Bionicle: Broken Hope

[ZTG]

The review topic for my new story.Epic: http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=4900&pid=274178&st=0entry274178

Edited May 21, 2012 by Zacax

[fishers64]

Well...Is the Prologue necessary? It mostly describes what we already know. That last couple lines about Metus being in charge and the new city. How did Metus get there? I think you could have told that story as the prologue; that would have definitely helped you. Chapter 1: I liked the conflict idea you have introduced. Metus in charge; that's pretty smart. Also that people would wish to undermine him; he's hardly a good ruler. Chapter 2:

The youn toa was almost finished witht the latest prototype for a new Maxolis design, which were once used by the Order.

You meant "Maxlios design", right? You've done a good job cultivating mystery here about the Maxlios design. Nice.Chapter 3: Not much to say about this chapter. It's good. * * * In general, I strongly suggest running this epic through a spelling and grammar checker. Along with fixing the prologue, that will encourage people to read through your work and comment on it instead of looking at the first two lines and leaving.

[ZTG]

Thanks for the advice, I just made the changes, thank you for the review!

Edited May 24, 2012 by Zacax

[TNTOS]

Official ECC Review:First off, I'd like to say that I like how you set this epic in the future Spherus Magna (or, as you call it, New Spherus). It's an idea I myself am going to use for a fanfic in the future, so by reading this I am getting an idea of what other people might have already done with the concept.Second, choosing Metus as the main antagonist is interesting. I think he's probably working with Teridax, considering all of the clues you've given us so far to his master's identity. Then again, Teridax is supposed to be dead, but I don't know who else it coud be.Third, your chapters are quite short, but shortness isn't a flaw. A chapter should be as long or as short as it needs to be (plus it takes less time to read shorter chapters than longer ones ).I think your biggest problem is spelling, grammar, and punctuation. You make too many mistakes each chapter for me to quote them all. I hesitae to quote even a few because that might give off the impression that those are the only ones worth worrying about when all are equally worrisome. I suggest you read some English reference books or have someone who understands composition better than you read over your chapters before your post them.Also, several things puzzle me about this story. How did Metus take over "the city" (which you never name, so far as I can tell) so quickly? Why didn't Zacax, a Toa, know that the other Toa were all imprisoned underneath the building in which he apparently worked? Why aren't Ambera and Lornatiz/Lornitaz, two Toa, also imprisoned? Why can Zacax control two elements (fire and electricity) whereas all of the other Toa we've met so far can only control one? Why does no one seem to care that Metus is in charge? Even if no one knows that Metera and Metus are one and the same, surely they wouldn't be happy to have such an obviously evil fellow ruling them? Or is Metus pretending to be a benevolent ruler?Thing is, your readers can't read your mind. You may have several good answers for those questions I listed, but thus far you have not mentioned them in the story. You need realize that your readers only know as much about the story as you write, so if you want them to know more, then make sure to foresee as many possible questions as you can and to answer them as best as you can in the story.The characters are flat, two-dimensional, and uninteresting. Metus is just your cliched evil villain, while Zacax is nothing more than your generic main character. Vakama acts very different from how he does in the official story and, while new takes on canon characters can be interesting, this isn't.I also question the inclusion of Ambera and Lornatiz/Lornitaz. Thus far, they have added nothing to the story. I'm not saying that they need to interact with the main plot immediately, but Chapter 3 was completely pointless to the plot and so was most of Chapter 6. Every chapter should include something plot-related, which is where Chapter 3 fails because so far neither Lornatiz/Lornitaz nor Ambera have affected the plot much, if at all.Also, why is Helsina (AKA Kiina) fighting Lornatiz/Lornitaz? There's no explanation. Is it because Lornatiz/Lornitaz is trying to attack Metus? Or does Metus consider Lornatiz/Lornitaz a threat and so sent Helsina to capture her? Just seems too random to me. I am especially concerned about Ambera, who apparently doesn't care too much about her master who has mysteriously disappeared without a trace.And why would Kiina (or Helsina, as she is call here) work for Metus? This is the same guy who tried to kill Mata Nui, who you have implied in the story Kiina is in love with. Add to the fact that Kiina knows that Metus is working with Teridax and it still doesn't make any sense. At least Takanuva (AKA Garncha) has a plausible reason for working for the enemy, for someone else is controlling his body. Kiina, on the other hand, is apparently working for Metus of her own free will, which makes no sense at all.You may have noticed I write "Lornatiz/Lornitaz" whenever I write the Toa of Psionics' name. That's because in the story you inconsistently use both spellings for the character's name.In Chapter 3 it is Lornatiz, but in Chapter 6 it is Lornitaz. Which is it? You have to be consistent with your characters' names because you, the author, are the only one who knows the correct spelling. Choose one spelling and stick with it. Never let your readers second guess because it will detract them from the story, which is not what you're aiming to do (hopefully).Overall, I am not impressed with this story. It feels like a very early, very rough draft due to the lack of description, lack of character development, numerous plot holes and unexplained events, and the multitude of spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors.I am not saying everything about this epic is bad or that you should abandon it. What I am saying is that this story needs improvement. As I said before, you should probably read some reference guides on the English language to help with your style, which is your biggest problem at the moment.When reading over your work for problems, try to come at it from the point of view of a reader. Constantly ask yourself questions readers would ask, like, "Why is this character doing this? What does this have to do with the plot? What does this scene have to do with anything? What is going on here?" and other similar questions.If you keep asking yourself those critical questions (and, more importantly, answering them), then they will become second nature and you will improve as a writer. It can be hard sometimes, which is why it is useful to have other people look over your work occasionally, if you can't tell if there is a problem with your story or not.I apologize if this review was harsh, but I really am trying to help you improve as a writer (and I did try to keep a level tone, just so you know). If I said anything wrong, please feel free to correct me .-TNTOS-