The Bz-Nui Hack Wars

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Okay, I'm back. FINALLY. Since it seems every time I declare that I'm going to finally stick to a schedule and post more frequently, I get delayed even MORE, I'm not going to say it this time. But sorry for the delay once again. I'm going to post a more detalied explanation/apology for my absence in my blog as well. Though I will say, it will probably be much longer before Gabriella returns, so I'll be taking this comedy solo for the time being. She's going through some rough times right now.

 

@Sonis: Thanks! It's nice to have a new face around the topic.

 

@Festus: Well, there aren't TOO many chapters left that Gabriella and I originally had planned. However, there just might be a sequel...

 

@Alaki: Good to see you again, welcome back! (Is it really "again" if the last time you were here it was in the old topic? Hmm...)

 

The BZ-Nui Hack Wars

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 14: Hacking Plan R

 

Two Random Henchmen walked nervously down the corridors of the FiB Forum Tower, on the highest level of the tower. They had been summoned to the chamber of The Bawsz himself, following their collective failure to stop the invaders from freeing their prisoners. They were understandably nervous, as in every story ever, the bad guy always punished this type of failure by killing his own men. As they drew closer to the entrance to The Bawsz's profile, they started walking slower and slower. Eventually, they were walking so slow that they were actually walking backwards, despite the fact that this made absolutely no sense. "Um..." said Random Henchman #52, "why don't you open the door?"

 

"No way, how about you do it?" offered his companion, Random Henchman #26.

 

"What? No, no, why me!? You should totally do it! Besides, I'm busy."

 

"Busy with what?"

 

"Oh, you know...stuff. Like, umm, ironing...my...dentures?"

 

Turaga Vakama randomly appeared. "Hey, I have that excuse copyrighted, you young whippersnapper!" he protested, smacking both Random Henchmen upside the head with his firestaff. Then, Keetongu appeared, shouting that he had copyrights copyrighted, and chased the Turaga out of the comedy.

 

With a , both Random Henchmen stared after the two randomly appearing characters. "That was weird," muttered Random Henchman #26.

 

Then, the entrance to The Bawsz's profile suddenly slid open, causing the two Random Henchmen to jump in shock. "Enter," growled The Bawsz in his best impression of a stereotypical evil overlord voice. Not seeing any other options, they entered.

 

"You two have greatly disappointed me. Well, actually, it wasn't just you two," The Bawsz stated. "But since you are the only ones unharmed by the recent battle, you get to suffer the blame for it." His hand moved ominously toward a nearby sinister-looking lever.

 

"NO! Don't kill me, please, I'll do anything, I'll even use this emoticon ==> just don't kill me no no no no no! " shouted one of the Random Henchmen noobishly.

 

“What he said, except with better emoticon usage,” said his companion.

 

The Bawsz shrugged. “Don’t worry, I won’t kill you,” he said. Then he pulled the lever, and a trapdoor opened up beneath the two Random Henchmen, plunging them into a pit that was completely devoid of anything except for a set of massive speakers, which were blasting the worst music in the entire world at a very high volume into the Random Henchmen’s ears. “See? You’re still alive…” Then the trapdoor slid shut, drowning out the cacophony of the Henchmen screaming and the worst music in the entire world playing.

 

The profile entrance slid open again, and a Barely At All Mysterious Cloaked Guy entered. This was, incidentally, the same one who had been interrogated by Mesonak and Gabriella earlier, so he wasn’t all that mysterious any more. “You summoned me?” he asked.

 

“Yes. Barely At All Mysterious Cloaked Guy, despite your repeated failures, I am not going to drop you into the Pit of Eternal Awful Music. Mainly because you are the only other bad guy besides me who gets to appear more than once throughout this comedy.”

 

“ ” emoticonned the BAAMCG.

 

“Never mind. Anyway, I am going to need your help on the next part of my evil plans. It is time for us to implement...Hacking Plan R.”

 

“Hacking Plan R? Why not just call it “A?”"

 

“Because we already tried Hacking Plans A through Q, and none of them worked.”

 

“Oh. In that case, let’s hope we succeed before you run out of letters. What are we doing with this plan?”

 

The Bawsz made an evil sigh and leaned back in his evil chair…ok, enough, we already did that joke. “These so-called ‘Randomness Warriors’ are proving to be more trouble than we had anticipated. They just might succeed in reinstating that banned comedy author after all.”

 

“Why does that matter? What’s so important about that one author?”

 

“He has respect. Admiration. Non-proto-reductionishness. How dare his multi-chaptered, lengthy comedies succeed where ‘My Big Fat Greeck Epic’ failed!? That work was a masterpiece of literature! And all successful authors on BZPower shall be punished for their bias against me. ALL of them!”

 

“Yes, Bawsz, of course…So, what exactly does Plan R entail?”

 

“Plan R. Yes. I will explain the details to you in due time, but for now, know this: through this plan, I shall shatter the Randomness Warriors once and for all. I will turn them all against each other until no allies of Lewa0111 remain unbanned. MUAHAHAHAHA!” he added, with an .

 

“ ” agreed the BAAMCG.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

Neelh, Vakama Montana, and the others had, at long last, finished posting their message of help for Lewa0111 to every social networking site they could find. With their mission completed, they had returned to BZ-Nui and the Comedies forum, getting back to their usual routines as they waited for the other two groups of Randomness Warriors to return. Valkor, having nothing in particular to do, headed back to the Randomness Warriors’ makeshift headquarters, glancing periodically at his nonexistent watch. “It shouldn’t take this long to talk to Gold 14,” he muttered to nobody in particular, wondering about the long absence of Gabriella’s group.

 

“Who’s talking to Gold 14?” asked a random member named Nobody In Particular.

 

“ ” Valkor emoticonned, and Nobody in Particular ran off.

 

“That was weird,” commented Neelh. “And by weird, I mean completely normal for Comedies, but still.”

 

“Guys, be quiet,” Vakama Montana ordered, as he held up a hand and glanced toward the entrance to the headquarters topic. “Somebody’s coming.”

 

They all peered through the hyperlink at the approaching figures, tensed for combat in case it turned out to be a group of Ferrets in Beige. Luckily, though, it wasn’t. “Gabriella? Takuma?” asked Vakama Montana. “You’re back! How did it go?”

 

“Well, let’s just say it could have gone a lot better,” muttered Mesonak. “Strangely, all the moderators decided to do in response to this is start banning more members, which really won’t help anything.”

 

“So we’re on our own again?” Neelh put in.

 

“Don’t worry, guys,” said Takuma reassuringly. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I’ve come up with a way we can fix this problem ourselves, as the Randomness Warriors. It seems like our third group has made contact with Lewa0111, which will make this all a lot easier.”

 

“ ” said Jovan2. “How do you know that?”

 

With a , Takuma pulled a communicator out of his nonexistent pocket. “With this conveniently appeared communicator, of course! I’ve been keeping in touch with -Blackout- this whole time.”

 

“Oh for the love of plotholes,” groaned Vakama Montana. “So what’s your plan?”

 

“Don’t worry, Vakama Montana, I already told Mesonak and Gabriella about it and they approved it, seeing as they’re our leaders. As for the plan itself—”

 

“V.M. Torious,” corrected Vakama Montana.

 

“What?”

 

“I changed my name,” explained Vakam—I mean, V.M. Torious. “It’s V.M. Torious now.”

 

“You can do that?”

 

V.M. Torious shrugged. “Of course. It’s been 90 days since my last name-change, after all.”

 

“Cool! I think I’ll change my name to “Mesonokonokoweifoaiusefrihjgiuhasihdfijalsjdfoiajouwehfrnak the Seventeenth!”

 

“ ” said Gabriella.

 

“Fine...you never let me have any fun…”

 

Takuma cleared his throat. “Well, if we’re done discussing name-changes, can we get back to the point here? Anyway, my plan. Now that we have contact with Lewa0111, we can absolutely prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is innocent, especially when combined with his past record here on BZP. I say we use that and spread information around BZ-Nui, recruiting members to sign a petition that will eventually bring enough force to unseal the gateway for Lewa0111, letting him back in. Once he’s back inside BZ-Nui, he will then be able to confront Gold 14 himself and request an un-banning.”

 

“I already kinda did that,” Neelh pointed out. “Well, at least the spreading recruitment information part.”

 

“Great! Then we’re already on the right track!”

 

“But why would it make any difference if it’s us or Lewa0111 himself who requests the un-banning?” inquired Valkor. “Won’t Gold 14 just brush him off the same way he did to you?”

 

Gabriella then stood up to talk, despite the fact that she wasn’t sitting in the first place. “Actually, there’s a really weird rule in the BZ-Nui Code that states that the only way moderators are required to consider an un-banning is if the banned member himself contacts them directly. Never mind the fact that normally a banned member can’t get into BZ-Nui to contact them, but that’s just what the rules say. See, it’s right here,” she added with a , as she produced a copy of the BZ-Nui Code and handed it to them. Sure enough, the rule in question was right there on the page.

 

“You know, at this point, I’m not even surprised anymore. Let’s just go ahead with your plan,” Vakama Montana said. Then he glanced up at the author. “I THOUGHT WE DISCUSSED THIS, MY NAME IS V.M. TORIOUS!”

 

Well, sorry, just calm down! Look, you just changed your name in-story a few paragraphs ago, how was I supposed to remember—

 

“Just remember, that’s what! You can’t go around forgetting guest stars’ names, you know…”

 

It just takes some getting used to, that’s all! I’ll try not to forget any more, how’s that?

 

“Okay, fair enough. Hey, wait a second, is that Lewa0111 writing this comedy? Sure looks an awful lot like him…” said V.M. Torious.

 

Actually, I’m Lewa0111 Nuva. Lewa0111’s future form, as it were. In the future, after this whole banning fiasco was resolved, I decided to write a comedy based on what was happening. So I’m the Author Lewa0111, and the guy you’re trying to un-ban is Past Lewa0111. Does that make sense?

 

“ ” was V.M. Torious’s only reply.

 

“Is it just me, or is reality beginning to collapse? I suggest we stay as far away from talking with the author as possible,” Gabriella observed. “Now, Takuma, let’s put our plan into motion!”

 

Next: The RW are shattered, and the final conflict dawns!

 

~Lewa# Studios

 

Lewa0111 Nuva

Edited September 21, 2014 by Lewa0111 Nuva

[Phovos]

“What he said, except with better emoticon usage,” said his companion.

That, sir, is an amazing line.Well, I think this is a great comedy. I do enjoy the way you've described how BZP is and how everyone moves around and stuff (travelling through hyperlinks, etc). My niggle is that maybe you could describe some feelings and emotions rather than always using emoticons. ¬_¬ isn't really scary enough to scare someone off.

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

*gasp*

*pants*

*gasp*

*pants*

*pants*

*shirts*

*socks*

*shoes*

 

...It's been a long road, but I finally fixed all the formatting issues plaguing this comedy. You have no idea how frustrating searching for paragraph breaks is in a prose comedy. For those of you who are unaware, shortly after the last chapter was posted, the forums went down due to YET ANOTHER hacking (this comedy is going to turn into a series at this point) and when they came back up, many posts had had their formatting messed with so that all line breaks/"Enter" key usage were removed. Needless to say, for a writer, this was a massive pain. But at long last, all of my stuff has been fixed!

 

(Gabriella's chapters are still broken for the time being, but with BIONICLE's revival and other various reasons, she will be returning to BZP soon. With luck she'll be willing to fix her chapters then, too!)

 

And now, at long last:

 

The BZ-Nui Hack Wars

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 15: Betrayal?

 

Lewa0111 was sitting on the island of LEGO-Nui, bored. Though he had so far managed to avoid returning to the dreaded Lego Message Boards, there wasn't much else to do on the island, and so he had taken a visit to Bionicle-Metru and amused himself with a few friendly games of Glatorian Arena. Now, though, he sat on the shore of the island, twirling his katana aimlessly as he gazed across the water in a random direction that he pretended was actually the direction of BZ-Nui. (Ironically, he was in fact facing the opposite direction). With BZ-Nui still closed to him and the Ferrets in Beige Forum Tower now locked down tightly against all intruders, there was little he could do to help the Randomness Warriors other than wait for additional contact. He sighed. Waiting was frustrating.

 

"Boo," said a suddenly appearing Alaki from behind him.

 

Lewa0111 jumped, accidentally falling into the water, and screamed like a little Ga-Matoran. " " emoticonned Alaki.

 

"Don't do that! You scared me half to death..."

 

"Yeah, I noticed. The girly scream and falling into the water were big hints," responded Alaki sarcastically. "It really was funny, though. Anyway, we tried everything. That Forum Tower is sealed up tight."

 

Lewa0111 shook some water out of his mask. "Was that all you randomly appeared here to tell me?"

 

"No, I did that to be funny. I was actually here the whole time, believe it or not..."

 

Lewa0111 sighed. "Somehow I'm not even surprised. What about the others?"

 

"They're getting ready to head back to BZ-Nui, see if we can meet up with the rest of the Randomness Warriors and induct Zeskii--I mean, Festus--into the group. I guess you'll just have to wait until one of us makes it back out here to tell you our next move. Hopefully someone's thought of a plan by now."

 

"Figures. I just wish there was something I could do."

 

Alaki shrugged and sat down next to Lewa0111. "I know, but it can't be helped. If you could get into BZ-Nui with the rest of us, there would be no need for the Randomness Warriors in the first place, which would mean you'd still be banned, which would mean the RW would be needed, which would mean you'd want to help, which would make the universe explode or something. Paradoxes have a tendency to do that." Behind them, two doctors randomly appeared. Sighing, Alaki said, "Paradox, not pair of docs." The doctors vanished as randomly as they had come.

 

With a , Lewa0111 gazed out over the horizon once again. "I'll find something to do to pass the time. Don't worry about me!"

 

"You know, I never really got a chance to thank you for the battle back there. If it wasn't for you and -Blackout- I'd still be hacked. That was a creepy feeling, not gonna lie."

 

"The videos on a certain unmentionable video island are pretty hilarious, though. Have you seen them? 'Alaki in G Major,' 'Alaki laughs evilly for 10 minutes,' 'YTP: Alaki and the Red Eyes of Doom.' I have to admit, I did laugh at some of those."

 

"Can't say I have. Hmm, maybe I could sue for a copyright claim and get some widgets from those videos..."

 

Lewa0111's eyes widened. "Not a good idea."

 

Alaki barely had time to wonder why this was when a certain yellow Rahi emerged from nowhere and started trying to beat the BZP member up. Lewa0111 shrugged and summoned a hyperlink boat to take him to [NAME OF UNMENTIONABLE SITE CENSORED]-Nui. It was time to take a look at the latest video from user "BadowShionics" to cheer him up. He owed Alaki for reminding him of those hilarious videos!

 

 

* * *

 

 

Much later, in BZ-Nui, Gabriella was wandering the forums. Elsewhere on the island, she knew Mesonak, Takuma, Gerlicky, and the others were doing the same, asking members if they knew about the recent bannings and/or if they were familiar with Lewa0111. Already she had collected 8,999 signatures. It would have been one more but she had deleted the last signature to keep it from becoming an overused phrase. As she passed the Main Page, she spotted -Blackout- and the others returning from their mission and walked over to them. -Blackout- and the others spotted Gabriella wandering around and walked over to her.

 

"REDUNDANCY IS REDUNDANT!!" shouted Festus triumphantly, with a for good measure. "It's been ages since I got to say that outside of that stupid prison!"

 

"You must be Vorox Master," Gabriella said. "It's nice to meet you.

 

"It's Festus now," said Festus. "I changed my name again."

 

Gabriella rolled her ryes. "Figures. Seems to be a fad lately..."

 

"Hey, can I have some?" asked ShadowBionics, looking hungrily at the rye bread rolls in Gabriella's hands. She nodded and gave him one. "Thanks!"

 

-Blackout- looked on sadly. "It's times like these that I wish I could eat..." he complained. "What kind are those?"

 

"Typo flavor!"
 

"Hey, can we just get back on track?" asked Festus. "So what exactly are we up to now? I know you guys are trying to unban Lewa0111, but nobody's mentioned any specifics. Anyone got a plan?"

 

"Right, sorry, got a little distracted," said Gabriella. "Well, right now we're going throughout BZ-Nui and collecting signatures for a petition. We found a loophole in the Code that will allow Lewa0111 himself to request his own un-banning, since Gold 14 won't listen to any of us. With enough signatures, we should be able to overpower the Forum Gate and temporarily let him in long enough to make the request." Then she frowned. "Hey, where's Alaki?"

 

"Last I heard, Alaki was indisposed by a certain yellow Rahi..." muttered ShadowBionics.

 

"Not again..."

 

"Well? What are we waiting for?" demanded Festus. "Let's get spreading the word! These petitions won't sign themselves!" Gabriella handed petitions to each of the new arrivals, and Festus glanced down at his own. The first line came pre-filled in, with a signature reading [Petition]. "...Or maybe they do..."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Much, much later, most of the Randomness Warriors had finished an exhausting day of collecting signatures, and were finally able to return to their makeshift headquarters in Completely Off Topic for some much needed rest. Festus looked puzzled as he glanced at the topic title. "Why are we hiding in the 'Official High School Musical 9,321 Topic?"

 

"Gabriella's idea. Don't ask," muttered Gerlicky. "Anyway, it's nice to meet you. Welcome to the Randomness Warriors!"

 

"Hey, that's my line!" complained Mesonak.

 

"Wow, I just finished totaling up the signatures. We have 67 thousand! Great job everyone!" exclaimed Gabriella excitedly. "That's got to be enough to open up the Main Gate and let Lewa0111 through!!"

 

A cheer went up from the assembled BZ-Nui members. "So now what?" asked V.M. Torious.

 

"Well, somebody can go and let Lewa0111 know--hang on, what's this?" Gabriella paused for a moment as her Personal Messenger started ringing. She pulled it out and looked at the screen. "Okay, ha ha, very funny. Who invited me to my own petition?"

 

Mesonak leaned over. "Huh, that is weird." The title of the message read "UNBAN LEWA0111 JOIN THE PETITION."

 

They looked around at the assembled crowd, but no one had apparently sent the message. "Who's it from?" asked Takuma.

 

Gabriella glared at Mesonak. "You, apparently."

 

"What the--Me!? I never sent anything. I swear I haven't even touched my Personal Messenger!"

 

"Well, let's take a look, then..." Gabriella opened up the message and recoiled immediately, slamming the 'delete' button out of reflex. "GAH! It's from the Ferrets in Beige!"

 

Almost instantly, weapons, Toa tools, and other random objects were all raised and pointed at Mesonak. "Oh, come on, everyone," Takuma said in an effort to defuse the situation. "Do you really think Mesonak of all people is a spy? He created the Randomness Warriors in the first place, for crying out loud!"

 

"Good point," observed Mesonak. "Guys? Can we calm down? I don't like pointy things when the pointy things are in my face, thank you very much."

 

"Aww," murmured Neelh, "no sea urchins, then?"

 

"Especially no sea urchins." Mesonak shuddered at the thought. "Bad memories..."

 

While all of this was going on, Gabriella had been pondering the situation. "Mesonak, can I see your Personal Messenger for a second?" She browsed through the 'sent' list on the messenger until she found the offending message. "This was sent last night. You were sound asleep! But how--"

 

The same realization dawned on her, Takuma's, and Mesonak's faces at the same time. "Oh, no..." mettered Musonak muttered Mesonak. ( )

 

"Mesonak...you're being hacked."

 

 

* * *

 

 

Lewa0111 had just left [NAME OF UNMENTIONABLE SITE CENSORED]-Nui, considerably happier than he had been before. He decided to wander over to Google-Nui again for a while and see if he could find anything interesting, but noticed his hyperlink boat was missing. "That's weird..." he muttered to nobody in particular.

 

"What's weird?" asked a random citizen named Nobody In Particular, walking up behind him.

 

"My boat is gone, and who are you anyway?"

 

"Nobody In Particular."

 

"Okay then. I'm not even going to ask...."

 

Nobody In Particular pointed to several other Hyperlink Boats emerging from the distance. "Couldn't you just use one of those?"

 

"Well, yeah. Guess I'll just wait."

 

"Where are you going?"

 

"Google-Nui, and why do you want to know?"

 

"I'm your new sidekick!"

 

" " emoticonned Lewa0111. "I don't need a sidekick. Don't you have anything better to do?"

 

"Nope!"

 

Because he was distracted by this conversation, Lewa0111 failed to notice the Hyperlink Boats from earlier landing on the shore, each one disgorging a multitude of Random Henchmen and Mysterious Cloaked Guys, led by the Barely At All Mysterious Cloaked Guy. By the time he realized what was going on, the author was already surrounded. Nobody In Particular had vanished in the commotion. "Okay, we've got you surrounded," declared the BAAMCG. "Put your weapon down and come with us now, or we'll get you banned from BZ-Nui forever!"

 

Lewa0111 looked at the BAAMCG in confusion, still holding his katana. "Umm, you realize that already happened, right? So why should I put down my weapon?"

 

The BAAMCG scratched his head. "Hmm...umm..." Before the enemy leader could come up with a good comeback, Lewa0111 summoned a randomly appearing pogo stick and pogoed over the heads of three startled Random Henchmen, escaping the circle. "AFTER HIM!"

 

"Whee! This is fun!" shouted Nobody In Particular, pogoing alongside Lewa0111.

 

"Where did you come from?"

 

"Your side, duh. I'm your sidekick!" To demonstrate, Nobody In Particular folded himself into Lewa0111's Member's Pocket and then unfolded back out again. "See?"

 

"Uh...sure. Do you see any boats around here?"

 

Nobody In Particular pointed to a spare Hyperlink Boat at a dock up ahead. "There!"

 

"Hold on tight!" Lewa0111 stuffed Nobody In Particular into his pocket and pogoed as hard as he could onto one of the pursuing Mysterious Cloaked Guys, who was riding a unicycle. Since both pogo sticks and unicycles are inherently funny modes of transportation, the humor somehow made them fuse into a POGOCYCLE! The POGOCYCLE! propelled Lewa0111, the pocketed Nobody In Particular, and the Mysterious Cloaked Guy all forward in a massive jump that sent them hurtling directly into the boat. Lewa0111 typed in Google-Nui and they sped off at once.

 

Nobody In Particular unpocketed himself. "Nice one! But what are you going to do about him?" He pointed to the Mysterious Cloaked Guy.

 

"What Mysterious Cloaked Guy?" asked Lewa0111 as he casually kicked the FiB member over the side of the boat. " "

 

"Cool! Does this mean I'm your sidekick now?"

 

"No."

 

"Aww..."

 

Next: More sidekick shenanigans, a very random civil war, and...umm...stuff! Yeah! Stuff!

 

~Lewa# Studios

 

Lewa0111 Nuva

[25K Now!]

Well, it's been a while since I've read this.

 

Nice to see that you're back.

 

Time to start binge-reading from the start.

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Another chapter already!? What is this madness?

 

King Leonidas: Madness? THIS! IS!--

 

*shoves Leonidas out of the topic due to overused quote*

 

Sorry about that. Anyway, yes, this is the new and improved Lewa0111 who releases chapters more than twice a year, so here’s another chapter of Hack Wars for everyone! Wonder how long I’ll keep this up… (Spoiler alert: probably one week )

 

Also, thanks for replying, Onarax! It’s nice to see this hasn’t been completely forgotten!

 

The BZ-Nui Hack Wars

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 16: Divided We Slip On Banana Peels

 

“ “ glared Lewa0111.

 

“ “ biggrinned Nobody In Particular.

 

“‘Biggrinned? That’s not even a word,” the author complained. His self-appointed “sidekick” ignored this and continued to grin happily as he watched the approaching continent of Google-Nui. “So what are you going to do when we get there, anyway?”

 

“Whatever you do; I’m your sidekick, remember?”

 

Lewa0111 facepalmed. “For the last time, no, you’re not. I don’t need a sidekick, and you’re annoying.”

 

“I AM NOT ANNOYING!”

 

“You’re making it worse.”

 

“I AM NOT MAKING IT WORSE BECAUSE REASONS SO YEAH I’M NOT ANNOYING LET ME BE YOUR SIDEKICK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEEEEASE????” shouted Nobody in Particular, right in Lewa0111’s ear.

 

It took all of Lewa0111’s restraint not to push him over the side of the boat, but finally the two of them docked on the shores of Google-Nui. As usual, Scams, Advertisements, and all manner of other unsavory creatures roamed the area, but Lewa0111 calmly bashed them all aside with his katana. Nobody in Particular continued to follow him, glued to his feet and jabbering incessantly the entire time. Lewa0111, getting a sudden idea, proceeded to the nearest search portal to try his best to throw the annoying character off his trail….

 

“Google Search: Random Emoticons”

 

“Google Search: Tacos”

 

“Google Search: El Goog”

 

“Google Search: Bouncy Balls”

 

“Google Search: Robotic Robots”

 

“Google Search: Non-Robotic Robots”

 

“Google Search: How To Get Rid Of Annoying Sidekicks”

 

“Goodle Search: How To Spell ‘Google’”

 

“Gewgle Search: How To Spell ‘Google’ Properly”

 

“G00gle Search: How To Spell ‘Google’ In Non-Leet Speak”

 

“Google Search: That’s Much Better, Thank You”

 

“Google Search: Berrets in Feige”

 

“Google Search: Berets in Face”

 

“Google Search: Seriously Why Won’t This Sidekick Leave Me Alone!?”

 

“Google Search: Pohatu, You’re Not Helping”

 

“Google Search: How To Make The Most Random Google Search Possible”

 

“Google Search: Inflatable Llamas Dancing In A Pit Of Sea Urchins While A Tapdancing Hippo Posts Pictures On Facetwitspaceuponblrtube Of A Banana Eating A Monkey And Some Living Pencils Dig For Treasure In The Background Also Why Is This Search So Stupidly Long?”

 

Despite jumping through dozens of random search portals to try to shake the self-appointed “sidekick” off, he somehow was unable to lose him. Finally, exhausted from the string of searches, he looked down at Nobody In Particular. “Okay, you win,” he conceded. “For the love of Al Gore, how did you manage to follow me through all of those crazy searches?”

 

“In case you didn’t notice, I didn’t actually have a choice. Some jokester superglued me to your feet,” he said, pointing down to where he was indeed glued to Lewa0111’s feet. “Otherwise I probably would’ve lost you after the second search. Now could you unstick me, please?”

 

“At least that explains it,” said Lewa0111, sighing. He sat down and pulled out his katana, ready to try his best to separate the two of them. “But if I unstick you, you need to promise to leave me alone. I don’t need a sidekick.”

 

“What about if I paid you some widgets instead and I get to keep being your sidekick?”

 

“Hmm…” the former BZP member pondered. “How many widgets?”

 

Nobody In Particular emptied his pockets, revealing seven and a half centiwidgets, a couple of dust bunnies, a krana for some reason, and a pile of dog food. “This much?” he offered, holding out the assortment of junk.

 

“You’ve got to be kidding…”

 

* * *

 

Back on BZ-Nui, the “Official HSM 9,321 Topic” was filled with tension directed at Mesonak with the revelation that he had been hacked. “Okay, okay,” said Gabriella, “can we all just calm down? Lewa0111 got hacked too; heck, that’s what started this whole mess, and we don’t hate him. Why should it be any different here?”

 

“Who knows what he might do?” asked someone in the crowd. “He could attack us at any time!”

 

“I won’t do anything, I swear!” protested Mesonak.

 

“Quiet, you,” said one of those random Matoran who were just there for the free food. HEY, I thought we weren’t mentioning them ever again! Oh well.

 

Takuma stood up in the front of the topic, next to Gabriella. “I agree with her; we can’t afford to turn on our own right now. We need all the help we can get, and Mesonak won’t attack anyone while he’s awake. All we have to do is guard him while he sleeps to make sure he doesn’t do anything bad.”

 

“Normally I like my privacy, but that sounds a lot better than shoving sharp objects in my face,” Mesonak agreed. “Let’s go with that option. Okay? Okay.”

 

“Not okay,” -Blackout- stated. “You’re a great guy, Mesonak, but we just can’t afford to take chances. Why don’t we just kick him out of the group and be done with it?”

 

“Two reasons,” V.M. Torious countered, standing up beside Gabriella and Takuma. “A) because he’d just cause more hacked chaos in his sleep and get himself banned, and 2) because we wouldn’t do that to anyone in this group, so why him?”

 

Festus raised his hand. “Umm, why did you just say A) and then 2)?”

 

“Because if you do the A) format but with the second letter of the alphabet instead, it turns into a emoticon,” V.M. explained, with sunglasses appearing on his head as he did so. “It’s one of those weird BZ-Nui things that makes no sense, just go with it.”

 

“Huh. Okay, but I agree with -Blackout-. I know what the Ferrets in Beige are capable of and I don’t want them to cause more problems for us here. Once we beat them, then Mesonak can rejoin us, okay?”

 

Gabriella shook her head. “Mesonak stays.”

 

As tensions continued to escalate, a hyperlink suddenly appeared and a very exhausted-looking Alaki fell through it. “Gasp...wheeze...pant...oh hi guys, sorry I’m late…”

 

“Any idea why Alaki’s just saying “gasp, wheeze, pant” instead of actually making the sounds?” muttered ShadowBionics.

 

“Yeah, weird, no idea,” Neelh whispered back. “But I think it must have been a Keetongu attack.”

 

“How can you tell?”

 

“The copyright symbol indented into the shoulder armor. That’s how Keetongu punches,” Neelh explained.

 

Alaki unsteadily stood up. “Stupid yellow Rahi….Anyway, I’m here. Lewa0111 is doing more-or-less fine, and I told him we’d send someone to let him know when we have a plan.” Then the newcomer looked around, noticing all of the glares and emoticons being flung about the room. “Is it Glare Emoticon Volleyball time already? I thought that wasn’t until July!”

 

“Mesonak’s been hacked,” ShadowBionics told Alaki. “And they don’t see anything wrong with keeping him in the group.” He gestured toward Gabriella, Takuma, and V.M.

 

During the commotion, Jovan2 and ibrow had also stood up to side with Gabriella and co. Both the pro-Mesonak and anti-Mesonak groups had taken sides on either side of the topic, staring down one another. Alaki walked over to the pro-Mesonak side. “So was I, remember,” Alaki said to ShadowBionics, “and nobody kicked me out. Why are we fighting ourselves over this?”

 

“That’s what I’ve been wondering…” Gabriella muttered. “Thanks, Alaki.”

 

With tensions reaching a breaking point, Valkor couldn’t take it any longer. He pulled out a report button and chucked it at Mesonak. Luckily, ibrow blocked the attack just in time. “Oh, it is on in a manner similar to that of a famous video-game primate! That’s it!” ibrow yelled. “Wouldn’t want to risk another Keetongu attack, after all,” he remarked to Alaki, referring to his dodging of a copyrighted phrase.

 

Immediately the topic dissolved into chaos. Pie, cheese, report buttons, tpyos, music notes, various! types? of& punctuation% and other things were getting thrown about, missing their targets as often as they were hitting them. Gabriella tried futilely to restore order, but no one was paying any attention. Takuma had taken it upon himself to protect Mesonak and get him out of the hot zone, and he slowly snuck the hacked member around the borders of the topic, inching steadily toward the hyperlink and blocking attacks as necessary. Jovan2 pulled out a whoopie cushion and slid it under one of -Blackout-’s massive feet. When the cushion went off, the massive robot retaliated with a foghorn concealed in a compartment, nearly blowing everyone’s eardrums out had Gabriella not countered with a burst of music that cancelled out the noise. Valkor saw a chance and tossed a sea urchin Mesonak’s way, but Gerlicky swatted it out of the air with a giant flyswatter. V.M. and ShadowBionics, meanwhile, were involved in a duel of their own, launching cheese, pies, cheesy pies, and piey cheese back and forth. Everything was quickly covered in a sticky, delicious mess due to their constantly missing their targets.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

While all of this was going on, though Mesonak was still in control of his own body, someone was secretly watching through his eyes. Someone called The Bawsz. “Excellent...this is just perfect…” he stated evilly. “The time is right. Barely At All Mysterious Cloaked Guy, attack Lewa0111. Random Henchman #35, lead our forces into BZ-Nui. Activate all hacked members. Destroy the Randomness Warriors!”

 

“Uh...Bawsz? Your communicator is off,” Random Henchman #6, on guard duty in The Bawsz’s quarters, pointed out.

 

With a , The Bawsz turned on his communicator. Then he repeated his ominous monologue. This time, both the BAAMCG and Random Henchman #35 responded. “Excellent. Though I really should read the instruction manual for this communicator one of these days…”

 

Next: The Ferrets strike!

 

~Lewa# Studios

Lewa0111 Nuva

[Pohatu: Uniter of Stone]

Your comedies are legendary! I'm so happy you are back to updating them! (Or at least one.)

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Thanks for the reply, RahkshiToa88! I’m glad you’re enjoying the chapters, here’s another one for you! (Wow, I’m really on a roll…)

 

Pohatu: So am I! *appears balancing on a bread roll*

 

That was weird…

 

The BZ-Nui Hack Wars

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 17: Attack of the Ferrets

 

All across BZ-Nui, something strange was happening.

 

Members everywhere, from the Main Page to the long-abandoned BS01 forums, suddenly found themselves seized by a strange urge. Their eyes, for those who had eyes, all turned the blank white of stereotypical mind-control victims (Hacked Eyes v2.0! Now comes in both Classic Evil Red and New Mind-Control White! Buy yours today!). As one, each and every one of them turned their focus to the Completely Off Topic forums and began to march in unison. Those already in the forum specifically headed directly for the out-of-the-way “Official HSM 9,321 Topic,” from which the sounds of hilarious battle could be heard.

 

Inside the topic in question, Mesonak was starting to struggle, his body seizing up as he appeared to fight with something in his own mind. Takuma looked at him with concern as he blocked an incoming emoticon, which detonated a safe distance away and accidentally set Gabriella’s hair on fire. “Okay, that’s it!!” she shrieked, charging headlong at the source of the emoticon, ShadowBionics. A barrage of absurdly loud rock music filled the air and temporarily rendered everyone deaf.

 

Mesonak mouthed something at Takuma. “What?” asked Takuma, who could barely hear his own voice. Mesonak mouthed something again. “I can’t hear you!”

 

Sighing, Mesonak suddenly yanked off his mask, rendering himself unconscious. Takuma just stared at the awkward sight, wondering what in the Internet was going on, when a loud boom from behind him caused him to turn and look. Expecting something hilarious as usual, he was met with a rather unpleasant sight: hundreds of BZ-Nui members stood illuminated in the doorway that had just been kicked in by one huge, rather large and massive titan-sized member. “Redundancy is--” Festus started to say, but the words caught in his throat as he noticed the sight as well. “Nevermind!”

 

A Random Henchman stepped forward from the group of hacked members. “I am Random Henchman #35, of the Ferrets in Beige,” he proclaimed through a randomly-appeared megaphone. All of the previously fighting Randomness Warriors stopped their duels and turned to look. “We have you trapped and outnumbered. You have nowhere to run. Leave BZ-Nui forever.”

 

“Yeah, how about no?” Gabriella shot back.

 

“Then you get hacked and join us,” Random Henchman #35 answered. “Just like your friend Mesonak. Mesonak, join us!” An awkward pause followed as nothing happened. “Huh. That worked the last 9,321 times I tried this…” Random Henchman #35 pulled out a small device and started fiddling with it, trying to make Mesonak obey him. As a result of the device, he hacked members behind him started to pull off a perfectly choreographed Thriller routine (complete with music) but Mesonak remained unconscious.

 

“That explains it,” muttered Takuma, glancing down at the mask-less Mesonak. “He must have seen this coming.”

 

“Ugh! Fine! Stupid ripoffs...I knew I shouldn’t have shopped at CheapHackingDevices-Nui! Whatever. Hacked members, attack!”

 

Gabriella’s eyes widened at the oncoming horde of hacked members. Everyone readied for battle, but most were too exhausted from the recent civil war to be of much use. “I could really use a plothole right about now,” the leader of the Randomness Warriors said.

 

Seconds later, she found herself teleported away.

 

* * *

 

Meanwhile on Google-Nui, Lewa0111 was busily turning down Nobody In Particular’s repeated attempts to become a sidekick. Luckily for the banned member’s sanity, he spotted a nearby Scam offering “Free Sidekick Lessons! No Credit Card Required!”

 

“Hey, Mr. Scam?”

 

“I am not a Scam, how dare you! I am a perfectly legitimate sales stand! If you aren’t here to sign up for my offer, kindly remove yourself, thank you.”

 

“ “ emoticonned Lewa0111. “Remove myself from what, Google-Nui? The entire Internet? This specific area? You should really be clearer on that subject...Anyway, I’m not interested in your ‘offer,’ but I do know someone who is. See that annoying guy over there?”

 

“Cool, thanks for the advice!” said the totally-not-a-Scam. The creature then scurried over to Nobody In Particular and unpacked his booth. “Hi there! I’m offering free sidekick lessons, no credit card required! Would you like to sign up?”

 

“Sure!” exclaimed Nobody In Particular excitedly, with a . “Let’s do this!”

 

The Scam smiled. “That’s great! All you have to do is fill out this form, and then pay us w200.00 as a security deposit. At the end of the lessons, you will be refunded with w300.00 as a complimentary payment for signing up! Easy, right?”

 

“Hey, wait. I thought you said no credit card required!”

 

“That’s true. We only take checks, money order, PayPal-Nui currency, or cash!”

 

“Oh, okay then. Sounds great!”

 

Thankful to finally have the “sidekick” out of the way, Lewa0111 searched for a hyperlink to take him to Facetwitspaceuponblrtube-Nui. He hadn’t visited in a while and it was good to catch up on the latest posts on the island. Because he was feeling too lazy to bother summoning a Hyperlink Boat, he simply walked to the nearest search portal and typed in the island’s name from there. However, just as the portal began to materialize, a shadow loomed overhead; he turned to see the Barely At All Mysterious Cloaked Guy from earlier, with a large group of Random Henchmen and Mysterious Cloaked Guys behind him. “Lewa0111,” the BAAMCG laughed, “come with me. The Bawsz wants to speak with you personally.”

 

“Or what?” Lewa0111 countered, unsheathing his weapon. “Let me guess: ban me from BZ-Nui again?”

 

“No, actually,” said the BAAMCG, signaling to two of his Random Henchmen. The two henchmen suddenly lunged toward the empty air and grabbed nobody in particular, then looked around awkwardly as they wondered what to do next. The BAAMCG facepalmed. “I said to grab Nobody In Particular, not nobody in particular!” One of the Random Henchmen scratched his head. “The capital letters are important, okay? Just grab him! And as for you, Lewa0111, we will kill your sidekick if you do not cooperate. So there!”

 

The henchmen grabbed Nobody In Particular this time, easily since the sidekick was still distracted by the Scam from earlier. Lewa0111 just shrugged. “Fine. He’s not my sidekick anyway.”

 

“Darn, guess that didn’t work. Forget him! Just grab Lewa0111 instead!” ordered the BAAMCG. Lewa0111, seizing a chance, jumped quickly through the search portal behind him, tumbling into Facetwitspaceuponblrtube-Nui just in time. “After him!” shouted the BAAMCG, and countless Ferrets in Beige began to jump through the portal as well.

 

Lewa0111 broke into a sprint. “Hey, get out of here! THIEF!” yelled the owner of the sprint angrily.

 

“Sorry, it was an accident, please don’t arrest me!” Chased by the Ferrets in Beige, the hero ran through profiles, posts, and pictures, barely stopping to glance around and trying his best to lose his pursuers. While he ran, he pulled up his Auto-Messenger and scrolled through it. “Come on...where are you...aha!” Knowing he had only one chance, he called up Gabriella’s profile and used the device to summon a mini-hyperlink, sending him flying to his friend’s profile immediately.

 

Luckily, lacking Facetwitspaceuponblrtube accounts (and certainly not being friends with Gabriella on the site even if they did), the FiB members remained behind, at a loss as to where their quarry had vanished to. Several moments later, their leader stepped through a new hastily-generated Search Portal from Google-Nui since the old one had long since closed. “Well?” he demanded. “Where is he?”

 

“No idea, sir,” said Mysterious Cloaked Guy #17. “He used his Auto-Messenger to escape. He could be anywhere on the island by now.”

 

“Very well, then. Blockade the entire island and shut down all hyperlinks; I will contact The Bawsz for additional troops. Lewa0111 must not escape! In the meantime, comb the island for any trace of him. I will be back to check on your progress.”

 

After the BAAMCG left to return to headquarters, Mysterious Cloaked Guy #17 sighed. “Comb the entire island? Does he have any idea just how big this place is? Oh well, might as well get started…” With the aid of the rest of the troops, he began unfolding a gigantic comb that he had been keeping in his pocket just in case he should be asked to “comb” anything. “Luckily I brought this with me!” he exclaimed with a to nobody in particular.

 

“Why are you telling me this?” called Nobody In Particular from the other side of the Search Portal that the BAAMCG had come in through.

 

“Not you. The caps are important!”

 

* * *

 

Lewa0111 tumbled through the hyperlink and landed with a thud in Gabriella’s Facetwitspaceuponblrtube profile. She, being busy dealing with the civil war and hacked members back on BZ-Nui, was of course nowhere to be found. Lewa0111 glanced around until he spotted the “Chat” button and pushed it.

 

A few seconds later, Gabriella spontaneously teleported into the profile...twelve feet in the air for some random reason. “YAAAAAAAAH!” she screamed, thankfully landing on top of Lewa0111. (Thankfully for her, of course. Not so much for him). “Wow. That was convenient…”

 

“Ouch,” groaned Lewa0111.

 

Gabriella looked down. “Oops! Sorry!” She stood up and brushed herself off. “What just happened? Why are we here on Facetwitspaceuponblrtube-Nui? I haven’t been back here in ages...I forgot I even had an account here, to be honest.”

 

“Well, that explains a lot, seeing as your account here would have solved a lot of problems several chapters ago. Anyway, long story short, the Ferrets in Beige chased me and I hid here to escape, and hopefully contact you to see if you can get me out of here.”

 

“Well, you picked a good or a bad time to summon me here, depending on how you look at it. The Ferrets in Beige are stronger than we thought. They have an entire army of non-banned hacked members, and all of them are attacking our temporary headquarters. Worse, Mesonak was hacked and sort of sparked a mini-civil war between the Randomness Warriors, so everyone is pretty tired and not too prepared for a battle.”

 

Lewa0111 facepalmed. “Of all the awful coincidences...well, I think we both could help each other out with a plan, then. The Randomness Warriors need help, and fast!”

 

“Agreed. Actually, this is pretty good timing. Right before the attack, we had just accumulated more than enough BZ-Nui members’ signatures on the petition to temporarily unlock the gate for you. We should be able to get you back onto the island long enough to request your un-banning.”

 

“My un-banning can wait. If I can get back to BZ-Nui, then we should both go there and help out the Randomness Warriors first. I’m pretty good in a fight, after all.”

 

Gabriella smiled. “I knew I could count on you! That makes this all so much easier. Let’s just grab a Hyperlink Boat and head over to the Main...Page….” Her voice trailed off as she looked up, spotting a huge dome the color of redlinks beginning to form around the entire island. “Run!!”

 

She grabbed Lewa0111’s hand before he could even ask what was going on, and the two of them sprinted as fast as they could through the maze of videos, profile posts, and pictures toward the nearest shore. Several times Gabriella was forced to distract everyone with some awesome music played with her music-note blade, and once Lewa0111 had to misspell someone’s name on their profile to get them to move out of the way. “Sorry!” he called as the annoyed profile owner shook his fist at them.

 

Finally, they reached the shoreline, skidding to a stop. “No…” whispered Gabriella as the Redlink Dome descended, slicing the nearby Hyperlink Boats in two. Finally the dome sealed itself around the water, sealing everyone and everything inside.

 

They were trapped.

 

Next: How will our heroes escape their respective fates? Find out!

 

~Lewa# Studios

 

Lewa0111 Nuva

[Pohatu: Uniter of Stone]

That first pun with Pohatu on the bread roll made me crack up in class.

 

Not many other comedy writers can do that.

Edited September 25, 2014 by RahkshiToa88

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

As usual, thanks for your support, RahkshiToa88! I appreciate your replies and your compliments. I also went ahead and gave you a brief cameo at the beginning of this upcoming chapter, so enjoy!

 

The BZ-Nui Hack Wars

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 18: Breakout

 

The BZ-Nui member RahkshiToa88 was wandering through Completely Off Topic, bored and looking for something to do. As he passed the lower, inactive regions of the forum, he noticed a huge group of other members clustered around one topic in particular. Curious as to what had everyone so excited, he moved closer but found himself blocked by the mass of members. Sighing, he just found a large titan-sized member toward the back of the group and climbed up on top of him. Strangely, the member didn’t react to his presence at all.

 

Once atop the titan, he saw that the topic in question was the “Official HSM 9,321 Topic.” At first he was confused as to why anyone would bother with such an obscure topic, but then he realized that some kind of battle was going on inside, and an extremely one-sided one at that. There was only one thing to do…

 

RahkshiToa88 pulled out his portable Report Button. After a quick pause for dramatic effect, he pressed it, summoning every active Moderator in the area to the site.

 

* * *

 

“Behind you!” shouted ibrow as Takuma parried another backslash from his hacked foe, followed up by several brackets and a dollar sign. The barrage of punctuation was taking its toll, but he was still able to turn just in time to avoid a Hack Ray from another one of the hacked members. ibrow took a flying leap to kick the owner of the Hack Ray, knocking them out cold. “Never mind, I got him!”

 

“brakelatabasaasta feed me “ spammed Neelh suddenly, alerting Takuma to the fact that she was being hacked by Random Henchman #35. Though he was too far away to do anything about it, V.M. was quite close by. The red Toa kicked Random Henchman #35 in the face before returning to his own duel with three hacked members, distracting the hacked ones’ leader long enough for Neelh to break free and launch a randomly appeared antivirus program at the hacker, who screamed in pain when the program hit him. “That was annoying...Has anyone seen Gabriella?” she asked once she had a chance to take stock of her surroundings. (Incidentally, her surroundings had a +0.82 change in stock, in case anyone was curious).

 

“I thought she was with you!” Takuma said.

 

Neelh shook her head. “Haven’t seen her since the battle started! Who’s got Mesonak?”

 

“ “ handraised ShadowBionics. “He’s right here. And yes, ‘handraised’ is now a word.”

 

“Guys? A little help here?” asked -Blackout-, who was busy fending off the majority of the hacked members single-handedly. Luckily, being a robot he was immune to traditional hacking, despite that making no sense whatsoever. “I’m being overwhelmed!”

 

“On it!” shouted ibrow, tossing a llama at his own foe before rushing over to help the large robot.

 

 

* * *

 

 

A mob of various internet denizens had formed on the shores of Facetwitspaceuponblrtube after the Redlink Dome descended around the island. Trapped, lacking an exit, and unable to leave, everyone was milling about in rage and confusion (save for those who were so obsessed with social media they hadn’t even noticed or realized that they could no longer leave). Even Zeskii could not appear from the redundancy in the above sentence due to the dome. Very few on the island even understood why the dome was there in the first place. And by “few,” I mean “Lewa0111 and Gabriella.”

 

Those “few,” in fact, had just completed a circuit around the entire island. “Finally, that took forever!” complained Lewa0111 as he hooked the last wire to the battery where they had started out, finishing the circuit and lighting up several light bulbs strung along the beaches. “Let there be light! “

 

“Great job on the circuit. Hopefully people on the other islands will see our lights and come investigate,” said Gabriella. “The Ferrets in Beige must still be on the island, searching for us.”

 

“I saw a few Mysterious Cloaked Guys dragging a giant comb across the island earlier; they must have been trying to ‘comb’ the island for us. That comb looked pretty heavy though, so it will luckily take a while. Any ideas on how we can break through this dome ourselves?”

 

Gabriella shook her head. “We tried using our powers, activating a time-comedy warp vortex, and punching it repeatedly until your hand hurt, but none of those worked. I’m out of ideas.”

 

Lewa0111 knew she was right. They had even attempted to trigger every single Lewa0111 running joke in the hopes they could jump backward through the inevitable portal, but not even exclamation points and question marks together, talking about copyrights, saying the words “O RLY?” or “Cool! ,” or maeking radnom tpyos liek tihs were able to summon their respective characters. “Hmm…” he muttered, looking up at the top of the dome. “The only thing left I can think of would be to try the very top of the dome. It might be weaker up there. Either that or search the entire island for the generator.”

 

“Are you crazy? Facetwitspaceuponblrtube is one of the biggest islands on Cyber Magna! We’ll die of old age before we finish….”

 

“Sadly, you’re right. How should we get up to the dome, then?”

 

Lewa0111 rummaged around in his Member’s Pocket for a few moments, tossing aside a tennis racket, some Glatorian helmets, taco shells, printer, bedsheet with eyeholes cut into it for Halloween, screwdriver, box of highlighters, box of Highlights magazines, box of hair highlights, box of high lights, box of low lights, piece of silly string, and some of the old microwaves left over from The Nuva Inn chapter 2. Finally, he pulled out a device that looked like a tablet attached to a grappling hook. “With this!” he exclaimed triumphantly. “This will let me home in on any profile here that I want, and there’s one profile that’s close to the top of the dome.” He pointed to the top of the huge tower rising from the center of Facetwitspaceuponblrtube to nearly touch the top of the Redlink Dome. “Zark Muckerburg himself!”

 

“Mmmmmf!” answered Gabriella.

 

Since “mmmmmf” is a rather odd response to Lewa0111’s statement, the comedy writer did a double take and realized that his friend was still buried under the mountain of junk from earlier. “Oops…”

 

After digging Gabriella out from underneath the stuff, Lewa0111 activated his grappling hook device and typed in the profile for Zark Muckerburg, the island’s ruler. Sure enough, the hook immediately homed in on the top of the tower and pulled them along, soaring up to the penthouse profile. Unfortunately, the device was not programmed to be polite, and they ended up crashing headlong through the glass windows to land in the ruler’s bedroom with a thunk. “Oww...my mask…” groaned Lewa0111 as Gabriella looked around to take stock of her surroundings.

 

“Hey! What are you--Let me put some clothes on, please!” said Zark, as he frantically covered up his pink and purple polka-dotted underpants dotted with hearts and smiley faces. “Haven’t you ever heard of knocking!?!?!?!?!?!?”

 

Thanks to the Redlink Dome, of course, Pohatu could not appear to say his usual line. “Sorry,” said Gabriella with a . She and Lewa0111 turned around politely while Zark quickly pulled on some pants. When that was finished, they turned back around. “We apologize, but this was the only way we knew how to get up here, and our hook device isn’t very accurate. I’m sure you’ve noticed the Redlink Dome.”

 

“Redlink Dome? Where?”

 

Lewa0111 and Gabriella both facepalmed. “Surrounding the whole island! Everyone is pretty upset since nobody can enter or leave. A group called the Ferrets in Beige are responsible.”

 

“‘Ferrets in Beige?’ That’s the dumbest name I’ve ever heard in my life. What do you expect me to do about it?”

 

“To be honest, nothing,” Lewa0111 put in. “But we need to leave the island, and the easiest spot to break through the dome is right above this tower. So, can we use your attic?”

 

“Oh, that’s it? Sure, but do you mind fixing my window first? The Lewa0111- and Gabriella-shaped holes in it really clash with the rest of the room.”

 

The two BZ-Nui members looked at each other and sighed. This could take a while….

 

 

* * *

 

 

Slowly but surely, despite the Randomness Warriors’ best efforts, they found themselves steadily overpowered by their hacked enemies. Due to the Rules of Epic Battles, they somehow all ended up in a circle at the center of the topic surrounded by foes, even though they were all scattered in different areas of the topic just prior to this. Random Henchman #35 held up a hand to signal the hacked members to stop just before their final attack to overpower the Randomness Warriors. “Hey, why did you all stop?” asked Jovan2 with a .

 

“For dramatic effect,” Random Henchman #35 said simply. “Now, if you all surrender your passwords, profile information, and all relevant personal data to us, we will let you live. Hacked, of course. But alive. If not, then we will ensure each and every one of you is fully and completely hacked.”

 

“So, if we surrender you’ll hack us, and if we don’t surrender you’ll still hack us? That isn’t much of a choice,” observed Festus. Several other Randomness Warriors nodded in agreement.

 

The enemy leader paused to consider this. “Wait, that can’t be right, hold on…” He pulled out a book entitled “BZ-Nui Hack Wars Script” and started flipping through it. “Let’s see...surrender your information, get hacked...hmm.”

 

An awkward silence persisted for several moments as the hacked BZ-Nui members and the Randomness Warriors just looked at each other, unsure of what to do next while Random Henchman #35 consulted his script. Thankfully, the silence was suddenly broken by a loud voice, sounding as if shouted through a megaphone, from outside the topic. “ATTENTION ALL BZ-NUI MEMBERS! THE TOPIC ‘OFFICIAL HSM 9,321 TOPIC’ (Festus: Redundancy is redundant!) HAS BEEN REPORTED FOR SPAM, FLAMES, FLAMING SPAM, AND SPAMMY FLAMES. PLEASE EXIT THE TOPIC IMMEDIATELY SO IT CAN BE LOCKED AND PRESENT YOURSELVES TO THE MODERATORS FOR DISCIPLINARY ACTION.”

 

Random Henchman #35’s eyes widened. “Oh, come on!” he groaned. “What are the odds? Oh well, at least you’ll be taken down with us, Randomness Warriors! Your time is up!”

 

Takuma and Gerlicky, standing closest to the CoT link, peered through it to see an army of Moderators surrounding the exit. There was no possible way for any of them to escape now. They turned back to the others and shook their heads. “It’s hopeless,” Gerlicky informed them.

 

V.M. shrugged. “Fine, then. We’ll just tell them everything. At the very least, the moderators can’t ban this many hacked members plus ourselves. And they will have a real FiB member to question. Sound good, everyone?”

 

The rest of the team nodded their consent. “Hear that, Random Henchman? You’re out of luck!” crowed Neelh.

 

Random Henchman #35 quickly dodged the crows and turned around, looking through the link to see the Moderator army. Then he looked back at the Randomness Warriors, his face hardened. “Ouch,” he groaned, quickly pouring some conveniently appeared water over his face to un-harden it. “Very well, then we’ll just make sure to take you down with us...by hacking you, too! Hacked Members! Attack!”

 

“This does not look good…” muttered Takuma.

 

Next: Will Lewa0111 and Gabriella escape? How will the Randomness Warriors survive the battle? And what will the moderators do?

 

~Lewa# Studios

 

Lewa0111 Nuva

Edited October 6, 2014 by Lewa0111 Nuva

[Pohatu: Uniter of Stone]

Spam, flames, flaming spam and spammy flame! The mods will bring justice back to BZ-Nui! This whole chapter was great once again. Thanks for the cameo, too! It's probably what I would have done anyways...

[Lewa0111 Nuva]

Thanks for replying once again, I’m glad you enjoyed your cameo. Wonder where everyone else is...Oh well!

 

The BZ-Nui Hack Wars

A BIONICLE comedy by Me!

Chapter 19: Triumphancy is Triumphant

 

Festus was midway through saying his line in response to the chapter’s title when three hacked BZ-Nui members plowed into him, sending him flying. “Can’t even make a running joke in peace without hackers ruining it these days…” he muttered.

 

A thud sounded from the other side of the topic link, likely the Moderators starting their break-in to the topic. Though Random Henchman #35’s hacking had closed off the topic to keep the Randomness Warriors from escaping, he knew even that could not hold an army of Moderators off for long. As an act of desperation, he ran forward and grabbed the unconscious Mesonak while Takuma was busy fighting off the other hacked members. “Mwahahaha!” he laughed evilly, with an for extra emphasis.

 

Unfortunately for him, his evil laughter had alerted Takuma, Neelh, and ibrow, all fighting nearby, to his presence. “Hey! Give Mesonak back right now!” shouted Takuma angrily.

 

Random Henchman #35 knew he had one chance to prove how much of a sophisticated, intelligent, and superior villain he was with an epic comeback that would leave everyone speechless as they stood in awe of his razor-sharp wit. Luckily for him, he had the perfect witty comeback prepared for such an occasion… “NO U!”

 

Everyone was rendered temporarily speechless, though probably not for the reasons the villain thought. When they finally could speak, the Randomness Warriors (even Mesonak and Gabriella, inexplicably) emoticonned in unison, “ . ”

 

“That’s it? That’s the best you could do?” taunted ibrow. “What is this, kindergarten?”

 

“It’s not my fault I got held back for 17,932 years in a row,” complained Random Henchman #35. “Kindergarten is hard!”

 

“You know what? I’m not even going to ask,” said Neelh wisely. “But Mesonak isn’t yours. Thanks!” With a yoink, she yoinked Mesonak’s unconscious form right out of his hands. “Bye!”

 

“What the--GTE BACK HEAR! HCAKED MEBMERS, GET IHM!!” screamed Random Henchman #35, so angry that he momentarily forgot how to spell. Being hacked, of course, the hacked members ignored the misspellings.

 

An epic game of back-and-forth keepaway ensued between the Randomness Warriors and Random Henchman #35’s hacked members, starring Mesonak as the ball. Ironically, the actual battle was quickly forgotten for the time being as everyone scrambled to take Mesonak away from the other side. Banana peels, Instant Slippery Stuff, ice powers, giant grabber boxing gloves attached to springs, and other implements designed to make the others trip and/or grab the unconscious Randomness Warrior were quickly produced by both sides, leading to a chaotic but incredibly hilarious duel. Rubber chickens and toilet plungers also made appearances, less because they were useful at getting Mesonak away from the others and more just because rubber chickens and plungers are inherently funny to begin with. At one point, Mesonak even inexplicably ended up glued to the ceiling. (A hacked member with a large bottle of superglue as her weapon may or may not have been responsible).

 

“Yes! Finally, I’ve got him!” crowed V.M. triumphantly. Fortunately, the crows summoned from his mouth got in the way of a hacked member who was about to steal Mesonak back. Unfortunately, one of the crows got stuck to Mesonak’s shoulder armor and accidentally pulled him out of V.M.’s hands. Fortunately, Mesonak was too heavy and just fell to the ground a few inches away. Unfortunately, Random Henchman #35 was standing right there. Fortunately, a nearby banana peel caused him to slip. Unfortunately, he caught Mesonak as he did so. Fortunately, Takuma was right next to him. Unfortunately, he was distracted by a bunch of hacked members. Fortunately--

 

“SUHT THE KZARHNAHI UP!!” screamed Random Henchman #35, his spelling ability still suffering due to his anger issues. “TAHT JOEK IS GETITNG RAELLY ANOYNIGN!!1ONE!”

 

“So is your bad spelling,” Neelh shot back.

 

“MIE SPLELING IS PFERECT!”

 

A sudden crash echoed through the topic, and everyone turned just in time to see the army of Moderators break through the link. The powerful BZ-Nui army filed into the topic, surrounding all of the combatants with Report Buttons and Banhammers raised. “All right, everyone, out. I sense a lot of bannings in the immediate future…” the lead Moderator said.

 

“OH NO NOT TEH MDORERTATORS I DNO’T WNANA BE BANED AAAAAAAAAH!ONE111!!” shouted Random Henchman #35, panicking wildly. Then he clammed down upon noticing that he still had Mesonak in his hands. He then unclammed back up and calmed down, since turning into a clam was less than useful in this situation. “Ha, ha! Randomness Warriors, Moderators, put down your weapons and surrender, or else Mesonak dies!”

 

Everyone quickly stopped fighting. The Moderators hesitated for a few moments, but put down their weapons to avoid letting a non-hacked member die. The remaining Randomness Warriors looked around, unsure of what to do with both of their leaders incapacitated or missing. Seeing no other choice, Takuma stepped forward and took the command of the situation. “Hey, that’s mine! Give it back!” protested the situation. Embarrassed, Takuma quickly gave the situation its command back.

 

“Do as he says,” Takuma ordered after considering his options for several seconds. “It’s over. They’ve won.”

 

* * *

 

Meanwhile, in the Penthouse Profile of Facetwitspaceuponblrtube-Nui Tower, Lewa0111 and Gabriella had just finished repairing Zark’s windows after a painstakingly grueling repair effort. Luckily, thanks to the power of comedy physics, they had left perfectly Lewa0111- and Gabriella-shaped holes when they broke through. Likewise, the broken part of the glass had also remained perfectly shaped like the two BZ-Nui members who crashed through in the first place. Ignoring how this could be possible, they were both just relieved all they had to do was bring the glass back up to the profile and duct tape it back together. The only catch? Facetwitspaceuponblrtube-Nui was 9,322 stories tall, even taller than The Nuva Inn! And it also didn’t have any elevators.

 

Lewa0111 wiped his brow, exhausted, as he finished taping the last part of the glass back together. “Phew! Done!”

 

“Finally...now let’s not waste any time! Zark, where’s your attic?”

 

“It’s in the attic, go ahead and get rid of that dome. Thanks for fixing the windows, by the way. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go...uh...water my...goldfish. Bye!” He then jumped off the nonexistent balcony.

 

With a , Lewa0111 and Gabriella watched him levitate away. “That was weird,” Gabriella observed.

 

“‘The attic is in the attic,’” Lewa0111 paraphrased. “That’s the least helpful advice ever.”

 

“Yeah, I wonder why he had to leave in such a hurry?”

 

Lewa0111 shrugged. “Who cares? We might as well start searching, then.”

 

As they scoured the penthouse profile for an entrance to the attic, their search proved rather fruitful. Lewa0111 found four apples, a banana, and a couple of oranges, while Gabriella produced an entire bucketful of grapes as well as several limes, along with a kumquat for some reason. Unfortunately, they did not find the attic entrance. “Stupid unhelpful island founders!” cursed Gabriella as she ate some of the grapes. “Why can’t they just tell us where to look?” She kicked a statue of Zark Muckerburg in frustration.

 

The statue kicked her back.

 

“What the--?” exclaimed Lewa0111.

 

“What do you mean, ‘what the hyphen-hyphen question mark?’” asked the statue. “That doesn’t make any sense! And what did she kick me for?”

 

“Sorry, we had no idea you could talk, or were alive at all for that matter,” Gabriella apologized. “To be honest, we thought you were a statue.”

 

“Of course I’m a statue!” said the statue. “What, just because I’m a statue and made of stone, you automatically assume that I can’t move or talk? How rude!”

 

“Uhh…” uhhed Lewa0111, since being made of stone and unable to move or talk is sort of the definition of a statue.

 

“Ignore him, anyway, we’re really sorry, could you point us in the direction of the attic? Zark told us to go there but he didn’t tell us where it was.”

 

The statue seemed to be trying to roll its eyes, but failing due to being a statue. “I haven’t seen that guy in fifty years. You’d think he would at least stop by to say hi as long as he’s going to the attic anyway, but no, he just leaves you two to go there yourselves! Of all the dumb…” It trailed off as it noticed the two BZ-Nui members were still standing there. “Right, sorry, the attic. I’m actually the guardian of the attic. The door is right above me!” it exclaimed with a .

 

“Well, what do you know? That’s awfully convenient. Thanks, random statue!” Lewa0111 and Gabriella climbed up the ladder to the attic just above the statue.

 

“Hey, I’m not random!” protested the statue.

 

Once inside the attic, the two of them looked around. It was, for lack of a better term, atticky. The attic was dark and dusty, with boxes piled everywhere. Gabriella looked at the labels on a few of the boxes: “Stuff,” “Junk,” “Junky Stuff,” and “Stuffy Junk,” along with a fifth box labeled, “Extra Box To Make The Attic Look Full Of Boxes.”

 

“How can you read those? I can’t even see!” complained Lewa0111. Then he felt a string dangling from the ceiling. “I wonder if this is a light switch?” He pulled it, and the entire ceiling promptly retracted. “Huh.”

 

“Well, that’s one way to turn on a light,” observed Gabriella, noticing the top of the Redlink Dome just above them. “Let’s go!” She quickly grabbed all of the boxes and piled them on top of each other, which allowed her to climb to the very top of the dome. Lewa0111 quickly scrambled up after her. When they stood on the top box, they were just barely able to push themselves through the weakened spot on the dome, and emerged victorious outside of it. “We did it!”

 

“...” ellipsed Lewa0111, looking around. “Now what?”

 

They were standing atop the Redlink Dome, stretching down for miles around the island, with all the Hyperlink Boats nearby rendered unusable due to being cut in half by the dome itself. “We could summon a Hyperlink Plane,” suggested Gabriella.

 

“Hyperlink Planes don’t exist…” muttered Lewa0111.

 

“Oh yeah. Darn.”

 

“Well, how about--” He was interrupted by a sudden gust of wind that came out of nowhere and blew him off of his feet. “Yaaaah!”

 

Gabriella started to laugh at him, but was then blown away as well due to the power of irony. “Yaaaah!” The two of them tumbled down the side of the dome for several minutes straight (hey, it’s a big dome) until finally landing in the water with a splash. “Well, uh...that’s one way to get down,” she observed.

 

“Hey, look!” said Lewa0111, climbing onto a broken piece of a Hyperlink Boat, that luckily still had its terminal intact. “There’s another one, too!”

 

Gabriella climbed onto a similar Hyperlink Boat piece. “How convenient. I wonder if these still work?” She activated the terminal and typed in “BZ-Nui Main Gate.” Immediately the boat sped off, though Gabriella was thrown off since the back half of the boat was missing.

 

“ “ emoticonned Lewa0111.

 

“Oh, shut up.” She climbed onto another Hyperlink Boat piece. This time, she made sure to securely grab the terminal before entering her destination, while Lewa0111 did the same. Luckily, it worked this time, and together the two of them sped off riding Segway-style back to BZ-Nui.

 

* * *

 

“State your business,” said a Metus-impersonating guard at the entrance to BZ-Nui. Lewa0111 promptly knocked him unconscious with his katana.

 

“What was that for?” asked Gabriella.

 

“The guards at the FiB headquarters said the same thing. I’m guessing he’s one of them.”

 

“But what if you were wrong?”

 

“Uh...oops?”

 

She shrugged. “Never mind about that. Let’s just get you through this gate.” She pulled out her Personal Messenger and tapped several buttons until she reached the file labeled, “Petition.” She then stepped forward, pulling Lewa0111 beside her, and held the device above her head in front of the gates that were now beginning to shut in the presence of a banned member. “Activating override now!”

 

“Why did you say that?”

 

“Eh, it sounded cool.”

 

“OVERRIDE ACCEPTED. BANNED MEMBER PERMITTED TO PASS. HAVE A NICE DAY,” said the gate, which promptly swung open once again.

 

“Somehow I was expecting something much more complicated,” muttered Lewa0111 as he and Gabriella stepped through. Due to the recent wave of hackings, BZ-Nui was noticeably much emptier than usual, though an article titled “15 Reasons Why Bionicle Will Never Return” was on the front page of the papers at a newsstand, located right next to a stand selling leaked Bionicle 2015 images.

 

“Redundancy is redundant!” shouted Festus from all the way back in CoT.

 

“Wow, I’d forgotten how much I missed this place.”

 

Gabriella shook her head as she grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the forums. “We can have time for nostalgia later, and anyway, it’s only been a few weeks. The Randomness Warriors and I need you!”

 

A horde of shippers suddenly jumped in out of nowhere and surrounded them. “OH MY AL GORE THAT IS THE MOST ADORABLE THING EVAH!!one1! SHE SAID “I NEED YOU” THAT AUTOMATICALLY MEANS THEY ARE IN LUUUUUV!1”

 

“Not you people again…back off!” shouted Gabriella, summoning a musical drumbeat powerful enough to literally send them all flying away. “Those people never quit. Now let’s go!”

 

They sprinted headlong as fast as they could through the forums, blowing past Bionicle Discussions, the Library, and even the old abandoned BS01 forum before skidding to a stop outside CoT, where a mob of nearly every non-hacked BZP member had formed around a particular topic. “Oh no,” said Lewa0111 when he realized what topic it was.

 

“Oh no,” said Gabriella likewise.

 

“Oh no,” put in Random Member #35, who was standing nearby and felt like joining in because he was bored.

 

“OH YEAH!” yelled a randomly appearing Kool-Aid Man, crashing through the mob.

 

“Thanks, Kool-Aid Man!” said Gabriella, as she and Lewa0111 rushed through the newly created hole in the mob and headed straight into the Official HSM 9,321 Topic.

 

Everyone stopped, frozen both because of the stalemate and also because Lewa0111 had just suddenly entered the topic. (It was also fairly cold inside the topic, but that was beside the point). The comedy author looked around for a few moments before noticing Mesonak in Random Henchman #35’s hands. “Excuse me, but I believe that is...not yours,” he said, bopping the FiB member over the head with a rubber mallet and knocking him unconscious. “Well, looks like we win. Thank you everyone, I’ll be here all week,” he remarked wryly as all of the newly-unhacked members and the Randomness Warriors burst into spontaneous applause.

 

“Triumphancy is triumphant!”

 

Next: A banned member in BZ-Nui...what will the Moderators do? And The Bawsz is still out there…

 

~Lewa# Studios

 

Lewa0111 Nuva

[user-402520536]

Great job on your comedy! I've been following for a while now, and I can see why this has so many fans. Great job and good work on it so far, I hope you keep going!

Redundancy is redundant!