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"team Curse" Review Topic
Mare Tranquillitatis posted a topic in EpicsSo, my writing experience on the BZP forums has just begun. "Team curse" is up now ( it's here ), and here you can tell me if you like it or not, give me advices on how can I refine my writing or how could the plot go on. Feedback is truly welcome!
Mare Tranquillitatis posted a topic in EpicsTeam Curse Review Topic - Chapter 1: A new dawn - He awoke.At first he couldn’t see very well, but soon his eyes got better and he saw a big sandy land. The sky was clear and the sun was shining high in the air, but at the horizon he spotted some dark clouds – they were far, honestly, and not so many to be feared to carry a tempest with them, however he didn’t like them very much, because experiences acquired sometime in the past, a past he seemingly almost lost, told him they wouldn’t just make rain.There were no signs of life around him, just sand and a few stones.Life he had been brought back without a particular reason.The fact is, how could he possibly be back to the living world? He didn’t know that, he just knew he was in some sort of desert.“No way of knowing where to go” he said. “Just what I needed. But let’s not go mad. I should better sum up.”“First, who am I? Second, where am I? Third, why am I here? Fourth, where’s the nearest village? And fifth, is there anyone around here?”“Is that all?”Answered.A voice suddenly came from behind him. As he turned to see who spoke he saw a tall figure standing up near a rock. The mysterious being carried a sword, two throwing knives and a dagger. His armor was red, silver and black and a mantle covered his back. He had never seen him, but he felt like he could rely on that mysterious person.“Is that all? You know, it isn’t so good to have a Toa that came from nowhere just half an hour ago while I was crossing the desert and is now nearly going mad asking himself things. Definitely not anyone's first desire. Perhaps someone’s first nightmare. I’m in the second group, so, I beg you, stop that or I will have to do something bad to your head. If you will agree I could someway help you.”As the character saw the Toa, because the newly reborn person was a Toa, becoming more reasonable, he started speaking.“Good. First, I cannot help you. You’re just a stranger appeared between the sands, for me. Second, you’re on the recently reformed planet of Spherus Magna. Third, I know as much as you do.”That wasn’t enough for the Toa. He still had to know who was he talking to and was about to ask him about when the unknown figure answered his question before knowing it.“I read from your eyes that you’re trying to create a link between my body and a name. Well, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard it. I think you’ve never seen me, too. Now by now I can tell you my name is Aetius. You’ll learn my past in another moment.”Aetius. The Toa had to admit that the warrior was right: he had never heard it. However, he didn’t show fear or doubt when he asked “So, what are we going to do?”.“I think I will take you to the village. And this should answer the fourth. There’s someone that could do the same to the other questions. And I need a weapon for you. At the moment you should stay behind me. Being a Toa will help you, but your powers won’t if you don’t remember how to make ‘em work.”---Aetius started walking heading north. The Toa followed him, having nothing more to do and hoping to find out who or what wanted him alive, hoping to find some old friends, if they still existed, hoping to find a home. There was just hope for him. He didn’t notice the shadow that dug into the sand as they left. Aetius did: instinctively he put his hand on the dagger.