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My name is Solek. If you have any cerebral matter left, you’ll recognize me as the amazing main character of the “Bionicle News” series of comedies by Frezon. If you don’t recognize me, whatever. I’ll be conquering the world soon with my charm and good looks. Now, after hacking Frezon’s account and stealing his computer, I decided to post a comedy under his name. This is it. So enjoy, or else. Also, go to review Bionicle news v2, mock Frezon, praise me, and then request that the comedy be replaced by just me talking. Now enjoy. Super Solek Fighter Man Solek stood up from the trenches of Metru Nui, wielding a covenant carbine and holding a plasma cannon with one hand. “I love the smell of kraata in the morning.” He announced, setting his weapons down on the decomposing bodies of several Rhakshi. He was about 8 feet tall and was ripped out of anyone’s mind. He grabbed a few Rahkshi heads and began to practice his juggling skills, as he was to demonstrate his skills at the camp talent show the next day. As he surveyed the field of carnage, Solek’s far less fit assistant Kirop emerged from the trench, coughing and hacking. “Wow, this place sucks,” he said when he finished, “Where’s all the babes that you said would be coming Solek?” Solek sighed. Oh, the stupidity of the cannon fodder. “I told you, Kirop, the babes are at base. Now shut up and carry my weapons.” With that, Solek the Magnificent dropped all his supplies on Kirop, then proceeded to walk away slowly and purposefully, while myriad explosions raged in the background. * * * The dynamic duo (alright, the Dynamic Solek and lame-o Kirop) walked into the main city, which had been taken over by the military. Vahki roamed the streets, alerting the kill squads of any potential Rhakshi invaders. Solek, knowing the enemy best, was the leader of Alpha Squad, which consisted of Him, Kirop, and 4 other now deceased members, all of whom had been killed by Solek for their ammo. They were bad shots, so he had considered it a good plan. But now he needed a new team. One with passion, with bravado, with power.- “Hey Carapar,” Solek said to his new second in command. Carapar was a beast, with ridiculous muscles and two massive machine guns strapped to his shoulders, and could count to infinity, twic- HEY! No manipulating the minds of narrators. Anyway, Carapar was pretty good. Carapar made some grunting noises, clicking and speaking much like the guys from District 9. He kinda looked like them too, but whatever. “I hear you man,” Solek replied, really having no idea what the savage said but agreeing with him anyway. “Look, do you want to join my team? We’re first in line at Pizza night.” Carapar perked up. He loved pizza, so Solek’s promises went straight to his brain, at least what was left of it. He nodded vigorously, and Solek smiled. “Great. Come down to the airfield tomorrow. We’re taking it to them. As Solek walked, he nodded seductively at several of the babes standing around. It was a good life he had. But it had been better. He had been king of the world (figuratively speaking), with tons of 3chicks and no worries. But then the evil Dr. S. Leech, king of the world (literally), began his conquests, using the remaining Rhakshi to carry out his deeds, which mainly included kidnapping Solek and bringing him to the Dictator’s lair. So Solek had a plan. He would offer up himself as bait to find the location of this lair, then escape, come back to the Nui, and lead a team to go and kick rectum, ending the reign of this terror. * * * It was morning, and Solek and Kirop were waiting for Carapar. He entered, followed by an equally as brutish fellow, a large creature completely covered in armor, carrying a massive staff and a ridiculously large scythe. “Who’s that guy?” Solek asked Kirop, not familiar with all the lesser warriors of the force. “Oh, that’s Weapon. Legend says, that no one has ever seen his face. He only shows it to the people he’s about to kill. And he never talks. Legend says-” “Yeah, whatever.” Solek interrupted, measuring up this Weapon fellow. He seemed good enough, and looked to be pretty strong. “Alright, you three,” He said confidently and manlyly, “You will be in this craft. I want you to follow the Rhakshi patrol that captures me. When I give the signal, you are to come and pick me up. The we leave. Any questions.” Kirop raised his hand. “Yeah, boss, what’s the signal?” “A burst of thunder. It’ll be my fist taking off a Rhakshi’s head and pulling out the orange hand piece. Anything else?” There was nothing, so Solek smiled. “Good. Now let’s boogie.” To be continued….
