Dimension Cookies

[TNTOS]

Hello, Comedies readers! What you are about to read is my entry for the Library Summer Olympics 2012, which is based on one of my more recent epics, Dimension Hoppers. It is essentially a parody of the story, written from the point of view of Isarot, one of the main characters from DiH. Some things are changed, but that's to be expected for a parody.Anyway, without further ado, here is the story itself:Dimension Cookies“Isarot . . . Isarot, wake up . . . Come on, Isarot . . .”I awoke, even though I didn’t really want to. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I looked to my left and saw my annoying friend, Toa Kiriah, Toa of Psionics, standing there. It looked like she’d been shaking me, which perhaps explained why I had been dreaming about sleeping on a rocking boat before she woke me up.“What is it now, Kiriah?” I asked, pulling my soft, linen blanky up to my chin. “Did your shadow scare you again?”Kiriah scowled at me. “Of course not. And that wasn’t my shadow last time, either. It was a Makuta that shapeshifted to look like my shadow.”Of course it was, I thought, but I was polite enough not to say anything.Instead, I pulled my blanky over my head and was about to go back to sleep when Kiriah shook me again, except harder this time.“Kiriah,” I said, without taking my head out from under my blanky, “if it’s not your shadow, there’s really no reason to bother me.”“But this is important,” Kiriah insisted. “Someone is raiding the cookie jar. We need to stop him.”I sat up immediately, my blanky falling off me as I looked into Kiriah’s eyes with such intensity that she had to look away.“The cookie jar?” I repeated incredulously. “Why didn’t you say so earlier?”Kiriah folded her hands behind her back and didn’t look up at me. “Well, I, er, didn’t really want you to overreact-““Kiri,” I said, leaning in and invading her personal space, “don’t ever accuse me of overreacting at the suggestion that someone is raiding the cookie jar. This is serious business.”Kiriah leaned back, while I ignored her as I jumped out of bed and tore off my Pikachu pajamas. I grabbed my tomahawk off the wall, but when I thought about it, I realized that a tomahawk wasn’t good enough for a cookie thief.So I tossed it out the window and grabbed the gigantic axe hanging on the wall next to it. The blade was stained with a red liquid, which I forget if it was the blood of my enemies or just ketchup. Either way, it would inspire terror in the heart of the cookie thief. If it didn’t, then I could just behead him.I turned to Kiriah, who was staring at my axe. “What?”“Oh, nothing,” said Kiriah, shaking her head. “I just wonder if, well, that’s necessary.”“It’s completely necessary,” I insisted. “You can never go wrong with weapons bigger than your whole body.”“Whatever,” said Kiriah, shrugging. “It’s just . . . oh, never mind. I’ll just shut up now.”“Good,” I said, lifting my axe into the air. “Talk is cheap. Now let’s go stop that cookie thief.”-The trip to the kitchen seemed to take forever, even though it was just down the hall. Kiriah was constantly hurrying me, but I ignored her. Walking slowly would make me look that much more epic when I entered the kitchen. Still, I will admit that I did walk a little faster because I cared more about the cookie jar than looking epic.When we entered the kitchen about ten minutes later, I spotted a Toa in black robes standing next to the kitchen counter, cookie jar in hand. I figured that cloak must have been hot and impractical to move in, but I also knew that the Toa knew that and was wearing it to distract us from his eating our cookies. It didn’t work.“Isarot, Kiriah,” said the Toa as he picked up another delicious cookie and stuffed it into his evil mouth. “Mfff mfff mfff?”Kiriah blinked. “Say what?”The Toa swallowed his cookie and said, “I said, have you come to stop me?”“Yes!” I said, pointing my axe at the cookie thief. “Tell me, cookie thief, what is your name?”The Toa pulled down his hood, revealing a Mask of Charisma and a mouth stained with chocolate chips and cookie crumbs.“I am Toa Darranas,” said the cookie thief, licking his lips in an annoyingly evil way. “And there is nothing you can do to stop my ultimate plan.”“Oh, yeah?” I said. “What is your ultimate plan?”“It’s very simple,” said Darranas, holding the cookie jar up. “You see, I will eat all of your cookies and . . . and then . . .”Darranas trailed off, as though he wasn’t sure what to say next.“And then laugh at us?” I finished for him.“Uh, yeah,” said Darranas quickly, nodding. “And laugh at you, which I will proceed to-”I cut the kitchen table in half with my axe and said to Darranas, “Eat one more cookie and I will eat your face.”Darranas put the cookie jar down and held up his hands. “Hey, Isarot, no need to be so cranky. We can be friends, can’t we?”His words sounded reasonable, but I was able to easily see right through his smooth talking. Darranas may have had a Mask of Charisma, but fortunately I was able to disregard his friendly words and got right to the point. No one could fool me.“Yeah, I guess you’ve got a point,” I said, lowering my axe. “I mean, they are just cookies. Eating your face as punishment does seem rather harsh.”“Um, Isarot?” said Kiriah. “Why are you acting so friendly to Darranas all of a sudden?”Before I could answer, Darranas reached for the cookie jar and said, “Now that we’re all best friends, I suppose you won’t mind if I help myself to a few cookies.”I watched as Darranas picked up not one, but two cookies out of the jar. He then raised the cookies up to his mouth and started chomping on them. Crumbs and chocolate chips fell to the floor as he ate more and more cookies with as much greed as a Nui Rama in a bula berry patch.My mind told me something wasn’t right here, but I didn’t know what it was until Kiriah shouted, “Isarot, Darranas is eating the cookies! Snap out of it!”Everything became clearer all of a sudden. I shook my head and looked at my axe, which I’d nearly dropped. Then I looked back up at Darranas, who was still eating the cookies like he owned them, the fiend. He was smiling like a child who thinks he’s gotten away with mischief, but I, the parent, was about to teach him a lesson he’d never forget.With the roar of a rock lion, I dashed at Darranas and swung my axe at him. I was too quick for him, smashing the flat of my blade directly into the side of his face. The cookie thief hit the counter as he fell to the floor . . . and, to my horror, dropping the cookie jar as he did so.Even I couldn’t get the cookie jar, which fell to the ground in slow motion. I reached for it, but it was all in vain. I could only watch as it fell closer and closer to the ground, anticipating the inevitable terrible crash. In my mind’s eye, I saw the shattered jar scattered all over the floor and the cookies nothing but crumbs that we’d have to sweep up and toss away.Abruptly and miraculously, however, the cookie jar stopped an inch above the ground. Then the cookie jar floated back up and sat itself back on the counter, well away from the edge.At that moment, I was convinced that Mata Nui himself must have intervened. How else could this miraculous event be explained? Mata Nui loves cookies, after all, so it only made sense that he would have saved the jar like that.Kiriah walked over to me and said, “That was a close one, wasn’t it?”“Yes,” I said, nodding. “Good thing Mata Nui intervened at the last minute, right?““Actually, it was me,” said Kiriah, pointing at herself. “Remember? Toa of Psionics? I used my telekinesis to catch it just in the nick of time.”“Oh,” I said. “Well, I knew that. I was just testing you, as I always do, you know.”Kiriah nodded, obviously fooled by my clever lie. “Right. I’m sure you were. So what do we do about Darranas?”I looked at the cookie thief, who was still lying on the ground with a big bump on his head. I kicked him in the side, eliciting a satisfying groan from him. I then kicked him again for good measure.“He’s going to cookie thief prison,” I said, looking back up at Kiriah. “It’s only justice.”“Right,” said Kiriah, scratching her head. “Does cookie thief prison even exist?”“If there’s a Great Spirit in this world, yes,” I said. “Now, why don’t we celebrate by eating cookies?”So Kiriah and I each took cookie from the cookie jar and ate and laughed at Darranas, who was now curled up in the fetal position like the ugly worm he was. I also kicked him a few more times and then, after we finished our short party, we shipped him off to cookie thief prison (which does in fact exist, by the way).That night, as I lay in my bed, I thought about how tasty those cookies were. I’d locked them in the cupboard to prevent future cookie thieves from getting to them, but who knows when the next cookie thief will strike?I resolved in the morning to get a guard energy hound to protect the cookies for extra security. I also resolved to get more homemade cookies from Granny Kolora tomorrow because Darranas ate way too many and the jar was now nearly empty.So I closed my eyes and dozed off immediately, secure in the knowledge that I had managed to avert a major crisis tonight. Had I not acted . . . I didn’t even want to think about it.Comments, criticisms, cookies ( ), etc. are all welcome .-TNTOS-

[Voltex]

Very enjoyable comedy, and I'm now glad that I convinced you to enter. I must ask, though; how much of your epic is this based on? I found it a tad confusing, since I had no idea who the characters were, but I'd like to read the exact scene that inspired this too, so that I can truly appreciate this for what it is.That said, I don't think I have a hope of winning anymore. Nobody can beat cookies. -ibrow

[TNTOS]

Thank you for the reply, iBrow .To answer your question, it's based primarily on the prologue to Dimension Hoppers, which you can read here. I should probably have explained that in the first post.-TNTOS-