Popular Post Voltex Posted January 27, 2015 Popular Post Share Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) WHAT IS THE POTOO?! Several Matoran were sitting around a campfire, rambling madly and pointing fingers as they tried to decide who would be roasted with the marshmallows that evening. Two of the Matoran in particular - Voltex and Seaborgium - were getting rather heated in their debate, as Seaborgium insisted that Voltex had some sort of mad scheme while Voltex tried to explain that his mad scheme was that he did not have a mad scheme. Needless to say, it was going about as well as trying to grow onions by watering them with flower pots. “I’m telling you, I simply voted for Quisoves because I voted for Quisoves!” Voltex exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air and pointing at Quisoves, who sat across the circle. “He was the first one that popped into my mind!” “Impossible!” Seaborgium responded, shaking his head. “You were in an alliance with Blade! You are clearly a part of some devious conspiracy!” “Nope.” “Yes you are!” “I just don’t want to join a bandwagon!” Voltex said, crossing his arms defiantly and turning around. “But you started a bandwagon!” Seaborgium cried. “Did not!” “Did too!” “I DID NOT YOU’RE ALL VOTING TO EAT GENGAR WITH THE MARSHMALLOWS AND THAT MAKES ME VERY UPSET!” Voltex shouted, eyes bugging out of his head. “Okay, fine, gosh, calm down,” Seaborgium muttered. “I’ll just, um. Yes. I shall go. I shall go and… the thing. I shall not vote for Gengar.” Voltex nodded in approval. “That is very good.” “You are still evil though, very clearly,” Seaborgium continued. “Look at you! You have scorched armor!” “My house burned down!” “Your house did not burn down!” “We are sitting in the remains of my house right now!” “No we aren’t!” “Yes we are!” “Both of you please, stop yelling,” Ehks said, stepping between them. “I’m sure you’ll both get to eat whoever you want.” “I don’t want to eat anybody,” Seaborgium said. “I think we should eat you!” Voltex said, grabbing onto Ehks’ arm. “Come on! You can be roasted with the marshmallows!” “Wait, that’s a bad idea! Bad idea!” Ehks protested, pulling himself free. “SEE?!” Seaborgium shouted. “Voltex is evil! He is coming up with some sort of dastardly plan to have all us eaten for dessert!” Voltex frowned. “Seaborgium, there are no words that can express my disappointment with regards to your utter incompetence. Heck, even Quisoves, the player that I am voting for, appears to understand my motives.” There came a disbelieving snort from Burnmad, but the Ta-Matoran successfully started to play a trumpet immediately afterward, and Voltex ignored him, continuing: “That said, you are correct; I did indeed vote just to vote. And since I'm not exactly intent on Quisoves dying... I hereby switch from Quisoves to Seaborgium.” “WHAT?!” Seaborgium screeched. “Nice,” Quisoves said, pulling a large creature out of his pocket. “You crack me up.” Everyone turned to look at Quisoves and froze at the sight of the absurd creature perched on the Matoran’s arms. Ehks slowly took a step back as the creature opened its mouth and stared around the circle. It was Voltex who found his voice first. “What in Ekimu’s name is that thing?” “It’s a Potoo!” Xaeraz said excitedly, reaching forward and handing the Potoo a large concrete block that it immediately began to grind into dust with its beak. “They’re hilarious looking and sounding! It’s going to be a secret role in Red Sea!” “It’s gonna be Quisoves because the RNG is biased,” Chro muttered from where he was crouched right underneath the Potoo, his nose wrinkled at the concrete dust settling on his nose. “But… that doesn’t make any sense,” Ehks replied, sounding confused. “It isn’t a double roasting because I actually counted right this time.” Everyone turned their gaze from the Potoo and over to Ehks, who gulped. “What?” “I was talking about the Potoo,” Chro said. “What do they sound like?” Burnmad asked. “Potoos, I mean, not roastings.” “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.” Everyone turned their gaze from Ehks and back over to the Potoo, taking a collective step back from the absurd creature in Quisove’s arms (except for Chro, who merely shuddered). “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.” “Dear god, what the heck is that sound?” Voltex asked. “It’s the Potoo’s call!” Quisoves replied. “Isn’t it weird?” “It’s horrifying!” Voltex exclaimed. “Turn it off!” “You can’t turn off a Potoo,” Quisoves said. “That would be disrespectful.” “My face is disrespectful, but people turn that off all the time,” Voltex replied. “No, Voltex, we just don’t like you.” Voltex turned to Burnmad. “What?” “Nothing.” “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.” Portalfig burst into a fit of giggles, collapsing to his knees and clutching his stomach. “I just - I can’t - I can’t take it seriously - I - it’s - it’s so goofy-” “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.” “ALRIGHT! I GIVE UP!” Voltex yelled, throwing his arms in the air. “I GIVE UP!” Ehks glanced down at the cards in his hands. “Hey! We’re roasting Gengar! He was the one that stole Onarax’s liver! We got it right!” “THAT’S NOT FAIR!” Voltex shouted, stomping his foot. “I wanted to keep Gengar alive! Save Gengar 2015!” “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.” Voltex’s eyes bugged out of their sockets. “I swear to Ekimu if somebody doesn’t shut that Potoo up I am going to go insane.” “You’re already insane!” Seaborgium snapped. “That’s what you’ve been saying this entire time!” “Only to bug you!” Voltex responded. “The absurdity of my claims causes you increasing frustration! It brings me joy!” “Just you wait until I’m in charge,” Seaborgium muttered. “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.” “Alright, that’s it, I’m done,” Voltex said, turning away and walking off into the darkness. “I’m ou-AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH….” The group remained frozen in silence for several seconds - even the Potoo - until Ehks tentatively asked, “Voltex?” He glanced back to the others. “I… what? I don’t….” “Oh well,” Burnmad said, shrugging. “Back to the roasting.” “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.” “And to the Potoo!” Quisoves cried gleefully. “To its honor, its absurdity, and its majestic nature!” “That thing isn’t majestic at all,” Ehks said, looking utterly disgusted. “It’s revolting.” The End. I hope you're all happy. This horrible thing is my 5000th post and will officially tarnish what little reputation I have gained in the library forums E: FIXED A MINOR COPY/PASTE ERROR THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS AND REALLY BUGS ME UGH Edited August 18, 2015 by Black Six 26 Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chro Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 This is why we can't let Voltex overdose on peanut butter. 6 Quote save not only their lives but their spirits Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voltex Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 This is why we can't let Voltex overdose on peanut butter. I HAVEN'T HAD ANY PEANUT BUTTER TODAY THANK YOU VERY MUCHJUST PIZZA WRAPS AND A PANZEROTTI (and four cans of coke because i'm trying to overdose on sugar and caffeine without coffe .__.) 7 Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed Blade Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 That was amazing and fantastic and just absolutely amazing. Also kinda sums up a mafia game well. =P Quote The Pokemon TopicPokemon: Rise of the Rockets - Rise of the Rockets Discussion Topic - Rise of the Rockets Side Stories Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Portalfig Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 "I just - I can’t - I can’t take it seriously - I - it’s - it’s so goofy-" Yep, that explains it pretty well. Well played, Voltex. Well played. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voltex Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 That was amazing and fantastic and just absolutely amazing. Also kinda sums up a mafia game well. =P i still regret this decision "I just - I can’t - I can’t take it seriously - I - it’s - it’s so goofy-" Yep, that explains it pretty well. Well played, Voltex. Well played. Can it explain the Potoo, though? Can it? 1 Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ehksidian Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 This was absolutely beautiful. 1 Quote Steam name: Ehksidian Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voltex Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 This was absolutely beautiful. None shall ever recover from it Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xaeraz Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 you have singlehandedly saved comedies fromt he den of scum and villainy and also textermination and sumiki's dad that it has become with this, your magnum opus. 8 Quote All are not the same But three shall be as one Freedom in the flame The end has just begun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voltex Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 you have singlehandedly saved comedies fromt he den of scum and villainy and also textermination and sumiki's dad that it has become with this, your magnum opus. welleither that ori've just dug the hole deeper Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lewa0111 Nuva Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 What. Seriously, that just about sums up my reaction, along with uncontrollable laughter...good thing I'm by myself or I'd have gotten a lot of weird looks. I'd quote my favorite parts, but that would be the entire post, and probably considered spam, so. Probably a bad idea. Welcome back to Comedies! Lewa0111 Nuva Quote My Script Comedies: | The Nuva Inn Remake | Ask Matau! Remake (ACCEPTING QUESTIONS!) | My Prose Comedies: | The BZ-Nui Hack Wars | Mata Nova | ANNOUNCEMENT: The Nuva Inn is BACK IN BUSINESS!! (See my blog for more info on my writing projects) ANNOUNCEMENT 2: Looking for voice actors and artists/animators for an upcoming video project! PM me if interested! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fishers64 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I vote for this comedy to be lynched. After the Potoo. It can go first. (But it is actually funny, so there's that. ) Quote Hero Factory RPG | Bionicle Mafia XXIX: Storyline & Theories Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voltex Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 What. Seriously, that just about sums up my reaction, along with uncontrollable laughter...good thing I'm by myself or I'd have gotten a lot of weird looks. I'd quote my favorite parts, but that would be the entire post, and probably considered spam, so. Probably a bad idea. Welcome back to Comedies! Lewa0111 Nuva Thank you... even if it was entirely unintentional. I vote for this comedy to be lynched. After the Potoo. It can go first. (But it is actually funny, so there's that. ) Success 1 Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toa Smoke Monster Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 When reading this, did anyone else think that the Potoo was screaming 'Mom' for its cry? It may have been just me, but it did make it even funnier for me when reading this. Congrats on 5,000 posts, BTW. Quote Everyone is one choice away from being the bad guy in another person's story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voltex Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 When reading this, did anyone else think that the Potoo was screaming 'Mom' for its cry? It may have been just me, but it did make it even funnier for me when reading this. Congrats on 5,000 posts, BTW.I looked up what it sounds like, because a bird as absurd as the potoo is going to have a weird cry. I was right. It literally sounds like it's calling "mom". 3 Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The 1st Shadow Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 I have no idea what this is about, but I must say, it was downright hilarious! Quote ~Your friendly, neighborhood Shadow ~Credit for Avatar and Banner goes to NickonAquaMagna~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghidora131 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Well, this is impressive. To a degree but still impressive! Heh... Nice bird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taka Nuvia Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 This made my day. It's way too accurate and hilarious. I can't even name a favourite joke to repeat for the next few days. xD(also, Potoos are adorable. ) Quote My art collection topic - updated! (21/09/2021) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pohatu: Uniter of Stone Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 How did this become a thing? Quote I HATE SCORPIOS ~Pohatu Master of Stone, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voltex Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 I have no idea what this is about, but I must say, it was downright hilarious! I don't really know what it is either Well, this is impressive. To a degree but still impressive! Heh... Nice bird. tbh if I had one as a pet life would probably instantly become perfect This made my day. It's way too accurate and hilarious. I can't even name a favourite joke to repeat for the next few days. xD(also, Potoos are adorable. ) They're justtoo much How did this become a thing? You do not want to know Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Quisoves Potoo Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Multo bene!This was a good way to start the day. The more who hear the Potoo (may he live countless millennia,) the better. Nor should we forget his cousin, the Tawny Frogmouth. 4 Quote (Credit to Nik the Three for the banner) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghidora131 Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 Now, Frogmouth I remember. The Potoo, I forgot before I read this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seaborgium Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 THEN WHO WAS POTOO?! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voltex Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 please no more .__. Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In Between the Shadows Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 (edited) Seaborgium! What did you do to that Potoo?! Edited January 27, 2015 by Shadow_Ignited Quote ~Just call me Shadow_Ignited~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valendale Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 He must have filled it with seaborgium or something. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
user-402520536 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I think I have to change my display name to Potoo Lord now. Mata Nui help me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voltex Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 I think I have to change my display name to Potoo Lord now. Mata Nui help me. Usually this is the part where I would say "do it do it do it", except that I really don't think you want to. Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
user-402520536 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 (edited) I think I have to change my display name to Potoo Lord now. Mata Nui help me. Usually this is the part where I would say "do it do it do it", except that I really don't think you want to. A year from now, that's exactly what I'm gonna do. Edited January 28, 2015 by Gukko Lord Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MetaStriker Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 you know the world's ending when Voltex posts something in the comedies forum again... I completely did not understand that but the picture was funny therefore I must rate this an A out of 5 also PANZEROTTIS ARE SO GOOD (does this mean that How to Be a Hero prose work is coming now? ) 1 Quote The long awaited third season of TA:OT is finally here!! [sharedmedia=gallery:images:1377] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voltex Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 you know the world's ending when Voltex posts something in the comedies forum again... I completely did not understand that but the picture was funny therefore I must rate this an A out of 5 also PANZEROTTIS ARE SO GOOD (does this mean that How to Be a Hero prose work is coming now? ) I wouldn't count on it. With Tahu being in the 2015 reboot it's technically the perfect time to reboot Tahu vs. Tahu as well - but nothing I've come up with really clicks. It's the same for How to Be a Hero, except worse because now Hero Factory is over and Bionicle is back. 1 Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JiMing Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I really don't know where this came from and I don't want to. but i busted a gut so thanks Voltex, I'll foot you my medical bills. Quote Haven't seen one of these in a long time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Voltex Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 I really don't know where this came from and I don't want to. but i busted a gut so thanks Voltex, I'll foot you my medical bills. I do not wish to pay for any medical bills Quote JOIN AETHERGARDE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eyru Posted February 6, 2015 Share Posted February 6, 2015 Hi there! I'm here with your official review from the Comedies Critics Club. Your comment in the CCC topic was, and I quote: “tear it apart.” Unfortunately, I'm far too Canadian to rip your comedy limb from limb and defile the remains, but I'll do my best to put it on full blast. Technical Review The technical portion of my review is dedicated to some the most frequently overlooked tools in a comedic writer's repertoire. Though many people believe that writing a comedy requires nothing more than a few good jokes, I'm of the opinion that spelling, grammar, and stylistic choices such as pacing and description are really what separate the wheat from the chaff. You can have complex characters and a killer plot, but they're only as good as a writer's ability to communicate those things to the reader. Fortunately, it looks like you've run your comedy through a spell-check once or twice, as I wasn't able to find any errors. It's amazing how much that adds to even the simplest story. There's a lot of dialogue in this comedy, and you handle it very well. Sometimes the dialogue is accompanied by descriptions of the speaker's face or movements; at other times, you simply alternate lines of dialogue given by different characters for a fast-paced, back-and-forth kind of feel. As all of the conflict in your story comes from the interactions of the characters, it's good to see that you handle your dialogue so skilfully. Your pacing is difficult to comment on, as there doesn't seem to be much of it. The comedy toddles along without anything resembling rising or falling action, and ends exactly how it started: with your characters arguing. Nothing changes, and nothing is decided; they don't even agree on whom to roast. I might find your characters more nuanced were I a reader of your previous work, but as I'm judging this comedy strictly on its own merits, I must admit that I found your characters rather lacking. Aside from describing them as Matoran, no physical description is given. This leaves quite a bit to the imagination: are they Ta-Matoran? Voyatoran? Kardatoran? There's no indication, and that leaves me feeling lost. Continuing on the subject of characters: I don't even know the genders of all your characters, let alone their personalities. Each voice sounds like the next: there's little to distinguish any one character from another. Ideally, I should be able to tell who's speaking or acting by the way they talk or move: one character might stutter; one might be timid; one might walk heavily; one might have a cold. Of course, that's often not possible in a work of this length, but I would recommend trying to give each character a little more individuality. If that seems too difficult, then I might also recommend cutting down your cast. Some characters have only one or two lines, and these might be given to other characters instead, and used to expand their personalities. Story Review Unfortunately, this section is going to be short. There is very little story here: your characters don't develop or change, and there's no development or resolution to the conflict. The story begins and ends in media res: there's no introduction and no conclusion. You've given us a conflict: your characters are deciding whom to roast. But we never find out why they're planning to roast someone (or why they'd even want to), and we don't get to see the resolution to their argument. This makes the story feel ultimately unsatisfying. To fix this, I'd suggest continuing the story and giving your characters room to develop and find their own conclusion. Perhaps they decide to roast the Potoo? Perhaps the Potoo puts out the fire with a flap of its majestic wings? Either of these will elevate the Potoo from its position as an unnecessary object to a meaningful character in its own right, as well as give the story a satisfying conclusion. Humour Review At the end of the day, regardless of its flaws or merits, a comedy will usually be judged on one thing: its humour. This is the Comedies forum, after all, and a comedy without humour is just a short story. I'll admit that I'm not a fan of random humour, which often makes it difficult to review the comedies on BZP. A great deal of the humour in this forum stems from “haha look a pie,” which, more often than not, comes off as tired rather than funny. Slapstick is much harder than it looks. Your humour in this piece is mostly of that variety: your characters say wacky things and act in an exaggerated fashion. However, there are a couple places where I think you had some good jokes, and a little revision could make them shine. For example: “My house burned down!” “Your house did not burn down!” “We are sitting in the remains of my house right now!” I found this almost funny. The reason I didn't laugh was because I almost missed it. You skip so quickly past the punchline that reader doesn't have a chance to linger on the joke. My advice would be to allow your work to “breathe.” Pauses aren't bad: they give the reader an opportunity to look around. Here's how I might change it: “My house burned down!” “Your house did not burn down!” Voltex blinked. “We are sitting in the remains of my house right now!” “Oh.” Seaborgium looked around. “Is this yours?” I could go on, but I'm not here to review, not rewrite. I hope that I've made my point clear: my rushing past the joke and continuing the back-and-forth “Yes we are!” “No we're not!” arguing, you risk losing your reader. Continuing past the punchline weakens its punch, so don't be afraid to linger on the funny bits. Here's another part where you almost got me: “You can’t turn off a Potoo,” Quisoves said. “That would be disrespectful.” “My face is disrespectful, but people turn that off all the time,” Voltex replied. The problem is that Voltex's line doesn't make sense. It was almost funny, but I got confused before I could laugh. How is Voltex's face disrespectful, and how do people turn his face off? It might make more sense if Voltex were a robot and people could “turn off” his facial expressions, but he's not, so it doesn't make sense. I understand what you're going for, but I think a little revision is needed. I hope that makes sense. I think you've made a good effort here in terms of humour, but a little less randomness and a little more intention behind your jokes will really help your comedy shine. Final Thoughts This is a well-written story, but its lack of meaningful plot development and character development make it difficult to appreciate. While the author makes a few good attempt to insert humour, the jokes are not developed as far as they could be, and end up feeling random. Technical grade: 5/10Story grade: 1/10Humour grade: 4/10 Final Comedy grade: 10/30 = 30% 5 Quote BRPG Forum Rules • BZPRPG Starter Topic • Q&A Compendium • SK:A Profiles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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