOOOOOOOTHEEEEEEEEER!!!

*Macku used her telescope to look, and she then looked over at the lone watch post at the other end of their peaceful home island of Outset. Putting her telescope down, she scurried over to the watch post.*

*Meanwhile, Macku's brother was seemingly trapped in a recurring nightmare. It's raining. There's a storm going on. He's standing in front of a draw bridge, which slowly lets itself down. He has never seen this building before in his life, but historical texts (if there were any left) would call it the Coliseum of Metru Nui*

Lewa: Whoa, creepy doors…

*Then all of a sudden, two beings atop a mount pass right by him, one being a young Toa of water. Lewa moved away before being trampled, staring back at her...*

Lewa: What was that thing?

Nokama: A horse, you moron!

*The two rode away and the dream continued. Lewa, stunned, got to his feet again. He turned back to face the Coliseum, only to meet face-to-face with a dark being with a unsettling vibe.*

Antroz: You know... I actually succeed in an alternate universe. I call it the Antruniverse.

Lewa: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!

*Lewa, now back in his own body and time, awoke from the dream. He thought he heard Macku calling him. He turned around, but she wasn't there. He faced forward again, and sure enough, there she was.*

Macku: Wake up, big brother!

Lewa: BWAAHHH!!!

Macku: Are you awake now?

Lewa: Please exit my life and never return.

Macku: I just drank 28 gallons of soda.

Lewa: That’s really deep-interesting. Not.

Macku: I knew you'd be here. This is my favorite spot to look out and gaze at the seagulls. I call it "Macku's Lookout."

Lewa: Cute. Why are you here?

Macku: Grandma said she’s got your birthday present.

Lewa: You mean nothing? Like every year before?

Macku: Yeah. And when I asked her, she kicked me out of the house.

Lewa: Then annoy-bug the neighbors.

Macku: I don’t think they like me.

Lewa: You’re weird.

Macku: Aren't you glad to have such an adorable little sister like me here to wake up you and check on you all the time?

Lewa: Nope.

Macku: Well... why don't you go see Grandma anyway?

Lewa, sighs: I'll do it, but it'll be a huge waste of mine time and everyone else's.

*Lewa leaves the watch post and climbs down the ladder slowly. Afterwards, he makes his way on the dock and makes it home.*

Lewa: You know... Grandma always says she never has enough money to get us anything. I wonder if it's true...

*With that, Lewa gets a wonderful awful idea and crawls underneath the steps of the house. From there, he finds a very small crawl space and as he follows it, he manages to find a secret room with a secret treasure chest. Curious, he opens it, and sure enough, he gets 100 rupees right off the bat.*

Lewa: HA! I knew Grandma was lying to us the whole time! Well, I just snuck-swiped her life savings!

*After doing a very bad deed that would most likely make anyone deem him a thief, Lewa makes it back up and goes in to greet his grandmother.*

Grandma: Why, hello there, Lewa. Today is a very special day for you.

Lewa: Is it the day you put Macku up for adoption?

Grandma: No, but that's a very great idea. Today you are the same age as the age of the Hero of Time.

Lewa: The Who?

Grandma: No, not The Who, although I do like their music. The Hero of Time. The one who stopped the Dork Lord from taking over that ancient kingdom before the Dork Lord returned and made everything go bad.

Lewa: He sounds more like the Loser of Time if you ask me.

Grandma: Yes, he was a loser. But we still worship him never the less. So to honor this occasion, I have bought you... um... I bought you... some Emperor's New Clothes!

Lewa: Why do you always do this every single time?

Grandma: Come now, Lewa, try them on. I'm sure they'll look nice.

*Lewa mocking tries on the "invisible" clothes over his already existent green armor.*

Grandma: Oh, Lewa, you look so nice in your new clothes.

Lewa: These are the clothes I wear all the time.

Grandma: If it'll make you shut up, I'll go get you some candy later.

Lewa: Sweet!

Grandma: You remind me so much of your Grandpa Lesovikk from when we were growing up. Oh, those were such happy memories.

Lewa: Do I have to hear this?

Grandma: He'd always tell me, "Nikala, quit trying to cheap out on everybody, or else you're going to make people angry." You grandpa was so silly. I never made anyone mad at me.

Lewa: Grandpa sure had some good common sense. How'd he end up marrying you anyway?

Grandma: I forced him to accept my love.

Lewa: O_O Okay... I'm... gonna go... step outside.

*Lewa then runs out of there like a mad cow, opening and then slamming the door shut on his way out.*

Lewa: Well, that takes care of that. I guess nothing left but to go back to my "adorable" sister that I love so much.

*Later on after a convenient time skip...*

Macku: Nothing again, huh?

Lewa: Nope. She did promise me candy, though.

Macku: Now for my birthday present. I'm going to let you have it for one day.

Lewa: At least it's one more present than what Grandma gives me.

Macku: Happy Birthday! It's my favorite telescope!

Lewa: Nice.

Macku: It's my most favorite possession in the world, and I want to share it with you, but you can only have it for one day.

Lewa: I’m going to look at things while you ramble on.

*As Macku rambles on with her semi-non-coherent rambling, Lewa looks around the island.*

Lewa: Oh, hey look, it's the postman.

*Indeed it was. The Rito postman was delivering some mail. But all of a sudden, he starts flapping his winds furiously.*

Lewa: What's he freaking out at?

*That's when he sees a giant mutant Nivawk with something in its claws, as well as a pirate ship shooting at it.*

Lewa: It's the Black Pearl!

Macku: That's not the Black Pearl. Why doesn't it have the all-black sails?

*What REALLY caught Lewa’s attention was a Toa of water in the talons of the bird. As the bird was hit by the cannons of the ship, the girl was released and she fell to her doom.*

Lewa: Well, that’s not something you see every day. Look at the fat bird. Quick, hide the children!

Macku: You should go over there and help the girl.

Lewa: You’re still here? Well, you might be right. And she does look cute.

Macku: Cuter than me?

Lewa: Yes. It’s not that difficult, you know. Even that “Toa Tuyet” I read about is cuter than you.

Macku: But look where she fell. You're gonna need something to cut your way through. Why not talk to that crazy old guy Grandma tells us not to talk to?

Lewa: You're right! I could totally swipe-steal something from him!

Macku: >_>

Lewa: I mean, learn the ways of the sword.

*Another time skip later...*

*Lewa walks in and there is an aging Toa of Fire throwing himself against the wall.*

Lewa: Uh... Toa Norik?

Norik: Huh? Oh. Why if it isn't young Lewa.

Lewa: Why are you doing that? Is it part of some special ancient training?

Norik: No. I just have this really bad cramp in my left shoulder. It hurts!

Lewa: Wow... You really do sound like Kagome's Grandpa.

Norik: What do you need, young one?

Lewa: I need to go rescue some cute girl who fell into the woods.

*Those words were enough to make Norik drop his spear.*

Lewa: Are you going to help me or not?

Norik: As an advocate of love, I shall. I'm glad you didn't turn out anything like my brother upstairs. He's all about books and knowledge and PPPPBBBBTTT!!!

*For the heck of it, Norik rams into the wall once last time, not only popping his shoulder back in place, but (from the sound of it) making a bunch of pots from upstairs fall and break.*

Iruini's voice: You blasted hooligan! Can't you see that I, the hard-reading Iruini, am trying my best to study?!

Norik: You keep doing that, you page-turning old loon! Now, then, let us begin, Lewa. Take this sword. I don't use it for much of anything.

Lewa: Who's was this?

Norik: I don't remember. All I remember was that I took it from him while he was screaming "I hate you" because of the pain inflicted upon him.

Lewa: O_O

*They both bow and then slowly but surely, Norik teaches him how to do some of the proper techniques, as laid down by the Hero of Time. After another convenient time skip, Lewa begins his trek up towards the woods.*

Lewa: Stupid sign.

*Lewa chops down the "DANGER!!!" sign that blocked his path.*

Lewa: Screw the rules, I have a sword.

*Lewa went up the boring path up the mountain and over a bridge and in between the red an green apple trees. At the top of the mountain where he met this newcomer who didn’t actually fall to her doom. She just fell a very long ways. And got caught on a tree branch.*

Lewa: And there she is. Wait... what's that up there.

*Overhead, there were some birds that looked like that big ugly one from earlier except smaller carrying some equally ugly creatures in their talons. The birds dropped said creatures.*

Lewa: Oh, no, a bunch of goblins with high-pitched squealy voices!

*Lewa takes out the sword given to him by Norik and proceeds to fight them and kill them. I get bored writing fight sequences with field enemies, okay? Anyway, after they were all done with, Lewa turned his attention back over to the mysterious girl... who proceeded to wake up.*

Nera: Huh...? BWAAAHH!!!

*Startled by the fact she was suspended in mid-air by a tree branch, she begins struggling and squirming until the branch gives way and she falls on her rear.*

Lewa: Oh, right. I should have caught her.

Nera: Ugh... Stupid tree. You just made the list.

*She takes out a small notebook with the words "Revenge List" etched on the front cover from her satchel and flips it over to a specific page and scribbles down "Stupid island tree." Right beneath the names "Santa Claus," "Count Drewku," and "Dr. Colossol."*

Nera: Stupid island tree, you've made a new enemy today.

Lewa: Who are you?

Nera: I could ask you the same thing.

Lewa: Common island dweller.

Nera: Okay. So where am I?

Lewa: Outset Island. And hey, I’m asking the questions here!

Brutaka: Miss Nera, I finally found you.

Nera: D’oh, Brutaka, I thought I told you to never go blurting out stuff.

Brutaka: I’m sorry, Miss Nera, but you know how I get when I’m hungry.

Nera: I’ll let you off.

*Another boring walk later.*

Lewa: So who are you?

Brutaka: I’m a pirate.

Nera: Brutaka!

Lewa: He’s a pirate?

Brutaka: I’m a pirate.

Nera: Stop talking! Both of you!

Brutaka: We’re all pirates.

Nera: Oh, Brutaka, you’re so slow in the head.

Macku, from afar: Big brother!

Lewa: Oh, it’s you. Hey, I found some pirates.

Nera: No, I’m not.

Brutaka: Yes, you are.

*Nera smacks Brutaka on the head and Brutaka cries out.*

Brutaka: Is there anyone out there as unlucky as me?

*In the irony of his words, the giant bird swoops in and takes Macku.*

Macku: Bye, big brother!

Lewa: Oh, no, you don’t, you stupid bird! You’re not going to force me on some epic trek-quest!

*Lewa runs off the edge of a cliff (SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER!!), but Nera grabs him before he falls.*

Nera: By the goddesses, you’re a moron…

*Somewhere in the heavens…*

Nayru: Think we should have chosen someone else to be our hero?

Din: Maybe we should stop choosing them like this.

Farore: Puppies make me smile!

Nayru and Din: Shut up, Farore!

[Control_Vee]

Hmm... Well. This is an interesting comedy you've written, though unfortunately I didn't find it all that funny. I was amused a bit about the 'I'm a pirate' part, but otherwise it just seemed a little bit too random/tried a little too hard to be funny. I noticed a few spelling errors here and there as well - 'Dr. Collosol' - Colossal is the correct spelling, unless this was intentional. Then where the postman was 'flapping his winDs furiously'. Aside from that, pay a bit more attention to your punctuation - emphasize things a bit more smoothly. If Brutaka was looking for Nera, you'd think he'd be a little more enthusiastic about finding her. "Miss Nera, I finally found you." sounds a bit flat, whilst something like "Miss Nera (, or ! can work here) I finally found you!" would sound like he's happier that he 'finally' found her. A good idea is to read out your story once it's finished - just read it in entirety, perhaps out loud if you feel necessary, to see how it feels - how it flows.

 

So, in a nutshell... Focus a little bit more on the punctuation and grammar (Run it through a spell checker, then look over it for any errors, for example), and refine your humor a little, and you'll be golden. Good luck!