REVIEW: Bionicle Mafia Uprising: Book 1 - Isolation

[JiMing]

 

Oh okay then. I noticed my introduction is out of the way, by being mentioned off handedly once. About as good as I expected.

 

You're one of a few characters that I'm having other characters mention off-handedly before properly introducing. I think you'll enjoy your first real scene.

I am suddenly excite.

 

And scared.

 

But mostly excite.

[Voltex]

 

 

Oh okay then. I noticed my introduction is out of the way, by being mentioned off handedly once. About as good as I expected.

You're one of a few characters that I'm having other characters mention off-handedly before properly introducing. I think you'll enjoy your first real scene.

I am suddenly excite.

And scared.

But mostly excite.

 

Be excited. I will admit that I originally planned for your role to be smaller, but I had a lot of fun writing your introduction scene, so I've modified my plans slightly to compensate for your now larger role. =P

[fishers64]

It was coming. Now it's here.

Chapter 1:
The first few lines are literally a wham-style set up - instant tension followed by a literal wham of shadow hitting the main character. Congradulations on scrambling the chronology to allow for a good hook.

The next part of it I already read on your blog, but I read the prelude after that, so there were a few connections that struck me anew, particularly Voltex's mention that he met Xaeraz before. In any case, it sets up an atmosphere of mystery and intrigue, which I tend to prefer.

I liked all of the nods to Voltex's past. While I would dispute the "failed" in failed author (who is writing this, anyway?), it may have been reflective of the beginning of your Mafia career, so not going to complain too loudly. I also like the IRL nod to Taka Nuvia as well.

Looking though this for the second time, it appears that you have brought a lot of details to bring this fictional Metru Nui to life. Excellent work.

Nitpicks:

Voltex jumped at the hand placed on his shoulder – Blade removed in quickly, startled by his reaction. Rubbing his neck, Voltex grimaced in apology and tried to relax.

Should be it.

We're on an airship now? The transition seems rather abrupt. Given that airships are commonly used to transport cargo, not people, in Metru-Nui, the whole thing seems odd.

Turaga White Two? Are we talking clones now? Weird.

Chapter 2:
Vox seems very slightly OOC, but I suppose the in a violent and stressful situation he loses his characteristic forum voice. The scythe and the lone-wolfness makes sense though.

Like the nod to the writer's group. Could be the Ambage, but I don't think it matters.

I take it that Pulse is the second POV here.

I take it that Ehks is the third.

I like the creepy role you've given for Sumiki. The cards and the plans of Xaeraz, not to mention the not-unexpected murder, contribute to the mysterious (albeit dark mysterious) atmosphere. The character introductions seem to be going smoothly without cramping the plot as I feared they might. Instead you have used them to further the plot. Excellent.

I look forward to following. Hopefully you can maintain the atmosphere of mystery up until the necessary reveals, and that the intrigue will overshadow the carnage for exciting reading.

[Voltex]

It was coming. Now it's here.

 

Chapter 1:

The first few lines are literally a wham-style set up - instant tension followed by a literal wham of shadow hitting the main character. Congradulations on scrambling the chronology to allow for a good hook.

 

The next part of it I already read on your blog, but I read the prelude after that, so there were a few connections that struck me anew, particularly Voltex's mention that he met Xaeraz before. In any case, it sets up an atmosphere of mystery and intrigue, which I tend to prefer.

 

I liked all of the nods to Voltex's past. While I would dispute the "failed" in failed author (who is writing this, anyway?), it may have been reflective of the beginning of your Mafia career, so not going to complain too loudly. I also like the IRL nod to Taka Nuvia as well.

 

Looking though this for the second time, it appears that you have brought a lot of details to bring this fictional Metru Nui to life. Excellent work.

 

Nitpicks:

 

Voltex jumped at the hand placed on his shoulder – Blade removed in quickly, startled by his reaction. Rubbing his neck, Voltex grimaced in apology and tried to relax.

 

 

Should be it.

 

We're on an airship now? The transition seems rather abrupt. Given that airships are commonly used to transport cargo, not people, in Metru-Nui, the whole thing seems odd.

 

Turaga White Two? Are we talking clones now? Weird.

 

Chapter 2:

Vox seems very slightly OOC, but I suppose the in a violent and stressful situation he loses his characteristic forum voice. The scythe and the lone-wolfness makes sense though.

 

Like the nod to the writer's group. Could be the Ambage, but I don't think it matters.

 

I take it that Pulse is the second POV here.

 

I take it that Ehks is the third.

 

I like the creepy role you've given for Sumiki. The cards and the plans of Xaeraz, not to mention the not-unexpected murder, contribute to the mysterious (albeit dark mysterious) atmosphere. The character introductions seem to be going smoothly without cramping the plot as I feared they might. Instead you have used them to further the plot. Excellent.

 

I look forward to following. Hopefully you can maintain the atmosphere of mystery up until the necessary reveals, and that the intrigue will overshadow the carnage for exciting reading.

I will fix the error - although a quick nitpick, it's the prologue and chapter 1, not chapter 1 and chapter 2. =P

 

Replying with notes here:

 

Prologue Notes

-I enjoy scrambling chronology where possible, though I tend to save it for endings and beginnings (that said don't any of you go expecting it for the ending sheesh)

-The "failed author" and other things will be expanded upon eventually, as they are meant to pertain specifically to the characters with references to the real world.

-The island of BZ-Koro is a fair distance away from Metru-Nui, so the only viable transportation methods are by air and by sea. I chose to have them on an airship since Metru-Nui is supposed to be technologically advanced - I doubt they'd use boats for anything more than fishing or cruises.

-The White Council will also be expanded on later in the story. That'll be a trickle of information, and the reason for their names plays into the story as a whole.

 

Chapter 1 Notes

-Not all of the characters (read: probably most since I only know a few members very well) will match their members in personality; Pulse matching his character is a total fluke, albeit a positive one.

-You are correct. I don't know how or why the Ambage collapsed, I just know that it did, so I tossed it in there as a connection for Chro and Voltex to build on.

-Also correct; Pulse and Ehks are indeed the second and third of the four points of view.

-Glad to hear that the character introductions are working. Sumiki's role was another happy accident - I was very happy when the RNG landed on him as the Leader.

[Xaeraz]

Let's be honest, I would totally have picked my main man Sumiki to lead my goose-stepping night killers anyway. We tight like that, yo.

[Voltex]

Let's be honest, I would totally have picked my main man Sumiki to lead my goose-stepping night killers anyway. We tight like that, yo.

We'll see if you agree with the other Traitors too. =P

[Samus Aran-Bounty Hunter]

Again, a very nice chapter. The drama is intriguing, and Shadowhawk being the first kill is slightly ironic considering his normal longevity in Mafia.

Leader-Sumiki is going to be absolutely hilarious, I can tell already. He's deviously kind and cruel, an oxymoronic combination that seems to be fantastic.

No Zakaro yet, but it's not all that important so it's fine.

The roles are solid and steady, and yet I wonder just who'll be the Spy. Perhaps Vox, though that would be almost too obvious.

Lastly, I called Ehks and Pulse being POVs. Sorta. I said a Bionifighter and businessman, and I got Ehks and Pulse.

Now to see whether the last one's on the outside. Or Burnmad, doing something somewhere.

Zakaro

[Voltex]

Again, a very nice chapter. The drama is intriguing, and Shadowhawk being the first kill is slightly ironic considering his normal longevity in Mafia.

Leader-Sumiki is going to be absolutely hilarious, I can tell already. He's deviously kind and cruel, an oxymoronic combination that seems to be fantastic.

No Zakaro yet, but it's not all that important so it's fine.

The roles are solid and steady, and yet I wonder just who'll be the Spy. Perhaps Vox, though that would be almost too obvious.

Lastly, I called Ehks and Pulse being POVs. Sorta. I said a Bionifighter and businessman, and I got Ehks and Pulse.

Now to see whether the last one's on the outside. Or Burnmad, doing something somewhere.

Zakaro

Yeah... ironic... heheh...

I had a good laugh when you predicted Ehks and Pulse, because your reasons were entirely coincidental.

The last POV is an important one.

Also Burnmad is very important.

[Ehksidian]

sumiki is clearly the best leader.

i mean

if he wasn't i'd be disappointed.

but he is

and i'm a narrator.

my lips shall remain sealed on all other knowledge i may or may not possess.

i do like where this is going, can't wait for Chapter 2!

[JiMing]

Larger role? Oh my.... This could end up interesting. Or bloody. Or bloody interesting.

 

I have to add my approval here, Sumiki is best maniacal Leader. He and his reign of terror (and hats) will be interesting to follow. Now to speculate on his henchmen...

 

(Also no JiMing vs. Shadowhawk. Booooooo.)

[Pupwa21]

Oh, I snuck in. I was kind of hoping for a free meal...

free meal...

Ironically, I just went to Costco and filled my fridge with a bunch of stuff.*

 

*May or may not be food.

[Chro]

(sorry to the member that gets delayed until Chapter 3 - rest assured your introduction is cooler than "hello my name is" to make up for it)

 

I'm not ready to discuss what role Burnmad might play in all of this. =P

I decided all of the roles by RNG

 

Rule #1: Voltex lies.

[Voltex]

sumiki is clearly the best leader.

i mean

if he wasn't i'd be disappointed.

but he is

and i'm a narrator.

my lips shall remain sealed on all other knowledge i may or may not possess.

i do like where this is going, can't wait for Chapter 2!

I think anything you might know is done with Chapter 2.

 

Larger role? Oh my.... This could end up interesting. Or bloody. Or bloody interesting.

 

I have to add my approval here, Sumiki is best maniacal Leader. He and his reign of terror (and hats) will be interesting to follow. Now to speculate on his henchmen...

 

(Also no JiMing vs. Shadowhawk. Booooooo.)

Sumiki is going to have some very interesting scenes, since he's the enemy.

 

 

Oh, I snuck in. I was kind of hoping for a free meal...

free meal...

Ironically, I just went to Costco and filled my fridge with a bunch of stuff.*

 

*May or may not be food.

 

This epic predicts the future

 

 

(sorry to the member that gets delayed until Chapter 3 - rest assured your introduction is cooler than "hello my name is" to make up for it)

 

I'm not ready to discuss what role Burnmad might play in all of this. =P

I decided all of the roles by RNG

 

Rule #1: Voltex lies.

 

That silly rule is a lie

[Pupwa21]

I just read chapter 1 again and I think I know my role. Think. I'm not telling you where I found my hint but it's pretty easy to find. So read.

[Chro]

Yes, Pupwa, it's extremely obvious and I think we all got it

 

CLEEEARLY you're the Pyro

Edited March 9, 2014 by Chro

[Ehksidian]

No, you're wrong.

He's OBVIOUSLY the Warden.

[Pupwa21]

No no no,

 

I'm the Spy.

 

Don't look behind you.

[Shadowhawk]

Chapter I:

And... I die. Woot. Still and all, though, I guess it's better being the first, the harbinger of blood and destruction, than just the seventh or eight nondescript mangled corpse to hit the heap, right? Right?

Anyways, still a great and entertaining read so far, even with that one minor drawback.

[Voltex]

Chapter I:

 

And... I die. Woot. Still and all, though, I guess it's better being the first, the harbinger of blood and destruction, than just the seventh or eight nondescript mangled corpse to hit the heap, right? Right?

 

Anyways, still a great and entertaining read so far, even with that one minor drawback.

People don't even respond to the next death half as much as they did to yours, so in a way I suppose so.

[fishers64]

Chro, deciding the role by RNG does not preclude Burnmad's role being mysterious, introduced in Chapter 3, very important, etc.

[Voltex]

Chapter 2 is up!!

 

No special list or anything for you all this time, unfortunately.

[JiMing]

Woah, when you said I had a larger role, you really meant it! Being the friend of Voltex is this update certainly is an honor. Thanks. Also:

A celebrity that will probably be dead by the end of the week

You know me very well.

 

Also, I suddenly have an urge to write a prequel to the story focusing on JiMing's background. I don't know if I actually will, but would you be okay with me posting it? And if so, does something related to the internet exist in this universe? Because I've got some ideas revolving around that.

Edited March 11, 2014 by JiMing

[Ehksidian]

i have a very strong feeling

that lhik is either mafia or spy

one or the other

[Makuta Luroka]

My prediction: Either (A): Luroka is killed next by the mafia, (B) Luroka is executed next, regardless whether or not he is mafia, or © Luroka survives day 2 and is definitely mafia.

[Voltex]

Woah, when you said I had a larger role, you really meant it! Being the friend of Voltex is this update certainly is an honor. Thanks. Also:

 

 

A celebrity that will probably be dead by the end of the week

You know me very well.

 

Also, I suddenly have an urge to write a prequel to the story focusing on JiMing's background. I don't know if I actually will, but would you be okay with me posting it? And if so, does something related to the internet exist in this universe? Because I've got some ideas revolving around that.

This story is absolutely ripe for prequel material - we have 28 different characters involved and it's clear that every character has a life outside of this building (well, bar a select few).

 

I'll get you some info on how the world works. If anyone else wants to write a prequel starring their character you're free to, although I'd advise waiting until this epic, at least, is complete. Because this is high-level canon and anything not written by me would become retconned if it did not match information given here. =P

 

i have a very strong feeling

that lhik is either mafia or spy

one or the other

I wrote this reply after replying to Luroka, so please note what I have written below.

 

My prediction: Either (A): Luroka is killed next by the mafia, (B) Luroka is executed next, regardless whether or not he is mafia, or © Luroka survives day 2 and is definitely mafia.

We shall see, we shall see...

[Manducus]

Haha! Fear my hanging powers criminal scum!

 

Only the sad note, I probably can't fly.

[Ehksidian]

i bet everyone is going to grab onto flaredrick

which will kill him

and then use him as way of climbing up

[TBK]

The beam is definitely the killer. It won't let the matoran be confused on who has the real power here.

 

it snapped

 

I predict that Xaeraz is working for the ceiling

Edited March 12, 2014 by TBK

[Voxumo]

Hmm.. I must say this is a very pleasant read and each chapter has so far been it's own energized story. I however have to say i love how you have so far portrayed voxumo and The massive scythe.. Pleasant touch. So yeah keep it up and I cant wait to see what my role is in all this

[Voltex]

Haha! Fear my hanging powers criminal scum!

 

Only the sad note, I probably can't fly.

Well... you and Lhikevikk are actually safe for the moment, since you're on an entirely separate portion of the ceilling.

 

i bet everyone is going to grab onto flaredrick

which will kill him

and then use him as way of climbing up

I think just the fall alone is enough to kill Flaredrick - the sudden stop when the rope runs out will do the trick easily enough. Of course, that's obviously not what I have in mind.

 

The beam is definitely the killer. It won't let the matoran be confused on who has the real power here.

 

it snapped

 

I predict that Xaeraz is working for the ceiling

You've figured it all out and must now be silenced.

 

Hmm.. I must say this is a very pleasant read and each chapter has so far been it's own energized story. I however have to say i love how you have so far portrayed voxumo and The massive scythe.. Pleasant touch. So yeah keep it up and I cant wait to see what my role is in all this

While your character is not as prominent in appearances as some others, you do seem to be at the heart of several plans.

[Ehksidian]

well then.

i died rather soon.

and that was not how i expected flaredrick to die. i expected everyone to hang onto his corpse and swing from it.

would have been...interesting, to say the least.

[Makuta of Time]

So was I Mafia or not? I hope you guys killed an innocent.

[Scanty Demon]

Let's be honest, I would totally have picked my main man Sumiki to lead my goose-stepping night killers anyway. We tight like that, yo.

And not me? Dude, we were in a group picture together and talked for 10 minutes at Brickfair. I ain't in the loop why man, why?

 

On a serious note, we know who the narrators are so that is a plus. Lucky RG, got out of the building safely. Ah well, maybe we'll find out who the killer is chapter 4. Hopefully someone not important nor someone we can't kill.

[Samus Aran-Bounty Hunter]

Sumiki. Ah well, doesn't look like the last POV is out of the building, but it was a good guess.

Zakaro doesn't have as much as a vibrant personality as others, but not only are those others the more main characters, but he's still got some uniqueness to him.

Like that random little 'PAIN, PAIN oh right. True.' bit. Very nice characterization, as well as being hilarious.

Zakaro

[Rahkshi Guurahk]

 

Let's be honest, I would totally have picked my main man Sumiki to lead my goose-stepping night killers anyway. We tight like that, yo.

And not me? Dude, we were in a group picture together and talked for 10 minutes at Brickfair. I ain't in the loop why man, why?

 

On a serious note, we know who the narrators are so that is a plus. Lucky RG, got out of the building safely. Ah well, maybe we'll find out who the killer is chapter 4. Hopefully someone not important nor someone we can't kill.

 

*tries and fails to rescue instruments*

[Portalfig]

Just finished marathon reading it all

 

hoo boy

 

Sumiki is best and that is about all.

 

And everytime my name pops up I am like "PLEASE DON'T DIE YET NOOOO"

 

Very excite still though

[Manducus]

I like how I'm the former CEO of RomeTech since the company name is affiliated with my name. Manducus was a greedy clown in Roman plays and Kaiser is the German version of the Roman title of Caesar.

[Voltex]

well then.

i died rather soon.

and that was not how i expected flaredrick to die. i expected everyone to hang onto his corpse and swing from it.

would have been...interesting, to say the least.

Do not worry Ehks, yours is the best death scene of all

(to everyone else dying, please ignore the lie I have told to Ehks above)

(Ehks if you read that second line, do not worry, I am just lying to all of them)

 

So was I Mafia or not? I hope you guys killed an innocent.

I'm pretty sure I confirmed you as innocent - that's what the discussion was about when Ehks and Voltex joined the group

 

 

Let's be honest, I would totally have picked my main man Sumiki to lead my goose-stepping night killers anyway. We tight like that, yo.

And not me? Dude, we were in a group picture together and talked for 10 minutes at Brickfair. I ain't in the loop why man, why?

 

On a serious note, we know who the narrators are so that is a plus. Lucky RG, got out of the building safely. Ah well, maybe we'll find out who the killer is chapter 4. Hopefully someone not important nor someone we can't kill.

 

Oh, it's always somebody we can kill!

Unless it's Sumiki, but that's another matter entirely.

 

Sumiki. Ah well, doesn't look like the last POV is out of the building, but it was a good guess.

Zakaro doesn't have as much as a vibrant personality as others, but not only are those others the more main characters, but he's still got some uniqueness to him.

Like that random little 'PAIN, PAIN oh right. True.' bit. Very nice characterization, as well as being hilarious.

Zakaro

I'll do my best to give each character justice, but I can't make any promises.

 

 

 

Let's be honest, I would totally have picked my main man Sumiki to lead my goose-stepping night killers anyway. We tight like that, yo.

And not me? Dude, we were in a group picture together and talked for 10 minutes at Brickfair. I ain't in the loop why man, why?

 

On a serious note, we know who the narrators are so that is a plus. Lucky RG, got out of the building safely. Ah well, maybe we'll find out who the killer is chapter 4. Hopefully someone not important nor someone we can't kill.

 

*tries and fails to rescue instruments*

 

Noooo the equipment!

 

Just finished marathon reading it all

 

hoo boy

 

Sumiki is best and that is about all.

 

And everytime my name pops up I am like "PLEASE DON'T DIE YET NOOOO"

 

Very excite still though

Do not worry yet Portalfig

You must only worry once the inevitable "Voltex and Portalfig plot and scheme" scene comes about

 

I like how I'm the former CEO of RomeTech since the company name is affiliated with my name. Manducus was a greedy clown in Roman plays and Kaiser is the German version of the Roman title of Caesar.

You can thank Burnmad for the name of your company - I was unable to come up with ideas while writing the prelude and asked him to help, and that is the name he gave.

[Makuta of Time]

Yeah, I skimmed over the story. Didn't read it well until now.

[Toa Kayn]

Oh yeah! Check Kayn's early introduction! Check my theory about Kayn's position!

 

Yeah anyways, my theory is that Kayn is a traitor because when Kayn gave the apologetic look to Ehks, he was thinking "Sorry, I'll have to kill you soon."

That's why Kayn and his super bff ran off together so they could find a spot to surprise Voltex and Ehks. It makes a lot of sense.

 

Either that or Kayn is the other inventor as he is into freelance technology.

Edited March 14, 2014 by Toa Kayn