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-Toa Lhikevikk-

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  3. -Toa Lhikevikk-
    Maybe you've heard the rumors. 
    Or maybe you've heard the lies "they" want you to believe.
     
    This project is here to bring you the truth.
     
    But remember, every step you take, every move you make, "they" will be watching you...
     
     
     
    THE V FILES: A SPOOF OF CONSPIRACY THEORIES EVERYWHERE!
     
    "But... WTH is it?"
     
    Project V is a fake conspiracy theory. The project is supposed to give proof that space aliens are trying to take over the world and that some of them are already among us. However, it is only for laughs, please do not take it seriously. Anyone accused of being an alien or covering up for them isn't really like that. (As far as we know...)
     
    But it is also an RHG. (Do not confuse with RPG!) Each installment will have one clue/puzzle. You may not post what it is or how to solve it, that you may PM to me. All the clues, but together, explain the answer. (If we only knew the question...)
     
    (If you don't know what RHG means, it means Red Herring Game. Examples includes Rampage Of A Rabbit, by Bioran23; A Change Of Space, by Moutekea; The Keys, by Tomana; and, to some extent, the Disc Collection Fad. And don't roleplay. RHG=/=RPG.)
     
    INTRODUCTION:
    You walk into an old apartment building and go up to the top floor. You ring the doorbell of an apartment, whose window you had seen while outside. It looked like no one had been there in years. The door creaks open, but still chained, with a strange-looking fellow peering out. He wears a brown overcoat with an upturned collar, a hat with the brim tipped downward, and sunglasses.
     
    PARANOID WEIRDO: Who are you? Why are you here? Speak, stranger!
     
    YOU: I'm, uh, here about that newspaper ad... the one that only had your address and a large V?
     
    PARANOID WEIRDO: Hmm... I'll let you in. But I can't say I trust you. Yet.
     
    The paranoid weirdo unchains the door and you enter. The place is decrepit, with cracks and cobwebs all over.
     
    YOU: So you... live here?
     
    PARANOID WEIRDO: You don't need to know that. What you do need to know is this.
     
    He walks to his desk (far from any windows) and opens a drawer. After shuffling through several files, he pulls out a folder and gives it to you. You read it. It has several pages on UFOs, as well as a few newspaper clippings. But the last paper surprises you. It is a signup sheet for some kind of alien-investigating team.
     
    PARANOID WEIRDO: So. Are you willing to join the V-Team?
     
    YOU: Yes, I believe I will. One question, though... what's your name?
     
    PARANOID WEIRDO: White. Matthew White.
     
    You fill in the form and are given some briefing on your mission, as well as an outfit that matches White's, and a briefcase. You leave, now a spy for... Planet Earth.
     
    So... like the whole concept? It's been in my head for a while, but now I have a blog and can put it into action. 8D
     
    If you want to join the V-Team, comment here and fill out your signup sheet:
     
    BZP name:
    Human name: [first name and last initial; you can use your real one but you don't have to]
    Gender:
    Skin color:
    Eye color:
    Hair color:
    Toenail color: [very important!]
    Specialties:
    Favorite brand of deodorant: [very important!]
     
    May the Farce be with you...
     
    EDIT: bumped for importance (no one wants to join? )
  4. -Toa Lhikevikk-

    Tintin Name Fad

    By -Toa Lhikevikk-,

    Considering I change my name in a week, would a fellow POBZPC be willing to change their name to either Thomson or Thompson, and I'll change my name to whichever you didn't choose?
     
    We'd have nigh-identical banners and avs, too.
  5. -Toa Lhikevikk-
    Welcome aboard the Midnight Train to Nowhere. We will begin by departing from Accra, Ghana; traveling towards Cape Three Points and from there capsizing into the ocean until we reach the lovely little town of Nowhere. Nowhere is located at 0 latitude, 0 longitude and 0 altitude. It also has a population of zero.
     
    As this is a midnight train, we will leave Accra at 12:00 AM at a speed of 570 kilometres per hour. We will then screech to a halt at 12:01 AM and remain there until the next midnight. (This train only travels at midnight. Not 12:01 AM or 12:02 AM. Midnight.) This will continue for several days until we get to Nowhere.
     
    Enjoy your trip!
     
    DISCLAIMER: We will not be responsible for the disappearance of the drivers, mysterious knocking noises or weird ladies repeatng your every word. Be warned that your fellow passengers might be paranoid enough to try and throw you off the train.
  8. -Toa Lhikevikk-
    Months ago, in our previous duel, Harrison Ford shot himself Han Solo shot Indiana Jones out of the saloon!
     
    But no duel could ever compare to this next one. It's so big, it barely fits in the solar system, let alone a saloon!
     
    First up, we have the Makuta, alternatively known as... EVERYTHING!
     

     
    On the other side of the battle, we have the Master, alternatively known as... EVERYONE!
     

     
    Who will win? YOU DECIDE! VOTE NOW! VOTE NOW! VOTE NOW!
  12. -Toa Lhikevikk-

    Mind Games

    By -Toa Lhikevikk-,

    http://www.bzpower.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=329560
     
    ALSO...
     
    Whoever said that classic Doctor Who isn't scary obviously hasn't seen The Ultimate Foe.
     
    [gets dragged into the ground by disembodied hands]
     
    HELP ME! D:
  13. -Toa Lhikevikk-
    this spoof is longer than longcat so be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarned
     
    1:13 AM (London time), Jan. 1st, 2005...
     
    Doctor: Help! I'm crashing! WHATDOIDOWHATDOIDO oh right i'll send my tardis on an engine-straining trip to 1996 that's the perfect idea
     
    Meanwhile, in June 1996... (no I don't know how that works)
     
    Amelia: Dear Santa, please send some weirdo in a blue box to repair this crack in my wall. Or you could send a normal repairman, but those are boring.
     
    CRASH
     
    Amelia: That was quick. [goes out to check]
     
    Doctor: Hi, I'm a complete stranger in a soaking-wet, torn suit that randomly appeared in your yard. Are you one of those paranoids who don't let people like me into your house?
     
    Amelia: Nope, you can come in.
     
    Doctor: Kay then.
     
    (A couple bad experiences with the food the Doctor thought he liked later...)
     
    Doctor: Mmm, fish custard. Anyway, weird guy appears on your lawn, you let him in, you actually cook for him... how old are you?
     
    Amelia: Seven. You?
     
    Doctor: Nine hundred and... something. I've been nine hundred something for several centuries now. Where are your parents? They're obviously pretty negligent if they leave you alone at night and let you do all these things.
     
    Amelia: I don't have parents. Just an aunt.
     
    Doctor: I don't even have an aunt. This Russel T. Davies fellow came and blew up my planet... anyway, fish custard is good.
     
    Amelia: Hey, since you're a doctor who lives in a police box, are you good at fixing cracks? I've got one in my wall and it's creeping me out.
     
    Doctor: Cracks in the wall scare you but weirdos who pop up in your yard and eat fish custard don't? Um, okay.
     
    (In Amelia's bedroom)
     
    Amelia: So this is the crack.
     
    Doctor: [stares at the boring-looking crack for a while] Hmm. The crack isn't in the wall, sorry. It's in SPACETIME ITSELF. Yes, the all-caps is necessary. How it sticks to a wall on a planet moving through space at 107,200 kilometres an hour is beyond me, but that's besides the point.
     
    Voice from the crack: PRISONER ZERO HAS ESCAPED.
     
    Doctor: Hi, you sound important, mind telling us what's going on?
     
    Voice from the crack: PRISONER ZERO HAS ESCAPED.
     
    Doctor: Obviously, we're not getting any info from him... but we can deduce that this is a portal to some sort of space prison. Why they would number a prisoner as zero, I have no idea.
     
    Amelia: Can you close it?
     
    Doctor: I can make it bigger! [uses sonic screwdriver to make it bigger]
     
    Ameila: Wow, THAT helps!
     
    Doctor: Anyway, it'll close soon after this, so yeah, problem solved.
     
    Giant eyeball inside crack: [zaps the Doctor's pocket]
     
    Doctor: Oi, you erased my-- well whatever it was it never existed at all anymore so it doesn't matter. [pulls out psychic paper] Hmm. It says "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU'RE TOO CLOSE."
     
    Amelia: Other side?
     
    Doctor: "PRISONER ZERO HAS ESCAPED." Uh-huh... you already told us that, you know.
     
    Eyeball: [leaves as crack closes]
     
    Doctor: Okay, problem solved. Then again... this Prisoner Zero fellow must be hiding in your house, so you'd better evacuate and buy insurance, I hear they pay triple if your house is destroyed by aliens. And that invisible door over there looks suspicious, better keep an eye on it.
     
    Amelia: I don't see any invisible door.
     
    Doctor: That's basically the whole point of it being invisible, you know...
     
    Amelia: Since all this alien stuff is cool but confusing, can I come on board your TARDIS and travel through time and fly around the universe and fix cracks and see invisible doors like you do?
     
    Doctor: Sure, but it wants to explode right now, so I'll just hop five minutes into the future to restabilize it. You pack your things and dress warmly and then we can go get chased by aliens. Sound good?
     
    Amelia: Do you have to leave?
     
    Doctor: Yeah, but I'll be back in five minutes. Maybe a little bit longer... bye! [goes back to the TARDIS and leaves]
     
    Amelia: I've never paid attention to long five minutes is... eh, he probably knows how long it is.
     
    (Five minutes later... and by that I mean twelve years...)
     
    Doctor: Oh dear, it's daytime now. I think I might have miscalculated the length my trip... [gets whacked in the back of the head]
     
    (Twelve years later... and by that I mean five minutes...)
     
    Doctor: Hello? Where am I? This looks like Amelia's house... hey, who handcuffed me to the radiator?
     
    Police woman: Who are you and why were you trespassing the premises?
     
    Doctor: Well, five minutes ago -- which was apparently last night, I met a young girl named Amelia Pond who fed me fish custard and had me fix a crack in her wall. Then she asked if she could travel through time and space with me in my big blue box and I said yes, but after I jumped five minutes foward in time so it wouldn't explode. And then I got hit in the back of the head. And that's it.
     
    Police woman: Amelia Pond doesn't live here anymore. She hasn't for six months.
     
    Doctor: By that you mean 12.5 seconds, right?
     
    Police woman:
     
    Doctor: Then whose house is this?
     
    Police woman: Mine.
     
    Doctor: How many rooms on this floor?
     
    Police woman: Are you an insurance guy?
     
    Doctor: No, but I used to sell planet insurance from-- ah, long story. But seriously, how many?
     
    Police woman: Five.
     
    Doctor: Wrong. It's six. Definitely six. Didn't Amelia tell you about the invisible door?
     
    Police woman: What? I'll prove it to you, there are no invisible doors here and there are... hang on. [goes to feel the wall] A doorknob? I can feel it but can't see it...
     
    Doctor: DON'T OPEN IT! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR! (Also you're the only one who can get me out of these handcuffs.)
     
    Police woman: [opens] Oh, cool, an extra room. With a sonic screwdriver in it. [picks it up] And... A FISH/SERPENT THING WITH NINE-INCH-LONG FANGS AAAAAAAAAH [runs out]
     
    Doctor: [shrugs] I told you to keep the fish custard refrigerated. [takes screwdriver]
     
    Guy with a dog: Woof.
     
    Police woman: How'd he get in?
     
    Doctor: Through the invisible door, duh. Now why won't my screwdriver-- oh look, it has THREE settings!
     
    Guy with a dog: Woof.
     
    Doctor: Listen, I'm a police woman and she's this alien guy who-- no wait-- she's a police guy who-- SHE CALLED FOR THE REST OF THE POLICE FORCE THAT'S ALL THAT'S IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW SO GET OUT OR YOU'LL BE EXECUTED FOR SMUGGLING BIOLOGICAL NUKES-- no wait that's not for another 300 years.
     
    Police woman: But I'm not even a real police woman! [takes off hat] I'm a kissogram!
     
    Doctor: A what?
     
    Kissogram: I get paid to sneak up on people and kiss them. While dressed up as a police woman.
     
    Doctor: Wow, the economy sucks.
     
    Guy with a dog: Rawr.
     
    Doctor: Okay, time to panic.
     
    (Meanwhile, at the hospital...)
     
    Patients wearing gas masks: Mummy? Muuuuuuuuuummyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Are you my mummy?
     
    (No, the other hospital.)
     
    Comatose patients: Doctor? Doooooooooooooooooctooooooooooooooooor? Are you my doctor?
     
    (Back to the Doctor...)
     
    Doctor: Finally got out of this thing!
     
    Voice from outside: ATTENTION, PRISONER ZERO. THE HUMAN RESIDENCE IS SURROUNDED. PRISONER ZERO, PLEASE VACATE THE HUMAN RESIDENCE OR YOU WILL BE FORCIBLY EVICTED. AND REMEMBER KIDS, PAY YOUR TAXES OR WE WON'T HAVE TO DO THIS TO YOU.
     
    Guy with a dog: Meow.
     
    Doctor: Okay, let's run. [runs outside with the police woman to the TARDIS] It's locked to repair itself! WHATDOIDOWHAT-- oh wait that shed looks tasty [licks shed] WAAHT IT'S TWELVE YEARS OLD I THOUGHT I SMASHED THIS THING WHEN I CRASHED HERE I THOUGHT YOU SAID SIX MONTHS
     
    Kissogram: I thought YOU said five minutes!
     
    Doctor: You're Amelia?
     
    Amy: People call me Amy now. And you're that fish custard-eating weirdo who fixed the crack in my wall.
     
    Doctor: Twelve years ago? Really?
     
    Amy: Yep. Twelve years of being forced to see psychiatrists and apologize for biting them and trying to feed them fish custard.
     
    Doctor: Wait wait wait. I wander into a little girl's house, with a time portal in her bedroom, I leave for a few minutes and when I come back she's an adult who grew up with me as her imaginary friend... hasn't this happened before?
     
    Guy with a dog: Buh-gawk.
     
    Doctor: We'd better run for the street. That guy creeps me out. Then again, this is pretty much a normal day for me... [runs] Let's see... duck pond with no ducks... no weird guys with a dog... spaceships shaped like snowflakes with giant eyeballs attatched appearing in the sky... this place looks nice enough.
     
    Ice cream truck: La la lee la la lee lee la la la lee lee-- ATTENTION, PRISONER ZERO. YOU HAVE FOUR CHOICES. 1. YOU START PAYING YOUR TAXES AGAIN, AND WE'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE. 2. YOU SURRENDER YOURSELF TO US AND WE ARREST YOU. 3. WE DESTROY THIS PLANET TO MAKE ROOM FOR A HYPERSPACE BYPASS. 4. WE READ YOU SOME POETRY WE PLAGIARIZED FROM THE VOGONS. YOUR CHOICE, PRISONER ZERO, IF YOU REMAIN SILENT THE DEFAULT CHOICE IS NUMBER THREE.
     
    Ice cream man: What? Who hacked my radio?
     
    Doctor: It's the eyeball spaceships. They're called Atraxi. Basically they've broadcasting the same message on every wavelength, so every radio in the world is saying the same thing. That, way everyone notices [looks at everyone in the park] ...right?
     
    Everyone except the Doctor, Amy, and the ice cream man: [text text text]
     
    Doctor: Aliens are threatening to destroy the planet and all people can do is text each other? HELLO? THERE ARE SPACESHIPS WITH GIANT EYEBALLS IN THE SKY AND EVERYONE IS TOO BUSY TEXTING TO NOTICE?
     
    Everyone except... you know who already: [text text text]
     
    Amy: Let's go see my friend Jeff Angelo. He's an expert at computers and hacking and stuff. And downloading pirated Clangers episodes.
     
    [after a boring scene at Jeff's house I shall skip for the sake of your sanity]
     
    Amy: So, we're back at the park with the duck pond?
     
    Doctor: Yeah, the one with no ducks!
     
    Amy: What for?
     
    Doctor: Well, Jeff said the signal could be traced to approximately 1,087.284 Atraxi ships in orbit around the earth. So now we need to attract their attention and turn in Prisoner Zero. And everyone's still texting?
     
    Amy: Just--
     
    Doctor: Oh look, a guy with a nurse ID issued in 1990! You can't get one of those unless you're 16, making him at least 28 years old... even though he doesn't look that old. However, there's this fellow named Arthur Darvill who looks a lot like this nurse guy, and he's 27 or 28 right now. So contrary to popular belief, the ID tag is completely reasonable!
     
    Amy: What... what are you blabbering about? That guy? His name's Rory Williams. He's my "sort of" boyfriend, because, well, a 19-yr-old and a 28-yr-old have a bit of an age gap.
     
    Doctor: Hey, I dated a 140-yr-old when I was only 759. [shrug]
     
    Amy: Um...
     
    Doctor: Enough blabbering, let's go talk to him. [runs up to Rory]
     
    Rory: Huh? Wait... woah... it's the Doctor! The weird guy who you forced me to dress up as when we were kids!
     
    Doctor: You're nine years older than her, you know.
     
    Amy: Blah, no one cares about the details.
     
    Rory: Anyway, something weird is going on that I need to tell you about--
     
    Doctor: Yeah, the giant snowflake-eyeball things in the sky. We noticed.
     
    Rory: ...there are... huh? [looks up] You're right! Why hasn't anyone told me?
     
    Doctor: [facepalm]
     
    Rory: What was I talking about? Oh, right. I'm a nurse, I work at the hospital. I've got eight patients in coma. But I see them out here all the time!
     
    Doctor: Simple, they wake up from their coma, take a walk out here, fall back into a coma and return to the hospital.
     
    Rory: Are you even a real doctor?
     
    Doctor: Not really, I mostly save planets. Anyway, another theory could be that this Prisoner Zero fellow is a telepathic shapeshifter that... haven't I met one of those before?
     
    Rory: Listen, one of my patients is standing right there right now, maybe we should talk to him?
     
    Guy with a dog: Moo.
     
    Doctor: Oh look, it's this guy again. Apparently my second theory is correct.
     
    Guy with a dog: Woof.
     
    Doctor: Ah, you're back to the dog noise! Wonderful. Now, Prisoner Zero, if you would allow me to address you as such, I'm going to have to turn you in to the Atraxi. I don't want this planet destroyed, you know, I get too many laughs from it.
     
    Guy with a dog: Woof.
     
    Doctor: Well, if you won't cooperate, I'll have to signal them by blowing stuff up at random.
     
    Telephone booth:
     
    Street light:
     
    Fire truck:
     
    Nuclear missile flying overhead:
     
    Sonice screwdriver:
     
    Doctor: nuuuuuuuu dun do that it makes kitty cry
     
    Atraxi: PRISONER ZERO, YOU HAVE REFUSED TO CONTACT US, EVEN WHEN ASSURED OUR NUMDER IS TOLL-FREE. APPROPRIATE MEASURES SHALL BE TAKEN. THE PLANET COMMONLY KNOWN AS "EARTH" SHALL BE DESTROYED.
     
    Guy with a dog: Quack. [vanishes into a sewer]
     
    Doctor: Okay, great. The Atraxi are going to blow up the earth, so it should take about twenty minutes to charge their guns. Prisoner Zero has presumably retreated to the hospital. Rory, I need your phone, because now I have a plan.
     
    Amy: Quick question, by "twenty minutes," do you mean forty-eight years?
     
    Doctor: Ha ha ha... no. [takes phone] Now what was your friend's name again?
     
    Rory: Who, me? I'm Rory.
     
    Doctor: Not you, the good-looking one.
     
    Rory: Hey, I'm--
     
    Amy: Jeff!
     
    Rory: He's not that--
     
    Doctor: Kay then, gotta go! [darts off, then returns] Oh, and evacuate the hospital. Just say there's a shapeshifting telepath from another galaxy in there and he's very dangerous to the patients' health.
     
    Amy: Who's going to believe that?
     
    Doctor: There's a reason England has something called Universal Healthcare, you know... [darts off]
     
    Rory: Jeff isn't as good-looking as me--
     
    Amy: Not now, we need to catch a fish.
     
    (At Jeff's house)
     
    Doctor: [jumps in through window] Hi, I need the computer for a second, mind if I steal it?
     
    Jeff (thinking): Oh great, can't let him see me watching pirated Clangers episodes... [out loud] Just... hang on!
     
    Doctor: Haven't got time, it'll be quick. [grabs laptop]
     
    Jeff: Um...
     
    Doctor: [sees what Jeff is watching] Blimey... get a girlfriend, Jeff.
     
    Jeff: Well, heh heh.
     
    Doctor: Anyway, I'm here to hack a scientific convention!
     
    (A few minutes of hacking later...)
     
    Doctor: YO DAWGZ I HERD U LIEK SCIENTIFIC CONVENTIONS SO I'M HOLDING A SCIENTIFIC CONVENTION IN YOUR SCIENTIFIC CONVENTION SO WE CAN SCIENTIFICALLY CONVENE WHILE WE SCIENTIFICALLY CONVENE
     
    Sir Patrick Moore: Who in blazes are you?
     
    Doctor: An alien time travelling genius. Listen, we need to save the world right now, a bunch of snowflakes with eyeballs--
     
    Sir Patrick Moore: I'm sorry, but we can't just trust some noob in a torn shirt--
     
    Doctor: Oh, don't worry, I'm genuinely a genius. I found the real proof of Fermat's Theorem at the bottom of my sock drawer!
     
    Sir Patrick Moore: Ooh. NOW I'm interested!
     
    (At the hospital...)
     
    Rory: Everybody get out. There is a telepathic shapeshifting alien here who puts people in comas. Anyone in a coma must please evacuate in order to deny the alien any extra psionic power.
     
    Everyone in a coma: [does nothing]
     
    Woman with two children: Why hello, there!
     
    Rory: I'm sorry, m'am, but since you're not in a coma you'll have to stay here.
     
    Woman with two children: Yes, I am. My kids are in a coma, too! See? [points to three comatose patients who look exactly like them]
     
    Rory: Ah, well, if you three could convince your twin--
     
    Amy: RORY, YOU NOOB! IT'S PRISONER ZERO!
     
    Rory: OMG YOU'RE RIGHT WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE.
     
    Woman with two children: Aw, don't worry. We don't bite. [all three smile, showing their nine-inch long fangs]
     
    (Back at Jeff's house...)
     
    Doctor: And that's my plan to save the world and prank all those greedy swindlers at the same time.
     
    All the scientists: [clap clap clap]
     
    Doctor: Bye now, I need to run to the hospital to check up on Amy and Rory. Oh, and delete your internet history, even any computer genius can slip around that. Only works when dealing with amateurs, really. [runs off and jumps inside a fire truck]
     
    Fireman: Who are--
     
    Doctor: Not now, I need to catch a fish. [kicks fireman out of truck]
     
    Fire truck: Vroom. Vroom. Eeh ooh eeh ooh.
     
    (One short drive later, during which nothing happened except for a few police cars chasing him...)
     
    Doctor: And I'm arriving at the hospital! Might as well text Amy with the name to a random animal, like "duck," just because I feel like it.
     
    (In the hospital...)
     
    Rory: [hiding with Amy under a bed] Is she coming? Is she coming? Is she--
     
    Amy: No, but she will if you don't shut-- [loud ringtone plays] --up...
     
    Woman with two children: Coming to find you! Coming to find you, mummy!
     
    Amy: This better be important enough to risk my life for... [checks texts] The Doctor texted me the word "duck"? We're already ducking under--
     
    Doctor: [crashes into the side of the hospital] Well, that's what I get for texting while driving. [shrug]
     
    Woman with two children: Ah, hello, Doctor. I've been expecting you. The Atraxi are going to destroy this world in approximately three minutes and fourteen seconds. I'm not surrendering, they'll kill me anyway. Might as well kill everyone on this planet, for the fun of it. And I hate bring named "Woman with two children," "Prisoner Zero" is my offical title, you know.
     
    Doctor: You don't have to die. You can just open up another crack in SPACETIME ITSELF, and escape through. After all, you just cracked the fourth--
     
    Prisoner Zero: SSHH!
     
    Doctor: --like I almost just did. But really, why don't do just make a crack and hop through?
     
    Prisoner Zero: The cracks are not of my doing.
     
    Doctor: Then where do they come from?
     
    Prisoner Zero: Don't you know? Cracks are forming in the skin of the universe. The Pandica will open and silence will fall.
     
    Doctor: Why does everyone have to be so vague and mysterious about everything? "You are not alone!" "She is returning!" "He will knock four times!" WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST BE STRAIGHTFORWARD?
     
    Prisoner Zero: 'Cause it's funner that way.
     
    Doctor: Oh well. Where were we? Oh, right, surrendering you. You see, I have no way of signalling the Atraxi, right?
     
    Prisoner Zero: Right.
     
    Doctor: No, left. You see, while I was at Jeff's house, we wrote up a virus that would cause the number 0 to appear on every computer screen, cell phone display, telly screen, et cetera, in the world. And it's going into effect... right... NOW!
     
    Every electronic display in the world: 0
     
    Prisoner Zero: And now that you have successfully wrecked the world economy, how does it get me arrested...?
     
    Doctor: Ah, you see, everyone, including the Atraxi, will want to know what nincompoop is responsible for this. And when they track the source of the virus, lo and behold, it comes from... this phone!
     
    Prisoner Zero: And...?
     
    Doctor: Well, this phone contains illegal paparazzi photographs of every form you've ever taken. Once they trace the phone, they'll come to the hospital, and since they'll already know all your faces, you'll have no way of escaping.
     
    Prisoner Zero: Oh, really?
     
    Doctor: Yeah, really. And the score is... no TARDIS, no screwdriver, two minutes to spare, planet about to be incinerated... THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT!
     
    Everyone is the room:
     
    Doctor: Fine. I'm not... I'm never saying that again. Just... fine!
     
    Prisoner Zero: Ah, but I have one extra psionic imprint I haven't used yet, you see... [shapeshifts into the Doctor, as Amy collapses into a coma in the background]
     
    Doctor: Oi. I hate those adventures where there's two or more of me running around... >_<
     
    Prisoner Zero: [as the Doctor] Don't worry. I'm not alone. [as young Amelia, appearing from behind the "Doctor"] See? I'm two people now.
     
    Doctor: Cute. BUT, you shapeshifted into me, and you can't shapeshift into anyone unless you make a telepathic link with them, which makes them fall into a coma. And since I'm not in a coma--
     
    Rory: You're not?
     
    Doctor: REALLY cute. And since I'm not in a coma, but Amy is, you're obviously working off a telepathic link with her, so the only way you could have shapeshifted into me is if you were using her memory as a template. And since your normal form is in your memory, and I'm telepathic too... [telepathically triggers Amy's memory of Prisoner Zero] now it's time for you to plagiarize yourself!
     
    Prisoner Zero: OH SNAP [plagiarizes self and gets kidnapped by the Atraxi]
     
    Amy: [wakes up] Did I miss something?
     
    Rory: Yeah, the Doctor was messing with your mind while you were comatose. Oh, and Prisoner Zero got arrested.
     
    Doctor: And the Atraxi left. Wait, looks like one of them left his wallet behind. [calls Atraxi using phone] Hey, do you guys mind coming back? One of you left his wallet.
     
    Amy: Wait, they threaten to blow up the Earth and you want them to return because they lost a wallet?
     
    Doctor: Yeah! They gave us back the Earth, we give them back their wallet. Simple and fair. And speaking of simple, I'm going to go steal some fancy clothes.
     
    Rory: You can't just steal clothes from a hospital!
     
    Doctor: But I'm the Doctor! Isn't that what Doctors do? Guy gets sick, he goes to hospital, doctor treats guy, doctor steals clothes. Simple and fair.
     
    Rory: Well...
     
    Doctor: Hey, I'll bet you've done it. Admit it. You've stolen clothes before, right?
     
    Amy: Uh-huh, he stole my--
     
    Rory: Not now, Amy! Just... change and get done with it.
     
    [the Doctor changes and gets done with it]
     
    Doctor: Okay, now that I've changed and gotten done with it, let's go up to the roof and give the Atraxi their wallet back.
     
    Amy: For the first time in my life I'm questioning the sanity of this guy... :/
     
    Rory: It took you THIS LONG?
     
    Amy: Yeah.
     
    Doctor: Alright, Atraxi! I am holding your wallet hostage. If you fail to respond to my question correctly, I will strangle it with my bowtie. Understand?
     
    Atraxi: WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE CLAUSE "I WILL STRANGLE IT WITH MY BOWTIE."
     
    Doctor: The antecedent of "it" is "bowtie." Now do you understand?
     
    Atraxi: WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE PROCESS OF ASPHYXIATING AN INANIMATE LEATHER POCKET USED TO STORE CURRENCY. PLEASE ELABORATE.
     
    Doctor: Not now. I would like to interrogate you based on Article 57 of the Shadow Proclamation. The one that forbids attempting to destroy a non-threatening Level 5 planet?
     
    Atraxi: CONTINUE.
     
    Doctor: Is this planet peaceful?
     
    Atraxi: [projects footage of WWI trench warfare, the London Blitz, Hiroshima and Nagasaki being destroyed by atom bombs, planes crashing into the Word Trade Center, etc.] KINDA.
     
    Doctor: Has its population attacked you?
     
    Atraxi: NO.
     
    Doctor: Does it like Vogon poetry?
     
    Atraxi: LET'S FIND OUT.
     
    Doctor: Let's not. Oh more question... is it protected?
     
    Atraxi: [projects footage of various aliens that have tried to destroy Earth] APPARENTLY NOT, OR ALL THESE FOLKS WOULDN'T HAVE TRIED.
     
    Doctor: Really? What happened to all of them? Who was there that stopped them? Even if he had no name and several faces, what was his title?
     
    Atraxi: THE DOCTOR. [shows footage of every Doctor until the Tenth]
     
    Doctor: Hi. I'm the Doctor. I crash in little girls' yards and make them cook fish custard for me. Basically? Run.
     
    Atraxi: OH SNAP. [flies off at the speed of light]
     
    Doctor: Wait! You still forgot your... never mind.
     
    Rory: Why do we care?
     
    Doctor: We care because-- ooh, shiny! [picks up TARDIS key]
     
    Amy: Wait, is it glowing?
     
    Doctor: I will call you Glowy. And you will be mine. And you will be my Glowy!
     
    Amy: Obviously not going o get a response from-- where are you going?
     
    Doctor: [runs up to the TARDIS and enters] Oh. Look at that. Look at the that! Oh, you pirated-Clangers-episode-level-awesome thing! [jumps inside and dematerializes away]
     
    Amy: And he only cares about the box. What about the rest of us police-things?
     
    Rory: Like police impersonators?
     
    Amy: Like you, yeah.
     
    (Three jiffies later... and by that I mean two years...)
     
    Doctor: [rematerializes] Well, that was easy-- oh dear it's nighttime already. I hope I haven't skipped a century or two.
     
    Amy: [walks out of house sleepily] Oi. Back again? Finally. It's rude to just leave like that.
     
    Doctor: Oh, don't worry. I just took a quick trip to the moon to test the engines. Back as my second self, I couldn't even do that. Nice to see it's improved. I was only gone a few hours, right?
     
    Amy: Two years this time.
     
    Doctor: And by that you mean--
     
    Amy: Two years is TWO YEARS, okay?
     
    Doctor: Ah, but ten days is half a second. Wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey.
     
    Amy: What?
     
    Doctor: Ah well. You've waited fourteen years now. And by that I mean... never mind. But I suppose now is the time for you to know what time travel feels like.
     
    Amy: No, that's tomorrow, and I'd like to return then. [comes aboard]
     
    Doctor: Alright, now. All of time and space; everywhere and anywhere; every star that ever was. Where do you want to start?
     
    Amy: I'll start by pushing this button. [pushes]
     
    Doctor: NO NO NO NO THAT'LL CATAPULT US INTO THE 3290'S-- oops too late
     
    (They TARDIS disappears, and they fail to notice the crack on the viewscreen... or the wedding dress kissogram outfit in Amy's room.)
     
    THE END!
  20. -Toa Lhikevikk-

    Name Change

    By -Toa Lhikevikk-,

    I have one in three days.
     
    After seeing Phyoohrii change his name to General Alcazar, I have this sudden urge to change to a Tintin-themed name.
     
    But I promised that the next one would contain Lhikevikk, remember?
     
    WHAT DO I DO? D:
  22. -Toa Lhikevikk-

    Richard Curtis

    By -Toa Lhikevikk-,

    The guy who made one of the most beautiful Doctor Who episodes of all time also made a PSA that suggests that schoolchildren who don't believe in global warming should have their insides splattered across the classroom?
     
    ...
     
    What.
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