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Steelsheen

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  1. "Walk down the street with a smile on your face, and you'll be amazed how many people will come up to you and say, 'What's so funny?'" - the Dick Van Dyke show

    1. Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

      Nuile the Paracosmic Tulpa

      I'm a big fan of the Dick Van Dyke show myself, and there's probably not a joke in the entire series I don't have memorized. So it was interesting to me when I read this quote by P.G. Wodehouse, probably written a few decades earlier: "If you go through life with a smile on your face, you’ll be amazed how many people will come up to you and say ‘What the ____ are you grinning about? What’s so funny?’ Makes you a lot of new friends."

  2. Assigned to Aderia. Thanks for coming to the ECC!-Steelsheen
  3. Cederak is back in charge of the ECC! :D

  4. NOTICE: Cederak is back! We are currently transitioning the necessary positions internally, but your beloved (somewhat snarky) Head Critic has resumed his seat in the library halls.-Steelsheen
  5. My review is actually ready, (and long) but for some reason, every time I try to post it or PM it to you, I get an error message."Fatal error: Allowed memory size of 134217728 bytes exhausted (tried to allocate 523800 bytes) in /home/bzpower/public_html/board/converge_public/sources/classes/text/parser.php on line 434"I'm trying to figure out how to fix this, but in the mean time, please hang tight, okay?-Steelsheen
  6. Yes! Got my internet back!

  7. Currently without internet because of a move.

  8. On the internet via Starbucks.

  9. Charity review for Glatorian Chronicles # 9 is fin. Sorry about the super delay - I got a full time job about two weeks ago and it's been crazy making the adjustment.-S
  10. ECC Charity Review TNTOS,First off, I have a very good reason for turning this in so late - I have a job in real life. But seriously, sorry about how long you've waited for this, and I've tried to make it worth your extra time.Let's start with dialogue, which is generally one of your strongest points. In the first two chapters, Ackar and his fellow fire soldiers speak with a refined, somewhat old-fashioned tone. By contrast, Kiina uses a lot of contractions and slang. This is a great way to show a cultural difference and up until Ackar starts using occasional slang as well (I believe that's in chapter 3) it works. Beyond tone, each of your characters have a lot of logical reactions or responses in their dialogue - I read it aloud and it flowed like a real conversation. Of course there are a few rough spots, but overall, you did well here. Your original insults between Ackar and Kiina are particularly good.Next, your characters come under the microscope. Ackar, being the narrator, is naturally the most fully developed character and has a balanced personality that varies between dedicated soldier and sarcastic satirist. He has his faults, too - impatience, chiefly - but he at least tries to minimize those.By contrast, Kiina has more of a bluntly written character, but then again, this may be just how the narrator see her. She has less of a balanced air, seeming to be quite uncivilized and at times obnoxious.And of course there's the sadistic and confusing Ice Lord, Xocion. He says he values honesty and provides his "pawns" with enough food to tantalize their hopes, then attacks a day before he promised. He saves their lives just to watch them die. He freezes his own Agori and leaves them around for centuries. I'm not an expert, but he might need to see a psychiatrist. As a villain, he's alright, but I would have really loved to have seen more real motivation from him, instead of Arkham Asylum bloodlust.There is one thing I think make this epic not quite up to your usual standards, and sadly, it's Ackar's fault. While I have no complaints about chapters four through six, I have to say that some of the narration in one through three is a bit grating. This is mostly because he thinks in "quantum time". For example, in the middle of a battle, where he's about to die by enemy attack or an avalanche, Ackar still manages to analyze every single detail of the surroundings while it's happening. He thinks about the logical reaction of his soldiers, his enemies' natural assumption that the fire soldiers are retreating, and even analyzes his own analysis.If you've read The Hunger Games you'll remember that Katniss hardly ever analyzes her actions while she's making them. It's afterwards that she stops to think why she did just what she did. Now, granted, Ackar is much more of a soldier and has a gift for noticing detail. But that doesn't make him Sherlock Holmes; many of his reflections would feel much more natural if he thought them while trudging for hours through the snow.Generally, this is where I have two pages worth of quotes pulled from your story, but this time, I picked out just a few little nuggets of goodness that I liked, or had questions about.From chapter 1: Isn't that exactly what people generally have concerns about when they question plans? I'm not an expert on Glatorian canon, but I thought no one but the Elemental Lords wielded elemental powers up until Mata Nui came? It's not an issue, however, if you simply don't want to follow canon - I hardly ever do. Just thought I'd bring it up. I loved this bit - a reversal (or perhaps a logical end?) of extreme environmental protection. Maybe you weren't going for satire, but the dry wit here is great.From chapter 3: Two questions; first, I realize that Elemental Lords can do a lot, but how did the Elemental Lord of Ice manage to keep the water hot if it was hidden under a dead tree? Second, couldn't Ackar and Kiina just drink melted snow (which they wouldn't have to carry) or use Kiina's elemental power? Heh, a guy's gotta have some self-respect when falling several hundred feet and screaming like a little girl. She really is a stubborn nut. Ah! Earlier question answered.From chapter 6- Someone, please give this girl lessons in tact!Altogether, your characters are really what makes this one a good story, and I liked the open ending - neither too much foreshadowing or too little closure.-Steelsheen
  11. Interesting grammar? Uh... Thanks... I think. Sorry if this story made you melancholy; I'm not intending to write depressing stories, but some things happen to be sad. That doesn't need to diminish the joy in life, but to choose to ignore sadness means missing the chance to learn. And yes, they are constructing a memorial for Matoro - an interactive one where they have stored all their memories about him. It functions much like the Chronicler's book.-S
  12. The Esoteric Athenaeum I'll be honest; I didn't write these stories because I wanted them to have an astounding number of views or the most comments - I wrote them because they were like caged shadows, longing to get out and play in the flickering firelight. Because by writing them, I set them free from those cages and get to watch their mesmerizing dance. But if only for the convenience of finding them easily myself, I suppose the Athenaeum was inevitable. Well, that's quite enough of the archaic ramblings. Without further introduction, my ensemble of literary seedlings.-SteelsheenDefinitions:Esoteric - understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interestAthenaeum - an institution for the promotion of literary or scientific learning; a library or reading roomEpics:Life is a Blank: a Story of Metru-NuiCruel Toa who serve the Great Spirit control the city, while the matoran are little more than slave labor. The Mendarii, the Madness, grips those who betray the Great One. In the City of Shadows, a small group of matoran, Toa and strange creatures called Rahaga are determined to unravel the mysteries and unmask the Great Spirit.This story is set in a non-canon universe.Number of Chapters: 29 (still in progress)Short Stories:EqualityThe inspiration for / prologue to a future epic called "Legends of the Ara". The musings of two Great Beings on why so many of their creations cause pain and suffering.This story is set in a non-canon universe.MonstersMatau Hordika isn't a coward by any stretch of the imagination, but even he is ready to yell "Please save me from the monsters!".This story is set in the canon universe.SeerIn the frozen land of Avernii, evil creatures called Jarakh-Gul roam the tundra and special matoran called Seers have the power to bring their dreams to life.This story is set in a non-canon universe.Remember MeIn the aftermath of the war with Teridax and the founding of a new life on Bara Magna, some people have forgotten Toa Matoro. His teammates intend to change that.This story is set in the canon universe.Chroniclers' SpiritThe current Chronicler Takua meets a future Chronicler, and recognizes the storyteller spark in her. A story about friendship and what matoran do when they're not saving the world.This story is set in a non-canon universe.Here Come Those Eyes - SongficA romantic songfic recalling one of my favorite subplots of the Bohrok War - Hewkii and Macku. Lyrics by Chris Rice.This story is set in the canon universe. Completely Off-Topic:Lay it Down - SongficA songfic about a father / daughter relationship and the lies that are hurting them both. Lyrics by Nichole Nordeman.
  13. Hewkii drew his hand carefully over the chunk of granite, shaping it with his elemental power. A perfect sphere was beginning to emerge from the rough stone. He hoped it was impressive enough. The former Po-matoran sighed, resting from his labor for a minute. "We're sure about this?" he asked his companion. "Just a sphere? Toa Lhikan got statues kio high." Nuparu looked up from the circuitry he was repairing and nodded. "You heard what Jaller said. Besides, those statues of Toa Lhikan didn't last very long." "I guess." The kohlii player in Hewkii wanted to see merit given a greater reward than a simple headstone. It didn't feel right, after everything the Toa Mahri of Ice had given, that his sacrifice should just drop into obscurity. But on a Toa team, apparently the majority ruled. So he went back to his tasking of smoothing stone while Nuparu welded in silence. "Can I interrupt for a minute?" An Onu-matoran stood in the doorway of the makeshift workshop, his arms full of tools and gizmos. "Here's the stuff you wanted, Nuparu. Took us a while to scavenge it, what with everything going on out there." "Thanks, Unletu," Nuparu smiled at his former co-worker. "Just put it down anywhere." "Okay." Unletu dropped the unorganized heap in a corner. The neat freak in Hewkii winced at the sight before returning his focus to the sculpture. "Hey, that's gonna look good, Hewkii!" The Onu-matoran ran his hand over a section of the granite. "Finish off all the pores and that'll last a thousand years." "That's the idea," the Toa of Stone answered briefly.* * * "You're really sure that's it?" Hewkii asked one more time, as the five Toa Mahri surveyed the finished creation. "He deserves a lot more than this, you know." Hahli shook her head. "This isn't about what he deserves. This is about remembering." "Yeah, well I think he'd like us to remember a little more than just a grave," Hewkii grumbled. Nuparu carefully fitted the last wire into the socket and slid out from underneath the sculpture. "Trust me, this is a lot more than just a grave. Some of my best work is in there. Hand me the heatstone, someone?" Kongu obliged, then turned to Hewkii. "Back in treebright Le-koro, we had a specialcertain way of deepburying the ones who darkdied. We made treewood boxes and hungtied them to a hugebig tree so they lookseemed like fruit." His face had a bittersweet expression. "It pathshowed how the fallendeath helpgived to others new leafdawn. They were not just oldbone and gone; their hero-acts keptmade them alive and happycheer forever." Hewkii let the confusing explanation hang in the air for a few seconds before asking, "Your point is...?" "My point-thought," Kongu answered slowly, uncharacteristically solemn, "is that to realtruly honorgive a cold-dead hero, you have to speakshow what they gaveleft. Matoro can live spiritblessed forever, if we tellshow how he madegave us a newbetter life." Nuparu shook his head and attached the heatstone to the generator he'd contrived. "That's the most confusing obituary I've ever heard." "Treespeak is very specialimportant to me, now that so fewsmall still singspeak," Kongu answered. Jaller was tempted to roll his eyes, but in a way, he understood the Toa of Air's logic. Yes, maybe everything they had known on Mata-Nui was a lie, but that world had shaped who they were. It had made them strong and brave enough to face the impossible dangers of the past few weeks, and given them the tools to survive in this new world. To completely forget that culture, that history, felt like betraying a friend. Like forgetting Matoro, as so many had already seemed to do. He brushed off his metaphysical musings as Nuparu flicked a switch on the small control panel. "Is it ready?" The inventive Toa nodded. "Everything's a go." Hewkii looked their joint creation over with a critical eye. The sphere, suspended a third of a bio off the ground by four elegant protodermis legs, was about two bio in diameter, perfectly smooth and glistened white in the sun. The thick stone shell protected an advanced kind of recording device, similar to the Chronicler's book. The sphere was laced throughout with veins of protodermis to conduct electricity. A simple touch on the surface could activate the device, but a thousand years of howling winds would hardly chip anything away. He grudgingly nodded his approval of the structure. "Let's try it." Nuparu put his hand on the sphere, stroking it like he would a pet Ussal crab. "Let me go first, in case there's a bug." For several minutes, he kept his hand on the stone, his eyes closed in concentration. "There. Someone else try it." Jaller pressed his palm to the granite, followed by Hahli, Kongu and Hewkii. Each of them poured all their memories of the Toa Mahri of Ice into the stone, the recorder soaking up every second of their trials together. It was nearly half an hour before they were all finished, each exhausted by the experience. Nuparu bent to reach the control panel again and flicked a second switch. "Perfect! Now, anyone who touches this is going to see everything he did." The Toa of Fire nodded his approval. "I think he would have liked it." Kongu looked over at Hahli, who was staring into the sky absently. "You want to speaksay a few solemnwords?" The former Chronicler nodded, bringing her eyes back down to earth. "Sure." She paused for a second, collecting her thoughts. At last, she shook her head. "No. No, I can't. He didn't need speeches or songs. He never wanted praise or recognition; he wanted his friends to be safe. He lived with lies and deception every day as Turaga Nuju's aid, but he just wanted the truth to come out. And when it did, and we left to find the Toa Nuva, he probably knew more about what we were getting ourselves into than any of us. But he came anyway, even if he did have nightmares every night and woke the rest of us." Kongu chuckled ruefully at the memory. Hahli seemed not to hear and just kept on talking. "Matoro just wanted to have a normal life, one where he could get up in the morning and not hear the warning horns. He wasn't a genius, or a weapons expert or a fighter. He was just a matoran in a world made by powerful beings who didn't care if we lived or died, people who saw us as insects. And he proved them wrong, because he was greater than they'll ever be. He gave everything to save a future he'd never see." She paused for breath and was startled to feel Jaller's hand slip around her own, squeezing it tight. "Nice speech," he smiled. She gave a shaky laugh. "I give my best ones without realizing I'm doing it." Hewkii exhaled softly. Maybe they're right. Maybe he really doesn't need a monument or a museum. It's enough that we remember.
  14. There is no difference between deliberately doing wrong and simply avoiding what is right.

  15. Miss you, girl! Is it as cold down there as it is here?

    1. Aderia

      Aderia

      argh yes cold D= brrr! but i have a nice fire in the fireplace to keep warm, and i hope you do too! and also! nice name change!!

       

    2. Steelsheen

      Steelsheen

      Thanks! It was just getting too confusing with Hahli Husky having the same initials. Lol

  16. Before I say anything else, I have to tell you that I vehemently oppose anything canon that occurs after Matoro's death. I don't like multi-verses, I don't like the Mata-Nui robot thing, and I don't like Bara Magna. But I loved this story, anyway. Which just goes to prove what everyone already knows - GSR, you're brilliant.Hahli is portrayed here as a war-scarred but still dedicated Toa. She still sees the world in black and white, and even though she's been through *ahem* Karzahni, she hasn't allowed it to change who she is. Her brief scene with the only other Toa Mahri to appear, Jaller, is simple but real. Not much else needs to be said between them - they understand that the universe may have changed, but their moral compass is steady. As Teridax points out, her character just won't allow her to fall into darkness. Unless she's talking about him, of course - then it's Sarcasm City. ;)And here is the real genius of this story: Teridax himself. Like Hahli, I always think of him as "the Makuta", the archnemesis and antagonist of every matoran. He's a villian, and he'll always be a villian... But what if he wasn't? What if he had the same grandiose style, the same narcissistic and cunning personality, but he never turned evil? This "Light Teridax", as Cederak calls him, is one of the best examples I've seen on BZP of character developement. He's got a slightly philosophical bent in his speech, which makes him seem less dangerous than he is at times. He has a control over shadow despite the fact that he eagerly serves the light. But he's not a Toa; he doesn't have the mercy that Hahli shows. He's just enough like his darker self that I can imagine they are one and the same.Out of this was born the one thing I take issue with in your story: personal choice. Teridax tells Hahli at one point that he and Dark Teridax are different merely because they come from different worlds. Does he mean to imply that he didn't consciously reject the dark? That it was just random chance that he had not ended up the same way as the Teridax Hahli knew? If so, wouldn't there be some world out there where Hahli herself is the dark tyrant, and it was mere luck that it wasn't in this reality? Because Teridax doesn't go into the subject much deeper, I'm inclined to believe that is just his viewpoint, not the true nature of reality, but I'd like to pick your brain on the subject.I also have a question concerning the ending - Hahli clearly believes that people can change (unless they're Teridax) and she proves it by saving Dark Takanuva. But to do so, she had to give up some of her own light. Does this make her evil now? Is the only way to redeem someone else to plunge yourself into the dark?-HH
  17. Brr, it's freezing even under my wool socks.

  18. Stave 29Kendrall felt his pulse pound in his ears. Every muscle and gear in his body was tense and ready to jump at the slightest provocation. He barely even allowed himself to breathe. Wait for it, he told himself stubbornly. Wait. A few bio away, a squad of four Vorzakh were overseeing a group of some thirty Le-matoran as they constructed a Vahki transport. They seemed unaware of his presence, but some instinct, a sixth sense only a native of the island would understand, told him that the enforcers of Metru-Nui were not so easily fooled. As he watched, one of the Le-matoran began quietly humming in time with the rhythmic beat of his tools. One of the Vorzahk cooly stepped over the the offending matoran and lashed out at him. The Vahki's staff connected solidly with the Le-matoran's head and a small flare of energy sparked behind the matoran's Kanohi Komau. A moment later, the Le-matoran had lost all control of his higher brain functions and wandered off, babbling nonsensically. The other Le-matoran increased their speed and worked as noiselessly as possible - a few glanced after their friend sadly. The "shambler" was out of site in a few moments, ignored by everyone he passed. Kendrall felt a small hand clasp his tightly. He turned his head just enough to see Leyana huddling up against him, looking fearfully at the Vahki. She was not so young that she could not remember living in Le-metru, hounded and corralled by the Vorzahk; he could see the old fear in her eyes. Behind her, Jaatiiko stood quietly, waiting for his brother to act. There was muted dread in his face, too. In the second that Kendrall took his eyes off the Vahki, disaster struck. The leader of the squad, designated by the stripe of silver protodermis that ran lengthwise over it's "jaws", gave off a high-pitched shriek and swung it's staff in his direction. The Ga-matoran shoved Leyana back and ducked to avoid the blow. He felt a painful shock as the staff just grazed his mask, but the contact wasn't enough to release a full blast of the staff's mind erasing power. "Run!" he yelled. The three siblings turned and raced down the street, clinging to the shadows. Leyana took the lead, weaving through the alleys and back ways that she had once wandered. Jaatiiko and Kendral, less sure of the way and a little slower, stayed barely a bio out of the Vahki's reach. "Ley, we need a blind corner," Kendral panted, checking the disc in his launcher. The code read 664 - a decent level of power against a Vahki, but shrinking one of the machines wouldn't damage their staffs in any way. "And a sewer grate," he added quickly. The Vahki squad's gears and pistons whirred loudly as they pushed their top speed. One tried to swipe at Jaatiiko with it's staff, miscalculated and tripped. A mere second later it was back on it's feet and running again. The leader took several holographic images of the three matoran as it continued the chase, intending to search it's database for prior offenses. One too many times disobeying the Great One could get a matoran killed instead of made a "shambler". Curiously, none of these matoran had on their standard-issued metru identification arm badges. That made two offenses, the Vahki noted. "Up-coming!" Leyana shrieked as she ducked into a broader street, crossing over a grate-covered vent. Kendrall glanced over his shoulder long enough to fire the disc at the closest Vahki as he ran. He didn't dare take another look until he had put some distance between himself and the machines, but from the small clatter and high screech, he guessed that his plan had worked. Okay, now figure out a way to lose three more. '"Tiiko! Any ideas?" The squad leader added two more crimes to it's current target - possession of illegal weapons and wanton destruction of metru property. Strangely, though, it could not find any match in it's database for these three matoran. Metru-Nui records of them simply did not exist. The Vorzakh's eye's narrowed. These were no mere lawbreakers; they were Outsiders and possibly the highest offending criminals this particular squad had ever seen. The leader chirped it's discovery to it's two subordinates as they continued the chase. This information meant the running would end much sooner - the rules about "no killing if the lawbreaker is still useful" did not apply to illegal matoran from other islands. All three Vahki bent their heads down to touch their chest plates, clamped down on a disc in the storage compartment and brought their heads up to aim again without any pause in their speed. By their calculations, the three illegals had about ten seconds left in this life. The Ga-matoran fired another disc, but it was ill-aimed - an Ussal cart levitated into the air harmlessly. The lead Vahki plotted the course of the fleeing criminals and fired. It's companions followed suit. Without warning, a fourth disc flew in from the side and blocked all three of the Vahki's shots from converging on their target. It was a nearly impossible shot, even using a Po-metru disc with the power to deflect other kanoka. The Vahki's discs flew wildly and hit the nearby walls of buildings. The lead Vahki hissed in disgust and turned in the direction of the new lawbreaker. A matoran wearing armor from Ta-metru and a blue mask had already loaded another disc and was about to fire. "Hey, wirebrains!" he yelled. "I think I'm worse than the kids are." One of it's subordinates chirped that the distraction had caused the other three lawbreakers to escape. The lead Vorzahk calculated the weight of the offenses before replying that obstructing a pursuit and threatening a Vahki carried a worse punishment than running. Accordingly, all three struck offensive poses and lowered their staffs at this new matoran. Takua smiled. All the technology of Metru-Nui and Vahki are still so predictable. He quickly fired into the air, then double-checked the code on his last disc. It read 1574 - a medium powered Disc of Shielding. He slammed it as hard as he could against his own chest armor, and the force was enough to trigger a weak shield around him. Just in time, too, he chuckled in relief as three Vahki staffs slammed against his head. The shield flickered, but did not break yet. He risked glancing up at the sky as the Vahki lifted their arms for a second try. Come on; down! The Ga-metru disc he had fired in the air came hurtling back down, driven by his thoughts. The explosion triggered right at his feet, blowing him backwards a few bio and sapping the last of his shield. For a few minutes, all he could do was blink and try to hear anything but the ringing in his ears. He thought he felt someone tugging at his arm, and a far away voice. His eyes came back into focus slowly and he saw Leyana had grabbed his hand and was trying to pull him out of sight. If he hadn't been in pain, her efforts might have struck him as comical. "Takua?" Leyana called again in a tremulous voice. "Takua?" He shook his head, trying to focus his senses. "Yeah, yeah; I'm fine." "Proto rats, you are," said a firm voice. It took him a moment to identify the speaker as Kendral. "Even with a shield, that blast should've killed you." Takua laughed, trying to ignore the shooting pains in his neck. "Just whiplash and maybe some cuts." He winced a little as the Ga-matoran helped him sit up. "I promised your sister I'd look out for you guys." "Great job of that, by the way." The green Rahaga spoke up from the shadows of a building across the street. "But can I suggest we get out of here? Somewhere safe?" Kendral's face was grim. "There isn't any safe place for us now. Those Vahki will have transmitted holographs of us to their local hub - pretty soon, the whole island will be out looking for us four." "Are there any... Any more sea caves?" Takua asked, panting a little. "Places we could hide?" Jaatiiko, standing behind his brother, kicked at a piece of twisted metal that had been a Vahki a few minutes ago. "It wouldn't matter," he commented. His voice was cold and held a note of suspicion. "The Vahki found where we live; you can bet they'll scour the coastline for weeks now." "Um, not to rush you, but - get out of the street, for Mata Nui's sake!" Iruini hissed. Jaatiiko took Leyana's hand and Kendral half-carried, half-guided Takua out of the sunlit street. They followed the small green Rahaga down two smaller alleys until they came to a large warehouse used to store the wrecks of failed vehicles before they were shipped to Ta-metru and melted down. Iruini easily picked the lock on one of the side doors and all five slipped inside. "So who are you, really?" Jaatiiko lifted his head to meet Iruini's gaze. "How did the Bordahk find the cave? Who are you working for?" A small blade gleamed in his hand threateningly. "You think this was me?" the Rahaga asked in surprise. "This could only be you," Takua said coldly, shaking his head to clear the white dots swimming before his eyes. "The truth, now. Who are you, and who sent you?"Review
  19. Enigma has been reviewed at great length. My apologies for turning this in so late; my baby sister got a hold of my iPad and deleted a bunch of apps, my writing app among them. The moral of the story is turn in your review early and keep your electronics locked! -HH
  20. ECC ReviewKarzahni,Let me first apologize for how late this review is in coming. I have a legitimate excuse in that my baby sister deleted my writing app on Monday and consequently, my review with it. However, I've recreated it for you, and it is nearly as long as your epic itself, I believe. Let's start with characters.Synheith - a calm, calculating Toa of Fire - is certainly not stereotypical of his people. He comes across as fairly detatched most of the time - I'm not even always clear on his motivations for working for the Order. He seems to be somewhat morally ambivalent. Likara at one point says, "You only talk when something or someone is in danger, don't you? You seem more like a Toa of Ice." And I think she hit the nail on the head there. Though not always a likable hero, Synheith makes a good protagonist. The only thing I would say is that his dialogue is so inconsistent that I have to read everything he says twice. At times, he speaks librarian; sometimes he just talks high school slang. Oftentimes just reading his lines out loud will help you figure out what he would say.Likara is a chipper Toa of Water who seems to be a sort of amalgamation of Macku and Hahli. While Synheith is very three dimensional and a mould-breaker, she seems flat and stereotyped by comparison. Mostly, this is because she doesn't seem to have any flaws. Remember that a balance of flaws and virtues make a character both relatable and likable.Gresh hasn't had much conscious screen time, but he seems very much as I remember him from the movie. Nice job on that.Surel instantly struck me as an Obi-Wan Kenobi figure... with a Texas accent. Like Synheith, his mode of talking switches constantly, making it hard to understand or follow his point. However, for the old mentor/storyteller role, he does very well.And that's a good segue into a discussion of dialogue. Most of your grammatical errors and story problems come from parts where characters are talking. It can be very hard to make words on a page sound like a believable conversation, but here are a few tips, based on your specific issues. First, use slang. Not everywhere, obviously, but a contraction or a "cool" thrown in make it feel more real. That's how people talk, after all. Second, pick a mode and stick with it. Surel is a good example of this. He starts with a cowboy accent, transitions to a Harvard manner of speaking and finishes it up with "y'all". When real people talk, they have a set speech pattern, a predictable set of words that everything else is based on. You as the author have to do that for your characters, too. And finally, make sure to separate long sentences into shorter ones so people don't get confused while reading.Alright, onto the really long quoting section!From the prologue - There's some really good imagery here, but it's worded in such a way that comes off as confusing and/or ostentatious. Try to remember that emotion is best shown through simplicity. Here's one way to rephrase it:Synheith, Toa of Fire, stood shrouded in the shadows of his new residence. The only light source in the room was a single window to his left - as the twilight rays of sunlight dimmed, the dusky light glinted on the surface of his armor. Unless north belongs specifically to Synheith, it should read "not giving a consistent reading of north". I thought he was sure it was an ambush before this point... Neither of these sentences have ending punctuation, and Synheith's line is actually two sentences, so it should look like this: The Brotherhood would never leave such an object unguarded, he thought. Something's wrong. The comma after "the being said" does not need a space placed between it and the preceding word. Again, missing a period at the end. After "listen", there should be a comma, and the last sentence feels a bit too redundant. Synheith didn't seem like a rule breaker up to this point, so I must assume that his encounter with Makuta Treperath has disturbed him deeply. However, if you're trying to show that his faith in his superiors has been shaken, that doesn't really come across well because we haven't seen him interact with them before.Also, the second sentence has a break in the wrong place; it should read:"Yet Treperath's words continued to resound in his mind, haunting his dreams - until a month later, when Teridax gained control of the universe, and the words that the Makuta had laid out to him in the chamber became far more consequential than he had ever imagined."Even done this way, it's pushing the limit on how long a sentence should be. But it is all one thought and flows well, so you don't really have to change it. It should read "back on the Southern Continent". Also, as a quick note, good use of adjectives to manipulate how the reader views the scene. I don't normally think of a need for success as being "cold", but because you used it, I now see Synheith as detached from emotion. I always misspell "curiosity", too. Try running the whole chapter through spell check before you post it - it helps catch little things like these. The second sentence feels awkward; you might try rewording it as "But there is a fine line between an act of mere curiosity and an act born of possible exigency."From chapter 1 - An excellent example of good scenery description - not too much, and not too little. If this were a painting, I think it would be a watercolor; not photographic, exactly, but an elegant and clear rendition. Again, this is two sentences, not one. Put in a period after "continued". True to the enigma that is the English language, "battle hardened" is actually a compound word and needs a hyphen. Two sentences here; put a period in after "said" and capitalize "always". Change the period after "ambush" to a comma. And I love the sarcasm. Oops, you got your comma stuck outside your quotations marks there.From chapter 2 - This is really all one train of thought and should be one paragraph. I have a couple points for this one. First, you've got a couple simple grammatical errors, like uncapitalized letters and missing punctuation. Second, when you talk about flying in your dreams or a video game, do you specify that you view it in the third person? Do you say things like "a force possessed me"? Most people don't. Granted, if you wanted Gresh to have an unusual speech pattern, this would be okay, but up until this point, he's been perfectly normal. By contrast, his speech here has gone very librarian... Or Jedi. Here's one way you might re-write it to sound more like Gresh."I saw myself flying to that mountain!" He pointed towards the north, towards a tall mountain, the summit of which was obscured by clouds. "I saw a cave, near the top and flew inside. The cave was huge - I thought it'd go on forever. And at the end, I saw a big coffin. I... I couldn't stop myself, and I opened it. The body - I knew him, somehow. I think he's a Great Being. He told me to free him, and he'll bring peace." He paused for breath. "I don't think it was just a dream. The Being was giving me a vision. We have to find him!" Just a few more grammatical errors. Corrected:"Sounds mighty dubious to me; you sure?" said Likara, echoing his thoughts. She continued mischievously, "You sure the lightning didn't fry your brain for a while?" You can either make Gresh speak elegantly or not, but it's pretty incongruous to put an incorrect "me" (it should be "Likara and I") next to "proceed". If you want Gresh to speak well, then fine. Just choose one style and stick with it. Likara is actually saying two separate sentences and needs appropriate punctuation.From chapter 3 - Just goes to show you that short cuts don't always justify the amount of time saved. The sentence break should be completed on both sides by a hyphen, instead of a comma after "armor". Haha! I love this line! It's actually spelled "whoa". "Tire", not "tyre". "Years" does not need to be capitalized here. Two sentences in the dialogue and it's rightfully all one paragraph. It should read: "Nice target practice, huh?" said the mysterious Glatorian. "Beginning to think I didn't have it in me anymore. Don't bother with those wolves, son; they're friendly with me." He walked over and petted on of the Iron Wolves on the head. The beast responded cheerily, wagging its tail, as if acknowledging its master. Then his expression turned serious. "Never seen Baterra so far south before, lad. This could mean something dreadful is going to happen. Got time to listen?" It still should be "tire", not "tyre". A few more grammatical errors. Corrected:I've got a nice cave; it's not too far away. You two can sit in for the night and hear a good 'ol story from me. Corrected:"Nope, don't understand it," said Gresh. "Saw similar writing a year ago when Mata Nui and some friends and I found a big laboratory underground that belonged to the Great Beings. Maybe this place was made by them, too. Why is the writing important?"From chapter 4 - (Sorry, the whole paragraph was too big to quote) This is a really inventive way of looking at the Great Beings. It has a sort of Asguardian feel - they're not people like us, but most of them watch out for us and a few visit. Hair?! Up until now, I though this was following a fairly canon story as far as biology goes, but I guess I was wrong. Incorrect punctuation and capitalization again. Corrected:The Pedagogue leaned forward. "Listen, Verectorian; this plan won't just change the government, or who the Agori pay taxes to. It may just be Verectorian's style, but he sounds very redundant. Corrected:Verectorian remained unswayed. "You dishonor the Code of the Great Beings," he growled. "What you are advocating is a conquering dictatorship." Wow, hair and and kids. This is not what I was expecting based on the beginning of the story. Do Glatorian and Matoran have the same family structure? Corrected:"I shall let you live, this time," Verectorian said, turning slowly. "Go back to whatever foul place you came from. I have won." The pistol's safety, not "safeties".From chapter 5 - Corrected:"After the battle with Verectorian, the Pedagogue was pretty badly wounded," replied Surel. "No one knows what happened to him. All I have to go on is rumors, y'know? Corrected:Kyry turned and whispered to him, "We have to return to Fortitude and find Gresh and Likara before it's too late!" Corrected:"What about the Pedagogue's armies?" asked Synheith, prodding further. "Are they in a position to do much harm?" This gets a little confusing towards the end; I had to read it twice to understand that Verectorian had succeeded, not the Pedagogue. (Great name for him, by the way) One way to fix this - and the capitalization and punctuation - would be:Surel stared into space for a while, then firmly concluded, "No. His original armies of sentient Baterra were mostly expelled onto Bara Magna's two moons, after that Shattering thing. And if your Mata Nui robot is back, it means that Verectorian succeeded in his mission to destroy the armies." Corrected:"I fought for Verectorian, and was there at his last battle," Surel's voice lowered. "Saw his body tumble off the side of the mountain into the canyon, a huge hole through his helmet. Poor chap never saw it coming."And just so you know, "chap" feels a little awkward here, considering that Surel generally speaks American slang. "Guy" might work better. Corrected:"Whoa, easy; it's just me," said Likara. The Toa of Water was clearly exhausted, and Synheith could tell she was trying hard to maintain the characteristic spunk in her voice. "Where's Gresh? What happened?" asked Synheith, a rare undertone of anxiety seeping into his voice. "Did you find the coffin?" Likara nodded and lowered her head. "We found a sarcophagus, hidden deep in one of the mountain caves. Some guy in dark armor was inside; he looked dead. Gresh touched the guy's arm and there was a flash of light. When my eyes stopped seeing white dots, Gresh was on the floor out cold, and the dead guy was standing in front of me, staring at me with these cold, hollow eyes. Then he pressed something on his gauntlet, light flashed again and he vanished." Corrected:"Ah, my old friend Verectorian," the black armored being said, as if to empty air. "Even in death, it looks like some people still respect the virtues of your family. I will make sure those people are no more." From chapter 6 - Corrected:"Quiet, Agori," replied Synheith coldly. "Unless you want me to crash into the next boulder.""Can you two stop squabbling?" appealed Likara. "We need to get Gresh back to the Matoran City and warn them, before the Pedagogue decides to act!" "Looks like he already has." Corrected:"You're someone from the time before time, aren't you?" she said, cautiously. "Before the Core War, before Glatorian civilization."From chapter 7 - Corrected:"Are you hurt?" Likara asked softly. "Who took you out?" This paragraph tell me nothing I didn't already know based on Synheith's previous deductions. It's not really necessary to do a recap here. Corrected:"Tobduk, we need to bring you up to speed on a few things," said Synheith. "But before that, I need to ask you; what is the Decryption Crystal? And what is it for? I have a feeling it might be linked to what the Baterra are after." He wasn't sure, at this moment, if he was putting his own selfish desire for knowledge in front of the security of the entire Matoran City, or if it was in reality the other way around. Corrected:"You do know what its for." Synheith started speaking in a more hurried tone. "You sent me to Destral to look for it!" Since Verectorian is long since dead, this should read as past tense:Verectorian seems to have had a complex mind, mused Synheith. Corrected:"A nice story, Toa," he said in his usual confident tone. "If it's true, then it looks like the Pedagogue is back, and he's made the first move." Really good mental imagery here - it must be a new thing for a Makuta to feel helpless!From chapter 8 - Corrected:"What could they possibly want in our basement?" Tobduk questioned. "And, come to think of it, what do they want here? Corrected:"Put the Toa down and hand us the Crystal," said Tobduk slowly, as if giving instructions to a child. "We have you outgunned. Or would you prefer to experience what I did to your old friend Tridax?" All of these have the comma-instead-of-period problem that I've brought up a couple times now.From chapter 10 - Again, there should be a period after "casually". Since this is a problem that turns up pretty consistently, you should watch out for it. Aside from that, this has a philosophical turn that I love, especially considering that most of the story up until this point has been action. An excellent question. Why indeed?Overall, I'd say you have a good idea here, but your form clouds that good story. The adventures of this new world, your enginuity with the society of the Great Beings and your witty quips all suffer from a few minor grammatical errors. You have good narration and scenery, but the characters sometimes fall short. My advice is to keep working on your dialogue and really flesh out your protagonists more. Of course, if you have actually made it this far in a review that takes over 5,000 words, you have proven beyond a doubt that you are dedicated enough to turn this into the polished story it deserves to be.-HH
  21. Assigned to our resident flatterer, Cederak. The review is due by January 25th, but will probably be turned in long before that. Thanks for coming to the ECC, Forgotten!-HH
  22. My pre-order of the Hobbit soundtrack finally arrived!

    1. Noble Tehurye

      Noble Tehurye

      Just before the movie itself is released. Wow.

       

      I can't wait for the film. :)

  23. If I never see a grumpy customer again, I will be happy.

  24. Christmas, I promise to never treat you like a chore or a panic attack.

    1. Noble Tehurye

      Noble Tehurye

      A resolution we should all make.

    2. Steelsheen
  25. Congratulations to our newest critic, The Wretched Automaton!-HH
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