The Legend of Time and Life

[Kanakalackin]

Hi guys, I've been toying around with this for a while now and I finished it!

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Before there was time, there were the Great Beings. They created many worlds, masks, and creatures to inhabit the universe, but there was something missing. They needed someone to watch over these new creations, someone to protect them, someone to love them, and someone for the creations to look up to.

 

Thus they created two rulers. A Toa of Time, Temporus. As well as a younger Toa of Life, Vitarus. They wore no Kanohi, but possessed full control over the gates of time, as well as the key of life. But peace cannot exist without chaos. An ever-present evil, slumbering in the void for eons, had awakened. It possessed no physical form, but existed in shadow. The shadow only existed to kill, deceive, and devour everything in its path. The two Toa fought valiantly against it, but they grew weaker every time they battled. In a final stand against the shadow, Temporus sealed the shadow behind the gates of time, and Vitarus locked it with the key of life. Thus there was peace amongst all of creation.

 

But as mentioned before, peace cannot exist without chaos. Eventually Temporus, once a proud and noble protector, fell to selfish desires. He abused the great creation for his own gain, but he always wanted more. Keeping the shadow locked away in his element was not a wise choice, it made him stronger, yes. But it also corrupted him. Thus Temporus succumbed to the evil that was dwelling inside of him. Vitarus confronted him about it, demanding that he stop what he was doing. But Temporus had fallen too far; he struck down his younger brother and fled to the Far East. Vitarus could not allow his brother to continue his evil deeds. Brother or not, Vitarus had no choice but to kill Temporus.

 

Vitarus walked throughout all of creation one last time. Once it was a beautiful place, but now creation lived in fear of destruction. Vitarus followed his brother’s well concealed trail to the void, the infinite emptiness where the shadow used to dwell. Vitarus called out to his brother one last time, demanding him to stop what he was doing. But the brother that Vitarus loved was no longer there. Now he was possessed by emptiness, shadow, and fear, the three elements that the both of them had battled for so long to purge from the beautiful creation.

 

Seeing that he had no choice, Vitarus made the first strike, he cleaved off Temporus’ left arm. But Temporus paid no mind. Vitarus was releasing the shadow which longed to feast on the lives of others. Every time that Vitarus wounded Temporus, a shadow limb grew in its place. Vitarus had realized what he had done and immediately stopped. The shadow didn’t. It destroyed the last of Temporus’ body and materialized into a body of darkness. The shadow struck at Vitarus and nearly killed him. The shadow then gave Vitarus one chance to join him, but Vitarus believed in the same words that he had learned from the first day of life. Unity, duty, and destiny.

 

Temporus then had an idea, “I stand united with my people!” He declared. The shadow withdrew, clearly weakened by the word. “My duty is to protect my people!” He said. The shadow responded by staggering back and howling in pain. “My destiny is to bring life, where there once was death!” He finished. The shadow was severely weakened by Vitarus’ brief speech. But it was persistent to have his way. The shadow and Vitarus battled fiercely with each other, both gaining a foothold in victory, and losing it abruptly.

 

Mortally wounded by a cut going from his right eye across his chest, Vitarus released his remaining power and shut the shadow away in the void forever, sealing it with the symbol of unity, duty, and destiny. Vitarus perished that day, but the Great Beings immortalized him and his fallen brother in legends and masks. The legends were forgotten and the masks were lost. But one day, the mask of Time and the mask of Life would be found. And both of the Toa would live once again.

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Thanks for reading!

Edited May 28, 2013 by Phantom Terror

[Sumiki]

The only thing I can suggest is please, please split the story into paragraphs. I would give more critiques but it's quite hard to read if it's not split up.

[Kanakalackin]

OK, will do.

 

EDIT: Done.

Edited May 28, 2013 by Phantom Terror

[Sumiki]

Generally speaking, the rules of grammar dictate that you begin new paragraphs whenever different characters speak. If you do not do this it can be highly confusing as to who is talking. In this case, I would suggest making new paragraphs for every sentence to re-emphasize the intensity of what is being said.

[Zaxvo]

Hey, it's Zaxvo from the SSCC!It's an interesting tale you're spinning here. My only criticism is in the entire style of writing: it's too distant. For example, near the end you say that they "battled fiercely". How fiercely? Did one trick the other? Tell us more about it. There's a distinct lack of detail -- a sort of summarizing style -- that gives the readers a rundown of the main points and yet fails to immerse us in the story.We're given this bird's eye view of the action: we're far away from it such that we only get the big picture. What about the little details? How did he get that fatal wound? What kinds of alterations to creation was Temporus making?In short, tell the readers more. We want to be captivated: you just need to open the door a bit wider and give us more.