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Cederak

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Everything posted by Cederak

  1. I've been meaning to continue this epic for a while, and deciding to jump back in around Stave 12, I realized I'd forgotten nearly everything. So I spent the last 1.5 hours reading 1-22 in their entirety, and I'm glad I took the time to do so. This epic diverges into a few separate storylines, all of which become equally captivating. Stave 17 finally gave an outright reference to "Life is a Blank," and that was interesting to run across. Probably the one line that really stood out though was the elderly Onu-Matoran telling Matoro that "Metru-Nui shut it's gates just before the Great Cataclysm." Since 2004, I had never taken a moment to consider how the Toa Mangai going about sealing off Metru Nui's gates must've looked to the rest of the Matoran Universe. It's a haunting line, and really resonates with this story's tone. By the look of it, you're coming up on a month since your latest chapter was posted, and I hope you'll continue things soon. This has been an amazing epic thus far. -Ced
  2. Considering you both brought the issue of "biomechs" up, I should address that first. In place of words like "man," "woman," "person," "people," "human," - words that have no place or real meaning to the Matoran Universe, I wanted something in their place. Biomech seemed like a good fit, and while I could certainly draw its use back a bit when the story becomes an epic, I don't think I'd do away with it entirely unless I had a better term to use instead.Second, laser rifles. The mechanics behind this have an energy shell containing dormant energies that react with the weapon when fired. This causes a solid beam of heated power to fire from the rifle and cause damage. There is zero science to support any of that, but as RC-1505 mentioned, real-world physics is out of the equation.-Ced Thanks for reading, Tobi. I actually tried out Deus Ex: HR a while back - lost interest a couple hours in. The laser rifle was more of a Star Trek/Star Wars-inspired idea. I have to say though, I'm flattered to hear the comparison to Greg, as it was really his stories that gave me the momentum to start writing here. I'm sure many BZP writers have a similar beginning. I like adding a degree of detail for characters, because I'm often left to wonder when reading other people's work. And eyes are very important when I describe individuals, especially color. Regarding the insectoid, Trylac, you were right to think of sci-fi. His form comes from several different "monsters" in sci-fi movies and stories, coming together as a mysterious entity. I'll have to give him a little more dialogue in the epic.While I don't think I could ever match what Greg has done with Bionicle, I really appreciate your commentary and I'm glad to hear you like this enough to keep it around on your computer. Greg did and still does a very good job at his writing with Bionicle, to say that he should be cast aside and have someone that writes similarly to himself seems kind of stupid, honestly. If I remember correctly, Greg also made vivid descriptions in his writings that are similar to those found in this SS, such as describing Zaktan as being "emerald green", Tahu as "Crimson Red", etc; not to mention his detailed accounts of Metru-Nui, Tren Krom, and the rest of the Bionicle Universe. How else do you think it has such a rich storyline and atmosphere that has created fans as loyal as ones that make fan-art or write creative writings based on it's lore?In the same way there is a very little we see of the League-era Matoran Universe, I don't see a lot of artwork on the pre-Pit Barraki - mostly a MOC now and again. That'll be interesting to see when you finish it - and I presume you'll be posting it on the forums.Anyway, thank you for reading this. Painting a mental picture for the reader has always been important to me, and it's easy to lose sight of that if you focus too much on the story aspect. Good to hear that I got the job done for you, and I hope you'll stop by the epic forums when the extended version arrives.
  3. Thank you to the BZPower staff for choosing my short story as a Member Creation Spotlight piece, and thanks to everyone who stopped by to read it! Thanks, Click. Our story ideas seem to be purely coincidental, as I had to check your sig to figure out what Bionicle: Next Generation was. As I said earlier in the topic, I am already working on expanding this into an epic and I hope to begin posting it in late Spring sometime. Glad to hear you enjoyed this though - I'm actually interested in seeing your League-era story when you begin posting it. There's so many stories that can be told during that time, so I'm very curious to see where you'll be going with it.-Ced
  4. The Outlaws and the Dream by Cederak.I've never used the SSCC before (mostly because it didn't exist when my SS writing days were more active), but better late than never. Thanks.-Ced
  5. I have actually encountered the problem you're talking about. It has happened while using a desktop (my own and a friend's), laptop, Internet Explorer, Chrome, Firefox, and Safari too. It only happens on BZPower, though, and not all of the time. While I like to have everything typed out before I format anything, there are occasions when something needs to be edited, and that's when the issue shows up. Looking at some of the responses to this topic, I'm led to believe this is a strictly BZPower-related problem.-Ced
  6. I'd have to say Than the Moa. He used to have a higher quality version of the N7 logo, but I like the current one too.-Ced
  7. Well, after 11 years, I found myself writing so much here in the library, and that became the most important place for me. I've written comedies, epics, short stories, spent time as an epic critic, and now I run that very tiny program. BZPower and Bionicle, while giving me an outlet, also inspired me to work at becoming a better writer - an ability which I now use to help others become better writers.-Ced
  8. I used to use the friends system for communicating with BZPers that I talked with often. Alas, most of them are no longer active. So now its used mostly to keep in contact with epic critics - which is useful.-Ced
  9. Thank you two for looking over this. I wanted to let the both of you know that I've decided to turn this into an epic, actually. No idea when it'll show up here, but it's something I know I'll enjoy writing.-Ced As a short story, I completely agree, it's structured all wrong. I put it here in SS because placing a single chapter of what feels like an epic (without originally intending to write more) just felt wrong. I think once I write this out further, and edit some of this section, it'll take on that darker tone you were looking for and give a better sense of Adrinor's motives. You also referred to the main character as a her, forcing me to realize that I never designated Adrinor with a gender. I'll have to fix that as well. Thanks for reading! Y'know, you mentioned the lack of "story and substance" during the reign of the League, and that was the initial inspiration for this. I've always been curious about that time as well, and this seemed like an interesting way to play with a bit of that. I'll agree that Adrinor could use a better transition in his views, and I'll have to work on that. Glad I painted a colorful picture for you though, and I suppose I was a pretty thorough editor too. I can't say when this will arrive in the epic sub-forum, but I'll let you know when it does. Thanks for reading!
  10. Okay, I guess this one is mine. Expect a review sometime in the next 24 hours.-CedA review from the guy in charge? AHH! I have to clean the house first.*runs off to grab a sword, multiple rat traps, and a few flamethrowers*Heh, never gotten that reaction before. XD Anyway, enjoy your review. And thanks for coming to the ECC.-Ced
  11. Hello Kal Grochi, here is your official ECC review. As a first note, it probably wouldn't hurt to have a link leading from your epic to your review topic. Just a thought. Anyway, before I dive into the story you're weaving, I should address the grammatical and spelling issues. My best guess is that you were trying to say 'I should probably get there fast,' but I wasn't entirely sure. Doctor is only capitalized when you're referring to the specific doctor. As in, Doctor Kal Grochi. As opposed to, Kal Grochi used to be the doctor in [insert town here]. It would help the flow here if you dropped the ellipsis and started a new sentence. You seem to make a habit of using an ellipsis when a comma is the right tool for the job. This was the second issue I stumbled upon. You tend to use commas where no pause is necessary. You're interrupting your flow.If you're concerned enough, I noticed multiple instances where you failed to capitalized Matoran, Toa, and Turaga. A quick Ctrl+F scan of your chapters should help you ensure it doesn't happen. You just said that a few lines prior, coming from Grantuur. Maybe try a different phrase? hyped-up I'll let you Akilini is a proper noun. ThereforeGetting to the story behind your words now, I found that your review topic responses filled me in on the location. Aki-Nui. That should be addressed in your epic somewhere. It feels like a lot of islands with a standard formula - a Turaga (or several) with Matoran fulfilling their daily tasks. Of course, these stories often tend to become an adventure of some kind, and the Toa Stones serve the purpose of turning a couple regular Matoran into daring, brazen Toa.Their transformation brought Legends of Metru Nui to the forefront of my mind as I read it, able to visualize the scene from that movie, only with Grantuur and Dendron in their place. It left me a little disappointed that their reactions weren't more awestruck, lacking a distinct level of surprise. Even Grantuur's first words following this (Well Dendron, it seems we're Toa!) fall short somehow.It'd be like a child suddenly finding himself standing twice as tall and merely remarking, "Well, it seems I'm an adult!" There's a notable shock missing there, don't you agree?Moving on, my next question came right in the opening of Chapter 1. How much time passed between the prologue and Chapter 1's beginning? Onuzek and Ryllia receive no real explanation as to why they're there, how long they've been Toa, or any back-story at all. You manage to completely ignore their history and continue moving forward, briefly discussing an initiative to leave for the Northern Continent. I was also curious why they're the Toa Iden, but I have a feeling it may be connected to more events that were leapt over between the prologue and Chapter 1 - a gap in storyline that desperately needs some clarification.You're willing to open the box with your writing though, and I must compliment that. For example, Ryllia and Grantuur are boyfriend and girlfriend in a universe that canonically has no such relationships, but it's interesting all the same. They're an odd couple for sure, but their dynamic certainly has time to change as the story goes on.And just as I was finishing up, I noticed 'recalcitrant.' Now there's a word I don't run across often, but it is absolutely appropriate in its usage here.Overall, you have a few points that need working on, but this ship isn't going to sink on you. Take your time as you edit, and make sure your dialogue is smooth and not contrived. If you must, read it aloud to yourself. Keep at it, Kal Grochi.
  12. Okay, I guess this one is mine. Expect a review sometime in the next 24 hours.-Ced
  13. Nothing says "staying busy" like procrastination.

  14. There are inner circles all over the separate sub-forums. I don't make a point of trying to see what's going on with all of them, or most of them for that matter. My time here has become pretty constrained to the Library, and while its not as busy as it once was, it's enough for me.-Ced
  15. I have ECC critic Aderia: Toa of Ducklings assigned to your work. And while your epic is a bit extensive, I can promise her critique will include some pointers on improving your "creative writing skills." That's why we're here, after all...-Ced
  16. If the ECC were a busier place, I think I'd request that asking for another review come after a certain number of additional chapters have been posted. As you can see from this topic though, we are far from busy. I'm next on the critiquing cycle, and I'd be happy to read your epic. And then, once you've posted a bit more of your story, I'm sure one of the other critics will have a look at it (with a second opinion as well). -Ced
  17. And thank you for coming to the ECC, Voxumo. I have critic Hahli Historian assigned to your epic, so expect a review any day now.-Ced
  18. Yeah, sure, I can do $25. PM me your info again so I can get it sent out, and I'll give you a shipping price later today.-Ced
  19. After very successfully selling off a good portion of my Bionicle items, I have a few things remaining. As with my last topic, this is not a trade topic. I am only looking to profit monetarily from my Bionicle items.About Purchasing: The buyer must pay for shipping fees, and items will be shipped once payment is received. I will accept payment through a money order or Paypal.So here's what's left.Book Guides + ComicsThe Official Guide to Bionicle - $3Bionicle Metru Nui Guide - $3Bionicle Rahi Guide - $3Bionicle Dark Hunters Guide - $3Bionicle World Guide - $3Feel free to voice any questions, comments, or concerns. Or PM me if need be.-Ced
  20. The epic version, Cenotaphs has been posted. You can go check it out if you're interested. This is an idea I have been toying around with for a while, and it may even be expanded to become an epic at some point. Anyway, enjoy. My name is Adrinor and I was born in the universe of the Great Spirit, Mata Nui. This place has been my home for thousands of years now, living and working among my fellow biomechs. I can assure you, there's nothing special about me. I wasn't gifted with elemental power, enhanced with immeasurable strength, or granted mental functions beyond what most others possess. For all intents and purposes, I am ordinary. In the early days of my life, the universe functioned without order. It was common knowledge that Mata Nui presided over every land, silently, invisibly watching us. Those who might dare to break his laws had to be captured and sentenced by their brethren. Some took it upon themselves to uphold the law, and while Toa were the Great Spirit's chosen guardians, there were others who believed Toa were ineffective. There were those who would kill for Mata Nui, to rid our universe of undesirables. This system remained relatively effective for some time, until our maker implemented a change. Mata Nui eventually decided to allow a half dozen biomechs to maintain order in his universe. Kalmah, Carapar, Takadox, Ehlek, Mantax, and Pridak were chosen for the task, but interpreted it for themselves. The peaceful era of their rule was short-lived, and they quickly began to conquer Mata Nui's many realms and divide the lands separately. Our protectors had become warlords, Barraki, that valued nothing but conquest and power. In time, the Barraki came together and formed the League of Six Kingdoms - an event so long ago, I can hardly remember it. So instead, I'd like to tell you something still fresh in my mind. It began on a sunny morning, nearly fourteen thousand years after the League's inception. This is the story of my pursuit of a dream and the price some of us pay for our freedom. <<<>>> The skies above the Southern Continent were alive with fiery streaks of orange and glints of cherry red when I awoke in my cabin. As I stared up at the ceiling, I mentally prepared myself for the day ahead. I was a dreamer, and to be honest, I always have been. Resigning myself to an existence of expected monotony was not my ideal life, but it was modest work. Sitting upright in my bed, I tossed off the covers and unlocked the door to the cabin. Taking a glance at myself in the mirror on the far wall, I smiled at the reflection. As a male Meldin, I had a Toa-like frame, though my body armor (colored crimson and ivory) was thinner. I also lacked elemental powers. Grabbing a few tools from my worktable, I walked out the door and immediately found myself at work. Before me was a vast expanse of fields and the faint stench of unclean Rahi - Mahi to be specific. The Torema Mahi Ranch supplied materials for making tools to crafters as far as Xia, and the occasional visit from far-flung lands like Nynrah. There were many grievances with the fact that the League of Six Kingdoms presently ran much of the world, but their armies needed weapons, and we had the supplies. I didn't concern myself with how they were used, but I always hoped to fashion a weapon of my own from Mahi horn. The horns never made weaponry of the same caliber as protosteel or anything, but most of our clientele had no intention of shredding through super-reinforced armor. A familiar Rahi came bounding up to me, barking like crazy. One of Torema's Hapaka, Boomer, had taken a liking to me. The creature received its nickname from its ability to command the Mahi herds with a more booming sound than the other Hapaka on the ranch. I bent down to pet Boomer a few times on the head before continuing on my journey to the Mahi pens, closely trailed by the eager Rahi. A slight breeze whistled its way into the ranch, headed south from the village of Kinatra, a tiny town that could get quieter than a Knowledge Tower. Living in the southwest part of the Southern Continent, however, meant life was often tranquil. It was a guaranteed peace, which only served to disappoint me. Most biomechs knew Barraki Takadox's forces controlled this region, but Kinatra and the ranch were of little importance to them. Unlike some of his fellow warlords, Takadox would not settle for second-rate material in a sword. Marching down the hillside to the Mahi pens, I unlocked and opened each gate, releasing the Rahi corralled inside. Boomer barked as the Mahi filed out, as if ordering them to move faster. The idea of rushing these creatures toward another day of tedium almost seemed vindictive, but I wasn't about to stand in the way of Boomer's enthusiasm. Staring straight up, the bright yellow and orange shades of sunrise were giving way to the ordinary cool blue of the atmosphere. Deciding I ought to pay Torema a morning visit, I headed off for his office. Boomer started to follow, but a quick snap of my fingers was the indicator he translated as "stay." I kicked a small rock along the dirt path leading up to Torema's main office, trying to keep the stone ahead of myself. I could see a few customers through the window by the front desk, and Torema was smiling happily at them. Torema was a Po-Matoran, armored in yellow with a sun-faded, gray Kanohi Pakari. I decided to enter through the storage room in the back, unlocking the door and stepping inside. The split second after, I heard the front door slam shut. Catching me by surprise, I quietly pulled the storage room door closed and crept forward. The storage room had a musty odor to it, but I stayed as silent as possible, anxious to hear the conversation in the next room. "What can I do for you?" I heard Torema ask. There was a short pause, and then I heard the distinct sound of weapons being cocked. There were maybe four or five, I couldn't be certain. Those sounds were followed by a few footsteps approaching the desk. "There's an awful lot of Mahi out in those fields," a rough voice breathed. It was a male voice, and one that, despite its coarseness, sounded rather sophisticated. "Two horns to every head, if I'm not mistaken." I could imagine him smiling menacingly as he spoke. "It doesn't take a scholar to see that you're making a decent amount of money off of those Rahi." "I can assure you," Torema began, his tone more shaky and nervous now, "the treatment of all Rahi at my ranch is entirely ethical and"- The biomechs burst out laughing, somehow hysterical over Torema's remark. They then began exchanging small jokes with one another that mocked my employer. I couldn't make out any of their remarks over the constant laughter, but I caught Torema awkwardly laughing with them for a moment. Their laughter died down, but it was easy to tell they savored the humor in Torema's comment. The rough voiced biomech hurled an object over the counter at Torema. Whatever it was, it barely made a sound when it landed on the floor. "The world has too few funny characters, sir. You start filling that bag with money, and I'll make sure you live to make someone else laugh." I froze immediately. There was a roving gang of thieves on the other side of the wall, holding my boss at gunpoint. My eyes darted to the corner, where Torema's laser rifle sat. I had never seen him use the weapon, and the cobwebs and dust surrounding the object suggested no one else had either. Regaining control of my body, I tiptoed to the rifle and silently made my way out the back door. I lifted a small bag of laser shell ammunition off the barrel and tied it around my left hip's armor. Pulling back on the loading mechanism, I could hear the barrel charging a shot of laser energy. I ran out past the front door to the office, heading for a far hill that overlooked the building. I then trained the rifle scope on the front door and held my position. There was no telling how fast these criminals were, or how fine of a shot they could be. The biomech I heard certainly sounded like he was accustomed to demanding money from innocent businesses. If he truly had an expertise in robberies, there was little doubt in my mind that his marksmanship was lacking. Otherwise, he'd probably be dead already. It was hard to tell how long I stood like a statue on the hill, waiting for the door to open. Minutes passed like hours, working at my nerves. I tried my best to hold the rifle steady, maintaining my sight on the door. After a long eternity, the door was flung open. My arm locked up and I watched four biomechs step outside. I thought I could catch them by surprise, but one of the criminals caught sight of me and instantly drew his weapon in my direction. Through my scope, I could see it was a lightning rifle he was holding out at me. He hadn't bothered to line up his eye with the iron sight, which meant he didn't intend to make a direct hit, or he was very confident of a direct hit. His onyx and topaz armor gleamed brilliantly in the morning light, and my scope could see the violet of his eyes. There was roughly thirty bio of distance between us, and two more thieves trained their weapons on me. The one carrying a burlap sack (which I assumed was full of money), started toward the hill where I stood. Clad in thick armor of ruby and obsidian, his lime green eyes made an attempt to study me briefly. At the same time, I had a chance to study him. He was from Nohtal, apparent from the faint trail of shadow surrounding his left arm and wrapping around his gunblade. Nohtalians were difficult to discern from heavily-armored Toa physically, but only Nohtalians had access to shadow energies. He made no attempt to draw the weapon on me, grinning as he approached. "I'll shoot if I have to!" I shouted with a notable lack of confidence. "So will we!" one of the criminals yelled back. His armor was a mixture of midnight blue and emerald, but I could tell it was entirely part of his form. He was slightly taller than myself, with a pair of garnet eyes on each side of his head. I had heard of his species, known as Dectraz. His clawed hands were sharp, and his mouth was surrounded by four mandibles. Examining his insectoid form was like staring down a giant bug - a rather disturbing sight, even without his gun being pointed at me. The Nohtalian carrying the burlap sack motioned for his allies to lower their weapons before turning his attention back to me. "That's quite a laser rifle you have there," he said, still coming closer. "Doesn't look like it gets out much though." His charming demeanor suddenly turned into a dark glare. "So if you're going to shoot me, you better shut your mouth and just do it." Both the Nohtalian and I knew I wouldn't pull the trigger. I had never harmed another biomech in my life. Before I could realize what was happening, the Nohtalian tugged the rifle from my grip and set it in the grass. His smile returned and he extended a hand. "You made a wise decision to stay your hand. What's your name?" My hands were shaking both from anxiety and anger. "Why should I tell a piraka anything?" The Nohtalian leaned forward and whispered, "Because my friends can take your head off in an instant if I tell them to. And your weapon is on the ground. Now, I'll ask you again. What's your name?" "Adrinor," I muttered, loathingly accepting his handshake. The Nohtalian shook his head. "You're an awfully stubborn type, Adrinor. If you hope to keep an honest job, and eventually be promoted, I'd recommend you be a little more flexible. Words of wisdom, from one hard-working biomech to another." He looked over his shoulder. "Let's get going. You're keeping my friend Adrinor from getting his job done." "We're friends now, huh?" I said sarcastically. The Nohtalian smiled. "Unless you point that rifle in my face again, yeah. You have a good day, Adrinor. Remember what I told you." The Nohtalian and his fellow criminals strolled by me, walking over the hill toward some Kikanalo tied to the entrance gate. Wondering where they might have stolen the Rahi mounts from, I could see Torema peeking out from his office window. I had failed him, and allowed those thieves to make off with his money. At the same time, though, I didn't have it in me to fire on them. Torema's Mahi Ranch was an honest job, but the dreamer in me envied the thieves. They were free to wander and take as they pleased. A part of me had always wanted that life. As I stared down at the dusty rifle, I had a choice to make. I could head down the hill, speak with Torema, and get back to work. Or I could run away. The piraka led lives of adventure at the risk of losing their lives. They operated on a side of the law I had never dared to consider following, until this moment. I had always been a dreamer, and I knew that part of me would regret it forever if I didn't take this chance. I grabbed the rifle and ran toward the biomechs holding Torema's money. The same one that spotted me earlier managed to catch me again, lining up his lightning rifle straight away. "What'd I say about pointing that gun at me?" the Nohtalian hollered, dropping the burlap sack. My eyes went wide with fear as I realized the rifle was pointed directly at the criminals. I dropped it at once and stopped dead in my tracks. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Don't shoot!" Each of the thieves flinched when I dropped the rifle, as if waiting for it to accidentally go off. The Nohtalian narrowed his eyes on me and growled, "You came back for the money, right?" I stood still, unable to speak at first. My mind could hardly form into words the reason I had come after them. "Adrinor," The Nohtalian addressed me sternly. "I asked you a question." "I..." "Just let me shoot him," the piraka who first spotted me suggested. A cold smile came over his face after the Nohtalian whispered something back. "I want to come with you." I couldn't believe I said it. The Nohtalian smirked, but his friend disdainfully lowered his rifle. "Is that right?" "Yes," I nodded. "I want to come with you." "We aren't accepting new hires right now," the Nohtalian chuckled. "But maybe I can make an exception." He glanced at the others, each grinning in return. He then looked me in the eyes, beckoning me forward. "Bring that rifle with you, but keep the barrel pointed at the sky." I did as instructed, holding the rifle against my chest armor and tilting the barrel up. Carefully marching toward the group, I handed over the weapon to the Nohtalian. He looked it over, brushing some of the dust away before discharging the loaded laser shell. He then returned it to me and stared into my eyes. "So, why did you leave your last job?" the Nohtalian asked. I paused. "...What?" "Your last job," the Nohtalian repeated. "You were a Mahi herder, right?" The other piraka were holding back their laughter at this point. "Um...well...I..."- "Freedom," the Nohtalian whispered. "Excuse me?" "You heard me," he nodded slowly. "Freedom. I can see it in your eyes, how badly you want to be released from this place. I've met a lot of biomechs over the years, but the intensity of your desire to be free from a normal life is a rarity. I pride myself on the ability to read others well, so I know what I'm talking about. You're looking for freedom." "Yeah, you're right," I admitted. "I want to see the world, and I want to call the shots." "Well I don't know about calling the shots," the Nohtalian replied, "but there are some beautiful places out there. Still, you're available to relocate." He looked at his Dectraz friend. "That's good for a job application, right?" "You're asking me?" he said in surprise. "I haven't applied for a job in over 10,000 years." "Okay, fair enough," the Nohtalian shrugged his shoulders, looking back at me. "What experience do you have as a...what did you call me? Oh...that's right. A piraka. What experience do you have as a piraka?" He placed an open hand next to his mouth and whispered with a grin, "If you've never killed anyone or stolen anything, just say 'none.'" "None," I replied awkwardly. The Nohtalian shook his head and sighed. "Then why should I hire you?" "I'm a hard worker, a quick learner, and I'm a decent shot with a rifle." I was picking up on his game. "Good answer," the Nohtalian said, clapping a hand against his weapon a few times. "Now, I've got one more question for you. What is more important in a job: money or work?" "It's always nice to have money, but if your heartlight isn't in your work, it's not worth the money." The Nohtalian smiled. "All right then. I'd like to offer you a position with my team, Adrinor. Before you accept, I should warn you that disloyalty will not be tolerated. You can call us piraka or anything you want, but we look out for one another. It's one of the few laws in our otherwise lawless lives." "I understand and I accept." The notion of joining these criminals seemed absurd, but this was secretly the chance I had been hoping for. I was no murderer, true, but there was an entire world out there. I had to see it. Without warning, the bitter piraka with the lightning rifle elevated his weapon and fired a single shot over my shoulder. As I observed the trail of dark energy on the rifle, I knew he was a Nohtalian as well. I whirled around and watched Torema drop an energy pistol to the ground. "No!" I screamed instinctively, running to the Matoran's side. Judging from the clean shot to his heartlight, I knew he was dead before he hit the dirt. Seeing the Po-Matoran body in the grass reminded me of how dangerous these individuals were, and what I had just agreed to join. "Why did you come out here?" I whispered, looking down at Torema's mask. "No Matoran survives a shot like that," the Nohtalian told me. The female in the group playfully shoved Torema's killer in the shoulder. "I think you just shot our new friend's job reference." I almost thought she might've been a Toa, but upon closer inspection, her frost white head was merely the shape of a Mask of Possibilities. The snowy texture made up parts of her armor as well, while other plates were a royal purple. There was only one species that had a head in her shape, and they hailed from Trelbin. Appropriately, they were named Trelbans. "We'll have to take him at his word then," the second Nohtalian growled, putting his weapon on his back. He glanced at me. "Your name's Adrinor?" "Yeah," I said with a glare, attaching my rifle to my back as well. "And that Matoran was Torema. He was a good biomech and a hard worker." "No one said he wasn't," the Nohtalian replied with a smirk. "I was more interested in doing a hiring procedure of my own. I could've disarmed that little Matoran without hurting him a bit, but you needed to be tested. You're asking to live a selfish dream, Adrinor, and I don't think there's any shame in that. If you can't do it though, you better get a shovel and start digging that Po-Matoran's grave. What's it going to be?" I glanced over my shoulder at Torema's corpse, trying to ignore my guilt. It was a silent moment and a chance to really think about the situation. Torema deserved a better end and a longer life, but asking to join this gang was my choice and left me responsible for his fate. It was a moment of impressionable foolishness - one I couldn't take back. "I'm going," I breathed. "Then it's settled," the first Nohtalian said. "I suppose we ought to introduce ourselves as well. My name is Rovaius." "I'm Stalgrax," the Nohtalian who killed Torema added flatly. I glanced at the Dectraz and he spoke a single word. "Trylac." He didn't appear irritated or anxious, so I assumed he just wasn't much of a talker. "I'm Elendra," the female member said, climbing onto her Kikanalo. "And in case you have any curiosities about why a female is roaming around with these biomechs, bear in mind that I've earned my position here. But soon enough, so will you." She motioned me forward and narrowed her eyes. "Get on." I started for the Kikanalo, watching the piraka do the same. I was with them now, but I wasn't one of them. Not yet anyway. I turned to face Rovaius and tilted my head. "Where are we going?" "Doesn't matter much," Rovaius replied, disregarding the question. "What you learn on the way will be far more beneficial anyway." With that ominous response, I rode off with the outlaws. I knew other employees at the ranch would be showing up soon to begin tending to daily tasks, and one of them would surely stumble upon my previous employer's corpse. I had paid Torema my silent apology, and I knew I couldn't stay any longer. I had adopted a new life, and as the Kikanalo dashed further from the Po-Matoran, from Kinatra, from my little cabin, and from the whole of the ranch, the gravity of my situation finally struck me. The world I was leaving behind suddenly felt more important than ever before, because I knew it was gone. I had ample opportunity to leap from the Kikanalo and hurry back to the ranch, explain Torema's death, and return to the job I had chosen so long ago. When I first left Meldio and came to the Southern Continent, I was excited about my new home, despite it falling short of what I really wanted. Only now was I really beginning to fulfill my life's dream. And yet, as energized as I felt, I was restraining a sickening feeling about how it all might conclude.
  21. That's fine by me. Considering Hahli Historian reviewed it last time, I'll have another one of the critics take a look at it, to give you a second opinion. =)-Ced
  22. Welcome back, Alt. D. Enjoy your review, and as always, thanks for choosing the ECC.-Ced
  23. Hello again, Alt. D, here is your official ECC review. As fate would have it, the ECC rotation put me in charge of reviewing another one of your epics. Funny how that works, huh? Anyway, I've been away from home for a few days, which is why it took me longer than usual to review this for you. So without any further delays, let's get to it.A couple things to start. First, you split a single chapter into three posts. You know you can just edit the first post if you want to add extra writing, right? Second, looking at the multitude of little errors I came across, I'm going to assume you still don't have MS Word or something of the sort. If you don't want to drop the money on it, I highly recommend you proofread your work very, very carefully.Regarding the actual chapter, I'm getting a lot of telling, not much showing. This feels suspiciously like a prologue more than anything, almost like the first chapter hasn't really begun. If done right, your three posts of exposition could become their own story. Something to think about. Getting back to the point, you've created a large playing field for your "Gunsmiths" to roam and play in, and that's a good thing. Nothing worse than a writer feeling boxed in with their work.Because only a few months have passed since I last reviewed a piece of your work, I find myself being drawn to say a lot of the things I brought up about Mass Destruction, in terms of your writing abilities and where you need improvement. But of course, I'm not here to reiterate. If you're curious, follow this link to have a glance at what I told you. Unfortunately, there isn't enough in this new epic yet to properly judge if you are improving. The ECC doesn't receive many requests, and we would be more than happy to review this again when you have more written.For the time being, reread your work (aloud if you have to) to catch those little issues. I also recommend reading other works, both here on the forums and in libraries. Like a musician, a writer can learn a great deal from the work of others. Good luck, Alt. D.-Ced
  24. I don't think I'd still be here if I thought of BZP as a chore. There's always a sense of curiosity when I enter the forums, and that sometimes comes with disappointment when I discover nothing is really happening in the forum sections I tend to frequent. I enter this site because I have a genuine interest in it, not because it feels like a requirement or necessity. I like to stay current with world events, and reading through that kind of news can feel like a chore at times. BZP is more like checking in with friends to see what's going on.-Ced
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