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Alyska

Mahri Christmas

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Hi all! Have some cracky Christmas comedy.

 

This is another one of those weird beasts that could have been labelled a short story or a comedy, but I figure it will appeal more to the sort of mind that hangs out in the comedy forum rather than those who like the more serious stuff.

 

So here it is- a story of drunk Toa, very angry Christmas tree decorations, and the perils of falling in love with giant robots.

 

Enjoy and have a great holiday, everyone!

 

Mahri Christmas
 

“Kiina!” yelled Ackar from the other side of the town centre courtyard. “Got another three over here!”

 

Kiina groaned, and squinted in the early morning light. The streets were quiet now, but they would soon be abuzz with shoppers of many different species busy buying gifts and food. A massive conifer had been erected in the square yesterday, and a few of the shops had brightly coloured decorations in the windows.

 

Gresh had been particularly mesmerised by the whole thing.  Decorations like these hadn’t been put up since the Shattering, and his own memories of the holiday were faint (Kiina had to feel for the poor guy- very few things could mess up your childhood like a planet getting blown up). But Kiina herself had more important things to worry about at that moment, so she barely looked at the festive decorations.

 

If she had, she might have noticed the unusually large and rather unhappy-looking ornament at the top of the tree.

 

“Better not be more Skakdi,” she muttered, trudging towards Ackar and the three horizontal figures at his feet. During the past week alone, Kiina had dealt with over a dozen blind-drunk Matoran (at the same time), and one drunk Skakdi, and there was no question about which was worse. Matoran were easily subdued- take off their masks and they fell asleep almost instantly. She and Ackar had found out where they lived, piled them into their vehicles and dropped them all off at their homes, enlisting some helpful neighbours to watch over them while they recovered.

 

 Some of the Kanohi might have been accidentally swapped around in the process (Kiina hadn’t realised they lost colour when removed, which made matching them to their owners more difficult), but it was a small price to pay for getting home safely, she reasoned.

 

Kiina had expected the Skakdi to be a challenge, but she hadn’t been at all prepared for that unique experience. Skakdi, as it turned out, became extremely chatty and affectionate when intoxicated. Also very clingy and quite hard to get rid of. She’d got him back to his house, eventually, put him to bed, and started on her way home, only to find him shuffling towards her five minutes later, singing a well-intentioned but slightly inappropriate song about his new best friend, the “nice blue lady”.  Luckily for Kiina, they hadn’t been too far from Ackar’s place at the time. Long story short, Ackar had helped get Kiina’s new friend back where he belonged and ensured that he stayed there.

 

There may have been a lullaby involved.

 

And possibly the teeniest, tiniest little bit of bludgeoning somebody over the head with a blunt object.

 

Heck, to a Skakdi, that practically is a lullaby.

 

I don’t know why I bother sometimes, thought Kiina.

 

No, scratch that. She knew exactly why she bothered. Well, one of the reasons, anyway. The main reason, even.  Maybe if she hadn’t met Mata Nui personally, hadn’t fought alongside him, hadn’t sat up late around a campfire listening to stories of other worlds…

 

Hadn’t gone and fallen in love with the strange man who fell out of the sky in a magic mask and was actually a humongous planet-fixing robot-god, basically…

 

…Well, she supposed she would still want to help the newcomers settle in. She’d always had a reasonably functional sense of justice and fairness and empathy and all those other things that life after the Shattering tried to iron out of you, but the things she’d found herself doing lately continued to surprise her. The Kiina that she’d been just a few short years ago wouldn’t bother helping a drunk Skakdi…

 

She reached into her satchel, and her fingers found the shape of a small metal tube. A cheerful chirping sound echoed from the tube as Kiina tickled the little purple insect that hid in there.

 

  Kiina did not regret falling in love with Mata Nui. Even though it hurt. Even though she didn’t understand exactly why he chose to retreat back into the mask and leave everyone. Even if she never really knew what she actually meant to him. She did not regret one single second of the time she’d spent with him…

 

…Although, sometimes she did sort of wish that he hadn’t left her to play nanny to his several thousand oversized mechanical children.

 

 Many of whom were just discovering the concept of alcohol.

 

Today’s culprits, as it turns out, were three Toa, which was still hopefully a bit easier than one Skakdi. Kiina had met them only briefly before, but she’d got chatting to Toa Hahli often enough to know a bit about them.

 

“Toa Mahri,” she told Ackar. “That one’s…that’s Kongu,” she said, pointing at the green one with the beard-like mask.

 

“And the other two?” asked Ackar.

 

“Hewkii and… Nuparu, I think it was…” She’d heard the names often enough, and knew that one was Earth and the other Stone, but couldn’t quite recall which was which. “I don’t know where they live, but I could go find Hahli…”

 

Kongu was beginning to stir. He rolled onto his side, revealing a mass of what looked like orange, mechanical feathers stuck to his torso. He winced as he moved, and Kiina noticed what looked like bruising of some of the organic tissue on his arms and legs.

 

“What happened to you?” asked Ackar.

 

“Too much happy-juice,” he babbled, waving his hand around vaguely. “Decided to take joy-fly on Gukko-back. Forgot about Toa-size.  Gukko quick-buck, Kongu deep-fall. Hewkii tried to make feather-light, came out rock-weight, Kongu went ouch-splat.”  He winced and slumped his head back down to the ground. “Hurts to live-exist…” he whimpered.

 

Ackar turned to look at Kiina. “Did you understand any of that?”

 

Kiina shrugged. “Think I got the general gist of it. He fell off… something, and hit harder than he should have because his friend was drunk and couldn’t use his gravity powers properly.”

 

“Right…” said Ackar, “I think we might have more luck with the others.” He gestured towards the one with the mask that looked like a weird sea creature, who was beginning to stir. “Try Fishface over here,”

 

Kiina crouched down beside the heavy-set Toa. The Toa squinted blearily up at her. He looked like all of his wildest dreams had suddenly come true.

 

“Macku,” he mumbled excitedly, “You’re a Toa…”

 

“Wrong on both counts, I’m afraid,” said Kiina gently. “Name’s Kiina. I think we might have met before?”

 

“Hyuuuh-(hic)-kii” came the slurred reply. So this was Hewkii, then… or what was left of him, after whatever shenanigans took place last night. There was a small piece of tinsel caught in the corner of his mask.  It was at this point that Kiina also noticed the pink party hat atop the sleeping Toa Nuparu’s head.

 

“So, you three were at a party last night?” she asked Hewkii.

 

Hewkii frowned and shrugged. The details, apparently, eluded him.

 

She plucked the tinsel from his mask and dangled it in front of him.

 

“Ring any bells?” she asked him.

 

“Yeeeeah…” he said, a demented smile creeping across his face.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Bells.” There was a note of pride in his voice. “We rang ALL of the bells…”

 

Right on cue, Toa Nuparu sat bolt upright and launched into a loud, mangled version of “Jingle Bells”. In his hand, he had a small set of tinkling bells, and he seemed determined to get as much noise out of them as possible. Ackar very gently hushed him and confiscated the toy.

 

There was a sound like a muffled shout, seemingly from the other side of the courtyard. Kiina glanced around and saw nobody, and figured it must be a few streets away. She turned her attention back to Hewkii. Ackar, meanwhile, looked a bit more closely for the source of the noise.

 

“Uh, Kiina…” he said after a moment.

 

“Mmhm?”

 

“Your eyesight’s better than mine. Tell me, is it just me… or is that angel moving?”

 

“Angel?” Kiina looked up at the top of the tree. She hadn’t even noticed that someone had already put an angel up there.

 

She was quite a shabby-looking angel, to be honest.  Her dress looked like it was made from coloured giftwrap, held in place with several layers or red ribbon tied around and around her body, even around most of her head. She had no hair, no visible arms, and nothing clearly resembling a face.  Her wings seemed to consist mostly of cooking foil and tinsel.

 

She looked like something a young Agori child might proudly bring home from kindergarten.

 

Only much bigger.

 

And much, much angrier.

 

For the angel was indeed moving. Thrashing, in fact, kicking her legs around, wings flapping wildly. She was secured to the top of the tree by strong rope, and was battling to get free. The conifer was beginning to sway dangerously. Kiina and Ackar scrambled to get out of the tree’s potential falling radius.

 

Kiina vaguely recalled hearing bedtime stories as a little girl about a tree-angel that would come to life, fly down from her perch and grant wishes for people, or take good little children on magical adventures. But the scene unfolding before her looked more like something out of a campfire horror story.

 

 She supposed that after all the strange things she’d encountered recently, psychotic animate tree ornaments didn’t seem all that farfetched.

 

But Ackar, as usual, had a more reasonable explanation. “Is that a Toa in there?”

 

His question was answered when one of the angel’s wings was ripped open, revealing a wicked-looking silver fin underneath.

 

“Hahli?!” cried Kiina. But there was no time for questions. “Hahli! Listen! You have to stop struggling or you’ll bring the whole tree down on us!”

 

The thrashing stopped.

 

“’-iina?” came the muffled reply. “Whurram I?”

 

“Do you think she’s drunk, too?” whispered Ackar.

 

“Possibly…” said Kiina. Hahli didn’t seem like the type to drink that much, but Kiina knew she had an adventurous streak.  Besides, that Hewkii guy had “Charismatic Bad Influence” written all over him. And she was fairly certain Hahli wouldn’t allow herself to be wrapped up and tied to a tree if she herself had been completely sober.

 

“You’re tied to the top of a tree in the town centre, “ Ackar told the Toa of Water. “We can get you down,  I’ll just get Kiina to- Kiina?”

 

But Kiina had marched back over to Hahli’s three brothers, where were all slumped back down on the ground.

 

Right, she thought. No more “Nice Blue Lady”.

 

“Hey!” she yelled.

 

 No response.

 

She summoned a sphere of water and dropped it on Hewkii’s head. “Hey! You!”

 

The Toa of Stone gave a yelp and rolled over sideways, staring up at Kiina with wild eyes.

 

Kiina pointed to the tree-bound Toa of Water. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about this, would you?”

 

Confusion crossed Hewkii’s face, followed by recognition, and then silent dread.

 

“Maybe…” he managed

 

“ And what made you think that was a good idea?”

 

Hewkii looked sheepish.

 

“We were just trying to do the thing,” he said sulkily.

 

“The thing?”

 

“Yeah. You know, the thing-thing.”

 

“Like in the song-carol,” added Kongu, who was still too sore to move.

 

“Which song?” asked Kiina. She lowered her voice so as not to rouse Nuparu. “…'Jingle bells’…?” she whispered.

 

“Nah, the other one. You know, ‘Deck the halls with bales of… of…’” he frowned. “That song don’t make sense,” he muttered, just as Nuparu joined in with an off-key “FalalalaLAAA”

 

Kiina sighed. She could see where the misunderstanding had happened, but that really wasn’t a good enough excuse to justify doing that to the Toa of Water.

 

Holly,” she snapped .

 

“Nah, nah. ‘m Hewkii. Hahli’s the blue one with the big…” Hewkii raised his hands above his shoulders and made a flapping motion. “…thingies

 

“I said ‘holly’. The song says ‘bales of holly’. It’s a type of plant. Agori used to decorate their houses with it in winter. ”

 

Ohhhhh…” said Hewkii, then paused. “Why would they do that?”

 

“I like our version better,” said Nuparu, admiring his drunken handiwork from afar.

 

“Very nice-pretty,” said Kongu, oblivious to just how much more pain he would be in once Hahli got down.

 

Kiina sighed again. There was no point trying to reason with them in this state. The best she could really do would be to rescue Hahli from her festive cocoon, and try to prevent her from beating her brothers up too badly afterwards. She could walk them all home later… if anyone was in fit condition to walk, that is.

 

“I’ll get the ladder,” she called to Ackar as she left for home.  Her place was quite close by, just a quick shortcut through this alleyway, and-

 

“Heeeeeey, it’s her! Hey, blue lady, remember me?”

 

Kiina’s heart sank as she turned to see the familiar red eyes and toothy smile.

 

“Hey, boys! Come meet my friend!”

“Hey, toots!”

“Heeeeeeeeey,,,,”

“Aw, look at her little squishy face… Can we keep her?”

“Wanna see my collection of Vortixx heads?”

 

Kiina groaned inwardly but tried to manage a polite smile as the four intoxicated Skakdi approached her.

 

It was going to be another one of those days.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Upvote 2

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I saw your post in 'Matoran culture: Politeness', never thought you'd incorporate drunk Skakdi into a story so fast though!


-L- to the -K-


Sometimes, I look at my desk, and think, "What am I doing with my life?"


...


Then, I go back to my videogames.


I used to be known as 'Gresh's Thornax...Ouchy!!!', before I realised what a silly name it was.


Other previous names include Lihkan435 and Chip Biscuit.

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No one in my family is a drinker, so I have never had an experience of being at a wild Christmas party. But this is pretty much what I imagine would have happened. Pretty funny, glad to see the stuff from the Storyline Thread sneak over into here.


51111205477_67d4a683a3_w.jpg.35eee0936d7694c260f7d93d2528590c.jpg

Po-Wahi visions in my head
(Temple Mountain San Rafael Swell, Utah) 

 

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Comedy and alcoholic bevrages included? Sounds like my kind of comedy. Great work! 9.87/10.

 

Now, where did I put that Gukko in reindeer antlers?


"In this new- Wait, why am I being quoted?!"

-Kovika, Toa of Ice, Bread Enthusiast, and Ko-Metru Scholar.

 

 

 

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Thanks for reading, guys!

 

Yeah, I was halfway through the story when I reread the S&T thread and started thinking about drunk Skakdi. At first I was like, "Oh, they'd be awful, they'd get into fights and chew up furniture and throw Matoran at people like the cat lady on the Simpsons- I should totally have Kiina bump into one."

 

But then I thought, 

 

"No, what if they got super friendly and clingy and just wanted to cuddle everything that moved and sang slightly creepy songs about friendship? I should totally have Kiina bump into one."

 

And Kiina and Ackar's method of dealing with him basically just wrote itself. ("Soft Skakdi, warm Skakdi, little ball of-" *CLONK*)

  • Upvote 1

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This was good fun to read! :) My favorite parts were the humorous falling for Mata Nui, Hewkii's misidentification of Macku, and Kongu's trying to ride a Gukko as a Toa. :P I wasn't really following Bionicle by the time the Matoran became Toa, but I'm pretty sure that the later Bionicle universe can always use more humorous references to the time when they were still Matoran! It's also a very good way of drawing in more storyline-oblivious readers like myself who were only big fans during the first few years.

 

Anyway, nice work and thanks for posting it! We probably don't have enough prose-heavy, plot-driven stories in the Comedies forum, so this is a welcome addition. :)

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Man, this is hilarious. I came over here for a quick laugh and... man, I'm blown away by this one. It's lovely to know that my line about Skakdi consuming alcoholic fluids gained momentum. I've heard a lot of good Bionicle theories and jokes in my time, but yours about them being super friendly and clingy when drunk is the best.

This is the perfect Spherus Magna Christmas comedy.

 

This is what probably happened once or twice back on Voya Nui...

 

Piraka Party:

*REIDAK has had one too many, THOK and AVAK have passed out, while HAKANN, VEZOK and ZAKTAN are (drunkenly) singing the Piraka Rap in the background. Enter DALU, bearing a ridiculously sharp axe*

H, V & Z: Yo yo Piraka!  yo yo Piraka!...

 

*DALU approaches REIDAK as he finishes another cold one*

 

ZAKTAN: The gang is on the looshe, nothin' you can do...

 

VEZOK: The Beasht on the move

 

HAKANN: Bully comin' thru...

 

*DALU brings up her axe. REIDAK turns. He tackles her to the floor in an almighty bear hug*

 

REIDAK: Dalu! It'sh been too long! Waaay too long! You're my beshtest-

 

HAKANN: Trigger, Tracer, Drifter comin' too /

 

ZAKTAN: Add the Shnake, that makesh Piraka crew!

 

REIDAK: Squishy friend inna hole world! We can be together ferever! We eat lotsh of Bula pie, an' make daisy chains together, krump Thok, and, and-

 

*Fade out to Dalu whimpering in horror as she is bombarded with 'Yo Yo Piraka'*

 

Anyway Alyska, this is comedy gold, keep up the good work! You might very well be the next biggest thing to be comin' straight outta the funny forums.

Edited by Erasmus Graves
  • Upvote 1

"Mutiny, Booty and Entropy"  - The Three Vices of the Frostelus

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Aw, thanks, Erasmus! Poor Dalu, though...

 

This was good fun to read! :) My favorite parts were the humorous falling for Mata Nui, Hewkii's misidentification of Macku, and Kongu's trying to ride a Gukko as a Toa. :P I wasn't really following Bionicle by the time the Matoran became Toa, but I'm pretty sure that the later Bionicle universe can always use more humorous references to the time when they were still Matoran! It's also a very good way of drawing in more storyline-oblivious readers like myself who were only big fans during the first few years.

 

Anyway, nice work and thanks for posting it! We probably don't have enough prose-heavy, plot-driven stories in the Comedies forum, so this is a welcome addition. :)

Glad you liked it! You might enjoy the Inika-Mahri arc, since it has fairly strong links back to the early years (e.g. Nuparu regularly used his engineering skills to good effect- Macku isn't mentioned much, but this is implied to be deliberate on Hewkii's part as he misses her). I think they're fun characters to revisit, especially when it comes to putting them in situations outside life-or-death struggles for silly comedies.

 

I'm umming and ahhing about a spinoff that explains where Jaller was during this fic (He was meant to be the one who stayed sober and looked after the others, but was called away to attend to urgent Toa duties. And by "urgent Toa duties," I mean "drunk Takanuva"). But that would probably be better suited to some sort of visual medium, rather than a written comedy...


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