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Turaga (9/293)

  1. Thanks for detailing all the changes! I'm a bit sad that the 'Years later' in Book 3 had to go as I much prefer thinking of the timespan between the Bohrok Kal and Mask of Light as being years, but I guess it contradicts what Greg said later on so I can understand it. As far as book names go, I think most of them are really good as it is. Book 1: Infection - Honestly, I think this name is spot on and I'd prefer it left as is. It describes not only the infected masks, but also the idea of Makuta as an infection in Mata Nui. It's too perfect to change. Book 2: Swarm - Pretty good. It's possible you could change it to something with a double meaning like Cleanse but I think Swarm is great. Book 3: Masks - I think this is one of the weakest titles. Masks could just as easily refer to Book 1. Some alternatives: Revenge (from Makuta's Revenge) Powerless (from the comic by the same name, describes the loss of the Toa Nuva's power but also Tahu being powerless to stop Ta-Koro being destroyed and also how Takua goes from having no power to being the Toa of Light) Power (See above) Book 4: Legends - This seems fine to me. Book 5: Venom - Could be better. Fractures (From the comic with the same name) Book 6: Doomed - I like this one. Book 7: Sacrifice - Not sure spoiling the ending is ideal. Downfall, (from the book with the same name.) I've seen other compilations use Downfall for the 2007 story. Book 8: Rising - Could be better. Endgame (from the comic with the same name). Destiny (I think Destiny fits 2008 far better than it does 2009) Ignition (I know Ignition normally refers to the 2006-2007 story moreso than the 2008 story, but I think it's so fitting given the reveal that the Toa's goal in this is basically the ignition of a giant power generator). Book 9: Destiny - I kind of hate this one? This story is far more about Unity than Destiny. Destiny only really applies in Journey's End, and considering this is one of the longest books (and actually comprises two years, not one), I feel like it's overlooking a lot of the story. Reborn (from A Hero Reborn or The Legend Reborn)
  2. This looks amazing, I am absolutely in love with this style. I don't suppose you could show how the body was built?
  3. I think the issue is that the Turaga would probably name landmarks after things that they cared about. That doesn't mean that every single Toa Mangai needs to be represented. Maybe Nokama once met Naho. Maybe Nokama read up a lot on Naho and looked up to her. That might be why Naho Bay was named after her, just like how Ihu was a close friend of Nuju's. But even though Vakama looked up to Lhikan, even though the entire team had some interaction with Lhikan and Lhikan was no doubt the most influential Toa on the Toa Metru, there's no landmark named in his honor (although he did get a legend about him). I don't doubt that the Turaga would have tried to keep different parts of their history alive in the naming of various landmarks, but each Turaga likely named the landmarks in their own Wahi differently, based on their own personal values. If they have dead or lost Matoran friends that they care about, I would expect that they might name landmarks after them. It's also entirely possible that the names come from legends told in Metru Nui, from sections of the archives or long-lost beasts or the names of streets or knowledge towers that the Turaga once visited or lived on or spent time in. This is just my personal opinion, mind you, but I don't think we need such alterations to the lore to be officially endorsed if they never impacted on the story itself. These are fun things to consider but I do find myself a bit frustrated at the alterations to canon that didn't get mentioned otherwise in the story. Making up lore is a lot of fun, and it's enjoyable if you can squeeze that into a story or make a MOC or something, but I think a part of the value of Bionicle is the space it offers for creativity. To my mind, if every landmark had a Greg approved canonical history that the name came from, that means there's less room for fanart to make it's own interpretations.
  4. Oh, that makes sense. I forgot about the text, that's a bit embarrassing.
  5. New story map is looking great. If it's just the header that changes, I think that works really well for the individual pages, but I'd want to keep most of the page layout fairly simple and neutral so that the focus is on the story.
  6. It's definitely coming across nicely. I think the 'map' would be better with a drop-down list of years or something, as it is each year's worth of contents takes up a good chunk of text and that's going to get worse as you add the 2003 comics. 2004 and 2006 are going to be *enormous*. I think having headings for each year, even if they just link to the relevant year, would make navigation a bit easier. Ideally, each year should have its own title that makes it clear what the theme of that year is, but I realize that requires fan-created additions. Still, if the idea is to be accessible to non-fans, a title like "2001: The Toa Arrive" "2002: The Bohrok Swarms" "2003: Mask of Light" would help to guide newcomers through the story, especially if they are most interested in one or two years that they're particularly nostalgic for.
  7. You accidentally titled Chapter 16 of Beware the Bohrok as Chapter 6. I wonder if the map would look better if it were titled in a different format; ie: 'Tale of the Toa: Chapter One' instead of 'Chapter One: Tale of the Toa'. As it is, I'm taking a quick look to see what's available, but if I'm scanning for comics then I'll want to see the comic title before the chapter title.
  8. Maybe you could title those chapters to make it easier for fans to play? So the first Takua chapter could be called something like "Mata Nui Online Game: Beach & Ga-Koro" so that fans who want to play can follow along. You'd get some awkwardness at the Kini Nui section though.
  9. "Two turned out to be blades, shaped into the form of leaping red flames. They fitted together into a sword, the handle sitting comfortably in his clawed hand." I really like this. I understand why it was changed to one sword, but I always liked the idea that Tahu's flame sword was two pieces that fit together. For some reason, that always made sense to me - the actual blade on the Tahu Mata figure's sword looked as though it could be made by overlapping two blades. I realize this is just changing the text back to the original, slightly erroneous version; but I still appreciate it. I kind of like the idea that Tahu's sword is just a hilt that created an actual flame, as shown in MNOG, but if it has to be a physical blade then this level of detail is nice. Regarding Book 2 - and I can't remember if I've brought this up before (forgive me), but I'm a bit confused as to why Le-Koro Liberated! and Last Moment Save! aren't listed directly after the Lewa/Onua fight in the comics. It didn't really bug me when it was all in a shortened text format, but with the QR media I think it would be better if the stories led off from each other. While there's no mention of time passing in the chapter books, Le-Koro Liberated! and Last Moment Save! each imply an entire day/night cycle. It... frustrates me a bit that we currently have the Toa Mata deciding to enter the Bohrok Nest immediately before night falls in Le-Koro Liberated; and then an entire battle takes place in Le-Koro, and then Takua, Jaller and Nuparu somehow have time to reach Ga-Koro, during which time the Toa Mata get a little bit deeper into the Bohrok nest and find the Exo Toa, and then night falls again in Ga-Koro?! The implication that the Toa spend the better part of two days seeking and fighting the Bahrag doesn't line up with what we see in the chapter book. I think it would be better to, immediately after the comic Lewa/Onua fight, list Le-Koro Liberated, Island Wildlife On The Move, and Last Minute Save in that order (which implies that Takua has traveled from Le-Koro to Ga-Koro in Island Wildlife on the Move). I'll admit that it's somewhat frustrating that Kopaka and Tahu seem to hang around the entrance of the Bohrok Nest for a couple of days, but at least this way it's possible that the Toa are fighting Bohrok and collecting Krana during their travels and while they regroup. In any case, I'm loving the QR code additions. It saves me a little bit of hassle googling those animations, but it also makes it clear that there *are* web animations, which is wonderful.
  10. Very cool. It's great to see another archive of the Bionicle story. Since Biological Chronicle already exists (and I love it), I like that Wall of History seems to be more focused on archiving the media as released. Barring spelling and grammar issues, it makes sense for a second archive to focus on preserving the media in its original form. However, that seems to be at odds with the idea of splitting books up and shoving various comics into them. If accuracy and completion are your interests, I think you'll find it's jarring to have to read tracts of story twice in different forms. One of the issues with Biological Chronicle is how much is redundant, and reading many of the comics on top of the chapter books only draws attention to those inconsistencies. I think that, especially in 2002 and some of the later years, you'll realize that there are only a handful of comic pages that add something new. The comics in 2001 are fantastic and Hapka managed to write Tale of the Toa around the comics (with the exception of part of the first). 2002 is going to double up a lot. I wonder what you will do for things like the Bohrok Animations. A suggestion: Could you offer multiple reading options? For instance; offer a way to read *just* an individual book instead of all the serials, comics and other stories that intersect with it? If you could do something like have the ability to customize the reading experience so that it can do things like cut out 'redundant' comics, cut out comics completely, include or exclude the MNOG and web animations, or just read the story in order but without cutting up stories (ie. Tale of the Toa > Comic 1 > Comic 2 > Comic 3 > MNOG > Bionicle Synopsis Excerpts > Beware the Bohrok...) you might be able to offer something else. I realize that would require a lot more coding but those granular options would really offer a separate experience to Biological Chronicle while being able to archive every story in its (mostly) original form without forcing readers to read the same events multiple times in succession.
  11. Nice. I'll admit that I was surprised by the sudden ending - even in the framing device, it's mentioned that there doesn't appear to be much conflict or character arc. However, I did rather enjoy the focus on the worldbuilding, and I think the story stands out because of that. Seeing the Sand Tribe before the became Vorox, the various ways the tribes work together, and even the minute details like differing sword designs was enjoyable, and it's nice to think about Raanu in the context that he was once, oh so long ago, a child. Mentioning parent-child relationships at all isn't done at all in Bionicle, even when it makes sense in the context of the Agori, so it's great to see it touched on. Well done. The best worldbuilding is always done within a narrative and you've achieved that here. I hope you continue writing because you have a definite knack for worldbuilding and combining established concepts with fresh takes in a logical and consistent manner.
  12. Thank you for writing this for me. I can't believe how amazingly long it was - I thought I'd racked a high wordcount but you blew me out of the water! And wow, you managed to weave so much about these two into this story. Great characterization, I loved how much of Hahli and Jaller's lives you managed to wrap into this story. Oh, when Hahli was at Jaller's funeral I almost shed a tear, it was heartbreaking. I also rather enjoyed the mention of Hahli and her tribeswomen gathering items from their home. I suppose it's something I've normally overlooked but it was well written and added a touch of Hahli and Nixie's personalities. And Hahli's reaction to seeing Metru Nui for the first time (that she remembers) - there's so much to gush over here! If I may offer critique (which this board seems to encourage), I thought your writing style was wonderful but limited by some unnecessary uses of commas and very long sentences. Other than that, the heavy use of character thoughts and feelings worked very well and came together to create a very emotional and introspective story. Outside of those little technical details I've mentioned, you know what to write and when. In any case, this was absolutely touching, and seeing Jaller pull away from Hahli, and being able to anticipate how much it would hurt her, was great. Well done on writing a character-driven story in this world. Oh, and thank you for the short inclusion of Nobua!
  13. Hey, TuragaNuva, I think it was discussed in a bit more detail early on, but I've been thinking about taking a look at Vrahno's translation of the Hungarian Tale of the Toa and altering some of the details to make a canon-compliant version of it. There are a lot of cool details and scenes in it that I like, but the translation is a little rough (with random changes in tense, repeated treespeak instances and Out of Character exclamations) that I'd need to neaten up, not to mention incorrect weapon and mask details being mentioned. If I made this translation, would you consider adding it to Biological Chronicle - or should I make a copy of my own and throw the comics in?
  14. Thank you very much, Toa of Italy! I'm glad that you enjoyed this story! Using Taipu as a POV character was an excellent way to explore the world around him because he just gets so gosh-dang excited about seeing all the beautiful sights of Mata Nui. In that regard, it was rather easy to focus on all of those details - to ignore the scenery in a Taipu-centered story would have been very odd indeed. Oh bother! I did do a quick search through the 2002 story in Biological Chronicle to try and confirm whether anything happened to Ko-Koro, but I couldn't find anything. In hindsight, Kopaka mentions that the Tahnok are approaching and would inevitably destroy it, but we don't actually see or hear of that destruction. Unless there is something else I've missed, I'm not sure that it's a blatant error - but there is a bit of a contradiction regardless. There is also another contradiction - the Wall of History entry for New Invention Saves Onu-Koro states that Nuparu and company managed to retake Onu-Koro with the use of the Boxors. I normally go by the animations so I didn't pick this up until after I posted it!
  15. What a lovely and sweet story. I've never been much good at writing Kopaka, but you've captured him so well here. And there are so many wonderful lore references! I love seeing a slightly longer story set during 2001 that can really focus on character growth, and I think you've really captured both characters well. I always feel a hint of trepidation when I see Lewa focused stories because I feel like he's one of the characters that tends to get flanderized a lot. You nailed him, and it was lovely to hear him say "I work better alone." Excellent work, I feel like this slots into canon perfectly which I always appreciate. Oh yeah, the treespeak - I think there was one time it was a bit over-used in Lewa's early sentences, but for the most part, you handled it really well and allowed each usage to enhance the meaning of what Lewa was saying. “You ever get shiver-cold up in those mountains?” was a fantastic use of it. I think you kept true to the treespeak that Lewa used in 2001-2003. Great to see your action sequences - long, meandering sentences that feel like they go for a marathon. They give a sense of confusion and panic. I'll admit I felt a bit confused at times in the sequences, but I feel like that was what you were aiming for with those breathy sentences that just never end. It feels like Kopaka's mind must have been racing as well. Oh, and I love the pun in the title. Lovely work. May I ask - do you have a particular point in the story you imagine this taking place in? It feels like you slotted this in perfectly into the rest of 2001 and did your research to make sure you got everything right.
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