Aderia

Bro!! You're on the list to be interviewed!! Drop by, sit down, stay a while!! And Ezorov and all our other writerly friends!!

[9:10:08 PM] Aderia: i also don't like how three exclamation points are automaticlly turned into an emote[9:10:21 PM] Aderia: in fact, i will go complain about int in the annoying things about bzp topic !!! = ! ! !=( sadface.

Origins of Kirop, check. Sorry it took me so long!

Hello Chuck =) I have a charity review for your epic here today.I'm gonna start with the little nitpicks, the grammar or spelling errors that are an easy fix. I've condensed them here for you, since I decided that I hate quote blocks hating me.Points I want you to take away from the nitpicks are 1)Capitalize proper nouns, like Karda Nui, Mata Nui, etc. 2)When you begin a new paragraph, indent. Since it's not very easy to indent using BZP's text formatting, I like to put a space between paragraphs, and something like "***" between scene changes. [example] 3)Dialog punctuation, see below for details. That's part of a review that I received a while back, and I often refer back to it, because I couldn't give the advice any better myself.Another big thing, literally and metaphorically, is the text size you used in your story. It's a bit superficial of me to comment on this, sure, but such a large font struck me as unnecessary. It doesn't really contribute to the story or serve for dramatic effect. In all honestly, it makes the story look as though you know it's too short and are trying to make it look longer. There's nothing wrong with the default font setting.Since you've only posted one chapter of your epic thus far, there's not much else I can say at this point. Hope to see you around the library some more.~Aderia

Salutations! =)I want to start right off and say that I appreciate your story here. Before I go more in depth on that, I want to get a few nitpicks out of the way. and Both 'its' are contractions, not possessive pronouns, and thus deserve an apostrophe. It took me forever to get that rule down. This sentence was a bit redundant.Anyways, the fact that you took a problem from real life, internalized it, and spat it back up in the form of a story is great. It's the sign of a good writer. Also, as I saw you stated, this was written as a spur of the moment story. That being said, it was an effective story. I say that because one of the main reasons authors choose to write is to convey a point, or illustrate their opinions. You have done this very well.You were able to bend the issue to fit a Bionicle theme, which I have to appreciate, since its not the easiest thing to do. I know that from experience. There's no question that this piece is intended to play on the reader's emotions. And the fact that it is pulled off with what are essentially robots who can shoot fire out of their hands, is no small feat to take on.Another thing that I wanted to comment on is the style in which the story is written: a letter. We don't see that every day in the library, and I think you did a decent job.Now, keep in mind that, overall, I really did like the spirit in which it was written. Some days, I can't stand my own family if I get home and see the cat and dog haven't been fed. But there are some important things I wanted to point out about the story's substance.The first thing I wanted to touch upon was actually mentioned before, and I'll quote it for you. Is this not just a touch ridiculous?I couldn't have said that better myself. It's ridiculous, and the definition of ridiculous being not realistic. My reason behind supporting that claim is that you have to keep in mind that the Turaga were once Toa. Toa don't kill. So, logically, Turaga would not kill, or even approve/decide to have someone killed.Which leads me to my next point: Tahu is out of character. The idea of Tahu abusing animals, I flew with, since it's more or less what you gave me in the title and opening lines of the story. But as you continued, Tahu's actions as relayed to me by the narrator became gradually more absurd. Since I'm all for creative lisence, miniature Muaka I'm okay with. Tahu kicking monkeys and beating kittens, although I admit it was a stretch, I made my peace with, because again, you presented it as the main concept of your story. Where I drew the line, however, was here: I can't ever see Tahu doing this. For one, Gali is his teammate, and one of his closest friends, if not more. Two, Tahu is still a Toa. You even acknowledge this when you compare him to the Makuta. As stated before, Toa do not kill.And one last thing to mention, before I run out of steam, is the narrator. Who is he? She? How do they know Tahu? How do they know the Turaga and their unanimous decison? Why would they choose to write a letter warning Tahu of his death sentence, if they clearly wish to see Tahu's demise? Ask yourself objective questions like that by putting yourself in prospective readers' shoes. Ask yourself what you think they need to know, and what you think they'd like to know. And don't go off the other end on me and bog people down with a novel's worth of backstory. A friend of mine has a great philosophy that I like to apply whenever I can. Everything in moderation. I trust you can figure out how to apply it to your own works.That’s about all I have for you tonight. You did a great job getting your basic point across, you just need to work a bit on delivery. I really hope my feedback helps you, as it’s not often I make it over into Short Stories and drop a review.I hope to read more from you.~Aderia

The fact that you have to log in/out to switch from anonymous to unanonymous =/

I have bro's here. You know who you are. As long as they're here, BZP will never stop being fun.

Nobody cares about me. I need attenton so I wanted to be annoying. HAHAHAAthere once was my sister, a memberwho posted late in Decemberthe topic was deadand so was her headand so she got banned for topic revivalThat's how late you are, and congratulation on discovering another quirk in the word filter. ohlol stahhhp!! I need oxygen! XDDDnext time you get to make the topic, kakaru.

Because this is cooler than this.I'd like to take a moment out of your day and make you congratulate your friend and mine, Tyler Durden, for posting his way into the 10K club.Chances are, you've seen him around. With his 10,000 posts, I'll be surprised if you haven't.

Basically this forever. I used to use it all the time to test large blocks of coding and to figure out the more obscure word filter quirks. Now I have to draft blog entries instead. :cWhooo we're all in the same boat! My blog is so disorganized because of all the drafts with things I think I may need like old signature coding or drafts of reviews or whatnot. Grrr....

I think that iBrow and fishers bring up valid points, and the idea of an in-depth review written in the spirit of 'win-win' would be a good thing.However, as it was pointed out, a lot of us are critics. ECC, SSCC, CCC, ETC. I know, as a member of the ECC, that I'm trying to help the author show their audience the world they created for the purpose of yes, entertaining an audience, but not in the same way a comedy story would seek to entertain an audience. I'm trying to help them create a world for their audience to live in, so to speak, alongside the characters. I nitpick grammar, spelling, dialogue, descriptions, sentence structure, analyze plots, and so on. I would have a hard time reviewing a comedy, because I feel like a lot of what I'm criticizing in short stories or epics is what is used in comedies to generate a grin on a reader's face.I can't help feeling that the Comedies pulled the short straw here (correct me if I'm wrong, rate me one star, whatever you like) because not everyone has the same sense of humor. I know, personally, that's one of the big reasons I don't venture into the Comedies forum myself. My sense of humor doesn't really match up with yours. So, if I tried to review a comedy that I thought was horrible, it wouldn't be a review. It would be me trying to make it funny from my sense of funny, which is essentially back seat driving (writing?), and something that nobody likes. I've read through a bit of a comedy before, and tried to give honest feedback, and that's exactly what happened.Now, I know I've seen the comedy folks out and about in the other sections of the library, which I applaud. Speaking for myself, I'm not sad to say, but I'll say it anyways, I don't return the favor very often. Learning to review a comedy effectively is something that doesn't interest me greatly at the moment, since, like fishers said, real life is a bit hectic. But in the long run, its definitely something I would like to try my hand at. I know a few of the CCC members have been posting here, if you could provide an example of a review to a comedy that would be a good example for me to learn from, I would be much obliged.

Hello!Can I begin by saying how nice it is to see a new face in the library?Anyways, your epic caught my eye in that “Recent Topics” sidebar on the front page. Since this review is only for your first chapter, it’s more of a reply than a review. But anyways, I just wanted to say that I read your first chapter. There’s not much to say at this point, so early on in the story, other than to continue on. Speaking from what you have so far, it’s decent. From what I can tell, you’ve set your readers up with a solid protagonist and poised him for a bit of adventure on his island home. Off his island home, perhaps? It will be interesting to see where you take this.There was just one thing that I was wondering. How big is this Matoran city in your story? You describe it as the only city, the only place inhabited by Matoran on the island, known for its solitude. Yet, it’s a big enough city to have slums and different departments, like the Watcher’s Department you mentioned. But it equips its well-liked, greatly respected, and well paid Watchers with primitive rope, staff-like weapons, and thorn-spikes? Also, the slums are in the center of the city? That suggests that all the businesses and homes are on the outskirts of the city, and therefore all the jobs and work to be done is outside the city, somewhere on the island. So, if the jobs are focused externally, I’m wondering why the city is so isolated. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that this is not a new city, since 1) this is the Matoran Universe and everything is old because of the near-immortal life spans of the MU inhabitants, and 2) if it was new, it would be a village, not a city complete with slums. So, my point is, what’s their city like? Since it’s the only civilization on the island, I would think that it’s important. And I know it’s only the first chapter, feel free to tell me to hush up and wait for the rest of the story. I was just a bit curious XDBy the way, a few nitpicks: ‘payed’ to ‘paid’, or ‘well paying’, or ‘paid well’. ‘dissapointing’ to ‘disappointing’, an easy typo fix.That’s all I have for you today. If you take away anything from this reply, it should be to keep with it. I’ll keep an eye on this epic to see where you take this. Good job so far =)P.S. Could you also put a link to your story topic into your review topic, and vice versa? It makes navigaton easier for your readers.

Whooo more school to make up during holiday breaks....