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Dynamics: Review Topic


Allanon Loke

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This is the review topic for Dynamics. Dynamics is a story of adventure and action. The entire cast is made up by me, but they are placed in the Bionicle universe. There will be gore in future chapters, so I warn thee ahead of time. Leave a review if you feel the story is worthy of one. Here is a rough sketch I made of an Ithamar, the Rahi used by Zebulun:263668_10150216874418492_556303491_7412517_1525282_n.jpgYes, the sketch only had two legs, but the Rahi has four legs.

Edited by Allanon Loke

My New Story Topic

 

Dynamics - my new epic. Chapter 1 up. "I am sorry for that, though I have never heard a smell called rude."

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  • 10 months later...

Well, the first thing I noticed were some formatting issues: namely, one of your chapters having the normal font while the other had Times New Roman. Also, you might want to put a few spaces between the intro (which IMO should go in the review topic) and the chapter heading. Aside from that, I don't have any other formatting gripes.The plot itself is relatively simple, and for some odd reason (the second chapter mainly) keeps reminding me of either Rangers Apprentice (Morgorath and the Wargels) or Redwall. It's basically a random race of intelligent Rahi led by some evil vortixx trying to conquer an island of toa and matoran. Simple, and good if executed rightly.In all honesty, I liked the characters of the villains much more than those of the good characters: the toa seem rather stereotyped, and I had to remind myself that Ray was not Kopaka, Vicant was not an overly belligerent Tahu, and so on. I hope we'll see more diversity as the story proceeds, but right now I'm really not feeling much of the toa. Only their leader sticks out, really.

"Well, what now?" a bored looking Ikiku, Toa of Stone, asked an equally bored looking, and fidgeting, Toa of Air.
Although technically this sentence is grammatically correct, it appears clunky and ill-flowing. Perhaps something like "Ikiku, Toa of Stone, asked in a bored tone to a nearby Toa of Air, whose fidgeting betrayed his equal boredom." But you can rework it however you like; the point is, it should flow so that the reader can read it easily.
Nevertheless, the basic context of what Lant and Ray were saying was clear by the Turaga's harsh tone and the Toa's excusing and placating tone. Lant sat down next to Ray, though he moved his chair away from the smelly Toa.
It might be just me, but 'excusing' and 'placating' seem completely out of character descriptions of Ray.
"I have chosen Toa Kappa of Air and Water to be the second in command."
I hope you give a description later on at least, but it'd be nice to know how this guy controls two elements.
Zebulun frowned in annoyance and repulsion. His subjects positively disgusted him at times. It did not matter to him that they were Rahi, though intelligent Rahi. He still thought that they were a nuisance to keep under control. The only thing he enjoyed about them was their loyalty and extreme numbers. He had never once lost a battle because he had numbers on his side. Though, he hated to watch the aftermath because the Ithamar would eat their slain enemies. He had gotten it through their animal brains to eat them out of his sight.
I felt like just screaming 'NOOOOOOOOO' when I saw that. Sorry, but whenever a villain has an army with really large numbers, it ends up being stereotyped. Like the illogical visorak vs Hordika arena battle. Unless rightly handled, having large numbers leads to villains with really bad aim, and villains who basically don't try to kill the heroes as they should.Overall, this is a decent story, and at this early stage has the potency to go right, or go wrong, depending on the execution. Give the toa more originality, avoid stereotypes with the Rahi, and it could turn out well.
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