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a goose

Outstanding BZPower Citizens
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Blog Entries posted by a goose

  1. a goose
    So, this probably won't get noticed, and if this were on any other topic I'd follow that up with 'but I don't really care'. Honestly though, I do, and I am deeply ashamed of that.
    For whatever reason, I have always wanted people to pay attention to me. And not like your usual acknowledging someone exists kind of attention - I want people to be interested in the things I do, even when the things I do aren't interesting. I've been trying to tone this element of my personality down, but it's still there, just hanging around telling me that I should do stuff to make people notice me. Worse again, since I feel an inclination toward doing weird stuff anyway, I'm never sure even within myself if I'm doing something because I want to do it or because I want attention.
    I want other people to pay attention to me. I want other people to like me and to shower me with praise. I have a lot of problems with paranoia as soon as I get this attention, though, and unfortunately they end up being right often enough to make me scared of attention. I don't know why I'm simultaneously scared of attention and really want it. I'm scared of being around people and scared of being alone, as well. I'm not great with the whole consistency gig.
     
    Since being attention-seeking is not a particularly nice trait, I'm always trying to disguise it when it comes up. But I do feel the need to show off. I could easily just write in my own time, show a friend or two, feel a little proud of myself. Instead I write on a website, put banners and links in my signature, post links on my blog, ask all my friends to read it, and I always showcase it as 'look at this cool thing I made' rather than its actual meaning of 'look how cool I am, please pay attention to me'. Even the people who I already know care about me regardless are affected by this. I need to show off, I need to be different. Any time social interactions are going on, I have to be the strangest person in the room, because that's how you get people's attention, the attention that I crave and am terrified of. And, in all honesty, I'm making this blog entry so people will pay attention to it and pay attention to me, and I don't know to what degree that makes me a horrible person. And that last sentence was deliberately structured to get people's pity up so that they would pay attention to me and tell me I'm not an awful human being, and no matter how hard I try to stop I just keep doing the things that I think will make people look at me. I can't give a proper ending to this blog entry, since it's just me ranting about myself. I'm an attention-seeker who is terrified of attention, and overall just pretty great at life.
    (as a general rule, though, I do not lie in order to get other people's attention. There are lines)
     
    - Indigo Individual
  2. a goose
    So, I found out a lot of stuff today that's hit me pretty hard, and although its nature means I can't go into detail on it, I still want to vent some of my feelings.
     
    As some of you will know, I have for some time been a huge fan of the musician, artist, writer and YouTuber Tom Milsom. I admired and I respected him -- he's talented, he's funny, he said a lot of things that I agreed with and very few that I didn't. In the last few days, some news has come to light -- specifically of a distinctly unhealthy relationship he had with a fan two years ago, who was six or seven years younger than him. It's been a heart-breaking experience -- I cared a great deal about Tom and what he represented, and it came as a real shock to my system.
     
    For the past year or so, I have consistently strived to be more like Tom, both in personality and appearance; I built up a wardrobe that distinctly resembled his and wore it with pride, because he genuinely came across as a wonderful human being, with his adorable behavioural quirks and music that actually caused me to care about music. I've tried to be myself, regardless of how I felt was 'normal' to behave, I've become more forgiving in a healthy way toward other people, and through all this I became a great deal more comfortable with myself and who I am.
     
    When the news broke, it came as a shock to everyone. I don't know how much of it is true -- a fair amount of it certainly seems sketchy -- but there's enough undeniable truth in it to condemn him, and that hurts me, not just because of my adoration of Tom but because of how he must be feeling. If you're familiar with the allegations, or look them up, you probably won't like that idea, but allow me to elaborate: Tom is not the person that he was then. From the statements made by the people closest to him who haven't yet abandoned him, it's clear that he's developed a great deal as a person, and from what statements he himself has made it's clear that he regrets it. The whole way that this has happened is wrong, and he's probably been left feeling very alone by it all, but what I find worst about it is the fact that people are taking things he's said in the past, twisting them and pulling them out of context, to make it appear that Tom is a complete monster. And he's not. He's made some terrible decisions, and I can't justify them or say he shouldn't suffer consequences, but he's said and he's done good things too, and I don't think it's right to actively work to invalidate those.
     
    There's something that Tom once said that I'm going to quote, because I feel it bears relevance to what I'm about to go on to say:
    "what's cool is that even though i'll always be tom milsom, i can be completely different people within that"
     
    The Tom Milsom that I have come to know and love and the Tom Milsom who is being revealed now are not the same person, and in my mind I plan to keep it that way. I am going to continue to hold up the values of the Tom I know -- I'm going to continue being myself, I'm going to continue trying to love those around me, I'm going to continue to work at my musical ability and I am probably still going to listen to his music (although not purchase any more), because all those things are good things. The Tom Milsom that I know is a good person, and he may not be the real Tom Milsom, but he's the one I'm going to continue striving to be like, regardless of the facets of his personality he didn't show. I won't be as vocal about my adoration -- the person I want to be is no longer 'Tom Milsom' by name, because that name has been tarnished by the allegations standing against him and what facts have been confirmed or can for the moment be assumed to be true. But I'm still going to remember his values, and I'm still going to remember those things he said, because even if he might not be a good person they are good things, and I won't let them be ruined by the mistakes he made before or during presenting them.
     
    - Indigo Individual
  3. a goose
    The blogs on BZP are a place for opinions, for stories, and far too often for arguments.
     
    The arguments, I do not take part in, for fear of hurting myself or others.
     
    My stories, I do not share, because those few I have I'd prefer not to share with the internet.
     
    And my opinions have been stated by others already, more eloquently than I could ever hope to share them.
     
     
    But I'm far too inactive here, and as such I'm going to take part in two of these anyway.
     
     
    As regards stories:
     
    A few weeks ago, I was in Donegal. I would love to say I made friends, and in fact I did, although I lost them soon thereafter. But the most important thing, the most enduring thing, about this short holiday was that while in Donegal I bought a stuffed waterfowl of the ambiguous white nature.
     
    Now, I love stuffed toys. I adore them. I have at least fifty, although most are unfortunately missing. And this is something I've shared with someone about whom I care a great deal. And when I was in that little souvenir shop, I thought of this person, and I remembered how much I cared about them, and I wanted to buy them something. And I saw this ambiguous white waterfowl, and it was gorgeous -- it was beautiful, it was adorable, I saw it and all I wanted to do was hug it (it resembled something between a grown swan and a gosling). So I bought this ambiguous white waterfowl, and later named her Gary.
     
    I did not believe that I would ever get the chance to give Gary to the aforementioned person. This person, like many others for whom I've come to care a great deal, was not talking to me, and hadn't in over a month. This was sad, although not surprising -- I'm not the easiest person to live with, due to various aspects of my personality, and people do eventually come to be fed up with me. Those that don't, I respect very much, despite their being few in number. So I kept Gary at home, I left her on my desk, I looked at her and I thought of this person, and of the other people who have come to dislike me. And that bittersweet nostalgia which some of you might relate to filled me, and I came to care a great deal about Gary, too.
     
    Then, just about a week after I came home from Donegal, feeling depressed and guilty, something amazing happened: this person began talking to me again.
    I was shocked. I was happy, of course, but shocked. And, you know, that day is one I count as the best of my life. At least, the night -- we stayed up all night, just talking to each other. We weren't talking about anything in particular, just talking. And I really enjoyed that.
     
    Some people are easier to talk to than others. And what I love about conversations with some people is how they don't rigidly fit a topic, how they gradually grow, evolve, go into tangents, into changes, because the conversation is alive and exciting. This person is the kind with whom I can have a conversation like that, and I had one for eight hours straight.
     
    I told this person about Gary during that conversation, showed them a photo. At the time, it was more a joke than anything else, but they agreed with me, they had that little moment of squeeing over how frickin' adorable she was. And I came to realise that Gary wasn't mine anymore.
     
    So yesterday, I met up in town with this person and a few other friends, and I gave them Gary. And that moment as they took Gary, while rather short-lived given I had to leave, will hopefully remain with me. Because -- from what I could tell -- they were happy. And, for the first time in far too long, I feel genuinely happy too.
     
     
    I will share an opinion tomorrow, but I hope that for now this is enough. Byeeeeeeeee~
     
    - Indefatigable Individual
  4. a goose
    I think it's about time I made use of this blog, so you can ask me any question, from ridiculous to philosophical, and I will give you my honest answer.
    gogogogogogogogogo
     
    please
     
    - Indefatigable Individual
  5. a goose
    alright so I'll be honest: I love my current name and I'm going to return to it as soon as I can, but for now I feel like putting my name change in the audience's hands.
    so hit me with your best name suggestions, I'll pick the best ones and then you can pick the best of those and then we'll all feel happy. Apart from me, I'll feel like a cool dude because I'll have a silly name.
     
    go go audience
     
    - Indigo Individual
  6. a goose
    I don't believe that BZPower bought LEGO, that BZPower didn't buy LEGO, that the GregF announcement was real, that the GregF announcement was made by GregF, OR that B6 was telling the truth when he locked the topic and banned Greg.
    WHO'S WITH ME
     
    - Indigo Individual
  7. a goose
    Some people stay because they still like BIONICLE, others for the community, others again just for the nostalgia... me?
    I don't leave because the universe conspires to make me stay.


     
    So basically you're all going to be stuck with me forever.
     
    - Indigo Individual
  8. a goose
    Antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
    And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
    And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
    And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
    Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium,
    And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium,
    And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium,
    *gasp*
    And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.
     
    There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium,
    And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium,
    And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
    And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium.
     
    There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium,
    And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
    And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium,
    Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and caesium,
    And lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium,
    Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
    And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium,
    *gasp*
    And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.
     
    There's sulfur, californium, and fermium, berkelium,
    And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium,
    And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc, and rhodium,
    And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium.
     
    These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard,
    And there may be many others, but they haven't been discovered.
     
    - Indigo Individual
  9. a goose
    this is the day when we Irish people celebrate being Irish by staying inside to avoid getting injured in parades and most Americans celebrate being 'Irish' by wearing Scottish kilts and playing bagpipes
    and let's not forget the Guiness
     
    good times, man
    good times
     
    - Indigo Individual
  10. a goose
    I was having a conversation with a friend about a book by John Connolly which I recently bought a copy of, The Book of Lost Things, and went off into somewhat of a rant and decided that it would be an idea to talk about why John Connolly is my favourite author here.
     
    John Connolly has written quite a few novels, his most well-known likely being his crime ones, but they aren't what I want to talk about. I've read one of his detective stories, and I quite enjoyed it, along with a few horror stories he wrote. But the book that has always stood out to me as my favourite from his works, my favourite book overall too, is The Gates.
    The Gates is a story about a boy named Samuel, and his pet dog, who discover that their new neighbours in house 666 are planning to open a door to [heck], and release various demons, on the night after Halloween. It balances humour with horror and serious scenes, with footnotes and references to art, theoretical physics and religion (if you aren't particularly religious, you might well enjoy the mentions of religion. If you are, you may not). From that little description alone, you can tell that it could so easily go horribly wrong, and yet, in my opinion at least, it doesn't. It manages to be funny and serious, and its style is quite quirky and humorous (the chapter titles are joking previews of the chapter's contents, and some can be rather long; the footnotes too are funny, but not always, sometimes preferring to give some interesting information about things mentioned in the story). The beginning isn't cheesy or overdone, and the motives of the neighbours are more realistic than my summary would suggest. They aren't evil cultists, they're just ordinary adults with boring lives who get themselves into something big and dangerous as a result.
    Another book by Connolly with a similar 'feeling' to The Gates is The Book of Lost Things. It, too, follows a boy, named David, but beyond the boy becoming involved in an adventure that matures him somewhat there aren't all that many similarities (except in the writing style, which replaces references to science with references to fairy tales and footnotes with slightly altered versions of stories we all know well). In The Gates, while what occurs is obviously something that wouldn't happen in our reality, yet is very much the truth in the book, The Book of Lost Things never truly explains whether or not what takes place in it genuinely happens. David has OCD, and at the start of the book he loses his mother, which sets everything up for what occurs later. David's mother had always read to him as a child, and told him that books were living things too, and after her death David begins to 'hear' the books talking among themselves, and the worlds of fantasy and reality begin to get more and more blurred as time passes. The loss of his mother is soon followed by his father 'replacing' her with Rose, one of the nurses who had taken care of his mother while she was ill, which doesn't help him much, and he begins to drift away from his father due to his hatred of Rose and dislike of his recently born half-brother, Georgie, taking refuge in the fairy tales he knew as a young child. The story changes quite a bit around this time, but I've spoiled enough already for those who might want to read it, so I won't go on. Both The Gates and The Book of Lost Things are great stories, which I would very much recommend. The Gates has a sequel, but I haven't read it yet and it doesn't look massively promising so I can't make any guarantees about it. It's likely a good read -- most things by John Connolly are -- but what I would worry is that it wouldn't be as good as The Gates.
    Worth noting is that The Book of Lost Things is a lot more serious than The Gates -- expect little, if any, humour from it. Even the most lighthearted scene in the book is dark in its own right.
     
    Anyway, that's a little about my favourite author and two of my favourite books, so yeah.
     
    - Vorex
  11. a goose
    A lot of people have problems or feel down, and generally when they complain to me about these things I take the nice option and try to help them feel better.
    Some, however, tend to be just a little bit ungrateful, thinking that they can dump anything on me without the possibility of, y'know, hurting me. Because obviously being nice to people means that I can never be hurt or insulted.
    Fact of the matter is, like everyone else, I am human, and I do have feelings, and they can be hurt. In the past, I would've just forgiven these people immediately and returned to supporting them, but I'm beginning to realise that that isn't the best option, because it just means being hurt again, and again, and again. These people aren't worth my time.
    And that's basically the purpose of this blog entry, speaking about my personal little decision about how people who hurt me repeatedly shouldn't really be considered my friends. So yeah.
     
    The moral of the story is that when people are nice to you, you should think before arguing back at them and being insensitive towards them, especially with some things that should be very obvious (for example, you don't complain to an ex-boyfriend who you yourself dumped about how difficult moving on from a guy is going to be for you). Similarly, if you are nice to pretty much everyone, don't keep going back to the people who don't return the favour.
     
    - Vorex
  12. a goose
    So, I've written quite a bit of stuff in the time I've been on BZP, and I've decided to just put my big works here in this blog post and maybe put a list in a sidebar like The Affably Evil Automaton has. The images serve as links.
     

    TIME-KEEPER SAGA (BIONICLE Epics)










    Credit to Shattered Mask Productions for the banner.







    Incommodo, Toa of Magnetism detective, is pulled into a plot that threatens time itself when he is captured by Ignotus, ancient Emperor of the Mystix.










    Credit to Shattered Mask Productions for the banner.







    Incommodo has accomplished a lot, from catching criminals to saving time itself. The latter, however, is not accepted by the public, and he has found himself locked away from society, with no company but his own reflection. This changes, however, when a series of explosions goes off in New Atero, and no one seems able to work out the cause. Incommodo finds himself in danger once again, when he is joined by a new ally, Arkrak, while trying to hunt down a serial killer going by the name of Reichenbach. But it's clear soon enough that Reichenbach's plan involves more than a few murders...










    Credit to Eredar for the banner.







    In the third part of the Time-Keeper Saga, we return to where everything began: the assembly of the six Matoran Time-Keepers, tasked with protecting the mysterious Key of Time. Summoned at the moments of their deaths to the abandoned city of Va-Metru, they soon find that they aren't the only ones there. With danger lurking constantly just out of sight, they must find a way to escape Va-Metru, before it's too late.










    Credit to Eredar for the drawing in the background.







    All of our heroes return for the final part of the Time-Keeper Saga, as the villainous Nekron strikes them down one by one, and Incommodo is at last confronted with his destiny. (In progress)







    MARKED (OTC Epics)














    Several teenagers find their lives placed in danger when they awake on the morning of the twenty-first of July with strange tattoos and powers. Threatened by one of their own and hunted by those who want them dead, the Marked find themselves outnumbered and alone, forced to work together if they want to survive. (In progress)






    Feel free to read any of these, or have a look at my signature for some of my other stuff.
     
    - Vorex
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