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The story of Toa Imrukii: Review

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This is the review Topic for my Epic "The story of Toa Imrukii"

 

Here you can discuss thing such as, what to add to the story, what to change, and what specific details you would like to read about in the story!

 

 

 

Okay, have fun!

 

 

The Epic: here

Edited by Toa Imrukii

Quote: "Love has no fear, and no vengeance." |

:t: :m_o: :a: :i: :m: :r: :u: :k: :i: :i: | mEaHKlH.pngAndekas

 

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Found this here in the Epics forum while just snooping around. I thought I saw this one day but I gave it little attention and I immediately forgot about it. Why didn't you tell me you actually began posting this?

 

Alright dude, I admire you starting to write, but I am going to be honest here. There is little narrative, this is more of an info bomb with narrative to it, similar to my descriptions and historical records for what I've written in the ARA topic. The pacing is too fast as well, one cannot immerse themselves to the setting, which caused by another problem: the entire first paragraph as your story is one run-on sentence, there are no periods. What would work great with the periods would be some spelling corrections.

 

Here are some tips to adding narrative:

For a project like an Epic, which is akin to a book, you should reveal the world through the writing, not giving out little pointers before hand, it should be done as the story progresses. Not all writers do this but I find it more immersive when it is done like so, the reader can find out things as the protagonist sees it, which then either said character will explain if it is in first-person point-of-view, or the narrator will if it is in third-person point-of-view. By dialog you can have 'Jim-Bomba' describe the protagonist to someone else while the protagonist overhears, or the protagonist observes themselves in a reflection, where then the narrator can note down what the character sees.

 

 

This will mean much longer posts, but it is worth it. :)  Here is an example I just made up:

 

A Rude Awakening

 

The grasp of the dream world held over Thomas for too long and insanity loomed like a shadow. He urged, demanded, fought, and willed himself to wake. Time passed as Thomas fought to open his eyes, the black ethereal shadow in that deaf, bright white room, the wraith constantly walking towards him all the while never moving. He wrestled within his mind to awake from the presence of this mental wraith, the sheer fear of such a sight powering his futile conflict to remove himself from this world. Hours seemed to passed and the battle of will raged on. Raged and raged did this mental conflict with his own will go on, Thomas' eyelids refusing to lift as though a lock had been placed on them. That was, until his eyelids suddenly popped open, the will that Thomas had poured into his physical self to awaken had all come out at once as he shot forward and flipped over the bed, his head hitting the floor. His body ached, be it muscle, bone, or skin, and now his head physically hurt as well. The mental shadow in that glowing chamber scarred his mind. To take his mind off of it he went to the restroom. After emptying himself he found that the water was not active. Though he noted it strange (also angered that excrement was to be left there), Thomas was to find something else was amiss: when he graced his eyes upon the glass, through the layer of dust he saw that he was older!

 

Examination of all sorts ensued and hysteria intensified, one such finding that his sub-Saharan skin tone had gone pale. Thomas ran out of the bathroom, the black house having rays of lights peer through the blinds. Through the arachnid webbings he hustled in disgust and reached the front door. Attempting to clear his body of the torn webs Thomas then proceeded to grasp the door knob, it's layered muck turning the scared man's face sour. Said sour face was blinded by the surging rays of the yellow sun as it swayed open, a minor yell escaping his lips as the poor man tried to block it with his arms and hands. As his eyes adjusted, something greater than the ethereal shadow would scar this man for eternity: giant metallic banana peels that towered like sky-scrapers and climbed like mountainous peaks, with ape-men in tuxedos and dresses walking by and gasping at the sight of an extinct creature: the bare man.
 

Edited by Sir Iaredios

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A RUDE AWAKENING - A Spherus Magna redo | Tzais-Kuluu  |  Pushing Back The Tide  |  Last Words  |  Black Coronation  | Blue Man Bound | Visions of Thasos   ن

We are all but grey specks in a dark complex before a single white light

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Found this here in the Epics forum while just snooping around. I thought I saw this one day but I gave it little attention and I immediately forgot about it. Why didn't you tell me you actually began posting this?

 

Alright dude, I admire you starting to write, but I am going to be honest here. There is little narrative, this is more of an info bomb with narrative to it, similar to my descriptions and historical records for what I've written in the ARA topic. The pacing is too fast as well, one cannot immerse themselves to the setting, which caused by another problem: the entire first paragraph as your story is one run-on sentence, there are no periods. What would work great with the periods would be some spelling corrections.

 

Here are some tips to adding narrative:

For a project like an Epic, which is akin to a book, you should reveal the world through the writing, not giving out little pointers before hand, it should be done as the story progresses. Not all writers do this but I find it more immersive when it is done like so, the reader can find out things as the protagonist sees it, which then either said character will explain if it is in first-person point-of-view, or the narrator will if it is in third-person point-of-view. By dialog you can have 'Jim-Bomba' describe the protagonist to someone else while the protagonist overhears, or the protagonist observes themselves in a reflection, where then the narrator can note down what the character sees.

 

 

This will mean much longer posts, but it is worth it. :)  Here is an example I just made up:

 

A Rude Awakening

 

The grasp of the dream world held over Thomas for too long and insanity loomed like a shadow. He urged, demanded, fought, and willed himself to wake. Time passed as Thomas fought to open his eyes, the black ethereal shadow in that deaf, bright white room, the wraith constantly walking towards him all the while never moving. He wrestled within his mind to awake from the presence of this mental wraith, the sheer fear of such a sight powering his futile conflict to remove himself from this world. Hours seemed to passed and the battle of will raged on. Raged and raged did this mental conflict with his own will go on, Thomas' eyelids refusing to lift as though a lock had been placed on them. That was, until his eyelids suddenly popped open, the will that Thomas had poured into his physical self to awaken had all come out at once as he shot forward and flipped over the bed, his head hitting the floor. His body ached, be it muscle, bone, or skin, and now his head physically hurt as well. The mental shadow in that glowing chamber scarred his mind. To take his mind off of it he went to the restroom. After emptying himself he found that the water was not active. Though he noted it strange (also angered that excrement was to be left there), Thomas was to find something else was amiss: when he graced his eyes upon the glass, through the layer of dust he saw that he was older!

 

Examination of all sorts ensued and hysteria intensified, one such finding that his sub-Saharan skin tone had gone pale. Thomas ran out of the bathroom, the black house having rays of lights peer through the blinds. Through the arachnid webbings he hustled in disgust and reached the front door. Attempting to clear his body of the torn webs Thomas then proceeded to grasp the door knob, it's layered muck turning the scared man's face sour. Said sour face was blinded by the surging rays of the yellow sun as it swayed open, a minor yell escaping his lips as the poor man tried to block it with his arms and hands. As his eyes adjusted, something greater than the ethereal shadow would scar this man for eternity: giant metallic banana peels that towered like sky-scrapers and climbed like mountainous peaks, with ape-men in tuxedos and dresses walking by and gasping at the sight of an extinct creature: the bare man.

 

 

 

I am going to lengthen it out, add more detail, and make it better before I move on to the other chapters.

 

Right now it's just a rough summary of things, not going into the very fine details. Just the basic information.


Quote: "Love has no fear, and no vengeance." |

:t: :m_o: :a: :i: :m: :r: :u: :k: :i: :i: | mEaHKlH.pngAndekas

 

pure_muscle.png

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Found this here in the Epics forum while just snooping around. I thought I saw this one day but I gave it little attention and I immediately forgot about it. Why didn't you tell me you actually began posting this?

 

Alright dude, I admire you starting to write, but I am going to be honest here. There is little narrative, this is more of an info bomb with narrative to it, similar to my descriptions and historical records for what I've written in the ARA topic. The pacing is too fast as well, one cannot immerse themselves to the setting, which caused by another problem: the entire first paragraph as your story is one run-on sentence, there are no periods. What would work great with the periods would be some spelling corrections.

 

Here are some tips to adding narrative:

For a project like an Epic, which is akin to a book, you should reveal the world through the writing, not giving out little pointers before hand, it should be done as the story progresses. Not all writers do this but I find it more immersive when it is done like so, the reader can find out things as the protagonist sees it, which then either said character will explain if it is in first-person point-of-view, or the narrator will if it is in third-person point-of-view. By dialog you can have 'Jim-Bomba' describe the protagonist to someone else while the protagonist overhears, or the protagonist observes themselves in a reflection, where then the narrator can note down what the character sees.

 

 

This will mean much longer posts, but it is worth it. :)  Here is an example I just made up:

 

A Rude Awakening

 

The grasp of the dream world held over Thomas for too long and insanity loomed like a shadow. He urged, demanded, fought, and willed himself to wake. Time passed as Thomas fought to open his eyes, the black ethereal shadow in that deaf, bright white room, the wraith constantly walking towards him all the while never moving. He wrestled within his mind to awake from the presence of this mental wraith, the sheer fear of such a sight powering his futile conflict to remove himself from this world. Hours seemed to passed and the battle of will raged on. Raged and raged did this mental conflict with his own will go on, Thomas' eyelids refusing to lift as though a lock had been placed on them. That was, until his eyelids suddenly popped open, the will that Thomas had poured into his physical self to awaken had all come out at once as he shot forward and flipped over the bed, his head hitting the floor. His body ached, be it muscle, bone, or skin, and now his head physically hurt as well. The mental shadow in that glowing chamber scarred his mind. To take his mind off of it he went to the restroom. After emptying himself he found that the water was not active. Though he noted it strange (also angered that excrement was to be left there), Thomas was to find something else was amiss: when he graced his eyes upon the glass, through the layer of dust he saw that he was older!

 

Examination of all sorts ensued and hysteria intensified, one such finding that his sub-Saharan skin tone had gone pale. Thomas ran out of the bathroom, the black house having rays of lights peer through the blinds. Through the arachnid webbings he hustled in disgust and reached the front door. Attempting to clear his body of the torn webs Thomas then proceeded to grasp the door knob, it's layered muck turning the scared man's face sour. Said sour face was blinded by the surging rays of the yellow sun as it swayed open, a minor yell escaping his lips as the poor man tried to block it with his arms and hands. As his eyes adjusted, something greater than the ethereal shadow would scar this man for eternity: giant metallic banana peels that towered like sky-scrapers and climbed like mountainous peaks, with ape-men in tuxedos and dresses walking by and gasping at the sight of an extinct creature: the bare man.

 

 

 

I am going to lengthen it out, add more detail, and make it better before I move on to the other chapters.

 

Right now it's just a rough summary of things, not going into the very fine details. Just the basic information.

 

I hope you enjoyed that stupid story and reference. :lol:


line.gif

new_roman_banner1.png

A RUDE AWAKENING - A Spherus Magna redo | Tzais-Kuluu  |  Pushing Back The Tide  |  Last Words  |  Black Coronation  | Blue Man Bound | Visions of Thasos   ن

We are all but grey specks in a dark complex before a single white light

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I have updated the story with some of the second chapter.


Quote: "Love has no fear, and no vengeance." |

:t: :m_o: :a: :i: :m: :r: :u: :k: :i: :i: | mEaHKlH.pngAndekas

 

pure_muscle.png

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Well... I'll get up to chapter five, than make a new post. For future reference.

 

EDIT: Y'know what? No. I'll copy, delete, and paste chapter 2 as a new post when I have the time.

Edited by Toa Imrukii

Quote: "Love has no fear, and no vengeance." |

:t: :m_o: :a: :i: :m: :r: :u: :k: :i: :i: | mEaHKlH.pngAndekas

 

pure_muscle.png

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Could you please go back and fix up the typos? Reading Chapter 1 was a slight chore because of that. To help with this, I recommend writing stuff down in Microsoft Word or some similar program that can easily tell you what you misspelled. You will also be able to save your stuff, which is very helpful since BZPower could have another glitch and wipe out some topics (happened to me before, lost an entire epic. It sucked in hindsight though, so maybe it was an act of God. :lol: ).


line.gif

new_roman_banner1.png

A RUDE AWAKENING - A Spherus Magna redo | Tzais-Kuluu  |  Pushing Back The Tide  |  Last Words  |  Black Coronation  | Blue Man Bound | Visions of Thasos   ن

We are all but grey specks in a dark complex before a single white light

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Could you please go back and fix up the typos? Reading Chapter 1 was a slight chore because of that. To help with this, I recommend writing stuff down in Microsoft Word or some similar program that can easily tell you what you misspelled. You will also be able to save your stuff, which is very helpful since BZPower could have another glitch and wipe out some topics (happened to me before, lost an entire epic. It sucked in hindsight though, so maybe it was an act of God. :lol: ).

Or an act of butthurt BZP haters (why do people hate BZP so much? It's much better than other fansites and groups I've been in by a long shot! No butthurt hypocritical zealous fans here.) In anycase, I'll fix the typos that I somehow missed, it has been bugging me for some time now anyway.

 

As for saving my work, I could probably just save it as a pages document (Mac program, basically word... But, y'know, worse.) Copy paste and all that jazz. Or I could just use google docs. Or I could save it to Notes on my iPad, email it back to myself to save it in another place, ect.

 

 

In anycase, the reason why I haven't worked much on it, is because I've been very preoccupied (plus I just want to make flags right now). Anyway, is there anything I should rewrite or redo? Rethink, or think over?

 

 

EDIT: I fixed the typos.

Edited by Toa Imrukii

Quote: "Love has no fear, and no vengeance." |

:t: :m_o: :a: :i: :m: :r: :u: :k: :i: :i: | mEaHKlH.pngAndekas

 

pure_muscle.png

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I read the whole story.

 

It's a simple and neat beginning. And needs some grammar and correcting on quoting structures. I can help you with that! ;) I can also help you figuring out your Toa teams, their personalities, and etc! I'm currently making mines too.

 

PM me if you'd like! ;) and we can discuss more about OCs and story plotting! :3

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